1
00:00:36,742 --> 00:00:39,161
Dad, it was really great seeing you.
2
00:00:39,286 --> 00:00:42,873
We'd love to stay for dinner,
but the food gives Sharon diarrhea.
3
00:00:42,998 --> 00:00:43,874
What!
4
00:00:44,541 --> 00:00:46,543
Just trying to leave
without being rude.
5
00:00:46,709 --> 00:00:49,128
Hold on just a second.
6
00:00:49,253 --> 00:00:51,589
I got a present for my grandson.
7
00:00:51,881 --> 00:00:52,965
Come here, Billy.
8
00:00:53,549 --> 00:00:55,050
You've grown up.
9
00:00:55,176 --> 00:00:58,387
It's time for you to have
something expensive and flashy
10
00:00:58,512 --> 00:01:00,430
to impress all the ladies.
11
00:01:01,390 --> 00:01:02,766
Go ahead and open it.
12
00:01:06,227 --> 00:01:08,855
Look at that, a bolo tie!
13
00:01:09,063 --> 00:01:11,023
Isn't that beautiful?
14
00:01:11,482 --> 00:01:12,900
That's 14-carat gold,
15
00:01:13,025 --> 00:01:15,528
with turquoise and real diamonds.
16
00:01:15,653 --> 00:01:17,571
How much did you spend on that?
17
00:01:17,696 --> 00:01:18,989
$6,000.
18
00:01:19,114 --> 00:01:20,532
$6,000?
19
00:01:20,657 --> 00:01:22,409
It's worth $50,000.
20
00:01:22,534 --> 00:01:25,120
The J&G Shopping Network said so.
21
00:01:25,245 --> 00:01:27,705
You shouldn't spend
your retirement money
22
00:01:27,831 --> 00:01:29,082
on frivolous things.
23
00:01:29,207 --> 00:01:32,418
You should save it for when you die.
That's our money.
24
00:01:32,960 --> 00:01:34,795
It's gorgeous.
Thank you.
25
00:01:34,920 --> 00:01:38,257
Tomorrow's picture day at school.
Stan can wear it for his photos.
26
00:01:38,966 --> 00:01:42,135
That's wonderful!
That will make me feel really good.
27
00:01:42,386 --> 00:01:43,428
Who's Stan?
28
00:01:51,435 --> 00:01:52,937
Nice bolo tie.
29
00:01:55,856 --> 00:01:59,735
Bolo ties are really in, right now.
It's cool you have one.
30
00:02:00,319 --> 00:02:03,363
It was a gift from my grandpa.
It cost a lot of money.
31
00:02:03,864 --> 00:02:05,615
No, dude, it's badass.
32
00:02:05,949 --> 00:02:08,368
It happens to be worth $6,000.
33
00:02:08,493 --> 00:02:10,787
- That was six grand?
- Yeah, dude.
34
00:02:10,912 --> 00:02:13,914
It's a recreation of the bolo tie
worn by King Henry V.
35
00:02:16,292 --> 00:02:18,001
It's fucking gay as fuck.
36
00:02:18,544 --> 00:02:19,461
I know.
37
00:02:19,628 --> 00:02:22,464
I really wish my grandpa
would just give me the money.
38
00:02:22,672 --> 00:02:24,591
Take it to one of those pawn places.
39
00:02:24,716 --> 00:02:27,469
Every two blocks, you see a sign
saying "cash for gold and jewelry."
40
00:02:27,594 --> 00:02:29,053
A lot of people are doing it.
41
00:02:45,485 --> 00:02:47,529
It's worth so much
I feel bad accepting it.
42
00:02:47,654 --> 00:02:48,738
So, I want the cash.
43
00:02:49,364 --> 00:02:52,825
It's 14-carat gold,
diamond and turquoise...
44
00:02:52,950 --> 00:02:54,368
I'll give you $15.
45
00:02:56,745 --> 00:02:58,956
That cost my grandpa $6,000.
46
00:02:59,081 --> 00:03:00,624
Those are real diamonds.
