1
00:00:04,604 --> 00:00:07,290
SouthParkNews.net
La Fabrique
2
00:00:37,224 --> 00:00:38,822
{\pub}{\pos(192,210)}Put it down, you bitch!
3
00:00:43,143 --> 00:00:45,829
Put the golf club down,
you crazy bitch!
4
00:00:47,102 --> 00:00:50,665
You motherfucker!
I never should have married you!
5
00:00:50,995 --> 00:00:53,691
You're overreacting,
you stupid Swedish cow!
6
00:00:54,177 --> 00:00:56,727
Then why the fuck
are you getting text messages
7
00:00:56,852 --> 00:00:59,699
from some low-life hooker
on Thanksgiving?
8
00:01:00,004 --> 00:01:01,845
God, shut up!
Shut up!
9
00:01:02,513 --> 00:01:04,341
Where are my fucking pills?
10
00:01:05,730 --> 00:01:08,230
Take more Vicodin, Tiger!
That'll help!
11
00:01:08,519 --> 00:01:11,348
- Will you just listen to me?
- Listen to this!
12
00:01:12,523 --> 00:01:13,850
You fucking whore!
13
00:01:16,521 --> 00:01:19,342
Where the fuck
do you think you're going?
14
00:01:19,786 --> 00:01:21,858
I'm getting the fuck away from you!
15
00:01:25,288 --> 00:01:27,864
Open the door, you motherfucker!
16
00:01:30,365 --> 00:01:32,375
Chase after me in the car, Kenny!
17
00:01:32,882 --> 00:01:34,652
- What are you {\*guys }doing?
- {\*Dude, }Check it out.
18
00:01:34,777 --> 00:01:37,380
It's EA Sports
Tiger Woods PGA Tour 11 for Xbox.
19
00:01:40,551 --> 00:01:43,380
- Fuck you, cunt!
- Stop breaking through the window{\*, Kenny}!
20
00:01:44,048 --> 00:01:45,388
I'm gonna crash!
21
00:01:50,248 --> 00:01:52,752
Look what you did, you crazy bitch!
22
00:01:53,057 --> 00:01:55,879
Serves you right, you cheating turd!
23
00:01:57,214 --> 00:01:59,896
- {\*Dude, }Was that a combo move?
- Yeah, {\*dude, }I fucked you up!
24
00:02:00,571 --> 00:02:02,899
{\*Dude, }Here come the cops!
We gotta lie to them. Hit X to lie!
25
00:02:03,762 --> 00:02:05,902
I didn't know golf games
were this cool!
26
00:02:06,577 --> 00:02:08,912
Yeah, {\*dude, }EA Sports
outdid themselves this time.
27
00:02:12,577 --> 00:02:15,195
I've gathered you together here
because you are the best minds
28
00:02:15,320 --> 00:02:16,789
our country has to offer.
29
00:02:16,914 --> 00:02:20,279
As you have all seen on the news,
our country is facing a major crisis.
30
00:02:20,585 --> 00:02:22,919
And we need to find out
what's causing it. Why!
31
00:02:23,902 --> 00:02:26,429
Why are rich successful men
suddenly going out
32
00:02:26,591 --> 00:02:28,864
and trying to have sex
with lots of women.
33
00:02:30,277 --> 00:02:32,258
Tiger Woods
was only the most prevalent,
34
00:02:32,383 --> 00:02:34,806
but our data shows
that the numbers are growing.
35
00:02:35,106 --> 00:02:37,198
David Letterman
and before that, Bill Clinton.
36
00:02:37,323 --> 00:02:38,629
There is a pattern here{\*, people}.
37
00:02:38,917 --> 00:02:41,758
Why would a man who's famous
and makes tons of money
38
00:02:42,213 --> 00:02:45,262
use that to try and have sex
with lots of different women?
39
00:02:46,444 --> 00:02:49,766
And these rich celebrities
have perfectly good wives at home!
40
00:02:50,114 --> 00:02:52,312
Why would they even think
of sex with others?
41
00:02:52,437 --> 00:02:53,437
Dammit.
42
00:02:54,434 --> 00:02:55,952
I want answers.
43
00:02:56,410 --> 00:02:59,956
We believe that it may be
an outbreak of sex addiction, sir.
44
00:03:00,416 --> 00:03:01,862
Sex a woo-hoo?
45
00:03:02,269 --> 00:03:04,906
It's a new phenomena
we don't completely understand yet.
46
00:03:05,031 --> 00:03:07,451
But it seems to make people...
different.
47
00:03:07,793 --> 00:03:11,468
Of course, we {\*all }know the normal {\*healthy }male
thinks only of sex occasionally
48
00:03:11,904 --> 00:03:14,477
and has no desire
for sex with multiple partners.
49
00:03:14,639 --> 00:03:15,478
Of course.
