1 00:00:29,987 --> 00:00:32,860 I am so sick of that stupid bitch. 2 00:00:32,861 --> 00:00:34,552 Blabbing, prissy little skank! 3 00:00:34,553 --> 00:00:36,203 Why do people talk on the phone like that? 4 00:00:36,204 --> 00:00:37,729 I can't even get a minute of peace 5 00:00:37,730 --> 00:00:40,218 before that bitch walks in holding the cell phone out like this 6 00:00:40,219 --> 00:00:41,633 and talking on speakerphone. 7 00:00:41,634 --> 00:00:44,581 Nobody wants to hear your goddamn conversations you little bitch, 8 00:00:44,582 --> 00:00:45,801 you're not that important! 9 00:00:45,802 --> 00:00:46,549 Yeah, no dude, 10 00:00:46,550 --> 00:00:48,834 I'm telling you it was the worst pain in my entire life. 11 00:00:48,835 --> 00:00:50,367 How many hours were you guys playing? 12 00:00:50,368 --> 00:00:51,744 Like six hours dude. 13 00:00:51,745 --> 00:00:52,865 And my friends were all like 'dude 14 00:00:52,866 --> 00:00:54,438 Cartman we need you to keep playing defense.' 15 00:00:54,439 --> 00:00:55,471 urhggh! 16 00:00:55,736 --> 00:00:56,763 You were playing football? 17 00:00:56,764 --> 00:00:58,055 Yeah but I was like, 'I can't you guys, 18 00:00:58,056 --> 00:00:59,326 I twisted my ankle'. 19 00:00:59,396 --> 00:01:00,694 In the end though they really needed me to play 20 00:01:00,695 --> 00:01:01,458 so I played through the pain. 21 00:01:01,459 --> 00:01:02,323 Know what I'm saying? 22 00:01:02,324 --> 00:01:03,210 That is not what happened 23 00:01:03,211 --> 00:01:05,422 you totally started crying and quit the game! 24 00:01:05,923 --> 00:01:07,690 Kyle, this is a private conversation! 25 00:01:07,691 --> 00:01:09,537 Then take that shit off speakerphone! 26 00:01:09,538 --> 00:01:10,640 Is that that same kid? 27 00:01:10,641 --> 00:01:11,975 Yeah it's that kid Kyle again. 28 00:01:11,976 --> 00:01:12,921 He's a total boner. 29 00:01:12,922 --> 00:01:14,337 Always listening in on my phone calls. 30 00:01:14,338 --> 00:01:15,556 How do we have a choice? 31 00:01:15,557 --> 00:01:17,641 Stop listening to my conversation Kyle! 32 00:01:17,642 --> 00:01:18,851 What are you, the NSA? 33 00:01:19,194 --> 00:01:19,999 Lawrence, remember I was telling 34 00:01:20,000 --> 00:01:20,810 how the government listens to 35 00:01:20,811 --> 00:01:22,543 everyone's phone calls and reads all our emails? 36 00:01:22,544 --> 00:01:23,693 Yeah, yeah you said that. 37 00:01:23,694 --> 00:01:26,181 My dad said the government keeps a data base on everyone. 38 00:01:26,182 --> 00:01:27,967 - Who is that? Is that Toby? - Yeah. 39 00:01:27,968 --> 00:01:29,423 Dude, Toby are you over at Lawrence's? 40 00:01:29,424 --> 00:01:30,719 Yeah we're ditching school. 41 00:01:30,720 --> 00:01:31,826 You're what? What'd you say? 42 00:01:31,827 --> 00:01:33,488 Me and Toby are ditching school. 43 00:01:36,257 --> 00:01:37,044 I'm telling you guys 44 00:01:37,045 --> 00:01:38,617 the government thinks they can do whatever they want 45 00:01:38,618 --> 00:01:40,506 and we don't have any privacy anymore. 46 00:01:40,631 --> 00:01:41,511 Just between you and me, 47 00:01:41,512 --> 00:01:42,644 I think everyone is too stupid to see 48 00:01:42,645 --> 00:01:43,670 what this is all leading to. 49 00:01:43,671 --> 00:01:45,242 Did you guys read 1984? 50 00:01:45,243 --> 00:01:46,337 I don't think so. 51 00:01:46,338 --> 00:01:47,163 Yeah, I didn't read either 52 00:01:47,164 --> 00:01:49,050 but I saw the puppet show version at Casa Bonita. 53 00:01:49,051 --> 00:01:50,368 We have to do something about this. 54 00:01:50,369 --> 00:01:51,824 We need to organize a rally. 55 00:01:51,825 --> 00:01:52,689 That'd be cool. 56 00:01:52,690 --> 00:01:53,514 That'd be what? 57 00:01:53,515 --> 00:01:54,381 It'd be cool. 58 00:01:54,382 --> 00:01:56,190 I know right, a big rally to tell the government 59 00:01:56,191 --> 00:01:57,805 to stay out of our private lives! 60 00:01:57,806 --> 00:02:00,291 I'm gonna email everybody and put it up on my blog pages. 61 00:02:02,179 --> 00:02:04,418 I seriously feel like I'm being spied on right now. 62 00:02:04,419 --> 00:02:06,252 I'm sure the government has a file on me a mile long 63 00:02:06,253 --> 00:02:07,795 that's why this is so important, you know? 64 00:02:07,796 --> 00:02:08,954 Hang on I'm gonna make a video blog 65 00:02:08,955 --> 00:02:10,697 for my 'Stop Listening To Me' website. 66 00:02:10,754 --> 00:02:12,993 Wassup everybody it's me again just kickin' it at my school. 67 00:02:12,994 --> 00:02:13,843 There's gonna be a big rally 68 00:02:13,844 --> 00:02:16,163 to tell the government to stop gathering information on us. 69 00:02:16,164 --> 00:02:17,385 Gonna tweet you all the details 70 00:02:17,386 --> 00:02:19,203 but keep it quiet cuz it's top secret. 71 00:02:19,311 --> 00:02:21,016 You guys gonna update your blogs too? 72 00:02:21,182 --> 00:02:22,404 Dude I can't really hear you Lawrence 73 00:02:22,405 --> 00:02:23,584 are you outside or something? 74 00:02:23,585 --> 00:02:25,393 I said I got your tweet of the address. 