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♪ I'm goin' down to South Park,
gonna have myself a time ♪
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00:00:12,013 --> 00:00:13,848
♪ Friendly faces everywhere ♪
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00:00:14,015 --> 00:00:15,683
♪ Humble folks
without temptation ♪
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00:00:15,850 --> 00:00:18,436
♪ Goin' down to South Park,
gonna leave my woes behind ♪
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00:00:18,602 --> 00:00:20,312
♪ Ample parking day or night ♪
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♪ People spouting,
"Howdy, neighbor!" ♪
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♪ Heading on up to South Park,
gonna see if I can't unwind ♪
8
00:00:25,234 --> 00:00:28,446
♪ Mrph rmhmhm rm!
Mrph rmhmhm rm! ♪
9
00:00:28,612 --> 00:00:32,450
♪ Come on down to South Park
and meet some friends of mine ♪
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00:00:34,368 --> 00:00:35,536
♪♪
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[ Children yelling ]
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[Clattering]
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[ Yelling continues ]
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This is an outrage!
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This a violation
of our human rights!
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Dude, what the hell
is going on?
17
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You didn't hear
the announcement?
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They just canceled
Columbus Day.
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We have to come to school
on Monday!
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They what?!
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They can't do this!
We made plans!
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Some asshole went
and convinced the school board
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that Columbus Day is racist
and should be eliminated.
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You can't take away
a day off.
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00:01:03,397 --> 00:01:05,024
We're just
innocent children!
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Dude. What asshole would
take away a holiday?
27
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My name is Peter Galtman.
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I am the head of
the school calendar committee.
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I have decided the school
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will not celebrate
Columbus Day this year.
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I realize this is
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a hot-button issue
for many families,
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but one parent in particular
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has really swayed my opinion
with his passion --
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00:01:23,209 --> 00:01:25,211
Mr. Randy Marsh.
36
00:01:25,377 --> 00:01:27,379
Mr. Marsh pointed out to me
the hypocrisy
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of glorifying
a genocidal murderer.
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And Mr. Marsh is, right now,
also working
39
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on having the Columbus statue
taken down in Canyon City.
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Come on, everybody!
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Let's take
this fuckin' thing down!
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Yeah!! Yeah!
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Take it down!
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Columbus was a mass murderer!
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[ Chanting ]Tear it down!
Tear it down!
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Yeah!
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[ Grunting ]
48
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Okay, it's not working.
49
00:02:00,287 --> 00:02:03,082
[ Grunts ]
We almost got it, guys!
50
00:02:03,249 --> 00:02:04,834
Come on!
Throw the rope, Stan!
51
00:02:05,000 --> 00:02:06,502
Good. That's good!
52
00:02:06,669 --> 00:02:08,170
Okay,
hit the gas, Nelson!
53
00:02:09,880 --> 00:02:11,507
We got it,
everybody!
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To hell with you,
Columbus, you --
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Whoa, whoa, whoa!
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[ Crashes ]
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♪♪
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[ Cellphone rings ]
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00:02:21,016 --> 00:02:22,226
Hey, dude.
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00:02:22,393 --> 00:02:24,270
Dude, did you know
it's your dad
61
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who's getting the school
to cancel Columbus Day?
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Yeah. Dude, I don't know
what's going on.
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He's really serious
about this.
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Well, you got to
do something.
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If you get him to back down,
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maybe the school
will reconsider.
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I can't get him
to back down.
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Stan, I have to deal
with my mom
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doing shit like this
all the time,
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00:02:39,034 --> 00:02:41,078
but she's never tried
to take away a holiday.
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I'm your best friend,
but I can't have your back
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when the guys
find out about this.
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I'll try, okay?
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[ Door closes ]
I got to go.
75
00:02:47,376 --> 00:02:48,878
Okay, Stan.
you got your phone?
76
00:02:49,044 --> 00:02:50,713
We need to call
everyone on this list.
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They all live
in the same city.
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Dad, listen, you need
to ease off a little here, okay?
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Stan, it's not right
that people celebrate a man
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who wiped out
millions of people
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for his own glory.
Let's go.
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Hello, is this, uh,
Howard Peterson?
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00:03:04,059 --> 00:03:06,562
You live in Columbus, Ohio.
Is that correct?
