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This is closed-circuit television
for South Park Elementary School. And now,

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Super School News.
News made for students, by students.

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Welcome to Ssuper School News.
I'm Jimmy Valmer.

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And I'm Rick Cartman.

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The price of milk money will go up
next Monday to 49 cents. The school claims

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the added money is due to
the cow shortage in South Park County.

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Parent-teacher conferences will be held this Wednesday night,
from seven to nine.

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So kids, get a lot of playing
in before you get grounded.

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And now, for a look at what's on the menu
for school lunch today, here's Stan Marsh.

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Eric, it looks as though the school will be serving a chicken cutlet.
Now that's traditionally a uh,

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a white meat chicken... breast,
if you will, that has been breaded,

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and then cooked. I've been told there
will also be tater-tots, and a vegetable dish.

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This is really shaping up to be
a ah ah one fantastic lunch. Eric?

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...Hard-hitting reporting, Stan. Thanks a lot. And now,
here with the celebrity watch is Butters Stotch.

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Butters, seen any celebrities?

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Nu-noo, not yet. I've been standin' out
in front of the school for about.

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.. two hours now ah, and I haven't seen any celebrities.

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Uh about thirty minutes ago I thought I saw Sigourney Weaver,
but ih ih turn- it turns out it was a dead horse.

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All right, Butters, keep your eyes open.

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Will do.

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More snow for South P... p-p Park. Here's
Token Black with the weather.

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Jimmy and Eric, it looks like a massive
snow storm is headed South Park's way.

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I asked my

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dad last night and he said that he heard
the snow storm is expected on Tuesday.

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Guys?

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Kyle Broflovski now joins us for a look at sports. And Kyle,
the girls' basketball team just can't get it right.

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Another devastating loss for the Cows last night,
Eric. They were ahead

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in the game until Kelly Anderson
crying because she missed her daddy,

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who's on a business trip in Thailand. Uh,
Kelly was so upset she couldn't play,

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and the Cows had to forfeit.

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Cows are on a six and O slide since Kelly's
father left for that business trip.

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And that's all for Super School News.
Enjoy your day at South Park Eh-.

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.. eh- ... eh- ... eh-

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ehehehehe

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eh- ... Elementary.

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And we're cut!

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All right, nice reporting, guys. Nice.

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Boy, that was a GREAT episode!

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Yeah, I think that was one of our best shows yet.

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Boys, I'm afraid I have some bad news.
The school has to cancel your show...

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What??

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For God's sake, why Mr. M-m-Meryl?

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Well, the students just aren't watching ya.
Your rating was only a four this whole week.

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How many students is that?

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Four.

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Four students watch your show. And meanwhile,
Craig's show is getting a 57!

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...Craig's show??

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What is that butthole doing now?!

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O- hoh, it's brilliant! It's all just video footage
of animals close-up with a wide angle lens.

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Animals Close-Up With A Wide Angle Lens.

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But that's... that's crap! That's not even TV!

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It's what the students want,
and it's cheaper to make than your show.

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Just one person and a video camera.

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Craig is a genius. Uh sorry, kids.

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But, Mr. Meryl, we're trying to bring the news to the students.
They need to know the facts,

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and our news team them, very much.

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Kids don't care about the news, boys. It's boring.
Kids wanna see animals,

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close-up, with a wide angle lens.

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Please, Mr. Meryl, but, the news is our life.
Without it, we have nothing.

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I'm sorry, kids. Y-y-you should be proud of what you've done.
It's just that it's kind of gay.

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...You're gay!!

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Gee whiz. We sure worked hard on that new show.

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Apparently it doesn't matter how hard you work.

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Hello boys, ready to do some whistlin'?

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Fuck off, Whistlin' Willy.
We're not in the mood.

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If you want a pizza,
you've gotta whistle.

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Come on!

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There you go!

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God, I wish we had a Pizza Hut in South Park!

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Hey look, Craig just walked in.

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Yeah!

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Hey look, it's Craig!

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Hey, Craig, over here!

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Geez, and all that from a stupid video show.

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Oh hey guys. Heard about
your news show being cancelled.

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Go play with yourself, Craig.

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Yeah, well, I've got an overall
deal with the school, heh.

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They're paying me six dollars
a week to come up with new shows.

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Your idea took about this much thought, Craig!

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This much more than you had!

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Hey, a round of root beers for everyone! On me!