50
00:03:16,324 --> 00:03:18,481
- Definitely true.
- {\*Yes, }We all know that, go on.
51
00:03:18,643 --> 00:03:20,382
But in the sex addict,
52
00:03:20,507 --> 00:03:23,980
their {\*entire }lives are consumed with thoughts
of wanting more and more.
53
00:03:24,358 --> 00:03:27,984
The mere sight of an attractive woman
can make him think about sex with her.
54
00:03:28,569 --> 00:03:29,986
But what about love?
55
00:03:30,495 --> 00:03:33,990
How could tons of fame and money
make you forget about love?
56
00:03:35,817 --> 00:03:38,495
What could be causing
this outbreak of sexual addiction?
57
00:03:39,055 --> 00:03:41,504
It could be caused
by something in the water supply.
58
00:03:41,672 --> 00:03:44,507
- Perhaps even by global warming.
- Or cooling.
59
00:03:45,372 --> 00:03:48,505
If so, then the disease
could start to affect our children.
60
00:03:48,985 --> 00:03:50,006
That does it.
61
00:03:51,517 --> 00:03:54,010
I want health screenings
at all our nation's schools.
62
00:03:54,380 --> 00:03:58,014
We need to find out if {\*any }young people
might be carrying this disease.
63
00:03:59,860 --> 00:04:01,480
Good afternoon, students.
64
00:04:01,605 --> 00:04:03,924
We are going to be doing
a health screening today.
65
00:04:04,291 --> 00:04:06,529
It won't take long,
and will be relatively painless,
66
00:04:06,691 --> 00:04:09,526
but we need to see
if any students are showing symptoms.
67
00:04:10,201 --> 00:04:13,036
In a moment, I am going
to show you a suggestive picture,
68
00:04:13,780 --> 00:04:16,931
and {\*then }I am going to ask you a question
about the picture.
69
00:04:17,414 --> 00:04:18,522
All right. Ready?
70
00:04:18,965 --> 00:04:19,895
Here we go.
71
00:04:21,712 --> 00:04:23,039
What?
72
00:04:24,518 --> 00:04:25,548
Jesus, dude.
73
00:04:25,800 --> 00:04:27,900
Holy Moly.
What's that, between the lady's legs?
74
00:04:28,025 --> 00:04:29,052
It's all bushy!
75
00:04:29,414 --> 00:04:32,055
Please just study the picture
the best you can, students.
76
00:04:32,306 --> 00:04:34,737
I'll then ask a question
which you'll answer on the paper{\* provided}.
77
00:04:35,003 --> 00:04:36,806
I've never seen that part of a lady!
78
00:04:37,015 --> 00:04:39,562
Do they all got a hedge like that?
Do they?
79
00:04:39,922 --> 00:04:41,024
Okay, very good.
80
00:04:41,371 --> 00:04:43,560
Now, what color...
81
00:04:44,011 --> 00:04:47,063
was the handkerchief
in the nice lady's hand?
82
00:04:48,239 --> 00:04:50,830
Write down your answer, please.
What color was the handkerchief
83
00:04:50,955 --> 00:04:52,318
in the nice lady's hand.
84
00:04:54,532 --> 00:04:57,073
Did you see the bush on that lady?
What the heck was that?
85
00:04:57,518 --> 00:04:59,582
Very good.
Turn your answers over, please.
86
00:05:00,446 --> 00:05:02,942
Gee wiz, it was like
almost up to her belly button.
87
00:05:03,247 --> 00:05:04,347
All right, now.
88
00:05:04,535 --> 00:05:07,584
Who answered
that the handkerchief was yellow?
89
00:05:09,260 --> 00:05:11,094
Very good.
Very good indeed.
90
00:05:11,262 --> 00:05:13,493
Now I'd like to see, who answered:
91
00:05:13,758 --> 00:05:15,091
"What handkerchief?"
92
00:05:23,018 --> 00:05:25,101
You three boys, please come with me.
93
00:05:26,422 --> 00:05:28,611
I didn't see a handkerchief.
Did you see {\*a handkerchief}it, Kenny?
94
00:05:28,773 --> 00:05:31,107
Fuck no, I wasn't looking
at any handkerchief!
95
00:05:34,785 --> 00:05:38,615
I'm sorry{\* boys}, but I'm afraid you three
have tested positive for sex addiction.
96
00:05:39,283 --> 00:05:40,562
- What?
- Oh no!
97
00:05:41,126 --> 00:05:42,357
Who fucking cares.
98
00:05:42,482 --> 00:05:44,627
{\*We are going to}We'll have to send you home,
I'm afraid.
99
00:05:44,789 --> 00:05:47,123
Wait, we're sex addicts?
Are you sure?
