1 00:00:06,138 --> 00:00:09,175 Captioning made possible by comedy central 2 00:00:09,210 --> 00:00:10,710 ? I'm going down to south park? 3 00:00:10,745 --> 00:00:12,211 ? Gonna have myself a time? 4 00:00:12,645 --> 00:00:13,911 ? Friendly faces everywhere? 5 00:00:13,946 --> 00:00:15,681 ? Humble folks without temptation? 6 00:00:15,716 --> 00:00:17,217 ? Going down to south park? 7 00:00:17,252 --> 00:00:18,718 ? Gonna leave my woes behind? 8 00:00:19,151 --> 00:00:20,418 ? Ample parking day or night? 9 00:00:20,453 --> 00:00:21,971 ? People spouting "howdy neighbor"? 10 00:00:22,006 --> 00:00:23,615 ? Headin' on up to south park? 11 00:00:23,650 --> 00:00:25,224 ? Gonna see if i can't unwind? 12 00:00:28,694 --> 00:00:30,429 ? So come on down to south park? 13 00:00:30,464 --> 00:00:32,164 ? And meet some friends of mine? 14 00:00:35,167 --> 00:00:37,336 So, we meet again, jennifer lopez. 15 00:00:37,371 --> 00:00:38,603 "No, no, please! 16 00:00:38,638 --> 00:00:40,806 This time i swear i won't make any more albums or movies." 17 00:00:40,841 --> 00:00:42,073 That's what you said last time, 18 00:00:42,108 --> 00:00:45,578 But obviously we must now resort to more drastic measures. 19 00:00:45,613 --> 00:00:48,614 "Oh, god, it burns, it burns!" 20 00:00:48,649 --> 00:00:49,482 Scream for me, bitch! 21 00:00:49,916 --> 00:00:51,182 "Aah!" 22 00:00:51,217 --> 00:00:52,917 Whoa, awesome! 23 00:00:52,952 --> 00:00:54,687 Hey guys, you guys, come here, you gotta check this out! 24 00:00:54,722 --> 00:00:55,953 Oh, no, what now? 25 00:00:55,988 --> 00:00:57,290 No, you guys, this is really cool. 26 00:00:57,325 --> 00:00:59,857 Come on! 27 00:00:59,892 --> 00:01:01,193 What's this all about, kenny? 28 00:01:02,495 --> 00:01:04,447 Watch this, it's so funny. 29 00:01:04,482 --> 00:01:06,399 Come here, garden, come on. 30 00:01:09,869 --> 00:01:11,170 Heh-Heh, heh-Heh. 31 00:01:11,604 --> 00:01:12,905 Red rocket, red rocket, heh-Heh! 32 00:01:12,940 --> 00:01:14,171 Come on! 33 00:01:14,206 --> 00:01:15,290 Cartman, what the hell are you doing? 34 00:01:15,325 --> 00:01:16,375 I'm milking the dog, they make dog milk. 35 00:01:16,809 --> 00:01:18,327 No they don't. Yeah they do! 36 00:01:18,362 --> 00:01:19,810 Yes, just hold on a minute. 37 00:01:19,845 --> 00:01:20,929 The 5th graders showed us how to do it. 38 00:01:20,964 --> 00:01:22,014 Red rocket, come on, dog, red rocket. 39 00:01:22,049 --> 00:01:24,148 Oh, hoo! 40 00:01:24,183 --> 00:01:25,484 Whoa, cool! That's awesome! 41 00:01:25,519 --> 00:01:27,184 I told you guys. 42 00:01:27,219 --> 00:01:28,486 I had no ideas dogs made milk, do it again. 43 00:01:28,521 --> 00:01:31,123 Dumb-Ass, you can only milk a dog once every few hours. 44 00:01:31,158 --> 00:01:33,726 It doesn't work if you beat off a dog again right away. 45 00:01:33,761 --> 00:01:34,992 You "beat off"? 46 00:01:35,027 --> 00:01:36,329 That's what it's called when you milk a dog, 47 00:01:36,762 --> 00:01:37,196 Beating it off. 48 00:01:37,630 --> 00:01:38,497 Don't you guys know anything? 49 00:01:38,931 --> 00:01:39,799 Wow, you learned all this from the 5th graders? 50 00:01:40,232 --> 00:01:41,534 Yeah, i guess they thought we were cool 51 00:01:41,569 --> 00:01:42,401 So they showed us how to do it. 52 00:01:42,835 --> 00:01:43,703 Hey, come here, dog. Dog, come here. 53 00:01:43,738 --> 00:01:44,570 Heh-Heh-Heh. 54 00:01:45,004 --> 00:01:47,173 I was really happy with this month's book. 55 00:01:47,607 --> 00:01:49,775 I agree with what bob and linda said- 56 00:01:49,810 --> 00:01:51,077 Mom, dad, you gotta see this! 57 00:01:51,112 --> 00:01:52,343 Not now, stanley, 58 00:01:52,378 --> 00:01:54,547 This is mommy's and daddy's book club night, remember? 59 00:01:54,582 --> 00:01:55,414 But it's super cool! 60 00:01:55,848 --> 00:01:56,716 Later, sweetie. 61 00:01:57,149 --> 00:01:59,318 Anyway, i found myself enticed by steinbeck's imagery. 62 00:01:59,353 --> 00:02:01,921 The first chapter alone was filled with poetry. 63 00:02:01,956 --> 00:02:03,187 Oh, wasn't it? 64 00:02:03,222 --> 00:02:05,356 I mean, red rocket, red rocket! 65 00:02:05,391 --> 00:02:07,126 "Cannery row in monterey in california 66 00:02:07,560 --> 00:02:09,728 Is a poem, a stint, a grating noise." 67 00:02:09,763 --> 00:02:12,131 It's amazing how with three images 68 00:02:12,166 --> 00:02:14,500 He puts you right there and... 69 00:02:14,535 --> 00:02:16,235 Red rocket, red rocket! 70 00:02:16,270 --> 00:02:17,501 Ahh! 71 00:02:17,536 --> 00:02:18,838 Stanley, what the hell are you doing?! 72 00:02:18,873 --> 00:02:20,156 I'm beating off the dog. 73 00:02:20,191 --> 00:02:21,405 Red rocket, red rocket! 74 00:02:21,440 --> 00:02:23,609 Stanley, you go to your room right now! 75 00:02:23,644 --> 00:02:24,928 My room, why? 76 00:02:24,963 --> 00:02:26,212 Go, stanley! 