I'm going down to South Park Gonna have myself a time
Friendly faces everywhere Humble folks without temptation
Going down to South Park Gonna leave my woes behind
Ample parking day or night People spouting, "Howdy, neighbour"
Heading on up to South Park Gonna see if I can't unwind
Timmy, Timmy, Timmy, Timmy Timmy, Timmy
Living a lie, Timmy!
Come on down to South Park And meet some friends of mine
O great wizard of Gregendath!
What quest do you ask of this ranger and paladin?
Only one thing can save our kingdom.
You must bring me a piece of pecan pie
with toffee ice cream and Magic Shell. Hurry now!
That quest sucks, Cartman! Think of another one!
Boys, Butters' parents want to borrow The Lord of The Rings video we rented.
- Could you take it over to them? - You're sending us on a quest?
You ask of us to take The One Video to the house of Butters?
Yeah, whatever.
It shall be a long journey, with many dangers on the way.
But if the tape must be brought
to the house of Butters, who else can do it?
Very well! We shall embark on this quest immediately, Father!
- Come, warriors! Ho! - Ho!
That gets rid of them.
Oh, you're a little frisky, aren't you?
Yeah, well, The Lord of the Rings wasn't the only thing
I rented from the video store. I also rented
a porno.
Oh, you little devil!
You wanna go watch?
How shall we journey to the house of Butters?
Through the mines of Vandor or over the mountains of Gralch?
Look out! Here comes the great dragon of Perengraf!
Don't worry! I'm the great wizard Molotarch.
I can shield us from the dragon's fire!
Good job, wizard!
And so, the party journeyed onward!
The great wizard, the skilful ranger, and the covetous Jew.
I'm a paladin, Cartman!
Jews can't be paladins.
Hey, there, cowboy.
- You ready for some hot, steamy fun? - You bet I am.
The guys at the office told me I had to rent this porno.
They said this is, without a doubt, the hottest porno ever made.
- Sounds good. - I love that lingerie.
Yeah. You like that?
Yeah, baby.
Yeah.
- All right, you ready? - Ready.
Oh, yeah.
The story begins in ages past,
in the deep regions of Middle-Earth,
where Skorn first thrived in the kingdom of Gelgala.
Oh, man, I hate when pornos try to have a story.
Seven rings were cast and given to the races of men...
Yeah.
...seven to the races of elves,
five to the gloondock villagers of Gelgendor.
Wow! The production values are really good in this porno.
Yeah, it almost looks like...
The Lord of the... Oh, my God!
This is Lord of The Rings!
But then does that mean...
The boys have the hottest porno ever made.
Oh, hello, boys.
My father has asked that we bring you this copy of Lord Of The Rings.
Well, thank you very much, kind heroes.
Perhaps a reward is in order? Gold? Frankensteincense?
Oh, but you are noble heroes! We know our thanks is enough!
Man, that's crap.
Butters! Look what we have for you to watch!
The Lord of the Rings!
Oh, boy! Finally I get to see it!
Now, Daddy and I have to do our taxes,
so can you watch this by yourself and not get scared?
- I won't get scared, Mom! Promise! - That's our man! Here you go!
I finally get to see Lord of the Rings!
Spank that ass.
Whoa!
Neato!
This is good!
Oh, my God! This is gonna be so embarrassing!
Hi, Chris! Hi, Linda!
We were just wondering if we could get our porno back!
Calm down. Maybe the boys haven't gotten there yet.
And so, the party returns home after completing their great quest.
The One Tape was returned and South Park was again at peace.
Quick! A monster of Rivendell!
- Prepare for battle! - The boys!
Boys! Boys! Where's the videotape?
We gave it to the parents of Butters, as commanded by you.
I guess we have to go talk to them now.
Well, wait a minute. Boys,
do you think you can go get that tape back for us really fast?
This sounds like a really important quest.
Yes, it is. This is more important than anything I've ever asked you to do.
You must retrieve the tape. But do not look at it,
for it holds an evil power.
Retrieve the tape and return it to us at home.
Do this, and you will be greatly rewarded.
- Wow! - This is so cool.
Gentlemen, we are off!
Okay. Problem solved.
Oh, golly.
Hey, what's happening down there?
We have come to reclaim the One Tape!
- Whoa, whoa! What are you doing? - The queen and king of Stan's house
wish the Lord of the Rings returned to them.
