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South Park
Episode 10x03 : Cartoon Wars.
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Transciption : www.spscriptorium.com
Sync : Eyedol
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But the Bubble Gum Prince wasn't afraid.
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He knew that the Land of Chocolate was safe forever and ever.
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Good night my little angel.
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- Stan !
- What ?! What ?!
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Get up ! Get your shoes on ! Gotta get out of here ! MOOVE !
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Take this, we've goota bring all the water we can !
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Shelly go get my gun !
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What's going on, dad ?
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Just get the gun !!!
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All right, come on !
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Kyle, what the hell is going on this time ?
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I have no idea.
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Take cover in the community center again.
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All right, everyone get in, and get a seal on that door !
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Oh my God, Steven, we've let Butters !
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We can't go back out there Linda, it's too late for him.
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Dad ? Dad what the hell is going on ?
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A cartoon ! A cartoon is about to air on American television with...
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with the Muslim prophet Muhammed as a character.
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So ?
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So ? Stanley, Muhammad is sacred to the Muslim people.
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Ever since those cartoon in Denmark, the rules have changed.
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Nobody shows an image of Muhammad anymore.
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Which cartoon is it ?
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What cartoon'll be so insensitive as to have Muhammad as a character ?
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Who do you think ?
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The cartoon that's always pushing buttons with their careless toilet humor !
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Family Guy !
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How could Family Guy do that ?
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Why would Family Guy so blatantly insult Muslims ?
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Because Family Guy doesn't care who they insult.
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They only care about their precious money !
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Oh come on, people. You really think anybody's gonna be that pissed off about a cartoon ?
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We've got the TV working.
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Once again, a cartoon depicting the Muslim prophet Muhammad
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is set to air tonight on Family Guy.
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Oh Randy hold me !
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The news has already sparked a shockwave of protests throughout the Muslim world.
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All over the Middle East, Muslims are burning American flags
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and Family Guy posters.
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Muslim terrorist al-Zawahri made this statement :
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So what happens now ?
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We stay here through the night,
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wait it out to see if they do anything.
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If we're still alive in the morning,
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then we'll know we're not dead !
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It's okay !
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We're alive ? We're alive !
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Everyone, everyone listen !
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Fox network censored the image
of Muhammad at the last minute !
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Oh thank God !
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Well it looks like we dodged a bullet.
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They censored the image
of Muhammad ? How ?
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I tivo every episode, we can go
to my house and see what they did.
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Okay you guys, check it out !
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You tivo every episode of Family Guy ?
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Dude, it's a good show !
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Yeah, lots of people like Family Guy.
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Peter, I can't believe you invited your
old highschool sweetheart over for dinner !
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You think that's bad ?
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Remember when I auditioned to be
David Hasselhoff's car ?
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- Hey there, Knight Rider !
- After those bad guys, Kitt !
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Yeah but dad, why would you invite
an ex-girlfriend to dinner ?
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Perhaps he wants to make our mother nervous.
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Nervous ?
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Like when I had to sell pancakes
to this school soccer captain ?
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Pancakes for you, Captain !
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I'll be the captain, and you'll be Tennille.
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Love will keep us together
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But, Peter, I don't wanna cook
dinner for your ex-girlfriend !
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Well, maybe we can just have tea.
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You mean like the time you had tea with Muhammed,
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the prophet of the Muslim faith ?
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Come on, Muhammed,
let's get some tea !
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Try my Mister T... tea.
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Boy, was that ever weird.
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Anyway, I can't believe I invited
my old sweetheart to dinner, huh !
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That's it ? That's all they did ?
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Oh man, that's not cool !
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- Seriously, that is not cool.
- Why, what's the big deal ?
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What's the big deal ?
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You guys, they've just made fun of
the religion of an entire group of people.
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What, you guys think that's okay ?
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Do you care at all about people's feelings ?
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Since when do you care about being
sensitive to people's religion, Cartman ?
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Yeah, you rip on people's religion all the time !