100
00:05:47,645 --> 00:05:51,127
Our nice lady with a handkerchief test
is {\*extremely}very comprehensive and thorough.
101
00:05:51,496 --> 00:05:55,131
{\*I'm }Sorry, but you're simply too dangerous
to have around normal{\*, well-adjusted} students.
102
00:05:55,650 --> 00:05:58,134
It was just...
so big and bushy, sir!
103
00:05:58,556 --> 00:06:01,638
- Why does it look like that?
- So what happens to us now?
104
00:06:03,808 --> 00:06:06,133
A life of desperation and anguish,
I'm afraid.
105
00:06:06,258 --> 00:06:08,960
Your addiction will start off slowly,
magazines, Internet sites.
106
00:06:09,085 --> 00:06:12,594
But {\*then }as you keep chasing your high,
your tastes will get more {\*and more }dangerous.
107
00:06:12,817 --> 00:06:16,152
{\*Most likely, }You'll end up {\*going the way of}like David Carradine
and Michael Hutchence.
108
00:06:16,527 --> 00:06:18,154
Autoerotic asphyxiation.
109
00:06:18,823 --> 00:06:20,977
Autoerotic asphyxiation?
What's that?
110
00:06:21,325 --> 00:06:23,480
I don't want to go
into too much detail, but...
111
00:06:23,828 --> 00:06:25,668
you choke yourself with a belt{\* around your neck},
112
00:06:25,830 --> 00:06:27,919
while masturbating,
dressed up like Batman{\* or something}.
113
00:06:28,044 --> 00:06:29,542
Then you pass out{\* from lack of air},
114
00:06:29,667 --> 00:06:32,669
and apparently, it makes
your orgasm super awesome.
115
00:06:33,099 --> 00:06:34,177
Really?
116
00:06:35,339 --> 00:06:37,674
I don't wanna have
to buy a Batman costume!
117
00:06:39,172 --> 00:06:41,184
Ladies and gentlemen,
for the past {\*several }days
118
00:06:41,352 --> 00:06:44,584
we have been screening {\*our nation's }schools
for signs of sex addition.
119
00:06:44,855 --> 00:06:47,419
The results of our tests
are troubling, to say the least.
120
00:06:47,544 --> 00:06:48,685
Dr. Tonton?
121
00:06:49,239 --> 00:06:53,189
In fourth graders, 5% of male students
were found to be sex addicts.
122
00:06:53,652 --> 00:06:56,179
By sixth grade,
the number goes up to 30%.
123
00:06:56,523 --> 00:06:57,700
At high schools,
124
00:06:57,862 --> 00:07:00,684
nearly 91% of male students answered
125
00:07:01,023 --> 00:07:02,198
"What handkerchief?"
126
00:07:02,797 --> 00:07:05,647
We're facing a sex addiction epidemic
in our country.
127
00:07:05,984 --> 00:07:08,167
Young people all over America
are infected
128
00:07:08,292 --> 00:07:09,902
and at an extreme risk to themselves
129
00:07:10,027 --> 00:07:13,209
and to the people around them.
They're leading lives of secret pain.
130
00:07:13,513 --> 00:07:15,075
And so, these infected boys
131
00:07:15,200 --> 00:07:17,720
will soon be secretly wishing
they could be having sex
132
00:07:17,882 --> 00:07:19,931
all the time
with lots of different people?
133
00:07:20,220 --> 00:07:21,429
It appears so.
134
00:07:21,554 --> 00:07:23,219
The poor bastards.
135
00:07:24,676 --> 00:07:27,099
But what about us,
normal healthy adults?
136
00:07:27,391 --> 00:07:29,086
Are we at risk of exposure?
137
00:07:29,438 --> 00:07:30,602
We don't believe so.
138
00:07:30,727 --> 00:07:34,453
In adult males, for whatever reason,
{\*sex addiction}it only seems to be problematic
139
00:07:34,578 --> 00:07:36,720
amongst rich,
successful celebrities.
140
00:07:37,001 --> 00:07:38,847
However,
we are still collecting data.
141
00:07:39,561 --> 00:07:43,239
{\*Why would}Why'd wealth or success cause a man
to {\*go out and }have sex with everyone he could?
142
00:07:45,409 --> 00:07:47,243
Whatever is causing this outbreak,
143
00:07:47,753 --> 00:07:49,746
we guarantee we will find it.
144
00:07:50,768 --> 00:07:52,578
Kenny, it's time for dinner!
145
00:08:00,063 --> 00:08:02,037
Sunset and evening star,
146
00:08:02,433 --> 00:08:04,205
and one clear call for me!
147
00:08:04,592 --> 00:08:06,769
And may there be
no moaning of the bar,
148
00:08:07,109 --> 00:08:09,272
- when I put out to sea.
- {\*Oh }My God, it's true.
