1
00:00:14,067 --> 00:00:17,519
I'm going down to South Park,
gonna have myself a time,
2
00:00:17,554 --> 00:00:20,778
Friendly faces everywhere,
humble folks without temptation,
3
00:00:20,809 --> 00:00:24,121
I'm goin out to South Park,
gonna leave my woes behind,
4
00:00:24,137 --> 00:00:27,468
Ample parking day or night,
people spouting howdy neighbor,
5
00:00:27,500 --> 00:00:30,581
I'm heading out to South Park,
gonna see if I can't unwind,
6
00:00:30,690 --> 00:00:34,199
I like girls with big fat titties,
I like girls with really big fat titties,
7
00:00:34,234 --> 00:00:36,968
So come on down to South Park
and meet some friends of mine,
8
00:00:45,219 --> 00:00:49,605
Big Ring Slammer.
Comes with posable neck-smash grip.
9
00:00:50,285 --> 00:00:52,724
- That's pretty cool. Let's see...
- Cock!
10
00:00:55,992 --> 00:00:57,358
The Black Jackal.
11
00:00:57,359 --> 00:00:59,883
Karate Kick Panel Force
and bendable neck--
12
00:00:59,890 --> 00:01:01,008
Asshole! Cock!
13
00:01:03,571 --> 00:01:05,175
Asshole, shit,
shit, cock!
14
00:01:06,770 --> 00:01:08,586
Ma'am, is that
your son over there?
15
00:01:08,786 --> 00:01:11,567
Yes, I'm sorry. My son
has Tourette's Syndrome.
16
00:01:11,859 --> 00:01:14,946
- Tourette's Syndrome?
- It's a neurological disorder.
17
00:01:15,010 --> 00:01:17,711
- He can't control what he says.
- Oh...
18
00:01:18,220 --> 00:01:20,087
Shit!
Dumb shit!
19
00:01:20,468 --> 00:01:22,154
All right, Thomas.
Maybe we should go?
20
00:01:22,497 --> 00:01:24,430
All right Mom.
Bitch! Ass, bitch!
21
00:01:24,559 --> 00:01:26,637
Here, let's buy you
a nice toy to take home.
22
00:01:29,129 --> 00:01:30,634
Dude, that mom
is cool.
23
00:01:33,078 --> 00:01:36,405
Cockbutt!
Stupid shit!
24
00:01:37,590 --> 00:01:40,664
- Are you talking to me?
- No. Cocknose!
25
00:01:40,998 --> 00:01:43,392
- What's your problem, kid?
- Oh, I'm sorry.
26
00:01:43,400 --> 00:01:45,688
My son Thomas
has Tourette's Syndrome.
27
00:01:45,723 --> 00:01:46,553
What?
28
00:01:46,658 --> 00:01:48,775
Mom, let's just go.
Shit!
29
00:01:48,808 --> 00:01:52,264
People with Tourette's can't control
certain tics. It's--it's like a sneeze.
30
00:01:52,788 --> 00:01:53,979
Asshole, asshole!
31
00:01:55,789 --> 00:01:57,513
Wait, wait, wait.
Whoa, whoa.
32
00:01:57,692 --> 00:02:00,391
You're telling me there's an illness
that makes you blurt out obscenities?
33
00:02:00,479 --> 00:02:02,130
Mom, can we just
go home, please?
34
00:02:02,131 --> 00:02:04,010
It's okay, Thomas.
They understand.
35
00:02:04,079 --> 00:02:06,919
I want to go!
Shitfag!
36
00:02:08,217 --> 00:02:09,749
- Poor kid.
- Yeah.
37
00:02:09,869 --> 00:02:11,596
All right, hold on
just a second here.
38
00:02:11,928 --> 00:02:14,143
Are you telling me that if you have
this Tourette's Syndrome
39
00:02:14,178 --> 00:02:17,293
you can say whatever you want,
all the time, and never get in trouble?
40
00:02:17,679 --> 00:02:20,234
It's a neurological disorder.
He can't help it.
41
00:02:20,269 --> 00:02:21,075
Yeah.
42
00:02:24,839 --> 00:02:27,977
I've got a golden ticket...
43
00:02:28,837 --> 00:02:33,252
I've got an golden twinkle
in my eye.
44
00:02:34,820 --> 00:02:36,378
Hey, don't you wanna
buy that toy?
45
00:02:36,630 --> 00:02:38,915
I don't need the toy.
I've found something better!
46
00:02:39,207 --> 00:02:42,176
'Cause I've got
a golden ticket!
47
00:02:42,526 --> 00:02:46,204
I've got a golden change
to make my way.
48
00:02:53,608 --> 00:02:55,960
It started about
four days ago, Doctor,
49
00:02:55,995 --> 00:02:58,029
and every day,
he seems to get worse.
50
00:02:58,250 --> 00:03:01,354
Puh- pussy!
Pussy! Cock! Shit!
51
00:03:01,387 --> 00:03:03,021
I was checking out
the Internet and...