75 00:02:25,394 --> 00:02:26,902 Okay. Well, put Toby back on the phone you gotta start 76 00:02:26,903 --> 00:02:28,986 googling everyone the directions to the rally site. 77 00:02:28,987 --> 00:02:30,008 Toby you there, bro? 78 00:02:30,009 --> 00:02:31,081 Yeah, I'm here bro. 79 00:02:31,082 --> 00:02:32,845 Bro you gotta, um, email Dex about the rally 80 00:02:32,846 --> 00:02:34,585 and see if he'll bring petition forms. 81 00:02:36,940 --> 00:02:40,841 Will you please take your rally conversation somewhere else? 82 00:02:40,909 --> 00:02:44,406 Oh hell no you did not just invade my privacy again. 83 00:02:44,407 --> 00:02:46,113 That is the last straw Kyle! 84 00:02:46,624 --> 00:02:47,468 Everybody! 85 00:02:47,469 --> 00:02:48,462 Everybody, hey! 86 00:02:48,846 --> 00:02:49,833 Just so you know 87 00:02:49,834 --> 00:02:52,380 we might have an NSA agent right here at our school. 88 00:02:52,819 --> 00:02:54,902 What's the NSA? 89 00:02:54,903 --> 00:02:56,194 Just so you know. 90 00:02:56,319 --> 00:02:58,687 The government is watching everything you do. 91 00:02:59,227 --> 00:03:00,414 Always watching. 92 00:03:00,415 --> 00:03:02,312 They say it's to keep us safe, 93 00:03:02,652 --> 00:03:04,549 but what price is safety, Kyle? 94 00:03:08,256 --> 00:03:10,388 The government watches everything we do? 95 00:03:19,426 --> 00:03:20,264 Hello? 96 00:03:23,004 --> 00:03:24,115 Hey government. 97 00:03:25,283 --> 00:03:26,199 It's me. 98 00:03:26,621 --> 00:03:27,538 Butters. 99 00:03:28,643 --> 00:03:30,186 I just wanna say, wul, 100 00:03:30,518 --> 00:03:33,768 thanks for watchin' over me and doing everything you do. 101 00:03:35,173 --> 00:03:37,531 And please watch over Mommy and Daddy. 102 00:03:37,532 --> 00:03:39,704 And my friends Stan and Kyle, 103 00:03:39,733 --> 00:03:41,158 Craig and Token. 104 00:03:41,540 --> 00:03:43,145 And even ol' Eric Cartman. 105 00:03:43,146 --> 00:03:44,757 I know he can be a meany sometimes, 106 00:03:44,758 --> 00:03:46,506 but please watch over him too. 107 00:03:47,518 --> 00:03:48,708 G'night government. 108 00:03:53,449 --> 00:03:54,683 Oh yeah! 109 00:03:55,630 --> 00:03:57,390 And thank you President Obama 110 00:03:57,391 --> 00:03:59,760 for making me feel so safe and looked after. 111 00:03:59,836 --> 00:04:01,794 And if it wouldn't be too much trouble, 112 00:04:01,919 --> 00:04:04,366 I'd really like to get a puppy for Christmas this year. 113 00:04:04,594 --> 00:04:05,627 Night, government! 114 00:04:08,565 --> 00:04:10,458 Dude they have gone too far this time! 115 00:04:11,056 --> 00:04:13,060 There is no doubt the government is tracking me. 116 00:04:13,061 --> 00:04:14,324 We're gonna have to put off the rally. 117 00:04:14,325 --> 00:04:15,464 They're spying on you? 118 00:04:15,465 --> 00:04:16,379 Yeah it's right here. 119 00:04:16,380 --> 00:04:18,536 I went to Amazon to see if they had grand theft auto five 120 00:04:18,537 --> 00:04:19,294 and it says ' 121 00:04:19,295 --> 00:04:22,242 you might also be interested in the Blu-Ray for Star Trek.' 122 00:04:22,243 --> 00:04:24,170 I'm totally interested in the Blu-Bay for Star Trek. 123 00:04:24,171 --> 00:04:24,908 How did they know that unless 124 00:04:24,909 --> 00:04:26,531 the government is keeping tabs on me? 125 00:04:26,797 --> 00:04:27,780 This is war bro. 126 00:04:27,781 --> 00:04:28,606 Forget the rally. 127 00:04:28,607 --> 00:04:29,763 We have to go hardcore. 128 00:04:29,764 --> 00:04:30,332 Like what? 129 00:04:30,333 --> 00:04:31,169 Alright. Listen, 130 00:04:31,475 --> 00:04:32,754 I'm gonna get a job at the NSA 131 00:04:32,755 --> 00:04:34,844 and then I'm going to put all their secrets up on Twitter. 132 00:04:34,845 --> 00:04:36,022 Nah don't do that. 133 00:04:36,023 --> 00:04:36,692 No dude, 134 00:04:36,693 --> 00:04:38,916 I'm gonna sneak into their headquarters disguised as an employee 135 00:04:38,917 --> 00:04:41,169 and I'm gonna ... hang ... hang on a second, Lawrence. 136 00:04:44,928 --> 00:04:46,589 I think we have a nosey Nancy in the room. 137 00:04:47,488 --> 00:04:49,276 Dude, my Twitter account might already be compromised. 138 00:04:49,277 --> 00:04:50,496 If I'm going to infiltrate the NSA 139 00:04:50,497 --> 00:04:51,761 and get all their secrets out to the public 140 00:04:51,762 --> 00:04:53,256 then I'm gonna need something better than Twitter. 141 00:04:53,257 --> 00:04:55,188 You need that new thing where you don't need to type. 142 00:04:55,189 --> 00:04:56,809 What they already something better than Twitter? 143 00:04:56,810 --> 00:04:58,373 You haven't you seen the Alec Baldwin commercial? 144 00:04:58,374 --> 00:05:00,152 No. What Alec Baldwin commercial? 145 00:05:01,477 --> 00:05:03,252 Hello, I'm Alec Baldwin. 146 00:05:03,253 --> 00:05:05,033 And I love social media. 147 00:05:05,062 --> 00:05:09,307 But sometimes I accidentally tweet things that are homophobic. 148 00:05:09,308 --> 00:05:10,761 I don't think that way, 149 00:05:10,886 --> 00:05:12,351 I just type that way. 150 00:05:12,419 --> 00:05:13,796 That's when I realized, 151 00:05:13,797 --> 00:05:15,920 it wasn't me that was homophobic. 152 00:05:15,921 --> 00:05:17,413 It was my thumbs, 153 00:05:17,414 --> 00:05:19,237 and they needed to be gotten rid of. 154 00:05:19,521 --> 00:05:20,309 Dah! 155 00:05:21,033 --> 00:05:21,985 Dowwww! 