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♪ I'm goin' down to South Park,
gonna have myself a time ♪
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00:00:12,013 --> 00:00:13,848
♪ Friendly faces everywhere ♪
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♪ Humble folks
without temptation ♪
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♪ Goin' down to South Park,
gonna leave my woes behind ♪
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♪ Ample parking day or night ♪
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♪ People spouting,
"Howdy, neighbor!" ♪
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♪ Heading on up to South Park,
gonna see if I can't unwind ♪
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♪ Mrph rmhmhm rm!
Mrph rmhmhm rm! ♪
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♪ Come on down to South Park
and meet some friends of mine ♪
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This is an outrage!
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This a violation
of our human rights!
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Dude, what the hell
is going on?
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You didn't hear
the announcement?
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They just canceled
Columbus Day.
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We have to come to school
on Monday!
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They what?!
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They can't do this!
We made plans!
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Some asshole went
and convinced the school board
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that Columbus Day is racist
and should be eliminated.
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You can't take away
a day off.
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We're just
innocent children!
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Dude. What asshole would
take away a holiday?
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My name is Peter Galtman.
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I am the head of
the school calendar committee.
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I have decided the school
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will not celebrate
Columbus Day this year.
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I realize this is
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a hot-button issue
for many families,
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but one parent in particular
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has really swayed my opinion
with his passion --
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Mr. Randy Marsh.
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Mr. Marsh pointed out to me
the hypocrisy
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of glorifying
a genocidal murderer.
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And Mr. Marsh is, right now,
also working
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on having the Columbus statue
taken down in Canyon City.
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Come on, everybody!
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Let's take
this fuckin' thing down!
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Yeah!! Yeah!
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Take it down!
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Columbus was a mass murderer!
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Tear it down!
Tear it down!
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Yeah!
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Okay, it's not working.
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We almost got it, guys!
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Come on!
Throw the rope, Stan!
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Good. That's good!
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Okay,
hit the gas, Nelson!
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We got it,
everybody!
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To hell with you,
Columbus, you --
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Whoa, whoa, whoa!
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Hey, dude.
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Dude, did you know
it's your dad
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who's getting the school
to cancel Columbus Day?
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Yeah. Dude, I don't know
what's going on.
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He's really serious
about this.
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Well, you got to
do something.
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If you get him to back down,
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maybe the school
will reconsider.
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I can't get him
to back down.
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Stan, I have to deal
with my mom
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doing shit like this
all the time,
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but she's never tried
to take away a holiday.
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I'm your best friend,
but I can't have your back
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when the guys
find out about this.
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I'll try, okay?
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I got to go.
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Okay, Stan.
you got your phone?
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We need to call
everyone on this list.
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They all live
in the same city.
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Dad, listen, you need
to ease off a little here, okay?
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Stan, it's not right
that people celebrate a man
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who wiped out
millions of people
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for his own glory.
Let's go.
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Hello, is this, uh,
Howard Peterson?
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You live in Columbus, Ohio.
Is that correct?
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00:03:06,729 --> 00:03:09,148
Yeah?
You racist piece of shit.
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You heard me.
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You're an
intolerant pig.
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Oh, you're not?
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You just choose to live in a
city named for ethnic cleansing?
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No, fuck you.
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Rename your city, asshole.
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Hello?
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Okay, next one.
Come on. Get calling, Stan.
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Dad, come on.
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We all get your point,
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but don't you think
you're overdoing it?
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You have to overdo
it in today's society, Stan.
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You can't be nuanced
and subtle anymore
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or else critics go, "Wow,
what was the point of that?"
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Hi, Francis Melman?
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Hey! How are you,
you fuckin' racist?
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Christopher Columbus --
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explorer, pioneer.
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Is he someone
who should be appreciated?
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Or was he
just a douche?
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For years. Columbus Circle
has been a landmark
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and photogenic intersection
in New York City.
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So it came as a surprise
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when someone defecated
on the statue earlier today.
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I'm joined now by the man
who did the actual defecating,
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Mr. Randy Marsh
of South Park, Colorado.
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Good evening!
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00:04:03,410 --> 00:04:05,412
Mr. Marsh, you took a dump
on the beloved statue that
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00:04:05,579 --> 00:04:07,039
has been an icon here
in the city for years.
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What was your reasoning?
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00:04:08,582 --> 00:04:10,167
Well, I just
have a problem
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with the racist people
of this city.
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"Yee-haw!
I'm from New York.
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I drive around
a big circle
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that celebrates a guy
who murdered Native Americans.
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Shoo wee!"
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So, you're doing this
because of indigenous peoples
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and their feelings?
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I don't care
if people get indigenous.
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I'll crap all over
their statues.
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I'm the one who's indigenous
that this landmark even exists!
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Uh, uh...
ba-back to you, Tom.
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It ain't right.
