M'kay, kids, can I have it quiet, please? M'kay?
M'kay, quiet now, the assembly's about to start, m'kay.
M'kay, quiet ple-m k-m'kay?
M'kay. Uh, now kids, we have a really fun motivational group today
...who are gonna talk to you about the dangers of smoking, hm'kay?
So please give a very big South Park Cows welcome to,
"Butt Out!"
Butt out! Yeah yeah! Kids, that cigarette butt is gross!
Butt out! Uh huh! Smokin's got to go!
Oh no...
Yeah! All right! Woohoo!!
Hey students, how are we all feelin' today? Woooo!
Hey, did you guys know that each year over six hundred thousand people a year die from smoking? A year!
Six hundred thousand?? Are you sure you're not just blowing smoke?
Blow smoke? Us? No way!
Because we don't need to smoke and neither do you, right kids? Butt out! Break it down!
Butt out! Yeah yeah! It's cool to say no!
Butt out! Uh huh! Smokin's got to go!
Smoking, no. No smoking.
Freestyle!
Vernon!
Don't smoke! Don't ever smoke!
Kyle!
B to the U to the T to the T to the O to the U to the T to the...
-Dude, this is unbearable. -I'm going to kill myself
Randy!
Smoke you know has got to go. You go, you got to know to say the "no" to the smoke, you go go.. ... you gotta get it!
Pam!
Don't smoke.
You guys, Kenny's eating his own hands.
Hey! What's the big deal? I like smoking, and it makes me cool!
Ohoh, really?? Do you think lung cancer is cool, too??
What about emphysema?? Is that cool??
And what about abortion, and AIDS?
Pfft! That's none's the cool.
Word.
Yeah. So butt out!
Butt out! Yeah yeah! Give that cigarette butt a throw!
Huh, Jesus Christ!
Butt out! Uh huh! Smokin's got to go!
Remember, kids, if you smoke, you could grow up to be a failure.
Worse yet, you could grow up to be dead.
So don't believe what those evil tobacco companies tell you!
Yeah, because if you don't smoke, you can grow up to be-
Just Like Us.
Give me a hit. Give me another one, give me another one.
Aw dude, this is really hard.
Oh shit, here comes Mr. Mackey.
Throw 'em away!
Dudes, here he comes. Guys, stop coughing.
Boys, what are you doing back here?
I asked you a question: What are you doing back here, 'k?!
Nothing.
What??
Nothin' Na- Due-nothing.
D'awww sick!
Gross dude!
Well hey, if I didn't know any better, I'd think you boys have been smoking!
No... No, Mr. Mackey... We don't have any cigarettes.
Well you'd better not! Because let me tell you some'n' about smokin'!
Uh, smokin's bad, m'kay.
And uh, if you start smokin' at an early age, m'kay, ih it's gonna be bad.
M'kay, because uh, smoking can lead to all kinds of health problems like cancer.
M'kay, and let me tell you something about cancer, m'kay. Cancer's bad.
M'kay, and uh, eh, what? What the?
Holy shit! M'kay?!
Oh! Jethuth Chritht!
...Woops.
Well, you boys have certainly done it this time!
We're sorry.
Not as sorry as you're going to be when your parents get here! Ah, here they come now.
Oh God...
Come on in.
Stanley, what did you do this time?!
You'd better brace yourself, parents. The boys were caught... smoking!
Smoking?
No, it can't be! My son is not a filthy smoker!
Mom... Dad, it was just a-
I don't have a son!
Eric, you've done a lot of horrible things in your life, but smoking? You're grounded for three weeks!
Three weeks?! Are you fucking kidding me?
Haven't you boys heard anything about how harmful smoking is to you and those around you?
Of course they haven't, because the tobacco companies have gotten to them first.
This is really their fault.
Yeah. This is really their fault.
No matter how much money the anti-smoking groups spend,
...the tobacco companies are there to fill our childrens' heads with lies and propaganda that make them wanna smoke.
Yeah, huh? Ih, it's like the tobacco companies have control of my mind-
No. Must. Fight it. Tobacco companies... making me want to smoke. Ah!
Oh my goodness, I had no idea. Are you okay, sweetie?
Well, those God-damned tobacco companies aren't gonna have control over MY kid!
I say we bring them down!