156 00:05:21,986 --> 00:05:23,596 So then the problem was, 157 00:05:23,597 --> 00:05:24,815 I don't have thumbs, 158 00:05:24,816 --> 00:05:26,332 but I know that everyone in America 159 00:05:26,333 --> 00:05:29,058 still wants to hear everything I have to say. 160 00:05:29,486 --> 00:05:31,422 Well, that's okay 161 00:05:31,491 --> 00:05:32,914 because now there's a device 162 00:05:32,915 --> 00:05:35,587 that can actually take the thoughts in your head, 163 00:05:35,588 --> 00:05:38,114 and send them directly to the Internet. 164 00:05:38,379 --> 00:05:40,355 It's called Shitter. 165 00:05:41,219 --> 00:05:43,735 Wires are grafted harmlessly into your skull 166 00:05:43,736 --> 00:05:44,885 and any thought you have 167 00:05:44,886 --> 00:05:46,267 is uploaded to the Internet 168 00:05:46,268 --> 00:05:49,146 and on to all your Shitter followers. 169 00:05:49,395 --> 00:05:51,117 I'm at a Yankees game right now. 170 00:05:51,242 --> 00:05:52,707 God I love baseball. 171 00:05:53,248 --> 00:05:56,291 People who take their cats on planes should be shot. 172 00:05:58,025 --> 00:06:00,443 I'm at a really great musical right now. 173 00:06:01,118 --> 00:06:04,065 In 1992, I had sex with the Queen of Monaco. 174 00:06:04,066 --> 00:06:06,396 I had my entire fist up her ass. 175 00:06:06,959 --> 00:06:09,091 Don't let your social media slow down your need 176 00:06:09,092 --> 00:06:10,799 to communicate with the world. 177 00:06:10,924 --> 00:06:14,258 Go direct from thought to Internet with Shitter. 178 00:06:14,383 --> 00:06:15,996 Just finished my Shitter commercial. 179 00:06:15,997 --> 00:06:18,246 Time to do find a pussy sandwich. 180 00:06:21,891 --> 00:06:23,656 Alright. Wassup everybody wassup. 181 00:06:23,657 --> 00:06:25,977 I'm about ready to go to the NSA undercover 182 00:06:25,978 --> 00:06:28,060 and see if I can expose some of their secrets. 183 00:06:28,061 --> 00:06:29,570 You can follow me on my Shitter account 184 00:06:29,571 --> 00:06:32,102 at hashtag keepthegovernmentoutofmybusiness.com. 185 00:06:32,103 --> 00:06:33,046 Wait! Shh. 186 00:06:33,047 --> 00:06:33,952 I gotta be careful. 187 00:06:33,953 --> 00:06:36,270 Kyle is here and I'm pretty sure he's trying to listen in. 188 00:06:36,395 --> 00:06:37,642 What the hell are you doing? 189 00:06:37,643 --> 00:06:38,373 Kyle, if you wouldn't mind, 190 00:06:38,374 --> 00:06:40,270 this broadcast is for my Shitter followers only. 191 00:06:40,693 --> 00:06:41,596 What's Shitter? 192 00:06:41,597 --> 00:06:42,736 Don't know if you've heard, but the government is 193 00:06:42,737 --> 00:06:45,117 actually able to monitor all our emails and Twitter accounts. 194 00:06:45,185 --> 00:06:46,456 With Shitter, I don't even need a cel phone, 195 00:06:46,457 --> 00:06:48,028 my thoughts are sent directly to the Internet, 196 00:06:48,029 --> 00:06:49,730 and then to everyone else on Shitter. 197 00:06:49,759 --> 00:06:50,636 Wow! 198 00:06:50,716 --> 00:06:51,462 Yes. 199 00:06:51,463 --> 00:06:52,918 Now as I infiltrate the NSA 200 00:06:52,919 --> 00:06:55,895 I'll be able to broadcast everything to all my Shitter followers. 201 00:06:56,120 --> 00:06:59,068 You're okay with everything you think going up on the Internet. 202 00:06:59,069 --> 00:07:01,033 Yeah because the government won't respect my privacy! 203 00:07:01,034 --> 00:07:02,528 How many people are on Shitter? 204 00:07:02,529 --> 00:07:03,512 Just two so far. 205 00:07:03,513 --> 00:07:04,868 Me and Alec Baldwin. 206 00:07:04,905 --> 00:07:06,294 I'm about to sit down and eat a sandwich 207 00:07:06,295 --> 00:07:09,046 at this amazing deli run by two faggots in Chelsea. 208 00:07:09,047 --> 00:07:09,997 Oh kewl. 209 00:07:09,998 --> 00:07:11,963 I'll have to try it out sometime. Lol. 210 00:07:11,964 --> 00:07:14,264 In 1982 I was at a party at Mike Douglas'house 211 00:07:14,265 --> 00:07:15,872 and I Kim Basinger. 212 00:07:15,873 --> 00:07:16,549 Wow, that's cool. 213 00:07:16,550 --> 00:07:18,331 She's cute, wink emoji. 214 00:07:22,692 --> 00:07:23,478 Oh my God. 215 00:07:23,479 --> 00:07:24,713 Oh God they saw me. 216 00:07:24,838 --> 00:07:26,894 They saw me and they're gonna be so angry. 217 00:07:26,928 --> 00:07:28,225 Maybe they didn't see me! 218 00:07:28,226 --> 00:07:28,983 No, 219 00:07:28,984 --> 00:07:29,731 no they saw me, 220 00:07:29,732 --> 00:07:30,844 they see everything. 221 00:07:31,305 --> 00:07:32,910 I did something really bad. 222 00:07:32,911 --> 00:07:34,140 Really, really bad. 223 00:07:34,759 --> 00:07:35,545 Next! 224 00:07:35,546 --> 00:07:36,450 Oh God! 225 00:07:36,451 --> 00:07:37,592 But my parents always told me, 226 00:07:37,593 --> 00:07:38,698 "if you do something horrible 227 00:07:38,699 --> 00:07:40,821 then you have to admit it to your protector 228 00:07:40,822 --> 00:07:42,355 so that you can have forgiveness." 229 00:07:42,356 --> 00:07:43,638 Are these people nice? 230 00:07:43,864 --> 00:07:45,239 DMV people? 231 00:07:45,240 --> 00:07:47,884 There the meanest people on planet earth. 232 00:07:48,273 --> 00:07:49,266 Oh geez. 233 00:07:50,043 --> 00:07:50,945 Oh God! 234 00:07:51,070 --> 00:07:52,063 Here we go. 235 00:07:56,272 --> 00:07:57,580 I yelled at a midget. 