1 00:00:04,755 --> 00:00:07,465 SouthParkNews.net La Fabrique 2 00:00:36,870 --> 00:00:38,496 {\pub}{\pos(192,210)}Put it down, you bitch! 3 00:00:43,001 --> 00:00:45,711 Put the golf club down, you crazy bitch! 4 00:00:46,921 --> 00:00:50,800 You motherfucker! I never should have married you! 5 00:00:50,968 --> 00:00:53,844 You're overreacting, you stupid Swedish cow! 6 00:00:54,012 --> 00:00:56,640 Then why the fuck are you getting text messages 7 00:00:56,765 --> 00:00:59,809 from some low-life hooker on Thanksgiving? 8 00:00:59,977 --> 00:01:02,145 God, shut up! Shut up! 9 00:01:02,395 --> 00:01:04,689 Where are my fucking pills? 10 00:01:05,565 --> 00:01:08,276 Take more Vicodin, Tiger! That'll help! 11 00:01:08,401 --> 00:01:11,487 - Will you just listen to me? - Listen to this! 12 00:01:12,322 --> 00:01:13,907 You fucking whore! 13 00:01:16,451 --> 00:01:19,495 Where the fuck do you think you're going? 14 00:01:19,663 --> 00:01:22,040 I'm getting the fuck away from you! 15 00:01:25,210 --> 00:01:27,962 Open the door, you motherfucker! 16 00:01:30,382 --> 00:01:31,841 Chase after me in the car, Kenny! 17 00:01:32,801 --> 00:01:34,427 - What are you {\*guys }doing? - {\*Dude, }Check it out. 18 00:01:34,552 --> 00:01:37,221 It's EA Sports Tiger Woods PGA Tour 11 for Xbox. 19 00:01:40,433 --> 00:01:43,728 - Fuck you, cunt! - Stop breaking through the window{\*, Kenny}! 20 00:01:44,020 --> 00:01:45,187 I'm gonna crash! 21 00:01:50,401 --> 00:01:52,862 Look what you did, you crazy bitch! 22 00:01:53,030 --> 00:01:56,032 Serves you right, you cheating turd! 23 00:01:57,367 --> 00:02:00,245 - {\*Dude, }Was that a combo move? - Yeah, {\*dude, }I fucked you up! 24 00:02:00,370 --> 00:02:03,206 {\*Dude, }Here come the cops! We gotta lie to them. Hit X to lie! 25 00:02:03,915 --> 00:02:05,959 I didn't know golf games were this cool! 26 00:02:06,376 --> 00:02:08,586 Yeah, {\*dude, }EA Sports outdid themselves this time. 27 00:02:08,962 --> 00:02:11,130 {\$CENTER FOR DISEASE CONTROL AND PREVENTION} 28 00:02:12,507 --> 00:02:15,135 I've gathered you together here because you are the best minds 29 00:02:15,260 --> 00:02:16,635 our country has to offer. 30 00:02:16,803 --> 00:02:20,389 As you have all seen on the news, our country is facing a major crisis. 31 00:02:20,557 --> 00:02:23,100 And we need to find out what's causing it. Why! 32 00:02:23,852 --> 00:02:26,396 Why are rich successful men suddenly going out 33 00:02:26,521 --> 00:02:28,773 and trying to have sex with lots of women. 34 00:02:30,233 --> 00:02:32,152 Tiger Woods was only the most prevalent, 35 00:02:32,277 --> 00:02:34,779 but our data shows that the numbers are growing. 36 00:02:34,904 --> 00:02:37,115 David Letterman and before that, Bill Clinton. 37 00:02:37,240 --> 00:02:38,657 There is a pattern here{\*, people}. 38 00:02:38,825 --> 00:02:41,911 Why would a man who's famous and makes tons of money 39 00:02:42,036 --> 00:02:45,415 use that to try and have sex with lots of different women? 40 00:02:46,416 --> 00:02:49,919 And these rich celebrities have perfectly good wives at home! 41 00:02:50,044 --> 00:02:52,213 Why would they even think of sex with others? 42 00:02:52,338 --> 00:02:53,339 Dammit. 43 00:02:54,340 --> 00:02:56,175 I want answers. 44 00:02:56,343 --> 00:02:59,929 We believe that it may be an outbreak of sex addiction, sir. 45 00:03:00,305 --> 00:03:01,972 Sex a woo-hoo? 46 00:03:02,140 --> 00:03:04,851 It's a new phenomena we don't completely understand yet. 47 00:03:04,976 --> 00:03:07,604 But it seems to make people... different. 48 00:03:07,729 --> 00:03:11,691 Of course, we {\*all }know the normal {\*healthy }male thinks only of sex occasionally 49 00:03:11,816 --> 00:03:14,318 and has no desire for sex with multiple partners. 50 00:03:14,569 --> 00:03:15,986 Of course. 