We are South Park, Green and White. Let's go, Cows! Fight fight fight!
Nobody can beat a Cow! Let's gooo, South Park!
Hey, South Park! Do you have school spirit?
Moooooooo!
I think us Cows have the best school spirit. Huh, Mandy?
Yeah, and South Park is really gonna stick it to Littleton next week!
Let's bring out our mascot and get this pep rally going!
It's Billy! Uh, Billy will wave for me! Wave for me, Billy!
We are People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals! We protest your insensitive use of cows as your school mascot!
Oh Jesus, not PETA again.
Cows are maimed and slaughtered and used as a commodity!
This is unfair to the cows! This is your insensitivity!
EWWW!
The cow is a slave! The cow is a commodity! To be thrown away by a society gone wrong!
All right, children, I have just been informed that since our school has been attacked
by eco-terrorists for the 47th time, we are going to change our school mascot.
AWWWWWWWWW!!!
Buh, Mr. Garrision, if we change our mascot that means the eco-terrorists win!
That's right, Stanley, the eco-terrorists win.
Now, I have here a mascot selection sheet.
Every student is supposed to check the box next to the mascot they like the most.
And the most popular selection will be the school's new mascot.
But we like being the Cows!
You're responsible for the enslavement and genocide of millions!
Get, get outta here, PETA! We're changin' the mascot already!
Who'll speak for those who cannot speak for themselves??
Go on, get, get outta here!
Get, get out!
Jesus, where do they keep coming from??
Go on, get outta here.
This is bullcrap, dude!
Now children, it's not that bad. There's plenty of great new mascots on the sheet to chose from.
The Hurricanes, the Blizzards, the Redskins, the Indians...
But aren't Indians and Redskins just as offensive?
No, those are fine. PETA doesn't care about people.
Goddamnit PETAns piss me off! We're never gonna end up with a stupid eagle or a faggy bobcat as a mascot.
Wait. You guys, I have an awesome idea!
We should secretly go around and tell all the students we can to not check any of
the mmascots on this election sheet, and instead write in "Giant Douche. "
Ye-heah!
(Yeah, totally awesome!)
Yeh- no, no, wait wait wait. I got a better idea you guys.
What we should do is we should secretly go around and tel all the sstudents we can to not check any of
the mascots on this election sheet, and instead write in "Turd Sandwich. "
Turd Sandwich isn't better than Giant Douche.
Heh, it's only about a thousand times better, am I right guys?
Come on! We have to tell everybody fast! This is gonna be soo funny!
It was MY idea and we're gonna tell everyone to write in "Giant Douche!" It's way funnier!
IT IS NOT!!!
Kenny, what's funnier? A giant douche or a turd sandwich?
(Giant douche.)
Aw, you're just saying that because I broke your cat's leg last week.
Stan, do you pick giant douche or turd sandwich?
Dude, I really don't care.
That's two against one, 'cause Stan doesn't care. So it's giant douche.
...Wait wait, what about Butters?
Huh?
You hate Butters.
Goddamnit you guys, Butters is our friend! And he's allowed to have his opinion!
Butters which is funnier? A stupid not-funny giant douche or a super funny turd sandwich?
Hahaa, a turd sandwich!
You misled him, fat ass!
It's the best choice, and me and Butters are sticking with it.
Yeah!... What's this for?
Jimmy, we're gonna have everyone write in a mascot that's really funny,
and you have to tell us which one would be funnier..
That"s a... fantastic idea fellas. Uh, the key to successful humor is s- staying power. Uh tell me the first mascot idea.
A giant douche.
Heh, huh okay, that's pretty funny. Now, what's the second?
A turd sandwich.
Turhr... Ohokahay. Okay, now let's wait ten seconds.
Okay now, t-tell me the first one again?
Giant douche.
And the second?
Turd sandwich.
Gee, th-they're both screamingly funny, fellas Uhhhbetter give it another ten seconds.
All right, now we'll see which one really has staying power. Number one?
A giant douche.
Okay, I think, that's it. Number 2?
Turd sandwich.
Gee, I don't know what to say, fellas. They're both instant classics.
