1 00:00:08,592 --> 00:00:11,846 ♪ I'm goin' down to South Park, gonna have myself a time ♪ 2 00:00:12,013 --> 00:00:13,848 ♪ Friendly faces everywhere ♪ 3 00:00:14,015 --> 00:00:15,683 ♪ Humble folks without temptation ♪ 4 00:00:15,850 --> 00:00:18,436 ♪ Goin' down to South Park, gonna leave my woes behind ♪ 5 00:00:18,602 --> 00:00:20,312 ♪ Ample parking day or night ♪ 6 00:00:20,479 --> 00:00:22,523 ♪ People spouting, "Howdy, neighbor!" ♪ 7 00:00:22,690 --> 00:00:25,067 ♪ Heading on up to South Park, gonna see if I can't unwind ♪ 8 00:00:25,234 --> 00:00:28,446 ♪ Mrph rmhmhm rm! Mrph rmhmhm rm! ♪ 9 00:00:28,612 --> 00:00:32,450 ♪ Come on down to South Park and meet some friends of mine ♪ 10 00:00:44,795 --> 00:00:45,963 This is an outrage! 11 00:00:46,130 --> 00:00:48,049 This a violation of our human rights! 12 00:00:48,215 --> 00:00:49,467 Dude, what the hell is going on? 13 00:00:49,633 --> 00:00:50,843 You didn't hear the announcement? 14 00:00:51,010 --> 00:00:53,012 They just canceled Columbus Day. 15 00:00:53,179 --> 00:00:54,430 We have to come to school on Monday! 16 00:00:54,597 --> 00:00:56,057 They what?! 17 00:00:56,223 --> 00:00:58,100 They can't do this! We made plans! 18 00:00:58,267 --> 00:00:59,894 Some asshole went and convinced the school board 19 00:01:00,061 --> 00:01:02,021 that Columbus Day is racist and should be eliminated. 20 00:01:02,188 --> 00:01:03,230 You can't take away a day off. 21 00:01:03,397 --> 00:01:05,024 We're just innocent children! 22 00:01:05,191 --> 00:01:07,818 Dude. What asshole would take away a holiday? 23 00:01:07,985 --> 00:01:09,612 My name is Peter Galtman. 24 00:01:09,779 --> 00:01:12,698 I am the head of the school calendar committee. 25 00:01:12,865 --> 00:01:14,283 I have decided the school 26 00:01:14,450 --> 00:01:16,160 will not celebrate Columbus Day this year. 27 00:01:16,327 --> 00:01:17,578 I realize this is 28 00:01:17,745 --> 00:01:18,662 a hot-button issue for many families, 29 00:01:18,829 --> 00:01:20,498 but one parent in particular 30 00:01:20,664 --> 00:01:23,042 has really swayed my opinion with his passion -- 31 00:01:23,209 --> 00:01:25,211 Mr. Randy Marsh. 32 00:01:25,377 --> 00:01:27,379 Mr. Marsh pointed out to me the hypocrisy 33 00:01:27,546 --> 00:01:29,673 of glorifying a genocidal murderer. 34 00:01:29,840 --> 00:01:32,676 And Mr. Marsh is, right now, also working 35 00:01:32,843 --> 00:01:37,014 on having the Columbus statue taken down in Canyon City. 36 00:01:40,601 --> 00:01:41,685 Come on, everybody! 37 00:01:41,852 --> 00:01:43,854 Let's take this fuckin' thing down! 38 00:01:44,021 --> 00:01:46,315 Yeah!! Yeah! 39 00:01:46,482 --> 00:01:47,441 Take it down! 40 00:01:47,608 --> 00:01:50,820 Columbus was a mass murderer! 41 00:01:50,986 --> 00:01:53,280 Tear it down! Tear it down! 42 00:01:53,447 --> 00:01:54,323 Yeah! 43 00:01:57,868 --> 00:02:00,121 Okay, it's not working. 44 00:02:00,287 --> 00:02:03,082 We almost got it, guys! 45 00:02:03,249 --> 00:02:04,834 Come on! Throw the rope, Stan! 46 00:02:05,000 --> 00:02:06,502 Good. That's good! 47 00:02:06,669 --> 00:02:08,170 Okay, hit the gas, Nelson! 48 00:02:09,880 --> 00:02:11,507 We got it, everybody! 49 00:02:11,674 --> 00:02:13,008 To hell with you, Columbus, you -- 50 00:02:13,175 --> 00:02:14,510 Whoa, whoa, whoa! 51 00:02:21,016 --> 00:02:22,226 Hey, dude. 52 00:02:22,393 --> 00:02:24,270 Dude, did you know it's your dad 53 00:02:24,436 --> 00:02:26,188 who's getting the school to cancel Columbus Day? 54 00:02:26,355 --> 00:02:28,023 Yeah. Dude, I don't know what's going on. 55 00:02:28,190 --> 00:02:29,567 He's really serious about this. 56 00:02:29,733 --> 00:02:31,068 Well, you got to do something. 57 00:02:31,235 --> 00:02:32,486 If you get him to back down, 58 00:02:32,653 --> 00:02:33,904 maybe the school will reconsider. 59 00:02:34,071 --> 00:02:35,156 I can't get him to back down. 60 00:02:35,322 --> 00:02:37,158 Stan, I have to deal with my mom 61 00:02:37,324 --> 00:02:38,868 doing shit like this all the time, 62 00:02:39,034 --> 00:02:41,078 but she's never tried to take away a holiday. 63 00:02:41,245 --> 00:02:43,539 I'm your best friend, but I can't have your back 64 00:02:43,706 --> 00:02:44,707 when the guys find out about this. 65 00:02:44,874 --> 00:02:45,916 I'll try, okay? 66 00:02:46,083 --> 00:02:47,209 I got to go. 67 00:02:47,376 --> 00:02:48,878 Okay, Stan. you got your phone? 