1 00:00:01,919 --> 00:00:04,714 And now a fireside chat with the creators of Comedy 2 00:00:04,839 --> 00:00:08,843 Central's "South Park," Matt Stone and Trey Parker. 3 00:00:14,890 --> 00:00:16,892 Oh, hello. I'm Trey Parker. 4 00:00:17,018 --> 00:00:18,227 And I'm Matt Stone. 5 00:00:18,352 --> 00:00:19,478 And this here is old Scratch. 6 00:00:19,603 --> 00:00:21,480 Say hi, old fella. 7 00:00:21,605 --> 00:00:24,483 This episode of "South Park" is called "Weight Gain 4000," 8 00:00:24,608 --> 00:00:26,777 and it's by far our favorite episode. 9 00:00:26,902 --> 00:00:29,739 It's all about Kathie Lee Gifford coming to "South Park" 10 00:00:29,864 --> 00:00:34,035 and Eric Cartman trying to beef himself up for the big day. 11 00:00:34,160 --> 00:00:36,328 Exactly how much weight does Eric Cartman gain 12 00:00:36,454 --> 00:00:37,955 in this episode? 13 00:00:38,080 --> 00:00:39,623 Well, after Eric Cartman starts eating 14 00:00:39,749 --> 00:00:42,126 the Weight Gain 4000, he gains 700 pounds. 15 00:00:42,251 --> 00:00:44,336 That makes him almost as heavy as Sally Struthers. 16 00:00:44,462 --> 00:00:47,798 Has Kathie Lee Gifford ever offended you in some fashion? 17 00:00:47,923 --> 00:00:50,384 Was she flattered by her depiction here? 18 00:00:50,509 --> 00:00:51,886 Well, we don't really care, 19 00:00:52,011 --> 00:00:53,012 because Kathie Lee Gifford is a... 20 00:00:53,137 --> 00:00:55,014 Very wonderful woman. 21 00:00:55,139 --> 00:00:59,894 Both Trey and I really, really respect her work with Regis. 22 00:01:00,019 --> 00:01:01,395 Guns and bullets seem to be 23 00:01:01,520 --> 00:01:02,980 a recurring theme in "South Park." 24 00:01:03,105 --> 00:01:05,983 Have either of you ever killed anyone? 25 00:01:06,108 --> 00:01:11,030 I would never kill somebody, unless they pissed me off. 26 00:01:11,155 --> 00:01:12,823 Guys, why do you keep killing off poor Kenny? 27 00:01:12,948 --> 00:01:14,700 What did he ever do to you? 28 00:01:14,825 --> 00:01:17,912 Well, Kenny is definitely our favorite character. 29 00:01:18,037 --> 00:01:19,914 And even though he is our favorite character, 30 00:01:20,039 --> 00:01:21,707 we feel we have to kill him in every episode, 31 00:01:21,832 --> 00:01:23,542 and this one of our favorite deaths in this one. 32 00:01:23,667 --> 00:01:26,045 How does someone create a show like "South Park" 33 00:01:26,170 --> 00:01:27,588 and remain as pure and wholesome 34 00:01:27,713 --> 00:01:29,423 as you both appear to be? 35 00:01:29,548 --> 00:01:31,300 You know, everyone thinks that in order to do 36 00:01:31,425 --> 00:01:33,761 "South Park" we must be wild, crazy rock 'n roll stars, 37 00:01:33,886 --> 00:01:36,347 but the truth is, we're just wholesome middle-American guys. 38 00:01:36,472 --> 00:01:39,308 We enjoy soda pop, baseball, and beating up old people 39 00:01:39,433 --> 00:01:40,768 just as much as anybody. 40 00:01:42,728 --> 00:01:47,149 So now sit back, relax, and enjoy "Weight Gain 4000." 41 00:01:47,274 --> 00:01:50,361 ## 42 00:02:00,412 --> 00:02:01,789 # I'm going down to South Park # 43 00:02:01,914 --> 00:02:03,791 # Gonna have myself a time # 44 00:02:03,916 --> 00:02:05,501 All: # Friendly faces everywhere # 45 00:02:05,626 --> 00:02:07,044 # Humble folks without temptation # 46 00:02:07,169 --> 00:02:08,504 # Going down to South Park # 47 00:02:08,629 --> 00:02:10,339 # Gonna leave my woes behind # 48 00:02:10,464 --> 00:02:12,049 # Ample parking day or night # 49 00:02:12,174 --> 00:02:13,551 # People spouting: "Howdy neighbor." # 50 00:02:13,676 --> 00:02:15,052 # Headed on up to South Park # 51 00:02:15,177 --> 00:02:16,804 # Gonna see if I can't unwind # 52 00:02:20,099 --> 00:02:21,475 # So come on down to South Park # 53 00:02:21,600 --> 00:02:23,269 # And meet some friends of mine # 54 00:02:26,063 --> 00:02:28,232 Hey, Stan, did you see that rainbow this morning? 55 00:02:28,357 --> 00:02:29,817 Yeah, it was huge. 56 00:02:29,942 --> 00:02:31,694 Ugh, I hate those things. 57 00:02:31,819 --> 00:02:33,404 Nobody hates rainbows. 58 00:02:33,529 --> 00:02:35,614 Yeah, what's there to hate about rainbows? 59 00:02:35,739 --> 00:02:38,701 Well, you know, you'll just be sitting there 60 00:02:38,826 --> 00:02:41,704 minding your own business, and they'll come marching in 61 00:02:41,829 --> 00:02:43,831 and crawl up your leg and start biting 62 00:02:43,956 --> 00:02:45,166 the inside of your ass. 63 00:02:45,291 --> 00:02:47,168 And you'll be all like, "Hey, 64 00:02:47,293 --> 00:02:50,546 get out of my ass, you stupid rainbows." 65 00:02:52,173 --> 00:02:54,008 Cartman, what the hell are you talking about? 66 00:02:54,133 --> 00:02:55,926 I'm talking about rainbows. 67 00:02:56,051 --> 00:02:57,720 I hate those friggin' things. 