47
00:03:01,124 --> 00:03:02,918
I can't make anything
on the diamonds.
48
00:03:03,043 --> 00:03:06,004
I have to send it to a smelter,
have it all smelter down for the gold.
49
00:03:06,129 --> 00:03:07,881
Could make a $10 profit.
50
00:03:08,131 --> 00:03:09,382
Fifteen bucks?
51
00:03:09,507 --> 00:03:11,467
He's trying to rook us.
Let's go elsewhere.
52
00:03:11,634 --> 00:03:13,302
I'm not getting taken advantage of.
53
00:03:13,427 --> 00:03:15,346
You may suck
our collective balls, sir.
54
00:03:16,722 --> 00:03:19,766
Don't worry, there's gotta be
another Cash for Gold place here.
55
00:03:20,183 --> 00:03:21,184
Here's one.
56
00:03:23,145 --> 00:03:24,896
These are real diamonds, right?
57
00:03:25,021 --> 00:03:26,356
You can test them.
58
00:03:28,149 --> 00:03:29,233
$8.
59
00:03:30,568 --> 00:03:33,863
This is the same bolo tie
worn by King Henry V!
60
00:03:35,781 --> 00:03:36,782
$9.
61
00:03:39,743 --> 00:03:40,869
Welcome to Taco Bell.
62
00:03:40,994 --> 00:03:43,121
Would you like to try
our Doritos Locos Tacos?
63
00:03:43,371 --> 00:03:45,957
How much you give me for this gold,
turquoise and diamond bolo?
64
00:03:49,210 --> 00:03:51,003
14-carat gold.
65
00:03:51,129 --> 00:03:53,756
$14 a gram on the open market,
got about...
66
00:03:53,881 --> 00:03:54,965
four grams here.
67
00:03:55,257 --> 00:03:56,967
It's not really worth my time.
68
00:03:57,092 --> 00:03:59,803
I guess I can give you
a 6-Layer Burrito for it.
69
00:04:00,429 --> 00:04:02,014
A 6-Layer Burrito?
70
00:04:02,139 --> 00:04:04,266
You guys don't even make
a 6-Layer Burrito!
71
00:04:04,516 --> 00:04:07,894
All right, a 7-Layer Burrito,
but that's as high as I'm going!
72
00:04:11,939 --> 00:04:15,568
My grandpa paid $6,000
for something barely worth anything.
73
00:04:15,693 --> 00:04:18,445
How does something like this happen?
74
00:04:20,906 --> 00:04:22,657
OK, folks, we are...
75
00:04:23,033 --> 00:04:26,036
halfway complete
with today's broadcast.
76
00:04:26,536 --> 00:04:28,788
You wanna get in on these deals,
call now.
77
00:04:29,372 --> 00:04:30,623
Next item is...
78
00:04:31,290 --> 00:04:36,295
this is item number 45-78111.
79
00:04:37,338 --> 00:04:39,756
Look at these stunning earrings.
80
00:04:39,882 --> 00:04:43,677
These are genuine
faux sapphire earrings.
81
00:04:44,094 --> 00:04:48,264
14-carat gold,
86-carat faux sapphire.
82
00:04:49,223 --> 00:04:50,433
Faux is French.
83
00:04:50,558 --> 00:04:53,602
It's got an X in it,
but you don't pronounce it.
84
00:04:53,728 --> 00:04:55,437
How do you like that
for prestigious?
85
00:04:55,855 --> 00:04:59,233
These earrings normally go
for $6 million.
86
00:04:59,525 --> 00:05:01,401
We're selling these today for...
87
00:05:03,778 --> 00:05:05,238
$320.
88
00:05:05,739 --> 00:05:09,075
That's a steal.
The phones are lighting up.
89
00:05:09,200 --> 00:05:11,369
I believe we have a sale.
Do we?
90
00:05:12,036 --> 00:05:15,164
Let's get her on the line.
Who am I speaking with?
91
00:05:17,082 --> 00:05:19,251
My name is Vivian.
92
00:05:19,626 --> 00:05:23,255
Vivian, you got a heck of a deal.