But it's the greatest movie I've ever seen!
You guys were right! Lord of the Rings is awesome!
You have to let me finish watching it!
Nay, Butters! The One Tape must be brought back to Stan's house!
Butters!
We said you can't watch it! We have a quest!
Well, then... Then let me go with you!
Okay, fine, Butters, but if you're gonna hang out with us,
you have to play like Lord of the Rings.
Oh, okay!
Oh, oh, yeah.
- Butters! What the hell are you doing? - Playing Lord of the Rings!
Get the hell off me!
You're a freak, Butters! You can't play with us!
- Let me have the tape! - No! We have to return it!
My movie. My awesome, cool movie.
My precious...
And so, the tape was again retrieved, to be brought back to Stan's house.
This copy of Lord of the Rings made the young Butters behave quite oddly.
Yeah, and mine parents were acting strange about it, too.
Perhaps the One Videotape has some power we have not foreseen.
Well, well, well!
If it isn't Robin Hood and his Merry Men!
Oh, crap, the sixth graders!
- What you got there? - Nothing.
- Hey, kid! - Lord of the Rings.
That movie's gay.
- You're gay! - What the...
Whoa! Check it out, you guys!
Whoa!
Give it back! We're on a quest to return it to my parents!
No way! We're keeping this and watching it ourselves!
You can't keep it!
And what are three little fourth graders gonna do it about it, huh?
There's four of us! Kenny's soul is still trapped in Cartman's body!
- Yeah! - Oh, man, I can't wait to see this.
Dude, that video is making people act strange!
The One Tape must be returned!
- Run! - Get them!
Oh, hello, Randy, Sharon.
Chris, are the boys over here?
No, just Butters.
He's been watching The Lord of the Rings downstairs.
Oh, dear!
- What's the matter? - We...
Well, this is really sort of funny, but...
We accidentally put a porno in the Lord of the Rings box.
Oh, God!
- Butters? - Butters?
- Precious...
Did you bring back my precious?
Butters, where is the movie you were watching?
They took his precious.
Took it away to watch without him.
He was really enjoying that movie, too!
My precious...
The boys must have come and saw what it was
and then taken it away somewhere.
Oh, no.
We can't let those sixth graders get their hands on this videotape.
I must say, I agree.
If this copy of The Lord of the Rings is haunted,
it would not be safe in the wrong hands.
I smell fourth graders!
- Oh, crap, dude! - Hide!
Hey! I think I see something down the hill!
The One Videotape is sought after, indeed.
Yeah. Butters, my parents, now the sixth graders.
Come, guys. We must bring this all to the attention of the High Elf of Faragon.
Yeah, the High Elf! He'll know what to do!
And so, that's the situation.
All the boys are out there somewhere with a
pornographic videotape.
- Oh, God! This is horrible! - All right, calm down.
Now just how bad of a porno tape are we talking, here?
I mean, was it like Crotch Capers 3?
I'm afraid it was Backdoor Sluts 9.
- Backdoor Sluts 9! - Backdoor Sluts 9!
Is that bad?
Backdoor Sluts 9 makes Crotch Capers 3
look like Naughty Nurses 2!
It is the single most vile, twisted, dark piece of porn ever made.
- How the hell do you know? - I...
I read about it in People.
Oh, this is just great!
- How could you two be so careless? - We're sorry!
Well, Sheila, we can't shelter our boys forever from these things.
Maybe it's okay for them to see an adult film.
Not without their parents to put it in a proper context!
They won't understand what they're seeing!
It can't hurt them that much, can it?
Precious... Let me see my precious.
Please!
Open.
What do you guys want?
We must speak with the High Elf of Faragon!
Oh. Okay, hang on a second.
What troubles you?
We have in our possession something of great power.
It is The Lord of the Rings.
So? I have three copies and the DVD with 12 hours of extra footage.
Yes, but this is not a... Wow? Twelve hours?
Yes, but this is not a normal copy. It's making people act really strange.
We're seriously, High Elf. Something very evil lurks in this tape.
Very well. I shall call the council together.
Meet me in the woods of gathering behind Talangar the Black's house.
And don't let my mom see you, 'cause I'll get in trouble.
Thank you, High Elf of Paragon.
Faragon! Asshole.
Clyde's a dick.
All right, everybody. Listen up!
There's three snot-nosed little fourth graders out there
who have a porno called Backdoor Sluts 9.