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That's different.
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I'm just a little boy !
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That's a cartoon.
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Millions of people watch it !
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How would you feel, Kyle,
if there's a cartoon on television
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that make fun of Jews all the time, huh ?
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I'm telling you guys, it's wrong.
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It's wrong !
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It's wroooong !
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Kyle ! Kyle what are you watching ?
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Hey Brian, this is like the time
I got a job as a carrot cake.
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It's Family Guy !
Quick Gerald, do something.
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Dad, dad ! Jesus Christ !
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It's okay, it's dead.
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You boys know you're not supposed to watch that careless show !
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Mom, it was nothing !
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Muhammad just stood there and drank some tea.
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You boys don't understand anything.
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It's obvious that you all need Muslim sensitivity training.
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Welcome to Muslim sensitivity training.
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It is important for us to understand
why the Muslims feel the way they do.
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And why we can never show an image of Muhammed.
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No, Muslims can't show an image of Muhammad.
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Kyle, you're not being very sensitive.
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Yeah Kyle, maybe you think this is funny
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but the rest of us don't.
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Let's all look at why Muslims are upset.
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First of all, in the Muslim religion,
you're not allowed to have what ?
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Sex ! Good !
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There's no sex until marriage in the Muslim world.
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Now this would be fine except that in
the Muslim religion you also can't... ?
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Anybody ?
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Jack off !
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Okay jacking it is strictly forbidden in the Muslim religion.
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And what do we know about
the places Muslims live ?
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They live in...
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Good, sand !
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Now put yourself in the shoes of a Muslim,
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it's friday night but you can't have sex
and you can't jack off.
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There's sand in your eyes, and probably in the crack of your ass
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and then some cartoon comes along
from a country where people are getting laid
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and mocks your prophet !
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Well, you know what ?
I'd be pretty pissed off too !
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Mrs Garrison, that is ignorant and racist !
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Muslims are mad because of Family Guy,
not because they can't jack off !
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Right Wendy ?
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Yeah !
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Attention students, proceed to the school gymnasium immediately
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for an emergency announcement.
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The hell's going on now ?
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Shh, quiet students, quiet !
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Once again, we have just learn that the Family Guy episode
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featuring Muhammed,
was only part one of a two-parter !
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And part two is going to air next week,
with Muhammed uncensored !
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What ?
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- Why would they...
- Fox studios claim that
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the Family Guy writing staff
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has demanded the Muhammed
character be seen in full-view.
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The head of Fox had this to say.
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Family Guy is our biggest show.
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If they insist we don't
censor their work, then we can't.
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Family Guy !
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I damn you to hell !
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Once again, bitter riots have started in the Middle East.
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This time even more massive.
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And terrorist leader al-Zawahri has issued a threat.
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Retaliation !
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Oh my God ! M'kay.
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Goddamned Family Guy !
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Now they're just provoking people,
it's like they want a holy war !
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Does this mean
we don't have school all week ?
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You guys, this is serious.
We have to do something !
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- Like what ?
- We have to go to Fox network in L.A.
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We have to go and...
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try to get that episode pulled.
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You guys with me ?
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Due we can't go anywhere,
they've shutdown the airports and the buses.
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Then we'll ride our big wheels !
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- To Los Angeles ?
- If that's what it takes, yes !
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We have to talk to the network.
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The Family Guy writers
aren't gonna back down !
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Well good for them !
They shouldn't.
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The writers are standing up and saying
they aren't going to be intimidated.
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Intimidated ? Is that what you think
this is about Kyle ?
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All right dude, what the hell has gotten into you ?
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I don't trust for one second that you're sudden
concern for the Muslim people is real !
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All right, fine Kyle. Forget
the Muslim faith for a minute.
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People can get hurt.
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If ten people die because Family Guy
just had to have their little joke
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Will you still think it's funny ?
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What if a hundred people die ?
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Will it be funny then Kyle ?
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I'm going to Los Angeles.