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(Woohoo!)

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Kenny, what the hell are
you doing with this asshole??

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(Craig just asked me to do his show, geez.)

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You're helping Craig make his show?! I can't
believe you would betray us like that?!

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We've always been supercool to you!

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Hah ha ha ha ha ha
We're gonna do a neeew show

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And you can't do it with us
because you are too poor

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and poor people don't watch the news
nyanyanyanyanya nya

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Ah whatever, Kenny!

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Hey gang, I brought the new episode
of wide angle close-up animals.

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Put it, put it up on the, monitors!

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Cuuute.

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Super cuuute.

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Gah, I just don't get it.

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Wow, those animals are pretty cute.

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Token! Now, come on, guys! We worked too hard to just
roll over for Craig and his stupid overall deal.

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Instead of sitting here feeling sorry for ourselves,

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we just need to figure out how
to make our show better!

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Yeah. Maybe if we can get higher ratings by
the end of the week, he'll let us stay on the air!

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Well, what are we waitin' for?!

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Come on, guys!

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All right, we all need to come
up with ideas for our show.

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How about we revamp the name?
Super School News sounds dry.

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It should be Sexy News.

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Action News.

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Yeah, Sexy Action, that's good.

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Maybe the problem is we don't
have very good stories to report on.

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Right. We should make up stories, because
they'll be far more interesting.

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Hey, yeah. Uhwhy I could say I saw celebrities even though I didn't,
a- a-and then lie about what I saw them doing.

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Nice, Butters, write that down!

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Lie about celebrities.

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We have to appeal to all the students, so we,
we need hot girls for the sixth graders...

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And panda bears for the preschoolers.

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Good!

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Maybe we need to make students think they have
to watch our news show or they'll die.

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Yeah! We should make up a bunch of reports
about how dangerous it is to be alive.

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Oh boy!

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Fellas, are you sure all of this ie eh- ethical?

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We're in fourth grade, Timmy.
We don't even know what ethical means.

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All right, Sexy Action School News Team,
it's time to go to work.

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Get out there and get some stories!

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Sexy Action School News Team, ho!

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Ah, Token, can I have a quick word with you?

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Look, Token, I, I know the guys are having
trouble bringing this up with you,

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but uh.

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.. Well the thing is, Token, we... we really
need to revamp your whole TV persona.

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Huh?

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You see Token, people really enjoy seeing
African-Americans on the news.

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.. Seeing African-Americans on the news,
not hearing them.

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That's why all African-Americans newspeople learn to talk more.
.. wha, how should I say... white.

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Token, all the great African-Americans
newspeople have learned to hide

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their ebonic tribespeak with
a more pure Caucasian dialect.

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There's no shame in it,
and I think it'll really help our ratings.

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This is South Park Elementary School
closed-circuit television. And now,

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Time for the Sexy Action School News!!

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Is South Park about to explode from a methane gas leak?
More on that later. But first,

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Stan Marsh has a look at some
new outfits for the Raisins girls!

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Woohoo! Woohoo!

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Eric, the outfits are even skimpier than before,
leaving very little to the imagination.

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No doubt that if I were a little older, I would be aroused.

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Woowoo!!

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And now, for a look at the weather, here is Token Black,
and Token, I hope there's no tornadoes headed our way.

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No tornadoes, Eric, but interestingly enough, there is a low-pressure
storm moving in over the Park County Valley.

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Should bring us some chilly days ahead.

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The Park County School Board has approved
a bigger budget for the computer lab up-

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Oooo, hang on, Jimmy, it looks like Kyle has
the jinx on some students' bathroom habits.

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Kyle?

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Eric, sources are speculating
that third-grade student, Pete Thelman,

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pees sitting down like a girl. We've also
got confirmation that Sally Turner

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stuffs her bra. And Clyde Donovan has only one testicle.

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One testicle!

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What an asshole!

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Uh oh, looks like it's Panda Bear Madness Minute!

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Oh yeah, Panda Bear Madness! And now, let's
get a look at the celebrity scene shot,

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with Butters.

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This isn't the news,
this is a tr-tr-tr... travesty.

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All right, so after my report on the unsanitary
conditions of the school cafeteria,

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we're goin' to Kyle for the story on Brian Teeves
trying to make out with Susan Farkle.

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Then let's do Token's report on how global warming
is going to kill everyone in the fifth grade.