I checked it out on the Internet, and it said
that Backdoor Sluts 9 is the most hardcore porno ever made.
I have amassed this army of sixth graders
to get the tape by any means necessary.
Now, let's go get that porno!
And so, that is the situation.
The videotape may or may not have evil powers.
Kyle, would you bring it up here, please?
That video could have been made by Sauron's evil forces.
It could hold a mental spell of some kind.
Perhaps we could use it to strengthen our star cruisers!
Kevin, God damn it.
Look, until we see this tape's power for ourselves,
we cannot risk giving it to anybody.
But if we watch it, we could fall under its spell, too.
That is true.
Only a paladin with a high constitution should watch the tape.
Therefore, I think it is a job for you, Talangar The Black!
I'm not scared!
I'll go inside and watch the tape, just for a few seconds.
If I do not return in two minutes, send a party in after me.
The fate of Middle-Earth is in my hands.
Fourth graders!
Give us that porno!
Boys?
Boys, we're not mad at you. We just want to talk to you.
Talangar the Black returns from watching the video!
What sights did you see on the videotape, Talangar?
Is it the work of Sauron's magic?
I'm not playing any more.
Whoa, wait! What'd you see?
I don't know. I don't want to know. I'm out.
My God. This thing must really be powerful.
This tape makes people freak out wherever it goes.
What do we do with it?
One thing's for sure, this tape cannot be trusted with anybody.
It must be returned to the video store from whence it came.
Where is the videotape rented from?
Two Towers Video Store, in Conifer.
Conifer? Walking there would take hours!
There's no alternative.
We have to return the tape before it causes more damage.
I'll go!
We cannot trust something of that much power to a dwarf!
Especially a kindergartener dwarf!
Stop acting like a bunch of assholes!
I will take it.
I will walk to the video store.
It is too far and too dangerous to go alone.
Take with you the wizard, the dwarf, the warrior,
the cleric and the Jew.
Paladin!
Very well. You shall be the fellowship of The Lord of The Rings.
Good luck.
I have to go home now before I get in trouble.
Me, too.
- Only the six of us are to go? - No, no, there's seven of us.
Kenny's soul is still trapped in Cartman's body, remember?
Yeah, stupid.
Yeah, luckily Cartman's big enough for the both of us.
Shut up, Kenny!
And so it was that the heroes travelled many miles
to return The Lord of the Rings to the video store.
We have reached the Great Pass of Mount Ururalak.
Look out!
We were almost killed!
A dark wizard must be trying to stop us!
True! Someone or something
doesn't want this video returned to the video store!
Oh, hello, everybody.
Steve, we heard that a bunch of the kids were over here a little while ago.
Well, yes, I believe they were. But they've gone.
What's the matter?
We think our boys might be showing other children a
pornographic tape.
What?
But Token's never seen a porno before! He wouldn't know what to...
- Oh, God! - Token!
Token...
Did the boys come over and show you a movie?
Token?
All right, Token,
we know you must be very confused about what you saw.
Yes, you see, Token, that was called a pornographic film.
It shows adult men and adult women having sexual intercourse.
Well, you see, when a man and a woman fall in love,
the man puts his penis in the woman's vagina.
It's called lovemaking, and it's part of being in love.
And when the woman has four penises in her at the same time,
then stands over the men and pees on them,
is that part of being in love, too?
Five midgets spanking a man covered with Thousand Island dressing,
is that making love?
- Jesus, what kind of porno was that? - It was Backdoor Sluts 9.
Oh, Jesus, not that one!
Oh, Gerald, poor Kyle must be just as confused and scared as this poor kid!
Token, this is very important.
Do you know where the boys went with the naughty tape?
We're entering the limits of Bailey.
Everyone stay close.
Perhaps the great ringworm of Bailey is about!
Ringworms are no match for a dwarf!
Yes, we shall slay the ringworm and take his bounty of treasure!
- For that is the way of the... - I shall put a magic spell on you!
I have blocked your spell, wizard!
Hey, what are you guys doing?
We're playing Harry Potter.
Fags!
You guys, somebody's following us!
- It's Butters. - Butters?
Yes, he's been following us for, like, two hours.
The precious videotape. Let the Butters see it.
Just ignore him. Maybe he'll go away.
Hey, fellas, mind if we take a little rest?
There's no time for rest, sorcerer! Keep up!
