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SouthParkNews.net
La Fabrique
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{\pub}Saigon is a hell of a place.
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I've seen a lot of death,
a lot of suffering.
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Darkness that most people
couldn't stand to see.
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I tried to sit it out
as much as I could.
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What's the matter, Conner?
Don't like a little blood?
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I don't like a little blood.
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Blood ain't the stuff
for 18-year-old boys from Sheboygan.
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Blood ain't the stuff
for Mitch Conner.
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Incoming!
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Conner, Mitchell.
You're discharged{\*, son}.
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And that's that.
Pack your bags, you're headed home.
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Hugs and kisses from Uncle Sam.
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So how do I end up here,
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with a 9-year-old kid
who {\*just }wants to know who his father is?
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Life is funny{\* like that}.
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One day you're sifting
through the guts of some gook{\* in Vietnam}
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and the next you're playing Dr. Phil
with some kid and his teacher.
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I'm really sorry
that you were put through all this.
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Sorry is a four letter-word
with a Y on the end.
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That doesn't mean anything
to this poor kid.
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That's right.
Tell me the truth, now!
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All I can tell you{\*, Eric,}
is {\*that }we were {\*all }told to stick to the story,
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to protect someone very important.
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I can't say more.
I won't!
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But...
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I'll tell you who has the answer.
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Look, gingers.
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You said you wanted Muhammad.
We got him for you.
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{\*We have no way of knowing if Muhammad is}We can't know if he's really in there.
It could be a trick!
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{\*It's no trick, dude! My friend and I}We went to the Super Best Friends
and brought him here.
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{\*Then }Have him step out of the {\*bear }costume!
You have until the count of ten.
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Don't do it{\*, Randy}.
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If Muhammad is seen,
we could get bombed!
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Idiot! If he isn't seen,
we're about to definitely get bombed!
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All right, stop!
We'll do what you say.
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I'm sorry{\*, Muhammad}.
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Will you please
step out of the bear costume?
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So, see?
Muhammad.
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That isn't Muhammad,
that's Santa Claus.
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- Sorry{\*, boys}, I tried.
- Crap.
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{\*Boys, }You got Santa to be Muhammad?
When?
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When you {\*all }said you were gonna hand
Muhammad over to Tom Cruise.
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We promised Jesus that Muhammad
would stay safely in the U-Haul!
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I'm sorry{\*, Kyle}.
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I really thought
my idea would work for you.
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If we were gonna have
someone in a bear costume,
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why would we actually have it be
Muhammad, you fucking idiot?
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So where is he?
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Meanwhile,
at the hall of the Super Best Friends...
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Will you lay off that stuff already?
It's getting to be a problem.
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And you're one to talk.
With all your Internet porn.
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Watching porn
isn't like doing coke, fag!
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Jesus Christ!
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- What?
- We've got a distress signal coming in.
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On the Super Best Screen!
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Super Best Friends,
you've got to help us!
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The Casa Bonita is under attack!
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Great Scott!
It's Barbra Streisand!
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I thought Barbra Streisand
had been destroyed by Robert Smith.
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- Who would have activated her again?
- I don't know, Semen.
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It's Seaman!
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The Casa Bonita is gone!
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Jesus, help us!
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That's where those boys
took Muhammad.
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We have to stop her!
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On the Super Best Friends
power cycles!
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There, there,
my little mouse friend.
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Soon you will have more asses
than you ever dreamed of.
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You brought me my Fonseca.
That's a good boy.
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What's this?
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Someone is at the door{\*, Kevin}.
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We've tried to be left alone{\*, Kevin}.
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Who would disturb us at this hour?
We must be careful.
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Why, it's an African American man{\*, Kevin}.
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Yes?
What do you want?
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Sorry to bother ya, but there's been
an accident down the street{\*, man}!
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Can I use your {\*tele}phone?
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I'm terribly sorry,
but I don't let strangers in.
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I understand, {\*man, }but this is real bad.
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My lady's legs
is all busted up and shit.
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She's all crawling around on the road
lookin' like a crippled crab{\*, man}.
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I just need an ambulance{\*, dawg}.
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There's a gas station {\*about half a mile }down the road.
They have a phone there.
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I see.
I guess I understand.
