South Park - Season 11 Episode 6 "D-Yikes!"
Everyone, sit down and shut the fuck up!
Goddamnit!
Stupid ass man! They're all the same!
Oh God, here we go again.
All men care about is SEX!
I spent two hours getting ready for that stupid date!
And when the bastard checks out my body, he just says,
"Hey, did you used to be a guy or somethin'?"
I'm a woman now, so what's it matter?!
Uh oh, this isn't good.
Did I say something to you, sugartits?!
No ma'am.
You boys make me sick!
You're well on your way to being men,
who only think with their penises!
I am assigning you all weekend homework!
You are going to read Hemingway's book,
"The Old Man And The Sea"!
Have you lost your mind?
Dude, we can't read an entire book in one weekend.
Oh, that's too bad, dude.
Maybe if you boys could keep your penises in your pants
once in a while you'd get more done!
But Teacher, my penis never slips out of my pants.
Eh-except sometimes when I'm wearin' pajamas.
If you do not have an essay written on Monday,
then you will fail! Is that clear?!
Dude, how are supposed to read an entire book
over the weekend and write an essay?
Our whole weekend is shot.
(What the hell are we going to do?!)
You guys, you guys, relax.
We don't have to read the book or write the essay.
- We don't? - No.
There's people you can hire to do these sorts of things.
¿Que paso? ¿Que paso?
Looking for work? Sí? Trabajo?
- Yeis. - We looking work, sí.
Okay, listen up, Mexicans. We need you to read
"The Old Man And The Sea" for us. Comprende?
"The Old Man Y La Mer.
Okay. Sure. Okay. Yeah.
Here. We need you to work together, read the book
and write four essays, comprende?
La samaraisia.
- Okay no problem. That's no problem. - Yeah, we can do that.
Sí, la samuraisia.
- Okay, gracias. - Gracias.
Dude, that is awesome. I had no idea you could do that.
Oh yeah, dude. Havin' Mexicans around totally kicks fuckin' ass.
They can all rot in hell!
Who needs men anyway?!
They're Goddamned arrogant self-centered assholes is what they are!
Are you okay, hon?
I just hate men is all.
It's like all they care about is how hot you look!
Yeah, I've never been into men.
That's why I work out here.
Since it's women only we don't get ogled at or feel self-conscious.
Tell me about it!
I can't even stretch at a normal gym
without some guy trying to stare down my vage.
I'm Allyson.
Oh, I'm Janet. Janet Garrison.
Sorry I'm so pissed off.
No, I like it.
You seem like a very strong woman.
Yeah, I've been told that.
How come I've never seen you down at the girl bar?
Girl bar? I never even knew there was such a place.
Oh you'd love it. It's the only bar in town
where women like us can hang out and be ourselves.
It's called "Les Bos."
Hi Linda, hi Kate.
Hey Allyson.
Who's the new girl?
Allyson always goes for the butch ones.
Hey Nell. What's up, Tracy?
Oowhat a great place.
All the girls here seem to know each other.
Yeah. Well, most of the girls here have done each other.
He-yeah. Done what?
You know. Had sex.
Oh my God, this is a lesbian bar??
Yeah. I... thought you understood that.
Oh jeez.
I'm sorry. I thought you knew what "girl bar" meant.
But I'm not a- ...whoa! Who-o-o-o-oa.
Janet, I'm really sorry. It's just that at the gym
you said you didn't like being with men, so I thought you were a-
I don't like being with men!
They're perverted selfish pigs!
Have you... never even... thought... of being... with another woman?
Oho goodness no!
Of course I haven't.
I mean... really I don't even understand
how two women can make love.
I mean un, unless they just kinda scissor or something.
There are a lot of ways to make love, Janet.
I guess I'd be lying
if I said I wasn't a little ...titillated.
Could I... maybe kiss you?
Oh, this is wrong!
You're another woman; it doesn't make sense!
Is it wrong, Janet? Let your inhibitions go.
Let's just have fun tonight.
No commitments. Just fun.
Oh yeah, scissor!
Yeah, scissor me Allyson!
Janet, you're crazy!
Oh, this is hot scissoring!
Ohh! Scissor me timbers!
They'd better be done with the book reports!
School starts in 15 minutes!
They'll be done.
¿Que paso? ¿Que paso?
All right, did you read the book?
- Sí - Sí.
What was it about? Ih-in case our teacher asks us.
Eet starts there the old man,
and his job is to catch the feesh,
so he get in the boht, to try and catch feesh.
Saw he catch the feesh, but the feesh is very strong,
so the old man, cannot reel in the feesh.
So then he fight the feesh. Some more.
And he finally catch the feesh.
He catches the feesh so, then he can make money.
No, because on the way home,
the sharks come and eat the feesh.
And so, he no make money.
That's it, that's the whole story?
Sí.
All right, did you write the four essays?
Sí, we all wrote eses for you.
- All right! - Okay, let's have 'em.
Have what?
You said you all wrote essays.
Where are they?
Well, my ese lives in Miami.