68 00:02:49,044 --> 00:02:50,713 We need to call everyone on this list. 69 00:02:50,880 --> 00:02:52,381 They all live in the same city. 70 00:02:52,548 --> 00:02:54,800 Dad, listen, you need to ease off a little here, okay? 71 00:02:54,967 --> 00:02:57,094 Stan, it's not right that people celebrate a man 72 00:02:57,261 --> 00:02:58,345 who wiped out millions of people 73 00:02:58,512 --> 00:03:00,514 for his own glory. Let's go. 74 00:03:00,681 --> 00:03:03,893 Hello, is this, uh, Howard Peterson? 75 00:03:04,059 --> 00:03:06,562 You live in Columbus, Ohio. Is that correct? 76 00:03:06,729 --> 00:03:09,148 Yeah? You racist piece of shit. 77 00:03:09,315 --> 00:03:10,316 You heard me. 78 00:03:10,482 --> 00:03:11,692 You're an intolerant pig. 79 00:03:11,859 --> 00:03:13,527 Oh, you're not? 80 00:03:13,694 --> 00:03:15,487 You just choose to live in a city named for ethnic cleansing? 81 00:03:15,654 --> 00:03:17,072 No, fuck you. 82 00:03:17,239 --> 00:03:18,866 Rename your city, asshole. 83 00:03:19,033 --> 00:03:20,492 Hello? 84 00:03:20,659 --> 00:03:22,119 Okay, next one. Come on. Get calling, Stan. 85 00:03:22,286 --> 00:03:23,162 Dad, come on. 86 00:03:23,329 --> 00:03:24,580 We all get your point, 87 00:03:24,747 --> 00:03:26,165 but don't you think you're overdoing it? 88 00:03:26,332 --> 00:03:27,958 You have to overdo it in today's society, Stan. 89 00:03:28,125 --> 00:03:30,044 You can't be nuanced and subtle anymore 90 00:03:30,211 --> 00:03:32,171 or else critics go, "Wow, what was the point of that?" 91 00:03:32,338 --> 00:03:34,256 Hi, Francis Melman? 92 00:03:34,423 --> 00:03:36,592 Hey! How are you, you fuckin' racist? 93 00:03:38,302 --> 00:03:40,304 Christopher Columbus -- 94 00:03:40,471 --> 00:03:41,805 explorer, pioneer. 95 00:03:41,972 --> 00:03:44,099 Is he someone who should be appreciated? 96 00:03:44,266 --> 00:03:46,518 Or was he just a douche? 97 00:03:46,685 --> 00:03:48,562 For years. Columbus Circle has been a landmark 98 00:03:48,729 --> 00:03:51,440 and photogenic intersection in New York City. 99 00:03:51,607 --> 00:03:53,234 So it came as a surprise 100 00:03:53,400 --> 00:03:56,237 when someone defecated on the statue earlier today. 101 00:03:56,403 --> 00:03:58,989 I'm joined now by the man who did the actual defecating, 102 00:03:59,156 --> 00:04:01,575 Mr. Randy Marsh of South Park, Colorado. 103 00:04:01,742 --> 00:04:03,244 Good evening! 104 00:04:03,410 --> 00:04:05,412 Mr. Marsh, you took a dump on the beloved statue that 105 00:04:05,579 --> 00:04:07,039 has been an icon here in the city for years. 106 00:04:07,206 --> 00:04:08,415 What was your reasoning? 107 00:04:08,582 --> 00:04:10,167 Well, I just have a problem 108 00:04:10,334 --> 00:04:12,461 with the racist people of this city. 109 00:04:12,628 --> 00:04:14,380 "Yee-haw! I'm from New York. 110 00:04:14,546 --> 00:04:16,382 I drive around a big circle 111 00:04:16,548 --> 00:04:18,634 that celebrates a guy who murdered Native Americans. 112 00:04:18,801 --> 00:04:20,594 Shoo wee!" 113 00:04:20,761 --> 00:04:22,763 So, you're doing this because of indigenous peoples 114 00:04:22,930 --> 00:04:24,390 and their feelings? 115 00:04:24,556 --> 00:04:26,100 I don't care if people get indigenous. 116 00:04:26,267 --> 00:04:27,977 I'll crap all over their statues. 117 00:04:28,143 --> 00:04:31,146 I'm the one who's indigenous that this landmark even exists! 118 00:04:31,313 --> 00:04:34,608 Uh, uh... ba-back to you, Tom. 119 00:04:39,613 --> 00:04:41,490 It ain't right. 120 00:04:41,657 --> 00:04:43,325 They make you work like a dog 121 00:04:43,492 --> 00:04:45,577 and then just tear away your one day off in October 122 00:04:45,744 --> 00:04:47,246 like you're a piece of trash. 123 00:04:47,663 --> 00:04:48,789 Hey, guys. 124 00:04:48,956 --> 00:04:51,417 Boo! Boo! Nobody likes you, Stan. 125 00:04:51,583 --> 00:04:52,793 Look, I tried talking to him, all right? 126 00:04:52,960 --> 00:04:55,671 He's just really against all the things Columbus did. 127 00:04:55,838 --> 00:04:57,548 Does anybody know what Columbus actually did? 128 00:04:57,715 --> 00:05:00,801 Yeah. In 1492, Columbus got us a day off school. 129 00:05:00,968 --> 00:05:02,219 That's what matters. 130 00:05:02,386 --> 00:05:03,887 No. No, wait, guys. Maybe that's it. 131 00:05:04,054 --> 00:05:05,556 When I'm dealing with my mom, 132 00:05:05,723 --> 00:05:07,516 sometimes it works to be on her side for a minute. 