68 00:02:57,845 --> 00:02:59,180 Rainbows are those arches of color 69 00:02:59,305 --> 00:03:00,556 that show up during a rainstorm. 70 00:03:02,183 --> 00:03:04,059 Oh, rainbows. 71 00:03:04,185 --> 00:03:05,227 Oh, yeah, I like those. 72 00:03:05,352 --> 00:03:06,478 Those are cool. 73 00:03:06,604 --> 00:03:07,730 What were you talking about? 74 00:03:07,855 --> 00:03:09,815 Heh? Oh, nothing. Forget it. 75 00:03:09,940 --> 00:03:11,984 No, what marches in, crawls up your leg... 76 00:03:12,109 --> 00:03:13,235 Nothing. And bites the inside 77 00:03:13,360 --> 00:03:15,237 of your ass? Nothing. 78 00:03:15,362 --> 00:03:17,281 Children, children, remember the Save Our Fragile Planet 79 00:03:17,406 --> 00:03:19,366 essay contest that you children worked 80 00:03:19,491 --> 00:03:21,160 so hard on last month? 81 00:03:23,495 --> 00:03:25,831 One of our very own South Park students has won 82 00:03:25,956 --> 00:03:27,249 the national prize. 83 00:03:28,542 --> 00:03:30,502 Wow, I knew I would win. 84 00:03:30,628 --> 00:03:33,130 Gosh, Mr. Garrison, this sure is exciting. 85 00:03:33,255 --> 00:03:34,965 That's right, Mr. Hat. 86 00:03:35,090 --> 00:03:36,675 The winner of the national Save Our Fragile Planet 87 00:03:36,800 --> 00:03:40,095 contest is... Eric Cartman. 88 00:03:40,221 --> 00:03:41,639 What? What? 89 00:03:41,764 --> 00:03:43,307 Congratulations, Eric, on writing 90 00:03:43,432 --> 00:03:44,934 the award-winning paper. 91 00:03:45,059 --> 00:03:46,352 Kick ass. 92 00:03:46,477 --> 00:03:48,229 That's impossible. 93 00:03:48,354 --> 00:03:50,189 Cartman doesn't know a rain forest from a Pop-Tart. 94 00:03:50,314 --> 00:03:52,524 Yeah, I do. Pop-Tarts are frosted. 95 00:03:52,650 --> 00:03:54,610 Out of over a million papers, 96 00:03:54,735 --> 00:03:57,029 Eric's was chosen as the grand prize winner. 97 00:03:57,154 --> 00:03:59,114 Wow, what did you write about, Cartman? 98 00:03:59,240 --> 00:04:01,408 Oh, you know, this and that. 99 00:04:01,533 --> 00:04:03,535 He doesn't even know what he wrote about. 100 00:04:03,661 --> 00:04:05,454 What was your paper about, Wendy? 101 00:04:05,579 --> 00:04:08,832 My paper was on the suffering of bottle-nosed dolphins. 102 00:04:08,958 --> 00:04:10,501 Well, you see, you shouldn't have written 103 00:04:10,626 --> 00:04:11,961 a paper about dolphins. 104 00:04:12,086 --> 00:04:13,879 Dolphins are stupid. 105 00:04:14,004 --> 00:04:15,547 Dude, dolphins are, like, the second-smartest animal 106 00:04:15,673 --> 00:04:16,632 on the planet. 107 00:04:16,757 --> 00:04:18,300 Oh, right. 108 00:04:18,425 --> 00:04:20,761 If they're so damn smart, how come they get caught 109 00:04:20,886 --> 00:04:22,930 in those fishing nets all the time? 110 00:04:23,055 --> 00:04:24,932 What? Wait, wait, there's more. 111 00:04:25,057 --> 00:04:27,726 It says here that Eric's trophy 112 00:04:27,851 --> 00:04:31,272 will be presented to him by... 113 00:04:31,397 --> 00:04:33,023 Kathie Lee Gifford? 114 00:04:33,148 --> 00:04:35,150 Kathie Lee is coming to South Park? 115 00:04:35,276 --> 00:04:38,195 And the presentation will be on national television. 116 00:04:38,320 --> 00:04:39,655 Both: Television? 117 00:04:39,780 --> 00:04:42,157 Kathie Lee Gifford. 118 00:04:42,283 --> 00:04:43,742 I don't believe it. 119 00:04:43,867 --> 00:04:47,329 Kathie Lee Gifford in South Park. 120 00:04:47,454 --> 00:04:49,290 Oh, my God. 121 00:04:49,415 --> 00:04:52,209 This is our chance to make a name for ourselves, to show 122 00:04:52,334 --> 00:04:54,753 that we're not some pissant, white-bread mountain town. 123 00:04:54,878 --> 00:04:57,589 Better yet, it's a chance for you to get some publicity. 124 00:04:57,715 --> 00:05:00,968 Yes, if I can show just how much I've turned South Park 125 00:05:01,093 --> 00:05:03,304 around, I could become a senator. 126 00:05:03,429 --> 00:05:05,222 Maybe even a state senator. 127 00:05:05,347 --> 00:05:07,641 Mayor, we should decorate the town square. 128 00:05:07,766 --> 00:05:10,311 Then we should have the chef of the school cafeteria sing 129 00:05:10,436 --> 00:05:13,314 a song and play up the ethnic diversity of our town. 130 00:05:13,439 --> 00:05:14,523 That's right. 131 00:05:14,648 --> 00:05:16,150 He's a black guy, isn't he? 132 00:05:16,275 --> 00:05:18,068 Black as the night itself, Mayor. 133 00:05:18,193 --> 00:05:21,238 Yes, and we can even have the children of South Park 134 00:05:21,363 --> 00:05:22,614 put on a little play. 135 00:05:22,740 --> 00:05:24,616 Kathie Lee loves children. 136 00:05:24,742 --> 00:05:26,410 If they're working in a sweatshop, that is. 137 00:05:26,535 --> 00:05:27,661 Oh! Ouch. 138 00:05:27,786 --> 00:05:29,663 Thank you. 139 00:05:29,788 --> 00:05:31,540 You guys, guess what. 140 00:05:31,665 --> 00:05:35,294 After I'm on television, I'm gonna be totally famous. 