I wrote to him like you said,
but I don't think he got the letter yet.
I wrote my ese in Albuquerque
I wrote three eses:
my ese back home, my ese in Denver,
and my ese in Glenwood even wrote me back.
"Thanks for writing me, ese."
(Uh oh...)
Dude, we're totally fucked now!
Why the hell would we pay you to write your friends?!
We thought it was kind of strange.
This is your fault, Cartman! Now we're gonna fail!
You guys, school starts in ten minutes!
Son of a bitch!
Clyde? Clyde! Hey hey Clyde!
You didn't finish your essay either, right?
No, I got it done.
Jimmy, did you finish your book report?
Yeah. I feel pretty good about it. I finished my whole book report
and, I got a really nice letter from my ese
who works down at the U-Haul.
- Crap! - We're dead.
Hello, class.
Here's my little desk,
my nice lil' chalkboard ...
Mrs. Garrison, about our book reports...
Oho, that's okay Eric.
If you need a little more time with your homework, just say so.
Really?
Kids, I need to tell you something
that you might find shocking.
I'm gay.
Again?
It was a shock to me too.
I... met another woman and...
we went to this fabulous bar called Lesbos
where I finally felt at home.
Allyson and I talked, and really opened up to each other and...
then we... scissored all night long.
You have to be careful with scissors.
But listen, I am not going to just rush into a relationship with Allyson.
I'm a late-in-life lesbian.
So I need to play the field for a while, right?
Oh I'm so happy.
That's great!
Let's hear it for Teacher being a lesbian!
YAY!
Hey Tracy, hey Kate.
Hi Janet.
Lookin' hot, Linda.
Wanna go somewhere and scissor later on?
Huh?
Hey Patty.
What's up, Janet.
Ooo, stop giving me that look.
Scissoring me with your eyes.
Hey Janet, why don't you pick up on your own girl?
Oh yeah, dyke fight!
You kicked me right in the pussy!
Uh? Oh! Oh, we're scissoring. Oh yeah, scissor!
You guys. You guys, stop it.
Listen to me, everybody.
I got some bad news.
What is it, Katie?
They're closing down the bar. For good!
Closing it down? They can't do that.
This is our home.
Yeah, this is our home.
Well it's true, I just talked to the owners.
They've sold the bar to Persians.
Persians?!
So where are we supposed to go?
We aren't going anywhere!
We have a history here!
Persians are closing this bar over my dead lesbian body!
Mayor, this is an outrage!
We are being discriminated against as lesbians!
You're a lesbian now?
That's right. A proud lesbian!
And our home is being taken away!
The bar has been sold to Persian club owners.
I don't know what you want me to do about it.
Forbid the transaction!
This is happening all over the country, Mayor.
Lesbian bars being bought out, shut down, it isn't right!
Yeah, that's right!
I'm sorry, but my hands are tied.
The new owners plan to start redecorating the bar tomorrow.
You have to be out by then.
Have you seen how Persians decorate?
They will cover that bar in cheesy blue carpeting, white statues
and gold curtain rods to the point that you will want to puke!
Mrs. Garrison, get out of here.
Well, here's to some great times at this place.
Yeah. Guess we'll just have to find somewhere else to hang out.
Now, come on gals ! I can't believe what I'm hearing ! We can't just give up !
- What are we supposed to do, Janet? - We stand and fight!
When the Persians come we tell them "We aren't leaving Lesbos."
Actually, it's "Les Bos."
No, it's Lesbos!
We... are Lesbos!
And as Lesbos, we cannot just stand and watch
as one girl bar after another gets shut dowwwwwn!
The Persians have sent somebody to talk to us.
Hello, my name is Emir Hadi.
My boss sent me over here because he heard that you were upset
about us trying to take over the bar.
- Yes, we are. - Well, we want to assure you,
that when this place becomes another Club Persh,
you will all still be 100% welcome.
All they want is to make the place really nice.
We're going to put down some lovely blue carpet, and gold curtain rods.
I knew it! I knew it!
But you are still welcome to come.
My boss wants you to know that you will not be discriminated against in any way.
Would you allow straight people in? Men?
Well... we would allow whoev-
Choose your next words wisely, Persian!
Look uhh, we don't have to offer you anything, so...
I don't know why you're being so difficult. This is crazy.
No, this isn't crazy.
This... is... Lesbos!
How dare you!
And so it had begun.
By kicking the Persian messenger in the balls, the lesbos had sent a message.
All over the country lesbians heard of the brave standoff.
As a group of lesbians in Colorado
are refusing to allow the new owners of their bar in.
- Good for them! - You go girls!
The Persians returned to their office,
and told their coworkers how the thirty lesbos were refusing to let them in.
Well fine. If they're going to block the entrance,
we'll just bring like, sixty of us! I'll call more Persians for help.
The hours pass quickly, and the lesbians boldly stood out in front of their bar
to stop the Persians from entering.
Here they come.
There's so many of them.
Lesbos! Positions!
Lesbians! Stand aside. We're coming in to redecorate it!
