1
00:00:09,000 --> 00:00:10,600
* i'm going down
to south park *
2
00:00:10,500 --> 00:00:11,900
* gonna have
myself a time *
3
00:00:12,000 --> 00:00:13,300
* friendly faces
everywhere *
4
00:00:13,400 --> 00:00:15,400
* humble folks
without temptation *
5
00:00:15,400 --> 00:00:16,600
* going down
to south park *
6
00:00:16,700 --> 00:00:18,200
* gonna leave my
woes behind *
7
00:00:18,200 --> 00:00:19,600
* ample parking
day or night *
8
00:00:19,700 --> 00:00:22,100
* people spouting
"howdy neighbor" *
9
00:00:22,100 --> 00:00:23,700
* headin' on up
to south park *
10
00:00:23,800 --> 00:00:25,300
* gonna see
if i can't unwind *
11
00:00:25,300 --> 00:00:28,700
* tim-Tmah tim-Mah,
tim-Mah tim-Mah timmy tim-Mah *
12
00:00:28,700 --> 00:00:30,900
* so come on down
to south park *
13
00:00:30,900 --> 00:00:33,000
* and meet some
friends of mine *
14
00:00:35,100 --> 00:00:37,000
Parents, it's that
time of year again
15
00:00:36,900 --> 00:00:39,200
When the bishops and priests
from around the country
16
00:00:39,200 --> 00:00:41,400
Are organizing the
young men's catholic retreat.
17
00:00:41,400 --> 00:00:44,600
This year, we're taking the boys
on a weekend boat trip,
18
00:00:44,700 --> 00:00:47,900
To discuss jesus' role as the
navigator of our lives.
19
00:00:47,900 --> 00:00:50,200
That sounds
pretty fun!
20
00:00:50,200 --> 00:00:52,500
A catholic boat trip?
21
00:00:57,800 --> 00:01:00,900
* the catholic boat... *
22
00:01:00,900 --> 00:01:05,500
* is gonna be
heading on out today *
23
00:01:05,500 --> 00:01:08,700
* the catholic boat...
24
00:01:08,800 --> 00:01:13,500
* time to throw
all of your cares away *
25
00:01:13,600 --> 00:01:15,700
* get some hot
christian action *
26
00:01:15,700 --> 00:01:16,400
* that'll take you- *
27
00:01:16,400 --> 00:01:17,900
Aghhhh!
28
00:01:18,000 --> 00:01:19,400
Aghhh!
29
00:01:22,500 --> 00:01:25,700
Excuse me...
30
00:01:27,800 --> 00:01:29,200
Look, i just don't think
it's the best idea
31
00:01:29,300 --> 00:01:31,600
To let our boys go
on a cruise with the priest!
32
00:01:31,600 --> 00:01:34,200
We can't
let them go, can we?
33
00:01:34,200 --> 00:01:36,000
There's no way
my son's going.
34
00:01:36,000 --> 00:01:37,800
What are they
talking about?
35
00:01:37,800 --> 00:01:38,600
I don't know.
36
00:01:38,600 --> 00:01:40,000
Maybe they want
to kill us!
37
00:01:40,100 --> 00:01:41,400
With everything that's
been in the news,
38
00:01:41,500 --> 00:01:43,700
I think it's best we keep our
kids far away from the priest.
39
00:01:43,800 --> 00:01:45,200
Now come on,
everybody
40
00:01:45,300 --> 00:01:47,200
Just because a few priests in
the country have been corrupt
41
00:01:47,200 --> 00:01:49,100
It doesn't that all priests
are child molesters.
42
00:01:49,200 --> 00:01:51,500
Well sure, that's
easy for you to say,
43
00:01:51,400 --> 00:01:52,500
Your son's dead.
44
00:01:52,600 --> 00:01:53,800
But those of us
with alive children
45
00:01:53,900 --> 00:01:56,300
Need to be sure that father
maxi is on the up and up.
46
00:01:56,300 --> 00:01:58,700
I've heard about other towns
bringing in counselors
47
00:01:58,700 --> 00:02:00,600
That know how to
find things out from kids
48
00:02:00,700 --> 00:02:02,600
Without really telling them
what's going on.
49
00:02:02,600 --> 00:02:03,600
It couldn't hurt.
50
00:02:03,700 --> 00:02:05,100
Shhh-Shhh,
here he comes!
51
00:02:09,400 --> 00:02:12,200
Uh... goodbye,
everyone.
52
00:02:12,300 --> 00:02:14,900
'Night!'Night!
'Night, father.
53
00:02:16,300 --> 00:02:17,900
Alright then, it's settled.
54
00:02:18,000 --> 00:02:19,900
Tomorrow we'll find
an outside counselor and...
55
00:02:19,900 --> 00:02:21,200
Find out the truth.
56
00:02:23,000 --> 00:02:25,200
Hi, boys, my name
is mrs. Garache
57
00:02:25,200 --> 00:02:27,400
And i need to ask you
a few questions
58
00:02:27,400 --> 00:02:28,800
About your priest, okay?
59
00:02:28,800 --> 00:02:30,100
Okay.Okay.
Alright.
60
00:02:30,200 --> 00:02:34,800
Okay... would you say that
father maxi is nice or mean?
61
00:02:34,800 --> 00:02:36,200
Nice.Cool.
He's fine.
62
00:02:36,300 --> 00:02:42,000
Okay, what words would you use
describe your church's priest?
63
00:02:42,000 --> 00:02:43,400
Compassionate.
64
00:02:43,400 --> 00:02:47,300
Okay... and did father maxi,
at any time,
65
00:02:47,300 --> 00:02:51,100
Ever try to put
something in your butt?
66
00:02:54,000 --> 00:02:55,600
In-In our butt?