77 00:02:31,417 --> 00:02:34,887 He gets very good grades. 78 00:02:35,755 --> 00:02:36,622 Stanley, do you know why 79 00:02:37,056 --> 00:02:38,322 You're being grounded for 10 months? No! 80 00:02:38,357 --> 00:02:40,960 Beating off the dog is not appropriate when we have company. 81 00:02:40,995 --> 00:02:42,660 I mean- Ever! 82 00:02:42,695 --> 00:02:45,297 Beating off the dog is not appropriate ever. 83 00:02:45,332 --> 00:02:46,165 Why, what's the big deal? 84 00:02:46,599 --> 00:02:48,768 Stanley, don't you understand what you were doing? 85 00:02:49,201 --> 00:02:50,503 I was doing red rocket to make the dog's milk come out. 86 00:02:50,936 --> 00:02:54,407 No, stan, what you're doing to the dog was... sexual. 87 00:02:54,442 --> 00:02:55,274 Huh? 88 00:02:55,708 --> 00:02:57,443 You were stimulating the dog, stanley. 89 00:02:57,478 --> 00:03:00,046 What came out of him was his... 90 00:03:00,081 --> 00:03:01,347 Randy? 91 00:03:01,781 --> 00:03:03,516 Well, you know, when you do that to a male... 92 00:03:03,551 --> 00:03:08,686 You make his... stuff come out. 93 00:03:08,721 --> 00:03:11,323 Well, jesus, haven't they taught you these things in school? 94 00:03:11,358 --> 00:03:12,191 What things? 95 00:03:12,625 --> 00:03:15,227 Sexual education- Haven't you learned that yet? 96 00:03:15,262 --> 00:03:16,494 No! 97 00:03:16,529 --> 00:03:18,264 Oh, well, you see, stanley- 98 00:03:18,698 --> 00:03:21,083 Well, your school should be teaching this stuff. 99 00:03:21,118 --> 00:03:23,469 Yeah, let's get that damn school on the phone. 100 00:03:26,939 --> 00:03:28,674 Okay, parents, i know a lot of you want a chance to speak, 101 00:03:29,108 --> 00:03:31,242 But we want have to talk one at a time. 102 00:03:31,277 --> 00:03:34,747 Look, our kids are learning sexual things on the streets and on television. 103 00:03:34,782 --> 00:03:36,447 There's no way we can stop it. 104 00:03:36,482 --> 00:03:39,085 The schools have to teach them sexual education 105 00:03:39,120 --> 00:03:40,351 At a younger age. 106 00:03:40,386 --> 00:03:42,555 School policy has been to teach sexual education later, 107 00:03:42,988 --> 00:03:43,856 In the 6th grade. 108 00:03:44,290 --> 00:03:45,556 It isn't soon enough. 109 00:03:45,591 --> 00:03:46,857 Yeah, why just this afternoon 110 00:03:46,892 --> 00:03:50,362 Our son was caught beating off our dog. 111 00:03:50,796 --> 00:03:53,833 Look, parents, do you really want your children learning about sex? 112 00:03:54,266 --> 00:03:56,435 Part of the fun of being a kid is being naive. 113 00:03:56,869 --> 00:03:58,387 Let them be kids for a while. 114 00:03:58,422 --> 00:03:59,870 Naive at what cost, chef? 115 00:03:59,905 --> 00:04:01,605 Parents, we have to face facts. 116 00:04:01,640 --> 00:04:04,459 Children in america are having sex at younger and younger ages. 117 00:04:04,494 --> 00:04:07,279 S.T.D.S are affecting younger and younger kids all the time. 118 00:04:07,314 --> 00:04:08,979 The only way we can combat that 119 00:04:09,014 --> 00:04:12,051 Is by educating children before they have sex. 120 00:04:12,086 --> 00:04:13,751 The first thing that kids learn about sex 121 00:04:13,786 --> 00:04:16,822 Shouldn't be some big scare tactic about s.T.D.S. 122 00:04:16,857 --> 00:04:18,522 No, she's right. 123 00:04:18,557 --> 00:04:20,691 With all the teen pregnancies that are out today, 124 00:04:20,726 --> 00:04:23,763 I think my boydoesneed to know about sexual education. 125 00:04:23,798 --> 00:04:25,463 From the school. 126 00:04:25,498 --> 00:04:26,799 Yeah, uh-Huh. Yeah, we have to. 127 00:04:30,269 --> 00:04:33,739 Okay, boys, this is the first day of sexual education, m'kay now. 128 00:04:33,774 --> 00:04:36,342 I know that some of you think this is very funny. 129 00:04:36,377 --> 00:04:38,944 Words like "penis" and "vagina". 130 00:04:40,246 --> 00:04:41,946 Now, stop that, m'kay. 131 00:04:41,981 --> 00:04:44,150 We're gonna get through this by being mature and grown up. 132 00:04:44,185 --> 00:04:45,885 M'kay. 133 00:04:51,957 --> 00:04:54,560 Now, this is the male anatomy, m'kay? 134 00:04:54,595 --> 00:04:57,163 Here we see the testis and the scrotum. 135 00:04:58,464 --> 00:04:59,730 Stop that, m'kay! 136 00:04:59,765 --> 00:05:03,235 The next person that laughs is gonna get a referral. 137 00:05:03,270 --> 00:05:04,935 M'kay... 138 00:05:04,970 --> 00:05:07,139 Now, in order to have intercourse, m'kay, 139 00:05:07,174 --> 00:05:10,176 The man takes his penis and he... 140 00:05:10,211 --> 00:05:14,478 Uh, let's see. 141 00:05:14,513 --> 00:05:20,117 The man takes his penis and he... hmm. 142 00:05:20,152 --> 00:05:22,321 Dude, haven't you ever had intercourse, mr. Mackey? 143 00:05:22,356 --> 00:05:24,073 Well, sure i have, it's just... 144 00:05:24,108 --> 00:05:26,034 I was about 19 at the time. 145 00:05:26,069 --> 00:05:27,960 It's been about 21 years. 