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"Whales Whores"
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Alright, everyone.
Welcome to the dolphin encounter
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here at the Denver Aquarium!
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My name is Chad
and I'll be your guide and trainer
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as you meet these intelligent,
and truly magical creatures.
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And here they come.
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This is Trigger and Dolly.
And there's Bubbles.
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- Pretty neat birthday, huh, Stan?
- This is gonna be awesome!
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If they come near you,
you can touch their backs.
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Just no grabbing, please.
What whimsical creatures, aren't they?
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All of the dolphins you
will be encountering today
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are Atlantic bottlenose dolphins.
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Now who'd like to get a kiss
from one?
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- I would like to...
- Me! I wanna kiss it!
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Alright. Let's just get you to put
your hands, palms down on the water.
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What is that?
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It's the Japanese!
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Fuck you, dolphin!
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Fuck you, dolphin!
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These are our favorite animals
here at the Atlanta Zoo.
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It's Dolly and Seamore.
They are beluga whales.
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These whales live mostly
in the arctic...
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Fuck you, whales!
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Alright, Jessica.
Now put your arms out like this.
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Great job, Jessica!
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Fuck you, whale!
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Hey, pal.
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Sorry your birthday got a little ruined
by the Japanese.
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Dad, why did they do that?
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Well, Stan, the Japanese just...
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don't really like dolphins
very much.
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Certainly not as much
as us normal people do.
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But, at least
you still got your t-shirt!
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And you'll always have
your neat picture.
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Dan Dierdorf here welcoming you
to this great football matchup
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between the Kansas City Chiefs
and the Miami Dolphins.
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We're all set for kick-off and...
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Dan, it looks like some Japanese people
are now rushing onto the field.
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This is not the kind of thing
you want happening during kickoff.
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Fuck you, dolphin!
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Several whales and dolphins were again
slaughtered by the Japanese today.
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This time at the Six Flags
Discovery Kingdom near San Francisco.
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Aquariums had been experimenting
with methods to keep the Japanese out,
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but so far nothing seems
to stop them.
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When asked if all of Japan
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supported the slaughtering
of whales and dolphins,
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the current prime minister of Japan,
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Yukio Hatoyama had this to say.
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Fuck you, whale!
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And Fuck you, dolphin!
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Guys!
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Look, I really think
it's time for us to do something.
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- This is all getting way out of hand.
- What do you mean? This song is sweet.
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No, not the song.
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I'm talking about the Japanese
killing whales and dolphins.
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- They've been doing that for long.
- So?
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Don't you guys care?
We have to do something!
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What can we do?
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It's not like we can change
the way a country thinks.
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I don't like it,
but it's just their way.
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Everyone has an attitude of...
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"that's the way they are"
and "that's the way it is".
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Nobody likes it
but everyone's too busy to do anything.
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I'm not too busy, Stan.
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- You're not?
- No. I just don't care at all.
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You don't care about whales
and dolphins being slaughtered?
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Me and Kenny don't give two shits
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about stupid ass whales.
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When all the whales and dolphins
are gone, people are going to wish
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that at some point, they took the time
to care just a little goddamn bit!
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I wanna roll with him
a hard pair we will be
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I don't give a crap 'bout whales
so go and hug a tree
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I heard you're looking for people
who care about the slaughter of whales!
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Butters, you wanna help?
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No. I got stuff to do.
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But I wanted to tell you,
there's these fellers on TV.
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They go out in the ocean and try
to stop the Japanese wherever they are!
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Really?
People who are doing something?
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I watch their show all the time.
And they take volunteers!
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Then that's where I belong.
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We are badass.
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Any means necessary.
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We're not protesters.
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We're pirates.
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That's definitely a Japanese boat.
Looks like they're whaling now!
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Fuck you, whale!
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Oh, my God,
they're gonna kill those humpbacks!
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- We gotta do something!
- Pull up next to them. The fight is on!
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Sweet!
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Are we ready to do this?
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- Yeah! Let's do it!
- Are we badasses?
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Are we badasses?
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Alright, so...
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What do we do?
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Wait. I know!
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How about we go on their ship
and then beat ourselves up!