51 00:03:16,154 --> 00:03:18,447 - Definitely true. - {\*Yes, }We all know that, go on. 52 00:03:18,615 --> 00:03:20,283 But in the sex addict, 53 00:03:20,408 --> 00:03:24,162 their {\*entire }lives are consumed with thoughts of wanting more and more. 54 00:03:24,287 --> 00:03:27,916 The mere sight of an attractive woman can make him think about sex with her. 55 00:03:28,499 --> 00:03:30,293 But what about love? 56 00:03:30,418 --> 00:03:34,005 How could tons of fame and money make you forget about love? 57 00:03:35,632 --> 00:03:38,801 What could be causing this outbreak of sexual addiction? 58 00:03:38,969 --> 00:03:41,429 It could be caused by something in the water supply. 59 00:03:41,554 --> 00:03:44,306 - Perhaps even by global warming. - Or cooling. 60 00:03:45,266 --> 00:03:48,519 If so, then the disease could start to affect our children. 61 00:03:48,937 --> 00:03:50,229 That does it. 62 00:03:51,439 --> 00:03:54,192 I want health screenings at all our nation's schools. 63 00:03:54,317 --> 00:03:58,154 We need to find out if {\*any }young people might be carrying this disease. 64 00:03:59,781 --> 00:04:01,366 Good afternoon, students. 65 00:04:01,491 --> 00:04:04,034 We are going to be doing a health screening today. 66 00:04:04,202 --> 00:04:06,496 It won't take long, and will be relatively painless, 67 00:04:06,621 --> 00:04:09,707 but we need to see if any students are showing symptoms. 68 00:04:10,083 --> 00:04:12,835 In a moment, I am going to show you a suggestive picture, 69 00:04:13,670 --> 00:04:16,922 and {\*then }I am going to ask you a question about the picture. 70 00:04:17,298 --> 00:04:18,549 All right. Ready? 71 00:04:18,800 --> 00:04:19,717 Here we go. 72 00:04:22,011 --> 00:04:22,928 What? 73 00:04:24,472 --> 00:04:25,556 Jesus, dude. 74 00:04:25,724 --> 00:04:27,976 Holy Moly. What's that, between the lady's legs? 75 00:04:28,101 --> 00:04:29,059 It's all bushy! 76 00:04:29,310 --> 00:04:32,063 Please just study the picture the best you can, students. 77 00:04:32,188 --> 00:04:34,732 I'll then ask a question which you'll answer on the paper{\* provided}. 78 00:04:34,900 --> 00:04:36,860 I've never seen that part of a lady! 79 00:04:36,985 --> 00:04:39,612 Do they all got a hedge like that? Do they? 80 00:04:39,780 --> 00:04:40,905 Okay, very good. 81 00:04:41,239 --> 00:04:43,533 Now, what color... 82 00:04:43,950 --> 00:04:47,036 was the handkerchief in the nice lady's hand? 83 00:04:48,037 --> 00:04:50,665 Write down your answer, please. What color was the handkerchief 84 00:04:50,790 --> 00:04:52,207 in the nice lady's hand. 85 00:04:54,461 --> 00:04:57,254 Did you see the bush on that lady? What the heck was that? 86 00:04:57,422 --> 00:04:59,465 Very good. Turn your answers over, please. 87 00:05:00,341 --> 00:05:03,052 Gee wiz, it was like almost up to her belly button. 88 00:05:03,220 --> 00:05:04,345 All right, now. 89 00:05:04,470 --> 00:05:07,598 Who answered that the handkerchief was yellow? 90 00:05:09,100 --> 00:05:11,019 Very good. Very good indeed. 91 00:05:11,144 --> 00:05:13,521 Now I'd like to see, who answered: 92 00:05:13,771 --> 00:05:15,273 "What handkerchief?" 93 00:05:22,905 --> 00:05:25,199 You three boys, please come with me. 94 00:05:26,325 --> 00:05:28,661 I didn't see a handkerchief. Did you see {\*a handkerchief}it, Kenny? 95 00:05:28,786 --> 00:05:31,039 Fuck no, I wasn't looking at any handkerchief! 96 00:05:34,584 --> 00:05:38,546 I'm sorry{\* boys}, but I'm afraid you three have tested positive for sex addiction. 97 00:05:39,255 --> 00:05:40,715 - What? - Oh no! 98 00:05:41,049 --> 00:05:42,132 Who fucking cares. 99 00:05:42,300 --> 00:05:44,301 {\*We are going to}We'll have to send you home, I'm afraid. 