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And I'm gonna do whatever I can
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to get that episode pulled before this gets out of hands.
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Somebody has to speak for the Muslim people !
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Somebody has to speak for what's right !
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Kyle ! Kyle wake up, we have to go !
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The terrorists are attacking !
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Dad, are you sure this time ?
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This isn't a joke Kyle.
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Bombs have already gone off in six cities !
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No !
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Wait a minute ! Where's Ike ?!
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He was just here ! Ike !
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Ike !
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Ike ? Iiike ! Ike !
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Ice cream. I want chocolate.
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Ike ! This way !
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Kyyyle !
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Nooooo
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Come to try and stop me ?! It isn't gonna work.
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I didn't come to stop you.
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I... I think you're right, Cartman.
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I want to help you get the Family Guy episode pulled.
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Yeah well, I don't need a partner on this.
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Especially one who doesn't trust me.
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Look, Cartman, I don't know what's gotten into you, but...
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I think it's pretty amazing.
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And I think it's real.
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You have to understand why I didn't believe you before.
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Yeah. I do understand, Kyle.
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I've been doing the wrong things for a long time.
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Doing things for my own selfish reasons.
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I just wanna do something right, you know ?
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Just this one time.
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It's a long trip, dude. You're gonna need help.
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We can try and get the episode pulled together.
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You know we might not even make it into the studio.
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I know.
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But just like you, I feel like I have to try.
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People can really get hurt,
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and a joke just isn't worth that.
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So what made you change your mind ?
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I got some sound advice... from an old friend.
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Well Kyle, we'd better get going.
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Yeah !
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- Are you set ?
- I'm set ! Let's do this !
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All right, let's roll !
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People ! People, quiet, please !
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We must not panic !
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Well what are we gonna do, Mayor ?!
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Part 2 of the Family Guy episode airs in six days !
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I believe that Professor Thomas from the University
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has come up with a solution.
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Thank you, Mayor.
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Now look, everyone.
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Muslim terrorists and extremists are threatening us
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for what Family Guy is going to do...
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because they've wrongly grouped us together.
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Our only hope is to make the Muslim extremists know...
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that we had no part in the Muhammad episode.
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That even though the episode aired,
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we didn't watch it, we didn't hear it,
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and we didn't talk about it.
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So how do we do that ?
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We bury our heads. In sand.
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We take twenty to twenty-five dump trucks,
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fill them with sand from Monarch Lake, and then dump the sand along South Park Avenue.
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By using approximately eighteen dozen shovels,
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we can each dig a hole in the sand, stick our heads in the holes,
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and then have the person to our left bury them.
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If we can manage to get every person's head buried deep, deep in sand
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before the Muhammad episode airs,
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we could avoid looking like we're responsible for any part of this at all.
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No, no, wait a minute, that's ridiculous.
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Look, what we need to do is just the opposite.
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Freedom of speech is at stake here, don't you all see ?
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If anything, we should ALL make cartoons of Muhammad,
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and show the terrorists and the extremists
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that we are all united in the belief that every person
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has a right to say what they want !
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Look, people, it's...
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it's been real easy for us to stand up for free speech lately.
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For the past few decades we haven't had to risk anything to defend it.
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But those times are going to come !
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And one of those times is right now.
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And if we... aren't willing to risk what we have,
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then we just believe in free speech,
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but we don't defend it.
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I like the sand idea.
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Yeah, me too.
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Yeah. The sand thing sounds a lot simpler.
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- Let's do the sand !
- Yeah, yeah !
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We're gonna need eight dozen shovels and sixteen tons of sand !
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Let's move, people !
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We've got six days to make it to Los Angeles.
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If we keep our stops to a minimum,
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we should be able to get the episode pulled just in time.
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Yes, and in just a few weeks from now,
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Family Guy will be off the air forever.
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Off the air ? But...
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we're just going to try to get the Muhammad episode pulled.
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It's simple television economics, Kyle.
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All it takes to kill a show forever is get one episode pulled.