133 00:05:07,683 --> 00:05:09,143 Maybe we should find out all the things 134 00:05:09,310 --> 00:05:10,436 people find offensive about Columbus and -- 135 00:05:10,602 --> 00:05:11,603 And then totally act like we care. 136 00:05:11,770 --> 00:05:13,522 I like it, Kyle. 137 00:05:13,689 --> 00:05:15,024 I'll just look up "Columbus, offensive, inflammatory..." 138 00:05:15,190 --> 00:05:17,276 Yeah, this is sweet. 139 00:05:17,443 --> 00:05:19,361 It's like that movie where the dude pretended to be on the monster's side. 140 00:05:19,528 --> 00:05:20,904 You know, with the guy and the chick that had the wife beater on, 141 00:05:21,071 --> 00:05:22,072 but her boobs were sweaty so you could see them. 142 00:05:22,239 --> 00:05:23,240 Oh, I love that movie! 143 00:05:23,407 --> 00:05:24,325 Yeah, this is a lot like that. 144 00:05:24,491 --> 00:05:25,784 What'd you find, Kyle? 145 00:05:25,951 --> 00:05:27,077 Nothing. 146 00:05:27,244 --> 00:05:29,330 Dang it! There's nothing? 147 00:05:29,496 --> 00:05:31,915 Stan, can I talk to you for a minute? 148 00:05:32,082 --> 00:05:34,543 What? What? What the hell was that? 149 00:05:37,046 --> 00:05:37,921 Hey, Dad? 150 00:05:38,088 --> 00:05:39,506 Not now, Stan. 151 00:05:39,673 --> 00:05:41,091 I'm working on a proposal 152 00:05:41,258 --> 00:05:43,135 to change British Colombia to just British. 153 00:05:43,302 --> 00:05:45,554 But, Dad, Kyle found a picture on Instagram. 154 00:05:45,721 --> 00:05:47,389 It pretty much looks like you 155 00:05:47,556 --> 00:05:49,767 dressed as Columbus at a Halloween party. 156 00:05:51,310 --> 00:05:52,561 Where did you get that? 157 00:05:52,728 --> 00:05:53,771 If you hate Columbus so much, 158 00:05:53,937 --> 00:05:55,189 why'd you dress up like him? 159 00:05:55,356 --> 00:05:57,358 Look, that was a long time ago. Okay? 160 00:05:57,524 --> 00:05:59,234 Just a dumb Halloween costume. 161 00:05:59,401 --> 00:06:00,736 Yeah, but... here's you 162 00:06:00,903 --> 00:06:02,363 dressed as Columbus at a formal dinner, 163 00:06:02,529 --> 00:06:03,113 and here's you dressed as Columbus 164 00:06:03,280 --> 00:06:04,698 at a football game. 165 00:06:04,865 --> 00:06:06,784 And you as Columbus on St. Patrick's day. 166 00:06:06,950 --> 00:06:10,037 Look, I was younger! We were all younger. 167 00:06:10,204 --> 00:06:11,997 It was another time. 168 00:06:12,164 --> 00:06:15,334 You have to understand, it was 2013. 169 00:06:15,501 --> 00:06:17,711 Everyone was stoked on Columbus back then. 170 00:06:17,878 --> 00:06:20,089 Yeah, but, Dad, you seem to be really stoked on Columbus. 171 00:06:20,255 --> 00:06:22,341 If you guys found those pictures online, 172 00:06:22,508 --> 00:06:25,094 it's only a matter of time before everyone else does. 173 00:06:25,260 --> 00:06:27,346 People won't care about what I do now. 174 00:06:27,513 --> 00:06:28,972 They'll just see me 175 00:06:29,139 --> 00:06:32,351 as a thoughtless, indigenous son of a bitch. 176 00:06:37,689 --> 00:06:40,401 Randy, do you mind cleaning out the garage like I asked? 177 00:06:40,567 --> 00:06:41,902 What's the point, Sharon? 178 00:06:42,069 --> 00:06:43,779 Soon they're gonna be coming after me. 179 00:06:43,946 --> 00:06:46,698 Ugh. 180 00:06:46,865 --> 00:06:48,575 Hey, you! 181 00:06:48,742 --> 00:06:50,411 That's right, you! 182 00:06:50,577 --> 00:06:53,163 Wouldn't you like to know the story of you? 183 00:06:53,330 --> 00:06:55,374 What makes you, you? 184 00:06:55,541 --> 00:06:57,376 DNAandMe is a genetic service 185 00:06:57,543 --> 00:06:59,128 that can help you find out 186 00:06:59,294 --> 00:07:01,088 exactly who your ancestors were. 187 00:07:01,255 --> 00:07:02,798 You might be surprised. 188 00:07:02,965 --> 00:07:05,092 I thought I was just a standard white guy. 189 00:07:05,259 --> 00:07:07,177 But DNAandMe showed 190 00:07:07,344 --> 00:07:10,848 that I'm actually 4.2% Cherokee Indian. 191 00:07:11,014 --> 00:07:13,058 Turns out I'm not totally white. 192 00:07:13,225 --> 00:07:16,145 I'm also part Northern Asian, and even some Kurdish! 193 00:07:16,311 --> 00:07:18,021 I'm a victim of oppression! 194 00:07:18,188 --> 00:07:20,858 I used to get in trouble for always using the "N" word. 195 00:07:21,024 --> 00:07:25,070 But with DNAandMe, I found out that I'm 2. 1% black! 196 00:07:25,237 --> 00:07:25,863 Morning, Steve. 197 00:07:26,029 --> 00:07:27,656 'Sup, nigga. 