236 00:07:59,928 --> 00:08:01,579 I was watching MTV, 237 00:08:01,580 --> 00:08:03,134 and this little person was singing a song, 238 00:08:03,135 --> 00:08:04,907 I think her name was pink 239 00:08:04,908 --> 00:08:06,087 and I didn't like the song 240 00:08:06,088 --> 00:08:10,029 and so I yelled 'hey get off TV you midget!' 241 00:08:11,437 --> 00:08:12,493 and I, uh, 242 00:08:12,618 --> 00:08:14,778 I was at Barnes and nobles with my mom. 243 00:08:14,779 --> 00:08:16,116 And while she was looking for a book, 244 00:08:16,117 --> 00:08:18,564 I saw this picture of Jennifer Lawrence in a magazine. 245 00:08:19,041 --> 00:08:20,802 Um, and I ... wul, 246 00:08:20,927 --> 00:08:23,611 I cut the picture out of the magazine while no one was looking. 247 00:08:24,072 --> 00:08:24,918 There's more. 248 00:08:25,222 --> 00:08:26,402 I took the picture home with me. 249 00:08:26,403 --> 00:08:29,235 And I ... I cut Jennifer Lawrence's mouth out with scissors. 250 00:08:29,236 --> 00:08:31,605 And then I ... I put my wiener through the hole. 251 00:08:31,986 --> 00:08:33,334 I have no idea why! 252 00:08:33,362 --> 00:08:34,581 How can I atone for it? 253 00:08:34,582 --> 00:08:36,658 I already said the pledge of allegiance 50 times! 254 00:08:36,659 --> 00:08:38,626 And I sang 'my country tis of thee' a hundred times, 255 00:08:38,627 --> 00:08:40,813 and I watched 'America's Got Talent' twice! 256 00:08:40,882 --> 00:08:42,073 What else can I do? 257 00:08:43,528 --> 00:08:46,565 Why not a thousand 'Living In Americas'. 258 00:08:47,450 --> 00:08:48,893 Yes! Yes I will! 259 00:08:48,894 --> 00:08:49,915 Oh thank you! 260 00:08:49,916 --> 00:08:50,972 I will! 261 00:08:51,097 --> 00:08:53,142 Oh I feel so much better already! 262 00:08:53,196 --> 00:08:55,037 Livin' in America 263 00:08:55,162 --> 00:08:56,148 eye to eye 264 00:08:56,149 --> 00:08:57,144 hand to hand 265 00:08:57,409 --> 00:09:00,592 across the nation smoke track fat back! 266 00:09:00,593 --> 00:09:02,373 Many miles of railroad track! 267 00:09:02,663 --> 00:09:03,501 Say ow ow! 268 00:09:11,114 --> 00:09:12,231 Can I help you sir? 269 00:09:12,232 --> 00:09:14,364 Yes, I'm here to apply for the NSA job. 270 00:09:14,393 --> 00:09:15,932 Alright. And your name? 271 00:09:15,999 --> 00:09:16,914 Bill Clinton. 272 00:09:18,668 --> 00:09:21,113 I don't see you on the list, Mr. Clinton. 273 00:09:21,114 --> 00:09:23,715 Oh. Well, must be a clerical mistake, but they are expecting me. 274 00:09:23,716 --> 00:09:24,930 If you're ever in Los Angeles 275 00:09:24,931 --> 00:09:26,102 be sure to look up Jennifer Love Hewitt. 276 00:09:26,103 --> 00:09:27,498 She can make a pussy sandwich 277 00:09:27,499 --> 00:09:29,907 that will give those faggots in Chelsea a run for their money. 278 00:09:30,431 --> 00:09:31,661 What have you got, Patricia? 279 00:09:31,729 --> 00:09:34,636 Uh, this man says he has an interview for a job, sir. 280 00:09:34,637 --> 00:09:36,877 I am extremely qualified sir and very eager to work. 281 00:09:36,878 --> 00:09:39,317 I borrowed my brothers dick once to Daryl Hannah. 282 00:09:39,318 --> 00:09:41,753 I, uh, was sure the appointment was today. 283 00:09:41,754 --> 00:09:42,632 That's quite alright. 284 00:09:42,699 --> 00:09:44,387 The NSA needs all the help it can get 285 00:09:44,451 --> 00:09:45,875 come on upstairs and I'll show you around 286 00:09:46,000 --> 00:09:47,016 see if you'll fit for the job. 287 00:09:52,091 --> 00:09:52,957 Hello, sir. 288 00:09:52,958 --> 00:09:54,788 My colleague and I are going sru the neighborhood 289 00:09:54,789 --> 00:09:56,449 and see if you like to know the truth. 290 00:09:56,873 --> 00:09:58,298 Sure I love the truth! 291 00:09:58,299 --> 00:10:00,054 Okay. We from the Jehovah's Witness 292 00:10:00,055 --> 00:10:02,375 we are kingdom hall of Jehovah's Witness and we believe, 293 00:10:02,376 --> 00:10:05,356 sir that maybe people the interpret the Bible wong. 294 00:10:05,481 --> 00:10:07,407 What's a Jehovah's Witness? 295 00:10:07,408 --> 00:10:09,499 Yes sir, we believe the ... the truth. 296 00:10:09,500 --> 00:10:11,448 I was once like you I not know what to believe 297 00:10:11,449 --> 00:10:13,920 but then I let my provider Jehovah into my heart. 298 00:10:14,045 --> 00:10:14,999 Oh my goodness. 299 00:10:15,000 --> 00:10:17,213 Your little cartoon has a girl on fire! 300 00:10:17,445 --> 00:10:20,323 Yes, because Jehovah will bring judgment and all will perish, 301 00:10:20,324 --> 00:10:22,079 like the little girl will burn in the fire. 302 00:10:22,080 --> 00:10:24,400 Oh you shouldn't be handing out drawings like this, ma'am. 303 00:10:24,401 --> 00:10:26,792 Don't you know that the government is watching you? 304 00:10:26,917 --> 00:10:28,303 The government watching me? 305 00:10:28,647 --> 00:10:29,316 Whazze? 306 00:10:29,317 --> 00:10:30,743 He said the government watching us. 307 00:10:31,558 --> 00:10:32,344 Right now? 308 00:10:32,345 --> 00:10:33,642 How long they been watching us? 309 00:10:33,643 --> 00:10:34,990 Can I ask you something? 