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You {\*just }don't want {\*to let }a black man
in your house.
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{\*No, }Please, it isn't that at all!
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I gets it{\*, man}.
Thought things had changed though.
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Thought {\*when we got}with a black president,
things would be different.
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We gots a black president, but whitey
still don't trust me use his {\*motherfucking }phone.
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{\*Wait, I'm }Sorry, you're right.
We do have a black president.
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Please, come in.
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Nice work{\*, Conner}.
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The old
"hasn't anything changed" speech.
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Works on white people all the time.
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Surprised to see me, asshole?
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Close the door.
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Holy crap!
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Cheery ho!
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My name is Pip.
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I would like to see if you wouldn't mind
not smashing our little town to bits.
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Meanwhile, at the Legion of Doom,
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which is Tom Cruise's house...
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How do you like that?
Celebrities can get violent too!
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Please call Barbra Streisand off!
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She's destroying everything!
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We will call her off
when you give us Muhammad.
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We don't have Muhammad.
We aren't sure where he is.
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That's your problem!
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Get him back
or Babs will kill you all!
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Oh boy!
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{\*Kenny, dude, }What the hell?
You should be watching Muhammad!
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I am!
He's right here.
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Thank God.
Hey, Muhammad.
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Really sorry about all this{\*, dude}.
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So what the heck are we gonna do{\* now}?
Muhammad isn't safe here.
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The gingers and celebrities {\*all }want {\*a piece of }him.
I don't know where we can go.
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Wait.
Wait a minute.
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- I've got it. I've totally got it!
- What?
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Remember the time we got an elephant
to make love to a pig?
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I {\*totally }know how {\*we can}to give the gingers
and the celebrities what they want,
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but keep Muhammad safe.
Come on!
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She's going to get
our coffee store next.
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Jesus Christ!
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That's enough, Barbra Streisand!
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Try your ice breath!
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- No good!
- Look out!
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Barbra Streisand's using
her toxic stink ray!
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Your father never wanted
this to happen.
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- He was protecting you {\*as well as}and them.
- Them who?
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{\*Eric, }You have to understand,
it's all very complicated.
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Then start explaining{\* it to me}.
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Very well.
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Come on,{\* Muhammad.} the door is open.
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Dr. Mephisto, we need {\*your help}you!
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For crying out loud!
Now everybody's letting themselves in.
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Doctor, this is Muhammad.
We want you to clone him.
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So we can give his copies
to gingers and Barbra Streisand.
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All right.
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He's not doing anything
except explaining who my father is.
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- {\*Dude, }That doesn't matter {\*to people }right now.
- It's all that matters!
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{\*Dude, }Nobody gives a crap
about who your stupid father is!
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Muhammad is an important issue
with actual ethical ramifications!
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I guarantee you people care way more
about who my father is.
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{\pub}In the small mountain town
of South Park,
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the holy prophet
of the Mormon religion
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is trying to fly up the nose
of a deadly female singer.
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Our powers aren't working, Swallow!
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We can't attack Streisand's nose.
It's just too big!
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We have to find another weak spot.
Moses!
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What?
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We need to know any weakness
Barbra Streisand might have.
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Let me think.
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I know.
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Barbra Streisand can't resist
singing duets with Neil Diamond.
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All right, I'll build a stage.
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Lao Tsu, use mind control
to get a huge audience.
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00:10:00,474 --> 00:10:02,560
Buddha and Smith
use powers to find a band.
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Semen, you and Swallow
go get us sushi for dinner.
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00:10:07,023 --> 00:10:09,066
It's Seaman and Swallow!
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00:10:09,234 --> 00:10:11,527
- Okay, {\*Semen, }you guys head off.
- Fine!
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Swallow, come!
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00:10:16,574 --> 00:10:18,242
No way he just said that!
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{\*All right, all right. Look, just}Tell Cartman who his dad is real quick
so we can clone Muhammad.
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It's a complicated story.
I just can't tell him quickly.
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00:10:25,918 --> 00:10:28,377
Then we'll wait.
{\*because }We have to clone Muhammad now.
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00:10:28,502 --> 00:10:31,172
Is {\*Muhammad}he more important
than a little boy's broken heart?
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00:10:31,631 --> 00:10:33,132
You are not doing that again!