52
00:03:03,127 --> 00:03:07,026
It almost seems like his symptoms are
like those in something called Tour...
53
00:03:07,107 --> 00:03:08,562
Tourette's Syndrome?
54
00:03:08,597 --> 00:03:10,921
Tourette's Syndrome?
What is that, Mommy?
55
00:03:11,157 --> 00:03:15,084
- Butthole! Titties! Balls!
- That doesn't seem likely.
56
00:03:15,297 --> 00:03:18,468
Tourette's is a hereditary disease,
it doesn't just suddenly start.
57
00:03:20,150 --> 00:03:20,906
Cocksucker!
58
00:03:23,260 --> 00:03:26,675
On the other hand, Tourette's does
often develop later in a child's life...
59
00:03:26,725 --> 00:03:28,735
getting progressively worse.
60
00:03:28,757 --> 00:03:32,899
Oh, well that's it! Shithead!
Asshole! Mexican sticky balls!
61
00:03:33,149 --> 00:03:34,666
Oh Doctor,
can you help him?
62
00:03:34,987 --> 00:03:37,402
We don't know very much
about Tourette's, I'm afraid.
63
00:03:37,548 --> 00:03:39,727
But we will give your son
all the help we can.
64
00:03:39,762 --> 00:03:41,511
But what about school,
Doctor?
65
00:03:41,630 --> 00:03:42,793
The teachers and the principal,
66
00:03:42,863 --> 00:03:44,911
they won't understand that
I can't control what I say.
67
00:03:45,158 --> 00:03:46,276
Don't worry, young man.
68
00:03:46,645 --> 00:03:49,245
We'll make sure everyone
understands your disease...
69
00:03:49,257 --> 00:03:51,160
and gives you the compassion
you deserve.
70
00:03:51,330 --> 00:03:54,533
Oh, that's awesome.
Thank you. Faggot!
71
00:03:58,230 --> 00:03:59,994
Shit! Butthole!
72
00:04:01,488 --> 00:04:04,449
Hey, Wendy.
Dumb bitch! Uh, sorry.
73
00:04:05,667 --> 00:04:07,068
Titties! Cock!
74
00:04:08,128 --> 00:04:10,781
Ginger retard!
Asslicker dickface!
75
00:04:11,289 --> 00:04:13,169
Dude, you'd better watch it.
The principal's right over there.
76
00:04:14,239 --> 00:04:16,003
Oh, good morning,
Principal Victoria.
77
00:04:16,038 --> 00:04:18,431
- Shitballs!
- Good morning, Eric.
78
00:04:20,829 --> 00:04:22,839
Did Cartman just say "shitballs"
to the principal?
79
00:04:22,874 --> 00:04:24,003
You didn't hear?
80
00:04:24,038 --> 00:04:27,315
Well Cartman has some mental disease
called Tourette's Syndrome or something.
81
00:04:27,589 --> 00:04:28,287
What?
82
00:04:28,322 --> 00:04:29,899
He's the luckiest kid
in the world.
83
00:04:29,949 --> 00:04:31,681
If I could say "shitballs"
to the principal,
84
00:04:31,682 --> 00:04:33,136
I'd be so happy.
85
00:04:33,868 --> 00:04:38,113
Excuse me, excuse me everyone, I guess
you might have noticed my awkward tics.
86
00:04:38,330 --> 00:04:40,271
Asshole!
Pussy asshole!
87
00:04:41,597 --> 00:04:43,744
I just want you to know that
I can't control it.
88
00:04:44,127 --> 00:04:47,696
It's okay, Eric. We all understand
and we think you're very brave.
89
00:04:49,297 --> 00:04:50,288
He's faking.
90
00:04:54,079 --> 00:04:55,796
Excuse me, everyone.
I need to have a moment alone
91
00:04:55,831 --> 00:04:58,034
with my good friend Kyle?
Asscheeks!
92
00:04:59,579 --> 00:05:01,875
Kyle, apparently you missed
the school assembly yesterday,
93
00:05:01,880 --> 00:05:04,298
but I've been diagnosed with
a very serious mental condition.
94
00:05:04,730 --> 00:05:06,866
You do not have
Tourette's Syndrome, fatass.
95
00:05:08,838 --> 00:05:11,832
Okay, you figured me out.
Bravo, Kyle, bravo.
96
00:05:12,031 --> 00:05:13,503
Don't you see
how awesome this is?
97
00:05:13,517 --> 00:05:16,272
It's like, a magic cloak that makes me
impervious to getting in trouble.
98
00:05:16,298 --> 00:05:18,292
- Who cares about saying whatever you--
- Of course, if you want to be
99
00:05:18,327 --> 00:05:20,027
Sergeant Buzzkill once again...
100
00:05:20,062 --> 00:05:22,362
and spoil my fun because you're jealous
you didn't think of it first,
101
00:05:22,369 --> 00:05:24,855
- well go right ahead, Kyle.
- Whatever.