310 00:10:35,098 --> 00:10:37,541 When was the last time you went to your local DMV? 311 00:10:37,542 --> 00:10:39,244 I no go DMV. I don't have car. 312 00:10:39,245 --> 00:10:40,682 Oh you can walk there. 313 00:10:40,807 --> 00:10:44,237 Trust me, you gotta go to the DMV, it's incredible. 314 00:10:44,284 --> 00:10:45,493 See, I was like you once, 315 00:10:45,494 --> 00:10:46,869 afraid, unsure, 316 00:10:46,870 --> 00:10:48,052 doin' stuff I shouldn't do 317 00:10:48,053 --> 00:10:49,422 like showing people pictures of little girls 318 00:10:49,423 --> 00:10:50,675 with their heads on fire. 319 00:10:50,800 --> 00:10:52,187 But you know what I've learned? 320 00:10:52,255 --> 00:10:53,665 That just going to the DMV 321 00:10:53,666 --> 00:10:55,375 and letting go of all my wrong doings 322 00:10:55,376 --> 00:10:58,087 filled me with a joy I had felt nowhere else. 323 00:10:58,088 --> 00:11:00,379 Would you like to read some DMV literature? 324 00:11:00,997 --> 00:11:03,356 This'll tell you most of what you need to know about the DMV. 325 00:11:03,357 --> 00:11:04,281 But just go, 326 00:11:04,282 --> 00:11:05,984 everyone there is really nice. 327 00:11:06,092 --> 00:11:07,390 Your government is watching you, 328 00:11:07,391 --> 00:11:09,119 and your government wants you to be happy. 329 00:11:09,120 --> 00:11:10,162 Have a nice day! 330 00:11:15,128 --> 00:11:16,357 Right this way, bill. 331 00:11:16,622 --> 00:11:18,901 Welcome to the NSA main office. 332 00:11:18,902 --> 00:11:19,617 Ah yes. 333 00:11:19,618 --> 00:11:21,943 So this is where the government checks up on its citizens. 334 00:11:21,944 --> 00:11:23,877 There's a lot of people working here at the NSA. 335 00:11:23,878 --> 00:11:24,487 Good people. 336 00:11:24,488 --> 00:11:26,085 People who just want to keep America safe. 337 00:11:26,086 --> 00:11:28,640 Only problem is checking all those emails, Twitter accounts 338 00:11:28,641 --> 00:11:29,978 and surveilling all those phone calls 339 00:11:29,979 --> 00:11:31,245 can take a lot of manpower. 340 00:11:31,246 --> 00:11:32,033 Hey Joe. 341 00:11:32,034 --> 00:11:32,976 What'chyou got Miller? 342 00:11:32,977 --> 00:11:34,921 Got a 24-yearold male in Albuquerque. 343 00:11:34,922 --> 00:11:35,863 He just emailed his wife 344 00:11:35,864 --> 00:11:37,575 and asked if she could go to the store after work. 345 00:11:37,643 --> 00:11:39,733 Then he called a fitness center to set up a membership. 346 00:11:39,734 --> 00:11:40,621 He liked the fitness center 347 00:11:40,622 --> 00:11:42,833 so he tweeted his friends that they should try it out. 348 00:11:43,752 --> 00:11:44,866 Alright, keep an eye on him. 349 00:11:44,867 --> 00:11:46,163 Let me know if anything changes. 350 00:11:46,164 --> 00:11:47,002 Will do. 351 00:11:47,268 --> 00:11:49,076 It's a never-ending grind here at the NSA, 352 00:11:49,077 --> 00:11:50,452 and it seems there's never enough detectives 353 00:11:50,453 --> 00:11:51,802 to keep track of everyone. 354 00:11:52,432 --> 00:11:54,115 Sergeant! What have you got, Lawson? 355 00:11:54,116 --> 00:11:56,325 Got a 17-year-old female down in Jacksonville. 356 00:11:56,326 --> 00:11:57,225 She called her friend and asked if 357 00:11:57,226 --> 00:11:59,074 she wanted to go see the Percy Jackson movie. 358 00:11:59,075 --> 00:12:01,394 Then she emailed her mom at work at asked if it was okay. 359 00:12:01,395 --> 00:12:02,270 The mom said yes, 360 00:12:02,271 --> 00:12:03,169 but called her husband first to make sure 361 00:12:03,170 --> 00:12:04,857 there weren't already dinner plans. 362 00:12:04,858 --> 00:12:06,519 Alright, keep an eye on all three of 'em. 363 00:12:06,520 --> 00:12:07,357 Will do. 364 00:12:08,378 --> 00:12:09,706 If you think you've got the stomach for it 365 00:12:09,707 --> 00:12:11,592 then we could definitely use your help, young man. 366 00:12:11,593 --> 00:12:13,087 Sir, you might wanna go check this out. 367 00:12:13,088 --> 00:12:13,783 What have you got? 368 00:12:13,784 --> 00:12:15,827 32-year-old pizza delivery man. 369 00:12:15,828 --> 00:12:17,115 He just put on his Twitter account 370 00:12:17,116 --> 00:12:19,664 that he hates America and wants to blow up the Lincoln memorial. 371 00:12:23,260 --> 00:12:24,596 16 pm, 372 00:12:24,597 --> 00:12:25,566 the chief asked me to join him 373 00:12:25,567 --> 00:12:27,533 as he went to question the possible suspect. 374 00:12:27,534 --> 00:12:28,832 I agreed to go along. 375 00:12:28,833 --> 00:12:31,947 Hopefully the NSA has no idea of my secret intentions. 376 00:12:33,392 --> 00:12:34,315 Lol 377 00:12:39,703 --> 00:12:41,038 well, well the NSA. 378 00:12:41,039 --> 00:12:42,044 I should have known. 379 00:12:42,045 --> 00:12:43,932 We want to talk to you about some tweets you've been tweeting. 380 00:12:43,933 --> 00:12:45,870 Hey man I was just blowing smoke. 381 00:12:45,898 --> 00:12:47,463 Say what right does the government have 382 00:12:47,464 --> 00:12:48,960 reading my private emails anyway? 383 00:12:48,961 --> 00:12:50,965 Haven't you squares ever heard of the constitution? 384 00:12:50,966 --> 00:12:51,989 Yeah we've heard of that. 385 00:12:51,990 --> 00:12:53,875 We've also heard of the declaration of independence. 