1 00:00:21,321 --> 00:00:27,193 South Park - Season 12 Episode 5 "Eek, A Penis!" 2 00:00:35,001 --> 00:00:39,639 It's like my whole life has just been one big screw up, you know? 3 00:00:39,739 --> 00:00:43,009 I admit it, I was sexually lost. 4 00:00:43,076 --> 00:00:45,378 and then I see this person on Oprah. 5 00:00:45,478 --> 00:00:48,348 She's a woman, but then she got a sex change and became a man, 6 00:00:48,481 --> 00:00:52,685 but then she got pregnant and is having a baby which means she was still a woman all along. 7 00:00:52,752 --> 00:00:55,088 That means I'm really still a man! 8 00:00:55,255 --> 00:00:58,058 I still feel like a man. 9 00:00:58,158 --> 00:01:00,393 Are we gonna get tested on this? 10 00:01:00,427 --> 00:01:04,431 This sex change was a big mistake. Okay? 12 00:01:04,864 --> 00:01:08,768 I was on a lot of pain killers at the time, and I thought it was what I wanted. 14 00:01:09,069 --> 00:01:10,870 Dude, you wanna do some math problems? 16 00:01:10,937 --> 00:01:13,206 And then I go to the doctor, right? 18 00:01:13,273 --> 00:01:16,342 And I say doctor, I want to go back to being a man and he says, 19 00:01:16,409 --> 00:01:19,479 well, there's been too much damage, you can't go back. 20 00:01:19,579 --> 00:01:21,714 Where are you going to find a penis?! 21 00:01:21,815 --> 00:01:24,484 What do you mean where am I gonna find a penis!? 22 00:01:24,517 --> 00:01:25,919 I'm a man! 23 00:01:25,985 --> 00:01:28,555 I deserve a God dammed penis!! 24 00:01:31,658 --> 00:01:34,260 Uh, mister -- mister Garrison!? 25 00:01:34,894 --> 00:01:37,664 Could we speak with you, please? 26 00:01:38,198 --> 00:01:40,467 What do you want? I'm trying to teach. 27 00:01:40,500 --> 00:01:45,205 Uh, we think it's best you not teach until you get your personal life in order, mkay. 28 00:01:45,271 --> 00:01:49,809 Oh, it's so easy for you, Mackey, you have a penis! 29 00:01:49,943 --> 00:01:51,744 Okay, students, 30 00:01:51,811 --> 00:01:55,348 uh, obviously we've had a little emergency with your teacher. 31 00:01:55,348 --> 00:01:56,549 So, uh, while we deal with this 32 00:01:56,549 --> 00:02:00,286 we need one of you to lead the class and review for tomorrow's quiz. 33 00:02:00,353 --> 00:02:02,856 Oh! me, me! me! me! 34 00:02:03,323 --> 00:02:04,290 Right here! Right here! 35 00:02:04,891 --> 00:02:08,661 Who else would like to be teacher for the day? anybody else? 36 00:02:10,497 --> 00:02:12,432 Principal Victoria! over here! 37 00:02:13,600 --> 00:02:16,236 Any other volunteers perhaps? 38 00:02:18,071 --> 00:02:19,139 Principal Victoria! 39 00:02:19,806 --> 00:02:22,375 Alright, alright, fine. Eric, you lead the class. 40 00:02:22,509 --> 00:02:23,476 Yes! 41 00:02:23,510 --> 00:02:26,246 Now just lead a review over whatever Mr. Garrison's been teaching you 42 00:02:26,312 --> 00:02:28,448 and i'll be back to check on your shortly. 43 00:02:31,885 --> 00:02:33,920 Well, well, well... 44 00:02:34,387 --> 00:02:36,489 Who's teacher now? 45 00:02:37,323 --> 00:02:39,759 Yeah... who's teacher? 46 00:02:39,826 --> 00:02:41,694 You're not the teacher, fat ass. 47 00:02:41,728 --> 00:02:43,530 That's mister Cartman now, Kyle! 48 00:02:43,596 --> 00:02:47,333 And you will be wise to not interrupt my class unless you want to be suspended! 