67
00:02:55,700 --> 00:02:58,700
You don't need to be ashamed
or embarrassed, just-
68
00:02:58,700 --> 00:03:01,600
Did he ever try to
put anything in your butt?
69
00:03:03,400 --> 00:03:04,200
Like money, what?
70
00:03:04,300 --> 00:03:06,300
You mean like
a goldfish?
71
00:03:06,300 --> 00:03:08,700
No, no... did he ever
try to put anything
72
00:03:08,700 --> 00:03:11,100
That belonged to him
in your butt?
73
00:03:11,200 --> 00:03:13,900
No.No.
No...
74
00:03:14,000 --> 00:03:14,800
This is ridiculous.
75
00:03:14,900 --> 00:03:17,400
Having to sit out
here waiting to find out
76
00:03:17,400 --> 00:03:19,300
If our priest
molested our kids!
77
00:03:19,400 --> 00:03:20,800
Yeah, what has catholicism
come to, anyway?
78
00:03:20,900 --> 00:03:24,300
You know, i think we've
just had it with the church.
79
00:03:24,300 --> 00:03:26,300
All the horrible things
they've done to kids.
80
00:03:26,300 --> 00:03:28,300
I think i'm going to
become an atheist!
81
00:03:28,400 --> 00:03:29,500
That's a good idea!
82
00:03:29,500 --> 00:03:30,700
I'm going to be
an atheist too!
83
00:03:30,700 --> 00:03:31,900
Let's all be atheists!
84
00:03:31,900 --> 00:03:33,100
Yeah!Yeah!
Yeah!
85
00:03:33,200 --> 00:03:34,300
If there was a god,
86
00:03:34,400 --> 00:03:36,800
Why would he let our kids be
molested in the first place?
87
00:03:36,900 --> 00:03:38,900
Yeah, let's
kill god, yeah!
88
00:03:38,900 --> 00:03:40,900
Well, let's
just be atheists.
89
00:03:40,900 --> 00:03:42,900
Same thing.
90
00:03:43,000 --> 00:03:45,700
Alright!
Yeah!Woo-Hoo!
91
00:03:50,800 --> 00:03:52,200
What would the priest...
92
00:03:52,200 --> 00:03:54,000
Possibly want to
put in our butts?
93
00:03:54,000 --> 00:03:56,500
Maybe- No...
94
00:03:56,400 --> 00:03:58,100
Hey, dudes.
95
00:03:58,100 --> 00:03:59,700
Hey.
Hey.Agh!
96
00:03:59,800 --> 00:04:01,900
What are you
guys doing?
97
00:04:02,000 --> 00:04:03,300
We had to go meet
with this counselor lady,
98
00:04:03,400 --> 00:04:04,700
And she asked us if the priest
ever put anything in our butts.
99
00:04:04,800 --> 00:04:07,100
In your butts?
100
00:04:07,200 --> 00:04:08,700
Yeah, isn't that
the damnedest thing?
101
00:04:08,700 --> 00:04:10,200
Why would he put
anything in your butts?
102
00:04:10,200 --> 00:04:11,800
We don't know, that's what
we're trying to figure out.
103
00:04:11,800 --> 00:04:14,100
Hmm...
hmm...
104
00:04:14,100 --> 00:04:17,500
Hello there, children!
105
00:04:17,500 --> 00:04:18,400
Chef!
106
00:04:18,500 --> 00:04:20,900
What would a priest
want to stick up my butt?
107
00:04:20,800 --> 00:04:22,500
Goodbye!
108
00:04:23,900 --> 00:04:25,300
Ugh, nobody's
going to tell us!
109
00:04:25,300 --> 00:04:26,600
This is going to
drive me insane!
110
00:04:26,600 --> 00:04:28,600
Calm down, tweek, there has to
be a rational explanation.
111
00:04:28,600 --> 00:04:31,000
Oh, dude, i think i might have it. What?
112
00:04:31,100 --> 00:04:33,600
It makes perfect sense...
okay, run with me on this:
113
00:04:33,700 --> 00:04:36,200
If you eat food, you crap out
your butt, right?
114
00:04:36,200 --> 00:04:37,500
Yeah...
115
00:04:37,500 --> 00:04:39,300
Alright, now keep with me here,
it gets a little complicated...
116
00:04:39,300 --> 00:04:41,700
If you eat food and
crap out your butt,
117
00:04:41,700 --> 00:04:44,100
Then maybe if you
stuck food in your butt
118
00:04:44,000 --> 00:04:46,800
You could crap
out your mouth.
119
00:04:46,800 --> 00:04:49,200
Hmm?
120
00:04:49,300 --> 00:04:51,500
Cartman, that's the dumbest
thing you've ever said!
121
00:04:51,600 --> 00:04:52,200
This week.
122
00:04:52,300 --> 00:04:53,400
That's not dumb
think about it!
123
00:04:53,500 --> 00:04:55,200
Food goes in the mouth,
comes out the butt
124
00:04:55,200 --> 00:04:56,900
Food goes in the butt,
comes out the mouth.
125
00:04:56,900 --> 00:04:58,400
That's not dumb,
that's genius.
126
00:04:58,500 --> 00:04:59,100
It wouldn't work!
127
00:04:59,200 --> 00:05:00,100
Have you ever tried it?
128
00:05:00,100 --> 00:05:01,400
I don't need to,
it wouldn't work!
129
00:05:01,400 --> 00:05:02,700
I'll bet you 20 bucks
it'll work!
130
00:05:02,700 --> 00:05:03,700
You're on,
fat boy!
131
00:05:03,700 --> 00:05:04,700
Okay, let's go, jew!
132
00:05:05,400 --> 00:05:08,000
Down with god!
133
00:05:08,100 --> 00:05:09,500
Stan, you're
an atheist now!
134
00:05:09,500 --> 00:05:10,700
You too, tweek!