386 00:12:53,876 --> 00:12:55,917 See, there's a lot of people out there who think like you. 387 00:12:55,918 --> 00:12:57,411 People who think their government doesn't have the right 388 00:12:57,412 --> 00:12:59,765 to go around poking their noses in the emails of its citizens 389 00:12:59,848 --> 00:13:01,875 that is until a plane flies into a couple towers 390 00:13:01,876 --> 00:13:03,159 and a little girl loses her life. 391 00:13:03,160 --> 00:13:05,355 You wanna live in the land of the free and home of the brave, 392 00:13:05,356 --> 00:13:07,246 but the brave can't be free if the land isn't home 393 00:13:07,247 --> 00:13:08,832 and that land won't be home so long as 394 00:13:08,833 --> 00:13:11,145 folks out there want to take that American flag and shove it 395 00:13:11,146 --> 00:13:13,161 so far up your anus that you crap stars and stripes 396 00:13:13,162 --> 00:13:15,094 for a week and as your sittin' there on the toilet with the star 397 00:13:15,095 --> 00:13:17,686 spangled montezuma's revenge there's one thing I can 398 00:13:17,687 --> 00:13:18,868 yeah, what's that? 399 00:13:18,869 --> 00:13:20,800 You won't care who's checking your Twitter account then. 400 00:13:21,599 --> 00:13:23,177 I never thought of it that way. 401 00:13:23,343 --> 00:13:26,374 I fucked Jack lemmon's makeup girl in a porta potty. 402 00:13:31,381 --> 00:13:32,225 Hello, Craig! 403 00:13:32,226 --> 00:13:34,056 How would you like to know the truth? 404 00:13:34,874 --> 00:13:35,947 The truth about what? 405 00:13:35,948 --> 00:13:37,224 We're just goin' through the neighborhood 406 00:13:37,225 --> 00:13:39,193 and seeing if you've accepted the government into your heart. 407 00:13:39,564 --> 00:13:41,446 Uh no, I don't think so. 408 00:13:41,447 --> 00:13:44,324 Yes sir my colleague and I ... we want to share our experience at DMV. 409 00:13:44,325 --> 00:13:45,614 We went to DMV and we admit to 410 00:13:45,615 --> 00:13:47,896 all our shortcoming and sins and a big tidal wave of a peace and 411 00:13:47,897 --> 00:13:50,037 sherinity went over our soul and touch our heart. 412 00:13:51,134 --> 00:13:52,039 Okay. 413 00:13:53,123 --> 00:13:55,511 You see Craig, once I came clean with the government, 414 00:13:55,512 --> 00:13:57,171 I no longer had anything to hide. 415 00:13:57,172 --> 00:14:01,085 Then I found peace. Have you read any DMV 416 00:14:01,086 --> 00:14:02,525 uhhh no. 417 00:14:02,526 --> 00:14:04,785 Wul there's a lot of interesting stuff in here Craig, 418 00:14:04,786 --> 00:14:07,170 there's even some quotes from President Obama. 419 00:14:07,660 --> 00:14:09,476 Could you read this part out loud? 420 00:14:09,952 --> 00:14:14,833 "Your local DMV is funded by your tax dollars to be efficient 421 00:14:14,834 --> 00:14:16,371 and ****. 422 00:14:16,496 --> 00:14:17,495 Yeah. 423 00:14:17,496 --> 00:14:20,289 What do you think President Obama means when he says that? 424 00:14:20,290 --> 00:14:21,902 I have no idea. 425 00:14:21,903 --> 00:14:23,160 Well, we believe that 426 00:14:23,161 --> 00:14:26,220 he means the government loves you. And it wants to forgive you 427 00:14:26,221 --> 00:14:28,669 if you just let the government into your heart. 428 00:14:28,670 --> 00:14:30,931 Yes sir, see I use to be like you I go around sending the 429 00:14:30,932 --> 00:14:33,111 nasty email send the nasty text put up the nasty pictures 430 00:14:33,112 --> 00:14:35,426 on my nassy Facebook. But then I realize all of these 431 00:14:35,427 --> 00:14:37,877 they live forever because government keep a file on us. 432 00:14:38,043 --> 00:14:40,832 So all that live forever up in what they call the cloud. 433 00:14:40,833 --> 00:14:43,337 If the government, sir, if they gonna put that file in the cloud 434 00:14:43,338 --> 00:14:45,145 then I wanna make sure I come clean about the bad ones maybe 435 00:14:45,146 --> 00:14:47,073 get those things off my record off the cloud. 436 00:14:47,074 --> 00:14:48,982 Because we live forever, in the cloud. 437 00:14:49,724 --> 00:14:52,041 Uh huh. Did you follow all that Craig? 438 00:14:52,042 --> 00:14:54,161 I don't really think I followed all that. 439 00:14:57,778 --> 00:15:00,198 I've done it. I've infiltrated the NSA 440 00:15:00,199 --> 00:15:01,359 and gained their trust. 441 00:15:02,158 --> 00:15:03,370 So far I have not ascertained 442 00:15:03,371 --> 00:15:05,407 how they are able to keep track of everyone in the country. 443 00:15:05,408 --> 00:15:08,897 But I'm close, very close. I just hope that I'm not found out 444 00:15:08,898 --> 00:15:12,072 as a whistle blower before I'm able to expose their entire operation. 445 00:15:12,102 --> 00:15:13,660 what is that voice? 446 00:15:13,661 --> 00:15:15,750 Some little faggot in my head. 447 00:15:15,770 --> 00:15:17,782 Hey so um, as I'm going through people's emails and 448 00:15:17,783 --> 00:15:19,915 phone calls, um, how do I know which people to start with? 449 00:15:19,916 --> 00:15:21,803 Pretty simple. Everyone has a file. 450 00:15:21,804 --> 00:15:24,332 People who have a status of threat, possible threat or 451 00:15:24,333 --> 00:15:26,369 person of interest are the ones we really want to look at. 452 00:15:26,370 --> 00:15:29,303 The more we pay attention to them, the bigger their file becomes. 