102
00:05:26,497 --> 00:05:28,931
Good morning, Mr. Mackey.
Asspussy!
103
00:05:30,897 --> 00:05:32,873
If I could say "asspussy"
to the counselor,
104
00:05:32,908 --> 00:05:34,197
I would be so happy.
105
00:05:35,487 --> 00:05:39,654
Okay, so what do we get when
we multiply a negative number--
106
00:05:39,657 --> 00:05:40,428
Dicktits!
107
00:05:43,478 --> 00:05:46,885
When we multiply a negative number
by another negative--
108
00:05:46,920 --> 00:05:48,220
Shit! Asshole!
109
00:05:51,948 --> 00:05:52,915
Excuse me.
110
00:05:54,579 --> 00:05:58,580
If we apply what we've just learned,
we see that all negatives can--
111
00:05:58,698 --> 00:06:01,720
Spooge balls
bloody vaginal belch.
112
00:06:04,848 --> 00:06:09,931
You guys, don't laugh. It makes me
feel insecure about my illness.
113
00:06:09,978 --> 00:06:12,854
All right kids, let's just try
to focus on learning, okay?
114
00:06:13,208 --> 00:06:15,895
Now all you need to remember here
is that negative numbers--
115
00:06:15,898 --> 00:06:19,686
- Tampon! Tampon dickshit!
- Will you knock it off already?
116
00:06:20,478 --> 00:06:22,186
Kyle, don't you think
I wish I could?
117
00:06:22,337 --> 00:06:24,221
I'd give anything
to be normal like you.
118
00:06:25,028 --> 00:06:27,702
- Kike.
- Don't push me, asshole!
119
00:06:27,799 --> 00:06:29,381
Kyle, watch your language!
120
00:06:33,280 --> 00:06:36,354
If I could yell "tampon dickshit"
in the classroom, I'd be so happy.
121
00:06:39,070 --> 00:06:42,872
Principal Victoria, it's just that Eric
has become such a distraction...
122
00:06:42,880 --> 00:06:44,864
I don't think I can teach
my class anymore.
123
00:06:45,259 --> 00:06:48,255
I understand it's been difficult,
Mrs. Garrison and so...
124
00:06:48,257 --> 00:06:51,026
Mr. Donaldson has come from
the Tourette's Tolerance
125
00:06:51,061 --> 00:06:52,358
and Understanding Foundation.
126
00:06:52,668 --> 00:06:55,933
Hello, Mrs. Garrison--
Ass. Ass.
127
00:06:56,069 --> 00:06:59,635
I want to help your class better
understand this illness. Piss!
128
00:06:59,679 --> 00:07:02,374
- No! Up yours, fatboy!
- Kyle, please! I'm sorry!
129
00:07:02,567 --> 00:07:04,714
Principal Victoria,
there's something you need to know.
130
00:07:04,919 --> 00:07:07,533
Cartman's Tourette's isn't real.
He's faking!
131
00:07:08,769 --> 00:07:09,635
Faking?
132
00:07:10,740 --> 00:07:12,773
You think people
with Tourette's are faking?
133
00:07:13,597 --> 00:07:14,865
No, I'm just saying
that I think--
134
00:07:14,870 --> 00:07:18,472
Do you have any idea how horrible
that is to say? Ass! Ass!
135
00:07:18,749 --> 00:07:20,403
We aren't faking, young man.
136
00:07:20,484 --> 00:07:24,489
Trust me, nobody wants this
illness, ass. Piss! Piss!
137
00:07:24,737 --> 00:07:27,530
That's right, Kyle.
Crap-filled vagina!
138
00:07:27,889 --> 00:07:29,732
This is the kind of
intolerance you teach
139
00:07:29,767 --> 00:07:31,128
at this school,
Principal Victoria?
140
00:07:31,307 --> 00:07:32,202
No.
141
00:07:32,220 --> 00:07:33,312
Then if you wouldn't mind,
142
00:07:33,347 --> 00:07:36,535
I'd like to take this bully to see
that Tourette's is very real.
143
00:07:36,828 --> 00:07:37,940
Piss.
144
00:07:40,910 --> 00:07:45,076
Kids, today during therapy class,
we have a special visitor. Ass.
145
00:07:45,949 --> 00:07:50,334
I wanted him to meet all of you so
he could try to understand Tourette's.
146
00:07:50,787 --> 00:07:52,615
Tourette's is like
a cough or a sneeze.
147
00:07:53,057 --> 00:07:54,979
It isn't contagious
like some people think.
148
00:07:56,230 --> 00:07:59,105
A lot of people with Tourette's have
different tics. My tic...
149
00:08:00,420 --> 00:08:02,568
is that I have to bend my neck
and snap my fingers.
150
00:08:02,598 --> 00:08:04,032
But a lot of people
don't even notice it.
151
00:08:05,987 --> 00:08:07,575
Aw, shit! Cock!
152
00:08:08,179 --> 00:08:10,797
Sometimes it can be embarrassing
to have Tourette's, but I...
