Dude, you were right cartman! Your uncle Roy has a sweet boat!
Yeah, isn't this fun? Just you and me hanging out, Stan.
No stupid Kyle around.
Man, I wish I could really drive this thing.
You know how?
Sure I do.
Well here... Roy keeps the keys in the glove box.
Dude, I don't think your uncle would want us driving it.
Nobody's gonna know, we'll just drive it around the marina real quick.
Look, if anything happens I'll take full responsibility.
Okay, turn on the ignition...
Awesome
We are not moving.
Maybe you have the parking brake on.
Boats don't have parking brakes, dumbass. They only have... oh wait, wait, neutral button!
Ahhhh!!
Other way, other way!
Ahhh!!
Jesus Christ!
Stan, beaver dam! Very large beaver dam, Stan!
Oh dude.. oh Jesus..
Dude, Stan, you are in serious trouble.
You said you'd take responsibility to your uncle Roy.
I don't even have an uncle Roy! That was just some guy's boat I knew about.
What ?
Look, it's okay. We weren't here. This didn't happen.
Okay? We were both at my house, all afternoon, playing tea party. Okay? Now come on, we gotta bail!
Oh God, I hope I didn't hurt any beavers.
Dude come on, we gotta get out of here!
With an eye on America and on today's events, it's South Park: Evening News, with Tom Pusslicker.
Crisis and fear tonight, as what appears to be a massive flood has overtaken the town of Beaverton,
Colorado, home of the world's largest beaver dam.
Earlier today a break in the beaver dam, which protected the town, broke open,
trapping people in their houses and destroying their lives.
Oh my gosh, those poor people!
Tom, I'm currently 10 miles outside of Beaverton, unable to get inside the town proper.
We do not have any reports of fatalities yet, but we believe that the death toll may be in the hundreds of millions.
Beaverton has only a population of about eight thousand, Tom, so this would be quite devastating.
Any word on how the survivors in the town are doing, Mitch?
We-we're not sure what exactly is going inside the town of Beaverton, Tom,
but we're reporting that there's looting, raping, and yes, even acts of canibalism.
My God, you've actually seen people looting, raping and eating each other?
No, no we haven't actually seen it, Tom, we're just reporting it.
Y'all done with your fish sticks, Stan?
I'll help you Sharon. Boy, that's just awful.
In the nearby town of South Park, the cause of the Beaverton flood is being investigated.
That's right, we know whose fault this is.
Oh oh...
It's George Bush's fault!
Yeah! George Bush doesn't care about beavers!
George Bush didn't break that beaver dam! It was terrorists and Al-Qaeda!
They've been secretly building beaver dam WMD's for years now!
Yeah, yeah! WMD's WMD's!
Mom, dad... they-they're gonna go help those people, right?
I don't know. You know, to me it seems like the mayor of Beaverton should have done something that dam years ago.
Don't blame the mayor, Sharon. What about FEMA? I think this whole thing is really their fault.
Yeah, bu-but, s-somebody's gonna help the people off their rooftops, right?
That's not important right now, son. What's important is figuring out whose fault this is.
Dude, dude! Did you see the news last night?
Yeah.
You saw all those people trapped on their roofs?
Yeah, that was pretty funny.
Pretty funny?! Dude we did that!! That was our fault.
Hey hey, no way. We aren't the ones who built a town beneath a giant beaver dam, okay? That's their fault!
But they're trapped now and nobody's helping them.
Well they should'a gotten out of there.
Mabye they couldn't get out.
We did.
Dude, I-I just.. I-I don't know what to do here.
Ah ah! I know what you're thinking, Stan. You're thinking you're gonna tell Kyle.
Look, I know you think he's your best friend, but Kyle is a Jew rat.
He has his Jew ethics, while he whores his greedy Jew gold, and he will Jew you out if you tell him about this!
Hey dudes. Sorry I couldn't make it yesterday. What did you guys do?
Nothing.
Heh, totally.
Hey everybody! They just found out what caused the flood in Beaverton!
Aww, crap!
Quiet, children, quiet. We need to hear.
At first, nobody knew what caused the dam to break.
But now, shocking new evidence has indicated that the flood in Beaverton was caused by... Global warming!
Ohh!
It now appears that.. all rumors of global warming were true.
We were warned this would happen, and.. we didn't listen. We didn't listen!
All the top Colorado geologists have gathered at the governor's office for an emergency meeting.