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00:03:06,729 --> 00:03:09,148
Yeah?
You racist piece of shit.
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00:03:09,315 --> 00:03:10,316
You heard me.
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00:03:10,482 --> 00:03:11,692
You're an
intolerant pig.
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Oh, you're not?
88
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You just choose to live in a
city named for ethnic cleansing?
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No, fuck you.
90
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Rename your city, asshole.
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00:03:19,033 --> 00:03:20,492
Hello?
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Okay, next one.
Come on. Get calling, Stan.
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Dad, come on.
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We all get your point,
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00:03:24,747 --> 00:03:26,165
but don't you think
you're overdoing it?
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You have to overdo
it in today's society, Stan.
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You can't be nuanced
and subtle anymore
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00:03:30,211 --> 00:03:32,171
or else critics go, "Wow,
what was the point of that?"
99
00:03:32,338 --> 00:03:34,256
Hi, Francis Melman?
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00:03:34,423 --> 00:03:36,592
Hey! How are you,
you fuckin' racist?
101
00:03:38,302 --> 00:03:40,304
Reporter:
Christopher Columbus --
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00:03:40,471 --> 00:03:41,805
explorer, pioneer.
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Is he someone
who should be appreciated?
104
00:03:44,266 --> 00:03:46,518
Or was he
just a douche?
105
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For years. Columbus Circle
has been a landmark
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and photogenic intersection
in New York City.
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00:03:51,607 --> 00:03:53,234
So it came as a surprise
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00:03:53,400 --> 00:03:56,237
when someone defecated
on the statue earlier today.
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00:03:56,403 --> 00:03:58,989
I'm joined now by the man
who did the actual defecating,
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00:03:59,156 --> 00:04:01,575
Mr. Randy Marsh
of South Park, Colorado.
111
00:04:01,742 --> 00:04:03,244
Good evening!
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00:04:03,410 --> 00:04:05,412
Mr. Marsh, you took a dump
on the beloved statue that
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00:04:05,579 --> 00:04:07,039
has been an icon here
in the city for years.
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What was your reasoning?
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00:04:08,582 --> 00:04:10,167
Well, I just
have a problem
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00:04:10,334 --> 00:04:12,461
with the racist people
of this city.
117
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"Yee-haw!
I'm from New York.
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00:04:14,546 --> 00:04:16,382
I drive around
a big circle
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00:04:16,548 --> 00:04:18,634
that celebrates a guy
who murdered Native Americans.
120
00:04:18,801 --> 00:04:20,594
Shoo wee!"
121
00:04:20,761 --> 00:04:22,763
So, you're doing this
because of indigenous peoples
122
00:04:22,930 --> 00:04:24,390
and their feelings?
123
00:04:24,556 --> 00:04:26,100
I don't care
if people get indigenous.
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00:04:26,267 --> 00:04:27,977
I'll crap all over
their statues.
125
00:04:28,143 --> 00:04:31,146
I'm the one who's indigenous
that this landmark even exists!
126
00:04:31,313 --> 00:04:34,608
Uh, uh...
ba-back to you, Tom.
127
00:04:36,235 --> 00:04:39,446
[ Sniffles ]
128
00:04:39,613 --> 00:04:41,490
It ain't right.
129
00:04:41,657 --> 00:04:43,325
They make you
work like a dog
130
00:04:43,492 --> 00:04:45,577
and then just tear away
your one day off in October
131
00:04:45,744 --> 00:04:47,246
like you're
a piece of trash.
132
00:04:47,663 --> 00:04:48,789
Hey, guys.
133
00:04:48,956 --> 00:04:51,417
Boo! Boo!
Nobody likes you, Stan.
134
00:04:51,583 --> 00:04:52,793
Look, I tried talking
to him, all right?
135
00:04:52,960 --> 00:04:55,671
He's just really against
all the things Columbus did.
136
00:04:55,838 --> 00:04:57,548
Does anybody know
what Columbus actually did?
137
00:04:57,715 --> 00:05:00,801
Yeah. In 1492, Columbus got us
a day off school.
138
00:05:00,968 --> 00:05:02,219
That's what matters.
139
00:05:02,386 --> 00:05:03,887
No. No, wait, guys.
Maybe that's it.
