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South Park - Season 11 Episode 6
"D-Yikes!"
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Everyone, sit down and shut the fuck up!
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Goddamnit!
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Stupid ass man! They're all the same!
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Oh God, here we go again.
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All men care about is SEX!
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I spent two hours getting
ready for that stupid date!
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And when the bastard checks out my body,
he just says,
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"Hey, did you used
to be a guy or somethin'?"
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I'm a woman now, so what's it matter?!
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Uh oh, this isn't good.
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Did I say something to you, sugartits?!
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No ma'am.
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You boys make me sick!
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You're well on your way to being men,
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who only think with their penises!
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I am assigning you all weekend homework!
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You are going to read Hemingway's book,
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"The Old Man And The Sea"!
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Have you lost your mind?
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Dude, we can't read an
entire book in one weekend.
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Oh, that's too bad, dude.
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Maybe if you boys could
keep your penises in your pants
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once in a while you'd get more done!
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But Teacher,
my penis never slips out of my pants.
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Eh-except sometimes
when I'm wearin' pajamas.
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If you do not have
an essay written on Monday,
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then you will fail! Is that clear?!
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Dude, how are supposed
to read an entire book
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over the weekend and write an essay?
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Our whole weekend is shot.
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(What the hell are we going to do?!)
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You guys, you guys, relax.
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We don't have to read
the book or write the essay.
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- We don't?
- No.
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There's people you can
hire to do these sorts of things.
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¿Que paso? ¿Que paso?
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Looking for work? Sí? Trabajo?
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- Yeis.
- We looking work, sí.
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Okay, listen up, Mexicans.
We need you to read
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"The Old Man And The Sea" for us.
Comprende?
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"The Old Man Y La Mer.
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Okay. Sure. Okay. Yeah.
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Here. We need you to work together,
read the book
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and write four essays, comprende?
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La samaraisia.
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- Okay no problem. That's no problem.
- Yeah, we can do that.
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Sí, la samuraisia.
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- Okay, gracias.
- Gracias.
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Dude, that is awesome.
I had no idea you could do that.
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Oh yeah, dude. Havin' Mexicans
around totally kicks fuckin' ass.
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They can all rot in hell!
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Who needs men anyway?!
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They're Goddamned arrogant
self-centered assholes is what they are!
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Are you okay, hon?
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I just hate men is all.
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It's like all they care
about is how hot you look!
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Yeah, I've never been into men.
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That's why I work out here.
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Since it's women only we don't
get ogled at or feel self-conscious.
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Tell me about it!
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I can't even stretch at a normal gym
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without some guy trying
to stare down my vage.
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I'm Allyson.
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Oh, I'm Janet. Janet Garrison.
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Sorry I'm so pissed off.
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No, I like it.
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You seem like a very strong woman.
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Yeah, I've been told that.
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How come I've never seen
you down at the girl bar?
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Girl bar? I never even
knew there was such a place.
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Oh you'd love it.
It's the only bar in town
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where women like us can
hang out and be ourselves.
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It's called "Les Bos."
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Hi Linda, hi Kate.
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Hey Allyson.
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Who's the new girl?
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Allyson always goes for the butch ones.
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Hey Nell. What's up, Tracy?
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Oowhat a great place.
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All the girls here
seem to know each other.
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Yeah. Well, most of the
girls here have done each other.
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He-yeah. Done what?
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You know. Had sex.
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Oh my God, this is a lesbian bar??
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Yeah. I... thought you understood that.
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Oh jeez.
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I'm sorry. I thought you
knew what "girl bar" meant.
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But I'm not a- ...whoa! Who-o-o-o-oa.
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Janet, I'm really sorry.
It's just that at the gym
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you said you didn't like being with men,
so I thought you were a-
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I don't like being with men!
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They're perverted selfish pigs!
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Have you... never even... thought...
of being... with another woman?
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Oho goodness no!
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Of course I haven't.
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I mean... really I don't even understand
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how two women can make love.
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I mean un, unless they
just kinda scissor or something.
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There are a lot of
ways to make love, Janet.