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They make you
work like a dog
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and then just tear away
your one day off in October
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00:04:45,744 --> 00:04:47,246
like you're
a piece of trash.
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Hey, guys.
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Boo! Boo!
Nobody likes you, Stan.
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Look, I tried talking
to him, all right?
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He's just really against
all the things Columbus did.
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Does anybody know
what Columbus actually did?
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Yeah. In 1492, Columbus got us
a day off school.
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That's what matters.
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00:05:02,386 --> 00:05:03,887
No. No, wait, guys.
Maybe that's it.
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00:05:04,054 --> 00:05:05,556
When I'm dealing
with my mom,
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00:05:05,723 --> 00:05:07,516
sometimes it works to be
on her side for a minute.
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00:05:07,683 --> 00:05:09,143
Maybe we should find out
all the things
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00:05:09,310 --> 00:05:10,436
people find offensive
about Columbus and --
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And then totally act
like we care.
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I like it, Kyle.
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I'll just look up
"Columbus, offensive, inflammatory..."
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Yeah, this is sweet.
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It's like that movie where the dude pretended
to be on the monster's side.
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00:05:19,528 --> 00:05:20,904
You know, with the guy and the chick
that had the wife beater on,
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00:05:21,071 --> 00:05:22,072
but her boobs were sweaty
so you could see them.
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Oh, I love
that movie!
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Yeah, this is
a lot like that.
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What'd you find, Kyle?
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Nothing.
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Dang it!
There's nothing?
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00:05:29,496 --> 00:05:31,915
Stan, can I talk to you
for a minute?
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00:05:32,082 --> 00:05:34,543
What? What?
What the hell was that?
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00:05:37,046 --> 00:05:37,921
Hey, Dad?
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00:05:38,088 --> 00:05:39,506
Not now, Stan.
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00:05:39,673 --> 00:05:41,091
I'm working on a proposal
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00:05:41,258 --> 00:05:43,135
to change British Colombia
to just British.
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00:05:43,302 --> 00:05:45,554
But, Dad, Kyle
found a picture on Instagram.
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00:05:45,721 --> 00:05:47,389
It pretty much looks like you
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00:05:47,556 --> 00:05:49,767
dressed as Columbus
at a Halloween party.
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00:05:51,310 --> 00:05:52,561
Where did you get that?
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If you hate Columbus
so much,
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00:05:53,937 --> 00:05:55,189
why'd you
dress up like him?
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Look, that was
a long time ago. Okay?
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00:05:57,524 --> 00:05:59,234
Just a dumb
Halloween costume.
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Yeah, but...
here's you
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dressed as Columbus
at a formal dinner,
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00:06:02,529 --> 00:06:03,113
and here's you
dressed as Columbus
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00:06:03,280 --> 00:06:04,698
at a football game.
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00:06:04,865 --> 00:06:06,784
And you as Columbus
on St. Patrick's day.
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Look, I was younger!
We were all younger.
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It was another time.
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You have to understand,
it was 2013.
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Everyone was stoked
on Columbus back then.
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Yeah, but, Dad, you seem to be
really stoked on Columbus.
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00:06:20,255 --> 00:06:22,341
If you guys found
those pictures online,
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00:06:22,508 --> 00:06:25,094
it's only a matter of time
before everyone else does.
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People won't care
about what I do now.
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They'll just see me
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00:06:29,139 --> 00:06:32,351
as a thoughtless,
indigenous son of a bitch.
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Randy, do you mind cleaning out
the garage like I asked?
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00:06:40,567 --> 00:06:41,902
What's the point, Sharon?
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00:06:42,069 --> 00:06:43,779
Soon they're gonna be
coming after me.
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Ugh.
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00:06:46,865 --> 00:06:48,575
Hey, you!
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00:06:48,742 --> 00:06:50,411
That's right, you!
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00:06:50,577 --> 00:06:53,163
Wouldn't you like to know
the story of you?
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00:06:53,330 --> 00:06:55,374
What makes you, you?
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00:06:55,541 --> 00:06:57,376
DNAandMe
is a genetic service
185
00:06:57,543 --> 00:06:59,128
that can help you find out
186
00:06:59,294 --> 00:07:01,088
exactly who
your ancestors were.
187
00:07:01,255 --> 00:07:02,798
You might be surprised.
188
00:07:02,965 --> 00:07:05,092
I thought I was just
a standard white guy.
189
00:07:05,259 --> 00:07:07,177
But DNAandMe showed
190
00:07:07,344 --> 00:07:10,848
that I'm actually
4.2% Cherokee Indian.
191
00:07:11,014 --> 00:07:13,058
Turns out
I'm not totally white.
192
00:07:13,225 --> 00:07:16,145
I'm also part Northern Asian,
and even some Kurdish!
193
00:07:16,311 --> 00:07:18,021
I'm a victim of oppression!
194
00:07:18,188 --> 00:07:20,858
I used to get in trouble
for always using the "N" word.