49 00:02:49,369 --> 00:02:50,069 Yeah. 50 00:02:50,136 --> 00:02:52,472 Mmm-yeahhh. You like that. 51 00:02:53,740 --> 00:02:56,276 Alright, Clyde, you're first. get up here. 52 00:02:57,177 --> 00:02:59,779 Yeah, you're gonna take it, Clyde. 53 00:03:04,551 --> 00:03:10,757 So it appears that the local farmer's market could be soon facing complete closure. 54 00:03:10,823 --> 00:03:14,861 In other news tonight, a South Park bio company is coming under fire 55 00:03:14,961 --> 00:03:19,032 for genetically engineering body parts onto laboratory mice. 56 00:03:19,098 --> 00:03:23,169 This picture of a mouse genetically altered to grow a human ear 57 00:03:23,236 --> 00:03:26,139 has already parked waves of protest. 58 00:03:26,272 --> 00:03:27,440 What? 59 00:03:27,507 --> 00:03:30,810 But the scientists say the process could help thousands of people 60 00:03:30,877 --> 00:03:34,514 who have become disfigured and need ears or noses. 61 00:03:34,647 --> 00:03:37,050 Holy freakin' Jesus. 62 00:03:39,385 --> 00:03:42,021 Using common genetics and cartilage scaffolding, 63 00:03:42,121 --> 00:03:45,658 we can graft almost any body part onto a mouse and allow it to develop. 64 00:03:45,725 --> 00:03:47,827 Here's the mouse you saw on television. 65 00:03:47,927 --> 00:03:51,731 Once the ear fully forms, it can be transplanted onto a person. 66 00:03:51,864 --> 00:03:54,634 Doctor, what about a penis? 67 00:03:54,734 --> 00:03:58,538 Well, a penis is something a man puts into a woman's vagina. 68 00:03:58,671 --> 00:03:59,305 No, no. 69 00:03:59,405 --> 00:04:03,343 If I gave you some of my dna, could you grow a penis on a mouse for me? 70 00:04:03,409 --> 00:04:06,446 You don't understand, doing this stuff is very expensive 71 00:04:06,512 --> 00:04:09,682 and we've never tried a penis before. there's no guarantee it would work! 72 00:04:09,749 --> 00:04:13,253 I will give you all the money I have to just try. Please. 73 00:04:13,353 --> 00:04:15,822 Doctor, I'm a man trapped in a woman's body. 74 00:04:15,855 --> 00:04:18,391 - I need a penis. - Alright, 75 00:04:18,458 --> 00:04:20,793 alright, let's see what we can do. 76 00:04:21,294 --> 00:04:25,765 Eric, we've called you in to commend you for your role as student teacher. 77 00:04:26,199 --> 00:04:29,168 Don't commend me, it's the students fault for being so stupid! 78 00:04:29,369 --> 00:04:32,338 Commend means you've done a great job, Eric, mkay. 79 00:04:32,472 --> 00:04:34,307 After leading your class through review, 80 00:04:34,374 --> 00:04:37,944 your schoolmates scored higher than they ever have on their tests! 81 00:04:38,011 --> 00:04:40,680 Whatever you did really worked on them! 82 00:04:40,747 --> 00:04:42,081 Oh well, thank you. 83 00:04:42,181 --> 00:04:46,319 I believe strict discipline along with compassion for my students is catamite to their learning. 84 00:04:46,419 --> 00:04:50,356 these gentlemen from the denver county school board have something they want to ask you. 85 00:04:50,423 --> 00:04:54,594 Young man, word of your success as a student teacher has started the whole board thinking. 86 00:04:54,627 --> 00:04:57,964 We would like you to try your methods on one of our inner city school classes. 