We need the help of the greatest anti-smoking celebrity that ever lived.
Rob Reiner.
Who's Rob Reiner?
I don't understand it. I pushed a law for higher taxes on cigarettes,
I lobbied to get images of cigarettes removed from movies and art,
I forced smokers out of bars and parks,
...but still I get letters from parents saying their kids are doin' it.
Apparently, people still don't understand hwo bad smoking people is for them.
Don't they know how dangerous it is to their health?
Don't they know the hazard of second-hand smoke?
According to the letter, sir, the town has a tobacco company quite near them.
Yeah, that must be it.
The tobacco companies, with their millions of dollars and their slick desks and fancy buildings,
they're the ones making music wanna smoke!
They're the ones hurting our nation's health!
I will not stand by and see the children of America corrupted by those bastards!
This is war!!
You guys, maybe we should come clean right now and tell everyone that it wasn't the tobacco companies that made us want to smoke.
Hwat??
Why? It's perfect. If everyone's blaming the tobacco companies, then nobody's blaming us.
Yeah, what's the problem?
Well it's just that, eh, this seems like another one of those times when things are gonna get way out of hands, you know?
It's been happening a lot lately. How about this time we just put a stop to it right now?
Dumbass, you don't wanna be grounded for three weeks, do you?
Yeah, don't worry dude. Things aren't gonna get out of hand.
Here he comes!
Damnit.
Butter! Butter!
What'd he say?
Butter!!
Hello South Park!!
It is so nice to see an entire town come together to fight for good health!
And I'm gonna help ya!
These poor innocent children have been seduced into smoking tobacco.
So I say, "We fight fire with fire!"
We're gonna use these children to bring the tobacco companies down!
Oh no...
All right kids, here's what we're gonna do.
We're gonna sneak you into the tobacco company by saying you kids want a tour for a school paper.
Once you're nside, mm, mm, I'm gonna take photos
...and then we'll publish them, saying that the tobacco company invited you over
...to seduce you into smoking. Got it?
Got it!
But... isn't that, kind of, lying?
Mm. Uh, we're just leveling out the playing field.
The tobacco companies lie to you about the dangers of smoking.
If we're gonna take them down, we've gotta lie right back!
Oh my God!
Excuse me!
Yes?
Would you mind putting that death stick out?!
But, uh, this is a bar.
Isn't smoking illegal in bars here?
Not in Colorado
Oh my God! What kind of backward hick state is this?!
Look man, I work fourteen hours a day at the saw mill. I just got off work and I need to relax.
Well when I relax I just go to my vacation house in Hawaii!
I ain't got a vacation house in Hawaii!
Yuh your vacation house in Mexico, then, whatever it is!
Look, you are putting my life and these boys' lives in danger by smoking that in here!
And I'm not gonna tolerate it! I will end smoking in bars in Colorado!
There will be no more smoking here!
Isn't he awesome, you guys?
What??
Dude, he just goes around imposing his will on people. He's my idol.
All right boys, just do what I tell ya and we'll be able to sue this tobacco company for two billion dollars!
As soon as we get into the mani facility, I'll snap the photo of you kids,
...and we can all run out! Think you can handle it?
Handle it?
For two billion dollars I'd handle my grandpa's balls, sir.
Heh, great. Okay, now watch yourselves, kids.
These tobacco company people will do anything to get you hooked on smoking.
They are liars and they are frauds!
Can I help you?
Yes. My name is Rita Poon. I called about my boys wanting a tour.
Ah, yes, Mrs. Poon. My name's Kevin Harris and I'm the vice president of Big Tobacco.
Oh. Hello, Mr. Harris.
Well, come on in.
How about a little history first?
Native Americans were the first to cultivate the tobacco plant.
They smoked it in pipes for medicinal and ceremonial purposes.
Not if I were around, they wouldn't have.
Escuse me?
Oh, nothing! Please continue.
The first successful commercial crop of tobacco was cultivated in Virginia in 1612.
Within seven years it was one of the country's largest exports.
So, tobacco helped to build America.
That's right.
Over the next few centuries the tobacco business was so great that many slaves were brought from Africa to help work the fields.
Which means, if it weren't for tobacco, many of our black friends wouldn't be here today.
And so for centuries, tobacco production flourished.