195
00:07:21,024 --> 00:07:25,070
But with DNAandMe, I found out
that I'm 2. 1% black!
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00:07:25,237 --> 00:07:25,863
Morning, Steve.
197
00:07:26,029 --> 00:07:27,656
'Sup, nigga.
198
00:07:27,823 --> 00:07:29,241
The test is easy.
199
00:07:29,408 --> 00:07:30,784
Simply swab
the inside of your mouth
200
00:07:30,951 --> 00:07:32,494
and send it in
to our labs.
201
00:07:32,661 --> 00:07:34,621
People made fun of me
for being French.
202
00:07:34,788 --> 00:07:37,416
DNAandMe showed
I was 8% Navajo.
203
00:07:37,583 --> 00:07:39,001
Nobody's making fun of me now,
204
00:07:39,168 --> 00:07:40,836
or my people,
who were victims.
205
00:07:41,003 --> 00:07:42,754
I'm 13% victim!
206
00:07:42,921 --> 00:07:44,506
I'm 21% victim.
207
00:07:44,673 --> 00:07:46,425
Order now and find out
208
00:07:46,592 --> 00:07:48,760
if your friends should be
more sympathetic towards you.
209
00:07:48,927 --> 00:07:51,805
DNAandMe.
Are you in?
210
00:07:51,972 --> 00:07:53,849
Hell fuckin' yes,
I'm in.
211
00:08:07,488 --> 00:08:12,910
All right. Everyone's here.
Let's do this.
212
00:08:13,076 --> 00:08:14,495
Here you go,
just like I said.
213
00:08:14,661 --> 00:08:16,914
$100 cash.
No questions asked.
214
00:08:17,080 --> 00:08:18,499
Are we good?
215
00:08:19,416 --> 00:08:21,043
Good.
No talking. Perfect.
216
00:08:21,210 --> 00:08:23,795
Okay.
Let's get this over with.
217
00:08:34,806 --> 00:08:35,891
Thank you.
218
00:08:36,058 --> 00:08:38,435
Do not talk of this
to anyone.
219
00:08:41,313 --> 00:08:43,690
All right, everybody!
Hey, thanks for coming.
220
00:08:43,857 --> 00:08:45,150
If, uh, I can have
your attention, please,
221
00:08:45,317 --> 00:08:47,069
I think we're ready
to get started.
222
00:08:47,236 --> 00:08:48,570
Uh, Mr. Marsh, you know
223
00:08:48,737 --> 00:08:50,030
none of this
was really necessary.
224
00:08:50,197 --> 00:08:51,698
For DNAandMe testing,
225
00:08:51,865 --> 00:08:53,450
you can just swab the inside
of your mouth yourself
226
00:08:53,617 --> 00:08:55,244
and send it in the mail.
227
00:08:55,410 --> 00:08:57,329
Yeah, I know, but I just --
I was really excited about it,
228
00:08:57,496 --> 00:08:59,540
wanted everyone
to witness my test.
229
00:08:59,706 --> 00:09:00,874
Well, to each their own,
I suppose.
230
00:09:01,041 --> 00:09:02,459
All right.
Open wide.
231
00:09:02,626 --> 00:09:06,505
Ahh...
232
00:09:06,672 --> 00:09:08,090
Okay. I'll get this
back to the lab
233
00:09:08,257 --> 00:09:09,758
and get the results to you
as soon as possible.
234
00:09:09,925 --> 00:09:12,386
Okay, great.
I'm very interested to see
235
00:09:12,553 --> 00:09:15,722
what those results
have to say.
236
00:09:20,519 --> 00:09:22,104
Galtman residence.
237
00:09:22,271 --> 00:09:23,939
Listen to me carefully.
238
00:09:24,106 --> 00:09:26,066
The man who convinced you
to cancel Columbus Day
239
00:09:26,233 --> 00:09:27,442
is a fraud.
240
00:09:27,609 --> 00:09:28,986
Who is this?
241
00:09:29,152 --> 00:09:30,946
You will go online
and search Instagram
242
00:09:31,113 --> 00:09:33,073
for images of Randy Marsh.
243
00:09:33,240 --> 00:09:34,658
I most certainly
will not.
244
00:09:34,825 --> 00:09:37,119
Randy Marsh is
a hypocrite and a fake.
245
00:09:37,286 --> 00:09:40,205
You will be taken down with him
when he is exposed.
246
00:09:40,372 --> 00:09:41,123
What's he saying?
247
00:09:41,290 --> 00:09:42,666
Shh!
Mprphph mhprphm!
248
00:09:42,833 --> 00:09:44,167
We know where you live,
249
00:09:44,334 --> 00:09:46,169
and we know how
to make you suffer.
250
00:09:46,336 --> 00:09:48,338
Now you listen here,
Mr. Man.