87 00:04:58,064 --> 00:05:00,967 These kids just won't listen to any adult teachers, and 88 00:05:01,067 --> 00:05:03,836 since you handled your class so well, 89 00:05:03,970 --> 00:05:05,438 how'd you like to give it a shot? 90 00:05:05,505 --> 00:05:09,108 That sounds like a chance to really make an impact on some students who need it most. 91 00:05:09,242 --> 00:05:11,144 How much will you pay me? 92 00:05:13,012 --> 00:05:15,915 Three hundred bucks! Did you hear what I said you guys!? 93 00:05:16,015 --> 00:05:19,185 My awesome teaching skills is gonna earn me three hundred bucks! 94 00:05:19,252 --> 00:05:20,987 You're not an awesome teacher! 95 00:05:21,054 --> 00:05:24,090 Whatever, the whole class scored super high on the tests. 96 00:05:24,157 --> 00:05:25,191 The only reason we scored high 97 00:05:25,291 --> 00:05:28,394 was because we took the answers out of Garrison's desk, and you know it! 98 00:05:28,494 --> 00:05:31,798 Yes, but whose idea was it to take the answers out of Garrison's desk? 99 00:05:31,864 --> 00:05:33,032 Kenny's! 100 00:05:33,099 --> 00:05:35,068 - Yeah, that was my idea. - Oh, yeah. 101 00:05:35,168 --> 00:05:37,704 But whatever, I'm gonna go teach those underprivileged inner city students 102 00:05:37,770 --> 00:05:39,906 and really turn their lives around. 103 00:05:39,972 --> 00:05:42,108 Do you know what those kids are going to do to you?! 104 00:05:42,175 --> 00:05:44,877 A little middle class white boy telling them what to do? 105 00:05:44,944 --> 00:05:48,548 They are going to murder you. 106 00:05:51,918 --> 00:05:55,588 Maybe he's right. I better be careful how I look. 107 00:06:21,514 --> 00:06:24,684 Students, quiet! Quiet, please! 108 00:06:27,553 --> 00:06:29,355 Give me your attention. 109 00:06:29,489 --> 00:06:32,692 I'll give you my attention all night long, Mrs. Miller! 110 00:06:34,861 --> 00:06:37,897 You're on thin ice, Rodriguez! Now listen up. 111 00:06:37,964 --> 00:06:42,702 The denver county school board has sent over a special guest teacher. 112 00:06:44,337 --> 00:06:47,807 This may be your last shot at graduating from high school at all! 113 00:06:47,940 --> 00:06:52,211 I want you to welcome -- Eric Cartmanez. 114 00:06:54,714 --> 00:06:57,884 Hello, students. I am Eric Cartmanez, 115 00:06:58,050 --> 00:06:59,852 your new teacher. 116 00:07:02,188 --> 00:07:03,389 What the hell is this? 117 00:07:03,656 --> 00:07:06,325 I am here to teach you calculus. 118 00:07:11,030 --> 00:07:14,000 I think you're going to be very pleased with the progress, ms. Garrison. 119 00:07:14,133 --> 00:07:15,334 Mister Garrison! 120 00:07:15,535 --> 00:07:17,103 Sorry, 'mister' Garrison. 121 00:07:17,503 --> 00:07:21,774 Your DNA has replicated and grafted very successfully with the mouse. 122 00:07:21,908 --> 00:07:24,944 And so here's your penis. 123 00:07:26,412 --> 00:07:29,649 Garrison: Wow, my penis looks great! 124 00:07:29,916 --> 00:07:33,186 Yes, it's a fantastic penis. congratulations. 125 00:07:33,686 --> 00:07:35,221 How long before it's ready? 