153
00:08:11,769 --> 00:08:13,515
I've learned I shouldn't be
mad at myself.
154
00:08:14,110 --> 00:08:17,030
You see? These kids can't
control their actions.
155
00:08:17,065 --> 00:08:19,109
Ass!
Piss in the ass!
156
00:08:19,948 --> 00:08:21,410
Look, I was just
suggesting that
157
00:08:21,445 --> 00:08:23,527
maybe this one person could
control what he said,
158
00:08:23,580 --> 00:08:25,690
but just didn't,
for fun.
159
00:08:26,679 --> 00:08:29,362
Fun? This really isn't
all that fun.
160
00:08:30,339 --> 00:08:31,446
Aw, shit!
161
00:08:34,069 --> 00:08:36,552
Piss, coming from
my ass!
162
00:08:38,120 --> 00:08:39,444
You wanna know
about fun?
163
00:08:39,479 --> 00:08:42,164
Going to public places knowing
you're going to make a fool of yourself.
164
00:08:42,468 --> 00:08:44,591
Embarrass your parents.
Aw, shit!
165
00:08:45,210 --> 00:08:47,576
My dad finally
couldn't take it anymore.
166
00:08:47,709 --> 00:08:50,316
He divorced my mom,
said he'd still be around,
167
00:08:50,777 --> 00:08:52,513
but I only see him
at Christmas time now.
168
00:08:52,997 --> 00:08:54,481
Shit! Shit!
169
00:08:54,810 --> 00:08:57,320
The worst part is I know
how lonely my mom is.
170
00:08:57,649 --> 00:09:00,029
A lot of times I know
she'd be better off if I was dead.
171
00:09:01,919 --> 00:09:02,729
Dude...
172
00:09:02,958 --> 00:09:05,711
Your mom would not be better off
if you were dead, Thomas.
173
00:09:06,017 --> 00:09:08,259
Even if people like Kyle
here think so.
174
00:09:08,294 --> 00:09:09,485
Aw, come on!
175
00:09:09,905 --> 00:09:12,583
So then you apologize
for what you said before?
176
00:09:12,618 --> 00:09:13,756
I was just trying to...
177
00:09:15,662 --> 00:09:17,296
Just in one instance...
178
00:09:20,310 --> 00:09:23,607
No. No, I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
179
00:09:26,921 --> 00:09:29,952
Well, Mr. and Ms. Broflovski,
I think your son has learned a lot
180
00:09:29,958 --> 00:09:31,971
and he appears to be
honestly remorseful
181
00:09:31,972 --> 00:09:33,984
for making fun of
people with disabilities.
182
00:09:33,989 --> 00:09:35,605
Piss. Piss!
183
00:09:36,047 --> 00:09:37,422
Our son is a good kid.
184
00:09:37,521 --> 00:09:40,216
He just didn't understand
Tourette's was a real disease.
185
00:09:40,420 --> 00:09:41,965
Well, I think the only thing
left now
186
00:09:42,016 --> 00:09:44,636
is for your son to apologize
to his little classmate.
187
00:09:49,159 --> 00:09:50,267
Well, Kyle?
188
00:09:52,028 --> 00:09:52,895
I'm sorry.
189
00:09:53,879 --> 00:09:56,447
Oh, what was that?
I couldn't quite make that out, Kyle.
190
00:09:57,129 --> 00:09:59,884
- I'm sorry.
- You're starry?
191
00:10:00,240 --> 00:10:01,574
I don't get what you mean
by that, Kyle.
192
00:10:01,609 --> 00:10:02,476
You're starry because I...
193
00:10:02,488 --> 00:10:03,951
I said I'm sorry,
you piece of...
194
00:10:04,360 --> 00:10:06,831
Oh, no, don't worry about it, Kyle.
Now I understand.
195
00:10:06,878 --> 00:10:10,101
I've learned to deal with intolerance.
Dumbshit douchebag!
196
00:10:10,247 --> 00:10:12,414
And it means a lot that
you're standing here apologizing
197
00:10:12,449 --> 00:10:13,628
with your dad
and lovely mother.
198
00:10:13,759 --> 00:10:15,786
Fat Jew!
Jew bitch!
199
00:10:16,338 --> 00:10:20,482
- Oh, thank you, Eric.
- Thank you. Big-nosed kike!
200
00:10:21,250 --> 00:10:23,479
Well I thnk we can all
put this behind us now.
201
00:10:23,514 --> 00:10:25,128
Piss out my ass!
202
00:10:25,358 --> 00:10:29,443
Yeah. Piss out your ass right onto
Kyle's mom's fat fucking Jew face!
203
00:10:30,590 --> 00:10:33,139
Oh goodness, excuse me.
Jeez, that was a bad one.
204
00:10:33,907 --> 00:10:36,550
Well, gotta run, everybody.
Got some big things in the works.
205
00:10:37,797 --> 00:10:39,671
Isn't having
Tourette's awesome?