135
00:05:10,700 --> 00:05:12,200
Down with god!
136
00:05:12,300 --> 00:05:13,700
I'm a what?
137
00:05:13,700 --> 00:05:16,700
Fathers, i want to
thank you all for coming.
138
00:05:16,700 --> 00:05:18,100
No, thank you
for finally organizing
139
00:05:18,200 --> 00:05:19,600
An all-Priest meeting,
father maxi.
140
00:05:19,600 --> 00:05:21,600
I think
we all agree
141
00:05:21,700 --> 00:05:22,600
Something has
to be done quickly.
142
00:05:22,600 --> 00:05:25,000
Uh-Huh.
That's right!
143
00:05:25,100 --> 00:05:26,400
I don't know how
it has been for all of you,
144
00:05:26,500 --> 00:05:29,600
But attendance at my church
in fort rollins is down 63%.
145
00:05:29,700 --> 00:05:31,800
I'm down almost
70 in greenleaf.
146
00:05:31,900 --> 00:05:33,300
Yes, i'm afraid if things
keep going the way they are,
147
00:05:33,300 --> 00:05:36,000
We could lose
our entire religion!
148
00:05:36,000 --> 00:05:38,800
Yes, we've got to stop these
boys from going to the public!
149
00:05:38,800 --> 00:05:40,600
They've got to know
to keep their mouths shut.
150
00:05:40,600 --> 00:05:42,000
Yup!Uh-Huh!
Right!
151
00:05:42,000 --> 00:05:44,200
Right, and so-
Wait a minute, what?
152
00:05:44,300 --> 00:05:46,500
Yes, but we've got to
find out why these children
153
00:05:46,600 --> 00:05:47,500
Are suddenly finding
it necessary to report
154
00:05:47,500 --> 00:05:49,500
That they're
being molested.
155
00:05:49,500 --> 00:05:51,400
Stop the problem
at its source.
156
00:05:51,400 --> 00:05:52,500
Yes, but how?
157
00:05:52,600 --> 00:05:55,200
Whoa, whoa-
Hold on a second.
158
00:05:55,300 --> 00:05:57,700
The problem is that
children are being molested,
159
00:05:57,800 --> 00:05:59,400
Not that they're
reporting it.
160
00:06:03,000 --> 00:06:04,300
How do you mean?
161
00:06:04,400 --> 00:06:06,900
Well, i mean, obviously
what we need to put a stop to
162
00:06:06,900 --> 00:06:08,600
Is all the
sexual misconduct
163
00:06:08,600 --> 00:06:10,400
That is allowed to
take place in our churches.
164
00:06:10,400 --> 00:06:13,500
Not just tell the children
not to tell anybody about it.
165
00:06:13,500 --> 00:06:14,700
I mean, right?
166
00:06:14,800 --> 00:06:16,300
Did any of the children
you've molested come forward?
167
00:06:16,300 --> 00:06:18,300
No!
That's good.
168
00:06:18,400 --> 00:06:19,300
No, i mean,
i never molested
169
00:06:19,400 --> 00:06:21,600
Any of the children
in my church!
170
00:06:21,700 --> 00:06:23,300
It's okay, father maxi,
we're all priests here,
171
00:06:23,400 --> 00:06:25,300
The doors are closed.
172
00:06:25,200 --> 00:06:27,000
For the love of god!
173
00:06:27,100 --> 00:06:29,300
Are you all saying
that you have engaged in
174
00:06:29,300 --> 00:06:31,400
Inappropriate relations
with your altar boys?
175
00:06:31,500 --> 00:06:33,300
We are here to
bring the light of god,
176
00:06:33,300 --> 00:06:35,900
Not harm the innocent!
177
00:06:36,300 --> 00:06:39,100
Ha, ha!Ha, ha!
Ha, ha!
178
00:06:39,100 --> 00:06:40,300
I'm serious!
179
00:06:40,300 --> 00:06:43,400
Father...
having sex with boys
180
00:06:43,500 --> 00:06:46,100
Is part of the catholic
priest's way of life.
181
00:06:46,100 --> 00:06:48,000
Yeah.Yeah.
Yeah.
182
00:06:48,000 --> 00:06:51,600
Dear god, this problem
is much more severe
183
00:06:51,500 --> 00:06:53,600
Than i could have
possibly imagined.
184
00:06:53,600 --> 00:06:56,800
I have to go to
the vatican and get help!
185
00:06:58,900 --> 00:07:01,100
Hghnn... hghh...
186
00:07:02,100 --> 00:07:03,100
Well, cartman?
187
00:07:03,100 --> 00:07:04,000
Hold on!
188
00:07:04,100 --> 00:07:05,100
God, let a man crap!
189
00:07:05,100 --> 00:07:07,300
Hgh... hgh...
190
00:07:07,300 --> 00:07:09,400
What's going on?
191
00:07:09,400 --> 00:07:10,700
Cartman shoved
food up his ass
192
00:07:10,700 --> 00:07:11,200
And now he's trying
to crap out his mouth.
193
00:07:11,200 --> 00:07:12,100
Oh.
194
00:07:12,200 --> 00:07:15,300
Ugnh... hgnnnh...
195
00:07:15,300 --> 00:07:16,800
Well go on, smart-Ass, and do it!
196
00:07:16,800 --> 00:07:18,400
I'm doing it
a'ready!
197
00:07:18,400 --> 00:07:19,700
God, give me
a minute!
198
00:07:19,700 --> 00:07:21,000
You've had
five, dude!
199
00:07:21,000 --> 00:07:22,600
I can't do it with
you guys watching.
200
00:07:22,700 --> 00:07:23,500
Turn around.
201
00:07:23,500 --> 00:07:24,800
No, because you'll
just crap out your butt
202
00:07:24,800 --> 00:07:26,500
And then say it
came out your mouth!