198 00:07:27,823 --> 00:07:29,241 The test is easy. 199 00:07:29,408 --> 00:07:30,784 Simply swab the inside of your mouth 200 00:07:30,951 --> 00:07:32,494 and send it in to our labs. 201 00:07:32,661 --> 00:07:34,621 People made fun of me for being French. 202 00:07:34,788 --> 00:07:37,416 DNAandMe showed I was 8% Navajo. 203 00:07:37,583 --> 00:07:39,001 Nobody's making fun of me now, 204 00:07:39,168 --> 00:07:40,836 or my people, who were victims. 205 00:07:41,003 --> 00:07:42,754 I'm 13% victim! 206 00:07:42,921 --> 00:07:44,506 I'm 21% victim. 207 00:07:44,673 --> 00:07:46,425 Order now and find out 208 00:07:46,592 --> 00:07:48,760 if your friends should be more sympathetic towards you. 209 00:07:48,927 --> 00:07:51,805 DNAandMe. Are you in? 210 00:07:51,972 --> 00:07:53,849 Hell fuckin' yes, I'm in. 211 00:08:07,488 --> 00:08:12,910 All right. Everyone's here. Let's do this. 212 00:08:13,076 --> 00:08:14,495 Here you go, just like I said. 213 00:08:14,661 --> 00:08:16,914 $100 cash. No questions asked. 214 00:08:17,080 --> 00:08:18,499 Are we good? 215 00:08:19,416 --> 00:08:21,043 Good. No talking. Perfect. 216 00:08:21,210 --> 00:08:23,795 Okay. Let's get this over with. 217 00:08:34,806 --> 00:08:35,891 Thank you. 218 00:08:36,058 --> 00:08:38,435 Do not talk of this to anyone. 219 00:08:41,313 --> 00:08:43,690 All right, everybody! Hey, thanks for coming. 220 00:08:43,857 --> 00:08:45,150 If, uh, I can have your attention, please, 221 00:08:45,317 --> 00:08:47,069 I think we're ready to get started. 222 00:08:47,236 --> 00:08:48,570 Uh, Mr. Marsh, you know 223 00:08:48,737 --> 00:08:50,030 none of this was really necessary. 224 00:08:50,197 --> 00:08:51,698 For DNAandMe testing, 225 00:08:51,865 --> 00:08:53,450 you can just swab the inside of your mouth yourself 226 00:08:53,617 --> 00:08:55,244 and send it in the mail. 227 00:08:55,410 --> 00:08:57,329 Yeah, I know, but I just -- I was really excited about it, 228 00:08:57,496 --> 00:08:59,540 wanted everyone to witness my test. 229 00:08:59,706 --> 00:09:00,874 Well, to each their own, I suppose. 230 00:09:01,041 --> 00:09:02,459 All right. Open wide. 231 00:09:02,626 --> 00:09:06,505 Ahh... 232 00:09:06,672 --> 00:09:08,090 Okay. I'll get this back to the lab 233 00:09:08,257 --> 00:09:09,758 and get the results to you as soon as possible. 234 00:09:09,925 --> 00:09:12,386 Okay, great. I'm very interested to see 235 00:09:12,553 --> 00:09:15,722 what those results have to say. 236 00:09:20,519 --> 00:09:22,104 Galtman residence. 237 00:09:22,271 --> 00:09:23,939 Listen to me carefully. 238 00:09:24,106 --> 00:09:26,066 The man who convinced you to cancel Columbus Day 239 00:09:26,233 --> 00:09:27,442 is a fraud. 240 00:09:27,609 --> 00:09:28,986 Who is this? 241 00:09:29,152 --> 00:09:30,946 You will go online and search Instagram 242 00:09:31,113 --> 00:09:33,073 for images of Randy Marsh. 243 00:09:33,240 --> 00:09:34,658 I most certainly will not. 244 00:09:34,825 --> 00:09:37,119 Randy Marsh is a hypocrite and a fake. 245 00:09:37,286 --> 00:09:40,205 You will be taken down with him when he is exposed. 246 00:09:40,372 --> 00:09:41,123 What's he saying? 247 00:09:41,290 --> 00:09:42,666 Shh! Mprphph mhprphm! 248 00:09:42,833 --> 00:09:44,167 We know where you live, 249 00:09:44,334 --> 00:09:46,169 and we know how to make you suffer. 250 00:09:46,336 --> 00:09:48,338 Now you listen here, Mr. Man. 251 00:09:48,505 --> 00:09:49,673 The Galtmans do not believe 252 00:09:49,840 --> 00:09:51,508 in social media or the Internet. 253 00:09:51,675 --> 00:09:54,177 It's all fake news. Fake news. 254 00:09:54,344 --> 00:09:56,263 Then speak with Marsh yourself. 255 00:09:56,430 --> 00:09:59,558 The truth is out there. 256 00:09:59,725 --> 00:10:00,892 Mrph. Rm rmhmhm rm mrph rmhmhm. 257 00:10:01,059 --> 00:10:03,312 Hmmm. Sounds like maybe the Galtmans 258 00:10:03,478 --> 00:10:05,063 need to check out Randy Marsh. 259 00:10:13,071 --> 00:10:15,157 Shelley, we've got an emergency! 260 00:10:15,324 --> 00:10:17,242 We're getting rid of all the Columbus stuff in this house! 261 00:10:17,409 --> 00:10:19,077 Any Columbus costumes, Columbus pictures -- 262 00:10:19,244 --> 00:10:20,495 They all got to go! 263 00:10:20,662 --> 00:10:22,664 I don't give a shit about Columbus. 264 00:10:22,831 --> 00:10:25,042 Sharon, Peter Galtman called. 