100 00:05:44,844 --> 00:05:47,429 Wait, we're sex addicts? Are you sure? 101 00:05:47,597 --> 00:05:51,309 Our nice lady with a handkerchief test is {\*extremely}very comprehensive and thorough. 102 00:05:51,434 --> 00:05:55,104 {\*I'm }Sorry, but you're simply too dangerous to have around normal{\*, well-adjusted} students. 103 00:05:55,730 --> 00:05:58,316 It was just... so big and bushy, sir! 104 00:05:58,441 --> 00:06:01,611 - Why does it look like that? - So what happens to us now? 105 00:06:03,738 --> 00:06:06,032 A life of desperation and anguish, I'm afraid. 106 00:06:06,157 --> 00:06:08,868 Your addiction will start off slowly, magazines, Internet sites. 107 00:06:08,993 --> 00:06:12,747 But {\*then }as you keep chasing your high, your tastes will get more {\*and more }dangerous. 108 00:06:12,872 --> 00:06:16,334 {\*Most likely, }You'll end up {\*going the way of}like David Carradine and Michael Hutchence. 109 00:06:16,459 --> 00:06:18,335 Autoerotic asphyxiation. 110 00:06:18,753 --> 00:06:21,130 Autoerotic asphyxiation? What's that? 111 00:06:21,298 --> 00:06:23,633 I don't want to go into too much detail, but... 112 00:06:23,758 --> 00:06:25,677 you choke yourself with a belt{\* around your neck}, 113 00:06:25,802 --> 00:06:27,887 while masturbating, dressed up like Batman{\* or something}. 114 00:06:28,012 --> 00:06:29,347 Then you pass out{\* from lack of air}, 115 00:06:29,472 --> 00:06:32,683 and apparently, it makes your orgasm super awesome. 116 00:06:33,018 --> 00:06:34,018 Really? 117 00:06:35,269 --> 00:06:37,855 I don't wanna have to buy a Batman costume! 118 00:06:39,107 --> 00:06:41,025 Ladies and gentlemen, for the past {\*several }days 119 00:06:41,193 --> 00:06:44,612 we have been screening {\*our nation's }schools for signs of sex addition. 120 00:06:44,862 --> 00:06:47,365 The results of our tests are troubling, to say the least. 121 00:06:47,490 --> 00:06:48,699 Dr. Tonton? 122 00:06:49,242 --> 00:06:53,204 In fourth graders, 5% of male students were found to be sex addicts. 123 00:06:53,496 --> 00:06:56,165 By sixth grade, the number goes up to 30%. 124 00:06:56,457 --> 00:06:57,709 At high schools, 125 00:06:57,834 --> 00:07:00,837 nearly 91% of male students answered 126 00:07:00,962 --> 00:07:02,296 "What handkerchief?" 127 00:07:02,714 --> 00:07:05,800 We're facing a sex addiction epidemic in our country. 128 00:07:05,925 --> 00:07:08,052 Young people all over America are infected 129 00:07:08,177 --> 00:07:10,012 and at an extreme risk to themselves 130 00:07:10,180 --> 00:07:13,182 and to the people around them. They're leading lives of secret pain. 131 00:07:13,516 --> 00:07:15,101 And so, these infected boys 132 00:07:15,226 --> 00:07:17,729 will soon be secretly wishing they could be having sex 133 00:07:17,854 --> 00:07:19,938 all the time with lots of different people? 134 00:07:20,106 --> 00:07:21,273 It appears so. 135 00:07:21,441 --> 00:07:23,276 The poor bastards. 136 00:07:24,569 --> 00:07:27,196 But what about us, normal healthy adults? 137 00:07:27,321 --> 00:07:29,239 Are we at risk of exposure? 138 00:07:29,407 --> 00:07:30,616 We don't believe so. 139 00:07:30,741 --> 00:07:34,370 In adult males, for whatever reason, {\*sex addiction}it only seems to be problematic 140 00:07:34,495 --> 00:07:36,830 amongst rich, successful celebrities. 141 00:07:36,998 --> 00:07:38,791 However, we are still collecting data. 142 00:07:39,458 --> 00:07:43,379 {\*Why would}Why'd wealth or success cause a man to {\*go out and }have sex with everyone he could? 143 00:07:45,423 --> 00:07:47,424 Whatever is causing this outbreak, 144 00:07:47,675 --> 00:07:50,094 we guarantee we will find it. 145 00:07:50,636 --> 00:07:52,388 Kenny, it's time for dinner! 