251
00:09:48,505 --> 00:09:49,673
The Galtmans
do not believe
252
00:09:49,840 --> 00:09:51,508
in social media
or the Internet.
253
00:09:51,675 --> 00:09:54,177
It's all fake news.
Fake news.
254
00:09:54,344 --> 00:09:56,263
Then speak
with Marsh yourself.
255
00:09:56,430 --> 00:09:59,558
The truth is out there.
256
00:09:59,725 --> 00:10:00,892
Mrph. Rm rmhmhm
rm mrph rmhmhm.
257
00:10:01,059 --> 00:10:03,312
Hmmm. Sounds like
maybe the Galtmans
258
00:10:03,478 --> 00:10:05,063
need to check out
Randy Marsh.
259
00:10:13,071 --> 00:10:15,157
Shelley,
we've got an emergency!
260
00:10:15,324 --> 00:10:17,242
We're getting rid of all the
Columbus stuff in this house!
261
00:10:17,409 --> 00:10:19,077
Any Columbus costumes,
Columbus pictures --
262
00:10:19,244 --> 00:10:20,495
They all got to go!
263
00:10:20,662 --> 00:10:22,664
I don't give a shit
about Columbus.
264
00:10:22,831 --> 00:10:25,042
Sharon,
Peter Galtman called.
265
00:10:25,208 --> 00:10:26,418
He sounds suspicious.
We got to get rid
266
00:10:26,585 --> 00:10:27,669
of all our Columbus shot glasses
and coffee cups.
267
00:10:27,836 --> 00:10:29,463
Where are they?
268
00:10:29,630 --> 00:10:31,465
Your Columbus shot glasses
and coffee cups
269
00:10:31,632 --> 00:10:33,091
are in that cupboard.
270
00:10:33,258 --> 00:10:36,261
Shot glasses, coffee cups,
towels, plates --
271
00:10:36,428 --> 00:10:38,680
What about the Columbus figurine
salt and pepper shakers?
272
00:10:38,847 --> 00:10:41,099
I don't know where
you put them, Randy.
273
00:10:41,266 --> 00:10:42,684
Sharon, do you know
what they'll do to us
274
00:10:42,851 --> 00:10:44,895
when they find out how stoked
we were on Columbus?
275
00:10:45,062 --> 00:10:47,522
You were stoked on Columbus,
Randy. Not me.
276
00:10:47,689 --> 00:10:48,649
Oh, really?!
277
00:10:48,815 --> 00:10:50,442
Did you forget
our wedding?!
278
00:10:50,609 --> 00:10:52,194
That's you right there,
279
00:10:52,361 --> 00:10:53,862
standing there
with a big smile on your face.
280
00:10:54,029 --> 00:10:55,530
You didn't say
anything about it
281
00:10:55,697 --> 00:10:56,948
being insensitive then,
did you?
282
00:10:57,115 --> 00:10:58,575
I actually was
a little upset
283
00:10:58,742 --> 00:11:00,077
that you dressed up as Columbus
for our wedding,
284
00:11:00,243 --> 00:11:02,037
- but I decided --
- Oh, now!
285
00:11:02,204 --> 00:11:04,706
You say that now, 'cause
everyone's freaking out.
286
00:11:04,873 --> 00:11:07,084
But you were right there,
going along with it!
287
00:11:07,250 --> 00:11:10,337
They're gonna be coming
after you, too, Sharon!
288
00:11:10,504 --> 00:11:12,506
So you can just wipe that
indigenous look off your face.
289
00:11:14,049 --> 00:11:16,176
Oh! That could be
my DNA results!
290
00:11:16,343 --> 00:11:18,470
Here, take this stuff
out back!
291
00:11:26,478 --> 00:11:28,939
Oh, no, no, no,
no, no, no.
292
00:11:29,106 --> 00:11:32,901
I've never felt so alive
until now.
293
00:11:33,068 --> 00:11:35,987
Thank you.
Lo-Lovely flowers. Thank you.
294
00:11:38,824 --> 00:11:40,575
Galtman residence.
295
00:11:40,742 --> 00:11:42,577
Listen carefully
if you want to live.
296
00:11:42,744 --> 00:11:45,539
You will make this Monday
a school holiday.
297
00:11:45,706 --> 00:11:48,709
I spoke with Mr. Marsh,
and he denied any wrong doing.
298
00:11:48,875 --> 00:11:49,876
Of course he did!
299
00:11:50,043 --> 00:11:51,586
That's what liars do!
300
00:11:51,753 --> 00:11:53,338
I don't think you're being
intimidating enough.
301
00:11:53,505 --> 00:11:56,174
Yeah, get meaner, Kenny.
Meaner like how, dude?
302
00:11:56,341 --> 00:11:57,718
I don't know, like -- like maybe say --
303
00:11:57,884 --> 00:11:59,094
Like talk about cutting off
his dick or something.
304
00:11:59,261 --> 00:12:00,929
We're gonna
cut off your dick!