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I guess I'd be lying
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if I said I wasn't
a little ...titillated.
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Could I... maybe kiss you?
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Oh, this is wrong!
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You're another woman;
it doesn't make sense!
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Is it wrong, Janet?
Let your inhibitions go.
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Let's just have fun tonight.
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No commitments. Just fun.
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Oh yeah, scissor!
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Yeah, scissor me Allyson!
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Janet, you're crazy!
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Oh, this is hot scissoring!
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Ohh! Scissor me timbers!
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They'd better be done
with the book reports!
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School starts in 15 minutes!
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They'll be done.
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¿Que paso? ¿Que paso?
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All right, did you read the book?
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- Sí
- Sí.
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What was it about?
Ih-in case our teacher asks us.
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Eet starts there the old man,
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and his job is to catch the feesh,
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so he get in the boht,
to try and catch feesh.
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Saw he catch the feesh,
but the feesh is very strong,
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so the old man,
cannot reel in the feesh.
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So then he fight the feesh. Some more.
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And he finally catch the feesh.
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He catches the feesh so,
then he can make money.
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No, because on the way home,
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the sharks come and eat the feesh.
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And so, he no make money.
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That's it, that's the whole story?
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Sí.
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All right,
did you write the four essays?
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Sí, we all wrote eses for you.
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- All right!
- Okay, let's have 'em.
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Have what?
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You said you all wrote essays.
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Where are they?
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Well, my ese lives in Miami.
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I wrote to him like you said,
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but I don't think he got the letter yet.
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I wrote my ese in Albuquerque
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I wrote three eses:
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my ese back home, my ese in Denver,
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and my ese in Glenwood
even wrote me back.
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"Thanks for writing me, ese."
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(Uh oh...)
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Dude, we're totally fucked now!
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Why the hell would we
pay you to write your friends?!
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We thought it was kind of strange.
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This is your fault, Cartman!
Now we're gonna fail!
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You guys, school starts in ten minutes!
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Son of a bitch!
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Clyde? Clyde! Hey hey Clyde!
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You didn't finish
your essay either, right?
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No, I got it done.
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Jimmy, did you finish your book report?
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Yeah. I feel pretty good about it.
I finished my whole book report
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and, I got a really
nice letter from my ese
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who works down at the U-Haul.
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- Crap!
- We're dead.
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Hello, class.
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Here's my little desk,
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my nice lil' chalkboard ...
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Mrs. Garrison, about our book reports...
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Oho, that's okay Eric.
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If you need a little more
time with your homework, just say so.
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Really?
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Kids, I need to tell you something
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that you might find shocking.
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I'm gay.
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Again?
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It was a shock to me too.
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I... met another woman and...
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we went to this fabulous
bar called Lesbos
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where I finally felt at home.
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Allyson and I talked, and
really opened up to each other and...
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then we... scissored all night long.
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You have to be careful with scissors.
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But listen, I am not going to just
rush into a relationship with Allyson.
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I'm a late-in-life lesbian.
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So I need to play the
field for a while, right?
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Oh I'm so happy.
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That's great!
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Let's hear it for
Teacher being a lesbian!
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YAY!
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Hey Tracy, hey Kate.
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Hi Janet.
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Lookin' hot, Linda.
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Wanna go somewhere and scissor later on?
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Huh?
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Hey Patty.
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What's up, Janet.
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Ooo, stop giving me that look.
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Scissoring me with your eyes.
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Hey Janet,
why don't you pick up on your own girl?
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Oh yeah, dyke fight!
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You kicked me right in the pussy!
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Uh? Oh! Oh, we're scissoring.
Oh yeah, scissor!
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You guys. You guys, stop it.
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Listen to me, everybody.
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I got some bad news.
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What is it, Katie?
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They're closing down the bar. For good!
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Closing it down? They can't do that.
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This is our home.
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Yeah, this is our home.
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Well it's true,
I just talked to the owners.
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They've sold the bar to Persians.
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Persians?!
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So where are we supposed to go?
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We aren't going anywhere!
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We have a history here!
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Persians are closing this
bar over my dead lesbian body!
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Mayor, this is an outrage!