What's your last name, sweetheart?
93
00:05:25,632 --> 00:05:27,342
I can't remember.
94
00:05:27,467 --> 00:05:30,970
Can you remember
your credit card number?
95
00:05:33,889 --> 00:05:35,474
3715...
96
00:05:35,599 --> 00:05:38,936
Hold on,
we'll get you on with a rep.
97
00:05:39,061 --> 00:05:40,395
Thanks for shopping with us.
98
00:05:40,520 --> 00:05:44,733
Congratulations on the 14-carat
faux sapphire earrings.
99
00:05:45,108 --> 00:05:47,527
At that price,
you practically stole them from us.
100
00:05:48,903 --> 00:05:50,488
Dude, that's terrible!
101
00:05:50,613 --> 00:05:52,323
I told you,
I've been watching all day.
102
00:05:52,448 --> 00:05:54,033
But how do they get away with that?
103
00:05:54,158 --> 00:05:57,619
This is a new time, a new era of science
only the smartest can comprehend.
104
00:05:58,078 --> 00:05:59,246
What?
105
00:05:59,580 --> 00:06:02,290
For centuries, alchemists have tried
to come up with the formula
106
00:06:02,416 --> 00:06:03,500
to make gold.
107
00:06:03,792 --> 00:06:06,169
Whoever could do it
would of course become rich, and now,
108
00:06:06,294 --> 00:06:08,463
the chemical equation
is right before our eyes.
109
00:06:10,298 --> 00:06:12,174
That's the chemical equation
for gold?
110
00:06:12,341 --> 00:06:13,134
Right.
111
00:06:13,259 --> 00:06:16,720
Guys with Cash for Gold signs
get you people's unwanted jewelry,
112
00:06:16,845 --> 00:06:18,972
added to a cable-based
shopping network
113
00:06:19,097 --> 00:06:20,849
divided by demented old people
114
00:06:20,974 --> 00:06:22,726
equals gold.
115
00:06:24,102 --> 00:06:25,603
Kenny, tell Cartman to shut up.
116
00:06:25,729 --> 00:06:27,564
Shut the fuck up, fucking asshole.
117
00:06:27,730 --> 00:06:29,399
I'm an asshole for doing math?
118
00:06:29,565 --> 00:06:31,734
Oh, my gosh!
Can you believe this?
119
00:06:31,901 --> 00:06:36,447
Somebody's about to get
this $20,000 topaz and copper ring
120
00:06:36,614 --> 00:06:38,157
for just 4,000 bucks.
121
00:06:38,282 --> 00:06:41,368
We've got our buyer on the line.
You're buying this as a gift, sir?
122
00:06:41,827 --> 00:06:43,870
No, I'm buying it as a gift,
123
00:06:43,995 --> 00:06:45,747
for my grandson, Billy.
124
00:06:46,498 --> 00:06:47,499
Grandpa?
125
00:06:51,210 --> 00:06:54,088
How about that, folks?
That is Brazilian emerald.
126
00:06:54,588 --> 00:06:56,090
Finest emerald available.
127
00:06:56,507 --> 00:06:58,133
We're letting this go
128
00:06:58,717 --> 00:07:01,345
for $1,495, EZ Pay.
129
00:07:01,803 --> 00:07:05,015
We call it that
to save you time.
130
00:07:05,390 --> 00:07:08,643
EZ is an a abbreviation
of easy.
131
00:07:08,977 --> 00:07:11,646
$1,495 EZ Pay.
132
00:07:12,063 --> 00:07:12,813
What?
133
00:07:14,523 --> 00:07:16,442
I got word we're dropping
134
00:07:16,609 --> 00:07:18,735
the Z from EZ Pay.
135
00:07:18,861 --> 00:07:20,988
It's now just E Pay.
136
00:07:21,446 --> 00:07:26,409
Instead of taking
all that time to say EZ Pay,
137
00:07:26,826 --> 00:07:28,953
we're saving you
a second of time.
138
00:07:29,579 --> 00:07:31,831
And those add up.