146 00:07:59,812 --> 00:08:02,190 Sunset and evening star, 147 00:08:02,315 --> 00:08:04,233 and one clear call for me! 148 00:08:04,483 --> 00:08:06,610 And may there be no moaning of the bar, 149 00:08:07,028 --> 00:08:09,197 - when I put out to sea. - {\*Oh }My God, it's true. 150 00:08:09,322 --> 00:08:11,824 But such a tide as moving seems asleep, 151 00:08:12,284 --> 00:08:13,951 too full for sound and foam, 152 00:08:14,327 --> 00:08:16,496 when that which drew from out the boundless deep... 153 00:08:16,621 --> 00:08:18,455 There! It was like that! 154 00:08:18,623 --> 00:08:20,208 It looked just like that! 155 00:08:23,628 --> 00:08:25,462 Just like this but smaller! 156 00:08:25,630 --> 00:08:27,590 {\*And }Right {\*in the place}where her underwear should have been! 157 00:08:27,715 --> 00:08:29,466 If I trim it down, it'll look right. 158 00:08:29,634 --> 00:08:30,885 Butters, stop it! 159 00:08:31,010 --> 00:08:33,011 But this is what I keep seeing in my head! 160 00:08:33,179 --> 00:08:36,474 {\*Butters, }We are sick, don't you get it? {\*We're going to}We'll end up {\*just }like Kenny! 161 00:08:36,766 --> 00:08:39,393 If I can just see it again, I'll be fine! 162 00:08:39,977 --> 00:08:40,811 {\*Butters, }Stop! 163 00:08:41,479 --> 00:08:43,981 - Leave me alone! - Stop it!{\* Stop!} 164 00:08:48,194 --> 00:08:49,195 Oh God! 165 00:08:50,237 --> 00:08:51,530 Help us! 166 00:08:57,453 --> 00:08:59,747 {\pub}{\pos(192,245)}Tiger lines up his drive. 167 00:09:00,539 --> 00:09:02,333 {\pos(192,245)}He'll be hoping for a birdie here. 168 00:09:03,042 --> 00:09:04,627 {\pos(192,245)}Concentration is key. 169 00:09:05,169 --> 00:09:08,381 {\pos(192,245)}You motherfucker! I never should have married you! 170 00:09:09,048 --> 00:09:10,424 {\pos(192,245)}God dammit, stop it! 171 00:09:10,549 --> 00:09:13,710 {\pos(192,245)}How many women did you fuck? How many? 172 00:09:14,470 --> 00:09:17,472 - Dude, I clocked you! - I told you this game was sweet{\*, dude}. 173 00:09:18,641 --> 00:09:20,726 {\pos(192,245)}Hang on. I'm switching to a seven iron. 174 00:09:24,313 --> 00:09:26,065 Man, I lost another endorsement! 175 00:09:26,190 --> 00:09:28,317 - How'd you do that? - Hit A and X together. 176 00:09:28,985 --> 00:09:30,069 {\pos(192,245)}Round 2. 177 00:09:30,653 --> 00:09:31,654 {\pos(192,245)}Fight! 178 00:09:33,531 --> 00:09:34,824 You're going down, Elin! 179 00:09:34,949 --> 00:09:36,992 I don't think so{\*, dude}. I got the prenup power up. 180 00:09:37,410 --> 00:09:38,744 {\pos(192,245)}Prenup power up! 181 00:09:40,162 --> 00:09:42,456 {\pos(192,245)}Prenup, weak! When did you get that power up? 182 00:09:44,166 --> 00:09:45,792 All right, sex addicts! 183 00:09:45,960 --> 00:09:48,212 What other destructive behaviors did we engage in, 184 00:09:48,337 --> 00:09:50,631 which lead to our ultimate downfall? 185 00:09:51,424 --> 00:09:53,175 Anyone have another example? 186 00:09:53,300 --> 00:09:55,636 Let's see. How about... David! 187 00:09:57,638 --> 00:09:59,306 Having sex with employees. 188 00:10:00,016 --> 00:10:03,185 Sex with employees, definitely a danger there. 189 00:10:03,310 --> 00:10:05,520 What else? Mr. Clinton? 190 00:10:06,022 --> 00:10:08,065 Putting cigars in girls' vaginas. 191 00:10:08,482 --> 00:10:12,028 Very good, Billy. Cigars in vaginas. 192 00:10:12,153 --> 00:10:14,029 Not the best idea there. 193 00:10:14,197 --> 00:10:16,740 Watching Internet porn all day every day? 194 00:10:16,908 --> 00:10:18,618 Spot on, Charlie Sheen. 195 00:10:18,743 --> 00:10:21,495 Excessive Internet porn. 196 00:10:21,746 --> 00:10:24,040 Now, the reason we are making this list 197 00:10:24,165 --> 00:10:26,417 is that we have new members today! 198 00:10:26,542 --> 00:10:29,836 I want you all to welcome Kyle and Bummers! 199 00:10:34,217 --> 00:10:36,802 Would you care to share your stories with us, boys? 200 00:10:39,430 --> 00:10:41,223 {\*Well, }I just found out I'm a sex addict. 