141 00:05:35,419 --> 00:05:37,171 Hitler was famous too. 142 00:05:37,296 --> 00:05:38,297 Hello there, children. 143 00:05:38,422 --> 00:05:39,798 Both: Hey, Chef. 144 00:05:39,923 --> 00:05:41,050 How are my little crackers today? 145 00:05:41,175 --> 00:05:42,509 Good. 146 00:05:42,634 --> 00:05:44,219 Did y'all hear about the news? 147 00:05:44,345 --> 00:05:45,888 Kathie Lee Gifford is coming to South Park. 148 00:05:46,013 --> 00:05:47,306 Yeah, 'cause Cartman cheated and won 149 00:05:47,431 --> 00:05:48,891 the environmental essay contest. 150 00:05:49,016 --> 00:05:50,517 Hey! Yeah, yeah, whatever. 151 00:05:50,642 --> 00:05:53,437 But the mayor just called and asked me 152 00:05:53,562 --> 00:05:55,230 to sing at the ceremony. 153 00:05:55,356 --> 00:05:56,690 Wow, are you gonna do it? 154 00:05:56,815 --> 00:05:58,692 Of course. 155 00:05:58,817 --> 00:06:02,363 Kathie Lee is a beautiful, sultry queen of sexual fantasy. 156 00:06:02,488 --> 00:06:04,740 And if I sing to her, maybe I can lure her into 157 00:06:04,865 --> 00:06:08,327 a night of exotic delectation. 158 00:06:08,452 --> 00:06:10,079 Yeah, that'd be cool. 159 00:06:12,081 --> 00:06:15,501 Well, three times bigger than Frank Gifford's, anyway. 160 00:06:15,626 --> 00:06:18,087 Oh, I can't even concentrate on grading papers 161 00:06:18,212 --> 00:06:19,797 with all this excitement. 162 00:06:21,507 --> 00:06:23,592 Why are you looking at me like that, Mr. Hat? 163 00:06:23,717 --> 00:06:26,053 Have you forgotten about all the pain and suffering 164 00:06:26,178 --> 00:06:28,097 that Kathie Lee Gifford caused you? 165 00:06:28,222 --> 00:06:31,183 Mr. Hat, that was a long time ago, and... 166 00:06:31,308 --> 00:06:32,893 And I was only a child. 167 00:06:33,018 --> 00:06:34,812 We could've won that talent show. 168 00:06:34,937 --> 00:06:36,605 We could've been huge. 169 00:06:36,730 --> 00:06:38,065 Knock-knock, Mr. Hat. 170 00:06:38,190 --> 00:06:39,942 Who's there? Orange. 171 00:06:40,067 --> 00:06:41,485 Orange who? 172 00:06:41,610 --> 00:06:43,862 Orange you glad I didn't say banana? 173 00:06:45,989 --> 00:06:47,783 Thank you. 174 00:06:49,368 --> 00:06:52,121 Wow, Mr. Hat, looks like we might win. 175 00:06:52,246 --> 00:06:58,419 And now, our last talent show finalist, Kathie Lee Epstein. 176 00:06:58,544 --> 00:07:01,505 # If they could see me now, that little gang of mine # 177 00:07:01,630 --> 00:07:03,924 # I'm eating fancy chow and drinking fancy wine # 178 00:07:04,049 --> 00:07:06,468 # I'd like those stumble bums to see for a fact # 179 00:07:06,593 --> 00:07:09,513 # The kind of top-drawer first-rate chums I attract # 180 00:07:09,638 --> 00:07:12,182 # All I can say is wowee, look at where I am # 181 00:07:12,307 --> 00:07:15,018 # Tonight I landed pow right in a pot of jam # 182 00:07:15,144 --> 00:07:17,688 # What a setup, holy cow, they'd never believe it # 183 00:07:17,813 --> 00:07:20,941 # If my friends could see me now # 184 00:07:28,365 --> 00:07:29,616 It wasn't fair. 185 00:07:29,741 --> 00:07:31,368 She had choreography. 186 00:07:31,493 --> 00:07:33,245 How could we compete with that? 187 00:07:33,370 --> 00:07:35,497 But now she's coming to South Park, 188 00:07:35,622 --> 00:07:37,791 and I know a way to make it all better. 189 00:07:37,916 --> 00:07:39,209 How? 190 00:07:39,334 --> 00:07:41,462 No, Mr. Hat. 191 00:07:41,587 --> 00:07:43,380 I couldn't... 192 00:07:43,505 --> 00:07:47,426 kill Kathie Lee Gifford. 193 00:07:50,304 --> 00:07:52,055 Children, as you all know, 194 00:07:52,181 --> 00:07:55,559 Ms. Kathie Lee Gifford will be in South Park to present 195 00:07:55,684 --> 00:07:57,644 the award to some kid for an essay. 196 00:07:57,769 --> 00:07:59,605 That kid is me. Whatever. 197 00:07:59,730 --> 00:08:02,858 Now, I'm going to have you luscious little youngsters 198 00:08:02,983 --> 00:08:06,320 do a play about the history of South Park. 199 00:08:06,445 --> 00:08:08,697 That'll be wonderful, won't it, Mr. Hat? 200 00:08:08,822 --> 00:08:10,699 Kill her. Mr. Hat. 201 00:08:10,824 --> 00:08:13,952 Mr. Garrison, I'm asking you to direct our little play. 202 00:08:14,077 --> 00:08:15,662 Oh, that's perfect. 203 00:08:15,787 --> 00:08:18,165 You see, Mr. Hat, we don't have to kill her. 204 00:08:18,290 --> 00:08:19,917 We can just upstage her. 205 00:08:20,042 --> 00:08:21,376 Mrs. Mayor, 206 00:08:21,502 --> 00:08:22,920 you might want to review the essays. 207 00:08:23,045 --> 00:08:24,796 We think Cartman might have cheated. 208 00:08:24,922 --> 00:08:26,715 Who cares? 209 00:08:26,840 --> 00:08:31,470 Now, kids, what's say we give it our South Park best? 210 00:08:32,888 --> 00:08:35,265 And who's our little prizewinner again? 