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We are being discriminated
against as lesbians!
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You're a lesbian now?
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That's right. A proud lesbian!
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And our home is being taken away!
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00:10:09,190 --> 00:10:11,490
The bar has been sold
to Persian club owners.
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00:10:11,540 --> 00:10:13,392
I don't know what you
want me to do about it.
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Forbid the transaction!
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This is happening all
over the country, Mayor.
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Lesbian bars being bought out,
shut down, it isn't right!
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00:10:20,583 --> 00:10:21,895
Yeah, that's right!
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I'm sorry, but my hands are tied.
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00:10:23,931 --> 00:10:26,535
The new owners plan to start
redecorating the bar tomorrow.
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You have to be out by then.
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Have you seen how Persians decorate?
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They will cover that bar in
cheesy blue carpeting, white statues
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and gold curtain rods to the
point that you will want to puke!
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Mrs. Garrison, get out of here.
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Well, here's to some
great times at this place.
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Yeah. Guess we'll just have
to find somewhere else to hang out.
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Now, come on gals ! I can't believe what
I'm hearing ! We can't just give up !
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00:11:01,786 --> 00:11:05,085
- What are we supposed to do, Janet?
- We stand and fight!
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00:11:05,135 --> 00:11:09,278
When the Persians come we
tell them "We aren't leaving Lesbos."
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00:11:09,578 --> 00:11:11,328
Actually, it's "Les Bos."
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No, it's Lesbos!
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We... are Lesbos!
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And as Lesbos,
we cannot just stand and watch
244
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as one girl bar after
another gets shut dowwwwwn!
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00:11:24,835 --> 00:11:27,835
The Persians have sent
somebody to talk to us.
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00:11:29,150 --> 00:11:30,905
Hello, my name is Emir Hadi.
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My boss sent me over here
because he heard that you were upset
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about us trying to take over the bar.
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- Yes, we are.
- Well, we want to assure you,
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that when this place
becomes another Club Persh,
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you will all still be 100% welcome.
252
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All they want is to
make the place really nice.
253
00:11:49,053 --> 00:11:53,456
We're going to put down some lovely
blue carpet, and gold curtain rods.
254
00:11:53,675 --> 00:11:55,625
I knew it! I knew it!
255
00:11:55,695 --> 00:11:57,242
But you are still welcome to come.
256
00:11:57,292 --> 00:12:01,608
My boss wants you to know that you will
not be discriminated against in any way.
257
00:12:01,658 --> 00:12:04,349
Would you allow straight people in? Men?
258
00:12:04,399 --> 00:12:06,203
Well... we would allow whoev-
259
00:12:06,253 --> 00:12:10,007
Choose your next words wisely, Persian!
260
00:12:10,645 --> 00:12:13,662
Look uhh, we don't have
to offer you anything, so...
261
00:12:13,712 --> 00:12:16,458
I don't know why you're
being so difficult. This is crazy.
262
00:12:16,508 --> 00:12:19,362
No, this isn't crazy.
263
00:12:20,621 --> 00:12:23,388
This... is... Lesbos!
264
00:12:28,794 --> 00:12:30,244
How dare you!
265
00:12:33,060 --> 00:12:35,147
And so it had begun.
266
00:12:35,197 --> 00:12:40,059
By kicking the Persian messenger in the
balls, the lesbos had sent a message.
267
00:12:40,799 --> 00:12:44,609
All over the country lesbians
heard of the brave standoff.
268
00:12:44,659 --> 00:12:47,272
As a group of lesbians in Colorado
269
00:12:47,322 --> 00:12:50,695
are refusing to allow
the new owners of their bar in.
270
00:12:50,745 --> 00:12:53,232
- Good for them!
- You go girls!
271
00:13:00,846 --> 00:13:03,149
The Persians returned to their office,
272
00:13:03,199 --> 00:13:07,996
and told their coworkers how the thirty
lesbos were refusing to let them in.
273
00:13:08,210 --> 00:13:11,400
Well fine.
If they're going to block the entrance,
274
00:13:11,450 --> 00:13:15,516
we'll just bring like, sixty of us!