201 00:10:41,348 --> 00:10:43,809 I'm so scared. I haven't even told my mom yet. 202 00:10:44,435 --> 00:10:46,228 Does your mom have big tits? 203 00:10:47,230 --> 00:10:48,105 Sorry. 204 00:10:48,273 --> 00:10:49,231 Me, I just... 205 00:10:49,356 --> 00:10:51,567 I just can't stop thinking about bush. 206 00:10:51,860 --> 00:10:53,110 I heard that. 207 00:10:53,278 --> 00:10:56,113 {\*I mean, }It's like... What is it? What does it mean? 208 00:10:56,238 --> 00:10:57,823 Why would there be a bush{\* right there}? 209 00:10:57,948 --> 00:10:59,741 Is it a live bush? Are there berries? 210 00:10:59,909 --> 00:11:02,078 Mr. Duchovny, please stop jerking off. 211 00:11:02,912 --> 00:11:03,913 Gee wiz. 212 00:11:04,873 --> 00:11:06,957 To better understand the sex addiction outbreak 213 00:11:07,792 --> 00:11:10,294 we have been running tests on chimpanzees. 214 00:11:10,462 --> 00:11:13,673 {\*You can see that }This entire community of specimens are getting along normally, 215 00:11:13,798 --> 00:11:15,590 some pairing off, others on their own. 216 00:11:15,841 --> 00:11:17,301 {\*Now, }See this chimp here. 217 00:11:17,469 --> 00:11:20,846 An average, normal adult male. Blending in seamlessly with the others. 218 00:11:21,430 --> 00:11:24,433 Now watch. We are going to give it a lot of money. 219 00:11:25,267 --> 00:11:26,310 Go ahead. 220 00:11:47,706 --> 00:11:48,707 My God! 221 00:12:07,685 --> 00:12:10,020 The subject is now isolated and shunned. 222 00:12:10,312 --> 00:12:12,732 Incredible. And what is it doing now? 223 00:12:12,857 --> 00:12:15,442 Making a public apology on its talk show. 224 00:12:19,531 --> 00:12:20,531 Alrighty!{\* Now,} 225 00:12:20,990 --> 00:12:23,367 We all know the destructive behavior 226 00:12:23,701 --> 00:12:26,453 that got us into this predicament, don't we? 227 00:12:26,829 --> 00:12:30,249 What is the main thing we've all learned to avoid? 228 00:12:30,374 --> 00:12:31,208 {\*Yes, }Tiger! 229 00:12:32,126 --> 00:12:34,253 Avoid drugs and alcohol? 230 00:12:36,506 --> 00:12:39,174 No, Tiger. You still aren't getting it. 231 00:12:39,925 --> 00:12:43,054 In order to make sure we are no longer destroying our lives 232 00:12:43,179 --> 00:12:46,098 with any of these behaviors, we must avoid... 233 00:12:46,223 --> 00:12:47,266 Anyone? 234 00:12:47,391 --> 00:12:49,185 Avoid getting... Anyone? 235 00:12:49,602 --> 00:12:50,477 Caught. 236 00:12:50,645 --> 00:12:52,354 Yes, Michael Douglas, everyone? 237 00:12:52,522 --> 00:12:53,772 Getting caught. 238 00:12:54,231 --> 00:12:56,192 Very good! You are all here in therapy 239 00:12:56,317 --> 00:12:57,735 because you got... 240 00:12:58,027 --> 00:12:58,819 caught! 241 00:12:59,486 --> 00:13:01,696 {\*So, }How to we avoid getting caught? Ben Roethlisberger. 242 00:13:03,282 --> 00:13:06,202 Don't screw girls in the public bathrooms? 243 00:13:06,661 --> 00:13:08,412 When they ask you for money, pay them. 244 00:13:08,580 --> 00:13:09,538 Good{\*, yes}. 245 00:13:09,706 --> 00:13:10,790 Hang on. 246 00:13:10,915 --> 00:13:13,250 We shouldn't be learning how to not get caught. 247 00:13:13,375 --> 00:13:15,961 We have to take responsibility for our actions. 248 00:13:19,548 --> 00:13:21,634 What the fuck are you talking about? 249 00:13:23,219 --> 00:13:25,262 We have to accept that we have a problem 250 00:13:25,387 --> 00:13:27,723 and put the blame completely on ourselves. 251 00:13:28,349 --> 00:13:30,684 {\*I mean, }Maybe this isn't really even a disease. 252 00:13:39,360 --> 00:13:40,361 {\*Yeah, }It's me. 253 00:13:40,694 --> 00:13:42,613 We've got a turd in the punch bowl. 254 00:13:43,572 --> 00:13:46,283 I repeat, we have a turd in the punch bowl. 255 00:13:48,953 --> 00:13:52,122 Mr. President, in every test the results were the same. 256 00:13:52,415 --> 00:13:54,416 The monkeys who were given cash always acted out 257 00:13:54,541 --> 00:13:56,836 their sexual addiction to dangerous levels. 