305
00:12:01,096 --> 00:12:02,848
No, dude.
That's too far.
306
00:12:03,014 --> 00:12:04,516
Okay, okay, just say we're gonna cut off
part of his dick.
307
00:12:04,683 --> 00:12:05,767
Just give me
the phone.
308
00:12:05,934 --> 00:12:07,227
- Hello?
- What?
309
00:12:07,394 --> 00:12:09,396
Randy Marsh is about to pay
for what he's done.
310
00:12:09,563 --> 00:12:10,897
Protect him
and you will pay, too.
311
00:12:11,064 --> 00:12:13,358
Time is running out.
312
00:12:13,525 --> 00:12:14,526
Jesus!
313
00:12:15,819 --> 00:12:18,822
Sharon, have you seen
my Columbus staff and orb?
314
00:12:18,989 --> 00:12:20,615
I have not.
315
00:12:20,782 --> 00:12:22,284
Sharon, Galtman
called again.
316
00:12:22,451 --> 00:12:24,244
Somebody is out there trying to
get me in trouble.
317
00:12:24,411 --> 00:12:26,663
Randy, why don't you just
admit to people
318
00:12:26,830 --> 00:12:28,999
that maybe you were
somewhat overly excited
319
00:12:29,166 --> 00:12:31,585
about Columbus in the past.
320
00:12:31,752 --> 00:12:33,962
Everyone was excited
about Columbus!
321
00:12:34,129 --> 00:12:36,256
For some reason, people are just
pointing fingers at me.
322
00:12:36,423 --> 00:12:38,216
Just because he's suddenly
not cool now
323
00:12:38,383 --> 00:12:40,969
doesn't mean I'm gonna be
the F'ing scapegoat!
324
00:12:42,554 --> 00:12:45,974
I got to burn
this stuff.
325
00:12:46,141 --> 00:12:47,976
Oh, God damn it.
326
00:12:48,143 --> 00:12:52,230
I wrote you a song
to express my feelings for you.
327
00:12:52,397 --> 00:12:53,482
Will you
get out of here?!
328
00:12:58,737 --> 00:13:02,032
♪ And then he kissed me ♪
329
00:13:02,199 --> 00:13:03,533
I didn't kiss you
'cause I like you.
330
00:13:07,621 --> 00:13:10,624
♪ And then he kissed me ♪
331
00:13:10,791 --> 00:13:12,167
Okay, okay.
332
00:13:14,377 --> 00:13:17,380
♪ And the sun
began to shine ♪
333
00:13:17,547 --> 00:13:19,674
That's it.
Get off my property!
334
00:13:19,841 --> 00:13:21,718
Randy,
I cannot quit you.
335
00:13:21,885 --> 00:13:24,387
Get off my land,
you piece of shit!
336
00:13:30,852 --> 00:13:32,020
Don't post that.
337
00:13:34,773 --> 00:13:38,360
Do not...post that.
338
00:13:38,527 --> 00:13:40,028
Shit!
339
00:13:43,907 --> 00:13:44,825
Guys, what are
you doing?
340
00:13:44,991 --> 00:13:46,409
It's over, Eric.
341
00:13:46,576 --> 00:13:48,078
We have to come to school
on Monday.
342
00:13:48,245 --> 00:13:49,621
Just face it.
343
00:13:49,788 --> 00:13:51,414
I'm not facing anything.
We still have time.
344
00:13:51,581 --> 00:13:52,666
There has to be
a way we can --
345
00:13:52,833 --> 00:13:54,459
Dude, there's nothing
we can do, all right?
346
00:13:54,626 --> 00:13:57,254
Oh, okay. I see.
347
00:13:57,420 --> 00:13:59,506
Is that what Columbus did?
Just give up?
348
00:13:59,673 --> 00:14:02,592
On his dream?
No.
349
00:14:02,759 --> 00:14:05,345
Columbus believed that kids
should have a day off school.
350
00:14:05,512 --> 00:14:07,764
And even when his own country
wouldn't support his cause,
351
00:14:07,931 --> 00:14:10,141
Columbus said, "Fine.
I'll go find a new land
352
00:14:10,308 --> 00:14:11,810
where kids
can have that day off."
353
00:14:11,977 --> 00:14:13,311
Eric, just let it go.
354
00:14:13,478 --> 00:14:15,647
And when Columbus
sailed to distant places
355
00:14:15,814 --> 00:14:17,274
only to find people
already there
356
00:14:17,440 --> 00:14:19,109
who said, "No!
Stay off our land!
357
00:14:19,276 --> 00:14:21,194
We want our kids
to have to go to school!"
358
00:14:21,361 --> 00:14:23,321
He said, "No!
It's just one day in October.
359
00:14:23,488 --> 00:14:24,990
They need a break!"
360
00:14:25,156 --> 00:14:27,701
You guys can all give up,
but I'm not.