149
00:08:09,440 --> 00:08:11,768
But such a tide
as moving seems asleep,
150
00:08:12,345 --> 00:08:13,770
too full for sound and foam,
151
00:08:14,032 --> 00:08:16,272
when that which drew
from out the boundless deep...
152
00:08:16,636 --> 00:08:18,274
There!
It was like that!
153
00:08:18,749 --> 00:08:20,276
It looked just like that!
154
00:08:23,652 --> 00:08:25,281
Just like this but smaller!
155
00:08:25,664 --> 00:08:27,624
{\*And }Right {\*in the place}where her underwear
should have been!
156
00:08:27,749 --> 00:08:29,573
If I trim it down, it'll look right.
157
00:08:29,698 --> 00:08:30,793
Butters, stop it!
158
00:08:31,175 --> 00:08:33,158
But this is
what I keep seeing in my head!
159
00:08:33,464 --> 00:08:36,512
{\*Butters, }We are sick, don't you get it?
{\*We're going to}We'll end up {\*just }like Kenny!
160
00:08:36,771 --> 00:08:39,515
If I can just see it again,
I'll be fine!
161
00:08:40,081 --> 00:08:40,803
{\*Butters, }Stop!
162
00:08:41,582 --> 00:08:44,020
- Leave me alone!
- Stop it!{\* Stop!}
163
00:08:48,261 --> 00:08:49,025
Oh God!
164
00:08:50,304 --> 00:08:51,527
Help us!
165
00:08:57,783 --> 00:08:59,998
{\pub}{\pos(192,245)}Tiger lines up his drive.
166
00:09:00,869 --> 00:09:02,501
{\pos(192,245)}He'll be hoping for a birdie here.
167
00:09:03,372 --> 00:09:05,003
{\pos(192,245)}Concentration is key.
168
00:09:05,576 --> 00:09:08,711
{\pos(192,245)}You motherfucker!
I never should have married you!
169
00:09:09,378 --> 00:09:10,754
{\pos(192,245)}God dammit, stop it!
170
00:09:10,879 --> 00:09:14,012
{\pos(192,245)}How many women did you fuck?
How many?
171
00:09:14,861 --> 00:09:17,540
- Dude, I clocked you!
- I told you this game was sweet{\*, dude}.
172
00:09:19,062 --> 00:09:21,019
{\pos(192,245)}Hang on.
I'm switching to a seven iron.
173
00:09:24,715 --> 00:09:26,395
Man, I lost another endorsement!
174
00:09:26,520 --> 00:09:28,551
- How'd you do that?
- Hit A and X together.
175
00:09:29,315 --> 00:09:30,529
{\pos(192,245)}Round 2.
176
00:09:31,012 --> 00:09:31,984
{\pos(192,245)}Fight!
177
00:09:33,724 --> 00:09:35,033
You're going down, Elin!
178
00:09:35,225 --> 00:09:37,231
I don't think so{\*, dude}.
I got the prenup power up.
179
00:09:37,740 --> 00:09:39,037
{\pos(192,245)}Prenup power up!
180
00:09:40,707 --> 00:09:43,065
{\pos(192,245)}Prenup, weak!
When did you get that power up?
181
00:09:44,735 --> 00:09:46,044
All right, sex addicts!
182
00:09:46,236 --> 00:09:48,542
What other destructive behaviors
did we engage in,
183
00:09:48,715 --> 00:09:50,892
which lead to our ultimate downfall?
184
00:09:51,754 --> 00:09:53,505
Anyone have another example?
185
00:09:53,720 --> 00:09:55,866
Let's see.
How about... David!
186
00:09:57,968 --> 00:09:59,558
Having sex with employees.
187
00:10:00,346 --> 00:10:03,515
Sex with employees,
definitely a danger there.
188
00:10:03,730 --> 00:10:05,588
What else?
Mr. Clinton?
189
00:10:06,352 --> 00:10:08,316
Putting cigars in girls' vaginas.
190
00:10:08,812 --> 00:10:12,358
Very good, Billy.
Cigars in vaginas.
191
00:10:12,483 --> 00:10:14,304
Not the best idea there.
192
00:10:14,527 --> 00:10:17,070
Watching Internet porn
all day every day?
193
00:10:17,243 --> 00:10:19,101
Spot on, Charlie Sheen.
194
00:10:19,245 --> 00:10:21,825
Excessive Internet porn.
195
00:10:22,115 --> 00:10:24,370
Now, the reason
we are making this list
196
00:10:24,495 --> 00:10:26,585
is that we have new members today!
197
00:10:26,872 --> 00:10:30,088
I want you all to welcome
Kyle and Bummers!
198
00:10:34,437 --> 00:10:37,095
Would you care
to share your stories with us, boys?
199
00:10:39,766 --> 00:10:41,553
{\*Well, }I just found out I'm a sex addict.