211 00:08:35,390 --> 00:08:37,059 Me, Eric Cartman. 212 00:08:37,184 --> 00:08:38,894 How about we get in shape, huh? 213 00:08:39,019 --> 00:08:41,772 We want to look our best for the TV cameras, don't we? 214 00:08:41,897 --> 00:08:43,148 Yes, ma'am. 215 00:08:43,273 --> 00:08:44,858 # I'm gonna be on television # 216 00:08:44,983 --> 00:08:46,985 # I'm gonna be on television # 217 00:08:48,779 --> 00:08:50,614 # I'm gonna be on television # 218 00:08:50,739 --> 00:08:52,574 # I'm gonna be on television # 219 00:08:52,699 --> 00:08:54,159 We don't believe for a minute that you won that 220 00:08:54,284 --> 00:08:55,869 contest fairly, fat boy. 221 00:08:55,994 --> 00:08:57,996 Ugh, stop defending your little girlfriend 222 00:08:58,121 --> 00:09:00,332 for writing about some stupid fish. 223 00:09:00,457 --> 00:09:02,751 Dude, dolphins are intelligent and friendly. 224 00:09:02,876 --> 00:09:05,337 Intelligent and friendly on rye bread with some mayonnaise. 225 00:09:05,462 --> 00:09:07,172 Dolphins are way smarter than you. 226 00:09:07,297 --> 00:09:09,883 If they're so smart, why do they live in igloos? 227 00:09:10,008 --> 00:09:11,218 Dolphins don't live in igloos. 228 00:09:11,343 --> 00:09:12,511 That's Eskimos. 229 00:09:12,636 --> 00:09:14,221 Dolphins, Eskimos, who cares? 230 00:09:14,346 --> 00:09:16,890 It's all a bunch of tree-hugging hippie crap. 231 00:09:17,015 --> 00:09:18,141 Tell me what you wrote about. 232 00:09:18,267 --> 00:09:19,518 I can't. 233 00:09:19,643 --> 00:09:20,894 I have to go home and get in shape. 234 00:09:21,019 --> 00:09:22,354 Yeah, right. 235 00:09:22,479 --> 00:09:23,855 You'll go and sit in front of the TV 236 00:09:23,981 --> 00:09:25,399 and eat Cheesy Poofs, ass-master. 237 00:09:25,524 --> 00:09:27,025 Screw you, hippie. 238 00:09:28,277 --> 00:09:31,738 We'll be right back to "Jesus and Pals" after this. 239 00:09:31,863 --> 00:09:34,074 Hey, do you need to get in shape fast? 240 00:09:34,199 --> 00:09:35,867 Wanna look your best? 241 00:09:35,993 --> 00:09:37,619 Tired of the other guys getting all the chicks? 242 00:09:37,744 --> 00:09:39,204 Are you tired of being a 90-pound weakling? 243 00:09:39,329 --> 00:09:41,373 Yeah, I only weigh 90 pounds. 244 00:09:41,498 --> 00:09:44,585 Then bulk up quick with Weight Gain 4000. 245 00:09:44,710 --> 00:09:46,420 Yes. Over 4,000 grams 246 00:09:46,545 --> 00:09:48,130 of saturated fat per serving, 247 00:09:48,255 --> 00:09:50,048 its patented formula is designed 248 00:09:50,173 --> 00:09:52,551 to enter the mouth and go directly to the stomach, 249 00:09:52,676 --> 00:09:54,636 where it is distributed to the bloodstream. 250 00:09:54,761 --> 00:09:56,555 Now available at stores everywhere. 251 00:09:56,680 --> 00:09:59,224 Get some today, and say it with me, "Beefcake." 252 00:09:59,349 --> 00:10:00,601 Beefcake. Beefcake! 253 00:10:00,726 --> 00:10:01,810 Beefcake! Beefcake! 254 00:10:01,935 --> 00:10:03,812 Beefcake! 255 00:10:03,937 --> 00:10:05,439 May cause irreversible damage to the kidneys and liver. 256 00:10:05,564 --> 00:10:09,026 Mom, can you get me some Weight Gain 4000? 257 00:10:09,151 --> 00:10:12,404 Okay, Eric, I'll get you some at the store tomorrow. 258 00:10:12,529 --> 00:10:15,532 But, Mom, I need it for tomorrow. 259 00:10:15,657 --> 00:10:18,493 But tomorrow is grocery day, Eric. 260 00:10:18,619 --> 00:10:21,330 Mom. 261 00:10:21,455 --> 00:10:23,206 Okay, okay. 262 00:10:23,332 --> 00:10:25,917 Well, I guess I'll be going to the store now, then. 263 00:10:28,253 --> 00:10:31,131 # If they could see me now, that little gang of mine # 264 00:10:31,256 --> 00:10:32,257 # I'm eating fancy chow and drinking... # 265 00:10:32,382 --> 00:10:33,925 No! No! 266 00:10:35,177 --> 00:10:36,845 Kill her. 267 00:10:36,970 --> 00:10:39,056 No, Mr. Hat. I won't do it. 268 00:10:39,181 --> 00:10:42,726 Kill. 269 00:10:42,851 --> 00:10:44,353 That does it. 270 00:10:44,478 --> 00:10:47,814 You're going in the dresser drawer, Mr. Hat. 271 00:10:47,939 --> 00:10:50,525 She'll make a fool of you again. 272 00:10:50,651 --> 00:10:53,070 Well, you can just stay in that drawer, negative Nancy. 273 00:10:53,195 --> 00:10:54,780 Hey, dudes. 274 00:10:54,905 --> 00:10:56,448 What the hell is wrong with you, Cartman? 275 00:10:56,573 --> 00:10:57,699 Haven't you noticed the three feet of snow 276 00:10:57,824 --> 00:10:59,660 on the ground? 277 00:10:59,785 --> 00:11:01,745 Listen, I have a nice body, and I want to show it off. 278 00:11:01,870 --> 00:11:03,330 You got that? 279 00:11:03,455 --> 00:11:05,123 What? You've got to weigh 90 pounds. 