361
00:14:27,868 --> 00:14:32,789
Because in 1492, Columbus
got us all a day off school.
362
00:14:32,956 --> 00:14:35,166
With just three ships,
he sailed over
363
00:14:35,333 --> 00:14:38,253
so we could have
some 'me time' in October.
364
00:14:38,420 --> 00:14:39,963
And, yes,
millions were slaughtered
365
00:14:40,130 --> 00:14:41,423
and throats were cut.
366
00:14:41,590 --> 00:14:43,675
But if we don't get
that day off school,
367
00:14:43,842 --> 00:14:47,637
then for what?
368
00:14:47,804 --> 00:14:49,222
Come on, guys.
369
00:14:49,389 --> 00:14:50,432
There's something else
we can try.
370
00:14:56,104 --> 00:14:57,814
- Sharon, good news!
- What?!
371
00:14:57,981 --> 00:14:59,566
The people from the DNA test
called!
372
00:14:59,733 --> 00:15:00,984
They're on their way over.
You want to come down?
373
00:15:01,151 --> 00:15:02,611
I'm doing something.
374
00:15:02,777 --> 00:15:03,737
You sure?
375
00:15:03,904 --> 00:15:05,697
These results could
be really interesting.
376
00:15:07,407 --> 00:15:09,492
Oh, God damn it!
What the hell do you want?
377
00:15:09,659 --> 00:15:12,579
I want you to stop
running from yourself.
378
00:15:12,746 --> 00:15:14,331
We could be so happy.
379
00:15:15,540 --> 00:15:17,250
Crap, it's them!
380
00:15:17,417 --> 00:15:19,127
Just a second! Be right there!
Thanks!
381
00:15:19,294 --> 00:15:21,004
Get over here!
382
00:15:21,171 --> 00:15:23,214
I don't have any feelings
for you. Do you understand?
383
00:15:23,381 --> 00:15:25,508
But, Randy,
what about the --
384
00:15:25,675 --> 00:15:28,178
No! No buts!
There's nothing here.
385
00:15:28,345 --> 00:15:31,473
I'm not in love with you,
got it?!
386
00:15:31,640 --> 00:15:32,933
Yes.
387
00:15:33,099 --> 00:15:34,935
Yes, I understand.
388
00:15:35,101 --> 00:15:37,437
Good. Now leave.
389
00:15:39,940 --> 00:15:42,943
Hi. Sorry.
You guys have my results?
390
00:15:43,109 --> 00:15:44,861
Well, Mr. Marsh,
we came because
391
00:15:45,028 --> 00:15:47,864
there was an irregularity
with your test.
392
00:15:48,031 --> 00:15:49,658
What, you found something there
you didn't expect to find?
393
00:15:49,824 --> 00:15:51,034
What is it?
394
00:15:51,201 --> 00:15:52,619
Well, it's just
a little too odd.
395
00:15:52,786 --> 00:15:54,245
We need to do
the test again.
396
00:15:54,412 --> 00:15:55,789
Do it again?
That's not fair.
397
00:15:55,956 --> 00:15:57,165
Mr. Marsh, please,
398
00:15:57,332 --> 00:15:58,541
if we could just have
one more sample.
399
00:15:58,708 --> 00:15:59,960
We want to be
absolutely sure
400
00:16:00,126 --> 00:16:01,002
of what we found.
401
00:16:01,169 --> 00:16:02,837
Uh...okay,
no problem.
402
00:16:03,004 --> 00:16:06,257
Give me -- Give me
one sec. I'll be right back.
403
00:16:06,424 --> 00:16:09,010
Wait! Wait!
404
00:16:17,394 --> 00:16:19,270
Okay. Okay.
All set. Let's do this.
405
00:16:19,437 --> 00:16:21,022
Ahh!
406
00:16:21,189 --> 00:16:23,692
Mr. Marsh, we were hoping
to do a more precise test.
407
00:16:23,858 --> 00:16:25,443
It's better
for harder cases like this,
408
00:16:25,610 --> 00:16:29,280
but it is an anal swab
this time.
409
00:16:29,447 --> 00:16:31,116
An anal swab?
410
00:16:31,282 --> 00:16:34,577
Give me..
tw-- three minutes.
411
00:16:34,744 --> 00:16:36,454
Hey, where'd you go?
412
00:16:36,621 --> 00:16:37,747
Mr. Marsh, we're in
a bit of a hurry
413
00:16:37,914 --> 00:16:39,165
if you don't mind.
414
00:16:39,332 --> 00:16:42,002
Oh.
Oh, shit.
415
00:16:51,761 --> 00:16:54,139
All right, it's clear.
Bring him in.
416
00:16:54,305 --> 00:16:55,515
Move your ass,
Galtman!
417
00:16:55,682 --> 00:16:57,017
This is a violation
of my rights.