Ladies and gentlemen, if global warming has in fact already caused the Beaverton flood,
then this is only the beginning.
The effects are going to spread. What we are looking at is a global warming catastrophe, the likes of which we've never seen.
Excuse me, sir, but when? When is this going to happen?
My colleagues in the scientific community are still running tests, but - we believe it may happen the day after tomorrow.
Excuse me! I'm sure we're all very impressed with your wild theories, Dr. Marsh,
but the fact is no statistical proof has ever been confirmed that global warming exists.
Are you suggesting we shut down the economy?
ith all due respect, Cliche Descending Republican, the economy isn't going to matter the day after tomorrow.
Listen! Listen! We finished running the tests.
Global warming is going to strike two days before the day after tomorrow.
Oh my God. That's today!
We didn't listen!
Stan, get in the car! We have to evacuate!
We didn't listen!
Come on, come on!
It's useless, this traffic isn't moving.
Dad, isn't it possible the flood wasn't caused by global warming? I mean, the water was held back by a giant beaver dam after all.
No Stan, I'm afraid us adults just let you children down. We didn't take care of our Earth, and now you've inherited our problems.
We didn't listen!
We did listen! Come on, everyone grab what you can, we have to walk.
Oh Jesus, here it comes!
Global warming!!
It's coming! Here comes global warming! We didn't listen!!
Come on, hurry!
It's right behind us!
It's coming the other way!
Go back, go back!
Everyone into the community center! Hurry, go!
Get inside, we have to close these doors!
Come on, we've got to board up that last window. Seal up all the doorways.
We must try to protect ourselves from the global warming.
Mr. Garrison, are you alright?
I'm in pretty bad shape. My leg is broken, and my left boob is leaking.
Here you go, sweetheart.
Mom, you know, those people in Beaverton are still trapped in the flood.
I know, but, I'm afraid it's too late for them, sweetie. We have to try and save ourselves now.
Shh, shh, we've got the television working.
This is a Fox news update: Global warming disaster!
Global warming seems to have struck, as predicted, in the Colorado Rockies.
All around the country panic and chaos are settling in.
Tom, I'm standing just outside of Chicago where the panic of global warming has already caused countless deaths.
Already we're reporting that the death toll here in Chicago is over six hundred billion people.
Oh God.
This is all your fault, Jimbo!
Me?
Yeah! You drive that damn SUV around. You didn't even think about global warming, did ya?!
Can you believe it Stan? I never thought global warming could happen so fast. I guess... I didn't listen.
Kyle, it.. it isn't global warming.
Huh?
Global warming isn't happening right now. It's not what caused the Beaverton flood.
How do you know that?
Because.. I know what did cause the flood.
George Bush?
No.
- Terrorists? - No.
- Communists? - No.
- Chinese radicals? - No.
Cartman?
Sort of.
Cartman flooded Beaverton?!
Shhh. N-Not exactly. We were messing around on this guy's new boat,
and Cartman egged me on, and I crashed it into the Beaverton dam.
Dude you have to tell everyone, right now!
Hey Stan.
Oh god damnit, you told Kyle didn't you?
Stan, people in Beaverton are still trapped on their roofs. Nobody's helping them because they think they can't go outside.
Ah, here we go. See, I told you. If you're so caring, Kyle,
why don't you share some of your Jew gold with the people caught in the flood?
Look, maybe.. maybe we can help those people in Beaverton ourselves?
How?
Why?
We can sneak out of here, get a boat and go help them off their roofs. That way, I can do the right thing, but still lie about it.
Listen, listen everyone. Nobody can leave this building.
But.. we need supplies - food, silicone.
You go outside and you'll die.
By now the global warming has shifted the climate, bringing on a new ice age.
Within thehour the temperature outside will fall to over seventy million degress below zero.
Jezus.
All we can do is try to wait it out, as long as we can.
And the rest of the country?
Everyone below this line will have to be evacuated to the south.
Everyone above this line is already dead.
People like us, in the middle states, have to ride it out.
The south western states might have a chance, but New York will have tidal waves that will envelope all of the north east.
What, Frank?
Oh, oh God damn it!
Hello? Anybody? We'd like to be rescued, please. Any day now.
Why haven't they come for us?
I-I don't know.
Wait, look! Here comes a boat!
Really? Oh it's about time!
Oh Kevin, we're saved!
It looks like.. three little boys.
Hey we'll take it! Over here, yes! Thank you, thank you!
Oh thanks, thanks. That's a lot better.