Go ahead and try it.
139
00:07:31,998 --> 00:07:34,291
Say E Pay 5,000 times.
140
00:07:34,417 --> 00:07:37,294
That's 5,000 seconds,
9 hours
141
00:07:37,419 --> 00:07:40,255
we just saved you
on J&G Shopping Network.
142
00:07:40,881 --> 00:07:44,050
Not wasting your time here.
You can't afford not to buy this one.
143
00:07:44,175 --> 00:07:46,803
You don't have a lot of time left,
literally.
144
00:07:46,928 --> 00:07:50,807
Pass this to your kids and grandkids.
Show them your life had meaning.
145
00:07:51,182 --> 00:07:52,183
Grandpa?
146
00:07:52,850 --> 00:07:54,310
Did you see that?
147
00:07:54,435 --> 00:07:57,229
An emerald on 14-carat gold.
148
00:07:57,354 --> 00:07:59,273
Don't you think
your sister would like that?
149
00:07:59,815 --> 00:08:01,274
She doesn't like jewelry.
150
00:08:02,025 --> 00:08:04,778
She will one day.
She will appreciate it.
151
00:08:05,278 --> 00:08:07,572
She's just a baby after all.
152
00:08:08,281 --> 00:08:10,408
She's not a baby.
She's 13.
153
00:08:11,492 --> 00:08:12,785
Shelley's 13?
154
00:08:13,953 --> 00:08:14,954
Right.
155
00:08:15,329 --> 00:08:16,372
Right, boy.
156
00:08:19,958 --> 00:08:24,004
Did I ever tell you I used
to have a border collie named Patches?
157
00:08:24,129 --> 00:08:25,255
Yes, grandpa.
158
00:08:25,672 --> 00:08:27,006
I loved that dog.
159
00:08:27,423 --> 00:08:29,384
She always made me so happy.
160
00:08:30,009 --> 00:08:31,302
When she died,
161
00:08:31,427 --> 00:08:34,263
I didn't let myself get too sad
'cause I thought,
162
00:08:34,722 --> 00:08:38,600
I thought I'd always have the memory
of her slobbering happy face.
163
00:08:41,019 --> 00:08:43,313
I can't remember
what she looked like.
164
00:08:50,153 --> 00:08:53,280
Don't worry,
I'm gonna take care of this.
165
00:08:59,036 --> 00:09:00,370
Craig, what's going on?
166
00:09:01,538 --> 00:09:04,583
Token, I bet your mom has old jewelry
she wouldn't notice missing.
167
00:09:05,500 --> 00:09:09,170
Bebe, you have rhinestones.
How about walking cash?
168
00:09:09,295 --> 00:09:10,713
I could probably...
169
00:09:11,714 --> 00:09:14,508
- What the fuck?
- Sorry, my arm's hurt.
170
00:09:14,633 --> 00:09:17,553
"My arm's hurt."
Pick the sign, this is a business!
171
00:09:20,097 --> 00:09:21,932
How much will you give me for this?
172
00:09:22,766 --> 00:09:23,767
Three bucks.
173
00:09:25,310 --> 00:09:26,895
We got crappy jewelry.
174
00:09:27,187 --> 00:09:29,272
Now, all we need are some old people.
175
00:09:33,818 --> 00:09:38,781
We've just sold this bracelet
to Ms. Marsha Tubbs.
176
00:09:39,698 --> 00:09:42,117
Marsha, thank you for your call.
177
00:09:42,242 --> 00:09:45,245
You just got yourself
a heck of a deal on this one.
178
00:09:45,495 --> 00:09:46,663
You there?
179
00:09:49,123 --> 00:09:50,249
I'm lost.
180
00:09:50,750 --> 00:09:53,294
I'm lost walking on the freeway.
181
00:09:53,419 --> 00:09:55,546
All right,
you're lost walking on a freeway.
182
00:09:55,671 --> 00:09:58,966
Enjoy the Tiger's Eye
Aquamarine Bracelet.
183
00:10:00,259 --> 00:10:02,010
What should we do next?