Nobody was even aware of any dangers back then, until, in 1965,
...when Congress passed an act forcing all tobacco companies to put the Surgeon General's warning on their packages.
So now, everyone knows the dangers of smoking.
And some people still choose to do it, and we believe that's what being an American is all about.
That sound perfectly reasonable.
And here's our factory at work.
With a hidey lidey lidey and a hidey lidey lay
We work and we make cigarettes all hidey lidey day
So folks can get a breaky from their stressful lidey lives
And relaxy with the cigarettes we make all day and night
I like to have a cigarehette every now and then
It makes me fee-l calmer when the day is at an end.
And if it gives me cancer when I'm eighty I don't care
Who the hell wants to be ninety anyway?
So with a hidey lidey lidey and a hidey lidey lay
We work and we make cigarettes all hidey lidey day
So folks can get a breaky from their stressful lidey lives
And relaxy with the cigarettes we make all day and night
Well, I guess that's the end of our tour.
Oh, here boys. Let me get your picture.
Got it! Ha! You bastards are going down now!
What??
I'm not Rita Poon! I'm Rob Reiner! And you've just been Reinered!
Come on boys, let's make our escape!
Don't you try and stop us!
Oh my God!
Hoh boy, that was great, kids.
Those people at the tobacco company all seem really nice.
Hah, you see that? They got into your head.
Now you kids can meet some good, decent people, the folks who work to get smoking banned!
This is how we get rid of smokers. We go state to state and do things like, use bogus studies and make extensive commercials to get the public on our side and force cigarette smokers to stop!
It's like, it's like, smoking brings a lot of people just a little bit of joy and, and you get to take that away from them.
You are so awesome.
Here you go Bob. This is Mr. Baffrey.
He does all our Photoshop work.
Now, all we have to do is Photoshop cigarettes into your hands!
And bingo! When this hits the papers the tobacco company is screwed!
But dude, you're making stuff up.
You kids need to understand something, okay?
Sometimes lying is okay. Like, when you know what's good for people more than they do.
Oh my God, that is what I've always said. I love this guy!
Mr. Reiner, your bill to have smoking outlawed at bars here didn't pass.
What?! God-damnit, what the hell is wrong with people in this state?!
Apparently, several people here still believe there's no proof second-hand smoke can kill you.
Well they want proof?! All right, we'll give them proof!
Boys, I need one of you to act in a commercial for us! We'll shoot it tomorrow!
Wow, a commercial?
And you boys decide which one of you will be best for the part.
All right people, we've gotta get moving on the bill to ban smoking in Potsdam! Let's go!
God, he's just the best!
Mr. Reiner, can I get you a muffin? O-or a cold drink, perhaps?
Guys, I think we shold bail out of this right now!
Huh?
This is just startin' to look like another one of those times where it, it's gonna end up with the whole town turning out,
it's a big showdown happening, and us havin' to talk about what we learned,
...and I say we just stop right now, and go play cards or something.
(Well yep, that's what I think.)
Yeah, maybe you're right.
So, heh gentlemen, looks like only one of us gets to be in the commercial, huh?
Who will it be...? Gentlemen, the game is on!
Go ahead. We don't wanna be in their stupid commercial.
Huh? Oh, I get it, Kyle.
That's your Serbian Jew double bluff.
Make me think you don't care about being in the commercial so that maybe I won't either.
Ooops. didn't work, did it, Kyle?
No, we really want nothing more to do with these people.
"Sure you don't, Kyle. Oh, and neither do I.
Oh, I know what you're gonna say next. You're gonna say,
"How about none of us show up tomorrow to do it?"
And then I'm supposed to agree so that tomorrow you can waltz in all by yourself and do the commercial.
That's Serbian Jew double bluff and it ain't gonna work on me ha ha ha.
Only one of us can be in the commecial, gentlemen. The game... is on.
Sorry Kyle, but I'm afraid only one of us will be showing up to do the comemrcial tomorrow!
Thought you had me with your Serbian Jew double bluff, didn't you?!
Well let's see you try to open this door now.
What are you doing?
Oh... Hello, Kyle.
Oh man. Wait, this isn't my house.
Cartman, you go ahead and do the commercial tomorrow.
But I'm warning you, those anti-smoking people are liars and they're bullies who will stop at nothing to get what they want,
...and that means they're dangerous.