258 00:13:56,961 --> 00:13:59,463 It appears that money has a direct effect 259 00:13:59,588 --> 00:14:01,632 on the viruses ability to develop. 260 00:14:02,299 --> 00:14:05,594 So we must keep our nation's youth away from money and success. 261 00:14:05,762 --> 00:14:06,762 No good{\* Mr. President}. 262 00:14:07,221 --> 00:14:10,558 Because we've learned that sex addicts will find ways to make money 263 00:14:10,683 --> 00:14:13,477 and become successful in order to feed their addiction. 264 00:14:13,811 --> 00:14:17,106 {\*You mean }Boys will start working towards being rich and successful 265 00:14:17,231 --> 00:14:19,941 just so they can one day have sex with lots of women? 266 00:14:21,026 --> 00:14:24,155 That's why we decided to look at the cash itself for clues. 267 00:14:24,280 --> 00:14:26,615 We tried to find something in hundred dollar bills 268 00:14:26,740 --> 00:14:29,118 that could explain why this is happening now. 269 00:14:29,243 --> 00:14:31,996 Then we looked at the backside and found this. 270 00:14:33,831 --> 00:14:35,249 Independence Hall, 271 00:14:35,625 --> 00:14:37,083 the birthplace of our country. 272 00:14:37,543 --> 00:14:40,004 We believe something is happening at Independence Hall 273 00:14:40,129 --> 00:14:42,256 that gives money its power over men. 274 00:14:42,506 --> 00:14:43,841 Independence Hall, 275 00:14:44,174 --> 00:14:45,592 Independence Day, 276 00:14:46,260 --> 00:14:47,093 aliens. 277 00:14:48,387 --> 00:14:49,388 Gentlemen, 278 00:14:49,680 --> 00:14:52,474 I might know what's causing the sex addiction outbreak. 279 00:14:52,725 --> 00:14:54,518 This is highly classified, 280 00:14:54,643 --> 00:14:57,271 but in 1947, a flying saucer was discovered 281 00:14:57,396 --> 00:14:59,064 in Roswell, New Mexico. 282 00:14:59,565 --> 00:15:02,776 Two deceased alien {\*bodies }were recovered and hidden from public knowledge. 283 00:15:02,901 --> 00:15:04,945 They carried a virus with them, 284 00:15:05,487 --> 00:15:09,116 {\*a virus }that{\* apparently} was only barely stopped from spreading all over the country. 285 00:15:09,951 --> 00:15:13,662 And you think these aliens could be back with a new virus, 286 00:15:13,787 --> 00:15:16,832 {\*one }originating from Independence Hall causing rich successful men 287 00:15:16,957 --> 00:15:18,833 to have sex with lots of women? 288 00:15:19,668 --> 00:15:22,588 It's the only explanation that makes any sense. 289 00:15:27,718 --> 00:15:29,720 {\pub}{\pos(192,240)}I want to say that I am deeply sorry 290 00:15:29,845 --> 00:15:32,556 {\pos(192,240)}for my irresponsible and selfish behavior. 291 00:15:33,140 --> 00:15:36,101 {\pos(192,240)}I know I have severely disappointed all of you. 292 00:15:36,226 --> 00:15:38,771 {\pos(192,240)}Some have speculated that my wife somehow hurt 293 00:15:38,896 --> 00:15:40,814 {\pos(192,240)}or attacked me on Thanksgiving night. 294 00:15:41,106 --> 00:15:44,234 {\pos(192,240)}It angers me that people would fabricate a story like that. 295 00:15:44,485 --> 00:15:46,612 {\pos(192,240)}She has shown nothing but grace and poise. 296 00:15:46,737 --> 00:15:48,072 {\pos(192,240)}You motherfucker! 297 00:15:49,866 --> 00:15:51,909 I should have never married you! 298 00:15:52,034 --> 00:15:53,827 - Stop it! - A porn star? 299 00:15:53,995 --> 00:15:55,954 You screwed a porn star? 300 00:15:56,330 --> 00:15:58,916 {\*Oh dude, }You found another girl's phone number on my cell phone? 301 00:15:59,041 --> 00:16:00,542 {\*Yeah, }Back in that water level. 302 00:16:02,461 --> 00:16:04,546 Is Kyle still at sex addiction therapy? 303 00:16:04,671 --> 00:16:06,172 That must be really intense. 