184
00:10:02,594 --> 00:10:04,137
Here's a good 'un.
185
00:10:07,182 --> 00:10:09,559
Let me set stage for you here.
186
00:10:09,934 --> 00:10:13,354
You're going
to that senior's cocktail party.
187
00:10:13,479 --> 00:10:16,357
It's Bingo night.
You're looking for something to wear.
188
00:10:16,941 --> 00:10:21,194
How about
a 13-carat panzotopanzanite ring?
189
00:10:21,320 --> 00:10:23,989
We got a caller already
on this one.
190
00:10:24,906 --> 00:10:27,575
You must be
a fan of panzotopanzanite.
191
00:10:28,868 --> 00:10:30,286
You should kill yourself.
192
00:10:31,454 --> 00:10:34,248
- What's that?
- I said you should kill yourself.
193
00:10:34,540 --> 00:10:36,709
What you do is unjustifiable.
194
00:10:37,126 --> 00:10:38,836
And you know it's unjustifiable.
195
00:10:39,294 --> 00:10:40,504
And you don't care.
196
00:10:41,088 --> 00:10:42,756
You're the definition of evil.
197
00:10:43,465 --> 00:10:44,507
Kill yourself.
198
00:10:46,301 --> 00:10:50,054
We're gonna sell this ring
for just $3,795.
199
00:10:50,179 --> 00:10:51,180
How's that?
200
00:10:51,514 --> 00:10:54,266
I read that shopping networks
make most of their money
201
00:10:54,392 --> 00:10:57,102
on the day seniors
pick up social security checks.
202
00:10:57,478 --> 00:10:58,479
Kill yourself.
203
00:10:58,604 --> 00:11:01,523
You shouldn't say
things like that.
204
00:11:01,648 --> 00:11:05,819
A host of a jewelry channel may do it.
You'd feel really bad.
205
00:11:05,944 --> 00:11:08,363
- No, I wouldn't.
- Yes, you would.
206
00:11:08,488 --> 00:11:10,531
No, I really want you
to kill yourself.
207
00:11:10,823 --> 00:11:12,366
How about this.
208
00:11:12,491 --> 00:11:14,827
If a jewelry network host
goes home tonight
209
00:11:14,952 --> 00:11:17,871
and blows his brains out,
you might be liable.
210
00:11:17,996 --> 00:11:20,123
That's a lawsuit worth...
211
00:11:20,582 --> 00:11:24,294
$2.7 million.
How does that sound?
212
00:11:24,419 --> 00:11:27,380
I don't care what happens to me.
I care about my grandfather.
213
00:11:27,505 --> 00:11:30,758
You morally empty
corrupted maggot.
214
00:11:34,637 --> 00:11:38,766
I'll bring the lawsuit down
to $2,939...
215
00:11:38,891 --> 00:11:41,143
It doesn't matter
what price you put on anything.
216
00:11:41,268 --> 00:11:43,562
Your only chance
to right the wrongs you've done
217
00:11:43,687 --> 00:11:46,523
and repay all the elderly people
whose lives you've destroyed
218
00:11:46,648 --> 00:11:47,815
is to kill yourself.
219
00:11:51,527 --> 00:11:54,947
You think it's funny...
220
00:11:55,072 --> 00:11:57,825
Telling someone to kill themselves.
That's not a joke.
221
00:11:58,117 --> 00:11:59,159
I'm not joking.
222
00:12:00,744 --> 00:12:01,745
Do it.
223
00:12:05,457 --> 00:12:06,374
Next item.
224
00:12:06,499 --> 00:12:11,462
Next item
we're gonna do is 55-2167755.
225
00:12:11,837 --> 00:12:13,756
This is...
Look at this, you guys.
226
00:12:13,881 --> 00:12:16,967
This is 200-carat Brazilian emerald
and plasticine ring.
227
00:12:17,092 --> 00:12:19,761
I'll start the biding
for this ring at...
228
00:12:19,887 --> 00:12:21,388
$8 billion.