200
00:10:41,768 --> 00:10:44,102
I'm so scared.
I haven't even told my mom yet.
201
00:10:44,771 --> 00:10:46,512
Does your mom have big tits?
202
00:10:47,532 --> 00:10:48,302
Sorry.
203
00:10:48,533 --> 00:10:49,608
Me, I just...
204
00:10:49,776 --> 00:10:51,634
I just can't stop thinking
about bush.
205
00:10:52,278 --> 00:10:53,344
I heard that.
206
00:10:53,620 --> 00:10:56,443
{\*I mean, }It's like... What is it?
What does it mean?
207
00:10:56,707 --> 00:10:58,116
Why would there be a bush{\* right there}?
208
00:10:58,284 --> 00:11:00,114
Is it a live bush?
Are there berries?
209
00:11:00,286 --> 00:11:02,445
Mr. Duchovny,
please stop jerking off.
210
00:11:03,313 --> 00:11:04,122
Gee wiz.
211
00:11:05,291 --> 00:11:07,938
To better understand
the sex addiction outbreak
212
00:11:08,144 --> 00:11:10,624
we have been running tests
on chimpanzees.
213
00:11:10,821 --> 00:11:14,003
{\*You can see that }This entire community of specimens
are getting along normally,
214
00:11:14,128 --> 00:11:15,816
some pairing off,
others on their own.
215
00:11:16,096 --> 00:11:17,485
{\*Now, }See this chimp here.
216
00:11:17,692 --> 00:11:21,139
An average, normal adult male.
Blending in seamlessly with the others.
217
00:11:21,808 --> 00:11:24,643
Now watch.
We are going to give it a lot of money.
218
00:11:25,639 --> 00:11:26,640
Go ahead.
219
00:11:48,036 --> 00:11:49,167
My God!
220
00:12:07,983 --> 00:12:10,188
The subject is now isolated
and shunned.
221
00:12:10,699 --> 00:12:13,062
Incredible.
And what is it doing now?
222
00:12:13,258 --> 00:12:15,694
Making a public apology
on its talk show.
223
00:12:19,736 --> 00:12:20,699
Alrighty!{\* Now,}
224
00:12:21,367 --> 00:12:23,702
We all know the destructive behavior
225
00:12:23,894 --> 00:12:26,705
that got us
into this predicament, don't we?
226
00:12:26,982 --> 00:12:30,579
What is the main thing
we've all learned to avoid?
227
00:12:32,456 --> 00:12:34,713
Avoid drugs and alcohol?
228
00:12:36,696 --> 00:12:39,549
No, Tiger.
You still aren't getting it.
229
00:12:40,281 --> 00:12:43,221
In order to make sure
we are no longer destroying our lives
230
00:12:43,413 --> 00:12:46,224
with any of these behaviors,
we must avoid...
231
00:12:46,553 --> 00:12:47,553
Anyone?
232
00:12:47,759 --> 00:12:49,515
Avoid getting... Anyone?
233
00:12:49,932 --> 00:12:50,729
Caught.
234
00:12:50,854 --> 00:12:52,727
Yes, Michael Douglas, everyone?
235
00:12:52,852 --> 00:12:54,059
Getting caught.
236
00:12:54,561 --> 00:12:56,522
Very good!
You are all here in therapy
237
00:12:56,647 --> 00:12:58,232
because you got...
238
00:12:58,586 --> 00:12:59,586
caught!
239
00:12:59,906 --> 00:13:02,765
{\*So, }How to we avoid getting caught?
Ben Roethlisberger.
240
00:13:03,612 --> 00:13:06,745
Don't screw girls
in the public bathrooms?
241
00:13:06,937 --> 00:13:08,701
When they ask you
for money, pay them.
242
00:13:08,875 --> 00:13:09,748
Good{\*, yes}.
243
00:13:10,036 --> 00:13:11,120
Hang on.
244
00:13:11,334 --> 00:13:13,580
We shouldn't be learning
how to not get caught.
245
00:13:13,762 --> 00:13:16,254
We have to take responsibility
for our actions.
246
00:13:19,926 --> 00:13:21,760
What the fuck are you talking about?
247
00:13:23,549 --> 00:13:25,592
We have to accept
that we have a problem
248
00:13:25,773 --> 00:13:28,053
and put the blame
completely on ourselves.
249
00:13:28,679 --> 00:13:30,769
{\*I mean, }Maybe this isn't really
even a disease.
250
00:13:39,469 --> 00:13:40,302
{\*Yeah, }It's me.
251
00:13:41,024 --> 00:13:42,781
We've got a turd in the punch bowl.
252
00:13:43,950 --> 00:13:46,785
I repeat, we have a turd
in the punch bowl.
253
00:13:49,289 --> 00:13:52,290
Mr. President, in every test
the results were the same.
