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Season 13 Episode 7
"Fatbeard"
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You guys! You guys!
We can finally do it!
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We can finally leave this crappy town
and live the life we've all dreamed of!
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- We can?
- What are you talking about, dude?
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Haven't you assholes
been watching the news?
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Pirating is back, my friends.
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Swashbuckling adventure
on the high seas.
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The stuff we've all dreamed about!
And it's all happening right here.
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Somalia!
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- Somalia? Where's that?
- North Africa.
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Just picture it, guys!
Clear blue water with skull islands!
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Waterfalls and jeweled
treasure underneath!
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I've worked it all out on Expedia.
We can take
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Southwest Airlines to Miami,
then Dubai Air here to Cairo.
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Then it's just a 49-hour bus ride
into Mogadishu,
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with all the booty
and plunder a pirate could want.
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You know, Cartman,
that is an awesome idea.
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- You should totally go to Somalia.
- Right! And we...
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Wait a minute. You never
think my ideas are good, Kyle.
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No, I'm being totally serious.
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That is the best idea you've ever had.
You should run away to Mogadishu.
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You should go there right away.
I'll even help pay for your ticket!
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Cool! Wait a minute.
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The fuck! Why would you do that?
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Unless, you're trying
to trick me somehow.
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No, you're right. Somalia is
an oasis of treasure and waterfalls!
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- It's totally the pirate's life!
- Then why don't you wanna go?
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'cause, dude, I'm Jewish,
and you know...
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Jews can't be pirates.
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That's true.
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Well, I'm glad you've finally come
to terms with your disability, Kyle.
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Gentlemen,
I'm off to start planning.
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Please.
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Please let him go.
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Good morning, students.
These are the morning announcements.
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Teacher-parent conferences
were rescheduled to next Tuesday.
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Please inform your parents.
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The gym is being repainted
and is closed until tomorrow afternoon.
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And now for a special announcement.
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Avast there, mateys!
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Do you have a thirst for adventure
on the high seas of life?
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Sick and tired of parents and teachers
telling ye what to do all the time?
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Then join Captain Cartman's
perfect pirate club!
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Just imagine it, me hearties!
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A life without rules,
without homework and chores!
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You can live the pirate's life
in Somalia, me friends.
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Even Kyle said so.
Our first official pirate meetin'
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will be 4:00 PM today,
at Kevin Stoley's house.
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- At my house? Why my house?
- There will be refreshments served.
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So make sure your mom
goes to the grocery store!
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So come all.
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The invitation is open to any student
who wants to be a pirate,
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and who isn't Jewish,
Mexican or ginger.
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And for lunch today,
the cafeteria will be serving
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taco salad or hoagie sandwiches.
Thank you.
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Ahoy, fellow club members!
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Congratulations on leaving
your meaningless lives behind
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to become pirates.
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Your life of boredom is at an end,
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thanks to Captain Cartman.
All hands on deck!
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Attention!
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All right, ye booty lubbers!
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So you decided to join
Captain Cartman, did ye...
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Guys. Who let in the g-i-n-g-e-r?
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There's really not that many of us.
We figured we should let him join.
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But, g-i-n-g-e-r-s can't be pirates,
'cause they don't have souls.
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- Please get it out of here.
- Fine! I don't want to be a pirate!
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OK, anyways.
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Now, enough small talk, lads! It's time
for us to start rappin' and plunderin'!
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We set course tomorrow!
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I purchased everyone's tickets online
using me mother's credit card.
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And your mom is OK with that?
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Dude, I'm a pirate! What the devil do
I care what me mother thinks anymore?
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Neat-o!
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All right, lads. Go home and write
your farewell letters to your families.
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The land of pirates awaits!
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- Pirates ho!
- Pirates ho!
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Kevin, goddammit.
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Have a good flight.
Next, please?
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We be heading to Somalia,
by way of Miami to Cairo.
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And take care you put us
in an exit row, you landlubber.
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I see, you five boys
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are all booked through
to Cairo by yourselves?
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That we be, lass. It's all paid for
on me mother's credit card.
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Jeez. I don't know
if I can really go through with this.
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- What?
- It's just leaving everything behind.
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I can't believe
I'm actually doing it.