I'll call more Persians for help.
275
00:13:26,475 --> 00:13:31,618
The hours pass quickly, and the lesbians
boldly stood out in front of their bar
276
00:13:31,668 --> 00:13:33,918
to stop the Persians from entering.
277
00:13:34,620 --> 00:13:35,870
Here they come.
278
00:13:46,690 --> 00:13:48,602
There's so many of them.
279
00:13:49,837 --> 00:13:52,322
Lesbos! Positions!
280
00:13:55,909 --> 00:14:00,080
Lesbians! Stand aside.
We're coming in to redecorate it!
281
00:14:00,329 --> 00:14:04,516
The hell you are! You can take
your blue carpet and gold curtain rods
282
00:14:04,566 --> 00:14:06,912
and shove them up
your Persian buttholes!
283
00:14:06,962 --> 00:14:10,362
All right!
Come on! They can't stop all of us!
284
00:14:17,019 --> 00:14:19,269
Lesbos! Remember this day!
285
00:14:19,508 --> 00:14:21,408
Remember this fight!
286
00:14:30,899 --> 00:14:32,599
Don't give them an inch!
287
00:14:37,271 --> 00:14:39,437
Ow! Iranian faggot!
288
00:14:40,445 --> 00:14:42,909
Come on, seriously, let us in!
289
00:14:43,165 --> 00:14:44,165
Never!
290
00:14:46,574 --> 00:14:50,043
For hours,
the Lesbos kept the Persians back,
291
00:14:50,093 --> 00:14:53,505
holding them off,
keeping them from decorating.
292
00:14:55,589 --> 00:14:58,050
Finally the Persians grew tired,
293
00:14:58,100 --> 00:15:02,228
and many of them wanted to go
shopping for more designer sunglasses.
294
00:15:02,278 --> 00:15:06,774
They retreated. The Lesbos... had held.
295
00:15:09,443 --> 00:15:11,693
Lesbohhhs!!
296
00:15:14,751 --> 00:15:16,873
The Persians who did not go shopping
297
00:15:16,923 --> 00:15:20,164
now knew they must face their boss.
298
00:15:20,214 --> 00:15:21,490
Here he comes.
299
00:15:26,577 --> 00:15:30,849
Rauf Xerxes. He sat atop a gold Hummer
300
00:15:30,899 --> 00:15:35,507
with customized Gucci accessories which
only a Persian would think was cool.
301
00:15:39,490 --> 00:15:44,742
Mr. Xerxes, the Lesbos wouldn't move.
We could not get inside to redecorate.
302
00:15:46,676 --> 00:15:50,487
Tumon, how could you have
failed me in this simple task?
303
00:15:50,689 --> 00:15:55,278
I am so seriously pissed off right now.
I could bust a testicle.
304
00:15:55,776 --> 00:16:00,303
And with that the Persian
club owner came to a realization.
305
00:16:00,816 --> 00:16:04,674
I shall have to deal
with these lesbos myself.
306
00:16:09,170 --> 00:16:12,763
Girls, I just want to say
that I am very proud of you.
307
00:16:12,965 --> 00:16:17,259
The way we kept those Persians
from takin' over our bar was Les-tastic.
308
00:16:17,403 --> 00:16:19,437
Well that's great, Janet, but what now?
309
00:16:19,487 --> 00:16:22,025
We can't just stay here
pushing them away our whole lives.
310
00:16:22,075 --> 00:16:23,868
We can't? I think it's pretty fun.
311
00:16:23,918 --> 00:16:25,622
We have to have a more solid plan.
312
00:16:25,672 --> 00:16:28,835
Something we can use
against them permanently.
313
00:16:28,885 --> 00:16:32,061
Maybe we can dig up
some dirt on the club owner.
314
00:16:32,111 --> 00:16:36,612
Hey, that's a great idea, Betsy.
We need somebody working on the inside.
315
00:16:36,880 --> 00:16:37,875
Whattaya mean?
316
00:16:37,925 --> 00:16:40,052
If we could get some
Persians on our side,
317
00:16:40,102 --> 00:16:42,900
we could send them in to try
to dig up some dirt on the owner!