They are coming.
You guys go on ahead!
- Jimmy, are you sure? - Go!
You shall not...
You shall...
You shall not pass.
Jimmy didn't stop them!
They're going to take The Lord of the Rings from us!
Quick! Cross the river! Sixth graders can't stand water!
What? That's stupid.
I'm a high-ranking white wizard, Craig,
and I say sixth graders are opposed to water.
Whatever! I'm going back to play with the Harry Potter kids!
Me, too.
Go ahead and play Harry Butthole Pussy Potter!
Just get across the river! They're coming!
What the hell is wrong with you guys? Get the tape!
Dude, I don't wanna get wet.
Yeah, I don't really like the water.
Besides, if our bikes get wet, the chains will rust.
Oh, God damn it! All right, come on! We'll find a bridge!
The quest continued to return The Lord of the Rings to the video store.
Man, we should have never crossed that stupid river.
Yeah, good job, wizard fat ass! Now we're totally lost!
We're not lost, Jewgar of Jewlingrad. We just don't know where we are.
That's what lost means, stupid. Kenny, shut your goddamn mouth!
This is great. We're in the middle of nowhere and
nobody knows what direction the video store is in!
The Butters knowses.
- Oh, brother. - The video store, yes. Not far from here.
We can show you wheres it is!
- Where? - First,
just let Butters see the precious.
No, Butters! Look what it's done to you. It's made you even lamer than before.
If that was possible.
Tell us how to get to the video store, Butters,
or else we're gonna kick your ass!
No hurtses the Butters! We will show you the way!
Yes... This way it is.
This is awful!
I just know with every passing minute, little Kyle
is seeing more and more depraved sex acts!
We'll find them.
And then we'll try to put what they saw into context.
Look, there's one of the boys now!
- Jimmy! - Jimmy! Jimmy!
Where did the boys go with the porno tape?
They're taking it to the...
The...
Come on, Jimmy, we don't have a lot of time.
They took it back to the video...
The video...
The video sandwich?
The video stockyard?
What's a video stockyard, Jimmy?
No, the video...
The video...
- Stinger? - Staples.
They went to the video Staples? Where's that, Jimmy?
No, you retards! The video store.
The video store!
- Hurry! Hurry! - I know where it is!
Oh, no! They're closed!
- Closed? - There they are!
Don't let them turn it back to the video store!
- We're screwed. - Wait! A drop box!
Quick, Kyle! Drop the movie in!
Finally, it's over.
Precious... Must have our precious!
Butters! No!
Nows wes hases it!
They're coming!
- It has to go back! - It wantses to stay with Butterses!
There it is! Give me that tape!
Let go of the tape, Butters!
- I'm never letting go! - Fine!
- Precious... - No!
No! No!
Damn it!
Man, now we'll never see the hot action!
You stupid little fourth graders!
The tape is returned to which it came. Its power over you shall fade as well.
Middle-Earth is again safe.
Yeah? Well, that's not gonna stop us from kicking your asses!
Boys! Boys!
Crap! Parents! Come on, guys!
We'll see you next time, fourthies!
And perhaps they would.
But for now, the sixth grader army was defeated.
- There you are! - Oh, Kyle, you're safe!
Oh, hey, guys. We were just about to come home.
We had to return the video.
All right, now listen, kids.
There's some things we need to put into context for you.
You see, a man puts his penis into a woman's vagina
for both love and pleasure.
But sometimes the woman lays on top of the man,
facing the other way, so that they can
put each other's genitals in their mouths.
This is called 69-ing, and it's normal.
See, boys, a woman is sensitive in her vagina
and it feels good to have a man's penis inside of it.
That's right! But sometimes a woman chooses to use other things.
Telephones, staplers, magazines.
It's because the nerve endings in the vagina are so sensitive,
it's like a fun tickle.
Now, on to double penetration, boys.
You see, sometimes when a woman has sex with more than one man,
each man makes love to a different orifice.
That's right. It's something adults can do
with really good friends in a comfortable setting.
It's also important that you understand why some people
choose to urinate on each other.
Going number one or number two on your lover
is something people might do,
but you must make sure your partner is okay with it before you start doing it.
Okay, boys. Do you have any questions?
Wow.
Well, let's all get going.
Yeah, come on boys, time to get home.
Wait a minute, where's Butters?
Wes hases our preciouses!
Hases it. Hases it.