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00:10:33,257 --> 00:10:36,177
{\*Look, Mephisto, }You tell this kid who his father is
and you do it now!
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Stop talking with your stupid hand.
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00:10:38,554 --> 00:10:41,932
- Who you calling stupid, Jew?
- Come on{\* you guys}, we are running out of time!
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{\*Hey, I'm }Sorry to bother you.
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There's been an accident,
{\* and}I need a phone!
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{\*Yeah, right. }Let me guess.
You're an African American.
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00:10:52,526 --> 00:10:55,279
{\*Well, yes, }I am, but I don't know
what that has to do with anything.
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Beat it!
I'm not helping you!
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00:10:57,031 --> 00:10:58,365
- Dude!
- That's not cool!
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00:10:58,533 --> 00:11:00,034
{\*No, no, }You don't understand.
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00:11:00,159 --> 00:11:02,578
We understand you just sounded
like a freaking racist!
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00:11:02,703 --> 00:11:05,289
We don't live in the 60s any more{\*, you know}.
We have a black president!
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00:11:05,457 --> 00:11:07,083
All right{\*, all right}.
Jeez!
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Crap.
The gingers!
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00:11:13,964 --> 00:11:14,965
Gingers?{\* No!}
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00:11:15,841 --> 00:11:18,511
Later, at the Legion of Doom...
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00:11:20,429 --> 00:11:23,391
The gingers are claiming
they have Muhammad!
186
00:11:23,516 --> 00:11:25,268
What?
Impossible!
187
00:11:25,393 --> 00:11:27,478
They are sending a message now!
188
00:11:27,603 --> 00:11:28,437
On screen!
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00:11:32,233 --> 00:11:33,401
We got Muhammad!
190
00:11:33,526 --> 00:11:34,776
We got Muhammad!
191
00:11:35,152 --> 00:11:36,612
He's useless to you!
192
00:11:36,737 --> 00:11:39,574
You can't get Muhammad's power
to not be made fun of,
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00:11:39,699 --> 00:11:42,702
without the Rob Reiner
goo transfer machine!
194
00:11:43,369 --> 00:11:44,870
Why do you think we're calling?
195
00:11:44,995 --> 00:11:47,039
Our boss is willing
to share Muhammad with you,
196
00:11:47,164 --> 00:11:49,625
if you're willing to share
the goo machine with us.
197
00:11:51,043 --> 00:11:52,253
Your boss?
198
00:11:53,421 --> 00:11:54,547
What's going on?
199
00:11:54,672 --> 00:11:57,049
You got what you wanted,{\* gingers,}
so let us go!
200
00:11:58,217 --> 00:12:00,261
The head ginger has plans for you.
201
00:12:00,429 --> 00:12:02,263
What head ginger?
And where is Cartman?
202
00:12:03,013 --> 00:12:06,267
The head ginger has something
really special planned for him.
203
00:12:10,104 --> 00:12:11,522
What {\*the hell }is this?
Where am I?
204
00:12:11,647 --> 00:12:13,441
You really got yourself in a mess{\* this time, kid}.
205
00:12:13,566 --> 00:12:15,943
Shut up{\*, Conner}. How about I shove
this flashlight in your mouth.
206
00:12:16,068 --> 00:12:17,069
You...
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00:12:20,030 --> 00:12:21,699
I'm here, whoever you are.
208
00:12:26,203 --> 00:12:28,247
I've waited a long time for this.
209
00:12:29,165 --> 00:12:30,166
Daddy?
210
00:12:31,709 --> 00:12:32,710
Guess again.
211
00:12:39,633 --> 00:12:42,595
Welcome to my Chili Con Carnival!
212
00:12:44,013 --> 00:12:45,431
Chili Con Carnival?
213
00:12:46,182 --> 00:12:47,183
Wait a minute.
214
00:12:47,767 --> 00:12:48,893
It can't be.
215
00:12:49,310 --> 00:12:50,436
But it can!
216
00:12:51,687 --> 00:12:53,856
Revenge is a dish best served...
217
00:12:54,857 --> 00:12:55,858
chili!
218
00:12:56,859 --> 00:12:58,110
Scott Tenorman?