Nice try, Kyle! Let's see you try to get through the door now!
Okay Eric, this is going to be real simple.
All you gotta do is read the words on the TelePrompTer here.
Heh, ho-okay.
Let's see how the tobacco companies deal with this.
All right, roll camera. Roll the TelePrompTer. And whenever you're ready, Eric.
Heh, okay, okay.
You know, some people say there's no proof that second-hand smoke kills.
The tobacco companies say there's no proof that second-hand smoke kills.
I've just been diagnosed with terminal lung cancer.
I guess... I'm the proof.
The next time you want to believe that second-hand smoke doesn't kill, think about me.
Because, by the time you see this commercial, I'll be... dead.
Dead??
And cut! Great! We got it!
Wrap it up, people. That was fantastic.
Uh what... what does that mean, "I'll be dead"?
Hey, uh what, what was that "dead" part?"
That was very good, Eric. Here, eat this cupcake.
Uh, nnno, thanks. I'm not hungry.
But you are. Just eat this one cupcake. It has... sprinkles.
I'm not eating the cupcake.
Eric, do you know what a hero is?
A hero is somebody who sacrifices himself for the good of others.
You can be a hero, Eric. All you have to do...
...is eat the cupcake.
Jesus Christ!
What are you doing, Cartman?
They're going to kill me!
Who's going to kill you?
The anti-smoking people!
They had me say I died from second-hand smoke and...
...now they want to sacrifice me to make it look real! They'll stop at nothing!!
Well, get away from us then.
Yeah dude, don't get us killed too.
You guys have to help me!
No dude, get away!
Please, you guys, I don't know what to do!
Stop it, Cartman! Go die on your own!
If I go, you guys go!
Daaaad!
What?
Anti-smoking people are trying to kill Cartman and he won't stay away from us.
Don't be ridiculous, boys. The anti-smoking people are kind, caring, and intelligent.
Your heads have just been corrupted by the lies of the big tobacco companies.
Hey, maybe that's it, you guys. Maybe the tobacco company can help us!
Help you, fatass! We weren't in the commercial, remember?
Yeah! Go to the tobacco company yourself!
Well that's fine. I thought you guys were my friends, but I guess I was wrong!
Yeah dude. You were totally wrong.
(Uh huh.)
You guys, I am seriously gettin' pissed off now! Now come on, we're goin' to the tobacco company.
Oh all right.
No! What we really should do is go to our parents right now and take responsibility for smoking ourselves.
Even if it means getting grounded.
Why?
Because, if we go to the tobacco company, I know exactly what'll happen.
They'll take us in, and then Rob Reiner will show up with all the townspeople, holding torches or something,
...and there'll be a big showdown until we talk about what we learned,
...and change everyone's minds - this is all following a formula!
So it's either deal with all that, or be grounded for three weeks.
God-damnit!
Give us the child!
We will not!
There, you see that?! The tobacco company won't give us the kid!
And do you know why?! Because they know that if they give us that kid,
...then we'll kill him! And when our commercial goes on the air, it will lose them business!
Yeah! Yeah, that's right!
Wait a minute, what?
Yeah. When we kill the kid, people are gonna think it's because of second-hand smoke!
And then these bastards are all gonna make money, and they know it!
Wha- what the hell is wrong with you? That's not right.
Oh, God-damnit, do I have to explain this again?!
Smoking is bad, people! So if we have to be a little extreme to stop it, it's okay!
No it isn't, you fat turd! Because, I've learned something today.
You just hate- See, I knew it.
Yup.
You just hate smoking, so you use all your money and power to force others to think like you.
And that's called fascism, you tubby asshole!
GOD-DAMNIT THERE'LL BE NO MORE SMOKING!!
It wasn't the tobacco companies' fault that we smoked. It was our fault, us!
We should all take personal responsibility instead of letting fat fascists like him tell us what to do!
You're right, boys, m'kay?
Yeah. Let smokers smoke.
Yeah!!
Hey Mr. Reiner, why don't you Butt Out!
I'm warning you: don't mess with anti-smoking groups!
I don't idolize you anymore, asshole!
My goo! My precious goo!
So Kyle, it wasn't the tobacco company that made you wanna smoke?
No.
Well then, you are grounded, mister!
You too, Eric.