453 00:15:30,149 --> 00:15:31,862 Really? How big is my file? 454 00:15:32,653 --> 00:15:36,064 Uh, that is-uh, you must have a pretty big file on Eric Cartman. 455 00:15:36,065 --> 00:15:38,342 All his blogs and emails have been watched for quite some time. 456 00:15:38,343 --> 00:15:40,883 Jarvis, what have we got on an Eric Cartman. 457 00:15:40,884 --> 00:15:42,509 Any files on Eric Cartman? 458 00:15:42,510 --> 00:15:44,430 Oh yeah, we tracked him for a little bit 459 00:15:44,431 --> 00:15:48,656 but central computer designated his status as fat and unimportant. 460 00:15:49,602 --> 00:15:52,033 uh trust me, he's not fat and unimportant. 461 00:15:52,034 --> 00:15:54,739 I think we need to change his status to ripped and sweet. 462 00:15:55,726 --> 00:15:56,564 Excuse me. 463 00:15:56,565 --> 00:15:59,022 Excuse me, there is a very important threat to national security. 464 00:15:59,023 --> 00:16:01,210 We need to change Eric Cartman's status 465 00:16:01,560 --> 00:16:05,273 and that's when I masturbated to game of thrones. 466 00:16:05,274 --> 00:16:07,262 I know it was wrong to masturbate 467 00:16:07,263 --> 00:16:10,603 and I know it was especially wrong to masturbate while on duty 468 00:16:10,604 --> 00:16:11,363 what the ... 469 00:16:11,364 --> 00:16:12,880 why do these people keep coming here? 470 00:16:12,881 --> 00:16:15,867 But I am done forever with game of thrones. 471 00:16:15,868 --> 00:16:16,911 Next please! 472 00:16:17,036 --> 00:16:17,727 Thank you! 473 00:16:18,735 --> 00:16:20,367 Yay!!!! 474 00:16:20,368 --> 00:16:22,747 Congratulations, brother! How do you feel? 475 00:16:22,748 --> 00:16:25,026 I feel really good. 476 00:16:26,900 --> 00:16:30,283 Wow! Those people over there seem like they're having fun. 477 00:16:30,313 --> 00:16:33,307 I can't think of anywhere I'd rather be, then at the DMV with 478 00:16:33,308 --> 00:16:35,779 all you wonderful people! Now let's all pledge allegiance! 479 00:16:35,904 --> 00:16:37,274 I pledge allegiance 480 00:16:37,275 --> 00:16:38,395 to the flag! Of the united 481 00:16:38,396 --> 00:16:41,369 what the hell is going on here? This is the DMV! 482 00:16:41,370 --> 00:16:43,165 There'll be no joy here! 483 00:16:43,166 --> 00:16:46,370 uh, people keep showing up and telling us what they did wrong. 484 00:16:46,371 --> 00:16:47,920 Hey I'm just trying to renew my license. 485 00:16:47,921 --> 00:16:49,008 How much longer I gotta wait? 486 00:16:49,133 --> 00:16:50,273 Shut up! 487 00:16:50,274 --> 00:16:52,682 Sit there and wait and no cel phones or other things 488 00:16:52,683 --> 00:16:53,930 that pass time joyously! 489 00:16:54,055 --> 00:16:56,265 I'm gonna put a stop to this. 490 00:16:58,408 --> 00:17:01,430 Look, I am telling you that you are making a huge mistake. 491 00:17:01,431 --> 00:17:03,935 Eric Cartman is the NSA's worst nightmare. 492 00:17:03,936 --> 00:17:05,530 Not according to the central computer. 493 00:17:05,655 --> 00:17:06,725 The central computer is wrong. 494 00:17:06,850 --> 00:17:08,170 You need to change his status. 495 00:17:08,295 --> 00:17:10,138 Sorry, but if central computer says 496 00:17:10,139 --> 00:17:12,198 he's not a threat then we can't do anything. 497 00:17:12,750 --> 00:17:14,570 Can't do anything? You're the NSA. 498 00:17:14,571 --> 00:17:16,503 There's 300 million people out there. 499 00:17:16,504 --> 00:17:18,436 How do you think we're able to keep track of every single 500 00:17:18,437 --> 00:17:19,574 person in this country? 501 00:17:19,575 --> 00:17:22,077 How do you think we're able to really know who is doing what? 502 00:17:22,202 --> 00:17:23,275 I don't know. 503 00:17:23,276 --> 00:17:26,786 Alright, I'll show you. But this is very top security stuff. 504 00:17:26,787 --> 00:17:29,644 Because if people knew how we did it, then everyone would do it. 505 00:17:29,645 --> 00:17:30,792 Then our enemies would do it. 506 00:17:30,793 --> 00:17:33,208 We can't let our enemies get their hands on this. 507 00:17:33,209 --> 00:17:34,721 Get their hands on what? 508 00:17:42,049 --> 00:17:44,480 This is how we know who's a threat and who's not. 509 00:17:44,605 --> 00:17:47,316 How we know who is sleeping, and who's awake. 510 00:17:47,336 --> 00:17:48,739 How we know ... 511 00:17:52,567 --> 00:17:54,597 you think I'm fat and unimportant now? 512 00:17:54,598 --> 00:17:57,773 I am Eric Cartman! And I've got news for you. 513 00:17:57,774 --> 00:18:00,196 This is all being broadcast live on my Twitter zeppelin 514 00:18:00,197 --> 00:18:02,872 and on Alec Baldwin's new television show via Shitter! 515 00:18:02,873 --> 00:18:06,172 Hi everybody and welcome to my new show on MSNBC, 516 00:18:06,173 --> 00:18:08,733 "Free Pass With Alec Baldwin" 517 00:18:08,734 --> 00:18:10,162 your secret is out NSA! 518 00:18:10,163 --> 00:18:11,639 And now that everyone knows what you're doing to Santa you can 519 00:18:11,764 --> 00:18:13,092 you can kiss your problem goodbye. 520 00:18:13,989 --> 00:18:16,028 You should have taken me down when you had the chance. 521 00:18:16,029 --> 00:18:17,695 Now everyone knows the truth. 