219
00:13:01,572 --> 00:13:03,699
Meanwhile, at the concert stage
220
00:13:03,867 --> 00:13:06,202
Jesus built with his power
of super carpentry...
221
00:13:07,328 --> 00:13:08,579
That's it{\*, Jesus}!
222
00:13:08,704 --> 00:13:11,540
The band has been paid
and the PA system is working.
223
00:13:11,832 --> 00:13:14,293
All right, Krishna,
the rest is up to you.
224
00:13:15,252 --> 00:13:17,087
Form of... Neil Diamond!
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00:13:22,176 --> 00:13:23,803
If you all wouldn't mind,
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00:13:24,345 --> 00:13:27,389
I'd like to invite a special friend
to join me on stage.
227
00:13:28,057 --> 00:13:30,351
Miss Barbra Streisand!
228
00:13:36,775 --> 00:13:38,734
Let's hope to Christ this works.
229
00:13:43,280 --> 00:13:45,282
Hello, gorgeous.
What do you say?
230
00:13:45,407 --> 00:13:47,785
Shall we sing together again
like the ol' times?
231
00:13:59,421 --> 00:14:02,174
Well, that's because
I loved you girl
232
00:14:02,591 --> 00:14:04,051
And I still love you now
233
00:14:04,176 --> 00:14:06,220
What have you got to say?
234
00:14:10,015 --> 00:14:11,809
That might be true
235
00:14:12,560 --> 00:14:15,020
But I still miss you at night
236
00:14:19,525 --> 00:14:23,279
When you roll over by my side
237
00:14:23,737 --> 00:14:26,866
And you kiss me goodnight
238
00:14:30,077 --> 00:14:31,078
It worked{\*, Jesus}!
239
00:14:31,662 --> 00:14:34,372
{\*and }Now to find Muhammad
and take down Tom Cruise!
240
00:14:35,499 --> 00:14:37,710
Do you remember
when you had my parents killed
241
00:14:37,835 --> 00:14:39,378
and fed them to me as chili?
242
00:14:39,920 --> 00:14:41,630
I spent {\*quite }a while
in a mental institution.
243
00:14:42,965 --> 00:14:44,926
A lot of time for me
to learn everything
244
00:14:45,259 --> 00:14:46,343
about you.
245
00:14:46,719 --> 00:14:48,721
So that one day,
I could take you down.
246
00:14:49,471 --> 00:14:51,724
I even learned
the name of your father.
247
00:14:53,267 --> 00:14:55,477
I know you're confused,
who wouldn't be?
248
00:14:55,853 --> 00:14:57,646
You've been lied to everyone.
249
00:14:58,190 --> 00:15:00,065
Even by your own mother.
250
00:15:02,192 --> 00:15:03,360
What do you know?
251
00:15:03,944 --> 00:15:06,864
I wanted to torment you
with your father's identity.
252
00:15:07,573 --> 00:15:11,535
But what I found was more shocking
than I could have possibly guessed!
253
00:15:12,828 --> 00:15:15,873
Meanwhile, at the gingers' lair...
254
00:15:16,498 --> 00:15:18,167
All right, Muhammad is secure.
255
00:15:18,500 --> 00:15:19,710
Let's do this.
256
00:15:20,252 --> 00:15:21,754
Throw the switch.{\*, Rob!}
257
00:15:32,139 --> 00:15:33,265
I can feel it!
258
00:15:33,682 --> 00:15:36,476
I can feel the power to not be ridiculed
flowing through my veins!
259
00:15:47,488 --> 00:15:49,073
OMG!
It worked!
260
00:15:50,866 --> 00:15:52,493
I've done it!
261
00:15:52,910 --> 00:15:55,663
Look at me.
I'm not okay to make fun of anymore!
262
00:15:56,121 --> 00:15:57,498
You lucky fucker!
263
00:16:01,627 --> 00:16:02,878
{\pub}Welcome, everyone,
264
00:16:03,003 --> 00:16:06,173
to the final act
of my fabulous Chili Carnival!
265
00:16:06,590 --> 00:16:08,676
Please!
Leave my boy alone!
266
00:16:08,801 --> 00:16:11,136
- Mom?
- I got them all here for you{\*, Eric},
267
00:16:11,261 --> 00:16:13,930
to listen
while you got told the truth!