140
00:05:04,054 --> 00:05:05,556
When I'm dealing
with my mom,
141
00:05:05,723 --> 00:05:07,516
sometimes it works to be
on her side for a minute.
142
00:05:07,683 --> 00:05:09,143
Maybe we should find out
all the things
143
00:05:09,310 --> 00:05:10,436
people find offensive
about Columbus and --
144
00:05:10,602 --> 00:05:11,603
And then totally act
like we care.
145
00:05:11,770 --> 00:05:13,522
I like it, Kyle.
146
00:05:13,689 --> 00:05:15,024
I'll just look up
"Columbus, offensive, inflammatory..."
147
00:05:15,190 --> 00:05:17,276
Yeah, this is sweet.
148
00:05:17,443 --> 00:05:19,361
It's like that movie where the dude pretended
to be on the monster's side.
149
00:05:19,528 --> 00:05:20,904
You know, with the guy and the chick
that had the wife beater on,
150
00:05:21,071 --> 00:05:22,072
but her boobs were sweaty
so you could see them.
151
00:05:22,239 --> 00:05:23,240
Oh, I love
that movie!
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00:05:23,407 --> 00:05:24,325
Yeah, this is
a lot like that.
153
00:05:24,491 --> 00:05:25,784
What'd you find, Kyle?
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00:05:25,951 --> 00:05:27,077
Nothing.
155
00:05:27,244 --> 00:05:29,330
Dang it!
There's nothing?
156
00:05:29,496 --> 00:05:31,915
Stan, can I talk to you
for a minute?
157
00:05:32,082 --> 00:05:34,543
What? What?
What the hell was that?
158
00:05:37,046 --> 00:05:37,921
Hey, Dad?
159
00:05:38,088 --> 00:05:39,506
Not now, Stan.
160
00:05:39,673 --> 00:05:41,091
I'm working on a proposal
161
00:05:41,258 --> 00:05:43,135
to change British Colombia
to just British.
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00:05:43,302 --> 00:05:45,554
But, Dad, Kyle
found a picture on Instagram.
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00:05:45,721 --> 00:05:47,389
It pretty much looks like you
164
00:05:47,556 --> 00:05:49,767
dressed as Columbus
at a Halloween party.
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00:05:49,933 --> 00:05:51,143
♪♪
166
00:05:51,310 --> 00:05:52,561
Where did you get that?
167
00:05:52,728 --> 00:05:53,771
If you hate Columbus
so much,
168
00:05:53,937 --> 00:05:55,189
why'd you
dress up like him?
169
00:05:55,356 --> 00:05:57,358
Look, that was
a long time ago. Okay?
170
00:05:57,524 --> 00:05:59,234
Just a dumb
Halloween costume.
171
00:05:59,401 --> 00:06:00,736
Yeah, but...
here's you
172
00:06:00,903 --> 00:06:02,363
dressed as Columbus
at a formal dinner,
173
00:06:02,529 --> 00:06:03,113
and here's you
dressed as Columbus
174
00:06:03,280 --> 00:06:04,698
at a football game.
175
00:06:04,865 --> 00:06:06,784
And you as Columbus
on St. Patrick's day.
176
00:06:06,950 --> 00:06:10,037
Look, I was younger!
We were all younger.
177
00:06:10,204 --> 00:06:11,997
It was another time.
178
00:06:12,164 --> 00:06:15,334
You have to understand,
it was 2013.
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00:06:15,501 --> 00:06:17,711
Everyone was stoked
on Columbus back then.
180
00:06:17,878 --> 00:06:20,089
Yeah, but, Dad, you seem to be
really stoked on Columbus.
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00:06:20,255 --> 00:06:22,341
If you guys found
those pictures online,
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00:06:22,508 --> 00:06:25,094
it's only a matter of time
before everyone else does.
183
00:06:25,260 --> 00:06:27,346
People won't care
about what I do now.
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00:06:27,513 --> 00:06:28,972
They'll just see me
185
00:06:29,139 --> 00:06:32,351
as a thoughtless,
indigenous son of a bitch.
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00:06:37,689 --> 00:06:40,401
Randy, do you mind cleaning out
the garage like I asked?
187
00:06:40,567 --> 00:06:41,902
What's the point, Sharon?
188
00:06:42,069 --> 00:06:43,779
Soon they're gonna be
coming after me.