265 00:10:25,208 --> 00:10:26,418 He sounds suspicious. We got to get rid 266 00:10:26,585 --> 00:10:27,669 of all our Columbus shot glasses and coffee cups. 267 00:10:27,836 --> 00:10:29,463 Where are they? 268 00:10:29,630 --> 00:10:31,465 Your Columbus shot glasses and coffee cups 269 00:10:31,632 --> 00:10:33,091 are in that cupboard. 270 00:10:33,258 --> 00:10:36,261 Shot glasses, coffee cups, towels, plates -- 271 00:10:36,428 --> 00:10:38,680 What about the Columbus figurine salt and pepper shakers? 272 00:10:38,847 --> 00:10:41,099 I don't know where you put them, Randy. 273 00:10:41,266 --> 00:10:42,684 Sharon, do you know what they'll do to us 274 00:10:42,851 --> 00:10:44,895 when they find out how stoked we were on Columbus? 275 00:10:45,062 --> 00:10:47,522 You were stoked on Columbus, Randy. Not me. 276 00:10:47,689 --> 00:10:48,649 Oh, really?! 277 00:10:48,815 --> 00:10:50,442 Did you forget our wedding?! 278 00:10:50,609 --> 00:10:52,194 That's you right there, 279 00:10:52,361 --> 00:10:53,862 standing there with a big smile on your face. 280 00:10:54,029 --> 00:10:55,530 You didn't say anything about it 281 00:10:55,697 --> 00:10:56,948 being insensitive then, did you? 282 00:10:57,115 --> 00:10:58,575 I actually was a little upset 283 00:10:58,742 --> 00:11:00,077 that you dressed up as Columbus for our wedding, 284 00:11:00,243 --> 00:11:02,037 - but I decided -- - Oh, now! 285 00:11:02,204 --> 00:11:04,706 You say that now, 'cause everyone's freaking out. 286 00:11:04,873 --> 00:11:07,084 But you were right there, going along with it! 287 00:11:07,250 --> 00:11:10,337 They're gonna be coming after you, too, Sharon! 288 00:11:10,504 --> 00:11:12,506 So you can just wipe that indigenous look off your face. 289 00:11:14,049 --> 00:11:16,176 Oh! That could be my DNA results! 290 00:11:16,343 --> 00:11:18,470 Here, take this stuff out back! 291 00:11:26,478 --> 00:11:28,939 Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no. 292 00:11:29,106 --> 00:11:32,901 I've never felt so alive until now. 293 00:11:33,068 --> 00:11:35,987 Thank you. Lo-Lovely flowers. Thank you. 294 00:11:38,824 --> 00:11:40,575 Galtman residence. 295 00:11:40,742 --> 00:11:42,577 Listen carefully if you want to live. 296 00:11:42,744 --> 00:11:45,539 You will make this Monday a school holiday. 297 00:11:45,706 --> 00:11:48,709 I spoke with Mr. Marsh, and he denied any wrong doing. 298 00:11:48,875 --> 00:11:49,876 Of course he did! 299 00:11:50,043 --> 00:11:51,586 That's what liars do! 300 00:11:51,753 --> 00:11:53,338 I don't think you're being intimidating enough. 301 00:11:53,505 --> 00:11:56,174 Yeah, get meaner, Kenny. Meaner like how, dude? 302 00:11:56,341 --> 00:11:57,718 I don't know, like -- like maybe say -- 303 00:11:57,884 --> 00:11:59,094 Like talk about cutting off his dick or something. 304 00:11:59,261 --> 00:12:00,929 We're gonna cut off your dick! 305 00:12:01,096 --> 00:12:02,848 No, dude. That's too far. 306 00:12:03,014 --> 00:12:04,516 Okay, okay, just say we're gonna cut off part of his dick. 307 00:12:04,683 --> 00:12:05,767 Just give me the phone. 308 00:12:05,934 --> 00:12:07,227 - Hello? - What? 309 00:12:07,394 --> 00:12:09,396 Randy Marsh is about to pay for what he's done. 310 00:12:09,563 --> 00:12:10,897 Protect him and you will pay, too. 311 00:12:11,064 --> 00:12:13,358 Time is running out. 312 00:12:13,525 --> 00:12:14,526 Jesus! 313 00:12:15,819 --> 00:12:18,822 Sharon, have you seen my Columbus staff and orb? 314 00:12:18,989 --> 00:12:20,615 I have not. 315 00:12:20,782 --> 00:12:22,284 Sharon, Galtman called again. 316 00:12:22,451 --> 00:12:24,244 Somebody is out there trying to get me in trouble. 317 00:12:24,411 --> 00:12:26,663 Randy, why don't you just admit to people 318 00:12:26,830 --> 00:12:28,999 that maybe you were somewhat overly excited 319 00:12:29,166 --> 00:12:31,585 about Columbus in the past. 320 00:12:31,752 --> 00:12:33,962 Everyone was excited about Columbus! 321 00:12:34,129 --> 00:12:36,256 For some reason, people are just pointing fingers at me. 322 00:12:36,423 --> 00:12:38,216 Just because he's suddenly not cool now 323 00:12:38,383 --> 00:12:40,969 doesn't mean I'm gonna be the F'ing scapegoat! 324 00:12:42,554 --> 00:12:45,974 I got to burn this stuff. 