But I guess I'll have to go with giant douche, simply because the fact that it's a giant renders it useless,
adding a parody slant to the satire.
AWWWW!!
Ohhh, we lost?
All right, it's decided. Let's all write in "Giant Douche. "
Okay. You win, Kyle.
Attention students, we have tallied your mascot nomination sheets,
and there will now be a school-wide vote between the top two nominations.
So here is the first most-requested candidate, a giant douche.
Go giant douche!
Hey, South Park! Have we got school spirit??
We've got spirit, yes we do! Giant douches me and you! Let's gooooo, Douches!
And now your second nominee, Turd Sandwich.
All right turd sandwich!
Yeah!
Cartman? What the hell??
Giant Douche sucks!
We've got spirit, yes we do! We are sandwiches filled with poo! Yeeaahhh!
Students can now cast their choice between the Giant Douche and the Turd Sandwich.
We'll count up the votes on Tuesday.
You won't get more votes than us, asshole!
Dream on, Jew boy!
Yeah, dream on, Jew boy!
Be sure to vote for Giant Douche.
(Giant Douche! Vote for him!)
Giant Douche is your man!
Kyle, aren't you taking this a little too far? I mean, do we really want a giant douche to be our school mascot?
Dude, I'm not going to lose to Cartman's stupid turd sandwich.
Vote for Turd Sandwich. This is the most important election of our lives.
Turd Sandwich brings us hope for change. A vote for Turd Sandwich is a Vote for Tomorrow!
There. Do you really want that asshole to win?
I'm not voting!
What? Y-you gotta vote, dude. Haven't you seen the Rock the Vote stuff or, or Puff Daddy's Vote or Die??
I just think this whole thing is stupid!
Kenny, we have got to make Stan understand the importance of voting, because he'll definitely vote for our guy.
(Yeah.)
How was school today, Stanley?
It was ridiculous. We have to have a new school mascot
and we're supposed to vote between a giant douche and a turd sandwich.
...What did you say?
Did you just say that... voting is ridiculous?
No, I think voting is great, but, if I have to choose between a douche and a turd, I just don't see the point.
You don't see the point!! Oh you young people just make me sick!
Stanley, do you know how many people died so you could have the right to vote?!
Mom, a-I just don't think there's much of a difference between a douche and a turd. I d-I don't care.
You don't care?! You really want a turd sandwich as your school mascot?! On your football helmets?! A turd?!
Well, hold on, Randy, I think a turd sandwich is a little better than them having a giant douche on their uniforms.
You're crazy!! A d-a douche is at least clean!
It's sexist is what it is!
You don't understand the issues, Sharon!
Are you calling me ignorant??
You think the school mascot should be a turd sandwich? Well you're not exactly Einstein!
I am sick of you belittling my opinion, you son of a bitch!
I hate this family, I hate it!
Puff Daddy?
Your friend Kyle said you don't understand the importance of voting.
I...
Apparently you haven't heard of my "Vote or Die" campaign.
"Vote or Die"?
What the hell does that even mean?!
What you think it means, bitch!
AAAAH!!
Vote or die, mother_, mother_er, vote or die!
Rock the vote or else I'm gonna stick a knife through your eye.
Democracy is founded on one simple rule!
Get out there and vote or I will mother__ kill you.
Yeh.
I like it when you vote, bitch! (bitch!)
Shake them titties when you vote, bitch! (bitch!)
I slam my jimmy through your mouth roof (mouth roof)
Now get your big ass in the pollin' booth.
I said vote, bitch, or I'll f_____ kill you!
Vote or die, mother_, mother_, vote or die!
You can't run from a.38, go ahead and try!
Let your opinion be heard! You gotta make a choice
'Cause after I slit your throat you won't have a f____ voice
'Vote or die! Vote or die!
Okay. I'll vote.
Hello, Clyde.
What do you guys want?
We were just wondering who you might be voting for, for the school's new mascot.
I haven't decided yet.
Oh really? Well that's interesting. You certainly should think about it and make the right decision.
Butterscotch candy?
Sure.
Clyde, are you aware of what Turd Sandwich can bring to our school?