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That is a terrific idea, Stan, A-Okay.

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Fellas! Fellas, I got fant-tastic news! The vice-President,
Dick Cheney, was in Denver yesterday,

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and I got an interview with him for our news show.

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Oooo, interview with the vice-President, hmmm.
Frankly, Jimmy, I don't know how we're

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gonna fit that in between cheerleader pie-eating
and Who's got Skidmark Monday.

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But this is real news!

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It's boring news, Jimmy.

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How do you know??
You you haven't s-seen it yet!

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All right, tell me about it.

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Well, in the interview,
Mr. Cheney tells me all about how the-

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Aww! Ohh! God, I just got so sleepy. I'm sorry,
what were we talking about?

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Look, fellas, I've got a real problem with
the direction our news show is going!

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We're dumbing down the school!

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00:10:04,787 --> 00:10:06,896
No, Jimmy, the school is already dumb.
We're just giving them what they want.

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We're making the news more appealing to students.

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This isn't the news!
This a b-b-bastardized quest for ratings!

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Damnit, we have a journalistic responsibliltiy
to bring students the fa.

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.. the facts!

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Don't you see what we've done? In our efforts
to compete with Craig's small-minded show,

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we've made a mockery of n-nununews reporting.

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I remember when we all made an oath to each other,
way back when started playing news reporter,

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that we would never let anything jeopardize our integrity!
Well our integrity is jeopardized!

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And if we can't report news the honest way,
what good is n-news reporting?

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Boys, first of all, I want to tell you how impressed
I am with your ability to get more ratings.

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Your show beat Close-up Animals with
a Wide Angle Lens by three viewers!

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All right! Woohoo! Awesome!

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I knew we could do it!

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We beat Close-up Animals!

189
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Oh man, this is sooo great! We, we worked so
hard to be on top! Oh, oh come'ere you!

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Yes, but unfortunately, you got crushed
in the ratings by Craig's new show.

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Craig's new show?

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All the students love it. It's an incredible idea
called Close-up Animals With a Wide Angle Lens.

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.. Wearing Hats. Take a look.

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That Craig is a freakin' genius, I tell ya.
He's like... an idea machine.

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Does... Does this mean we're still gonna get cancelled?

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I'm afraid it's worse than that, boys. I'm gonna have
to give you all F's in Extracurricular AV Class.

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00:11:52,749 --> 00:11:55,368
You have to learn now how important ratings are!

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Hey wha-b-but we gave it our best.

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00:11:59,886 --> 00:12:02,599
And I guess your best wasn't good enough.

200
00:12:05,347 --> 00:12:05,957
I don't believe it.

201
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I can't lose this extracurricular credit.
I need it to pass fourth grade!

202
00:12:09,476 --> 00:12:10,889
Stupid news hair!

203
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Fellas! Don't you see? This proves my point.
We have to elevate our ideas up,

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not down.

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Yeah, Jimmy's right. I know we can come
up with way better ideas than Craig.

206
00:12:22,771 --> 00:12:27,991
Yeah. To save our show, all we need to do is come
up with the best idea for an episode ever!

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00:12:37,419 --> 00:12:38,612
What if we do a show where we go to-

208
00:12:39,117 --> 00:12:39,589
Uh, no.

209
00:12:40,692 --> 00:12:43,258
How about we have us, um... hmmm.

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00:12:44,623 --> 00:12:46,129
Come on, doesn't anybody have any show ideas?

211
00:12:47,758 --> 00:12:50,272
Well how about we get panda bears and
we have them dance around with us.

212
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We did that!

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00:12:55,234 --> 00:12:57,313
Wow, coming up with ideas is... hard.

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Look, you guys, if Craig can do it,
we can do it! Come on!

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00:13:05,537 --> 00:13:09,477
How about we do a show with us... ughhh.

216
00:13:10,205 --> 00:13:12,149
Thee... uhhh. What if the-?

217
00:13:13,312 --> 00:13:14,061
Wait, I've got it.

218
00:13:15,072 --> 00:13:15,682
Crab people.

219
00:13:16,116 --> 00:13:16,707
Crab people?

220
00:13:17,005 --> 00:13:19,017
They're like half crab, half people,
and they live below the ground.

221
00:13:21,547 --> 00:13:23,408
Dude, I think we can do
a little better than crab people.