280 00:11:05,248 --> 00:11:07,459 I'm up to 94, thank you very much. 281 00:11:09,336 --> 00:11:11,463 Yeah, they're almost as big as his mom's. 282 00:11:12,756 --> 00:11:14,466 Laugh all you want. 283 00:11:14,591 --> 00:11:16,968 I'll the one who's gonna be on TV looking all buff. 284 00:11:17,094 --> 00:11:19,596 What's that stuff? Weight Gain 4000. 285 00:11:19,721 --> 00:11:21,181 It's helping me bulk up. 286 00:11:21,306 --> 00:11:22,974 Bulk up to what, fat-ass? 287 00:11:23,100 --> 00:11:24,643 Super fat-ass? 288 00:11:24,768 --> 00:11:26,395 Hey, I don't have to take that kind of crap 289 00:11:26,520 --> 00:11:29,773 from you scrawny weaklings. 290 00:11:31,650 --> 00:11:33,360 Sweet, check me out. 291 00:11:33,485 --> 00:11:36,738 I'm such a beefcake I can't get through the door. 292 00:11:36,863 --> 00:11:38,323 Come on, people. 293 00:11:38,448 --> 00:11:40,325 We've got to turn this place around. 294 00:11:40,450 --> 00:11:42,994 Hang up the lights, string up the banners, 295 00:11:43,120 --> 00:11:44,663 castrate the cows. 296 00:11:46,581 --> 00:11:49,960 Well, Mr. Garrison, how is the little play going? 297 00:11:50,085 --> 00:11:51,628 Huh? Oh, fine. 298 00:11:51,753 --> 00:11:53,088 We were just about to run it from the top. 299 00:11:53,213 --> 00:11:54,548 Oh, please do. 300 00:11:54,673 --> 00:11:56,550 I'm dying to see it. 301 00:11:56,675 --> 00:12:00,095 Okay, all the little pioneers on this side of the stage. 302 00:12:00,220 --> 00:12:01,972 Good, and all the little Indians 303 00:12:02,097 --> 00:12:03,640 go to the center of the stage. 304 00:12:03,765 --> 00:12:06,101 Am I an Indian or a pioneer? 305 00:12:06,226 --> 00:12:07,561 Do you have a feather on your head? 306 00:12:07,686 --> 00:12:09,521 Yes. Then you're an Indian. 307 00:12:09,646 --> 00:12:10,772 Oh. 308 00:12:10,897 --> 00:12:12,649 Okay, Bebe, this is your line. 309 00:12:12,774 --> 00:12:16,194 This is the story of South Park. 310 00:12:16,319 --> 00:12:19,322 It begins over 100 years ago 311 00:12:19,448 --> 00:12:24,327 when the noble and hearty Ute Indians lived on the land. 312 00:12:27,998 --> 00:12:30,542 Oh, don't they look adorable? 313 00:12:30,667 --> 00:12:34,629 Then from the East came the great white pioneers. 314 00:12:34,755 --> 00:12:38,884 Ahh! 315 00:12:39,968 --> 00:12:41,470 Oh, my God. 316 00:12:41,595 --> 00:12:43,305 They did it a lot better this morning. 317 00:12:43,430 --> 00:12:44,848 They had more energy. 318 00:12:44,973 --> 00:12:47,642 The pioneers met with the Indians 319 00:12:47,768 --> 00:12:51,938 and negotiated for their fertile lands. 320 00:12:52,063 --> 00:12:54,524 Mr. Garrison, we cannot have our children 321 00:12:54,649 --> 00:12:57,402 beating each other senseless in front of Kathie Lee Gifford. 322 00:12:57,527 --> 00:12:58,987 Well, what do you want? 323 00:12:59,112 --> 00:13:00,572 This is how it happened in those days. 324 00:13:00,697 --> 00:13:02,949 Take that, you stupid Indian. Ohh. 325 00:13:03,074 --> 00:13:06,328 Mr. Garrison, this is not appropriate. 326 00:13:06,453 --> 00:13:09,247 Do you actually think that Kathie Lee Gifford 327 00:13:09,372 --> 00:13:10,791 would enjoy this? 328 00:13:10,916 --> 00:13:12,542 To hell with Kathie Lee Gifford. 329 00:13:14,795 --> 00:13:17,047 Oh, my God. What have I said? 330 00:13:17,172 --> 00:13:20,008 He said, "To hell with Kathie Lee Gifford." 331 00:13:20,133 --> 00:13:25,764 Mr. Garrison, I am dismissing you from directing our play. 332 00:13:28,099 --> 00:13:30,143 It happened again, didn't it? 333 00:13:30,268 --> 00:13:33,271 Now we do things my way. 334 00:13:33,396 --> 00:13:36,316 I can't kill her, Mr. Hat. 335 00:13:36,441 --> 00:13:38,985 You're gonna have to do it. 336 00:13:45,033 --> 00:13:47,244 Whoa, Cartman, talk about wide load. 337 00:13:47,369 --> 00:13:50,121 Yeah, I'm really starting to fill out nicely. 338 00:13:50,247 --> 00:13:51,832 You're not filling out nicely. 339 00:13:51,957 --> 00:13:53,124 You're fatter than ever. 340 00:13:53,250 --> 00:13:54,209 I'm not fat. 341 00:13:54,334 --> 00:13:55,961 I'm getting in shape. 342 00:13:56,086 --> 00:13:57,796 Cartman, you're such a fat-ass that when you walk 343 00:13:57,921 --> 00:13:59,798 down the street, people go, "God damn it. 344 00:13:59,923 --> 00:14:01,424 That's a big fat-ass." 345 00:14:01,550 --> 00:14:03,802 No, they don't, you jealous weakling. 346 00:14:03,927 --> 00:14:06,513 God damn, that's a big fat-ass. 347 00:14:06,638 --> 00:14:08,139 Hey! 348 00:14:08,265 --> 00:14:10,892 Hi, guys. Oh, look, another hippie. 349 00:14:11,017 --> 00:14:12,853 Peace, Wendy. Shut up, Cartman. 