126 00:07:35,421 --> 00:07:38,391 Well, it still has some forming to do, but fairly soon. 127 00:07:38,724 --> 00:07:40,793 Lemme see if it feels right in my hand. 128 00:07:40,927 --> 00:07:42,662 No! Don't open the -- 129 00:07:42,762 --> 00:07:43,763 Oh, no! 130 00:07:46,399 --> 00:07:48,167 Don't let it get out the lab. 131 00:07:50,336 --> 00:07:51,838 My penis!!! 132 00:07:55,041 --> 00:07:57,543 Stop penis!! Come back here!!!! 133 00:07:58,711 --> 00:08:02,748 Okay, everyone take a silly bus and pass it to the amigo behind you. 134 00:08:03,416 --> 00:08:06,452 - Hey man, what the hell do you think you're doing? - Yeah! 135 00:08:06,886 --> 00:08:09,789 Mr. Cartmanez is here to make sure you all get into college. 136 00:08:10,022 --> 00:08:13,292 Get into college?! Man, we aren't getting into no college?! Fuck you! 137 00:08:13,392 --> 00:08:17,697 Yeah, man! That's right! What is this, anyway? Man, this is crap! 138 00:08:17,797 --> 00:08:20,166 How do I reeech these keeeds?! 139 00:08:22,268 --> 00:08:26,405 The reason that you think you can't get into college is because you haven't been taught -- 140 00:08:26,606 --> 00:08:28,074 how to cheat properly. 141 00:08:28,407 --> 00:08:30,710 How do you think white people always get ahead? 142 00:08:31,077 --> 00:08:34,914 Because we cheat all the time -- I mean because they cheat all the time. 143 00:08:37,083 --> 00:08:40,987 This is bill beeelichick. Coach of the new england patriots. 144 00:08:41,220 --> 00:08:43,356 He's won three superbowls. How? 145 00:08:43,623 --> 00:08:44,957 He cheated. 146 00:08:45,391 --> 00:08:48,261 He even got caught cheating. And nobody cared. 147 00:08:48,461 --> 00:08:51,297 Bill Beelicheck proved that in America it's ok to cheat, 148 00:08:51,430 --> 00:08:53,799 as long as you cheat your way to the top. 149 00:08:54,233 --> 00:08:56,202 Hey, I don't want to be called a cheater. 150 00:08:56,502 --> 00:08:59,906 No, no, if you cheat and fail, you're a cheater. 151 00:09:00,139 --> 00:09:03,142 If you cheat and succeed, you're savvyyyy. 152 00:09:03,876 --> 00:09:07,380 This is bullshit! I don't want to waste my time learning to cheat! 153 00:09:07,914 --> 00:09:11,317 Go ahead, the door's right there. Bye, bye, have fun, we will miss you. 154 00:09:15,021 --> 00:09:17,123 How do I reach these kids? 155 00:09:21,360 --> 00:09:24,864 boys! boys, have you seen my penis?! 156 00:09:27,133 --> 00:09:29,602 - What? - My penis is on the loose! 157 00:09:29,702 --> 00:09:32,271 If you see it, just try to catch it with some cheese! 158 00:09:34,840 --> 00:09:37,577 Ow, that hurt my brains. 159 00:09:38,177 --> 00:09:39,579 Owww. 160 00:09:48,354 --> 00:09:49,889 Nice form, compadre. 161 00:09:50,356 --> 00:09:52,525 Hey I walked out of your class, teacher. 162 00:09:52,758 --> 00:09:55,227 Look, I don't want to argue with you about the merits of cheating. 163 00:09:55,628 --> 00:09:57,430 Who wants to argue on a nice day like theeees. 164 00:09:57,663 --> 00:09:59,198 How about a little pickup game? 165 00:10:00,066 --> 00:10:02,702 Hey, petano! Can you keep score for us? 166 00:10:02,902 --> 00:10:04,537 Sure thing, Mr. C. 167 00:10:05,371 --> 00:10:07,273 Okay, you start on defense, amigo. 168 00:10:14,914 --> 00:10:16,882 Oho, that's one to nothing, amigo. 169 00:10:17,316 --> 00:10:19,919 - You cheated! - What's the score, effe? 170 00:10:20,019 --> 00:10:21,621 Okay, let's go. Your turn. 171 00:10:28,327 --> 00:10:30,296 That's two to noteeeng, amigo. 