222
00:13:24,622 --> 00:13:26,174
Hey, I know! We should read the funnies!

223
00:13:26,657 --> 00:13:28,179
I always get good ideas from the funnies.

224
00:13:29,113 --> 00:13:30,977
Butters, only gay little dweebs read the funnies!

225
00:13:31,503 --> 00:13:36,575
Yeah! I read 'em all the time! Uh here's one: the uh,
snail tripped over a hurdle,

226
00:13:36,813 --> 00:13:40,160
a- and the other snail says "Well that's
gonna add another hour to his time. "

227
00:13:42,459 --> 00:13:43,056
Yeah! You guys!

228
00:13:43,792 --> 00:13:44,099
Heh.

229
00:13:44,331 --> 00:13:45,542
How about we do a show
where we kill Butters?

230
00:13:53,617 --> 00:13:58,516
So Dagwood says "Good, guh-good thing we're playin'.
.. uh the back nine at your house. "

231
00:14:00,723 --> 00:14:03,297
We're hopelessly stuck,
completely out of ideas.

232
00:14:03,624 --> 00:14:05,767
We have crab people. Just sayin'.

233
00:14:06,074 --> 00:14:08,902
Wait! You know what we should do? We should
all take a bunch of cough medicine!

234
00:14:09,288 --> 00:14:10,031
Cough medicine?

235
00:14:10,508 --> 00:14:13,244
That's what the sixth graders do behind
the school at recess. They take way too

236
00:14:13,399 --> 00:14:15,494
much cough medicine because they say it
makes them see things in their heads.

237
00:14:20,216 --> 00:14:22,209
Gee whiz, there sure is a lot of 'em.

238
00:14:23,877 --> 00:14:24,972
How do we know which one to use?

239
00:14:27,016 --> 00:14:28,214
How about this one? Calminex?

240
00:14:28,900 --> 00:14:31,997
"Warning: Taking more than the recommended
amount can cause severe side effects. "

241
00:14:32,690 --> 00:14:33,346
That sounds perfect.

242
00:14:33,701 --> 00:14:35,075
B- b-bbingo!

243
00:14:35,990 --> 00:14:36,912
Can I help you boys?

244
00:14:37,788 --> 00:14:41,612
Uh, yeah, we need to come up with some ideas and inspiration,
so we're gonna drink a bunch of cough medicine.

245
00:14:42,030 --> 00:14:44,845
Whoa, boys! That's not what
you need to come up with ideas.

246
00:14:45,540 --> 00:14:46,204
It's not?

247
00:14:46,507 --> 00:14:49,082
No! What you want is Calminex PM.

248
00:14:49,603 --> 00:14:53,007
It has the dexatrimfan in it that causes
hallucinations in large doses.

249
00:14:53,443 --> 00:14:53,907
Oh, okay.

250
00:14:54,169 --> 00:14:59,691
Now, if it's more of a lucid, speedy kind of high you're looking for,
I do also carry the Daytab Cold and Flu.

251
00:14:59,726 --> 00:15:02,428
Then there's the maximum-strength
Cortitussin Cough and Cold,

252
00:15:02,839 --> 00:15:05,586
but of course, that's only
if you really want to trip balls.

253
00:15:06,993 --> 00:15:08,029
Wha, what do you think, fellas?

254
00:15:08,310 --> 00:15:09,192
I guess we'll just take all of 'em.

255
00:15:09,513 --> 00:15:12,173
That's the spirit! All right, boys, I'll
just need your parents' permission.

256
00:15:14,887 --> 00:15:17,450
Kidding! I'm just pulling your legs.
Come on over to the register.

257
00:15:19,815 --> 00:15:22,051
Oh, looks like somebody else
is doin' a little partyin' tonight.

258
00:15:22,525 --> 00:15:23,804
Oh, Jezuth Christh

259
00:15:24,223 --> 00:15:25,420
Woo. We aren't havin' a party.

260
00:15:25,697 --> 00:15:28,408
Oh yeah, sure, you're just buyin'
that for your bad coughs, right?

261
00:15:29,720 --> 00:15:30,217
Us too.

262
00:15:33,331 --> 00:15:33,853
Jezuth.

263
00:15:41,358 --> 00:15:43,359
All right, now everybody take a tablet and a pencil.

264
00:15:43,665 --> 00:15:47,232
and when all the ideas start coming, just write 'em down.
We might not remember everything otherwise.