146 00:05:27,995 --> 00:05:29,261 M'kay... 147 00:05:29,695 --> 00:05:30,996 Let's see, uh... 148 00:05:31,430 --> 00:05:34,466 I'm pretty sure i took- Yeah, i took the penis and i- 149 00:05:34,501 --> 00:05:37,503 What the hell did i do with that damn thing? 150 00:05:37,538 --> 00:05:39,637 All right, girls, 151 00:05:39,672 --> 00:05:41,841 Even though this may be stuff you don't want to hear 152 00:05:41,876 --> 00:05:43,541 You need to hear it. 153 00:05:43,576 --> 00:05:45,744 Oh, we wanna hear it, miss choksondik, we're excited. 154 00:05:45,779 --> 00:05:47,479 Yeah, we think it's gonna be fun. 155 00:05:47,514 --> 00:05:48,312 Yeah! Yeah! 156 00:05:48,347 --> 00:05:50,047 Fun, it's going to be fun? 157 00:05:50,082 --> 00:05:52,685 Well let's start with our first lesson then, shall we? 158 00:05:52,720 --> 00:05:55,721 Sexually transmitted diseases! 159 00:05:56,155 --> 00:05:58,289 That's right, because unless you get boys to wear condoms 160 00:05:58,324 --> 00:06:01,360 You can and will get a sexually transmitted disease from them. 161 00:06:01,395 --> 00:06:03,095 How fun is that, hmm? Is that fun? 162 00:06:03,130 --> 00:06:04,361 I didn't mean that- 163 00:06:04,396 --> 00:06:06,999 Today over 20,000 americans will contract a sexual disease. 164 00:06:07,034 --> 00:06:07,832 Today! 165 00:06:07,867 --> 00:06:09,168 12,000 more tomorrow. 166 00:06:09,602 --> 00:06:11,337 And the reason is that you girls wake up in the morning 167 00:06:11,372 --> 00:06:13,505 And say, "it's not gonna happen to me." 168 00:06:13,939 --> 00:06:14,807 You say, "oh, miss choksondik, 169 00:06:15,241 --> 00:06:16,976 "That happens to girls in detroit and brooklyn, 170 00:06:17,011 --> 00:06:18,277 But not here in colorado." 171 00:06:18,312 --> 00:06:19,543 Wrong! 172 00:06:19,578 --> 00:06:21,530 Gonorrhea, herpes, chlamydia, h.P.V, h.I.V., 173 00:06:21,565 --> 00:06:23,482 Syphilis, hepatitis "b", hepatitis "c"- 174 00:06:23,517 --> 00:06:25,182 The list goes on and on. 175 00:06:25,217 --> 00:06:26,483 These are serious diseases! 176 00:06:26,518 --> 00:06:28,219 They have serious consequences! 177 00:06:28,254 --> 00:06:30,422 You think that sex is about fun and games and love. 178 00:06:30,457 --> 00:06:32,990 Wrong! Sex is about disease. 179 00:06:33,025 --> 00:06:34,326 Here's a little picture of herpes. 180 00:06:34,361 --> 00:06:35,194 Ahh! Ahh! 181 00:06:35,628 --> 00:06:36,495 And here's a little syphilis for ya. 182 00:06:36,530 --> 00:06:37,363 Aah! Aah! 183 00:06:37,796 --> 00:06:39,063 That's right, girls, 184 00:06:39,098 --> 00:06:41,267 Here's what happens when you don't get boys to use condoms. 185 00:06:41,302 --> 00:06:42,568 Hello there, children. 186 00:06:42,603 --> 00:06:43,834 Hey, chef! 187 00:06:43,869 --> 00:06:45,569 How is sexual education class going? 188 00:06:45,604 --> 00:06:47,339 It's dumb, mr. Mackey doesn't teach us nothin'. 189 00:06:47,374 --> 00:06:49,091 Yeah, i don't think ol' mackey 190 00:06:49,126 --> 00:06:50,835 Knows a hymen from a hysterectomy. 191 00:06:50,870 --> 00:06:52,791 And choksondik, i'd be surprised 192 00:06:52,826 --> 00:06:54,713 If she'severgotten laid in her life. 193 00:06:54,748 --> 00:06:55,980 Yeah. 194 00:06:56,015 --> 00:06:57,750 Chef, what's "laid"? 195 00:06:57,785 --> 00:06:59,016 Oh, nothing. 196 00:06:59,051 --> 00:07:01,619 Now move along, children, you're holding up the line. 197 00:07:01,654 --> 00:07:04,690 Hey, maybe we should ask the girls what they learned in sex ed. 198 00:07:04,725 --> 00:07:05,522 Yeah. 199 00:07:05,557 --> 00:07:06,425 Hey, wendy, did you guys get- 200 00:07:06,859 --> 00:07:08,125 Aah! 201 00:07:08,160 --> 00:07:09,895 What the hell is wrong with them? 202 00:07:10,329 --> 00:07:12,064 You guys, we just wanna know- 203 00:07:12,099 --> 00:07:12,932 Aah! 204 00:07:13,365 --> 00:07:14,666 Stay away from me, stan! Why? 205 00:07:14,701 --> 00:07:15,968 Are you wearing a condom? 206 00:07:16,003 --> 00:07:17,668 A what? Aah! 207 00:07:17,703 --> 00:07:19,438 Do any of you have your condoms on? 208 00:07:19,473 --> 00:07:20,306 No. 209 00:07:20,739 --> 00:07:22,041 Don't you know that without wearing a condom 210 00:07:22,474 --> 00:07:23,342 You could get a disease? 211 00:07:23,776 --> 00:07:24,643 Nah-Ah. Yeah-Huh. 212 00:07:25,077 --> 00:07:26,378 If you don't wear a condom you're gonna get aids. 213 00:07:26,413 --> 00:07:27,645 Aids? 214 00:07:27,680 --> 00:07:29,848 Oh jeez, i don't wanna get the aids, fellas. 215 00:07:29,883 --> 00:07:31,115 Is that what you learned in sex ed? 216 00:07:31,150 --> 00:07:32,850 Mr. Mackey didn't say nothing about that. 217 00:07:32,885 --> 00:07:34,620 Dude, mr. Mackey didn't know anything about anything. 218 00:07:34,655 --> 00:07:36,372 You guys have to wear condoms. 