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And then we can tell the media
they did it!
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- Great idea, captain!
- I'll start right now!
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Oh, my God.
Luke's been hurt trying to save whales!
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Wait!
I've got a better idea!
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How about I pretend to be shot!
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Then we can tell the media
the Japanese shot me
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and it'll start
a international crisis!
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Well, wait, wait.
We don't wanna just lie about stuff.
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Why not?
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Because then we're just douche bags.
They're right here. Let's get hardcore!
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You know what?
He's right!
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It's time to bring out the big guns.
You guys ready?
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Ready? And...
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Throw the stinky butter at them!
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You stink now.
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- Wait, that's it?
- Yeah, we make 'em stink!
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Your boat is stinky!
Here, throw one!
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They're always covered in guts!
They don't care if they stink!
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Let's break their boat!
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No, that'd be illegal.
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I thought you guys
were pirates in a war!
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I'm a pirate in a war!
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Pirates don't worry about the law.
You guys said you were badasses!
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We are! People think
our methods are extreme,
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but we'll keep making their boat stink
as long as they're whaling!
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The Japanese are scared
of how hardcore we are!
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- What do we do?
- We don't have a captain!
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Maybe he's okay.
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- Oh, my God!
- What did you do?
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What you assholes
acted like you were doing.
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Wait for it...
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Wait for it...
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Now!
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And now, Larry King!
Live!
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My guest tonight is the boy
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who took over
the Whale Wars reality show
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and turned it into a big hit.
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Please welcome,
Stan Marsh and his crew.
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Hey, Jordon!
I'm on Larry King, mate!
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00:10:24,582 --> 00:10:26,834
So, Stan, what motivated you,
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what inspired you
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to get out there
and make a hit TV show?
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No, I don't care about the TV show.
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I'm just trying to stop the Japanese
from killing dolphins and whales.
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Once you became captain,
the methods used to stop the Japanese
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definitely
became more aggressive.
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Was that the key to helping
boost your ratings?
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- I don't care about the show.
- We're pirates!
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I want people to know that you can stop
the Japanese if you got some real balls.
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I've got balls!
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Well, there are many people who see
what you're doing as a positive thing,
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and of course
many that see problems with it.
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Joining us now
is one of those people...
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You say Stan's methods
are unethical.
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00:11:05,623 --> 00:11:09,251
Larry, you can't just go out and take
matters into your own hands like this.
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If you want a hit TV show
you have to go through producers,
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directors,
people that are in the unions.
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But, Sid, you saw the show
before Stan took it over.
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You have to admit that it was nothing
but incompetent vegan pussies
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doing absolutely nothing
and trying to turn it into drama.
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Yes, but it doesn't justify
changing the entire show structure
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that their old captain had pitched
to the network.
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Could we please just talk
about the whaling problem for a second?
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But their old captain,
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Paul Watson, was an unorganized,
incompetent media whore
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who thought lying to everyone was okay
as long as it served his cause.
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Yes, of course everyone knows
that Paul Watson was a smug,
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narcoleptic liar
with no credibility, but...
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Screw this.
I gotta get back to work.
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On this episode
of real actual Whale Wars...
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Captain Marsh searches
for the Japanese fleet,
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knowing they could be
absolutely anywhere...
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Would you mind
stepping back a little?
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Captain, some new volunteers showed up
to help us in our crusade.
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No, dude, we really can't take
any more volunteers.
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But they say you know them.
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Alright, dude.
This is pretty sweet.
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00:12:15,818 --> 00:12:18,237
- What, dude?
- What, so now that I have a hit TV show
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you guys care
about dolphins and whales?
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We always have.
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- I asked you guys to help me and you said no.
- That's not what we said.
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You said,
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"Me and Kenny don't give two shits
about stupid ass whales."
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We were talking
about Wales the country.
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If you admit that you are doing this
because you want to be on TV,
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then I'll consider it.
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Admit you just want to be on TV.
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I deserve to be on TV.
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Captain, the Japanese have
been spotted near buoy 24!
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Out of port!
All hands to stations.
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Alright. Let's go save
those whales, you guys!