203
00:07:26,600 --> 00:07:30,700
Do you really think i'd be
that deceitful, you guys?
204
00:07:31,800 --> 00:07:34,800
Oh goddammit, you guys,
i'm so seriously...
205
00:07:35,800 --> 00:07:38,500
Ugh... hgngg!
206
00:07:38,400 --> 00:07:41,100
Hwaaaaagh...
207
00:07:42,000 --> 00:07:45,900
Get the f-K
out of here!
208
00:07:45,900 --> 00:07:47,000
Yesss!
209
00:07:47,100 --> 00:07:48,100
Yes, i did it!
210
00:07:48,200 --> 00:07:50,300
I crapped out
my mouth!
211
00:07:50,300 --> 00:07:52,400
* i crapped
out my mouth *
212
00:07:52,400 --> 00:07:54,700
You owe me
20 bucks, dickface!
213
00:07:57,400 --> 00:08:00,500
There you go...
uh... gratsie.
214
00:08:00,500 --> 00:08:03,600
Wow...
i'm actually here!
215
00:08:03,500 --> 00:08:06,400
Vatican city!
216
00:08:11,100 --> 00:08:13,600
Your holiness, this is
father maxi from america,
217
00:08:13,600 --> 00:08:16,600
He has brought this all
to our attention.
218
00:08:16,600 --> 00:08:17,900
Your holiness.
219
00:08:18,000 --> 00:08:19,700
Rhohhh...
220
00:08:20,900 --> 00:08:24,100
Ado ramus te christe.
221
00:08:24,100 --> 00:08:26,400
In dominus reo.
In dominus reo.
222
00:08:26,400 --> 00:08:28,600
Cardinals, bishops
and priests.
223
00:08:28,500 --> 00:08:31,600
An american priest
by the name of maxi
224
00:08:31,600 --> 00:08:35,300
Has brought to our attention
the most troubling of news.
225
00:08:35,300 --> 00:08:36,700
All over his country,
there are reports
226
00:08:36,700 --> 00:08:40,100
Of children being molested
by men of the church.
227
00:08:40,100 --> 00:08:41,700
If things
continue this way
228
00:08:41,800 --> 00:08:44,700
We'll never be able to have
sex with young boys again!
229
00:08:44,700 --> 00:08:47,000
Yeah!Uh-Huh!
That's right!
230
00:08:47,100 --> 00:08:49,300
That's right-
Wait, what?!
231
00:08:49,400 --> 00:08:51,600
In france as well, we are
finding it harder and harder
232
00:08:51,600 --> 00:08:53,100
To make love to our boys.
233
00:08:53,100 --> 00:08:55,400
In morocco they have
arrested five of my priests.
234
00:08:55,500 --> 00:08:58,100
It's only a matter of time
before they get the rest of us!
235
00:08:58,200 --> 00:09:00,300
Father maxi, what do
you suggest we do
236
00:09:00,300 --> 00:09:00,800
To not get caught?
237
00:09:00,900 --> 00:09:02,800
"Not get caught"?!
No!
238
00:09:02,900 --> 00:09:05,900
I think what we should do
is not have sex with boys!
239
00:09:06,000 --> 00:09:07,600
Rumble, rumble.
Rumble, rumble.
240
00:09:07,600 --> 00:09:09,600
It is not written anywhere
241
00:09:09,600 --> 00:09:11,600
In the holy document
of vatican law
242
00:09:11,600 --> 00:09:13,300
That sex with boys
is wrong.
243
00:09:13,400 --> 00:09:16,900
Maybe we need to change the
holy document of vatican law.
244
00:09:16,900 --> 00:09:19,100
Rumble!Rumble!
Aaagh!
245
00:09:19,100 --> 00:09:20,700
Speaking on behalf of
the british catholics,
246
00:09:20,700 --> 00:09:22,300
It is obvious
the priest doesn't realize
247
00:09:22,300 --> 00:09:26,600
That the holy document of
vatican law cannot be changed!
248
00:09:26,600 --> 00:09:30,000
Yeah!True!
That's right!
249
00:09:30,000 --> 00:09:33,000
Yes, and speaking on behalf of
the gelgamek catholics,
250
00:09:33,100 --> 00:09:35,600
I believe we should move on to
other solutions to this problem.
251
00:09:35,600 --> 00:09:39,000
Rumble!Rumble!
Yeah!
252
00:09:39,100 --> 00:09:41,400
Gelgameks?!
253
00:09:43,900 --> 00:09:45,400
Kyle, could you
help me out?
254
00:09:45,500 --> 00:09:47,000
I need some advice...
255
00:09:47,000 --> 00:09:47,400
What?
256
00:09:47,500 --> 00:09:49,800
It's just that...
257
00:09:49,900 --> 00:09:52,200
I can't decide what to buy
with your twenty dollars!
258
00:09:52,200 --> 00:09:54,500
I was thinking of getting this
megaman racer for 19.95
259
00:09:54,500 --> 00:09:56,800
Or i could get two broncos
trading packs for 10 apiece.
260
00:09:56,800 --> 00:09:59,200
And then i thought-
261
00:10:05,600 --> 00:10:06,700
Oh boy, now that
we're atheists
262
00:10:06,800 --> 00:10:08,400
We don't have to pray
for our food!
263
00:10:08,300 --> 00:10:09,800
That's right,
everyone just dig in!
264
00:10:09,900 --> 00:10:13,200
So kids, anything fun happen
with your whole sunday off?
265
00:10:13,200 --> 00:10:15,400
Cartman shoved
his lunch up his ass
266
00:10:15,500 --> 00:10:16,900
And crapped
out his mouth.
267
00:10:16,900 --> 00:10:18,300
Stanly!
What, he did!