219 00:07:36,407 --> 00:07:38,090 Now, please, just, just go away. 220 00:07:38,524 --> 00:07:40,224 We don't want your aids. 221 00:07:40,259 --> 00:07:41,126 But wendy, we don't understand how- 222 00:07:41,161 --> 00:07:43,694 Aah! 223 00:07:43,729 --> 00:07:45,030 Oh my god, dude. 224 00:07:45,464 --> 00:07:46,730 What are we gonna do, huh? 225 00:07:46,765 --> 00:07:48,067 Dude, we gotta go get condoms quick. 226 00:07:48,500 --> 00:07:50,235 Yeah! Yeah! 227 00:07:52,838 --> 00:07:54,139 Heh... 228 00:07:59,044 --> 00:08:00,128 Can i help you boys? 229 00:08:00,163 --> 00:08:01,213 Yeah, we need condoms. 230 00:08:01,248 --> 00:08:02,965 Condoms? 231 00:08:03,000 --> 00:08:04,648 Yeah, quick. 232 00:08:04,683 --> 00:08:05,985 How old are you boys? 233 00:08:06,418 --> 00:08:07,502 Why does that matter? 234 00:08:07,537 --> 00:08:08,552 I'll be nine next week. 235 00:08:08,587 --> 00:08:10,756 Sorry, kids, i'm not selling you condoms. 236 00:08:10,791 --> 00:08:12,890 Why not, you want us to get aids? 237 00:08:12,925 --> 00:08:14,660 I just don't think that kids your age should be- 238 00:08:14,695 --> 00:08:16,395 Mark, we have to be willing to supply condoms 239 00:08:16,829 --> 00:08:18,130 To anyone who requests them. 240 00:08:18,165 --> 00:08:19,396 But, they're children! 241 00:08:19,431 --> 00:08:21,600 Would you rather them do it unprotected? 242 00:08:21,635 --> 00:08:23,734 Yeah, you want us unprotected, asshole? 243 00:08:23,769 --> 00:08:25,938 I just think that all this sex ed and condom talk 244 00:08:25,973 --> 00:08:27,256 In elementary school is wrong. 245 00:08:27,291 --> 00:08:28,505 Kids are going to do what they do, 246 00:08:28,540 --> 00:08:30,709 And it's up to us to make sure they're protected. 247 00:08:30,744 --> 00:08:32,011 I'm glad this lady's on our side. 248 00:08:32,444 --> 00:08:33,746 I don't think we have any that will even fit them. 249 00:08:34,179 --> 00:08:35,047 Sure, we do, 250 00:08:35,481 --> 00:08:37,216 We just got in the new gladiatorsfor kids. 251 00:08:37,649 --> 00:08:38,482 "Lil mini's"- 252 00:08:38,517 --> 00:08:39,818 They're specially designed for can kids under 10, 253 00:08:39,853 --> 00:08:41,987 And they're only 5.95 for a box of 50. 254 00:08:42,022 --> 00:08:43,253 Fifty? 255 00:08:43,288 --> 00:08:45,024 Can't we just use the same one every day? 256 00:08:45,059 --> 00:08:46,325 No, you have to change it. 257 00:08:46,759 --> 00:08:49,795 Oh, jeez, we're gonna have to buy tons of these things. 258 00:08:50,662 --> 00:08:53,265 Well, thanks so much for letting me come over, miss choksondik. 259 00:08:53,300 --> 00:08:54,566 Oh, it's no problem, mr. Mackey, 260 00:08:55,000 --> 00:08:56,735 It's probably best we come up with a lesson plan together anyway. 261 00:08:56,770 --> 00:08:58,904 Yeah, i've already gone over most of the basics, y'know, 262 00:08:58,939 --> 00:09:00,639 With the boys, but i, ah, 263 00:09:01,073 --> 00:09:04,109 Just wanted to see what else you were teaching the girls 264 00:09:04,144 --> 00:09:05,809 In case i missed anything. 265 00:09:05,844 --> 00:09:07,111 We should make sure our students 266 00:09:07,146 --> 00:09:08,412 Are good and scared of the consequences. 267 00:09:08,447 --> 00:09:10,182 We have to teach them that diseases are possible, 268 00:09:10,217 --> 00:09:11,882 Even with just oral sex. 269 00:09:11,917 --> 00:09:15,170 Right, oral sex, which of course would be? 270 00:09:15,205 --> 00:09:17,898 Using your mouth on the penis or vagina. 271 00:09:17,933 --> 00:09:20,557 Penis or vagina, right, oral sex, m'kay. 272 00:09:20,592 --> 00:09:23,195 It's just too bad these girls are having sex so young. 273 00:09:23,230 --> 00:09:24,496 Yeah... did you? 274 00:09:24,930 --> 00:09:26,196 Did i what? 275 00:09:26,231 --> 00:09:29,701 Well, how long did you wait before you had, uh, doobers? 276 00:09:30,135 --> 00:09:32,738 Well, if you must know, i'm still somewhat of a virgin. 277 00:09:32,773 --> 00:09:34,004 But i'm not ashamed of it! 278 00:09:34,039 --> 00:09:37,509 I wasn't really sought after much in high school or college. 279 00:09:37,544 --> 00:09:40,979 I was made fun of most my life for having such large glasses. 280 00:09:41,014 --> 00:09:42,246 The only boyfriend i ever had 281 00:09:42,281 --> 00:09:44,883 Was this attractive, popular boy named steven garret. 282 00:09:44,918 --> 00:09:47,486 I liked him very much, but i found out he was dating me 283 00:09:47,521 --> 00:09:49,455 Because he had lost a bet on the superbowl. 284 00:09:49,490 --> 00:09:51,390 Loser had to go out with me for three days. 285 00:09:51,425 --> 00:09:53,090 Oh, i'm sorry. 286 00:09:53,125 --> 00:09:54,426 People can be very cruel. 287 00:09:54,860 --> 00:09:56,161 Anyway, i know it's hard to understand. 288 00:09:56,196 --> 00:09:57,861 Actually, i understand perfectly. 