254
00:13:52,680 --> 00:13:54,793
The monkeys who were given cash
always acted out
255
00:13:54,961 --> 00:13:57,166
their sexual addiction
to dangerous levels.
256
00:13:57,291 --> 00:13:59,793
It appears that money
has a direct effect
257
00:13:59,966 --> 00:14:01,800
on the viruses ability to develop.
258
00:14:02,629 --> 00:14:05,804
So we must keep our nation's youth
away from money and success.
259
00:14:06,092 --> 00:14:07,305
No good{\* Mr. President}.
260
00:14:07,551 --> 00:14:10,809
Because we've learned that sex addicts
will find ways to make money
261
00:14:11,013 --> 00:14:13,679
and become successful
in order to feed their addiction.
262
00:14:14,141 --> 00:14:17,339
{\*You mean }Boys will start working
towards being rich and successful
263
00:14:17,561 --> 00:14:20,194
just so they can one day
have sex with lots of women?
264
00:14:21,333 --> 00:14:24,322
That's why we decided
to look at the cash itself for clues.
265
00:14:24,610 --> 00:14:26,825
We tried to find something
in hundred dollar bills
266
00:14:27,017 --> 00:14:29,327
that could explain
why this is happening now.
267
00:14:29,573 --> 00:14:32,330
Then we looked at the backside
and found this.
268
00:14:34,161 --> 00:14:35,333
Independence Hall,
269
00:14:35,831 --> 00:14:37,359
the birthplace of our country.
270
00:14:37,893 --> 00:14:40,334
We believe something is happening
at Independence Hall
271
00:14:40,530 --> 00:14:42,340
that gives money its power over men.
272
00:14:42,942 --> 00:14:44,171
Independence Hall,
273
00:14:44,510 --> 00:14:45,844
Independence Day,
274
00:14:46,590 --> 00:14:47,345
aliens.
275
00:14:48,717 --> 00:14:49,717
Gentlemen,
276
00:14:50,016 --> 00:14:52,661
I might know what's causing
the sex addiction outbreak.
277
00:14:53,055 --> 00:14:54,848
This is highly classified,
278
00:14:55,021 --> 00:14:57,644
but in 1947,
a flying saucer was discovered
279
00:14:57,769 --> 00:14:59,357
in Roswell, New Mexico.
280
00:14:59,872 --> 00:15:02,861
Two deceased alien {\*bodies }were recovered
and hidden from public knowledge.
281
00:15:03,175 --> 00:15:05,363
They carried a virus with them,
282
00:15:05,797 --> 00:15:09,367
{\*a virus }that{\* apparently} was only barely stopped
from spreading all over the country.
283
00:15:10,183 --> 00:15:13,872
And you think these aliens
could be back with a new virus,
284
00:15:14,117 --> 00:15:17,162
{\*one }originating from Independence Hall
causing rich successful men
285
00:15:17,287 --> 00:15:18,901
to have sex with lots of women?
286
00:15:20,046 --> 00:15:22,881
It's the only explanation
that makes any sense.
287
00:15:28,048 --> 00:15:30,212
{\pub}{\pos(192,240)}I want to say that I am deeply sorry
288
00:15:30,356 --> 00:15:32,886
{\pos(192,240)}for my irresponsible
and selfish behavior.
289
00:15:33,622 --> 00:15:36,331
{\pos(192,240)}I know I have severely disappointed
all of you.
290
00:15:36,693 --> 00:15:39,238
{\pos(192,240)}Some have speculated
that my wife somehow hurt
291
00:15:39,363 --> 00:15:41,336
{\pos(192,240)}or attacked me
on Thanksgiving night.
292
00:15:41,573 --> 00:15:44,827
{\pos(192,240)}It angers me that people
would fabricate a story like that.
293
00:15:45,008 --> 00:15:47,079
{\pos(192,240)}She has shown nothing
but grace and poise.
294
00:15:47,204 --> 00:15:48,343
{\pos(192,240)}You motherfucker!
295
00:15:50,145 --> 00:15:52,347
I should have never married you!
296
00:15:52,515 --> 00:15:54,236
- Stop it!
- A porn star?
297
00:15:54,404 --> 00:15:56,351
You screwed a porn star?
298
00:15:57,020 --> 00:15:59,354
{\*Oh dude, }You found another girl's phone number
on my cell phone?
299
00:15:59,479 --> 00:16:01,063
{\*Yeah, }Back in that water level.
300
00:16:02,913 --> 00:16:05,013
Is Kyle still
at sex addiction therapy?
301
00:16:05,138 --> 00:16:06,749
That must be really intense.
302
00:16:11,922 --> 00:16:13,433
{\*Okay, so }What exactly are we doing now?
303
00:16:13,777 --> 00:16:17,760
We are on our way to help take care
of your diseases once and for all!