304 00:16:11,428 --> 00:16:13,054 {\*Okay, so }What exactly are we doing now? 305 00:16:13,430 --> 00:16:17,309 We are on our way to help take care of your diseases once and for all! 306 00:16:17,602 --> 00:16:19,978 Good, 'cause I really can't take it anymore. 307 00:16:20,146 --> 00:16:23,231 Don't worry. As soon as it's dead, everything will make sense. 308 00:16:24,358 --> 00:16:25,942 As soon as what's dead? 309 00:16:26,110 --> 00:16:27,777 - Jesus! - He just doesn't get it! 310 00:16:27,945 --> 00:16:30,572 The infected alien that they just discovered is hiding out 311 00:16:30,697 --> 00:16:32,241 at Independence Hall! 312 00:16:44,002 --> 00:16:45,838 Entrance is clear, Mr. President! 313 00:16:47,798 --> 00:16:50,717 Mr. President, you aren't safe here, let us handle this. 314 00:16:51,009 --> 00:16:52,302 Right side clear! 315 00:16:52,470 --> 00:16:53,637 We must be careful. 316 00:16:53,762 --> 00:16:56,849 The alien could have cast some kind of spell of invisibility. 317 00:16:57,141 --> 00:16:59,685 Which would mean that the alien is also a wizard. 318 00:17:00,061 --> 00:17:01,478 {\*Yes!}It explains everything! 319 00:17:01,603 --> 00:17:05,149 A wizard alien would be able to cast a spell on our species. 320 00:17:05,274 --> 00:17:07,901 Causing all the men to become sex addicts. 321 00:17:08,069 --> 00:17:08,902 Enough! 322 00:17:09,027 --> 00:17:11,488 We've to find the wizard alien and break his spell! 323 00:17:11,656 --> 00:17:13,866 Okay, okay. All right, hang on guys. 324 00:17:14,324 --> 00:17:16,327 {\*I mean }Come on, this is getting a little ridiculous. 325 00:17:16,452 --> 00:17:17,578 Wizard alien? 326 00:17:17,703 --> 00:17:20,163 We all know what's going on here, don't we? 327 00:17:20,789 --> 00:17:23,792 Whenever a story breaks about some rich {\*famous }guy going around 328 00:17:23,917 --> 00:17:27,504 and having sex with tons of girls, we all {\*want to }act like we don't understand it. 329 00:17:27,629 --> 00:17:28,630 But we do. 330 00:17:28,881 --> 00:17:30,215 We're guys, you know? 331 00:17:30,340 --> 00:17:32,593 Our brains are wired to strive to be the alpha male, 332 00:17:32,718 --> 00:17:34,136 {\*and }get all the women that we can. 333 00:17:34,845 --> 00:17:36,138 {\*I mean, }Look where we are! 334 00:17:36,263 --> 00:17:39,058 Even Benjamin Franklin screwed everything that moved, 335 00:17:39,183 --> 00:17:40,350 because he could. 336 00:17:40,475 --> 00:17:43,645 We don't have to condone what these rich famous people do, 337 00:17:43,770 --> 00:17:46,231 but we can at least admit that given the same temptations 338 00:17:46,356 --> 00:17:49,234 and opportunities that somebody like Tiger Woods has, 339 00:17:49,359 --> 00:17:51,778 a lot of guys might do something similar. 340 00:17:56,158 --> 00:17:58,327 We have a turd in the punch bowl. 341 00:17:58,870 --> 00:18:00,120 Turd in the punch bowl. 342 00:18:00,495 --> 00:18:03,123 What are you doing? {\*Come on!}Where are you taking me? 343 00:18:03,624 --> 00:18:05,584 Ten city blocks have been shut down 344 00:18:05,709 --> 00:18:08,921 because an alien is believed to have taken refuge here, 345 00:18:09,046 --> 00:18:10,422 in Independence Hall. 346 00:18:10,590 --> 00:18:13,509 By all accounts the alien is also a wizard, 347 00:18:13,634 --> 00:18:15,886 who could very easily be the cause of the outbreak 348 00:18:16,011 --> 00:18:18,096 of sex addiction in our country! 349 00:18:23,143 --> 00:18:24,227 {\*Mr. President!}Here they are! 350 00:18:25,020 --> 00:18:26,730 This is the boy I told you about. 351 00:18:26,855 --> 00:18:29,232 - And his friend, Bummers. - Son, 352 00:18:29,400 --> 00:18:32,694 we were told that you think sex addition can be controlled, 353 00:18:32,819 --> 00:18:35,113 that it just takes restraint. Is that true? 354 00:18:36,073 --> 00:18:39,242 I just think I'd rather control it instead of blame it on anything. 