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- Maybe we should think about this.
- You guys, the fuck!
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Are you forgetting
how crappy your lives are?
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All the homework, the rules?
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You really want to go back to school,
where people just make fun of you?
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Who? You mean you?
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- Do you really wanna go back to that?
- No, I'm sick of it!
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Well, all right then, fag!
We can't turn back now.
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The path to adventure lies
just beyond this ticket counter,
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and if you four have really come
all this way just to turn back now,
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then seriously, you guys...
The fuck?
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He's right, lads.
To adventure!
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This is Somalia?
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Where's all the waterfalls
and shipwreck lagoons?
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The fuck!
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Excuse me.
Where are the pirates?
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We're looking for the pirates.
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Where can we find the...
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Get the phrase book out.
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Ask these people
where the pirates are.
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He says they're in there!
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Nice! Come on, mateys!
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Yes, bla, bla, bla. Thank you.
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Avast!
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These aren't pirates.
They're just a bunch of black people.
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I'm Captain Cartman
and this here be my terrible crew.
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We be looking
for a ship to pirate with.
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Yes, very nice.
Apparently these are the pirates.
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Excellent!
They're taking us to a ship!
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Once we commandeer a vessel,
the plundering will be easy indeed.
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This is your pirate boat?
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Dude. The fuck?
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Seriously, guys,
what kind of pirates are you?
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I mean, really.
The fuck, dude. The fuck?
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Guess we'll have
to settle with this meager ship.
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Two of you sit aft
and two of you sit in the front.
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I gotta sit middle,
'cause I get motion sickness.
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Kevin, Jesus Christ.
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Hard to starboard, lads!
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There's sure to be lots
of booties out here!
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Clyde, the fuck?
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You said there was gonna be
crystal clear lagoons
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and treasure and plunder!
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Calm down.
Everything's gonna be okay!
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No, it's not. You made me
run away and be a pirate
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and there's not even any treasure!
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Ike, do something
about Clyde, please!
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Very nice, Ike.
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All right, me hearties!
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Keep your eyes open
for boats to plunder!
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Dude! You're doing it all wrong.
Let me handle this.
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All right, ye scallywags!
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Surrender your plunder lest
we start firing shots across your bow!
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Yeah, that's good,
but now go "argh!"
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You checked with Kenny and Token?
He's not staying at their houses?
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No, everyone's checked. I think
Cartman really ran away to Somalia.
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Yes! I can't help but take
some credit for this.
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- I helped convince him to go!
- You think he'll die in Somalia?
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For sure. It's the most
godforsaken place on the planet!
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Things are finally gonna
be normal around here!
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Oh, God!
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Oh, God!
What did we do wrong, Gerald?
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Take it easy. We'll find him!
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- I'll call you back.
- Kyle! He's gone!
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Your little brother's
run away from home!
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What? Are you sure?
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He left a note saying
he's never coming back!
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"Dear mommy and daddy.
I am running away.
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I am sorry,
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but I cannot longer handle
the monotony of middle class life.
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Everyone at school
is a fucking idiot,
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and if one more person talked to me
about that Susan Boyle performance
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of Les Misérables I was going to puke
my balls out through my mouth.
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I love you all, but I have to move on.
I'm going to Somalia to be a...
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to be a pirate."
Oh, shit!
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00:11:08,272 --> 00:11:10,164
Gerald, what are we gonna do?
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He couldn't have gone far.
Let's call the other kids' houses.
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God, what have I done?
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The fuck are you pirates doing?
Are we gonna plunder them or not?
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Let's go.
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Quiet, ye sons of biscuit eaters!
This boat is now pirate property!
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Now get ye to yer lifeboat,
lest ye wanna be shark bait!
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Plunder the booty, lads!
This ship is ours!
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I said get off my boat.
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That's it!
Get in there ye swarmy dogs!
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Lower 'em down, Ike!
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Have a good day!
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- Hard to port, lads.
- Hard to port!
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What's port?
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Just make the boat go
that way, kind of.
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That's good!
Now bring her around portside!
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Now, that's a pirate ship.
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A fine day of plunderin' we had, boys.
What about yourselves?
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Here ye are, lads.
Plenty of booty to go around.