A turd sandwich is not only the first turd to be nominated school mascot, but even the first, sandwich.
You see, what Turd Sandwich brings to our school, Clyde, is a complete package.
The turd and the coin. And the lettuce, and the olives.
Whe-whereas Giant Douche is just, well ju-just a, ju-ju-just a giant douche.
So, come voting day, you'll now most likely vote for the turd sandwich, yes?
I'm still not totally sure.
Well then, perhaps we could interest you in
another butterscotch candy?
You're doing the right thing, Stan. Don't you feel like you're a part of something now?
I guess...
Look, it may not seem important now, but your vote really does count, and we all have to do our part.
Okay.
Look... wait, what are you doing?
I'm voting.
No, no, you... you wrote down Turd Sandwich.
Yeah, I know.
...Dude, you're supposed to vote for Giant Douche.
I thoght I was supposed to make my own decision.
Well yeah, but not if your decision is for Turd Sandwich! What the hell is wrong with you?!
Wait a minute, you didn't want me to vote you wanted me to vote for your guy!
Well, I just figured you'd vote for my guy! Who's fuckin' friend are you?!
Puffy!
Hey, fuck off, Kyle.
Don't let them intimidate you, Stan. I'll help walk you to the booth.
And then I'm gonna buy you a niiice steak dinner with all the trimmings.
Oh forget it! I'm not gonna be persuaded into voting
and I'm and I'm not gonna be threatened into voting if I don't feel comfortable with it!
I'm not gonna vote and you can all just live with it!
We've simply had it with your son, Mr. and Mrs. Marsh Voting just doesn't appear to be important to 'im.
Stanley, when you left for school this morning you said you were going to vote!
The whole thing is a joke!
You see? He's out of control. It's nearly torn our whole family apart.
Well, my hands are tied. We can no longer have Stan's behavior jeopardizing the other children. He must be removed.
Ogh! Are you happy now, Stan? You just got yourself suspended!
Nno, I'm afraid it's worse than that. By county law I'm bound to enforce the harshest punishment possible.
Expulsion??
No. Banishment.
B- bani-banishment?
You can appeal to the city council, but I don't think it'll do any good. Your son must leave South Park, never to return.
Oh, Randy!
Our son, banished. Where did we go wrong??
Ya... you're all joking, right?
As it was in the times of our forefathers, so it is now.
Stan Marsh, for not following our most sacred of rites, you are hereby banished from South Park for all eternity.
Or until you decide that voting is important.
Good-bye, Stan. May the gods treat you more kindly than we did.
Stan, don't you think this has gone far enough? Is it really that big a deal?
Yeah, just vote. For Giant Douche.
I'm not voting!
You, Puffy man, are we just gonna let this happen?
We've gots to kill this non-votin' fool!
No, Justacious, let him go. He won't survive a fortnight in the wilderness.
This is breaking your mother's heart, Stan. She couldn't even help tie you to the horse.
Dad, isn't this a little extreme?
Jesus. I guess maybe you'll never understand how important voting is.
Goodbye, Stan.
That's... one of the hardest things a parent ever has to do.
Look! What is that?
Oh, the poor thing!
Hello?
Don't worry, we'll free you.
Just sit still for a moment.
Oh thank God.
Get offa him, you filthy human!
Poor thing needs water.
You'er safe now.
Shame on you, making this horse your slave.
Awww!
Come, you can live with us.
We will give you food and shelter.
What about me?
OPEN THE GATE!
This poor creature is in need of food and water.
You have a home here, friend.
The... kid wants to stay, too.
I was put on the horse. I didn't wanna ride it.
I don't know if you can stay. We'll have to ask Dr. Cornwallis. Come.
We don't normally allow outsiders. See, here we live in harmony with animals.
They're not our pets but our fellow living beings. We work with the animals and try to live as they do.
We make friends with the animals. We coexist, and we... intermarry.
This is my wife, Janice.
The outside world looks down on a man marrying a llama, but our love knows no boundaries.
Wow, you guys really love animals.
And why not? Mark here has been with Kelly for three years now.
And Gary and Sally here have just managed to have a child together.