522 00:18:17,696 --> 00:18:20,140 And everyone's gonna think I'm super cool. 523 00:18:25,348 --> 00:18:27,937 Eric, honey, what's the matter? 524 00:18:28,334 --> 00:18:29,882 It didn't work, mom. 525 00:18:29,883 --> 00:18:33,200 I infiltrated the NSA and I was a whistleblower and I thought 526 00:18:33,201 --> 00:18:35,857 everyone would be super pissed off at what I exposed about the 527 00:18:35,858 --> 00:18:39,190 government, but nobody cares! Nobody cares that the government 528 00:18:39,191 --> 00:18:42,000 is listening in on everything. Nobody cares that Santa Claus 529 00:18:42,001 --> 00:18:43,831 hooked up to a big horrible machine! 530 00:18:43,997 --> 00:18:46,762 I know that the NSA is torturing Santa, sweetie, 531 00:18:46,763 --> 00:18:48,465 but they're keeping us safe. 532 00:18:48,466 --> 00:18:51,558 No, now you just sound like everybody else! 533 00:18:51,813 --> 00:18:53,671 Honey, it's okay. 534 00:18:53,672 --> 00:18:54,818 It's not going to be okay 535 00:18:54,819 --> 00:18:56,570 because now I'm a whistleblower against my country 536 00:18:56,571 --> 00:18:58,923 and I'm gonna have to hide out in Russsiaaaaaa. 537 00:18:58,924 --> 00:19:01,239 No, you don't have to fly to Russia hon. 538 00:19:03,864 --> 00:19:05,774 No, it'll be fine. 539 00:19:05,775 --> 00:19:09,172 How about I make you some hot tea with lemon and codeine? 540 00:19:09,692 --> 00:19:11,404 Okay. 541 00:19:13,658 --> 00:19:15,893 I just want hot tea and codeine, mom. 542 00:19:16,258 --> 00:19:17,698 Okay hon! 543 00:19:23,136 --> 00:19:26,040 Hello. How would you like to know the truth? 544 00:19:27,529 --> 00:19:29,200 The fuck are you talking about Butters? 545 00:19:29,201 --> 00:19:31,513 It's time to let go, Eric. 546 00:19:32,302 --> 00:19:34,354 Don't you see there's no other way? 547 00:19:34,355 --> 00:19:36,587 Just let the government into your heart. 548 00:19:37,178 --> 00:19:38,629 It's too late for me, Butters. 549 00:19:38,630 --> 00:19:41,215 I have to go to Russia and live with the commie dwarves. 550 00:19:41,617 --> 00:19:45,447 It's never too late. There's a place where you can start over. 551 00:19:45,675 --> 00:19:46,530 what's this? 552 00:19:46,531 --> 00:19:49,348 Your government doesn't listen in on you to punish you. 553 00:19:49,392 --> 00:19:52,826 Your government just wants you to be honest about your mistakes. 554 00:19:53,102 --> 00:19:54,253 I can be forgiven? 555 00:19:54,254 --> 00:19:56,639 For everything bad I've ever done. 556 00:19:56,640 --> 00:19:57,496 yes. 557 00:19:57,497 --> 00:19:59,453 And then all I have to do is go back to this place every time 558 00:19:59,454 --> 00:20:01,685 I do something wrong and admit it and I'm forgiven again? 559 00:20:01,775 --> 00:20:03,121 That's right. 560 00:20:04,560 --> 00:20:05,929 That's pretty cool. 561 00:20:10,044 --> 00:20:11,826 We've got a new member today! 562 00:20:12,961 --> 00:20:14,876 Eric Cartman, do you love your country? 563 00:20:14,877 --> 00:20:16,264 I do! I love my country! 564 00:20:16,265 --> 00:20:18,327 Do you pledge allegiance to the fly? 565 00:20:18,328 --> 00:20:19,110 I pledge it! 566 00:20:19,111 --> 00:20:20,522 I fucking pledge that allegiance! 567 00:20:20,523 --> 00:20:21,720 Hallelujah! 568 00:20:24,340 --> 00:20:26,219 You want us to kick them out of here? 569 00:20:26,220 --> 00:20:27,286 No. 570 00:20:27,287 --> 00:20:30,224 No leave them alone. It's a nice change to see people 571 00:20:30,225 --> 00:20:33,889 happy to be at the DMV. Perhaps we here at the DMV can 572 00:20:33,890 --> 00:20:36,561 start changing as well. Perhaps instead of treating 573 00:20:36,562 --> 00:20:39,431 people badly, we can offer them comfort and hope. 574 00:20:39,556 --> 00:20:42,901 Why, the DMV can be a place where people come to get things 575 00:20:42,902 --> 00:20:46,310 off their chest, confess, yes, but also be told that they're 576 00:20:46,311 --> 00:20:49,695 worth something in this world. And then DMV's everywhere can 577 00:20:49,696 --> 00:20:51,880 become a place where people feel safe. 578 00:20:51,881 --> 00:20:55,047 And when they do something wrong, we can offer forgiveness. 579 00:20:55,048 --> 00:20:57,183 Don't you see what this could lead to? 580 00:20:57,308 --> 00:20:59,775 Don't you see what we could become? 581 00:21:00,583 --> 00:21:04,484 The DMV was shut down today after rampant allegations of sex 582 00:21:04,485 --> 00:21:06,833 with young boys. The heads of the DMV were arrested 583 00:21:06,834 --> 00:21:10,659 and the director said : "Hey, it came with the territory." 584 00:21:10,660 --> 00:21:13,138 With the dvm shut down, Americans are being asked to 585 00:21:13,139 --> 00:21:16,764 confess wrong doings at their nearest post office. 586 00:21:18,373 --> 00:21:21,557 We've just received word that the U.S. postal service has been 587 00:21:21,558 --> 00:21:25,694 shut down due to rampant allegations of sex with young boys. 588 00:21:25,695 --> 00:21:26,991 It now appears that the only 589 00:21:26,992 --> 00:21:29,660 people who can be trusted with confessions and guidance 590 00:21:29,661 --> 00:21:31,679 is your local news station. 591 00:21:31,716 --> 00:21:35,169 WMZ News will be back in a young boy.