304
00:16:18,069 --> 00:16:20,262
Good,
'cause I really can't take it anymore.
305
00:16:20,430 --> 00:16:23,265
Don't worry. As soon as it's dead,
everything will make sense.
306
00:16:24,935 --> 00:16:26,268
As soon as what's dead?
307
00:16:26,436 --> 00:16:28,161
- Jesus!
- He just doesn't get it!
308
00:16:28,438 --> 00:16:31,093
The infected alien
that they just discovered is hiding out
309
00:16:31,218 --> 00:16:32,888
at Independence Hall!
310
00:16:44,454 --> 00:16:46,401
Entrance is clear, Mr. President!
311
00:16:48,265 --> 00:16:51,120
Mr. President, you aren't safe here,
let us handle this.
312
00:16:51,461 --> 00:16:52,656
Right side clear!
313
00:16:52,963 --> 00:16:54,104
We must be careful.
314
00:16:54,229 --> 00:16:57,299
The alien could have cast
some kind of spell of invisibility.
315
00:16:57,547 --> 00:17:00,030
Which would mean
that the alien is also a wizard.
316
00:17:00,356 --> 00:17:01,917
{\*Yes!}It explains everything!
317
00:17:02,042 --> 00:17:05,420
A wizard alien would be able
to cast a spell on our species.
318
00:17:05,741 --> 00:17:08,310
Causing all the men
to become sex addicts.
319
00:17:08,478 --> 00:17:09,311
Enough!
320
00:17:09,436 --> 00:17:11,814
We've to find the wizard alien
and break his spell!
321
00:17:11,982 --> 00:17:14,429
Okay, okay.
All right, hang on guys.
322
00:17:14,791 --> 00:17:16,794
{\*I mean }Come on,
this is getting a little ridiculous.
323
00:17:16,919 --> 00:17:17,933
Wizard alien?
324
00:17:18,170 --> 00:17:20,435
We all know
what's going on here, don't we?
325
00:17:21,256 --> 00:17:24,259
Whenever a story breaks
about some rich {\*famous }guy going around
326
00:17:24,384 --> 00:17:27,943
and having sex with tons of girls,
we all {\*want to }act like we don't understand it.
327
00:17:28,111 --> 00:17:28,944
But we do.
328
00:17:29,275 --> 00:17:30,626
We're guys, you know?
329
00:17:30,751 --> 00:17:32,991
Our brains are wired
to strive to be the alpha male,
330
00:17:33,116 --> 00:17:34,543
{\*and }get all the women that we can.
331
00:17:35,256 --> 00:17:36,338
{\*I mean, }Look where we are!
332
00:17:36,597 --> 00:17:39,454
Even Benjamin Franklin
screwed everything that moved,
333
00:17:39,579 --> 00:17:40,817
because he could.
334
00:17:40,942 --> 00:17:44,112
We don't have to condone
what these rich famous people do,
335
00:17:44,237 --> 00:17:46,648
but we can at least admit
that given the same temptations
336
00:17:46,773 --> 00:17:49,464
and opportunities
that somebody like Tiger Woods has,
337
00:17:49,826 --> 00:17:52,467
a lot of guys
might do something similar.
338
00:17:56,639 --> 00:17:58,974
We have a turd in the punch bowl.
339
00:17:59,202 --> 00:18:00,475
Turd in the punch bowl.
340
00:18:00,979 --> 00:18:03,478
What are you doing?
{\*Come on!}Where are you taking me?
341
00:18:04,034 --> 00:18:05,981
{\pos(192,230)}Ten city blocks have been shut down
342
00:18:06,106 --> 00:18:09,388
{\pos(192,230)}because an alien is believed
to have taken refuge here,
343
00:18:09,539 --> 00:18:10,737
{\pos(192,230)}in Independence Hall.
344
00:18:10,984 --> 00:18:13,976
{\pos(192,230)}By all accounts
the alien is also a wizard,
345
00:18:14,101 --> 00:18:16,421
{\pos(192,230)}who could very easily be
the cause of the outbreak
346
00:18:16,546 --> 00:18:18,493
{\pos(192,230)}of sex addiction in our country!
347
00:18:23,053 --> 00:18:24,253
{\*Mr. President!}Here they are!
348
00:18:25,504 --> 00:18:27,137
This is the boy I told you about.
349
00:18:27,262 --> 00:18:29,504
- And his friend, Bummers.
- Son,
350
00:18:29,867 --> 00:18:33,008
we were told that you think
sex addition can be controlled,
351
00:18:33,286 --> 00:18:35,510
that it just takes restraint.
Is that true?
352
00:18:36,566 --> 00:18:39,786
I just think I'd rather control it
instead of blame it on anything.
353
00:18:40,570 --> 00:18:41,516
Amazing!