229
00:12:21,513 --> 00:12:24,557
$8 billion, opening bid.
We've got to sell this ring today.
230
00:12:24,808 --> 00:12:27,477
I'll take it down a little.
We'll drop that price to...
231
00:12:27,727 --> 00:12:29,145
$75.95.
232
00:12:29,270 --> 00:12:31,772
At this price...
We got a call already, Butters?
233
00:12:32,315 --> 00:12:33,399
Did we sell it?
234
00:12:34,066 --> 00:12:37,778
$75.95, that's what the ring sold for.
Do we have the buyer on the line?
235
00:12:39,154 --> 00:12:42,282
You bought this lovely 200-carat ring.
How do you feel, Mrs.?
236
00:12:42,407 --> 00:12:46,119
This is Mrs. Applebee
on 24 Palmark Lane.
237
00:12:46,244 --> 00:12:49,497
Can I ask you something?
Do you like fucking little boys?
238
00:12:51,958 --> 00:12:53,042
I'm sorry?
239
00:12:53,334 --> 00:12:56,420
Do you fuck kids all the time?
That's what you did with this deal.
240
00:12:56,545 --> 00:12:59,256
You got an $8-billion ring
for $79.95.
241
00:12:59,381 --> 00:13:01,883
You fucked me good.
Congratulations.
242
00:13:02,717 --> 00:13:06,805
You saw me selling this ring
and thought, "I'd like to fuck him"?
243
00:13:08,389 --> 00:13:11,475
I thought it'd be a lovely gift
for my granddaughter, Jessica.
244
00:13:11,601 --> 00:13:14,228
She's captain of the debate team
at Jefferson high school.
245
00:13:14,770 --> 00:13:18,399
Thanks, I got to go get the taste
of old-lady dick out of my mouth.
246
00:13:19,399 --> 00:13:20,400
Goodbye.
247
00:13:21,360 --> 00:13:23,904
That's good acting.
I should get an award.
248
00:13:39,168 --> 00:13:42,462
Do you have any idea what it'd feel like
to start losing your memories?
249
00:13:43,004 --> 00:13:46,508
You don't have someone in your life
suffering from Alzheimer's. I do!
250
00:13:46,633 --> 00:13:50,636
If you've got a beef with the system,
you're talking to the wrong people.
251
00:13:50,762 --> 00:13:54,223
All we do is smelter down what we get
from the Cash for Gold places.
252
00:13:55,349 --> 00:13:57,226
There's a old Hindu saying,
253
00:13:57,476 --> 00:13:59,645
"Whoever smelt it dealt it."
254
00:14:01,313 --> 00:14:05,233
We aren't the ones who denied you
what your jewelry was really worth.
255
00:14:05,358 --> 00:14:07,235
The Hindu saying is actually...
256
00:14:10,113 --> 00:14:13,991
- What does that mean?
- "Whoever denied it supplied it."
257
00:14:17,870 --> 00:14:19,913
You are the scums of the earth.
258
00:14:20,038 --> 00:14:22,207
Old people are victimized
by shopping networks,
259
00:14:22,332 --> 00:14:25,752
and you kickback
in your mansions making billions.
260
00:14:27,253 --> 00:14:29,422
We aren't making that much.
261
00:14:30,381 --> 00:14:33,926
- You're not?
- Yell at who melt the gold down.
262
00:14:34,051 --> 00:14:37,096
The old Hindu saying is
"whoever smelt it dealt it."
263
00:14:39,264 --> 00:14:40,849
It's "whoever denied it supplied it."
264
00:14:41,016 --> 00:14:42,476
You got it all wrong.
265
00:14:42,601 --> 00:14:46,354
The jewelry that those networks sell
don't even come from us.
266
00:14:46,729 --> 00:14:50,233
It's all made in India,
where those Hindu rhymes come from.
267
00:14:50,400 --> 00:14:53,319
What are you saying, Gustov?
Do you mean...
268
00:14:53,486 --> 00:14:54,528
That's right.
269
00:14:54,862 --> 00:14:57,323
Whoever made the rhyme
did the crime.