172 00:10:30,429 --> 00:10:32,565 You, man! You can't do that. 173 00:10:32,765 --> 00:10:34,900 Look at the scoreboard, amigo. 174 00:10:35,601 --> 00:10:40,673 No matter how many times you say I cheated, the scoreboard says 2 - 0. 175 00:10:41,440 --> 00:10:44,343 I know what you're trying to say, but I still don't agree with it. 176 00:10:46,646 --> 00:10:49,682 Two to nothing, essa. Two to nothing. 177 00:10:51,851 --> 00:10:53,886 How do I reach these keedz? 178 00:11:00,559 --> 00:11:02,128 What is that? 179 00:11:12,338 --> 00:11:14,440 Stephen! Stephen, come quick! 180 00:11:14,573 --> 00:11:17,843 - What is it, dear? - A penis is loose in our kitchen! 181 00:11:18,310 --> 00:11:21,313 - A penis? - Yes, it just ran across the floor! 182 00:11:21,681 --> 00:11:23,482 Now darling, calm down. 183 00:11:23,683 --> 00:11:27,086 Calm down nothing, I don't want that penis running through my house! 184 00:11:27,386 --> 00:11:30,856 Ah, women, always afraid of penises. 185 00:11:34,060 --> 00:11:37,496 - There! There you see it!? - Oh, it's just a little penis, darling 186 00:11:37,697 --> 00:11:40,399 I don't care, it's probably got all kinds of diseases. 187 00:11:41,967 --> 00:11:44,136 Hey, wait! I think that's teacher's penis! 188 00:11:44,270 --> 00:11:46,872 - Your teacher's penis? - Yeah, that must be his! 189 00:11:47,006 --> 00:11:50,543 Butters, how do you know what your teacher's penis looks like? 190 00:11:53,379 --> 00:11:56,082 Today, we will discuss one of the most fundamental ways to cheat -- 191 00:11:56,282 --> 00:11:58,017 getting test material ahead of time. 192 00:11:58,484 --> 00:12:01,120 When Bill Belichick cheated for the patriots, what did he do? 193 00:12:01,387 --> 00:12:04,256 He videotaped the opposing team's defense. 194 00:12:04,557 --> 00:12:06,425 think of the defense as your test. 195 00:12:06,926 --> 00:12:10,629 When taking a test you must also 'videotape the defense.' 196 00:12:10,896 --> 00:12:15,000 Learn what's on the test before they give it to you, and that way you can -- 197 00:12:18,037 --> 00:12:21,140 I thought that, well, maybe I could give cheating a try. 198 00:12:22,408 --> 00:12:25,277 Have a seat, amigo. good to have you back. 199 00:12:26,212 --> 00:12:30,583 Alright. Now, when Bill Belichick got caught with his camera, he did not panic. 200 00:12:30,816 --> 00:12:33,319 He simply said what every good white cheater says when caught: 201 00:12:33,486 --> 00:12:35,955 'I misinterpreted the rules.' 202 00:12:36,489 --> 00:12:38,257 It's what you must also say when caught cheating. 203 00:12:38,424 --> 00:12:43,696 "I misinterpreted the rules." Say it with me "I misinterpreted the rules." Good! again! 204 00:12:43,763 --> 00:12:46,332 I misinterpreted the rules! Again! 205 00:12:46,532 --> 00:12:48,601 I misinterpreted the rules! 206 00:12:48,834 --> 00:12:52,638 - Now you sound like white people! - I misinterpreted the rules! 207 00:12:53,205 --> 00:12:57,076 What the hell do you mean you just put my penis outside?! 208 00:12:57,343 --> 00:12:58,577 Why didn't you call me?! 209 00:12:58,677 --> 00:13:02,348 Look, Garrison, my wife didn't want a penis in the house, I had to get it out! 210 00:13:02,615 --> 00:13:05,785 Well now how am I supposed to find it?!!? It could be anywhere!! 