206
00:10:44,157 --> 00:10:48,026
Next week on Dateline NBC:
It's a Dateline special report.
207
00:10:48,626 --> 00:10:50,004
I'm Chris Hansen.
208
00:10:50,039 --> 00:10:52,182
You probably know me from
To Catch A Predator,
209
00:10:52,186 --> 00:10:54,450
where we bust men
looking for sex with children.
210
00:10:54,707 --> 00:10:56,647
Go ahead and take a seat.
Take a seat right over there.
211
00:10:56,824 --> 00:10:58,675
Oh, God. Oh, no.
212
00:10:59,426 --> 00:11:02,801
- What are you doin' here?
- I'm just bein' stupid, I guess.
213
00:11:03,066 --> 00:11:07,236
But now we're switching our focus
from pedophiles to Tourette's syndrome.
214
00:11:07,575 --> 00:11:10,064
It all started when I received
this touchng letter
215
00:11:10,099 --> 00:11:12,053
from a brave little boy
in Colorado.
216
00:11:12,537 --> 00:11:14,554
Dear Mr. Hansen,
I have Tourettes
217
00:11:14,589 --> 00:11:16,549
and I want the world
to understand what it's like.
218
00:11:16,814 --> 00:11:18,742
Won't you do
a special report on me...
219
00:11:18,746 --> 00:11:21,395
so that the world can learn
to accept us instead of laugh?
220
00:11:21,937 --> 00:11:22,872
Donkey boner!
221
00:11:23,054 --> 00:11:26,376
This Saturday on Dateline,
I'll be bringing you Eric's story,
222
00:11:26,384 --> 00:11:29,503
live and uncensored,
from his home in Colorado.
223
00:11:29,597 --> 00:11:31,995
Livingn with Tourette's:
The Eric Cartman Story.
224
00:11:32,030 --> 00:11:34,293
This Saturday
on Dateline NBC.
225
00:11:34,634 --> 00:11:37,995
Finally, my wish of going public
with my illness can come true.
226
00:11:38,194 --> 00:11:40,935
Goddamn Jews!
Suck my ass barf!
227
00:11:53,136 --> 00:11:54,694
Hello, Kyle.
Dickhead!
228
00:11:55,576 --> 00:11:57,835
What's this about you going
on live television on Saturday?
229
00:11:58,025 --> 00:12:02,426
Yes. It's all finally come to fruition.
The final cog in my master plan.
230
00:12:03,677 --> 00:12:06,048
This Saturday, I will go on
national television, live.
231
00:12:06,354 --> 00:12:08,849
I will say horrible things
on the air.
232
00:12:09,064 --> 00:12:11,749
Disspeakable things.
And people will call me brave.
233
00:12:12,325 --> 00:12:14,961
Cartman, there are people in the world
who really have Tourette's Syndrome.
234
00:12:15,027 --> 00:12:15,920
This isn't funny!
235
00:12:17,325 --> 00:12:20,439
Not funny? I have free rein
to say anything I want
236
00:12:20,447 --> 00:12:24,198
and you get into trouble if you try
and stop me. Care for a Scotch?
237
00:12:25,504 --> 00:12:26,306
Scotch?
238
00:12:26,482 --> 00:12:28,832
Kyle, I've won.
No matter how you look at it.
239
00:12:28,944 --> 00:12:31,409
I've managed not only to get away with
saying whatever I want at school
240
00:12:31,416 --> 00:12:32,531
on the bus,
at the dinner table.
241
00:12:32,677 --> 00:12:36,524
But this Saturday, I will actually say
anything I want on national television.
242
00:12:36,875 --> 00:12:38,357
I'm going
to blast the Jews, Kyle.
243
00:12:38,674 --> 00:12:40,516
I'm going to call them
every name in the book
244
00:12:40,551 --> 00:12:42,237
and people wlll call it
brilliant television.
245
00:12:42,575 --> 00:12:43,880
They'll probably give me
an Emmy.
246
00:12:44,286 --> 00:12:46,091
You are not going to go
on national television
247
00:12:46,094 --> 00:12:48,005
and spew a bunch of hate speech
about Jewish people.
248
00:12:48,040 --> 00:12:49,379
I won't let you do it,
Cartman.
249
00:12:50,664 --> 00:12:51,959
Then the game is on, Kyle.
250
00:12:52,456 --> 00:12:55,897
It's not a game, you derelict.
And this isn't Scotch! It's apple juice.
251
00:12:59,795 --> 00:13:01,797
Do you have any idea
how liberating it is
252
00:13:01,832 --> 00:13:03,181
to say whatever comes
to mind?
253
00:13:03,527 --> 00:13:07,099
Big titties! Buttmumch!
There's no walls anymore. Shit!
254
00:13:07,347 --> 00:13:10,433
Whatever enters my brain, I can
just say it without thinking about it.
255
00:13:10,734 --> 00:13:11,990
I wet my bed last night.
256
00:13:14,304 --> 00:13:17,530
- What did you say?