354
00:18:41,781 --> 00:18:44,339
{\*Then }The wizard alien's spell
might not have any power over him!
355
00:18:44,464 --> 00:18:47,718
- He could draw the bastard out!
- Quick! Give that boy a gun!
356
00:18:48,230 --> 00:18:50,412
- What?
- You better take one too!
357
00:18:51,081 --> 00:18:52,741
{\*All right.}Everyone to the stairwell!
358
00:18:52,866 --> 00:18:55,530
- The bastard has gotta be upstairs!
- What bastard?
359
00:18:55,834 --> 00:18:59,020
The alien wizard hiding out here!
Come on, we've got to...
360
00:19:02,092 --> 00:19:03,425
What the hell was that?
361
00:19:03,667 --> 00:19:05,540
I got a bad feeling about this.
362
00:19:09,267 --> 00:19:11,720
- {\*Oh }My God, there it is!
- It's the alien wizard!
363
00:19:12,102 --> 00:19:14,049
It's gonna get you boys!
Shoot it!
364
00:19:18,290 --> 00:19:20,555
- Shoot it, boys!
- You have to shoot it!
365
00:19:23,113 --> 00:19:24,446
{\*Shoot it }Again!
It's still alive!
366
00:19:27,039 --> 00:19:28,159
You gotta reload!
367
00:19:31,121 --> 00:19:33,216
Keep firing, boys!
Shoot it in the heart!
368
00:19:34,932 --> 00:19:37,572
- Keep shooting it!
- Shoot him in his blabber mouth!
369
00:19:43,858 --> 00:19:45,580
My God, they've done it!
370
00:19:50,753 --> 00:19:53,088
{\*Look!}The sex addiction!
It's leaving my body!
371
00:19:53,213 --> 00:19:55,090
I can feel it!
I'm free!
372
00:19:55,645 --> 00:19:56,787
We are healed!
373
00:20:01,398 --> 00:20:02,398
We watched
374
00:20:02,793 --> 00:20:05,100
as sex addiction
ran rampant through our country.
375
00:20:05,483 --> 00:20:07,102
It devastated families.
376
00:20:07,979 --> 00:20:11,606
But once again,
our great country has risen up as one.
377
00:20:12,302 --> 00:20:14,109
The wizard alien is dead.
378
00:20:14,717 --> 00:20:16,611
Sex addiction is no more.
379
00:20:16,980 --> 00:20:19,114
And if a rich celebrity
is caught again
380
00:20:19,239 --> 00:20:20,936
trying to screw lots of women,
381
00:20:21,061 --> 00:20:23,618
we'll now know it isn't
because men are just like that,
382
00:20:23,806 --> 00:20:27,122
it's because a wizard alien
has cast his mighty spell.
383
00:20:30,985 --> 00:20:33,628
I'm so glad it's over, Sharon,
aren't you?
384
00:20:34,251 --> 00:20:37,019
We are now with the young boys
who helped stop the alien.
385
00:20:37,744 --> 00:20:40,135
{\*Boys, }How does it feel
to be free of your illness?
386
00:20:41,347 --> 00:20:43,583
I guess it feels great.
387
00:20:43,708 --> 00:20:44,639
Thanks.
388
00:20:45,195 --> 00:20:48,143
Yeah, it feels great!
I never wanna see bush again!
389
00:20:48,796 --> 00:20:51,049
I finally paid a lady
to show me hers.
390
00:20:51,201 --> 00:20:53,148
You wanna know
what's under that bush?
391
00:20:53,273 --> 00:20:56,151
Nothin' but a pair
of sick joker lips!
392
00:20:56,930 --> 00:20:59,154
{\pos(192,240)}I am so happy that I am cured,
393
00:20:59,279 --> 00:21:02,436
{\pos(192,240)}and no longer have any desire
to have sex with anyone,
394
00:21:02,561 --> 00:21:04,046
{\pos(192,240)}but my beautiful wife.
395
00:21:04,286 --> 00:21:05,981
{\pos(192,240)}Now I can be faithful,
396
00:21:06,106 --> 00:21:08,942
{\pos(192,240)}and my wife won't feel
any need to get revenge
397
00:21:09,067 --> 00:21:11,053
{\pos(192,240)}by sleeping with a bunch of guys.
398
00:21:15,338 --> 00:21:18,173
{\pos(192,240)}So I officially announce
my return to golf!
399
00:21:30,964 --> 00:21:33,188
What the hell?
This game's all boring now.
400
00:21:33,550 --> 00:21:35,190
{\*Yeah, }Where's all the fighting?
401
00:21:36,246 --> 00:21:38,693
{\*Dude, }Screw this. Who wants to hit
a dumb little ball around?
402
00:21:39,308 --> 00:21:40,695
Golf is stupid again.