211 00:13:08,821 --> 00:13:09,855 Holy crap! 212 00:13:12,925 --> 00:13:15,094 - Carol, get down from there! - No! 213 00:13:15,194 --> 00:13:17,329 Didn't you see that penis just now?!! 214 00:13:18,297 --> 00:13:21,734 I'm sure that penis is way more scared of you than you are of it! 215 00:13:22,635 --> 00:13:23,736 You saw a penis?! 216 00:13:27,239 --> 00:13:28,707 It's so big and disgusting! 217 00:13:35,214 --> 00:13:36,749 Come back here, penis! 218 00:13:39,084 --> 00:13:40,519 There you are! Got you!!!! 219 00:13:44,156 --> 00:13:46,258 Hey -- you're not my penis! 220 00:13:49,962 --> 00:13:51,997 There it goes! Stop you! 221 00:13:53,966 --> 00:13:56,435 The answer to number 27 is five. 222 00:13:56,635 --> 00:13:59,538 The answer to number 27 is five. 223 00:13:59,738 --> 00:14:02,308 The answer to number 28 is fourteen. 224 00:14:02,575 --> 00:14:05,411 The answer to number 28 is fourteen. 225 00:14:05,511 --> 00:14:06,779 Man, what's the point?! 226 00:14:07,479 --> 00:14:09,148 What's the point of any of this?! 227 00:14:12,284 --> 00:14:14,920 Alright, everyone review the section on sportscasters 228 00:14:15,020 --> 00:14:17,423 forgiving the patriots for cheating and saying it was no big deal, i'll be right back. 229 00:14:19,491 --> 00:14:21,360 Malita! Malita, hold on! 230 00:14:22,895 --> 00:14:25,097 You can't quit now? Come on, what's wrong with you? 231 00:14:25,764 --> 00:14:27,499 There isn't any point to all this. 232 00:14:28,067 --> 00:14:29,635 I won't be going to college. 233 00:14:30,402 --> 00:14:31,770 I'm pregnant, alright? 234 00:14:33,005 --> 00:14:35,975 I just found out. And eduardo isn't going to help me raise it. 235 00:14:37,676 --> 00:14:40,045 How do I reach these keeeds? 236 00:14:41,280 --> 00:14:42,915 Alright, let's go get you an abortion. 237 00:14:43,382 --> 00:14:46,485 No, I'm catholic. I think abortion is wrong. 238 00:14:47,219 --> 00:14:50,122 Abortion isn't wrong. What's the one thing i've been teaching you?! 239 00:14:51,457 --> 00:14:53,692 - That cheating is good. - Yes! 240 00:14:54,093 --> 00:14:55,995 And abortion is the ultimate form of cheating. 241 00:14:56,362 --> 00:14:57,763 You're cheating nature itself! 242 00:14:59,365 --> 00:15:00,866 Why do rich white girls get ahead in life? 243 00:15:01,433 --> 00:15:03,135 Because they get abortions when they're young. 244 00:15:03,769 --> 00:15:07,239 They get pregnant, but they still want to go to college so whatever, they just cheat. 245 00:15:07,706 --> 00:15:10,643 They cheat that little critter in their belly right out of a chance at life. 246 00:15:12,077 --> 00:15:13,379 I don't know, Mr. c. 247 00:15:13,879 --> 00:15:15,147 Mexicans are told not to cheat. 248 00:15:15,714 --> 00:15:18,083 Don't cheat, you got pregnant you have to raise the child, 249 00:15:18,651 --> 00:15:20,786 so then you have to raise a child while the white girls get to go 250 00:15:20,886 --> 00:15:22,955 to college and probably have a bunch more abortions. 251 00:15:24,757 --> 00:15:26,926 It is at our most challenging times 252 00:15:27,493 --> 00:15:29,828 that we must cheat our very hardest. 