We can't get out! The flames are too big.
Oh, great. You see Stan, this is what you get for listening to Kyle.
"Oh, you gotta help those people, it's your responsibility."
Stan, it's over. You have to admit what you did so your parents can help us.
Stan? Stan?
Randy, we've looked everywhere. Kyle's missing too.
Oh my God! Where would they go?
Randy, Randy. Your son's on the phone.
Stan?
Ah, hey dad.
Stan, you're alive!
Dad, we-we're trapped in Beaverton, we were trying to save everyone.
Stan, listen to me. You must stay indoors. Do not try to go out. Global warming has brought in a new ice age
No dad, listen. I need to tell you something.
What is it, son?
Nothing. Can you just come get us please?
You just stay put son. I'm coming for you. Do you hear me? I'm coming for you!
Randy, where are you going?
I'm going to Beaverton.
You can't go out there, you'll freeze to death.
My son is counting on me.
I'm going with you.
You can't go out there, you'll freeze to death.
You can't do this alone!
Let me go, too.
You can't go out there, you'll freeze to death.
Alright come on both of you. We've got to pull together every warm piece of clothing we can find.
Steven! Steven you have to keep moving!
I can't go on... feel so hot...
Feeling warm is a symptom of the last stages of hypothermia.
Oh Jesus, I feel warm too!
Yeah me too. Steven, we've gotta keep moving. We're in deep hypothermia, all of us. We've gotta keep the blood flowing.
Maybe we should strip our jackets off.. and warm our bodies next to each other?
Don't be a fag! Come on, we can make it. We have to try!
Come on people, we're running out of time. We need all army helicopters to the southern states for evacuation now!
Sir, more people in Beaverton are calling. They say they're trapped in floods and fire now.
Tell them that the government can't help. But that we're very sorry.
You know the plan people, we can only evacuate citizens below this line.
Ex-excuse me, General?
What?!
We've just compiled some new information. The flood in Beaverton wasn't caused by global warming after all.
What?
We know the truth now. We know what caused it.
Oh, my God. Rick, radio the helicopters!
Help! Help!
Dude, this whole building is going to collapse.
We have to find a way out.
Don't worry everyone, the government is here to save you.
Oh well, thank you so much. What a swift and speedy resuce.
It's helicopters! They finally came to help everyone.
Not so fast, Kyle.
What are you doing?
Hand over the gold.
What gold?!
You know what I'm talking about.
No Cartman, I have no idea what you're talking about.
All Jews carry gold in a little bag around their necks. Hand it over!
Guys come on!
Jews do not carry gold in a little bag around their necks, Cartman. Stop playing around.
I'm not playing around, Kyle. If we survive this I don't intend to live in poverty. Give me your Jew gold now!
Dude we don't have time for your stupid jokes, we're gonna die!
Yes, but you can live if you give me your Jew gold. The decision is yours Kyle.
God damn it, you know I don't carry gold in a little bag around my neck Cartman! What do you want from me?
I want your Jew gold.
Okay fine, here! Now let's go.
Do you think I'm stupid?
I know that all Jews carry fake bags of gold around their necks to keep their real bags of gold safe.
Hand over the real Jew gold, Kyle.
No, noo!!
Hey, wait up you assholes! God..
Hey look everybody, helicopters!
They've got the boys!
Global warming must be over.
We made it!
Stanley!
Kyle!
Stan? We found Stan!
So does this mean the storm has passed? Global warming is over?
Global warming didn't cause the Beaverton flood. We know now whose fault it is. It was... crab people!
Crab people.. crab people..
Stop it, stop it! First it was terrorists, then George Bush and global warming
and now you're all blaming crab people for something that's very simple.
It's my fault. I broke the dam.
Oh, man...
Stanley? You?
No. Don't you see what this child is saying?
We can't spend all our energy placing blame when somehting bad happens.
He's saying - we all broke the dam.
No, I broke the dam.
I broke the dam.
No, I broke the dam.
And I broke the dam.
I broke the dam.
Heh heh, I broke the dam, heh.
I broke the dam.
I ran a boat into the dam and I broke it.
I broke the dam.
No, I broke the f***ing dam!
I broke the dam.
I literally broke the dam!
I broke the dam.
On a boat. That wasn't mine!
I broke the dam.
I kept it secret for two days!
I broke the dam.
The boat caught on fire! And it exploded!
I broke the dam.
Oh, f*** it!
Transcript : Schenavi Synced by : aneurysm