189
00:06:43,946 --> 00:06:46,698
Ugh.
190
00:06:46,865 --> 00:06:48,575
Announcer: Hey, you!
191
00:06:48,742 --> 00:06:50,411
That's right, you!
192
00:06:50,577 --> 00:06:53,163
Wouldn't you like to know
the story of you?
193
00:06:53,330 --> 00:06:55,374
What makes you, you?
194
00:06:55,541 --> 00:06:57,376
DNAandMe
is a genetic service
195
00:06:57,543 --> 00:06:59,128
that can help you find out
196
00:06:59,294 --> 00:07:01,088
exactly who
your ancestors were.
197
00:07:01,255 --> 00:07:02,798
You might be surprised.
198
00:07:02,965 --> 00:07:05,092
I thought I was just
a standard white guy.
199
00:07:05,259 --> 00:07:07,177
But DNAandMe showed
200
00:07:07,344 --> 00:07:10,848
that I'm actually
4.2% Cherokee Indian.
201
00:07:11,014 --> 00:07:13,058
Turns out
I'm not totally white.
202
00:07:13,225 --> 00:07:16,145
I'm also part Northern Asian,
and even some Kurdish!
203
00:07:16,311 --> 00:07:18,021
I'm a victim of oppression!
204
00:07:18,188 --> 00:07:20,858
I used to get in trouble
for always using the "N" word.
205
00:07:21,024 --> 00:07:25,070
But with DNAandMe, I found out
that I'm 2. 1% black!
206
00:07:25,237 --> 00:07:25,863
Morning, Steve.
207
00:07:26,029 --> 00:07:27,656
'Sup, nigga.
208
00:07:27,823 --> 00:07:29,241
Announcer:
The test is easy.
209
00:07:29,408 --> 00:07:30,784
Simply swab
the inside of your mouth
210
00:07:30,951 --> 00:07:32,494
and send it in
to our labs.
211
00:07:32,661 --> 00:07:34,621
People made fun of me
for being French.
212
00:07:34,788 --> 00:07:37,416
DNAandMe showed
I was 8% Navajo.
213
00:07:37,583 --> 00:07:39,001
Nobody's making fun of me now,
214
00:07:39,168 --> 00:07:40,836
or my people,
who were victims.
215
00:07:41,003 --> 00:07:42,754
I'm 13% victim!
216
00:07:42,921 --> 00:07:44,506
I'm 21% victim.
217
00:07:44,673 --> 00:07:46,425
Announcer:
Order now and find out
218
00:07:46,592 --> 00:07:48,760
if your friends should be
more sympathetic towards you.
219
00:07:48,927 --> 00:07:51,805
DNAandMe.
Are you in?
220
00:07:51,972 --> 00:07:53,849
Hell fuckin' yes,
I'm in.
221
00:07:54,016 --> 00:07:56,351
[ Indistinct chatter ]
222
00:07:59,396 --> 00:08:01,482
[ Chatter continues ]
223
00:08:07,488 --> 00:08:12,910
All right. Everyone's here.
Let's do this.
224
00:08:13,076 --> 00:08:14,495
Here you go,
just like I said.
225
00:08:14,661 --> 00:08:16,914
$100 cash.
No questions asked.
226
00:08:17,080 --> 00:08:18,499
Are we good?
227
00:08:19,416 --> 00:08:21,043
Good.
No talking. Perfect.
228
00:08:21,210 --> 00:08:23,795
Okay.
Let's get this over with.
229
00:08:34,806 --> 00:08:35,891
Thank you.
230
00:08:36,058 --> 00:08:38,435
Do not talk of this
to anyone.
231
00:08:41,313 --> 00:08:43,690
All right, everybody!
Hey, thanks for coming.
232
00:08:43,857 --> 00:08:45,150
If, uh, I can have
your attention, please,
233
00:08:45,317 --> 00:08:47,069
I think we're ready
to get started.
234
00:08:47,236 --> 00:08:48,570
Uh, Mr. Marsh, you know
235
00:08:48,737 --> 00:08:50,030
none of this
was really necessary.
236
00:08:50,197 --> 00:08:51,698
For DNAandMe testing,
237
00:08:51,865 --> 00:08:53,450
you can just swab the inside
of your mouth yourself
238
00:08:53,617 --> 00:08:55,244
and send it in the mail.