268
00:10:18,400 --> 00:10:20,900
No, it doesn't
work that way, son.
269
00:10:20,900 --> 00:10:22,000
Yeah, it does.
270
00:10:22,000 --> 00:10:23,600
No, it doesn't.
271
00:10:23,600 --> 00:10:25,100
Yeah... it does.
272
00:10:28,400 --> 00:10:32,800
Hgh... hgh...
273
00:10:32,700 --> 00:10:33,500
Hughh...
274
00:10:33,500 --> 00:10:34,300
Hwaaaaaa...
275
00:10:36,400 --> 00:10:37,600
Honey!
276
00:10:37,700 --> 00:10:40,000
Honey, come quick!
277
00:10:41,000 --> 00:10:44,800
Look, people...
i'm just trying to say
278
00:10:44,900 --> 00:10:48,700
That if we don't change the
holy document of vatican law
279
00:10:48,700 --> 00:10:51,000
Then we might lose
everyone to atheism!
280
00:10:51,100 --> 00:10:53,400
What exactly do you
suggest we change, father maxi?
281
00:10:53,400 --> 00:10:56,400
Well for one...
no sex with boys.
282
00:10:56,500 --> 00:10:58,900
Rumble!Rumble!
Agh!
283
00:10:58,800 --> 00:11:01,100
The holy document
of vatican law states that
284
00:11:01,200 --> 00:11:03,500
A priest, bishop or cardinal
cannot get married.
285
00:11:03,500 --> 00:11:05,700
So where are we
to get our sex?
286
00:11:05,800 --> 00:11:08,400
Well then perhaps we could
change the holy vatican law
287
00:11:08,400 --> 00:11:11,000
To say that it's okay for a
priest or bishop or cardinal
288
00:11:11,000 --> 00:11:12,700
To have sex...
289
00:11:12,700 --> 00:11:14,200
With women.
290
00:11:14,300 --> 00:11:16,200
Hawhhh!Rumble!
Women!
291
00:11:16,300 --> 00:11:18,800
The gelgamek vagina
is three feet wide
292
00:11:18,800 --> 00:11:21,200
And filled with
razor-Sharp teeth!
293
00:11:21,300 --> 00:11:25,600
Do you really expect us
to have sex with them?!
294
00:11:25,500 --> 00:11:28,900
Maybe we need to forget about
the gelgameks for a second
295
00:11:28,900 --> 00:11:29,500
And focus on-
296
00:11:29,500 --> 00:11:31,200
Forget about
the gelgameks!
297
00:11:31,300 --> 00:11:34,500
I'm just saying that
what works on planet gelgamek
298
00:11:34,600 --> 00:11:37,800
Isn't necessarily going to
work for the rest of us.
299
00:11:37,900 --> 00:11:40,800
You see, that's the problem
we're having here.
300
00:11:40,800 --> 00:11:44,100
But the holy document of
vatican law cannot be changed!
301
00:11:44,100 --> 00:11:46,200
Why not?
302
00:11:46,200 --> 00:11:49,500
Because we don't know
where it is.
303
00:11:49,800 --> 00:11:51,700
You see, father, the holy
document of vatican law
304
00:11:51,800 --> 00:11:56,400
Has hidden away deep in the
catacombs of st. Peters below us.
305
00:11:56,500 --> 00:11:58,700
Hidden away so that it
can never be changed.
306
00:11:58,700 --> 00:12:02,100
But if we locate it, we could
make changes to it?
307
00:12:02,200 --> 00:12:03,800
Ha!
Good luck, father!
308
00:12:03,800 --> 00:12:05,300
The document
is guarded by
309
00:12:05,400 --> 00:12:07,400
Water lizards, rattlesnakes
and sand traps.
310
00:12:07,500 --> 00:12:09,700
The fools who tried before to
recover it, met their death!
311
00:12:09,800 --> 00:12:14,000
Well we have to try,
our religion is dying!
312
00:12:14,000 --> 00:12:15,600
You guys, you guys, look!
313
00:12:15,600 --> 00:12:16,700
Agh!
314
00:12:16,800 --> 00:12:19,300
I went down to the bank,
and i got kyle's 20 dollar bill
315
00:12:19,300 --> 00:12:21,000
Turned into 20
single dollar bills!
316
00:12:21,000 --> 00:12:22,000
So?
317
00:12:22,000 --> 00:12:22,900
So?!
318
00:12:23,000 --> 00:12:24,800
So now i can do this...
319
00:12:24,900 --> 00:12:28,700
Yesssss... yyyyesss...
kyle's money...
320
00:12:28,700 --> 00:12:30,200
Mmmmm, kyle's money...
321
00:12:30,300 --> 00:12:31,400
Go f-K yourself,
cartman!
322
00:12:31,500 --> 00:12:33,700
Oh... feels so good
on my skin... mmmm...
323
00:12:33,700 --> 00:12:36,000
Get up, fat boy, i'm
gonna kick your ass!
324
00:12:36,000 --> 00:12:37,100
Geez, kyle, don't be
a sore loser.
325
00:12:37,000 --> 00:12:38,400
It's over, okay?
I won, let it go.
326
00:12:38,400 --> 00:12:39,800
So you crapped
out your mouth!
327
00:12:39,800 --> 00:12:40,600
Good for you!
328
00:12:40,700 --> 00:12:42,400
It's still stupid
and immature!
329
00:12:42,500 --> 00:12:43,100
Dude, look!
330
00:12:43,200 --> 00:12:44,200
Our top story tonight:
331
00:12:44,300 --> 00:12:46,000
The age-Old question
has been answered.
332
00:12:46,100 --> 00:12:48,500
"If i put food up my ass
will i crap out my mouth?"
333
00:12:48,500 --> 00:12:50,900
All over the country people are
discovering that yes,
334
00:12:50,900 --> 00:12:51,800
In fact, you will!