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Captain Marsh races his boat
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to the last known location
of the Japanese whalers.
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If he doesn't get there in time,
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00:13:02,114 --> 00:13:04,282
hundreds of dolphins
or whales could die.
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00:13:04,450 --> 00:13:06,994
When we get there we gotta be ready
to deploy the tracking devices!
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00:13:07,119 --> 00:13:08,787
We can't let those whales get hurt!
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- What the hell was that?
- We just got rammed.
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00:13:13,375 --> 00:13:16,878
- The Japanese want to play that way?
- It's not the Japanese.
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00:13:17,254 --> 00:13:18,255
What?
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00:13:20,382 --> 00:13:22,592
On deck, the crew is surprised
at what they see.
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00:13:23,135 --> 00:13:26,930
The other boat is from Deadliest Catch,
a crab fishing reality show.
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00:13:27,264 --> 00:13:29,683
You think you're so cool, don't you?
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00:13:29,851 --> 00:13:32,645
You think you're a big boat
reality show on the block?
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00:13:33,062 --> 00:13:34,938
Take it away men's livelihoods.
202
00:13:36,315 --> 00:13:38,400
What?
We're trying to get to some whales.
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00:13:38,568 --> 00:13:42,363
You're taking viewers away
from our show you stupid ass.
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00:13:42,739 --> 00:13:44,531
Your show is fucking gay, dude.
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00:13:44,699 --> 00:13:46,741
Your show is fucking gay.
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00:13:47,993 --> 00:13:49,953
Screw this.
Turn hard to port.
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00:13:52,498 --> 00:13:54,959
But everywhere
his reality show boat turns,
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00:13:55,084 --> 00:13:57,419
the crab fishing reality show
blocks its path.
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00:13:59,838 --> 00:14:02,091
- Dude, fuck you.
- Fuck you.
210
00:14:03,592 --> 00:14:07,220
It's been three hours and the crab
fishing reality show isn't budging.
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00:14:07,388 --> 00:14:09,473
Captain Marsh's boat
is dead in the water.
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00:14:09,807 --> 00:14:12,893
Can't go after the Japanese,
can't help the whales or dolphins.
213
00:14:13,352 --> 00:14:16,063
Once again on Whale Wars,
nothing is happening.
214
00:14:17,690 --> 00:14:20,234
It's pretty difficult times
because...
215
00:14:20,609 --> 00:14:22,564
we know that every minute
we're sitting here stopped,
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00:14:22,599 --> 00:14:24,280
another whale is dying.
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00:14:25,281 --> 00:14:27,366
Really tough. You know.
It's really hard.
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00:14:27,658 --> 00:14:31,662
It's like we've dedicated all our times
and our lives to saving these creatures.
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00:14:36,083 --> 00:14:37,793
He's taking it especially hard.
220
00:14:37,918 --> 00:14:40,004
He's always loved dolphins
so much that he...
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00:14:40,379 --> 00:14:42,506
Yeah, but keep it in the two shot.
222
00:14:42,840 --> 00:14:45,384
He's always loved dolphins so much
that he would do anything.
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00:14:48,512 --> 00:14:51,140
Crab fishing reality show
is doing just fine.
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00:14:53,685 --> 00:14:56,895
But for the Whale Wars crew,
it appears the show is over.
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00:14:57,521 --> 00:14:59,481
Until a sound is heard.
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00:15:02,943 --> 00:15:03,944
What was that?
227
00:15:05,779 --> 00:15:06,988
Captain, look!
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00:15:15,498 --> 00:15:18,584
The whales are taking out
the crab fishermen reality show.
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00:15:18,709 --> 00:15:20,460
It's like they know.
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00:15:36,268 --> 00:15:37,352
They do know.
231
00:15:38,062 --> 00:15:40,314
They know everything
I've been trying to do for them.
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00:15:40,439 --> 00:15:42,900
Our gentle friends of the sea
have saved the day.
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00:15:43,025 --> 00:15:46,236
Because they know that only we
can save them from the Japanese.
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00:15:54,578 --> 00:15:55,746
Jesus Christ!
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00:16:13,847 --> 00:16:15,808
We got to get something
to shoot them with.