270
00:15:00,742 --> 00:15:02,494
Suck my balls
271
00:15:04,955 --> 00:15:08,041
Welcome.
Welcome to discount jewelry store.
272
00:15:08,541 --> 00:15:10,460
I'm running a resale business,
273
00:15:10,585 --> 00:15:14,630
but I can't get enough crappy jewelry,
so I'd like to buy some of yours.
274
00:15:15,131 --> 00:15:17,800
You do so good business.
You so clever.
275
00:15:18,092 --> 00:15:18,926
I get by.
276
00:15:19,051 --> 00:15:22,846
I'm gonna need some necklaces,
bracelets and earrings.
277
00:15:23,430 --> 00:15:24,764
What you like?
278
00:15:24,931 --> 00:15:26,724
I guess I'll take that ring, there.
279
00:15:27,267 --> 00:15:28,685
You make so good choice.
280
00:15:29,018 --> 00:15:31,687
It's beautiful.
Look, it's beautiful.
281
00:15:33,064 --> 00:15:34,857
And maybe I'll take that one
for $300.
282
00:15:35,316 --> 00:15:37,651
That's best one.
You so clever.
283
00:15:37,776 --> 00:15:39,653
You take advantage my low prices.
284
00:15:39,903 --> 00:15:42,280
How about
that tanzanite bracelet for $995?
285
00:15:42,447 --> 00:15:44,783
You got good eye.
You so clever.
286
00:15:44,908 --> 00:15:48,453
I getting taken advantage.
You like fuck Asian lady?
287
00:15:51,539 --> 00:15:52,957
- What you say?
- I know.
288
00:15:53,082 --> 00:15:54,834
You walk by my store, and you say,
289
00:15:54,959 --> 00:15:58,128
"There's nice Asian lady.
I think I go in and I fuck her."
290
00:15:58,253 --> 00:16:00,172
You Asian-lady fucker you.
291
00:16:00,339 --> 00:16:02,799
Wait a minute.
How much do you pay for this stuff?
292
00:16:03,091 --> 00:16:05,635
I pay thousands.
And you come here and fuck me.
293
00:16:06,219 --> 00:16:08,012
Quit the act.
I'm not fucking you.
294
00:16:08,513 --> 00:16:10,890
- You fuck me.
- You fuck me!
295
00:16:11,015 --> 00:16:12,141
Fuck you!
296
00:16:18,063 --> 00:16:19,731
My balls
297
00:16:19,857 --> 00:16:21,149
Suck 'em dry
298
00:16:29,282 --> 00:16:30,491
Sorry.
299
00:16:42,252 --> 00:16:44,504
I'm looking to cut out
the middle man.
300
00:16:44,629 --> 00:16:47,257
I want to buy my jewelry
direct from you...
301
00:16:47,757 --> 00:16:48,841
Motherfuckers!
302
00:16:49,258 --> 00:16:52,678
You should be ashamed
of the Americans that you're exploiting.
303
00:16:52,803 --> 00:16:55,055
How dare you take advantage
of those less fortunate?
304
00:16:55,181 --> 00:16:57,391
You dirty double-crossing assholes!
305
00:16:57,516 --> 00:16:58,892
You try to cut me out?
306
00:16:59,017 --> 00:17:01,520
You guys stole my formula,
then try to fuck me.
307
00:17:02,229 --> 00:17:03,230
Sorry.
308
00:17:04,189 --> 00:17:06,399
Then try to fuck me
out of your business.
309
00:17:06,566 --> 00:17:09,193
We're not fucking you,
they're fucking Stan's grandpa.
310
00:17:09,569 --> 00:17:11,404
They're getting fucked
by Asians ladies.
311
00:17:11,571 --> 00:17:14,740
Somebody is at the head of all this,
and somebody needs to pay.
312
00:17:14,865 --> 00:17:18,577
All I want is a goddamn retribution
for my goddamn grandpa.
313
00:17:20,954 --> 00:17:22,873
Not a diamond and gold necklace!