325 00:12:46,141 --> 00:12:47,976 Oh, God damn it. 326 00:12:48,143 --> 00:12:52,230 I wrote you a song to express my feelings for you. 327 00:12:52,397 --> 00:12:53,482 Will you get out of here?! 328 00:12:58,737 --> 00:13:02,032 ♪ And then he kissed me ♪ 329 00:13:02,199 --> 00:13:03,533 I didn't kiss you 'cause I like you. 330 00:13:07,621 --> 00:13:10,624 ♪ And then he kissed me ♪ 331 00:13:10,791 --> 00:13:12,167 Okay, okay. 332 00:13:14,377 --> 00:13:17,380 ♪ And the sun began to shine ♪ 333 00:13:17,547 --> 00:13:19,674 That's it. Get off my property! 334 00:13:19,841 --> 00:13:21,718 Randy, I cannot quit you. 335 00:13:21,885 --> 00:13:24,387 Get off my land, you piece of shit! 336 00:13:30,852 --> 00:13:32,020 Don't post that. 337 00:13:34,773 --> 00:13:38,360 Do not...post that. 338 00:13:38,527 --> 00:13:40,028 Shit! 339 00:13:43,907 --> 00:13:44,825 Guys, what are you doing? 340 00:13:44,991 --> 00:13:46,409 It's over, Eric. 341 00:13:46,576 --> 00:13:48,078 We have to come to school on Monday. 342 00:13:48,245 --> 00:13:49,621 Just face it. 343 00:13:49,788 --> 00:13:51,414 I'm not facing anything. We still have time. 344 00:13:51,581 --> 00:13:52,666 There has to be a way we can -- 345 00:13:52,833 --> 00:13:54,459 Dude, there's nothing we can do, all right? 346 00:13:54,626 --> 00:13:57,254 Oh, okay. I see. 347 00:13:57,420 --> 00:13:59,506 Is that what Columbus did? Just give up? 348 00:13:59,673 --> 00:14:02,592 On his dream? No. 349 00:14:02,759 --> 00:14:05,345 Columbus believed that kids should have a day off school. 350 00:14:05,512 --> 00:14:07,764 And even when his own country wouldn't support his cause, 351 00:14:07,931 --> 00:14:10,141 Columbus said, "Fine. I'll go find a new land 352 00:14:10,308 --> 00:14:11,810 where kids can have that day off." 353 00:14:11,977 --> 00:14:13,311 Eric, just let it go. 354 00:14:13,478 --> 00:14:15,647 And when Columbus sailed to distant places 355 00:14:15,814 --> 00:14:17,274 only to find people already there 356 00:14:17,440 --> 00:14:19,109 who said, "No! Stay off our land! 357 00:14:19,276 --> 00:14:21,194 We want our kids to have to go to school!" 358 00:14:21,361 --> 00:14:23,321 He said, "No! It's just one day in October. 359 00:14:23,488 --> 00:14:24,990 They need a break!" 360 00:14:25,156 --> 00:14:27,701 You guys can all give up, but I'm not. 361 00:14:27,868 --> 00:14:32,789 Because in 1492, Columbus got us all a day off school. 362 00:14:32,956 --> 00:14:35,166 With just three ships, he sailed over 363 00:14:35,333 --> 00:14:38,253 so we could have some 'me time' in October. 364 00:14:38,420 --> 00:14:39,963 And, yes, millions were slaughtered 365 00:14:40,130 --> 00:14:41,423 and throats were cut. 366 00:14:41,590 --> 00:14:43,675 But if we don't get that day off school, 367 00:14:43,842 --> 00:14:47,637 then for what? 368 00:14:47,804 --> 00:14:49,222 Come on, guys. 369 00:14:49,389 --> 00:14:50,432 There's something else we can try. 370 00:14:56,104 --> 00:14:57,814 - Sharon, good news! - What?! 371 00:14:57,981 --> 00:14:59,566 The people from the DNA test called! 372 00:14:59,733 --> 00:15:00,984 They're on their way over. You want to come down? 373 00:15:01,151 --> 00:15:02,611 I'm doing something. 374 00:15:02,777 --> 00:15:03,737 You sure? 375 00:15:03,904 --> 00:15:05,697 These results could be really interesting. 376 00:15:07,407 --> 00:15:09,492 Oh, God damn it! What the hell do you want? 377 00:15:09,659 --> 00:15:12,579 I want you to stop running from yourself. 378 00:15:12,746 --> 00:15:14,331 We could be so happy. 379 00:15:15,540 --> 00:15:17,250 Crap, it's them! 380 00:15:17,417 --> 00:15:19,127 Just a second! Be right there! Thanks! 381 00:15:19,294 --> 00:15:21,004 Get over here! 382 00:15:21,171 --> 00:15:23,214 I don't have any feelings for you. Do you understand? 383 00:15:23,381 --> 00:15:25,508 But, Randy, what about the -- 384 00:15:25,675 --> 00:15:28,178 No! No buts! There's nothing here. 385 00:15:28,345 --> 00:15:31,473 I'm not in love with you, got it?! 386 00:15:31,640 --> 00:15:32,933 Yes. 387 00:15:33,099 --> 00:15:34,935 Yes, I understand. 388 00:15:35,101 --> 00:15:37,437 Good. Now leave. 389 00:15:39,940 --> 00:15:42,943 Hi. Sorry. You guys have my results? 390 00:15:43,109 --> 00:15:44,861 Well, Mr. Marsh, we came because 391 00:15:45,028 --> 00:15:47,864 there was an irregularity with your test. 392 00:15:48,031 --> 00:15:49,658 What, you found something there you didn't expect to find? 393 00:15:49,824 --> 00:15:51,034 What is it? 394 00:15:51,201 --> 00:15:52,619 Well, it's just a little too odd. 395 00:15:52,786 --> 00:15:54,245 We need to do the test again. 