268
00:16:14,264 --> 00:16:16,517
Please, don't!
We have to protect 'em.
269
00:16:16,767 --> 00:16:19,478
- Protect who?
- Yes, protect who?
270
00:16:19,770 --> 00:16:20,854
Tell him.
271
00:16:21,146 --> 00:16:23,357
Mister... Jimbo!
272
00:16:24,775 --> 00:16:25,776
Protect...
273
00:16:26,276 --> 00:16:27,862
the Denver Broncos.
274
00:16:29,613 --> 00:16:30,948
Meanwhile...
275
00:16:31,073 --> 00:16:33,075
This is incredible!
Who wants to go next?
276
00:16:33,200 --> 00:16:35,536
- I want to be next!
- No gingers go next!
277
00:16:35,704 --> 00:16:37,705
Gingers can suck it.
I'm next.
278
00:16:37,955 --> 00:16:39,748
It's my goo machine.
I'm next.
279
00:16:39,873 --> 00:16:41,375
Nobody is going next!
280
00:16:42,710 --> 00:16:45,796
Muhammad is our super best friend.
Let him go!
281
00:16:45,964 --> 00:16:47,715
They can't stop all of us!
Get 'em!
282
00:16:54,972 --> 00:16:56,557
The Denver Broncos.
283
00:16:56,849 --> 00:16:58,309
There was a right tackle,{\* see,}
284
00:16:58,434 --> 00:17:01,103
who had an illegitimate child
with your slut of a mom!
285
00:17:01,228 --> 00:17:03,105
And everyone here covered it up,
286
00:17:03,230 --> 00:17:04,857
to protect the Bronco name!
287
00:17:05,107 --> 00:17:08,027
They were having a really good year.
There couldn't be any distractions.
288
00:17:08,694 --> 00:17:11,864
- My dad was a Denver Bronco?
- Would you like to meet him?
289
00:17:12,698 --> 00:17:14,241
You can't.
Ever.
290
00:17:14,575 --> 00:17:15,784
'cause you see,{\* Eric,}
291
00:17:16,035 --> 00:17:17,703
we have something in common.
292
00:17:17,828 --> 00:17:19,872
Did I ever tell you
that my father...
293
00:17:20,414 --> 00:17:22,249
played for the Denver Broncos?
294
00:17:25,879 --> 00:17:27,922
The only Bronco
who lived in South Park.
295
00:17:28,047 --> 00:17:31,592
He got a little bored{\* one week} and had an affair
with a slut named Liane Cartman.
296
00:17:31,967 --> 00:17:32,885
No, please!
297
00:17:33,010 --> 00:17:33,928
Tell him!
298
00:17:34,053 --> 00:17:37,514
You almost did before but you got shot
by your brother who was a Bronco fan.{\* tell him!}
299
00:17:38,015 --> 00:17:39,058
It's true.
300
00:17:39,933 --> 00:17:41,685
Jack Tenorman was your father.
301
00:17:42,394 --> 00:17:44,605
You killed your own father
302
00:17:44,730 --> 00:17:48,150
and then you fed him
to your half brother!
303
00:17:53,405 --> 00:17:55,115
Now, eat your chili!
304
00:17:59,329 --> 00:18:00,788
The Super Best Friends?
305
00:18:04,291 --> 00:18:06,043
I'll get you, Tom Cruise!
306
00:18:09,588 --> 00:18:11,423
Look! Tom Cruise
has Seaman on his back.
307
00:18:13,967 --> 00:18:15,469
What did you say?
308
00:18:16,804 --> 00:18:18,722
Tom Cruise
does have Seaman on his back.
309
00:18:20,307 --> 00:18:22,101
I guess maybe Tom Cruise
likes Seaman.
310
00:18:25,187 --> 00:18:27,106
You're not supposed
{\*to be able }to make fun of me anymore!
311
00:18:27,231 --> 00:18:28,231
What's{\*the hell is} going on?
312
00:18:28,399 --> 00:18:30,317
I'll be back, Super Best Friends!
313
00:18:32,945 --> 00:18:34,655
Who's the creepy ginger kid?
314
00:18:35,364 --> 00:18:38,242
{\*Reiner! }You said the goo machine would work,
but I got made fun of!