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If we convince the network to pull this episode for the sake of Muslims,
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then the Catholics can demand a show they don't like get pulled.
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And then people with disabilities can demand another show get pulled.
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And so on and so on, until Family Guy is no more !
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It's exactly what happened to Laverne & Shirley.
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Whoa whoa wait a minute !
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This isn't what I signed up for !
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I like Family Guy.
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Why do we have to get it off the air forever ?
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Because they made f-fun of Muslims, and... and that's wrong.
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But that doesn't mean it has to go off the air.
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You should like that show. Your sense of humor is just like Family Guy.
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Don't you EVER, EVER, compare me to Family Guy !
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You hear me Kyle ??!!
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Compare me to Family Guy again,
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and so help me I will kill you where you stand !
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You unbelievable son of a bitch.
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You never cared about the Muslim religion
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or the safety of people in America.
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You just want Family Guy off the air !
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Do you have any idea what it's like ?!
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Everywhere I go, "Hey Cartman, you must like Family Guy, right ?"
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"Hey, your sense of humor reminds me of Family Guy, Cartman."
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I am NOTHING like Family Guy !
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When I make jokes, they are inherent to a story !
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Deep, situational and emotional jokes
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based on what is relevant and has a POINT !
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Not just one random interchangeable joke after another !!
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What are you talking about ?!
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YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND !
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I can't believe I let you scare me into taking your side.
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You used fear to make me stop believing in free speech.
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Well... I guess you won't be helping me now.
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No biggie.
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I don't NEED you to get the episode pulled !
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No ! I am NOT letting you go to that television studio and pretend...
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to care about safety and sensitivity to get a show you don't like off the air !
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Well then Kyle, I guess we- ...Oh my God, is that Tim McGraw ?
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What ?
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CARTMAN !
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Kyle, stop it !
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Holy Crap !
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Stay on 'em !
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Jesus and Mary !
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If you have children,
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be sure to bury their heads in the sand before you bury your own.
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Dad, I don't wanna bury my head in the sand.
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It's the best way, Stanley.
Did you eat your Fruit Roll-Up ?
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Yeah.
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All right, make sure your snorkel is working.
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All right, now get your head in the hole.
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Dad, this is stupid.
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Stanley, there's no time for your immaturity ! Do it !
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All right Sharon, now do me.
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Uh Professor, we all just thought of somethin'.
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If everyone has their head buried by the person standing to their left,
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then who's gonna bury the last person's head ?
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Yes. I'm afraid one person is going to have to be last, and...
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not have his head in the sand.
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- I'll do it.
- Dylan, no !
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You realize by not burying your head in sand,
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you'll appear to be a part of the Family Guy audience.
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Yes, I know.
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Dylan, please, you can't !
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Somebody has to do it, Sarah.
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You run along now and you get your head in the sand.
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I'll be all right.
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You have to understand... I'm all she has.
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Who are those people ?
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No !
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Hahahaha ! So long, Kyle !
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You son of a bitch ! I won't let you win ! You hear me ?!
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Suck my balls, Kyle !
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Are you the network president ?
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Yes, Mr. President.
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We need to discuss this Family Guy episode, Mr. President.
360
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Mr. President, my hands are tied.
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The Family Guy writers insist I don't censor Muhammad.
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But Mr. President, this is a matter of national security.
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They must be reasoned with.
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Mr. President,
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there's something about the Family Guy writing staff I think you should know.
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The race continues.
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Cartman reaches the Family Guy Studio
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and learns the shocking secret behind the Family Guy writing staff.
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This... explains everything.
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As an entire nation buries its head in sand...
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The idea has swept the nation !
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But where will we find enough sand for everyone ?
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Kyle, quit it ! Quit it, Kyle !
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Or will Comedy Central puss out ?
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Tune in to see Part 2 of Family Guy,
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next week, on South Park !
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Transciption : www.spscriptorium.com
Sync : Eyedol
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With Muter's courtesy.