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A round of grog for me boys.
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A round of grog for everyone!
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The fuck is this?
This is water in a Dixie Cup!
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All right, goddammit.
Really, you guys.
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What kind of pirates are you?
Look at yourselves!
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You're a disgrace to Blackbeard!
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I don't know where you people
get off calling yourselves pirates...
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Little beat-up boats,
water in Dixie Cups.
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I mean, look! Look at this guy!
Look at this guy, for Christ's sake!
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00:14:01,790 --> 00:14:03,603
I mean, how hard is this, people?
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00:14:05,055 --> 00:14:07,502
I tell ye, lads, if we're gonna be
the most feared people on earth,
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00:14:07,627 --> 00:14:09,805
then there needs to be
some goddamn changes around here!
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00:14:10,358 --> 00:14:13,429
We drink and we pillage
and we do what we please
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00:14:13,554 --> 00:14:15,675
We get all we want for free
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We'll kick your ass
then rape your lass
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Somalian pirates we
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00:14:20,074 --> 00:14:21,608
So with a yo ho ho
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00:14:24,665 --> 00:14:26,065
Goddammit, people.
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00:14:26,551 --> 00:14:28,169
With a yo ho ho!
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00:14:30,466 --> 00:14:31,743
And with a yee hee hee!
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00:14:33,854 --> 00:14:35,942
We take to the African sea
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00:14:36,067 --> 00:14:38,650
We'll brave the squalls
and bust your balls
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00:14:38,775 --> 00:14:40,252
Somalian pirates we
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00:14:40,753 --> 00:14:43,682
Somalian pirates we
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00:14:44,425 --> 00:14:46,758
We left our homes
and we left our mothers
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00:14:47,036 --> 00:14:48,677
to go on a pillaging spree
207
00:14:49,034 --> 00:14:51,394
We'll cut off your ears
and break your toes
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00:14:51,519 --> 00:14:53,556
and make you drink our pee
209
00:14:53,724 --> 00:14:55,841
And if you sail into our waters,
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00:14:55,966 --> 00:14:57,927
you best hear this decree
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00:14:58,052 --> 00:15:00,298
We'll take your boat
and set your ass afloat
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00:15:00,423 --> 00:15:02,456
- Somalian pirates we
- Nice!
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00:15:02,581 --> 00:15:03,873
With a yo ho ho
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00:15:04,800 --> 00:15:06,141
And a trick a lotty do
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00:15:07,038 --> 00:15:09,072
We'll shoot you
in the face with glee
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00:15:09,240 --> 00:15:11,080
- We'll cut off...
- Let's stop for a minute.
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00:15:11,205 --> 00:15:13,570
Remember on "trick a lotty do",
that's an lotty do.
218
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Really need you guys
to enunciate the lotty.
219
00:15:15,971 --> 00:15:16,871
Nadif?
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00:15:17,522 --> 00:15:21,292
If I can get you and Abdikarim to sing
the harmony on the second "yo ho".
221
00:15:21,803 --> 00:15:22,836
And... Hashmish?
222
00:15:23,450 --> 00:15:26,575
I'm sorry, but you're a little flat.
Sing out, don't close your throat.
223
00:15:26,700 --> 00:15:30,218
So let's go from bar 14.
Pick up after the quarter rest. Ike?
224
00:15:32,252 --> 00:15:34,180
- Somalian pirates we
- Better!
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00:15:34,502 --> 00:15:35,795
With a yo ho ho
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00:15:36,680 --> 00:15:37,997
And a trick a lotty do
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00:15:38,910 --> 00:15:40,924
We'll shoot you
in the face with glee
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00:15:41,049 --> 00:15:43,231
Then we'll cut off your cock
and feed it to a crock
229
00:15:43,399 --> 00:15:45,625
Somalian pirates we!
230
00:15:45,750 --> 00:15:48,982
Somalian pirates...
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00:15:49,107 --> 00:15:50,207
we!
232
00:15:51,298 --> 00:15:54,826
Somalian pirates we
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00:15:57,293 --> 00:15:59,205
We found them adrift
in a lifeboat, sir.
234
00:15:59,330 --> 00:16:01,416
They said that pirates
took their ship by force.