335
00:12:51,900 --> 00:12:54,200
The surgeon general
had this to say:
336
00:12:54,300 --> 00:12:56,400
...and the immediate research
shows that the act
337
00:12:56,400 --> 00:12:58,500
Is not only amusing,
but in fact much healthier
338
00:12:58,600 --> 00:13:00,700
For our bodies
than the old way of eating.
339
00:13:00,800 --> 00:13:02,900
You see, food entering
through the anus
340
00:13:02,800 --> 00:13:05,600
Has the benefit of being broken
down on its way to the stomach
341
00:13:05,600 --> 00:13:06,900
Rather than afterward.
342
00:13:06,900 --> 00:13:08,800
Therefore, i believe that
intero-Rectogestion
343
00:13:08,900 --> 00:13:10,800
Would actually put a stop to
high cholesterol
344
00:13:10,800 --> 00:13:12,800
And most kinds
of stomach cancers.
345
00:13:12,800 --> 00:13:14,800
And i base that
on absolutely nothing.
346
00:13:14,900 --> 00:13:16,300
The surgeon general's response
347
00:13:16,400 --> 00:13:19,000
Has made americans change their
eating habits almost instantly.
348
00:13:19,000 --> 00:13:20,700
"That's stupid
and immature, cartman."
349
00:13:20,700 --> 00:13:22,200
It is stupid and immature!
350
00:13:22,300 --> 00:13:23,700
So you got people to crap out
their mouths, what do you want?
351
00:13:23,700 --> 00:13:25,700
A freaking medal?
352
00:13:25,800 --> 00:13:27,100
The mayor of south park has
announced that
353
00:13:27,100 --> 00:13:28,500
For first discovering this
healthy way of eating,
354
00:13:28,500 --> 00:13:30,600
Young citizen eric cartman will
be given a freaking medal!
355
00:13:30,600 --> 00:13:32,500
Aaaghhg!
356
00:13:34,000 --> 00:13:35,500
Back now with more on
"martha stewart living".
357
00:13:35,600 --> 00:13:39,100
In the past few days we've all
heard of the benefits
358
00:13:39,100 --> 00:13:41,300
Of intero-Rectogestion,
and so making foods
359
00:13:41,400 --> 00:13:44,000
That can easily be inserted
into the ass is essential.
360
00:13:44,100 --> 00:13:47,000
Everyone knows that some foods
are simple to shove up the ass;
361
00:13:47,100 --> 00:13:48,300
Puddings, soups, raisins-
362
00:13:48,300 --> 00:13:50,500
This is a nice
raisin pudding right here-
363
00:13:50,500 --> 00:13:52,600
But we can also still
eat our favorite foods.
364
00:13:52,500 --> 00:13:53,700
What we're going to do today,
365
00:13:53,700 --> 00:13:56,000
Is prepare a thanksgiving turkey
for intero-Recto.
366
00:13:56,000 --> 00:13:58,500
The key to shoving
a turkey up your ass,
367
00:13:58,600 --> 00:14:00,000
Is first wrapping
it in string,
368
00:14:00,100 --> 00:14:01,200
Keeping the pointy wings
neatly at the side.
369
00:14:01,200 --> 00:14:04,000
Mrs. Stewart,
we have some questions.
370
00:14:04,100 --> 00:14:05,500
Not right now, i just want to
focus on my turkey right now.
371
00:14:05,500 --> 00:14:08,800
Now we're going to
baste the turkey
372
00:14:08,900 --> 00:14:11,400
With lubricating gel
rather than with juice,
373
00:14:11,400 --> 00:14:13,800
This will help smooth the
insertion later on.
374
00:14:13,800 --> 00:14:16,300
We still bake at 400 degrees for
twenty minutes a pound...
375
00:14:16,400 --> 00:14:19,000
And when it's done we'll get
something like this.
376
00:14:19,000 --> 00:14:20,200
So now we're
ready to go.
377
00:14:20,300 --> 00:14:22,700
Looks delicious,
let's try it out!
378
00:14:25,300 --> 00:14:27,400
Ugnnn...
379
00:14:27,400 --> 00:14:29,500
Uuggghhhn...
380
00:14:29,600 --> 00:14:34,300
Yeah, get it up there,
yeah, uggnnnhhh, yeah!
381
00:14:34,400 --> 00:14:38,200
Agh... whew!
382
00:14:39,500 --> 00:14:41,600
And that is how
you eat a turkey.
383
00:14:41,500 --> 00:14:43,600
We'll be right back with more.
384
00:14:53,300 --> 00:14:55,600
Prego!
385
00:14:55,600 --> 00:15:00,100
Hello, my name is father maxi
from the united states.
386
00:15:00,200 --> 00:15:01,800
What do you seek, father?
387
00:15:01,800 --> 00:15:06,300
I'm trying to find the
holy document of vatican law
388
00:15:06,300 --> 00:15:07,800
So that we can
make revisions to it.
389
00:15:07,900 --> 00:15:11,700
The gospel lies somewhere
beyond this door.
390
00:15:11,700 --> 00:15:13,900
But many trials
await thee inside.
391
00:15:13,900 --> 00:15:17,600
Only he whose heart
truly belongs to the lord
392
00:15:17,600 --> 00:15:19,200
Shall make it through.
393
00:15:19,200 --> 00:15:21,300
I have to try,
our religion is in trouble
394
00:15:21,300 --> 00:15:23,300
And that scroll
may be our only hope.
395
00:15:23,400 --> 00:15:24,900
Then prepare yourself.
396
00:15:24,900 --> 00:15:31,100
The time of trials begins...
ado ramus te christe!
397
00:15:35,500 --> 00:15:37,000
I wish you luck, father.