350 00:14:12,978 --> 00:14:14,604 Oh. 351 00:14:14,729 --> 00:14:16,356 # Two little hippies sitting in a tree # 352 00:14:16,481 --> 00:14:18,316 I'm gonna find Cartman's paper 353 00:14:18,441 --> 00:14:20,735 and get to the bottom of this. 354 00:14:22,487 --> 00:14:23,613 Can I help you? 355 00:14:23,738 --> 00:14:24,906 Yes. 356 00:14:25,031 --> 00:14:26,700 I need a gun. 357 00:14:26,825 --> 00:14:29,327 Would this be for hunting or protection or other? 358 00:14:29,452 --> 00:14:30,996 Other. Alrighty then. 359 00:14:31,121 --> 00:14:33,748 May I suggest a Stratford 12-millimeter? 360 00:14:33,874 --> 00:14:35,500 Go ahead. Try it on. 361 00:14:35,625 --> 00:14:37,752 That looks really nice on you. 362 00:14:37,878 --> 00:14:40,171 The lacquered black really matches your eyes. 363 00:14:40,297 --> 00:14:41,673 You talking to me? 364 00:14:41,798 --> 00:14:43,675 You talking to me? 365 00:14:43,800 --> 00:14:45,635 I don't know, it's a little small. 366 00:14:45,760 --> 00:14:47,929 Okay. How about this? 367 00:14:48,054 --> 00:14:49,514 You talking to me? 368 00:14:49,639 --> 00:14:51,641 Hmm, no, I don't like this one either. 369 00:14:51,766 --> 00:14:54,269 Here's the same gun with a wood finish. 370 00:14:54,394 --> 00:14:55,729 You talking to me? 371 00:14:55,854 --> 00:14:57,522 I don't see anybody else around here, 372 00:14:57,647 --> 00:15:00,025 so you must be talking to me. 373 00:15:00,150 --> 00:15:01,443 I'll take it. 374 00:15:02,444 --> 00:15:03,445 Hello? 375 00:15:19,836 --> 00:15:22,631 "My essay, by Eric Cartman. 376 00:15:22,756 --> 00:15:24,758 "When I wrote the following pages, 377 00:15:24,883 --> 00:15:26,426 "or rather the bulk of them, 378 00:15:26,551 --> 00:15:29,095 I lived alone in the woods on the shore of..." 379 00:15:32,307 --> 00:15:35,685 Well, Mr. Hat, I guess old Kathie Lee really will be 380 00:15:35,810 --> 00:15:37,646 surprised when she gets here tomorrow. 381 00:15:37,771 --> 00:15:40,982 She beat us in the talent show all those years ago. 382 00:15:41,107 --> 00:15:43,401 And I think we owe her for that. 383 00:15:43,526 --> 00:15:44,986 Ba-bang! 384 00:15:45,111 --> 00:15:46,112 Oh, my God. 385 00:15:51,785 --> 00:15:54,412 ## 386 00:15:54,537 --> 00:15:56,539 Howdy, Mr. Garrison. Nice gun. 387 00:15:56,665 --> 00:15:58,041 Thank you. 388 00:15:58,166 --> 00:16:00,126 Nice gun, Mr. Garrison. 389 00:16:00,251 --> 00:16:01,670 Thanks. 390 00:16:01,795 --> 00:16:03,088 Hello, Officer Barbrady. 391 00:16:03,213 --> 00:16:04,923 Nice gun. Thanks. 392 00:16:05,048 --> 00:16:06,633 Is there somewhere in town where I can get a good, 393 00:16:06,758 --> 00:16:08,718 clear shot... or a view of Kathie Lee? 394 00:16:08,843 --> 00:16:12,180 Hmm, you know, I think the book depository 395 00:16:12,305 --> 00:16:13,932 would be a good bet. 396 00:16:16,726 --> 00:16:19,270 Yes, that might do quite nicely. 397 00:16:19,396 --> 00:16:20,855 Thank you, Officer Barbrady. 398 00:16:20,981 --> 00:16:22,148 No problem. 399 00:16:22,273 --> 00:16:24,275 Ha! Caught you red-handed! 400 00:16:24,401 --> 00:16:26,528 No pictures of Kathie Lee. 401 00:16:27,570 --> 00:16:29,531 Where is she? 402 00:16:30,532 --> 00:16:32,450 This is sweet. 403 00:16:32,575 --> 00:16:35,495 Camera crews are setting up, and I'm looking totally ripped. 404 00:16:35,620 --> 00:16:37,664 Beefcake. Beefcake! 405 00:16:37,789 --> 00:16:38,915 I don't think they're gonna be able to get 406 00:16:39,040 --> 00:16:40,375 all of you in frame, Cartman. 407 00:16:40,500 --> 00:16:42,168 You guys, we have to stop him. 408 00:16:42,293 --> 00:16:44,337 Stop who? Mr. Garrison. 409 00:16:44,462 --> 00:16:47,507 He's going to try to kill Kathie Lee Gifford. 410 00:16:47,632 --> 00:16:49,050 Oh, no, you don't. 411 00:16:49,175 --> 00:16:50,885 You're not gonna ruin my moment of fame. 412 00:16:51,011 --> 00:16:52,929 He's got a gun. 413 00:16:53,054 --> 00:16:55,557 You gotta get over this whole jealousy thing, all right? 414 00:16:55,682 --> 00:16:57,267 Seriously, just face it. 415 00:16:57,392 --> 00:16:59,394 I wrote a better paper than you. 416 00:16:59,519 --> 00:17:02,188 It just so happens that I have your paper, 417 00:17:02,313 --> 00:17:04,024 and I know why you won. 418 00:17:04,149 --> 00:17:05,734 There's something more important right now. 419 00:17:05,859 --> 00:17:07,277 Let's go. 420 00:17:07,402 --> 00:17:09,237 Wendy, you've got to prioritize. 421 00:17:09,362 --> 00:17:11,114 What's more important, being on TV 422 00:17:11,239 --> 00:17:12,991 or some stupid assassination? 423 00:17:13,116 --> 00:17:16,119 Stan, I can't do it alone. 424 00:17:16,244 --> 00:17:17,370 Please? 425 00:17:17,495 --> 00:17:19,247 Uh-oh, we're losing him. 426 00:17:19,372 --> 00:17:20,999 Here she comes. 427 00:17:24,127 --> 00:17:28,339 ## 428 00:17:28,465 --> 00:17:30,467 Damn, I guess I'm not the only person in America 429 00:17:30,592 --> 00:17:32,635 who's thought of killing Kathie Lee Gifford. 