236
00:16:16,725 --> 00:16:17,684
Look out!
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00:16:35,411 --> 00:16:37,788
I can't believe it.
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00:16:38,914 --> 00:16:40,457
Dude, you know what?
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00:16:40,582 --> 00:16:43,001
Japanese people
really do not like whales.
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00:17:01,186 --> 00:17:03,564
Well, I'm in
Japanese prison lord.
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00:17:03,689 --> 00:17:05,523
Japanese prison got me down.
242
00:17:08,318 --> 00:17:11,071
Said I'm in Japanese prison lord.
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00:17:11,196 --> 00:17:13,532
Don't belong here.
My eyes are round.
244
00:17:15,659 --> 00:17:16,869
Will you stop that?
245
00:17:17,327 --> 00:17:19,997
Oh, I'm sorry. Am I making things
uncomfortable for you, Stan?
246
00:17:20,122 --> 00:17:22,749
It's your fault
me and Kenny are in the mess!
247
00:17:22,917 --> 00:17:24,835
Things are bad enough
without you being a smart ass!
248
00:17:24,960 --> 00:17:26,409
There's whales out there
being slaughtered right now
249
00:17:26,444 --> 00:17:27,463
and I can't do anything about it!
250
00:17:27,588 --> 00:17:30,215
- So just keep quiet.
- You don't have a TV show anymore, captain,
251
00:17:30,340 --> 00:17:32,342
so you can suck
my Japanese imprisoned balls.
252
00:17:34,803 --> 00:17:38,432
I'm in a Japanese prison lord.
Japanese balls got me down.
253
00:17:50,194 --> 00:17:52,571
So you are the ones
254
00:17:52,696 --> 00:17:54,739
who have been a sinking our boats!
255
00:17:55,282 --> 00:17:56,366
You speak English?
256
00:17:56,534 --> 00:17:58,827
You have caused us many problems!
257
00:17:58,952 --> 00:18:00,787
Set us back many months!
258
00:18:01,121 --> 00:18:03,207
Sir, we actually don't give two shits
about you killing whales.
259
00:18:03,332 --> 00:18:04,333
Can we go?
260
00:18:04,876 --> 00:18:06,251
Why have you done this?
261
00:18:06,376 --> 00:18:09,546
Why do you insist
on making trouble for the Japanese?
262
00:18:09,714 --> 00:18:11,028
Why do you do what you do?
263
00:18:11,078 --> 00:18:13,258
You know that 98% of the
world is against whaling?
264
00:18:13,383 --> 00:18:14,759
Why can't you just stop?
265
00:18:15,302 --> 00:18:18,180
You think you have the right
to tell us
266
00:18:18,305 --> 00:18:19,640
what is OK?
267
00:18:20,098 --> 00:18:22,309
I have something to show you.
268
00:18:29,566 --> 00:18:31,235
This is Hiroshima.
269
00:18:31,360 --> 00:18:32,986
Over 50 years ago,
270
00:18:33,237 --> 00:18:36,740
this entire city was destroyed
by nuclear bomb.
271
00:18:36,865 --> 00:18:38,700
We built this museum
272
00:18:39,034 --> 00:18:41,912
so that we never forget
what happened.
273
00:18:44,790 --> 00:18:45,832
What?
Dude...
274
00:18:46,458 --> 00:18:48,752
At 8:15 AM,
275
00:18:48,877 --> 00:18:52,506
the people of Hiroshima
were just minding their own business,
276
00:18:52,631 --> 00:18:56,259
when out of nowhere,
a flash devastated them all.
277
00:18:56,635 --> 00:18:59,096
Women, children,
who died in the flash
278
00:18:59,221 --> 00:19:00,764
simply evaporated.
279
00:19:01,181 --> 00:19:02,766
Those left alive,
280
00:19:02,934 --> 00:19:05,143
suffered the worst pain of all.
281
00:19:05,477 --> 00:19:07,854
Burns, radiation poisoning.
282
00:19:08,146 --> 00:19:11,316
For generations
the radiation affected the victims.
283
00:19:11,650 --> 00:19:14,027
Japanese babies born without limbs.