398
00:15:37,100 --> 00:15:40,100
Use all the strength, agility
and faith that you have.
399
00:15:40,100 --> 00:15:43,800
Very well...
here we go.
400
00:15:57,400 --> 00:15:59,500
Hmm, there's
a ladder up here...
401
00:15:59,500 --> 00:16:02,700
Oh my god, a rattlesnake!
402
00:16:02,700 --> 00:16:05,200
A way back up!
403
00:16:05,200 --> 00:16:07,600
I made it!
404
00:16:07,700 --> 00:16:12,300
Praise be to god,
he hath shown me the way.
405
00:16:12,300 --> 00:16:13,200
This must be it...
406
00:16:13,300 --> 00:16:16,100
The holy document
of vatican law.
407
00:16:19,600 --> 00:16:21,800
Well sharon and i are having
a great time being atheists.
408
00:16:21,800 --> 00:16:23,700
I for one can't believe
i used to live my life
409
00:16:23,800 --> 00:16:28,400
By what a very old and very
fictional book used to say!
410
00:16:28,500 --> 00:16:30,200
It's true, what do
a bunch of stories
411
00:16:30,200 --> 00:16:31,900
About people in robes
slaughtering goats
412
00:16:32,000 --> 00:16:33,300
Have to do with
today's world?
413
00:16:33,400 --> 00:16:35,600
Atheism has definitely
made our lives better.
414
00:16:35,600 --> 00:16:37,800
I made some quesadillas
if anybody wants some!
415
00:16:37,800 --> 00:16:39,100
Ooh!Ooh!
Ooh!
416
00:16:39,200 --> 00:16:40,900
And if anybody
needs to potty,
417
00:16:40,900 --> 00:16:42,500
There's a potty basket
right here.
418
00:16:42,600 --> 00:16:43,300
Oh thanks, sharon.
419
00:16:43,300 --> 00:16:44,500
For martha and i
we're worried
420
00:16:44,600 --> 00:16:46,900
We might have a hard time
raising our son atheist.
421
00:16:46,800 --> 00:16:48,300
I mean- Oh, thank you.
422
00:16:48,300 --> 00:16:50,300
I mean it could end up
being very difficult
423
00:16:50,300 --> 00:16:52,900
Raising an atheist child
in such a christian society.
424
00:16:52,900 --> 00:16:55,500
I feel like everywhere
my poor son goes
425
00:16:55,500 --> 00:16:57,700
He's going to be
persecuted for his beliefs.
426
00:16:57,700 --> 00:16:58,700
That's true.
427
00:16:58,800 --> 00:17:01,100
If i'm going to
raise my son to be atheist,
428
00:17:01,200 --> 00:17:03,700
I don't want him saying
"under god" every day at school.
429
00:17:03,700 --> 00:17:05,100
That could really
damage him!
430
00:17:05,100 --> 00:17:07,800
"Under god" should be
taken out of the- Excuse me-
431
00:17:07,800 --> 00:17:10,300
Hhhhwaaaa...
432
00:17:10,300 --> 00:17:12,700
"Under god" should be taken out
of the pledge of allegiance.
433
00:17:12,600 --> 00:17:14,400
Yup!Yup!
I agree.
434
00:17:14,500 --> 00:17:16,700
And it should be taken
off of money as well.
435
00:17:16,800 --> 00:17:18,000
The religious right
in this country
436
00:17:18,100 --> 00:17:19,700
Is trying to force our children
to believe what they-
437
00:17:19,700 --> 00:17:23,200
Hwaaaaaagh...
438
00:17:23,300 --> 00:17:27,000
And we can't let the religious
right corrupt our kids!
439
00:17:27,000 --> 00:17:29,000
Yeah!Yeah!
That's right.
440
00:17:32,700 --> 00:17:33,900
Cardinals, bishops
and priests!
441
00:17:34,000 --> 00:17:35,800
Father maxi has returned!
442
00:17:35,700 --> 00:17:38,900
And he has the holy document
of vatican law!
443
00:17:40,200 --> 00:17:42,600
How did he make it
past the water lizards?
444
00:17:42,700 --> 00:17:46,500
Yes, i have returned with the
holy document of vatican law,
445
00:17:46,500 --> 00:17:48,700
So can we please
change it now
446
00:17:48,800 --> 00:17:50,500
To say it's not okay
to have sex with boys?
447
00:17:52,500 --> 00:17:54,400
Wait, wait!
448
00:17:54,400 --> 00:17:56,800
The pope wants
to say something!
449
00:18:00,100 --> 00:18:03,500
The pope says we shall
ask the highest source!
450
00:18:03,400 --> 00:18:05,400
Ahhhh!Ahh!
451
00:18:10,400 --> 00:18:12,800
Oh my!
452
00:18:15,300 --> 00:18:16,600
The holy one!
453
00:18:16,700 --> 00:18:20,700
Behold the great
queen spider!
454
00:18:20,800 --> 00:18:22,600
Hail, queen spider.Hail, queen spider.
455
00:18:22,700 --> 00:18:23,800
Queen spider?
456
00:18:23,800 --> 00:18:26,800
Oh, great queen spider,
we seek your guidance.
457
00:18:26,800 --> 00:18:28,700
What do you ask of me?
458
00:18:28,700 --> 00:18:30,600
Great queen spider,
459
00:18:30,600 --> 00:18:32,700
We wish to change
one of the vatican rules.
460
00:18:32,700 --> 00:18:35,400
The vatican rules
cannot be changed.
461
00:18:35,400 --> 00:18:36,500
So sayeth the spider.
462
00:18:36,600 --> 00:18:39,300
Go on, priest maxi,
see if you can convince her.
463
00:18:39,300 --> 00:18:41,300
All right,
that does it!
464
00:18:41,300 --> 00:18:42,500
I have had enough!