265
00:15:48,369 --> 00:15:50,377
Oh boy, I can't wait to be creative and smart.

266
00:15:53,139 --> 00:15:55,046
Hohhh, it's all think and g-gooey.

267
00:15:57,110 --> 00:15:58,836
Huh. I don't have any ideas yet.

268
00:15:59,635 --> 00:16:00,184
Stan?

269
00:16:04,175 --> 00:16:05,522
Dude, Stan, you all right?

270
00:16:06,246 --> 00:16:07,689
I think maybe he's f-feeling it.

271
00:16:08,384 --> 00:16:10,013
Stan, are you getting good ideas?

272
00:16:11,955 --> 00:16:12,726
Whoa...

273
00:16:13,138 --> 00:16:15,130
I'm feeling kind of bowling-ballish, fellas.

274
00:16:28,847 --> 00:16:31,800
Stan? Stan, come on.
We're gonna go find a frog.

275
00:16:45,999 --> 00:16:47,901
Oh Stan, I just got the best idea

276
00:16:48,541 --> 00:16:49,047
Me too.

277
00:16:56,961 --> 00:16:59,697
Hey! Let's run naked through the street!

278
00:17:07,942 --> 00:17:10,419
Dude, this TV show is awesome.

279
00:17:11,251 --> 00:17:13,821
It's... 's the greatest show of all time.

280
00:17:14,318 --> 00:17:15,899
I could watch this for days.

281
00:17:25,952 --> 00:17:29,724
Cuuute. Super cuuute.

282
00:17:37,940 --> 00:17:39,701
You guys. You guys, wake up!

283
00:17:40,552 --> 00:17:41,194
Ah!

284
00:17:41,660 --> 00:17:42,477
Huh?

285
00:17:42,851 --> 00:17:43,718
Butters, get away from me!

286
00:17:44,048 --> 00:17:45,447
Oh Jesus, where are my clothes??

287
00:17:45,800 --> 00:17:50,038
We took a bunch of cough medicine to come up
with ideas for our show. I didn't come up with anything.

288
00:17:50,535 --> 00:17:51,926
Ah I did. I wrote something down.

289
00:17:52,541 --> 00:17:55,208
Here it is! Uh, squiggly line, circle.

290
00:17:56,364 --> 00:17:59,991
I wrote down... all the lyrics to the Happy Days theme song.

291
00:18:00,026 --> 00:18:01,562
You guys, we watched Craig's show all night long.

292
00:18:01,986 --> 00:18:03,322
Yeah. It was great.

293
00:18:03,646 --> 00:18:07,615
No, but don't you see? We didn't think it was great before.
I think I understand now.

294
00:18:08,297 --> 00:18:12,910
I think I know why Craig's show gets such great ratings!
Half the school is high on cough medicine!

295
00:18:14,154 --> 00:18:15,174
Jesus, you may be right.

296
00:18:15,873 --> 00:18:19,010
Fellas, this is our chance! Everyone get your
hair looking as fantastic as possible.

297
00:18:19,416 --> 00:18:19,676
It's time

298
00:18:19,793 --> 00:18:22,859
for us to do the most incredible investigative
news report of our journalistic lives!

299
00:18:23,981 --> 00:18:28,121
This is closed-circuit television
for South Park Elementary School. And now,

300
00:18:29,174 --> 00:18:35,581
a Sexy Action News Team Special Report:
Cough Medicine Abuse in School!

301
00:18:35,906 --> 00:18:37,655
With the Sexy Action School News Team!

302
00:18:38,277 --> 00:18:40,681
It's the report you can't afford to miss!

303
00:18:43,224 --> 00:18:45,071
And now here's Rick Cartman!

304
00:18:46,392 --> 00:18:50,027
They call it cough syrup, cough medicine,
cold and flu remiedy. But behind

305
00:18:50,288 --> 00:18:52,472
closed doors at South Park Elementary
it also has a street name.

306
00:18:52,952 --> 00:18:57,365
Hoochie, wombat juice,tigger yum yum.
Hello, I'm Rick Cartman.

307
00:18:57,387 --> 00:19:00,898
Today, the Sexy Action School News Team
takes you inside the dark and lonely world.

308
00:19:01,381 --> 00:19:02,527
.. of cough medicine abuse.

309
00:19:03,527 --> 00:19:04,725
They're doing it in the hallways!