253 00:15:33,265 --> 00:15:35,868 And the last time you saw your penis was two days ago? 254 00:15:36,802 --> 00:15:39,038 - That's right. - Long whiskers or short? 255 00:15:39,705 --> 00:15:41,573 Short. And little fluffy ears. 256 00:15:41,840 --> 00:15:44,576 - Fluffy ears, ok. - Think you got it, Mitch? 257 00:15:44,843 --> 00:15:45,744 I think so, sir. 258 00:15:46,111 --> 00:15:47,179 Is this pretty close? 259 00:15:51,183 --> 00:15:54,486 No, no! Not like that! That's just silly. 260 00:15:54,920 --> 00:15:57,990 Sir, we might want to get a unit down to the italian restaurant on kentner. 261 00:15:58,357 --> 00:16:00,125 - What is it? - Call just came through. 262 00:16:00,225 --> 00:16:02,261 Seems a penis broke in and tried to eat their cheese. 263 00:16:02,594 --> 00:16:03,829 Whoa! Come on! 264 00:16:10,536 --> 00:16:11,470 Eeek! 265 00:16:11,937 --> 00:16:13,806 - What's the matter? - A penis! 266 00:16:14,707 --> 00:16:16,108 A penis? Where??? 267 00:16:16,375 --> 00:16:18,143 There it is! Eeek! 268 00:16:18,410 --> 00:16:20,312 - Eeek! - Eeek! 269 00:16:20,412 --> 00:16:22,748 - A penis! - A penis! Eeek! 270 00:16:24,350 --> 00:16:26,051 - Where is it? - Look, there! 271 00:16:27,820 --> 00:16:28,854 - Come on! 272 00:16:29,855 --> 00:16:32,558 What's that a penis doing in the my kitchen? 273 00:16:33,559 --> 00:16:36,028 Hey! Don't you dare kill my penis! 274 00:16:38,063 --> 00:16:39,498 Crap! We gotta go back around! 275 00:16:51,243 --> 00:16:55,948 # someone, somewhere, # 276 00:16:56,048 --> 00:16:59,551 # is loving me tonight. # 277 00:16:59,952 --> 00:17:03,055 # looking at the same moon # 278 00:17:03,155 --> 00:17:06,291 # and seeing it so bright. # 279 00:17:06,859 --> 00:17:09,928 # someone, somewhere, # 280 00:17:10,195 --> 00:17:13,866 # - is feeling my despair - feeling my despair # 281 00:17:13,966 --> 00:17:17,202 # - and this same moon is makin em think, of th... - makin em think # 282 00:17:17,302 --> 00:17:18,570 There it is!!! 283 00:17:24,109 --> 00:17:27,279 No!! No!! Nooo!! Nooo!! 284 00:17:28,680 --> 00:17:31,917 - There's not a chance now. - No! we can find it! 285 00:17:32,217 --> 00:17:34,720 Sorry, Garrison, your penis is gone. 286 00:17:35,788 --> 00:17:37,489 I'm afraid there's nothing more we can do. 287 00:17:37,856 --> 00:17:39,792 You'll just have to live with being a woman. 288 00:17:40,492 --> 00:17:42,194 A very ugly one. come on, men. 289 00:17:45,597 --> 00:17:49,334 Students, I want to congratulate you on your amazing test scores 290 00:17:49,435 --> 00:17:52,471 the school board is so impressed with your progress, 291 00:17:52,571 --> 00:17:56,942 that they are going to let you take the Standardized advanced placement test 292 00:17:57,042 --> 00:18:00,245 - for college credit! - Alright! Cool, man. Yeah! 293 00:18:00,345 --> 00:18:04,249 The test is going to be heavily monitored in a private room at their location 294 00:18:04,349 --> 00:18:07,419 to assure that there can be absolutely no cheating. 295 00:18:08,821 --> 00:18:12,357 - Uh what? - The test will be tomorrow. Make us proud. 296 00:18:14,993 --> 00:18:16,728 Monitor us in a private room? 297 00:18:17,362 --> 00:18:19,398 Now they're gonna know we've been cheating all along! 