465
00:18:42,600 --> 00:18:45,100
You people have completely lost
touch with the outside world!
466
00:18:45,100 --> 00:18:48,700
You sit in this big room with your
gelgameks and your queen spider
467
00:18:48,700 --> 00:18:52,300
And none of it applies to what
being a catholic is all about!
468
00:18:52,200 --> 00:18:55,400
But the holy document
of vatican law states that-
469
00:18:55,400 --> 00:18:58,600
To hell with the holy document
of vatican law!
470
00:19:06,200 --> 00:19:07,300
You guys, you guys!
471
00:19:07,400 --> 00:19:08,400
I took kyle's 20 dollars
down to the bank again,
472
00:19:08,500 --> 00:19:10,300
And i got it changed
into quarters!
473
00:19:10,300 --> 00:19:12,200
So?
474
00:19:12,300 --> 00:19:13,200
So now i can dump them
into this pool
475
00:19:13,300 --> 00:19:16,100
And swim in them
all day long!
476
00:19:16,000 --> 00:19:17,800
Yayyyy, kyle's money.
477
00:19:17,900 --> 00:19:21,200
Cartman, there's something
i need to tell you.
478
00:19:21,200 --> 00:19:22,000
Ooh, what's that, kyle?
479
00:19:22,100 --> 00:19:25,100
You were totally,
100% right.
480
00:19:25,200 --> 00:19:27,200
Huh... huh...... what?
481
00:19:27,200 --> 00:19:28,100
You won the bet.
482
00:19:28,200 --> 00:19:29,200
You were
totally accurate
483
00:19:29,200 --> 00:19:30,500
About being able
to crap out your mouth,
484
00:19:30,500 --> 00:19:31,500
And i've just
been frustrated
485
00:19:31,600 --> 00:19:33,000
Because i didn't
think of it first.
486
00:19:33,000 --> 00:19:34,300
I want you to
enjoy that money because
487
00:19:34,400 --> 00:19:37,000
You really impressed me
with your insight,
488
00:19:37,000 --> 00:19:39,600
And i'm proud to
have you as a friend.
489
00:19:42,000 --> 00:19:43,300
You son-Of-A-Bitch, kyle!
490
00:19:43,400 --> 00:19:45,300
I hate you!
491
00:19:45,900 --> 00:19:47,800
Down with god!
Yeah!Atheists rule!
492
00:19:47,900 --> 00:19:50,000
Great news, stan,
the vatican is burning down!
493
00:19:50,100 --> 00:19:51,700
Score one
for us atheists!
494
00:19:51,800 --> 00:19:55,500
Come on, tweek, we're
gonna go watch on tv!
495
00:19:58,000 --> 00:20:00,900
Gone...
it's all gone.
496
00:20:01,000 --> 00:20:02,600
Well, thanks a lot,
father maxi
497
00:20:02,700 --> 00:20:04,300
You've killed
our religion.
498
00:20:04,300 --> 00:20:05,500
No, i didn't!
499
00:20:05,500 --> 00:20:07,500
All that's dead are
your stupid laws and rules.
500
00:20:07,600 --> 00:20:10,700
You've forgotten what
being a catholic is all about:
501
00:20:10,700 --> 00:20:13,300
This book...
502
00:20:13,400 --> 00:20:15,400
You see, these are
just stories.
503
00:20:15,500 --> 00:20:18,700
Stories that are meant to help
guide people in the right direction.
504
00:20:18,700 --> 00:20:20,900
Love your neighbor,
be a good person.
505
00:20:20,900 --> 00:20:23,200
That's it.
506
00:20:23,300 --> 00:20:25,100
And when you start
turning the stories
507
00:20:25,100 --> 00:20:26,900
Into literal translations
of hierarchies and power,
508
00:20:26,900 --> 00:20:30,400
Well... well you
end up with this!
509
00:20:30,300 --> 00:20:33,600
People are
losing faith because
510
00:20:33,700 --> 00:20:37,200
They don't see how what you've turned
the religion into applies to them.
511
00:20:37,300 --> 00:20:39,500
They've lost touch with any idea
of any kind of religion,
512
00:20:39,600 --> 00:20:43,000
And when they have no mythology
to try and live their lives by
513
00:20:43,000 --> 00:20:46,300
They just start spewing a bunch
of crap out of their mouths!
514
00:20:46,400 --> 00:20:48,900
What was that
last bit?
515
00:20:49,000 --> 00:20:51,100
Look, i'm proud
to be a catholic.
516
00:20:51,200 --> 00:20:53,500
But i am a catholic
in the real world,
517
00:20:53,600 --> 00:20:54,400
In today's world.
518
00:20:54,400 --> 00:20:56,700
It's time for you all
to do that too.
519
00:20:56,700 --> 00:21:01,200
It is time... for change.
520
00:21:03,500 --> 00:21:05,400
He's right, sharon.
521
00:21:05,400 --> 00:21:07,700
We don't have to believe
every word of the bible
522
00:21:07,700 --> 00:21:09,500
They're just stories
to help us live by.
523
00:21:09,600 --> 00:21:11,900
We shouldn't toss away
the lessons of the bible
524
00:21:12,000 --> 00:21:14,200
Just because some assholes
in italy screwed it up.
525
00:21:14,300 --> 00:21:16,800
Oh, randy, i don't want to
put food up my butt anymore.
526
00:21:16,900 --> 00:21:19,400
Gang... i think maybe
we owe god an apology.
527
00:21:19,500 --> 00:21:22,700
Does this mean we have to
go to church on sundays again?
528
00:21:22,700 --> 00:21:25,900
No... it means
we get to, son.
529
00:21:26,000 --> 00:21:29,700
It means we get to.
530
00:21:29,700 --> 00:21:31,900
Hwaaaaa...