- Nothing...
257
00:13:17,767 --> 00:13:19,805
You aren't gonna get away with this,
you stupid asshole!
258
00:13:22,546 --> 00:13:23,709
That was weird.
259
00:13:28,374 --> 00:13:32,148
We are here today to congratulate
a brave little boy.
260
00:13:32,284 --> 00:13:35,198
Tonight, Eric Cartman
will go on television
261
00:13:35,355 --> 00:13:37,757
and become the spokesman
for Tourette's Syndrome.
262
00:13:38,165 --> 00:13:39,525
Piss out my ass!
263
00:13:41,405 --> 00:13:42,631
The spokesman for Tourette's?
264
00:13:42,666 --> 00:13:44,354
Oh no. Cock!
265
00:13:45,246 --> 00:13:47,354
Thanks, everybody.
Suck my balls!
266
00:13:49,755 --> 00:13:52,370
You've all been so understanding
and supportive of my illness.
267
00:13:52,604 --> 00:13:55,582
Jews bomber, dick sneeze.
And it is because of you...
268
00:13:55,937 --> 00:13:58,251
that I have the courage to go
on national television tonight.
269
00:13:58,772 --> 00:13:59,674
Titty sprinkles.
270
00:14:02,076 --> 00:14:04,191
If I could say "titty sprinkles"
on national television,
271
00:14:04,226 --> 00:14:05,595
I would be so happy.
272
00:14:06,326 --> 00:14:09,189
And I also just want to say
that I'm making this all up!
273
00:14:15,214 --> 00:14:18,974
I'm making this all up to you,
for putting up with my mental disorder.
274
00:14:19,156 --> 00:14:20,851
I cry at night because
I don't have a dad.
275
00:14:22,964 --> 00:14:24,114
What the hell is going on?
276
00:14:24,617 --> 00:14:27,468
It's okay, Eric.
We understand your illness, m'kay?
277
00:14:28,665 --> 00:14:31,020
What I meant to say was
asslicker cumballs.
278
00:14:31,219 --> 00:14:33,611
And I'm secretly in love
with Patty Nelson.
279
00:14:33,807 --> 00:14:35,629
I fantasize about
kissing Patty Nelson!
280
00:14:39,615 --> 00:14:42,493
Excuse me, I need a toilet!
Bathroom! Bathroom!
281
00:14:48,306 --> 00:14:49,216
Hey, Eric!
282
00:14:51,245 --> 00:14:52,869
Butters, do you think
it's possible
283
00:14:52,904 --> 00:14:54,836
that you can lose your ability
to filter what you say?
284
00:14:56,156 --> 00:14:59,712
I mean, if somebody got used
to saying whatever came to their mind.
285
00:15:00,084 --> 00:15:02,288
Could they start saying things that
they would normally never say?
286
00:15:02,716 --> 00:15:05,339
- Who are you talking about?
- My cousin.
287
00:15:05,625 --> 00:15:08,451
My cousin one time, my cousin
and I touched wieners.
288
00:15:12,214 --> 00:15:14,745
You... you and your cousin
touched wieners?
289
00:15:15,976 --> 00:15:17,698
I didn't say that--
Yes I did, but why?
290
00:15:17,699 --> 00:15:18,589
Oh! Stop it!
291
00:15:20,054 --> 00:15:22,342
Excuse me! Excuse me,
I need to go! I gotta run!
292
00:15:22,697 --> 00:15:23,940
Is there a problem, sweetie?
293
00:15:24,821 --> 00:15:25,754
No, no problem.
294
00:15:25,906 --> 00:15:27,713
I just need to-- My cousin
and I touched each other's...
295
00:15:31,074 --> 00:15:33,888
I just want to thank
everyone for coming--
296
00:15:33,923 --> 00:15:35,662
My cousin
and I touched wiener...
297
00:15:35,674 --> 00:15:39,053
We--wiener, we--weenter!
Winter is a cold time of year.
298
00:15:39,834 --> 00:15:41,050
Ah, I need
to be going now.
299
00:15:41,375 --> 00:15:44,055
Well, all right, Eric.
Well good luck on Dateline tonight.
300
00:15:45,164 --> 00:15:47,941
Dateline. Right.
I wet my ba--
301
00:15:48,234 --> 00:15:51,522
I touched my cousin's wee...
This sure has been fun! Goodbye!
302
00:15:57,027 --> 00:16:00,063
Tonight, an inside look
at Tourette's Syndrome.
303
00:16:00,267 --> 00:16:01,890
I'm Chris Hansen.
304
00:16:03,265 --> 00:16:05,214
I'm Chris Hansen.
305
00:16:05,504 --> 00:16:08,414
Uh, Mr. Hansen? I'm afraid
I can't do the show.
306
00:16:09,187 --> 00:16:11,936
- Why not?
- My grandma just died.
307
00:16:12,045 --> 00:16:14,676
So I have to go to Memphis.
That's not true. My grandma's fine.