The hell you are! You can take your blue carpet and gold curtain rods
and shove them up your Persian buttholes!
All right! Come on! They can't stop all of us!
Lesbos! Remember this day!
Remember this fight!
Don't give them an inch!
Ow! Iranian faggot!
Come on, seriously, let us in!
Never!
For hours, the Lesbos kept the Persians back,
holding them off, keeping them from decorating.
Finally the Persians grew tired,
and many of them wanted to go shopping for more designer sunglasses.
They retreated. The Lesbos... had held.
Lesbohhhs!!
The Persians who did not go shopping
now knew they must face their boss.
Here he comes.
Rauf Xerxes. He sat atop a gold Hummer
with customized Gucci accessories which only a Persian would think was cool.
Mr. Xerxes, the Lesbos wouldn't move. We could not get inside to redecorate.
Tumon, how could you have failed me in this simple task?
I am so seriously pissed off right now. I could bust a testicle.
And with that the Persian club owner came to a realization.
I shall have to deal with these lesbos myself.
Girls, I just want to say that I am very proud of you.
The way we kept those Persians from takin' over our bar was Les-tastic.
Well that's great, Janet, but what now?
We can't just stay here pushing them away our whole lives.
We can't? I think it's pretty fun.
We have to have a more solid plan.
Something we can use against them permanently.
Maybe we can dig up some dirt on the club owner.
Hey, that's a great idea, Betsy. We need somebody working on the inside.
Whattaya mean?
If we could get some Persians on our side,
we could send them in to try to dig up some dirt on the owner!
But who's gonna spy on them for us? We don't know any Persians.
It's okay. There's people you can hire for this kind of thing.
¿Que paso? ¿Que paso?
Looking for work? Sí? Trabajo?
- Yeis. - We looking work, sí.
All right. We need you to infiltrate some Persians who run Club Persh,
and dig up some dirt on the owner.
Okay. Sure. Okay. Yeah.
Janet, how is this gonna work? They don't look Persian.
Sure they do.
Just have to- gel the hair,
put on a silk shirt, some gold chains,
and tons of cologne.
Persian.
Sí.
Wow!
All right, Mexicans, take the rest of these outfits
and see what you can find out. The address is in there too.
Okay. No problem. Yes. Sí.
And Mexicans, please hurry. Our girl bar has very little time.
A full day passed, and the Lesbos knew
a second Persian attack was imminent.
Outside, Lesbo lookouts kept watch, ready to alert the others.
The Lesbo leader sat nervously inside.
>Her plan to dress Mexicans as Persians to act as spies,
perhaps it had failed.
She looked around at her fellow Lesbos. They were tired.
In order to keep her Lesbos awake, she had no choice:
she would have to make coffee.
With fresh coffee brewed, the Lesbos found new life, but would it be enough ?
The Persians are attacking again!
- Take positions, Lesbos! - Get outside!
No wait, wait! That's not the Persians, it's the Mexicans.
- Really? - How can you tell?
Let them through. It's okay.
- Hola, ¿Cómo estás? - Hola.
Did you uncover anything? Are the Persians doing anything illegal?
Ahh, no. They're not doing anything illegal.
A-are you sure??
No, but we did find out a kind of secret about the Persian in charge.
What secret?!
- Oh my God, are you sure about this? - Sí.
Janet ! Janet, the Persian boss is here. He wants to talk to you and you alone.
It's okay. It's time I met this rich Persian asshole face to face.
Why are you lesbians being so difficult?
Because we're protecting the only home we have.
I don't know why you have to be all superlame about this.
You know, a long time ago when I first realized I was a lesbian,
I felt isolated, confused.
And finally I found a place that accepts me for who I am.
Okay, how about this? I will make you the manager of Club Persh.
You'll make good money.
That's a generous offers, Xerxes.
But you see, there's something I know about you.
I know you're actually a woman.
How..?
How did you find that out?
I hired Mexicans to spy on you!
They saw you working out at Curves.
You don't understand. Women can't be the boss in Persian culture.
Nobody can know about this.
Yeah. And you know why? Because men are all assholes!
They make you feel ashamed for being a little... big, or, manly looking.
But not Lesbos. We accept other women for who they are inside!
You do? Seriously?
Have you never... even thought, of being with another woman before?
No. I don't even know how two women... can make love.
Unless they just kind of scissor or something.
Ohh yeah! Scissor me, Xerxes!
Ohh, that feels so supercool!
- Yeah, scissor! - Ohh, I'm a new woman!
And so it was that Lesbos was saved.
The Persians had agreed to leave it a lesbian bar,
for no dyke should be without cocktails.
- Thanks for everything, Xerxes. - No. Thank you, friend.
Hey, aren't you supposed to be teaching school right now?
The school hired a substitute to cover for me.
Hand so to find the sum of the two fractions,
zhyou must always check for the lowest common denominator.
Sí. Sí. Yes. Yes. Sí.
These guys are pretty good.
Yeah. I think I'm actually learning something.
Subtitles: Spirit Transcript: South Park Scriptorium
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