235
00:16:02,284 --> 00:16:03,334
Damn pirates!
236
00:16:03,821 --> 00:16:06,740
What's causing them
to suddenly be so much more active?
237
00:16:06,865 --> 00:16:07,922
Is the crew okay?
238
00:16:08,480 --> 00:16:10,952
Yes, sir. They're French,
so they surrendered immediately.
239
00:16:11,077 --> 00:16:13,428
Once they boarded your ship,
how did they force you off?
240
00:16:24,178 --> 00:16:25,938
Sir, the pirates appear
to have forced
241
00:16:26,063 --> 00:16:28,234
the French crew off their boat
with a lightsaber.
242
00:16:28,942 --> 00:16:32,483
My God. The pirates are getting
better equipped every day!
243
00:16:32,608 --> 00:16:35,341
Gentlemen, I want the President
of the United States on the phone.
244
00:16:35,466 --> 00:16:37,963
We can no longer fight
the pirates on the seas.
245
00:16:38,088 --> 00:16:40,147
We have to take them out
where they live.
246
00:16:45,525 --> 00:16:48,178
What did I tell you, Butters?
This is the good life, huh?
247
00:16:52,593 --> 00:16:53,613
What's going on?
248
00:16:59,051 --> 00:17:01,184
Good. A hostage
will bring a fine ransom!
249
00:17:06,112 --> 00:17:08,851
Well, well, well!
250
00:17:11,092 --> 00:17:13,529
This is CNN... N.
251
00:17:14,277 --> 00:17:17,642
Breaking news of yet
another pirate crisis in Somalia.
252
00:17:18,096 --> 00:17:21,655
Members of NATO receive word today
that pirates have captured
253
00:17:21,780 --> 00:17:23,105
an American child,
254
00:17:23,230 --> 00:17:26,719
and are demanding 10 million euros
for his safe release.
255
00:17:27,026 --> 00:17:30,074
U.S. Navy ships have been deployed
and the pirate standoff
256
00:17:30,199 --> 00:17:31,380
is about to get ugly.
257
00:17:32,410 --> 00:17:36,372
Well, well, well... Kyle.
258
00:17:36,960 --> 00:17:39,591
You came all this way
to try and join my pirate club.
259
00:17:39,716 --> 00:17:42,871
No, fatass, I came to get my brother!
We all have to get out of here!
260
00:17:42,996 --> 00:17:44,727
- It isn't safe!
- It isn't safe?
261
00:17:45,399 --> 00:17:47,642
That's not what you said
back in the cafeteria, Kyle.
262
00:17:47,767 --> 00:17:49,816
In the cafeteria, you said
Somalia was awesome.
263
00:17:50,671 --> 00:17:51,818
I know. I was lying.
264
00:17:52,639 --> 00:17:55,696
Or are you lying now? So many lies,
you can't even keep them straight!
265
00:17:56,230 --> 00:17:59,534
You couldn't stand that we were living
in paradise while you were back home.
266
00:18:00,006 --> 00:18:03,523
This isn't paradise, and you know it.
The people here are starving and dying!
267
00:18:03,648 --> 00:18:06,558
The whole world has used Somalia
as a dumping ground for toxic waste.
268
00:18:06,683 --> 00:18:08,042
Even the fish are radioactive.
269
00:18:12,993 --> 00:18:15,920
Cartman, just give me my brother
and let us get out of here.
270
00:18:16,651 --> 00:18:19,513
Your brother is with Butters
taking inventory of our latest plunder.
271
00:18:19,638 --> 00:18:23,138
You... just sit tight till we hear
about your ransom money.
272
00:18:24,307 --> 00:18:26,257
One box of Italian passports!
273
00:18:26,954 --> 00:18:28,404
One necklace, gold!
274
00:18:29,114 --> 00:18:30,579
Three crew member watches.
275
00:18:31,061 --> 00:18:33,561
Excuse me. Can I ask you a question?
276
00:18:35,368 --> 00:18:36,570
Sure, Guleed.
277
00:18:37,108 --> 00:18:38,864
Why did you Americans come here?
278
00:18:39,409 --> 00:18:41,150
'cause our lives sucked back home!