396 00:15:54,412 --> 00:15:55,789 Do it again? That's not fair. 397 00:15:55,956 --> 00:15:57,165 Mr. Marsh, please, 398 00:15:57,332 --> 00:15:58,541 if we could just have one more sample. 399 00:15:58,708 --> 00:15:59,960 We want to be absolutely sure 400 00:16:00,126 --> 00:16:01,002 of what we found. 401 00:16:01,169 --> 00:16:02,837 Uh...okay, no problem. 402 00:16:03,004 --> 00:16:06,257 Give me -- Give me one sec. I'll be right back. 403 00:16:06,424 --> 00:16:09,010 Wait! Wait! 404 00:16:17,394 --> 00:16:19,270 Okay. Okay. All set. Let's do this. 405 00:16:19,437 --> 00:16:21,022 Ahh! 406 00:16:21,189 --> 00:16:23,692 Mr. Marsh, we were hoping to do a more precise test. 407 00:16:23,858 --> 00:16:25,443 It's better for harder cases like this, 408 00:16:25,610 --> 00:16:29,280 but it is an anal swab this time. 409 00:16:29,447 --> 00:16:31,116 An anal swab? 410 00:16:31,282 --> 00:16:34,577 Give me.. tw-- three minutes. 411 00:16:34,744 --> 00:16:36,454 Hey, where'd you go? 412 00:16:36,621 --> 00:16:37,747 Mr. Marsh, we're in a bit of a hurry 413 00:16:37,914 --> 00:16:39,165 if you don't mind. 414 00:16:39,332 --> 00:16:42,002 Oh. Oh, shit. 415 00:16:51,761 --> 00:16:54,139 All right, it's clear. Bring him in. 416 00:16:54,305 --> 00:16:55,515 Move your ass, Galtman! 417 00:16:55,682 --> 00:16:57,017 This is a violation of my rights. 418 00:16:57,183 --> 00:16:58,560 Just shut up and watch 419 00:16:58,727 --> 00:17:00,145 what someone posted on their Instagram! 420 00:17:00,311 --> 00:17:02,147 I most certainly will not! 421 00:17:02,313 --> 00:17:04,482 If you want me to look at the internet, I will die first. 422 00:17:04,649 --> 00:17:05,650 It's fake news. 423 00:17:06,860 --> 00:17:09,320 That's why we had it transferred to VHS. 424 00:17:09,487 --> 00:17:10,363 Oh. VHS is fine. 425 00:17:10,530 --> 00:17:12,073 Take off his blindfold. 426 00:17:14,075 --> 00:17:16,578 Get off my land, you piece of shit! 427 00:17:18,955 --> 00:17:20,123 Don't post that. 428 00:17:20,290 --> 00:17:21,541 Hmm. 429 00:17:36,723 --> 00:17:38,641 Oh, Mr. Marsh. 430 00:17:38,808 --> 00:17:41,978 Oh, hey! How are you? 431 00:17:42,145 --> 00:17:44,814 Good. What are you up to? 432 00:17:44,981 --> 00:17:47,692 Chillin', chillin'. 433 00:17:47,859 --> 00:17:51,029 Well, uh, we did get your DNA results back this morning. 434 00:17:51,196 --> 00:17:52,447 Would you like to go over them? 435 00:17:52,614 --> 00:17:54,324 Oh, you did? Oh, great. 436 00:17:54,491 --> 00:17:56,534 Sure. Why not? I'm here. 437 00:17:56,701 --> 00:17:58,411 Let's, uh... Let's do that. 438 00:17:58,578 --> 00:17:59,871 All right, Mr. Marsh, 439 00:18:00,038 --> 00:18:01,623 here's your DNAandMe portfolio. 440 00:18:01,790 --> 00:18:03,875 This shows that we actually found 441 00:18:04,042 --> 00:18:06,503 a mix of a few things in your regional ancestry. 442 00:18:06,669 --> 00:18:08,963 Really? Like Native American?! Like -- Like a little bit?! 443 00:18:09,130 --> 00:18:10,840 No, we didn't find any trace 444 00:18:11,007 --> 00:18:13,009 of any Native American DNA in your test... 445 00:18:13,176 --> 00:18:15,053 Nuts. 446 00:18:15,220 --> 00:18:16,846 But as you can see here, we found 447 00:18:17,013 --> 00:18:19,057 that you're about 43% Northern European, 448 00:18:19,224 --> 00:18:20,850 37% Mediterranean, 449 00:18:21,017 --> 00:18:23,311 and 18% Southwest Asian. 450 00:18:23,478 --> 00:18:26,064 In fact, your genetic profile most closely matches... 451 00:18:26,231 --> 00:18:28,233 your standard Caucasian British person. 452 00:18:29,859 --> 00:18:31,402 And you might be interested to know 453 00:18:31,569 --> 00:18:34,614 that you are actually 2.8 % Neanderthal, 454 00:18:34,781 --> 00:18:35,782 which is fairly high. 455 00:18:35,949 --> 00:18:36,991 Neanderthal? 456 00:18:37,158 --> 00:18:38,493 What the hell is that about? 457 00:18:38,660 --> 00:18:40,453 Well, the Neanderthals were actually a species 458 00:18:40,620 --> 00:18:42,080 that was wiped out by homo sapiens. 459 00:18:42,247 --> 00:18:44,958 Wiped out... all of my people? 460 00:18:45,125 --> 00:18:46,918 Yes, but you see, because of some cross breeding, 461 00:18:47,085 --> 00:18:49,045 some people like you still possess 462 00:18:49,212 --> 00:18:50,046 Neanderthal DNA. 463 00:18:50,213 --> 00:18:51,297 Isn't that interesting? 464 00:18:51,464 --> 00:18:54,092 Cross breeding? You mean rape. 465 00:18:54,259 --> 00:18:56,553 You're telling me that my ancestors 466 00:18:56,719 --> 00:18:59,139 were raped and then eradicated by you -- 467 00:18:59,305 --> 00:19:01,724 you maniacs?! 