314
00:17:27,544 --> 00:17:29,003
What's he doing?
315
00:19:20,272 --> 00:19:22,399
Actually, this might kind of work.
316
00:19:25,527 --> 00:19:28,196
So, we went to India,
which is pretty cool, I guess.
317
00:19:28,321 --> 00:19:29,405
Never been there.
318
00:19:29,530 --> 00:19:31,991
We learned that whoever smelt it,
denied it and rhymed it
319
00:19:32,116 --> 00:19:33,242
actually dealt it.
320
00:19:33,534 --> 00:19:36,787
- Sounds like you had a fun weekend.
- I guess so.
321
00:19:36,912 --> 00:19:39,581
Anyway,
I wanted to give you something.
322
00:19:40,332 --> 00:19:41,333
For me?
323
00:19:44,461 --> 00:19:45,503
My God.
324
00:19:46,046 --> 00:19:47,422
There she is.
325
00:19:47,964 --> 00:19:49,215
Ol' Patches.
326
00:19:49,590 --> 00:19:51,884
There's that slobbering happy face.
327
00:19:52,718 --> 00:19:54,053
Thank you.
328
00:19:54,386 --> 00:19:55,971
That means a lot.
329
00:19:59,933 --> 00:20:01,643
That bolo tie you're wearing?
330
00:20:02,727 --> 00:20:06,231
I don't know where you got that,
but it's fucking gay as fuck.
331
00:20:07,023 --> 00:20:09,067
Cool, I won't wear it anymore.
332
00:20:09,192 --> 00:20:10,902
That's a good idea.
333
00:20:13,738 --> 00:20:17,741
Folks, these are not
average peridot craponite earrings.
334
00:20:17,866 --> 00:20:20,244
These are 18-carat gold.
335
00:20:20,953 --> 00:20:23,872
And we got...
Do we have a buyer?
336
00:20:25,165 --> 00:20:27,917
What are you waiting for?
Kill yourself.
337
00:20:28,501 --> 00:20:31,087
All right, goddamn it.
We got another comedian.
338
00:20:31,629 --> 00:20:33,297
Ever since that kid called up,
339
00:20:33,422 --> 00:20:36,300
everybody wants to call
and tell me I should kill myself.
340
00:20:36,634 --> 00:20:38,385
He was right.
Do it.
341
00:20:38,510 --> 00:20:40,637
Folks, this an 800 number.
342
00:20:40,762 --> 00:20:44,099
Every time you call
and tell me to kill myself,
343
00:20:44,224 --> 00:20:45,642
it's costing us
344
00:20:46,434 --> 00:20:49,604
two dollars
and thirty-six cents.
345
00:20:49,979 --> 00:20:52,940
So now, how about a caller
who wants to buy jewelry?
346
00:20:53,566 --> 00:20:54,692
Hello, sir?
347
00:20:54,984 --> 00:20:57,194
You're too scared to do it,
aren't you?
348
00:20:57,528 --> 00:20:59,238
You don't have the balls.
349
00:20:59,363 --> 00:21:01,365
Goddamn it,
I'm not scared to do it.
350
00:21:01,698 --> 00:21:03,074
You're scared.
351
00:21:03,325 --> 00:21:05,785
You got lady balls.
352
00:21:09,664 --> 00:21:10,665
Hello.
353
00:21:10,998 --> 00:21:13,834
I'm calling
about the peridot earrings.
354
00:21:13,959 --> 00:21:15,085
Yes, ma'am.
355
00:21:15,211 --> 00:21:17,212
They'd look good
on your dead body.
356
00:21:17,338 --> 00:21:19,131
Why don't you kill yourself?
357
00:21:19,256 --> 00:21:20,674
All right, that's that.
358
00:21:20,799 --> 00:21:21,842
That third's...
359
00:21:22,300 --> 00:21:24,803
the straw
that broke the camel's back.
360
00:21:25,470 --> 00:21:28,056
I got a gun right here.
What do you think about that?
361
00:21:29,015 --> 00:21:31,934
Put it against your temple
and pull the trigger.