289 00:09:57,896 --> 00:10:01,800 I wasn't exactly the captain of the football team either. 290 00:10:03,102 --> 00:10:04,802 And then as i got older, 291 00:10:04,837 --> 00:10:07,656 My head just sort of seemed to get bigger 292 00:10:07,691 --> 00:10:09,951 While the rest of my body stayed the same. 293 00:10:09,986 --> 00:10:12,211 That's how i got my nickname in college. 294 00:10:12,246 --> 00:10:13,078 Your nickname? 295 00:10:13,512 --> 00:10:15,681 "That guy with the really big head." 296 00:10:15,716 --> 00:10:16,947 Right. 297 00:10:16,982 --> 00:10:18,717 Anyway, i sort of lost any confidence 298 00:10:19,151 --> 00:10:22,621 And found it impossible to ever ask a woman out. 299 00:10:22,656 --> 00:10:24,356 Well, i've never met a man 300 00:10:24,790 --> 00:10:26,959 Who was as sexually unappealing as me. 301 00:10:27,392 --> 00:10:29,960 Neither have i. 302 00:10:29,995 --> 00:10:31,695 Well, i'm quite happy without sex. 303 00:10:31,730 --> 00:10:33,899 I mean, with all the diseases and problems out there. 304 00:10:33,934 --> 00:10:34,766 Who needs it, right? 305 00:10:34,801 --> 00:10:36,085 Not me. 306 00:10:36,120 --> 00:10:37,334 M'kay. 307 00:10:37,369 --> 00:10:38,670 Well, back to the lesson plan then. 308 00:10:38,705 --> 00:10:40,804 Right. Okay, oral sex. 309 00:10:40,839 --> 00:10:42,539 Doesn't it give any other directions? 310 00:10:42,574 --> 00:10:47,346 No, it looks like you're just supposed to roll it over your wiener. 311 00:10:47,381 --> 00:10:49,515 "If used probably latex condoms are effective against 312 00:10:49,550 --> 00:10:52,985 Pregnancy, aids and other 'stdses'." 313 00:10:53,020 --> 00:10:54,251 What are "stdses"? 314 00:10:54,286 --> 00:10:55,986 How the heck should i know? 315 00:10:56,021 --> 00:10:58,624 Why, it's just a little doughnut. 316 00:10:59,057 --> 00:11:00,792 Oh, it's all gooey. 317 00:11:01,226 --> 00:11:02,527 Just put it on, butters. 318 00:11:02,562 --> 00:11:03,829 How come i gotta go first? 319 00:11:04,263 --> 00:11:05,998 Butters, will you stop... filibustering. 320 00:11:06,033 --> 00:11:09,034 All right then. 321 00:11:10,769 --> 00:11:12,035 Oh, it's sticky. 322 00:11:12,070 --> 00:11:13,805 It says you gotta check it for holes or tears. 323 00:11:14,239 --> 00:11:15,974 I don't even understand how this thing- 324 00:11:16,009 --> 00:11:18,108 Oh, wait, oh, i see. 325 00:11:18,143 --> 00:11:19,444 Don't look at butters' schlong, gay-Mo! 326 00:11:19,479 --> 00:11:20,711 I wasn't looking at his schlong, 327 00:11:20,746 --> 00:11:22,047 I was seeing how to put the condom on! 328 00:11:22,082 --> 00:11:23,313 Sure. But it won't stay on. 329 00:11:23,348 --> 00:11:25,083 I need a rubber band or something. 330 00:11:25,118 --> 00:11:27,269 I've got rubber bands! 331 00:11:27,304 --> 00:11:29,386 Ow, oh, ow! Okay, ow! 332 00:11:29,421 --> 00:11:32,240 There, okay, i think it's on. 333 00:11:32,275 --> 00:11:35,060 How do you feel? Pretty good. 334 00:11:35,095 --> 00:11:36,760 Do you feel protected? 335 00:11:36,795 --> 00:11:38,747 Yeah, i don't think nothing's getting at my wiener through this thing. 336 00:11:38,782 --> 00:11:40,699 It's even got a little reservoir at the end so you can pee in it. 337 00:11:40,734 --> 00:11:41,567 All right, here, everybody. 338 00:11:42,000 --> 00:11:42,868 Tweek, give everybody a rubber band. 339 00:11:43,302 --> 00:11:44,603 Hey, somebody's gotta help timmy put his condom on. 340 00:11:44,638 --> 00:11:46,338 Timmy! 341 00:11:47,639 --> 00:11:49,339 Teachers, i have some bad news. 342 00:11:49,374 --> 00:11:52,410 Last night i received a phone call from the local pharmacist. 343 00:11:52,445 --> 00:11:55,447 Apparently, almost all of our 4th graders are sexually active. 344 00:11:55,881 --> 00:11:57,182 And now that we've scared them a little 345 00:11:57,217 --> 00:11:58,917 They're buying condoms to use. 346 00:11:58,952 --> 00:12:00,219 I knew it. 347 00:12:00,652 --> 00:12:02,604 Well, at least we scared them enough to protect themselves. 348 00:12:02,639 --> 00:12:04,556 But now maybe you'll believe me when i say that we need to be 349 00:12:04,591 --> 00:12:07,124 Teaching even younger than 4th grade. 350 00:12:07,159 --> 00:12:09,327 But how old do you think a student should be 351 00:12:09,362 --> 00:12:11,496 When they learn about proper condom use? 352 00:12:11,531 --> 00:12:12,815 Kindergarten. 353 00:12:12,850 --> 00:12:14,064 Kindergarten?! 354 00:12:14,099 --> 00:12:17,569 We've to get to the students before they start having... sex. 355 00:12:18,003 --> 00:12:19,703 Not after. 356 00:12:19,738 --> 00:12:21,690 Oh, now this is getting ridiculous. 357 00:12:21,725 --> 00:12:23,607 I have to agree with miss choksondik. 358 00:12:23,642 --> 00:12:25,811 It's our responsibility to make sure our kids are safe 359 00:12:25,846 --> 00:12:27,563 If they're gonna screw around. 