308
00:16:16,946 --> 00:16:19,514
- Why don't you have a seat?
- No, I just need to get home.
309
00:16:19,567 --> 00:16:21,711
- I'm not doin' the show.
- Go ahead and take a seat.
310
00:16:21,995 --> 00:16:23,996
- But I'm not gonna do the--
- Take a seat, right over there.
311
00:16:28,267 --> 00:16:29,224
What are you doing here?
312
00:16:30,767 --> 00:16:32,709
I'm telling you that
I'm not doing the show?
313
00:16:32,744 --> 00:16:33,904
But you are doing
the show.
314
00:16:34,267 --> 00:16:37,315
You don't understand. All of a sudden,
I can't control what I say.
315
00:16:37,554 --> 00:16:40,242
Well of course you can't control
what you say. You have Tourette's.
316
00:16:40,547 --> 00:16:41,921
No! My Tourette's
has gotten worse!
317
00:16:41,967 --> 00:16:45,002
Before I just blurted out cool stuff
about Jews being lame and stuff.
318
00:16:45,116 --> 00:16:46,305
But now it's gotten
really bad.
319
00:16:46,340 --> 00:16:48,973
So I'm sorry, but I'm not
doing the show and that's it.
320
00:16:49,094 --> 00:16:49,718
Goodbye.
321
00:16:50,504 --> 00:16:52,841
- Why don't you take a seat?
- No, I don't wanna take a seat.
322
00:16:52,845 --> 00:16:54,396
- Have a seat.
- No, I'm just gonna go--
323
00:16:54,431 --> 00:16:55,471
Take a seat,
right over there.
324
00:16:58,157 --> 00:16:59,064
How does he do that?
325
00:16:59,856 --> 00:17:02,857
You know, one time, I was doing
a show called 'To Catch A Predator.'
326
00:17:02,954 --> 00:17:04,390
We almost caught
this pedophile,
327
00:17:04,425 --> 00:17:06,930
but then he ran from us because
he didn't wanna be on Dateline.
328
00:17:07,255 --> 00:17:10,737
Se we tracked him down to his house.
And you know what he did?
329
00:17:11,577 --> 00:17:12,833
He shot himself.
330
00:17:14,355 --> 00:17:17,189
It'd be a shame if you didn't
wanna go on Dateline.
331
00:17:17,776 --> 00:17:22,180
Be a shame if we had to track you down
and you "shot yourself."
332
00:17:24,387 --> 00:17:25,464
I just peed my pants.
333
00:17:29,991 --> 00:17:32,931
Live, from our satellite
studio in Colorado.
334
00:17:32,966 --> 00:17:34,200
This is Dateline.
335
00:17:35,466 --> 00:17:38,218
Tonight, an inside look at
Tourette's Syndrome.
336
00:17:38,253 --> 00:17:42,904
I'm Chris Hansen.
337
00:17:42,939 --> 00:17:46,007
In a few minutes,
you will meet little Eric Cartman.
338
00:17:46,042 --> 00:17:48,386
Who wants the world
to understand his affliction.
339
00:17:50,122 --> 00:17:51,496
Five minutes, kid.
340
00:17:51,564 --> 00:17:54,144
Jesus Christ. How did
I get myself into this?
341
00:17:55,638 --> 00:17:58,957
God? Please,
I know I screwed up.
342
00:17:59,418 --> 00:18:01,600
I should have never pretended
to have Tourette's Syndrome,
343
00:18:01,601 --> 00:18:03,384
but see, I get it now.
344
00:18:03,818 --> 00:18:05,997
You can't just walk around saying
whatever you want.
345
00:18:06,176 --> 00:18:09,117
You gave us a filter because,
people don't wanna hear things like...
346
00:18:09,516 --> 00:18:11,033
I touched penises
with my cousin!
347
00:18:12,526 --> 00:18:14,676
And I learned,
you especially can't say
348
00:18:14,711 --> 00:18:16,163
whatever you want on
national televison...
349
00:18:16,478 --> 00:18:17,968
because there could be
kids watching.
350
00:18:18,566 --> 00:18:21,459
Please, God, don't make me embarrass
myself on national television.
351
00:18:22,037 --> 00:18:25,103
You must see how this is all
somewhat your fault, right?
352
00:18:25,698 --> 00:18:27,911
Please,
I need a miracle.
353
00:18:33,447 --> 00:18:35,703
Tango, this is Foxtrot.
Are you in position?
354
00:18:37,499 --> 00:18:40,269
Copy Foxtrot.
Tango in position. Aw, shit!
355
00:18:40,976 --> 00:18:42,186
You sure you don't
wanna back out?
356
00:18:42,929 --> 00:18:44,737
No, you were right.
The fat kid is faking it!
357
00:18:44,916 --> 00:18:46,374
If he goes on TV,
more people will think
358
00:18:46,375 --> 00:18:48,894
that having Tourette's is fun.
Asshole shit!
359
00:18:48,928 --> 00:18:51,623
All right, then we go with the plan.