284
00:19:14,152 --> 00:19:15,570
Without eyes!
285
00:19:19,908 --> 00:19:20,909
Sorry.
286
00:19:21,326 --> 00:19:22,786
Little gassy.
Excuse me.
287
00:19:23,078 --> 00:19:25,539
140,000 Japanese
288
00:19:25,664 --> 00:19:27,541
were kill by atom bomb.
289
00:19:27,666 --> 00:19:30,669
We have never recovered
from the memory of that day.
290
00:19:31,837 --> 00:19:33,255
It is impossible
291
00:19:33,380 --> 00:19:36,633
for a nation
to ever forgive an act so horrible.
292
00:19:37,134 --> 00:19:40,262
This picture shows the plane
that dropped the bomb.
293
00:19:41,054 --> 00:19:43,306
It was called the Enola Gay.
294
00:19:43,765 --> 00:19:47,560
And it was flown by the monsters
who dropped the bomb that day.
295
00:19:48,228 --> 00:19:50,647
Dolphin, and whale!
296
00:19:57,029 --> 00:20:00,282
- Where did you get that picture?
- The Americans were nice enough
297
00:20:00,407 --> 00:20:03,076
to give it to us
the day after the bombing.
298
00:20:03,201 --> 00:20:05,162
We were so thankful for the picture,
299
00:20:05,287 --> 00:20:08,039
that the next day
we ended our war with America.
300
00:20:08,498 --> 00:20:10,125
We will never forgive.
301
00:20:10,500 --> 00:20:13,086
Never rest
until they are all wiped out.
302
00:20:13,628 --> 00:20:14,629
Fuck you.
303
00:20:14,963 --> 00:20:17,090
Fuck you, dolphin and whale!
304
00:20:17,508 --> 00:20:19,259
So that's what
this has all been about.
305
00:20:19,384 --> 00:20:22,304
Dude, it actually wasn't a dolphin
and a whale who bombed Hiroshima,
306
00:20:22,429 --> 00:20:23,430
it was the...
307
00:20:24,097 --> 00:20:27,017
Dude, they won't rest until whoever
is responsible is completely wiped out.
308
00:20:27,142 --> 00:20:28,143
Oh, right.
309
00:20:28,769 --> 00:20:31,021
Look, I think
I can make everything OK here.
310
00:20:31,146 --> 00:20:32,397
Can I just use a phone?
311
00:20:37,652 --> 00:20:39,363
Dude, are you
sitting at your computer?
312
00:20:39,946 --> 00:20:41,698
I need you to do something for me.
313
00:20:42,741 --> 00:20:44,701
Mr. Prime Minister,
Japanese officials...
314
00:20:45,035 --> 00:20:46,536
There's something
you need to know.
315
00:20:46,661 --> 00:20:49,038
The photo you were given
of the Enola Gay was doctored.
316
00:20:49,998 --> 00:20:52,376
Because the real bombers
feared retaliation so badly
317
00:20:52,501 --> 00:20:54,795
that they simply pointed the finger
at somebody else.
318
00:20:54,920 --> 00:20:57,547
My government has authorized me
to give you the original photo,
319
00:20:57,672 --> 00:20:59,716
unaltered,
so you can finally know the truth.
320
00:21:00,092 --> 00:21:02,719
Dolphins and whales
were just framed by the real bombers.
321
00:21:04,513 --> 00:21:06,473
A chicken and cow.
322
00:21:08,558 --> 00:21:10,602
Chicken and cow?
323
00:21:11,353 --> 00:21:13,438
Chicken and cow?
324
00:21:13,897 --> 00:21:17,775
Chicken and cow used poor dolphin
and whale as scapegoat?
325
00:21:18,110 --> 00:21:19,485
This is outrage!
326
00:21:22,948 --> 00:21:24,157
Fuck you, cow!
327
00:21:30,372 --> 00:21:32,082
Fuck you, chicken!
328
00:21:37,462 --> 00:21:38,714
Great job, son.
329
00:21:38,839 --> 00:21:41,299
Now the Japanese are normal,
like us.
330
00:21:41,842 --> 00:21:45,720
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