310
00:19:06,248 --> 00:19:07,332
Behind the school!

311
00:19:07,846 --> 00:19:09,073
Hey, get out of here, you fuckin' dork!

312
00:19:10,113 --> 00:19:11,461
Even in the girls' bathroom!

313
00:19:12,650 --> 00:19:15,089
Is somebody in there? I'll tell on you!

314
00:19:15,739 --> 00:19:17,380
We showed the shocking footage to the principal!

315
00:19:17,892 --> 00:19:18,642
Oh my goodness!

316
00:19:19,320 --> 00:19:24,206
P- Principal Victoria, can you explain how your administration
fuh-failed to see this p-p-pro-o-o.

317
00:19:24,403 --> 00:19:24,732
.. p-p-problem.

318
00:19:25,148 --> 00:19:25,957
Well I... we...

319
00:19:26,531 --> 00:19:28,375
So where are students getting
all this cough medicine??

320
00:19:28,713 --> 00:19:33,220
This surveillance footage shows a group of troubled kids
getting all the smack they want from a pharmacist!

321
00:19:33,672 --> 00:19:36,356
Sexy Action School News reported the
pharmacist to the South Park police,

322
00:19:36,660 --> 00:19:38,034
and he was immediately arrested!

323
00:19:38,479 --> 00:19:43,334
The cough companies claim they don't intend for
their product to be used by kids to get high!

324
00:19:43,799 --> 00:19:45,720
But one look at the packaging tells otherwise.

325
00:19:46,219 --> 00:19:48,586
Theradryl DM. For kids.

326
00:19:49,085 --> 00:19:51,390
Dexa Cough, children's formula.

327
00:19:51,935 --> 00:19:54,110
And now, for a quick celebrity check,
here's Butters Stotch.

328
00:19:54,472 --> 00:19:57,574
Still no celebrities, Eric.
Uhn, I'll keep my eyes open.

329
00:19:58,075 --> 00:20:01,841
The cough medicine problem used to also run rampant
in neighboring Middle Park Elementary.

330
00:20:02,231 --> 00:20:05,027
But they took action: ridded
their entire town of cough medicine,

331
00:20:05,292 --> 00:20:09,152
and what we see now is a happier school,
100% cough medicine-free.

332
00:20:16,323 --> 00:20:22,422
Boys, I want to congratulate you on what is perhaps the
finest piece of student television I've ever seen.

333
00:20:22,681 --> 00:20:26,431
Not only did you get all the students
and myself off of couch medicine,

334
00:20:26,773 --> 00:20:28,874
but you got a 22 in the ratings!

335
00:20:29,645 --> 00:20:31,395
Twenty-two people?? All right!

336
00:20:32,636 --> 00:20:33,713
You wanted to see me, Mr. Meryl?

337
00:20:34,143 --> 00:20:38,961
Oh yes, Craig. It appears that the ratings
for your show are down significantly.

338
00:20:39,459 --> 00:20:40,335
Gee, what a concidence.

339
00:20:40,720 --> 00:20:42,258
I wonder... oo-oo.. w-why?

340
00:20:42,790 --> 00:20:46,363
You need to know how important ratings are,
Craig, so, I'm going to suspend you

341
00:20:46,592 --> 00:20:50,197
from school and request that you have
your testicles removed surgically.

342
00:20:50,655 --> 00:20:52,196
Haha! In your face, Craig!

343
00:20:52,659 --> 00:20:55,248
You boys are approved for twenty-seven new shows.

344
00:20:55,283 --> 00:20:59,095
I want you to come up with an even
better idea than the cough medicine story.

345
00:20:59,096 --> 00:20:59,914
Get to it!

346
00:21:05,187 --> 00:21:07,291
Nobody has any ideas?

347
00:21:09,903 --> 00:21:13,275
This sucks. I don't wanna keep havin' to come
up with ideas for shows all the time.

348
00:21:13,402 --> 00:21:13,925
It hurts my head.

349
00:21:16,614 --> 00:21:17,697
Dude, bail?

350
00:21:19,385 --> 00:21:19,935
...I think bail.

351
00:21:21,804 --> 00:21:22,228
...Bail.

352
00:21:22,739 --> 00:21:23,814
Yep, b-b-b-bail.

353
00:21:27,739 --> 00:21:29,814
WilLoW:...) January 25th, 2005