Just like 'To Catch A Predator.'
360
00:18:52,499 --> 00:18:55,476
The first guy is here.
This is probably HotForBoys219.
361
00:18:59,078 --> 00:19:01,371
Hi, are you CuteBilly182?
362
00:19:01,825 --> 00:19:04,004
Yeah. I was chatting
with you online. Shit!
363
00:19:04,599 --> 00:19:07,918
Oh God, I'm so turned on right now.
This is your house?
364
00:19:07,953 --> 00:19:09,333
Your, your parents
aren't home, are they?
365
00:19:09,427 --> 00:19:13,238
No, it's cool. Go on inside.
I made brownies. Shit!
366
00:19:13,747 --> 00:19:16,639
I'm just gonna slip into something
more comfortable. Cock!
367
00:19:16,686 --> 00:19:19,780
Okay. Cock!
Don't take too long.
368
00:19:22,228 --> 00:19:26,291
So now let's meet a child
who has Tourette's Syndrome,
369
00:19:26,326 --> 00:19:27,704
and who must fi--
370
00:19:30,088 --> 00:19:33,824
- Wait a minute. This ain't no house.
- What are you doing?
371
00:19:35,327 --> 00:19:38,964
Chris Hansen?
Oh no, it's a setup. I knew it!
372
00:19:38,967 --> 00:19:40,567
Sir, why don't you take a seat,
right over there?
373
00:19:40,669 --> 00:19:42,679
Now everyone's gonna know
I'm a perv!
374
00:19:47,569 --> 00:19:49,142
Aw, not again.
375
00:19:52,389 --> 00:19:54,580
- Kyle?
- Surprise, fatass!
376
00:19:54,698 --> 00:19:57,254
- Kyle, what are you doing?
- I went online posing as a boy
377
00:19:57,256 --> 00:19:58,326
who would have sex
with older men
378
00:19:58,361 --> 00:20:00,986
and told them to meet me here.
My plan worked perfectly.
379
00:20:11,077 --> 00:20:12,929
Hey, I brought you
some Wendy's.
380
00:20:13,480 --> 00:20:14,954
Yeah, go on in. There's
a hot tub inside.
381
00:20:14,966 --> 00:20:17,867
- Stupid shit!
- Score!
382
00:20:19,526 --> 00:20:21,629
Oh no,
it's Chris Hansen!
383
00:20:23,888 --> 00:20:26,898
- Who is that? What's going on?
- What the hell is going on?
384
00:20:27,786 --> 00:20:30,120
Wait a minute.
Oh God, it's Chris Hansen!
385
00:20:31,629 --> 00:20:34,368
- Chris Hansen!
- Dateline?
386
00:20:34,916 --> 00:20:39,012
- I knew it!
- There aren't really brownies!
387
00:20:43,478 --> 00:20:47,238
Hey! Do you have something to do
with this? Answer me!
388
00:20:47,276 --> 00:20:49,337
Stupid shit! Cock!
389
00:20:49,766 --> 00:20:53,383
What? Nobody talks to me like that!
Why don't you take a seat?
390
00:20:53,389 --> 00:20:57,066
- Take a seat, right over there.
- Suck it! Asshole licker dickfart!
391
00:20:58,047 --> 00:20:59,547
I'll-- I'll tell on you!
392
00:21:01,988 --> 00:21:04,137
Wow, you're the coolest kid
in the world.
393
00:21:04,219 --> 00:21:06,976
If I could call Chris Hansen an
asshole-licking dickfart to his face,
394
00:21:07,011 --> 00:21:08,381
I would be so happy.
395
00:21:08,707 --> 00:21:10,239
- You would?
- Could I just like...
396
00:21:10,598 --> 00:21:13,319
hang out with you sometime?
Like, do your laundry maybe?
397
00:21:16,346 --> 00:21:18,619
Take a look, fatass!
I beat you!
398
00:21:18,667 --> 00:21:20,918
You aren't going on Dateline.
What do you have to say now?
399
00:21:23,469 --> 00:21:25,688
Oh, thank you!
Thank you, Kyle!
400
00:21:26,466 --> 00:21:27,194
What?
401
00:21:27,229 --> 00:21:28,900
I asked God to send
someone to help me.
402
00:21:28,935 --> 00:21:31,067
And you came, Kyle!
I love you, man!
403
00:21:31,366 --> 00:21:34,360
- No, I beat you!
- You totally saved my ass, Kyle.
404
00:21:34,616 --> 00:21:37,561
You must really care about me.
See you, Kyle!
405
00:21:37,586 --> 00:21:39,705
I gotta get to a psychiatrist
and learn to control what I say!
406
00:21:40,168 --> 00:21:43,135
I got a golden ticket!
Thanks to Kyle!
407
00:21:43,136 --> 00:21:45,715
I got a golden twinkle
in my eye!
408
00:21:49,368 --> 00:21:50,681
- Aw, shit.
- Aw, shit!