Kill me...
Yes, life here is good and natural.
But now that you know where our compound is, you'll either have to live with us, or be murdered.
I'll live with you.
It's not up to you. You'll have to talk with Dr. Cornwallis.
What did he say?
He said I can stay.
Excellent! Dr. Cornwallis is wise beyond his year Here's your PETA shirt and a bumper sticker.
Debate 2004]
This is Debate 2004 with your host, Jim Lehrer.
Welcome to the cable-access televised debate between a giant douche
and a turd sandwich.
We'll start with Giant Douche.
Sir, some students and parents are reluctant to have a... giant douche represent them.
What do you say to those people?
Jim, first of all I would like to thank you for monitoring this debate.
And I would like to thank all of the students and their parents for coming.
Aww, suck-up, suck-up!
What?! It's an obvious suck-up move.
But I would hope that those students and their parents who question my qualities would simply look at my opponent.
He is a turd sandwich.
You're a turd sandwich.
...No, sir, if you'll pardon me, you are in fact, the turd sandwich.
You're a turd sandwich.
...Sir, you are a turd sandwich.
You're a turd sandwich.
Ahh, Turd Sandwich, I will ask you not to speak out of turn.
I I'm sorry, Jim.
Anyway, as I was saying, ahh... wait I I forgot what I was saying.
Ha. Wha-hat a douche.
All right, Turd Sandwich, this next question is for you.
How should South Park Elementaryenforce its laws of conduct for young athletes during sporting events.
...Uh you know, uh, my opponent wouldn't even know the answer to that question.
If you ask him the same question, he would not answer it.
He would stand around and just babble on and on about nothing until he was finally saved by the buzzer sound.
Your time is up, Turd.
Stan, I want to introduce you to my stepdaughter, Teresa.
She seems to have taken a liking to you.
And she's ovulating.
Ahh no thanks, that's okay.
Stan, some PETA members are growing concerned that maybe you don't love animals.
I do love animals, just ... nnot like you guys do.
You... don't belong here, Stan. You should return home.
I can't. I was banished for not voting.
But, why on earth wouldn't you wanna vote?
I think voting is great. I just didn't care this time because it was between a giant douche and a turd sandwich.
But Stan, don't you know, it's always between a giant douche and a turd sandwich.
Nearly every election since the beginning of time has been between some douche and some turd.
They're the only people who suck up enough to make it that far in politics.
I guess... I guess you're right.
Yo, what did I say was going to happen to you, bitch?
AAAAAH!
Aaaah!! He's wearing the skin of an animal!
Take that!
I... hope that teaches you a lesson about being hurt.
Itius, Rodicus!
Vote or die!
AAAAH!!
Protect the animals! Protect the animals!
Janice, we shall die together in each other's arms!
Kill me! Kill meee!!
M'kay, that's one more vote for Turd Sandwich.
So who won, Mr. Mackey?
It's pretty close, but it looks like Giant Douche is gonna win.
Oh no! NOOO!!
HA! You lose, fatass!
Uh hey, wait a minute, look!
Stan!
Stan, you came back. Does that mean... you learned the importance of voting?
I learned that I'd better get used to having to pick between a douche
and a turd sandwich because it's usually the choice I'll have.
He's going to vote!!
He's going to vote. He's going to vote.
Let's get out the vote! Let's make our voices heard!
We've been given the right to choose between a douche and a turd.
It's democracy in action! Put your freedom to the test.
A big fat turd or a stupid douche. Which do you like best?
Stan's vote bring the total votes for Turd Sandwich to... thirty six!
And Giant Douche has... one thousand four hundred and ten. Giant Douche still wins.
Yeah! All right!
AWWWW!!
Dude, so my vote didn't even really matter!
Hey! That's not true, Stan.
You can't judge the merits of voting on whether or not your candidate won.
Your vote still mattered.
Hey everybody!
They just found all the PETA members murdered at their compound!
What the? They're all dead? Well, that means...
That we can go back to being the South Park Cows!
Hooray! All right!
Now, your vote didn't matter.
WilLoW:...) 2005 Jan 23rd