360 00:12:27,598 --> 00:12:29,281 I guess we have no choice. 361 00:12:31,450 --> 00:12:34,486 Okay, children, who can tell me what a condom is? 362 00:12:37,089 --> 00:12:38,355 Yes, jenny. 363 00:12:38,390 --> 00:12:40,993 It flies around and it's endangered. 364 00:12:41,028 --> 00:12:43,560 That's acondor, jenny,condor. 365 00:12:43,595 --> 00:12:46,632 Condoms are what we use to stop the spread of s.T.D.S. 366 00:12:46,667 --> 00:12:48,332 Yes, filmore? 367 00:12:48,367 --> 00:12:50,067 Can we do finger-Paints? 368 00:12:50,102 --> 00:12:51,403 No, we can't do finger-Paints! 369 00:12:51,837 --> 00:12:53,537 You kids wanna get herpes, huh? 370 00:12:53,572 --> 00:12:55,741 How about a nice bucket of aids, sound good? 371 00:12:55,776 --> 00:12:58,742 Now pay attention, all right? 372 00:12:58,777 --> 00:13:02,030 I'm going to show you the proper way to put on a condom. 373 00:13:02,065 --> 00:13:05,284 First of all, you remove the condom from its package. 374 00:13:05,717 --> 00:13:09,187 Then you find which way the condom rolls out. 375 00:13:09,621 --> 00:13:13,525 Put it in your mouth and apply. 376 00:13:17,429 --> 00:13:20,032 Ahhh, ahh! 377 00:13:20,465 --> 00:13:22,200 And it's as simple as that, any questions? 378 00:13:22,235 --> 00:13:23,935 All right, girls, yesterday we went over 379 00:13:24,369 --> 00:13:26,538 The myriad of diseases you can get from boys. 380 00:13:26,573 --> 00:13:27,804 But today we're going to talk about 381 00:13:27,839 --> 00:13:31,310 The most horrible disease they can give you of all. 382 00:13:31,345 --> 00:13:33,443 Pregnancy! 383 00:13:33,478 --> 00:13:36,515 That's right, since you girls decided to be sexually active, 384 00:13:36,550 --> 00:13:38,215 Teen pregnancy is at an all-Time high. 385 00:13:38,250 --> 00:13:40,419 You seem to think it's gonna be fun and neat to have a baby. 386 00:13:40,852 --> 00:13:44,288 Well, let's watch a little video, shall we? 387 00:13:44,323 --> 00:13:47,793 Strikie smallspresents "the miracle of child birth". 388 00:13:48,226 --> 00:13:49,961 The time is drawing close for delivery. 389 00:13:49,996 --> 00:13:51,697 Here we can see the water breaking. 390 00:13:51,732 --> 00:13:53,397 Eww! 391 00:13:53,432 --> 00:13:54,733 Later the contractions are happening closer together. 392 00:13:54,768 --> 00:13:56,867 Mom sure is in a lot of pain. 393 00:13:56,902 --> 00:13:59,071 Now we can see the crown of the baby's head, 394 00:13:59,106 --> 00:14:00,337 Stretching the vaginal walls 395 00:14:00,372 --> 00:14:03,191 In ways never before thought possible by mom. 396 00:14:03,226 --> 00:14:06,011 Finally the miracle happens and the baby is born. 397 00:14:06,046 --> 00:14:07,277 But mom's not done yet. 398 00:14:07,312 --> 00:14:09,481 She's still got some afterbirth to push out of her. 399 00:14:09,915 --> 00:14:12,916 Aaah! 400 00:14:12,951 --> 00:14:14,252 That's right. 401 00:14:14,686 --> 00:14:16,855 Girls, girls, where are you going? 402 00:14:29,134 --> 00:14:31,268 Man, this condom is driving me crazy. 403 00:14:31,303 --> 00:14:33,038 Yeah, i've changed mine three times already 404 00:14:33,073 --> 00:14:34,773 'Cause it itches so much. 405 00:14:35,207 --> 00:14:36,508 Yeah, but it makes going to the bathroom easier. 406 00:14:38,243 --> 00:14:39,978 All right, boys, i now have all the information i need 407 00:14:40,013 --> 00:14:43,413 To teach you the female anatomy, m'kay. 408 00:14:43,448 --> 00:14:46,485 M'kay, this part here is the vaginal opening. 409 00:14:46,520 --> 00:14:48,020 This is where the man puts his- 410 00:14:48,055 --> 00:14:49,521 Eric, what the hell are you doing? 411 00:14:49,556 --> 00:14:50,623 I'm putting on a new condom, 412 00:14:50,658 --> 00:14:51,824 I filled the other one up. 413 00:14:51,859 --> 00:14:52,991 Why are you wearing a condom? 414 00:14:53,026 --> 00:14:54,257 So, i don't get aids. 415 00:14:54,292 --> 00:14:56,027 Eric, you can't get aids from just sitting around, 416 00:14:56,062 --> 00:14:57,329 You have to get it from sex. 417 00:14:57,763 --> 00:14:58,595 From sex? Yes. 418 00:14:58,630 --> 00:14:59,931 You mean intercourse with a girl? 419 00:15:00,365 --> 00:15:01,198 Yes! 420 00:15:01,233 --> 00:15:02,968 Now will you all pay attention, please? 421 00:15:03,003 --> 00:15:04,668 The vagina and the clitoris are on... 422 00:15:04,703 --> 00:15:07,305 All this time, it's the girls that giveusdiseases. 423 00:15:07,340 --> 00:15:08,572 I knew it, girls lie! 424 00:15:08,607 --> 00:15:09,873 They lie right to your face! 425 00:15:09,908 --> 00:15:12,077 Now here we can see the interior female anatomy... 426 00:15:12,112 --> 00:15:14,246 Well, that does it, if us boys are going to live 427 00:15:14,679 --> 00:15:16,415 We have to get rid of the girls. 