279
00:18:41,275 --> 00:18:44,550
- We had all these rules and homework.
- Yeah, homework!
280
00:18:44,675 --> 00:18:46,326
And our parents hollered at us.
281
00:18:47,160 --> 00:18:50,084
- So we wanted to be pirates.
- Pirates!
282
00:18:50,494 --> 00:18:52,322
But that's what I do not understand.
283
00:18:52,447 --> 00:18:55,102
Why would anyone
want to be a pirate?
284
00:18:57,233 --> 00:19:00,583
Every day, I dream
that I can go to school,
285
00:19:00,904 --> 00:19:02,300
learn about the world.
286
00:19:02,425 --> 00:19:05,273
But my mother, she's dying of AIDS,
287
00:19:05,398 --> 00:19:07,321
and there is no money for medicine.
288
00:19:07,446 --> 00:19:10,581
My father was killed
trying to find food for us.
289
00:19:11,880 --> 00:19:15,243
Do you know how I feel
every time we try to capture a boat?
290
00:19:15,596 --> 00:19:16,596
Scared.
291
00:19:16,876 --> 00:19:19,728
And not just scared,
because I might get killed,
292
00:19:19,853 --> 00:19:23,120
but scared because
if I don't get something out of it,
293
00:19:23,245 --> 00:19:25,745
my family and friends
are going to die.
294
00:19:26,201 --> 00:19:29,964
I don't want to be a pirate.
I have don't see how anybody would.
295
00:19:35,830 --> 00:19:37,038
Oh, my God.
296
00:19:37,784 --> 00:19:41,425
Jeez, guess we kinda got
put in our place, huh, Ike?
297
00:19:42,016 --> 00:19:44,385
I feel like an asshole.
298
00:19:45,677 --> 00:19:46,677
Me too.
299
00:19:49,999 --> 00:19:53,564
- Go on! Walk the plank, ye scurvy dog!
- Cartman, knock it off!
300
00:19:54,014 --> 00:19:56,192
That's Captain Cartman,
ye jewswoggle.
301
00:20:05,328 --> 00:20:07,078
Listen, we wanna go home.
302
00:20:07,562 --> 00:20:10,159
- What?
- Me and Ike, we've been talking, and...
303
00:20:10,284 --> 00:20:13,375
Well, guys, we really had it
pretty good back in America.
304
00:20:13,783 --> 00:20:15,257
I mean, sure,
305
00:20:15,382 --> 00:20:18,268
it's easy to think our lives
are boring and full of rules,
306
00:20:18,393 --> 00:20:20,341
but a lot of people
have it way worse.
307
00:20:20,734 --> 00:20:23,541
The pirates' life isn't
a life of fun and adventure.
308
00:20:23,666 --> 00:20:25,615
It's a life of hardship
and suffering.
309
00:20:25,740 --> 00:20:29,582
When you get down to it, we were
pretty lucky to have the lives we did.
310
00:20:34,521 --> 00:20:37,242
I hate it here. It wanna go home!
311
00:20:38,337 --> 00:20:40,790
You guys cannot leave
the pirate club now!
312
00:20:40,915 --> 00:20:43,679
How can you not want to stay
in this paradise we've created?
313
00:20:44,031 --> 00:20:45,781
In Somalia, people have no laws!
314
00:20:45,906 --> 00:20:47,826
They have no rules,
and they never grow old!
315
00:20:48,267 --> 00:20:50,746
They never grow old
because they die before they're 30!
316
00:20:51,164 --> 00:20:54,892
Nobody's going anywhere.
I'm the captain of this outfit!
317
00:20:56,143 --> 00:20:57,143
To arms!
318
00:21:00,225 --> 00:21:03,499
Now, is there any question
who's in charge?
319
00:21:03,758 --> 00:21:06,845
I have an entire pirate crew
willing to do anything for me.
320
00:21:11,501 --> 00:21:14,651
All right, men. Remember,
do not hit the white ones!
321
00:21:15,649 --> 00:21:19,069
Me and my crew
are gonna go on pirating forever!
322
00:21:28,760 --> 00:21:29,660
Clear.
323
00:21:33,753 --> 00:21:35,136
The fuck?
324
00:21:36,418 --> 00:21:39,998
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