355 00:18:40,118 --> 00:18:41,119 Amazing! 356 00:18:41,412 --> 00:18:43,872 {\*Then }The wizard alien's spell might not have any power over him! 357 00:18:43,997 --> 00:18:47,251 - He could draw the bastard out! - Quick! Give that boy a gun! 358 00:18:47,834 --> 00:18:49,878 - What? - You better take one too! 359 00:18:50,629 --> 00:18:52,339 {\*All right.}Everyone to the stairwell! 360 00:18:52,464 --> 00:18:55,175 - The bastard has gotta be upstairs! - What bastard? 361 00:18:55,509 --> 00:18:58,553 The alien wizard hiding out here! Come on, we've got to... 362 00:19:01,641 --> 00:19:03,057 What the hell was that? 363 00:19:03,225 --> 00:19:05,268 I got a bad feeling about this. 364 00:19:08,981 --> 00:19:11,441 - {\*Oh }My God, there it is! - It's the alien wizard! 365 00:19:11,734 --> 00:19:13,693 It's gonna get you boys! Shoot it! 366 00:19:17,823 --> 00:19:20,116 - Shoot it, boys! - You have to shoot it! 367 00:19:22,620 --> 00:19:23,912 {\*Shoot it }Again! It's still alive! 368 00:19:26,540 --> 00:19:27,791 You gotta reload! 369 00:19:30,795 --> 00:19:33,004 Keep firing, boys! Shoot it in the heart! 370 00:19:34,465 --> 00:19:37,342 - Keep shooting it! - Shoot him in his blabber mouth! 371 00:19:43,391 --> 00:19:45,309 My God, they've done it! 372 00:19:50,272 --> 00:19:52,649 {\*Look!}The sex addiction! It's leaving my body! 373 00:19:52,942 --> 00:19:54,693 I can feel it! I'm free! 374 00:19:55,110 --> 00:19:56,320 We are healed! 375 00:20:01,074 --> 00:20:02,075 We watched 376 00:20:02,326 --> 00:20:04,828 as sex addiction ran rampant through our country. 377 00:20:05,078 --> 00:20:06,705 It devastated families. 378 00:20:07,539 --> 00:20:11,084 But once again, our great country has risen up as one. 379 00:20:11,835 --> 00:20:13,795 The wizard alien is dead. 380 00:20:14,254 --> 00:20:16,131 Sex addiction is no more. 381 00:20:16,548 --> 00:20:18,675 And if a rich celebrity is caught again 382 00:20:18,800 --> 00:20:20,469 trying to screw lots of women, 383 00:20:20,594 --> 00:20:23,263 we'll now know it isn't because men are just like that, 384 00:20:23,388 --> 00:20:26,516 it's because a wizard alien has cast his mighty spell. 385 00:20:30,563 --> 00:20:32,981 I'm so glad it's over, Sharon, aren't you? 386 00:20:33,815 --> 00:20:36,734 We are now with the young boys who helped stop the alien. 387 00:20:37,319 --> 00:20:39,905 {\*Boys, }How does it feel to be free of your illness? 388 00:20:40,947 --> 00:20:42,949 I guess it feels great. 389 00:20:43,241 --> 00:20:44,242 Thanks. 390 00:20:44,743 --> 00:20:47,829 Yeah, it feels great! I never wanna see bush again! 391 00:20:48,372 --> 00:20:50,582 I finally paid a lady to show me hers. 392 00:20:50,707 --> 00:20:52,709 You wanna know what's under that bush? 393 00:20:52,834 --> 00:20:55,754 Nothin' but a pair of sick joker lips! 394 00:20:56,505 --> 00:20:58,757 {\pos(192,240)}I am so happy that I am cured, 395 00:20:58,882 --> 00:21:01,969 {\pos(192,240)}and no longer have any desire to have sex with anyone, 396 00:21:02,094 --> 00:21:03,386 {\pos(192,240)}but my beautiful wife. 397 00:21:03,845 --> 00:21:05,514 {\pos(192,240)}Now I can be faithful, 398 00:21:05,639 --> 00:21:08,475 {\pos(192,240)}and my wife won't feel any need to get revenge 399 00:21:08,600 --> 00:21:10,560 {\pos(192,240)}by sleeping with a bunch of guys. 400 00:21:14,773 --> 00:21:17,776 {\pos(192,240)}So I officially announce my return to golf! 401 00:21:30,497 --> 00:21:32,958 What the hell? This game's all boring now. 402 00:21:33,083 --> 00:21:34,543 {\*Yeah, }Where's all the fighting? 403 00:21:35,752 --> 00:21:38,380 {\*Dude, }Screw this. Who wants to hit a dumb little ball around? 404 00:21:38,797 --> 00:21:40,257 Golf is stupid again.