430 00:17:32,761 --> 00:17:35,430 We love you, Kathie Lee. 431 00:17:35,555 --> 00:17:37,307 I love you too. 432 00:17:37,432 --> 00:17:40,685 Come on, you little bitch. 433 00:17:40,810 --> 00:17:42,395 You've got to come out of your precious bubble 434 00:17:42,520 --> 00:17:44,397 sooner or later, missy. 435 00:17:44,522 --> 00:17:48,109 It is with great pride and honor that I'd like to welcome 436 00:17:48,234 --> 00:17:52,072 Mrs. Kathie Lee Gifford to South Park. 437 00:17:54,616 --> 00:17:58,203 And now our very own South Park Elementary chef 438 00:17:58,328 --> 00:18:02,499 will sing a special song in honor of Mrs. Lee Gifford. 439 00:18:03,458 --> 00:18:05,210 Thank you, Mr. Mayor. 440 00:18:05,335 --> 00:18:09,214 You know, Kathie Lee, you are a very special woman. 441 00:18:09,339 --> 00:18:12,175 I don't mean special in a Mary Tyler Moore way 442 00:18:12,300 --> 00:18:16,971 or special in an extra-value meal at Happy Burger way. 443 00:18:17,097 --> 00:18:18,556 No, no, no, no, no. 444 00:18:18,681 --> 00:18:20,350 I mean special, 445 00:18:20,475 --> 00:18:22,852 like the song of the hummingbird as it gets ready 446 00:18:22,977 --> 00:18:25,814 to find that female hummingbird 447 00:18:25,939 --> 00:18:28,608 and make sweet love to it all night long. 448 00:18:28,733 --> 00:18:32,278 Just two hummingbirds moaning and groaning and 449 00:18:32,403 --> 00:18:34,030 letting their bodies caress 450 00:18:34,155 --> 00:18:36,991 and touch each other in ecstasy. 451 00:18:37,117 --> 00:18:39,410 # Oh Kathie Lee # 452 00:18:39,536 --> 00:18:42,747 # How I'd love to lay you down # 453 00:18:42,872 --> 00:18:45,959 # And lick every inch of your body # 454 00:18:46,084 --> 00:18:47,418 # With my tongue # 455 00:18:47,544 --> 00:18:49,212 What? 456 00:18:49,337 --> 00:18:51,464 # Kathie Lee you're my sexual fantasy # 457 00:18:51,589 --> 00:18:54,592 What? # How about you and me # 458 00:18:54,717 --> 00:18:56,386 Thank you, Chef, for that heartwarming song. 459 00:18:56,511 --> 00:18:59,139 # Get it together and make sweet love? # 460 00:18:59,264 --> 00:19:00,265 Thank you, Chef. 461 00:19:00,390 --> 00:19:01,850 Oh, oh. 462 00:19:01,975 --> 00:19:05,061 God bless you, Kathie Lee. 463 00:19:05,186 --> 00:19:06,729 Officer Barbrady, 464 00:19:06,855 --> 00:19:08,356 Mr. Garrison is about to kill Kathie Lee. 465 00:19:08,481 --> 00:19:10,024 We have to find him. 466 00:19:10,150 --> 00:19:12,152 What? You mean the teacher? 467 00:19:12,277 --> 00:19:14,154 Wait a minute. 468 00:19:14,279 --> 00:19:16,489 Is there somewhere in town where I can get a good, clear 469 00:19:16,614 --> 00:19:18,700 shot... Or a view of Kathie Lee? 470 00:19:18,825 --> 00:19:21,661 Hmm, you know, I think the book depository 471 00:19:21,786 --> 00:19:23,580 would be a good bet. 472 00:19:23,705 --> 00:19:26,207 I think the book depository would be a good bet. 473 00:19:26,332 --> 00:19:29,586 Book depository, depository, book depository, depository. 474 00:19:29,711 --> 00:19:31,462 Damn, he could be anywhere. 475 00:19:31,588 --> 00:19:33,423 I'll send out an APB. 476 00:19:33,548 --> 00:19:34,674 Wendy, look. 477 00:19:35,967 --> 00:19:39,095 And now, here to present the award 478 00:19:39,220 --> 00:19:43,224 for the environmental essay to our own Eric Kaufman... 479 00:19:43,349 --> 00:19:45,101 Cartman, God damn it. 480 00:19:45,226 --> 00:19:48,146 Is your favorite celebrity and mine, 481 00:19:48,271 --> 00:19:51,649 Kathie Lee Gifford. 482 00:19:55,236 --> 00:19:57,447 Thank you. I love you all. 483 00:19:57,572 --> 00:19:59,532 Mr. Garrison, stop. 484 00:19:59,657 --> 00:20:01,075 Leave us. 485 00:20:01,201 --> 00:20:03,077 We must finish what we have begun. 486 00:20:03,203 --> 00:20:05,079 I know that she's hurt you. 487 00:20:05,205 --> 00:20:06,497 She's hurt a lot of people. 488 00:20:06,623 --> 00:20:08,124 You can't know. 489 00:20:08,249 --> 00:20:10,501 You should've won that talent show. 490 00:20:10,627 --> 00:20:13,296 It is with a great honor and pride that I present 491 00:20:13,421 --> 00:20:15,173 the winner this trophy. 492 00:20:15,298 --> 00:20:17,258 Eric, would you please come up here? 493 00:20:17,383 --> 00:20:20,887 Here it is, my big moment of fame. 494 00:20:21,012 --> 00:20:23,514 And then she finished it all by throwing her voice 495 00:20:23,640 --> 00:20:25,433 with two dummies at once. 496 00:20:25,558 --> 00:20:28,228 I know that, Mr. Garrison, but this isn't the answer. 497 00:20:28,353 --> 00:20:31,814 It is too late for me, young Wendy. 498 00:20:33,816 --> 00:20:36,277 You see, I've learned something today. 