318
00:16:42,950 --> 00:16:46,081
But who's gonna spy on them for us?
We don't know any Persians.
319
00:16:46,131 --> 00:16:50,334
It's okay. There's people
you can hire for this kind of thing.
320
00:16:53,890 --> 00:16:56,029
¿Que paso? ¿Que paso?
321
00:16:56,577 --> 00:16:58,703
Looking for work? Sí? Trabajo?
322
00:16:58,753 --> 00:17:00,903
- Yeis.
- We looking work, sí.
323
00:17:00,953 --> 00:17:04,577
All right. We need you to infiltrate
some Persians who run Club Persh,
324
00:17:04,627 --> 00:17:07,327
and dig up some dirt on the owner.
325
00:17:07,804 --> 00:17:09,217
Okay. Sure. Okay. Yeah.
326
00:17:09,267 --> 00:17:11,729
Janet, how is this gonna work?
They don't look Persian.
327
00:17:11,779 --> 00:17:13,128
Sure they do.
328
00:17:13,914 --> 00:17:15,764
Just have to- gel the hair,
329
00:17:17,176 --> 00:17:20,685
put on a silk shirt, some gold chains,
330
00:17:21,608 --> 00:17:23,558
and tons of cologne.
331
00:17:24,445 --> 00:17:26,140
Persian.
332
00:17:26,190 --> 00:17:26,940
Sí.
333
00:17:27,719 --> 00:17:28,719
Wow!
334
00:17:28,810 --> 00:17:30,895
All right,
Mexicans, take the rest of these outfits
335
00:17:30,945 --> 00:17:33,562
and see what you can find out.
The address is in there too.
336
00:17:33,612 --> 00:17:35,861
Okay. No problem. Yes. Sí.
337
00:17:36,718 --> 00:17:41,018
And Mexicans, please hurry.
Our girl bar has very little time.
338
00:17:42,477 --> 00:17:45,909
A full day passed, and the Lesbos knew
339
00:17:45,959 --> 00:17:48,681
a second Persian attack was imminent.
340
00:17:48,731 --> 00:17:54,204
Outside, Lesbo lookouts kept watch,
ready to alert the others.
341
00:17:55,043 --> 00:17:58,394
The Lesbo leader sat nervously inside.
342
00:17:58,444 --> 00:18:02,192
>Her plan to dress Mexicans
as Persians to act as spies,
343
00:18:02,242 --> 00:18:03,881
perhaps it had failed.
344
00:18:04,008 --> 00:18:08,647
She looked around at her fellow Lesbos.
They were tired.
345
00:18:08,697 --> 00:18:13,002
In order to keep her Lesbos awake,
she had no choice:
346
00:18:13,052 --> 00:18:15,202
she would have to make coffee.
347
00:18:35,033 --> 00:18:40,607
With fresh coffee brewed, the Lesbos
found new life, but would it be enough ?
348
00:18:41,181 --> 00:18:43,331
The Persians are attacking again!
349
00:18:43,828 --> 00:18:46,950
- Take positions, Lesbos!
- Get outside!
350
00:18:47,422 --> 00:18:50,972
No wait, wait! That's not the Persians,
it's the Mexicans.
351
00:18:51,042 --> 00:18:52,986
- Really?
- How can you tell?
352
00:18:53,036 --> 00:18:55,036
Let them through. It's okay.
353
00:18:55,161 --> 00:18:57,012
- Hola, ¿Cómo estás?
- Hola.
354
00:18:57,062 --> 00:19:00,411
Did you uncover anything?
Are the Persians doing anything illegal?
355
00:19:00,461 --> 00:19:03,792
Ahh, no. They're not
doing anything illegal.
356
00:19:04,518 --> 00:19:05,514
A-are you sure??
357
00:19:05,564 --> 00:19:09,531
No, but we did find out a kind
of secret about the Persian in charge.
358
00:19:09,581 --> 00:19:10,731
What secret?!
359
00:19:13,435 --> 00:19:16,125
- Oh my God, are you sure about this?