418
00:16:57,183 --> 00:16:58,560
Just shut up
and watch
419
00:16:58,727 --> 00:17:00,145
what someone posted
on their Instagram!
420
00:17:00,311 --> 00:17:02,147
I most certainly
will not!
421
00:17:02,313 --> 00:17:04,482
If you want me to look at
the internet, I will die first.
422
00:17:04,649 --> 00:17:05,650
It's fake news.
423
00:17:06,860 --> 00:17:09,320
That's why we had it
transferred to VHS.
424
00:17:09,487 --> 00:17:10,363
Oh.
VHS is fine.
425
00:17:10,530 --> 00:17:12,073
Take off
his blindfold.
426
00:17:14,075 --> 00:17:16,578
Get off my land,
you piece of shit!
427
00:17:18,955 --> 00:17:20,123
Don't post that.
428
00:17:20,290 --> 00:17:21,541
Hmm.
429
00:17:36,723 --> 00:17:38,641
Oh, Mr. Marsh.
430
00:17:38,808 --> 00:17:41,978
Oh, hey!
How are you?
431
00:17:42,145 --> 00:17:44,814
Good.
What are you up to?
432
00:17:44,981 --> 00:17:47,692
Chillin', chillin'.
433
00:17:47,859 --> 00:17:51,029
Well, uh, we did get your DNA
results back this morning.
434
00:17:51,196 --> 00:17:52,447
Would you like to go over them?
435
00:17:52,614 --> 00:17:54,324
Oh, you did?
Oh, great.
436
00:17:54,491 --> 00:17:56,534
Sure.
Why not? I'm here.
437
00:17:56,701 --> 00:17:58,411
Let's, uh...
Let's do that.
438
00:17:58,578 --> 00:17:59,871
All right, Mr. Marsh,
439
00:18:00,038 --> 00:18:01,623
here's your
DNAandMe portfolio.
440
00:18:01,790 --> 00:18:03,875
This shows
that we actually found
441
00:18:04,042 --> 00:18:06,503
a mix of a few things
in your regional ancestry.
442
00:18:06,669 --> 00:18:08,963
Really? Like Native American?!
Like -- Like a little bit?!
443
00:18:09,130 --> 00:18:10,840
No, we didn't find any trace
444
00:18:11,007 --> 00:18:13,009
of any Native American DNA
in your test...
445
00:18:13,176 --> 00:18:15,053
Nuts.
446
00:18:15,220 --> 00:18:16,846
But as you can see here,
we found
447
00:18:17,013 --> 00:18:19,057
that you're about
43% Northern European,
448
00:18:19,224 --> 00:18:20,850
37% Mediterranean,
449
00:18:21,017 --> 00:18:23,311
and 18% Southwest Asian.
450
00:18:23,478 --> 00:18:26,064
In fact, your genetic profile
most closely matches...
451
00:18:26,231 --> 00:18:28,233
your standard
Caucasian British person.
452
00:18:29,859 --> 00:18:31,402
And you might
be interested to know
453
00:18:31,569 --> 00:18:34,614
that you are actually
2.8 % Neanderthal,
454
00:18:34,781 --> 00:18:35,782
which is fairly high.
455
00:18:35,949 --> 00:18:36,991
Neanderthal?
456
00:18:37,158 --> 00:18:38,493
What the hell is that about?
457
00:18:38,660 --> 00:18:40,453
Well, the Neanderthals
were actually a species
458
00:18:40,620 --> 00:18:42,080
that was wiped out
by homo sapiens.
459
00:18:42,247 --> 00:18:44,958
Wiped out...
all of my people?
460
00:18:45,125 --> 00:18:46,918
Yes, but you see,
because of some cross breeding,
461
00:18:47,085 --> 00:18:49,045
some people like you
still possess
462
00:18:49,212 --> 00:18:50,046
Neanderthal DNA.
463
00:18:50,213 --> 00:18:51,297
Isn't that interesting?
464
00:18:51,464 --> 00:18:54,092
Cross breeding?
You mean rape.
465
00:18:54,259 --> 00:18:56,553
You're telling me
that my ancestors
466
00:18:56,719 --> 00:18:59,139
were raped
and then eradicated by you --
467
00:18:59,305 --> 00:19:01,724
you maniacs?!
468
00:19:01,891 --> 00:19:03,852
The Earth wasn't big enough
for Neanderthals,
469
00:19:04,018 --> 00:19:06,521
So your ancestors
just got rid of them, huh?!
470
00:19:06,688 --> 00:19:09,774
Well, to hell with all of you!
471
00:19:19,659 --> 00:19:22,495
Well, well.
Mr. Marsh.
472
00:19:22,662 --> 00:19:23,997
I'd like to have a word, please.
473
00:19:27,792 --> 00:19:29,335
You find this funny,
Galtman?!
474
00:19:29,502 --> 00:19:30,962
What'd I do?