499 00:20:36,402 --> 00:20:38,196 You can't win all the time. 500 00:20:38,321 --> 00:20:40,907 And if you don't win, you certainly can't hold it against 501 00:20:41,032 --> 00:20:44,035 the person who did, because that's the only way 502 00:20:44,160 --> 00:20:45,912 you ever really lose. 503 00:20:46,037 --> 00:20:48,331 You're... you're right. 504 00:20:48,456 --> 00:20:50,458 Good. 505 00:20:50,583 --> 00:20:53,419 Man, did she really throw her voice with two dummies at once? 506 00:20:53,544 --> 00:20:55,046 The bitch must die. 507 00:20:57,548 --> 00:20:58,716 Ahh! 508 00:21:04,597 --> 00:21:07,141 Oh, my God. They killed Kenny. 509 00:21:07,267 --> 00:21:09,102 You bastard. 510 00:21:09,227 --> 00:21:10,687 Gun! Gun! 511 00:21:10,812 --> 00:21:12,397 Hey, come back. 512 00:21:12,522 --> 00:21:13,982 We didn't even get to do our play. 513 00:21:14,107 --> 00:21:15,817 All: Aww. 514 00:21:15,942 --> 00:21:17,568 I guess that's it, guys. Wrap it up. 515 00:21:17,694 --> 00:21:19,737 Hey, wait a minute. 516 00:21:19,862 --> 00:21:21,698 When do I get to be on television? 517 00:21:21,823 --> 00:21:23,032 Forget it, kid. 518 00:21:23,157 --> 00:21:24,742 No Kathie Lee, no public interest. 519 00:21:24,867 --> 00:21:28,329 But I won the environmental essay contest. 520 00:21:28,454 --> 00:21:30,957 You don't deserve to win, Cartman, 521 00:21:31,082 --> 00:21:32,625 and you know it. 522 00:21:32,750 --> 00:21:35,378 I'm holding Cartman's award-winning paper. 523 00:21:35,503 --> 00:21:37,797 It's actually nothing more than "Walden" 524 00:21:37,922 --> 00:21:40,008 with Henry David Thoreau's name crossed out 525 00:21:40,133 --> 00:21:42,468 and Cartman's name written in its place. 526 00:21:42,593 --> 00:21:43,970 Who cares? 527 00:21:44,095 --> 00:21:45,763 Yeah, Kathie Lee Gifford's gone. 528 00:21:45,888 --> 00:21:48,057 What about not holding anything against 529 00:21:48,182 --> 00:21:49,350 the person who wins? 530 00:21:49,475 --> 00:21:51,894 Well, not if it's Cartman. 531 00:21:52,020 --> 00:21:54,397 Hey, where are you all going? 532 00:21:54,522 --> 00:21:57,108 They don't even know what "Walden" is. 533 00:21:57,233 --> 00:22:01,029 I bet if "Walden" was a sitcom you'd all know what it was. 534 00:22:01,154 --> 00:22:02,780 Come on, Wendy. 535 00:22:02,905 --> 00:22:04,198 Kyle's mom will make us tuna fish sandwiches. 536 00:22:04,324 --> 00:22:05,700 Oh, what the hell. 537 00:22:05,825 --> 00:22:08,578 No, no. 538 00:22:08,703 --> 00:22:11,539 Now I'll be stuck in this Podunk town forever 539 00:22:11,664 --> 00:22:14,834 with all these stupid, hick, redneck, jobless, 540 00:22:14,959 --> 00:22:16,836 truck-driving idiots. 541 00:22:16,961 --> 00:22:19,464 Uh, Mayor, the mic is on. 542 00:22:19,589 --> 00:22:22,133 Thought you could get away with it, eh, Mr. Hat? 543 00:22:22,258 --> 00:22:23,634 Well, I would have gotten away with it 544 00:22:23,760 --> 00:22:25,470 if it weren't for those meddling kids. 545 00:22:25,595 --> 00:22:27,388 You're lucky you missed Kathie Lee Gifford 546 00:22:27,513 --> 00:22:29,932 and that nobody got hurt. 547 00:22:33,311 --> 00:22:34,520 We hope you can come back to school real soon, 548 00:22:34,645 --> 00:22:36,356 Mr. Garrison. 549 00:22:36,481 --> 00:22:37,857 Well, children, I'd love to, but the doctors say 550 00:22:37,982 --> 00:22:39,859 that Mr. Hat needs more therapy. 551 00:22:39,984 --> 00:22:42,236 We can still get her. 552 00:22:42,362 --> 00:22:45,114 I'm just so sorry that I ruined everyone's chances 553 00:22:45,239 --> 00:22:46,574 for being on TV. 554 00:22:46,699 --> 00:22:47,784 Not Cartman. 555 00:22:47,909 --> 00:22:49,285 He gets to be on TV anyway. 556 00:22:49,410 --> 00:22:51,037 Really? On what? 557 00:22:51,162 --> 00:22:55,124 Obesity, adiposity, corpulence. 558 00:22:55,249 --> 00:22:58,252 Whatever word you use, it represents one thing: 559 00:22:58,378 --> 00:23:00,171 being a big fat-ass. 560 00:23:00,296 --> 00:23:02,924 We have with us today live via satellite Eric Cartman 561 00:23:03,049 --> 00:23:04,884 from South Park, 562 00:23:05,009 --> 00:23:08,304 who is now so obese, he can't even get out of his house. 563 00:23:08,429 --> 00:23:10,598 When is this gonna be on the air? 564 00:23:10,723 --> 00:23:13,976 Is there anything you'd like to say to people out there? 565 00:23:14,644 --> 00:23:16,020 Follow your dreams. 566 00:23:16,145 --> 00:23:17,939 You can reach your goals. 567 00:23:18,064 --> 00:23:19,524 I'm living proof. 568 00:23:19,649 --> 00:23:21,692 Beefcake. Beefcake! 569 00:23:21,818 --> 00:23:24,195 He needs to run his ass around the block a few times. 570 00:23:24,320 --> 00:23:27,490 Mmm, how about a little more of that good loving, Chef? 571 00:23:27,615 --> 00:23:29,158 Damn, woman. 572 00:23:29,283 --> 00:23:31,035 I just gave you sweet loving five minutes ago. 573 00:23:31,160 --> 00:23:32,912 You trying to kill me?