428 00:15:16,848 --> 00:15:18,150 Yeah, come on, guys, this is war. 429 00:15:18,185 --> 00:15:19,468 Yeah. 430 00:15:19,503 --> 00:15:20,752 Come on! 431 00:15:26,391 --> 00:15:29,861 And here we see the tender, magical uterus. 432 00:15:29,896 --> 00:15:32,030 Here we see the enticing, voluptuous 433 00:15:32,065 --> 00:15:35,031 Fallopian tubes, m'kay. 434 00:15:35,066 --> 00:15:36,368 Okay, children, now i want to review 435 00:15:36,802 --> 00:15:38,935 The different sexual positions. 436 00:15:38,970 --> 00:15:41,573 Who can tell me which sexual positions we talked about? 437 00:15:41,608 --> 00:15:43,707 Missionary position. 438 00:15:43,742 --> 00:15:45,442 Missionary position, good. 439 00:15:45,477 --> 00:15:46,778 A little boring, but tried and true. 440 00:15:47,212 --> 00:15:48,296 What else? 441 00:15:48,331 --> 00:15:49,346 Doggie. 442 00:15:49,381 --> 00:15:50,682 That's right, doggie style we went over, mm-Hmm. 443 00:15:50,717 --> 00:15:53,250 Pile driver. 444 00:15:53,285 --> 00:15:55,454 Uh-Huh, pile driver position, good, quake. 445 00:15:55,489 --> 00:15:57,189 The filthy sanchez. 446 00:15:57,622 --> 00:16:00,659 Yes, good, flora, you remembered the filthy sanchez. 447 00:16:00,694 --> 00:16:02,359 Hot karl? 448 00:16:02,394 --> 00:16:05,430 Yes, you can give your partner the old hot karl, sure. 449 00:16:12,370 --> 00:16:13,637 There, you see? 450 00:16:13,672 --> 00:16:16,274 The girls have built some kind of stronghold to keep us out. 451 00:16:16,708 --> 00:16:18,877 Stay away from us, bastards, we don't wanna get pregnant! 452 00:16:19,311 --> 00:16:21,913 Yeah, just take your diseases and go away forever. 453 00:16:21,948 --> 00:16:23,665 Ha! They're your diseases. 454 00:16:23,700 --> 00:16:25,383 Yeah, you get out of town. 455 00:16:25,817 --> 00:16:26,650 Here, talk to them, butters. 456 00:16:26,685 --> 00:16:28,819 Me? What the heck am i supposed to say? 457 00:16:28,854 --> 00:16:30,155 Just tell them if they leave town peacefully 458 00:16:30,589 --> 00:16:32,974 We won't have to resort to violence. 459 00:16:33,009 --> 00:16:35,325 Just walk away. 460 00:16:35,360 --> 00:16:37,529 You can put a stop to all this. 461 00:16:37,963 --> 00:16:41,867 Just walk away, and we will spare your lives. 462 00:16:41,902 --> 00:16:43,168 Just walk away. 463 00:16:43,602 --> 00:16:44,469 He's pretty good. 464 00:16:44,903 --> 00:16:47,506 We'll never walk away, never! 465 00:16:52,711 --> 00:16:53,977 Oh, bitch! 466 00:16:54,012 --> 00:16:55,313 That does it! Attack! 467 00:16:55,747 --> 00:17:00,050 M'kay, so apparently the lesson plan tomorrow 468 00:17:00,085 --> 00:17:04,856 Is supposed to involve secretion of bodily fluids, m'kay. 469 00:17:04,891 --> 00:17:06,591 I've already gone through that with the girls, 470 00:17:07,025 --> 00:17:07,892 It's pretty simple. 471 00:17:07,927 --> 00:17:08,760 Do you want a drink? 472 00:17:08,795 --> 00:17:10,495 Why, sure. 473 00:17:10,929 --> 00:17:14,399 Yeah, i think i can get through that stuff pretty quick. 474 00:17:14,434 --> 00:17:17,869 Ah, maybe we should come up with another lesson plan. 475 00:17:18,303 --> 00:17:19,135 Something about how nerve endings 476 00:17:19,170 --> 00:17:21,339 Play an important part in intercourse. 477 00:17:21,374 --> 00:17:22,606 Oh, right, right. 478 00:17:22,641 --> 00:17:26,328 Like... in the... nipples. 479 00:17:26,363 --> 00:17:29,980 Or the... shaft of the penis. 480 00:17:30,015 --> 00:17:34,352 It says here that the, uh, head of the penis 481 00:17:34,387 --> 00:17:38,690 Is actually the most sensitive part, m'kay. 482 00:17:39,124 --> 00:17:41,293 Oh yes, the nerve endings are the most concentrated 483 00:17:41,328 --> 00:17:42,993 At the tip of the penis, 484 00:17:43,028 --> 00:17:46,897 Like they are in the clitoris of the woman. 485 00:17:46,932 --> 00:17:50,835 And these are the two areas most important to... 486 00:17:50,870 --> 00:17:53,438 Sexual stimulation. 487 00:17:56,041 --> 00:17:57,307 Oh, is this wrong? 488 00:17:57,342 --> 00:18:00,378 I don't know, it doesn't feel wrong. 489 00:18:02,547 --> 00:18:05,150 I've been thinking about you a lot, miss choksondik. 490 00:18:05,185 --> 00:18:08,186 Yeah, what do you do when you think about me? 491 00:18:08,221 --> 00:18:09,054 Go crazy. 492 00:18:09,487 --> 00:18:10,355 Do you touch yourself? 493 00:18:10,390 --> 00:18:11,890 Yeah. 494 00:18:11,925 --> 00:18:13,391 Mmm. 495 00:18:44,623 --> 00:18:45,889 Ah, m'kay. 496 00:18:45,924 --> 00:18:47,659 Oh my gosh, oh god. Stop, stop! 497 00:18:48,093 --> 00:18:49,828 What's wrong? 498 00:18:50,261 --> 00:18:52,430 It's your turn. 499 00:18:53,732 --> 00:18:55,467 Oh, oh, miss choksondik. 500 00:18:55,900 --> 00:18:58,034 M'kay, m'kay! 501 00:18:58,069 --> 00:18:59,336 Do you want me? I do. 502 00:18:59,371 --> 00:19:02,841 Tell me. I want you, m'kay. 503 00:19:02,876 --> 00:19:04,107 Wait, wait, wait! 504 00:19:04,142 --> 00:19:06,311 Do you have a condom? 