- Sí.
360
00:19:16,175 --> 00:19:21,051
Janet ! Janet, the Persian boss is here.
He wants to talk to you and you alone.
361
00:19:21,575 --> 00:19:25,940
It's okay. It's time I met
this rich Persian asshole face to face.
362
00:19:31,795 --> 00:19:34,995
Why are you lesbians being so difficult?
363
00:19:35,448 --> 00:19:38,348
Because we're protecting
the only home we have.
364
00:19:38,470 --> 00:19:41,549
I don't know why you have
to be all superlame about this.
365
00:19:41,599 --> 00:19:45,058
You know, a long time ago when
I first realized I was a lesbian,
366
00:19:45,108 --> 00:19:47,289
I felt isolated, confused.
367
00:19:47,339 --> 00:19:50,910
And finally I found a place
that accepts me for who I am.
368
00:19:50,960 --> 00:19:56,815
Okay, how about this? I will
make you the manager of Club Persh.
369
00:19:56,865 --> 00:19:58,366
You'll make good money.
370
00:19:58,416 --> 00:20:00,460
That's a generous offers, Xerxes.
371
00:20:00,510 --> 00:20:03,460
But you see,
there's something I know about you.
372
00:20:04,714 --> 00:20:07,414
I know you're actually a woman.
373
00:20:08,703 --> 00:20:09,817
How..?
374
00:20:10,529 --> 00:20:12,529
How did you find that out?
375
00:20:12,624 --> 00:20:14,937
I hired Mexicans to spy on you!
376
00:20:14,987 --> 00:20:17,906
They saw you working out at Curves.
377
00:20:17,956 --> 00:20:22,375
You don't understand. Women
can't be the boss in Persian culture.
378
00:20:22,425 --> 00:20:24,322
Nobody can know about this.
379
00:20:24,685 --> 00:20:28,964
Yeah. And you know why?
Because men are all assholes!
380
00:20:29,014 --> 00:20:33,469
They make you feel ashamed for being
a little... big, or, manly looking.
381
00:20:34,409 --> 00:20:39,244
But not Lesbos. We accept
other women for who they are inside!
382
00:20:39,741 --> 00:20:41,541
You do? Seriously?
383
00:20:41,736 --> 00:20:45,805
Have you never... even thought,
of being with another woman before?
384
00:20:46,276 --> 00:20:50,936
No. I don't even know how two women...
can make love.
385
00:20:51,661 --> 00:20:55,361
Unless they just kind
of scissor or something.
386
00:20:57,423 --> 00:21:00,378
Ohh yeah! Scissor me, Xerxes!
387
00:21:00,486 --> 00:21:03,052
Ohh, that feels so supercool!
388
00:21:03,132 --> 00:21:06,532
- Yeah, scissor!
- Ohh, I'm a new woman!
389
00:21:07,109 --> 00:21:10,537
And so it was that Lesbos was saved.
390
00:21:10,587 --> 00:21:13,918
The Persians had agreed
to leave it a lesbian bar,
391
00:21:13,968 --> 00:21:16,972
for no dyke should be without cocktails.
392
00:21:17,022 --> 00:21:21,689
- Thanks for everything, Xerxes.
- No. Thank you, friend.
393
00:21:21,790 --> 00:21:24,158
Hey, aren't you supposed
to be teaching school right now?
394
00:21:24,208 --> 00:21:27,058
The school hired a
substitute to cover for me.
395
00:21:28,018 --> 00:21:31,553
Hand so to find the
sum of the two fractions,
396
00:21:31,603 --> 00:21:35,253
zhyou must always check
for the lowest common denominator.
397
00:21:35,337 --> 00:21:37,830
Sí. Sí. Yes. Yes. Sí.
398
00:21:37,903 --> 00:21:39,204
These guys are pretty good.
399
00:21:39,205 --> 00:21:41,563
Yeah. I think I'm actually
learning something.
400
00:21:41,613 --> 00:21:42,983
Subtitles: Spirit
Transcript: South Park Scriptorium
401
00:21:42,984 --> 00:21:43,824
www.southparknews.net