475
00:19:31,129 --> 00:19:32,463
Nobody had the guts
476
00:19:32,630 --> 00:19:34,465
to tell me what happened
to my people, huh?
477
00:19:34,632 --> 00:19:36,301
Get the hell out of here!
478
00:19:36,467 --> 00:19:39,512
I brought my parents over
so you could meet them.
479
00:19:39,679 --> 00:19:42,307
Oh, God!
480
00:19:42,473 --> 00:19:43,683
Don't worry.
481
00:19:43,850 --> 00:19:46,978
My parents are very okay
and cool with us.
482
00:19:47,145 --> 00:19:48,730
Who the hell is that?
483
00:19:48,897 --> 00:19:51,274
Yeah, sure, everyone gang up
on the Neanderthal!
484
00:19:51,441 --> 00:19:52,525
Isn't it funny?!
485
00:19:52,692 --> 00:19:55,361
Randy, you must face
who you are.
486
00:19:55,528 --> 00:19:57,739
Stop pretending, Randy.
487
00:19:57,906 --> 00:20:02,118
For once, just allow
yourself to feel.
488
00:20:04,787 --> 00:20:08,249
You're right.
You're right.
489
00:20:08,416 --> 00:20:12,128
It's only now, when everyone's
being so indigenous to me,
490
00:20:12,295 --> 00:20:16,007
That I realize how indigenous
I've been acting all along.
491
00:20:16,174 --> 00:20:19,344
I thought being a victim
would solve all my problems.
492
00:20:19,510 --> 00:20:21,971
But being a victim
has a downside, too.
493
00:20:22,138 --> 00:20:24,933
Mr. Galtman,
I haven't been honest.
494
00:20:25,099 --> 00:20:29,229
It's time for us all
to be honest.
495
00:20:29,395 --> 00:20:32,565
What is a holiday?
496
00:20:32,732 --> 00:20:35,818
It's a day off work, yes,
a day off school.
497
00:20:35,985 --> 00:20:39,781
But holidays are also meant
to be a time to reflect.
498
00:20:39,948 --> 00:20:42,533
Today, I'm happy to announce
499
00:20:42,700 --> 00:20:44,327
that the school calendar
committee
500
00:20:44,494 --> 00:20:46,329
is reinstating the day off.
501
00:20:48,373 --> 00:20:51,000
But instead
of glorifying anyone,
502
00:20:51,167 --> 00:20:52,961
let us make it a holiday
503
00:20:53,127 --> 00:20:56,089
about the negative feelings
that we all sometimes feel,
504
00:20:56,256 --> 00:20:59,175
say what we're really thinking
so we can move on.
505
00:20:59,342 --> 00:21:01,302
And so, the second Monday
of October
506
00:21:01,469 --> 00:21:03,221
will still be a holiday.
507
00:21:03,388 --> 00:21:04,931
But instead of Columbus Day,
508
00:21:05,098 --> 00:21:06,557
it will be
for ripping on each other
509
00:21:06,724 --> 00:21:08,184
and tearing each other down,
510
00:21:08,351 --> 00:21:11,062
and we will call it
Indigenous Peoples Day.
511
00:21:11,229 --> 00:21:14,065
For, perhaps, if we all do it
at the same time,
512
00:21:14,232 --> 00:21:17,026
we won't be so indigenous
the rest of the year.
513
00:21:17,193 --> 00:21:19,862
And since this is the second
Monday of October,
514
00:21:20,029 --> 00:21:22,240
let's all embrace
the new meaning of the holiday
515
00:21:22,407 --> 00:21:23,533
starting right now.
516
00:21:23,700 --> 00:21:25,076
Do you even know
517
00:21:25,243 --> 00:21:26,828
what indigenous means,
you frickin' idiot?
518
00:21:26,995 --> 00:21:28,496
That's the spirit, Dave!
Come on!
519
00:21:28,663 --> 00:21:30,623
Everybody, let's just all
be totally indigenous!
520
00:21:30,790 --> 00:21:31,291
Come on!
521
00:21:31,457 --> 00:21:34,043
Who the hell let this guy
talk to the school counsel?
522
00:21:34,210 --> 00:21:35,878
Good one, Kurt.
Your wife's a whore.
523
00:21:36,045 --> 00:21:37,297
Come on, everyone!
524
00:21:37,463 --> 00:21:39,048
Indigenous Peoples Day!
Let's go for it!
525
00:21:39,215 --> 00:21:41,050
Shut up,
and get off the podium!
526
00:21:41,217 --> 00:21:43,261
Okay.
I will in a second, fatso.
527
00:21:43,428 --> 00:21:44,637
All right.
Who else?
528
00:21:44,804 --> 00:21:46,306
Come on!
Get it out of your system!
529
00:21:46,472 --> 00:21:48,099
Happy Indigenous Peoples Day,
everyone.
530
00:21:48,266 --> 00:21:49,100
Suck my asshole.