468 00:19:01,891 --> 00:19:03,852 The Earth wasn't big enough for Neanderthals, 469 00:19:04,018 --> 00:19:06,521 So your ancestors just got rid of them, huh?! 470 00:19:06,688 --> 00:19:09,774 Well, to hell with all of you! 471 00:19:19,659 --> 00:19:22,495 Well, well. Mr. Marsh. 472 00:19:22,662 --> 00:19:23,997 I'd like to have a word, please. 473 00:19:27,792 --> 00:19:29,335 You find this funny, Galtman?! 474 00:19:29,502 --> 00:19:30,962 What'd I do? 475 00:19:31,129 --> 00:19:32,463 Nobody had the guts 476 00:19:32,630 --> 00:19:34,465 to tell me what happened to my people, huh? 477 00:19:34,632 --> 00:19:36,301 Get the hell out of here! 478 00:19:36,467 --> 00:19:39,512 I brought my parents over so you could meet them. 479 00:19:39,679 --> 00:19:42,307 Oh, God! 480 00:19:42,473 --> 00:19:43,683 Don't worry. 481 00:19:43,850 --> 00:19:46,978 My parents are very okay and cool with us. 482 00:19:47,145 --> 00:19:48,730 Who the hell is that? 483 00:19:48,897 --> 00:19:51,274 Yeah, sure, everyone gang up on the Neanderthal! 484 00:19:51,441 --> 00:19:52,525 Isn't it funny?! 485 00:19:52,692 --> 00:19:55,361 Randy, you must face who you are. 486 00:19:55,528 --> 00:19:57,739 Stop pretending, Randy. 487 00:19:57,906 --> 00:20:02,118 For once, just allow yourself to feel. 488 00:20:04,787 --> 00:20:08,249 You're right. You're right. 489 00:20:08,416 --> 00:20:12,128 It's only now, when everyone's being so indigenous to me, 490 00:20:12,295 --> 00:20:16,007 That I realize how indigenous I've been acting all along. 491 00:20:16,174 --> 00:20:19,344 I thought being a victim would solve all my problems. 492 00:20:19,510 --> 00:20:21,971 But being a victim has a downside, too. 493 00:20:22,138 --> 00:20:24,933 Mr. Galtman, I haven't been honest. 494 00:20:25,099 --> 00:20:29,229 It's time for us all to be honest. 495 00:20:29,395 --> 00:20:32,565 What is a holiday? 496 00:20:32,732 --> 00:20:35,818 It's a day off work, yes, a day off school. 497 00:20:35,985 --> 00:20:39,781 But holidays are also meant to be a time to reflect. 498 00:20:39,948 --> 00:20:42,533 Today, I'm happy to announce 499 00:20:42,700 --> 00:20:44,327 that the school calendar committee 500 00:20:44,494 --> 00:20:46,329 is reinstating the day off. 501 00:20:48,373 --> 00:20:51,000 But instead of glorifying anyone, 502 00:20:51,167 --> 00:20:52,961 let us make it a holiday 503 00:20:53,127 --> 00:20:56,089 about the negative feelings that we all sometimes feel, 504 00:20:56,256 --> 00:20:59,175 say what we're really thinking so we can move on. 505 00:20:59,342 --> 00:21:01,302 And so, the second Monday of October 506 00:21:01,469 --> 00:21:03,221 will still be a holiday. 507 00:21:03,388 --> 00:21:04,931 But instead of Columbus Day, 508 00:21:05,098 --> 00:21:06,557 it will be for ripping on each other 509 00:21:06,724 --> 00:21:08,184 and tearing each other down, 510 00:21:08,351 --> 00:21:11,062 and we will call it Indigenous Peoples Day. 511 00:21:11,229 --> 00:21:14,065 For, perhaps, if we all do it at the same time, 512 00:21:14,232 --> 00:21:17,026 we won't be so indigenous the rest of the year. 513 00:21:17,193 --> 00:21:19,862 And since this is the second Monday of October, 514 00:21:20,029 --> 00:21:22,240 let's all embrace the new meaning of the holiday 515 00:21:22,407 --> 00:21:23,533 starting right now. 516 00:21:23,700 --> 00:21:25,076 Do you even know 517 00:21:25,243 --> 00:21:26,828 what indigenous means, you frickin' idiot? 518 00:21:26,995 --> 00:21:28,496 That's the spirit, Dave! Come on! 519 00:21:28,663 --> 00:21:30,623 Everybody, let's just all be totally indigenous! 520 00:21:30,790 --> 00:21:31,291 Come on! 521 00:21:31,457 --> 00:21:34,043 Who the hell let this guy talk to the school counsel? 522 00:21:34,210 --> 00:21:35,878 Good one, Kurt. Your wife's a whore. 523 00:21:36,045 --> 00:21:37,297 Come on, everyone! 524 00:21:37,463 --> 00:21:39,048 Indigenous Peoples Day! Let's go for it! 525 00:21:39,215 --> 00:21:41,050 Shut up, and get off the podium! 526 00:21:41,217 --> 00:21:43,261 Okay. I will in a second, fatso. 527 00:21:43,428 --> 00:21:44,637 All right. Who else? 528 00:21:44,804 --> 00:21:46,306 Come on! Get it out of your system! 529 00:21:46,472 --> 00:21:48,099 Happy Indigenous Peoples Day, everyone. 530 00:21:48,266 --> 00:21:49,100 Suck my asshole.