298 00:18:19,765 --> 00:18:23,969 I knew it, man! You made us believe in your way, and now it's all for nothing. 299 00:18:24,403 --> 00:18:27,172 It's not for nothing! If you're good enough you can cheat right in front of them! 300 00:18:27,272 --> 00:18:29,842 Shut up man, you royally screwed us all!! 301 00:18:29,942 --> 00:18:32,945 How do I reeech these keeeds!?!? 302 00:18:36,215 --> 00:18:40,586 Just before the last superbowl, Bill Belichick gathered his football players and said 303 00:18:41,186 --> 00:18:45,724 "Let's win this one for real. Just this one time, let's not cheat." 304 00:18:46,225 --> 00:18:48,393 You know what happened? They lost. 305 00:18:50,329 --> 00:18:52,965 Even if you feel all eyes are upon you, 306 00:18:53,065 --> 00:18:55,567 you cannot give on cheating 307 00:18:55,968 --> 00:18:58,804 or else you can lose the biggest game of your lives. 308 00:18:59,905 --> 00:19:02,040 Yeah, come on, we can do this, guys. 309 00:19:03,008 --> 00:19:05,611 You are the true dreamers. Tomorrow you will prove it. 310 00:19:06,178 --> 00:19:09,181 We will begin by reviewing how to print out cheat sheets as labels for your bottled water. 311 00:19:17,022 --> 00:19:19,124 You did this to yourself, Garrison. 312 00:19:20,225 --> 00:19:23,095 Get your hopes up with a stupid genetic experiment 313 00:19:23,195 --> 00:19:25,664 and now all your money's gone along with your penis. 314 00:19:32,171 --> 00:19:33,205 Woah what the... 315 00:19:38,043 --> 00:19:40,712 Why... it's my penis. 316 00:19:43,081 --> 00:19:45,951 My penis came back. But why? 317 00:19:51,456 --> 00:19:54,226 I guess it's true. What's that old saying? 318 00:19:55,661 --> 00:19:58,163 If you love your penis, let it go? 319 00:20:01,733 --> 00:20:05,370 The Standardized advanced placement test is considered one of the most 320 00:20:05,470 --> 00:20:08,840 difficult and carefully monitored tests in the country. 321 00:20:09,107 --> 00:20:12,211 Twenty four of our students took the test and all 322 00:20:12,311 --> 00:20:15,480 twenty four scored one hundred percent! 323 00:20:18,750 --> 00:20:21,119 - Uh, can we say something? - Sure. 324 00:20:21,553 --> 00:20:26,225 We would like to present this plaque to the person who taught us the white people method, 325 00:20:26,425 --> 00:20:27,793 Mr. Cartmanez. 326 00:20:39,838 --> 00:20:42,941 I reeeeched these keeeds. 327 00:20:45,744 --> 00:20:49,348 Students and faculty, please put your hands together 328 00:20:49,448 --> 00:20:53,285 and help me in welcoming back mister Garrison. 329 00:20:59,625 --> 00:21:02,461 Thanks, everyone. it's great to be back. 330 00:21:02,861 --> 00:21:07,132 I'm a man again. Thanks to my very special new friend. 331 00:21:09,768 --> 00:21:14,106 But you know, i've learned that i've really been a dude all along. 332 00:21:14,806 --> 00:21:19,978 Because the key difference between men and women, is that women can have babies. 333 00:21:20,312 --> 00:21:22,948 If you can't have babies, then you're a man. 334 00:21:24,916 --> 00:21:30,122 Woa, uh, wait. Hang on a second. My wife had ovarian cancer, so she can't have babies. 335 00:21:31,523 --> 00:21:34,760 Well, then get an AIDS test, Thompson, cuz your wife's a dude, faggot. 336 00:21:37,863 --> 00:21:39,965 Yeah, I'm back!