505 00:19:06,346 --> 00:19:08,046 Well, no. 506 00:19:08,480 --> 00:19:10,614 Oh well, it. 507 00:19:10,649 --> 00:19:11,950 Oh god, give it to me. 508 00:19:11,985 --> 00:19:14,084 Oh yeah. 509 00:19:14,119 --> 00:19:16,287 Oh, oh, that's it, baby, that's it. 510 00:19:16,322 --> 00:19:18,456 Oh, you feel so good, m'kay. 511 00:19:38,410 --> 00:19:40,145 What the hell was that? 512 00:19:40,180 --> 00:19:41,880 Did you feel something? 513 00:19:41,915 --> 00:19:45,350 Oh, no. 514 00:19:45,784 --> 00:19:48,820 Jesus christ! 515 00:19:51,856 --> 00:19:54,459 Ooh, butters, you're in big trouble now. 516 00:19:59,431 --> 00:20:01,166 Well, i don't know what got into you kids. 517 00:20:01,599 --> 00:20:02,866 You should be ashamed of yourselves. 518 00:20:02,901 --> 00:20:04,636 We just didn't want the girls giving us diseases. 519 00:20:04,671 --> 00:20:06,336 I'm afraid this is all my fault. 520 00:20:06,371 --> 00:20:08,540 I think i went a little overboard scaring the girls. 521 00:20:08,575 --> 00:20:10,709 I forgot to tell them that to get diseases from boys 522 00:20:11,142 --> 00:20:13,311 You have to have sex with them first. 523 00:20:13,346 --> 00:20:14,577 Oh! 524 00:20:14,612 --> 00:20:18,083 Well, i hate to say it, but you all got what you deserve. 525 00:20:18,118 --> 00:20:18,915 Huh? Huh? 526 00:20:18,950 --> 00:20:20,685 Look, schools are teaching condom use 527 00:20:21,119 --> 00:20:23,071 To younger and younger students each day. 528 00:20:23,106 --> 00:20:25,023 But sex isn't something that should be taught 529 00:20:25,058 --> 00:20:26,723 In textbooks and diagrams. 530 00:20:26,758 --> 00:20:28,710 Sex is emotional and spiritual. 531 00:20:28,745 --> 00:20:30,571 It needs to be taught by family. 532 00:20:30,606 --> 00:20:32,362 I know it can be hard, parents, 533 00:20:32,397 --> 00:20:34,999 But if you leave it up to the schools to teach sex to kids, 534 00:20:35,433 --> 00:20:37,168 You don't know who they're learning it from. 535 00:20:37,203 --> 00:20:39,354 It could be someone who doesn't know. 536 00:20:39,389 --> 00:20:41,506 Someone who has a bad opinion of it, 537 00:20:41,541 --> 00:20:44,074 Or even a complete pervert. 538 00:20:44,109 --> 00:20:45,627 What, why did you pan to me just now? 539 00:20:45,662 --> 00:20:47,145 What the hell's that supposed to mean? 540 00:20:47,579 --> 00:20:48,845 He's right, i never knew how 541 00:20:48,880 --> 00:20:52,749 Special and personal sex was until just recently. 542 00:20:52,784 --> 00:20:55,820 This whole mess started because we couldn't talk to our boy ourselves. 543 00:20:55,855 --> 00:20:58,006 It easier to leave it up to the school, 544 00:20:58,041 --> 00:21:00,123 But it's just not a school subject. 545 00:21:00,158 --> 00:21:02,761 Then it's decided, no more condom classes in grade school. 546 00:21:03,194 --> 00:21:04,461 Hooray! Hooray! 547 00:21:04,496 --> 00:21:06,664 But chef, when is the right age for us to start having sex? 548 00:21:06,699 --> 00:21:08,364 It's very simple, children, 549 00:21:08,399 --> 00:21:11,436 The right time to start having sex is... 550 00:21:11,471 --> 00:21:12,702 Seventeen. 551 00:21:12,737 --> 00:21:14,437 Seventeen? Seventeen. 552 00:21:14,472 --> 00:21:16,641 So you mean 17 as long as you're in love? 553 00:21:16,676 --> 00:21:17,907 No, just 17. 554 00:21:17,942 --> 00:21:20,111 But what if you're not ready at 17? 555 00:21:20,146 --> 00:21:22,245 17, you're ready. 556 00:21:22,280 --> 00:21:23,546 Well, i guess we got a while to wait 557 00:21:23,581 --> 00:21:25,750 Before we worry about sex and diseases, huh, wendy? 558 00:21:25,785 --> 00:21:27,016 Yeah, thank god. 559 00:21:27,051 --> 00:21:27,919 Well, i guess now that that's out of the way 560 00:21:28,353 --> 00:21:29,220 We can get on with our lives. 561 00:21:29,255 --> 00:21:30,487 Come here, boy. 562 00:21:30,522 --> 00:21:32,257 That's it, red rocket, red rocket, come on yeah. 563 00:21:32,292 --> 00:21:33,558 Come on, red rocket, dog. 564 00:21:33,992 --> 00:21:35,727 Red rocket now. 565 00:21:37,896 --> 00:21:39,631 Okay, children, so what other sexual positions 566 00:21:40,064 --> 00:21:41,331 Did we talk about? 567 00:21:41,366 --> 00:21:44,402 Yeah, the wrap-Around butt grab, sure, can't forget that. 568 00:21:44,437 --> 00:21:46,571 Uh-Huh, reverse cowgirl, good, kevin. 569 00:21:46,606 --> 00:21:49,174 Hot lunch, yeah, she likes that. 570 00:21:49,209 --> 00:21:51,307 Donkey punch, uh-Huh. 571 00:21:51,342 --> 00:21:54,379 Glass bottom boat, good one, yes. 572 00:21:54,414 --> 00:21:56,548 Fish eye, good, jenny. 573 00:21:56,981 --> 00:21:59,150 Chili dog, mm-Hmm. 574 00:21:59,584 --> 00:22:00,885 Captioning made possible by comedy central 575 00:22:01,753 --> 00:22:03,054 Captioned by soundwriters™