315
00:18:38,534 --> 00:18:40,952
That's because there is no goo{\*, Mr Cruise}!
316
00:18:42,371 --> 00:18:44,665
You see, I learned something today.
317
00:19:01,932 --> 00:19:04,434
That's right.
Don't you see, gingers.
318
00:19:10,774 --> 00:19:12,151
That's right, friends.
319
00:19:28,375 --> 00:19:31,795
All right{\*, people}.
Let's start rebuilding our town,
320
00:19:32,212 --> 00:19:34,047
for the 39th time.
321
00:19:36,008 --> 00:19:37,009
Dude, look.
322
00:19:46,185 --> 00:19:49,229
{\*Look, man. }We know what you learned
would pretty tough to hear.
323
00:19:50,731 --> 00:19:51,982
Tough to hear?
324
00:19:52,399 --> 00:19:54,484
My dad was Scott Tenorman's dad!
325
00:19:54,902 --> 00:19:57,070
Don't you guys realize
what that means?
326
00:19:57,529 --> 00:19:59,281
Yeah,{\* dude,} we know what it means.
327
00:20:00,240 --> 00:20:02,117
My dad was a ginger!
328
00:20:04,411 --> 00:20:05,495
Wait!
What?
329
00:20:05,913 --> 00:20:08,373
I mean, obviously
I take after my mom,
330
00:20:08,498 --> 00:20:10,959
but I have the ginger gene
inside of me!
331
00:20:11,877 --> 00:20:14,754
{\*Dude, }You killed your own dad
and you're worried about that?
332
00:20:18,592 --> 00:20:19,593
What?
333
00:20:19,718 --> 00:20:22,763
- Come on, cheer up.
- Cheer up? I'm half ginger!
334
00:20:23,722 --> 00:20:26,934
{\*Yeah, }But you're forgetting.
You're also half Denver Bronco.
335
00:20:27,309 --> 00:20:29,144
That makes you pretty cool.
336
00:20:30,896 --> 00:20:32,064
You're right.
337
00:20:32,481 --> 00:20:34,274
That does make me pretty cool.
338
00:20:34,524 --> 00:20:35,984
You gotta be kidding me!
339
00:20:36,360 --> 00:20:38,111
Shut up{\*, Kyle}.
You dumb Jew.
340
00:20:38,612 --> 00:20:41,573
You've got Bronco blood in you{\*, kid}.
That makes you awesome.
341
00:20:41,823 --> 00:20:43,575
Me?
I should be moving on.
342
00:20:43,743 --> 00:20:45,327
Really,{\* Mitch,} you gotta go?
343
00:20:45,452 --> 00:20:48,497
There's a bounty on my head.
{\*and }I can't {\*afford to }stay in one place for too long.
344
00:20:48,956 --> 00:20:50,082
So long,
345
00:20:50,207 --> 00:20:51,458
Denver Bronco.
346
00:20:52,459 --> 00:20:53,669
Take it easy{\*, Conner}.
347
00:21:00,384 --> 00:21:01,593
Look,{\* Mr Cruise,}
348
00:21:02,052 --> 00:21:05,681
I'm sorry I said you were a fudge packer
and that you had Seaman on your back.
349
00:21:06,223 --> 00:21:08,475
I just can't do it anymore.
350
00:21:08,892 --> 00:21:10,352
I wanna go away.
351
00:21:10,894 --> 00:21:14,231
But there's nowhere on earth
that people aren't around to rip on me.
352
00:21:16,817 --> 00:21:17,901
We know a place.
353
00:21:18,026 --> 00:21:20,362
{\*We know }A place where everything
is just happiness and joy.
354
00:21:20,487 --> 00:21:22,239
And no humans
are there to mess it up.
355
00:21:22,364 --> 00:21:23,407
We do?
356
00:21:24,574 --> 00:21:25,450
We do!
357
00:21:25,575 --> 00:21:26,577
Really?
358
00:21:26,702 --> 00:21:29,579
Somewhere where I can
live out my days in peace and quiet?
359
00:21:30,789 --> 00:21:32,082
Can you show me where?
360
00:21:32,749 --> 00:21:35,377
We'll do better than that.
We'll help you to get there.