239
00:08:55,410 --> 00:08:57,329
Yeah, I know, but I just --
I was really excited about it,
240
00:08:57,496 --> 00:08:59,540
wanted everyone
to witness my test.
241
00:08:59,706 --> 00:09:00,874
Well, to each their own,
I suppose.
242
00:09:01,041 --> 00:09:02,459
All right.
Open wide.
243
00:09:02,626 --> 00:09:06,505
Ahh...
244
00:09:06,672 --> 00:09:08,090
Okay. I'll get this
back to the lab
245
00:09:08,257 --> 00:09:09,758
and get the results to you
as soon as possible.
246
00:09:09,925 --> 00:09:12,386
Okay, great.
I'm very interested to see
247
00:09:12,553 --> 00:09:15,722
what those results
have to say.
248
00:09:15,889 --> 00:09:20,352
[ Telephone rings ]
249
00:09:20,519 --> 00:09:22,104
Galtman residence.
250
00:09:22,271 --> 00:09:23,939
[Distorted]
Listen to me carefully.
251
00:09:24,106 --> 00:09:26,066
The man who convinced you
to cancel Columbus Day
252
00:09:26,233 --> 00:09:27,442
is a fraud.
253
00:09:27,609 --> 00:09:28,986
Who is this?
254
00:09:29,152 --> 00:09:30,946
You will go online
and search Instagram
255
00:09:31,113 --> 00:09:33,073
for images of Randy Marsh.
256
00:09:33,240 --> 00:09:34,658
I most certainly
will not.
257
00:09:34,825 --> 00:09:37,119
Randy Marsh is
a hypocrite and a fake.
258
00:09:37,286 --> 00:09:40,205
You will be taken down with him
when he is exposed.
259
00:09:40,372 --> 00:09:41,123
What's he saying?
260
00:09:41,290 --> 00:09:42,666
Shh!
Mprphph mhprphm!
261
00:09:42,833 --> 00:09:44,167
We know where you live,
262
00:09:44,334 --> 00:09:46,169
and we know how
to make you suffer.
263
00:09:46,336 --> 00:09:48,338
Now you listen here,
Mr. Man.
264
00:09:48,505 --> 00:09:49,673
The Galtmans
do not believe
265
00:09:49,840 --> 00:09:51,508
in social media
or the Internet.
266
00:09:51,675 --> 00:09:54,177
It's all fake news.
Fake news.
267
00:09:54,344 --> 00:09:56,263
Then speak
with Marsh yourself.
268
00:09:56,430 --> 00:09:59,558
The truth is out there.
269
00:09:59,725 --> 00:10:00,892
Mrph. Rm rmhmhm
rm mrph rmhmhm.
270
00:10:01,059 --> 00:10:03,312
Hmmm. Sounds like
maybe the Galtmans
271
00:10:03,478 --> 00:10:05,063
need to check out
Randy Marsh.
272
00:10:05,230 --> 00:10:06,815
♪♪
273
00:10:08,609 --> 00:10:12,904
♪♪
274
00:10:13,071 --> 00:10:15,157
Shelley,
we've got an emergency!
275
00:10:15,324 --> 00:10:17,242
We're getting rid of all the
Columbus stuff in this house!
276
00:10:17,409 --> 00:10:19,077
Any Columbus costumes,
Columbus pictures --
277
00:10:19,244 --> 00:10:20,495
They all got to go!
278
00:10:20,662 --> 00:10:22,664
I don't give a shit
about Columbus.
279
00:10:22,831 --> 00:10:25,042
Sharon,
Peter Galtman called.
280
00:10:25,208 --> 00:10:26,418
He sounds suspicious.
We got to get rid
281
00:10:26,585 --> 00:10:27,669
of all our Columbus shot glasses
and coffee cups.
282
00:10:27,836 --> 00:10:29,463
Where are they?
283
00:10:29,630 --> 00:10:31,465
Your Columbus shot glasses
and coffee cups
284
00:10:31,632 --> 00:10:33,091
are in that cupboard.
285
00:10:33,258 --> 00:10:36,261
Shot glasses, coffee cups,
towels, plates --
286
00:10:36,428 --> 00:10:38,680
What about the Columbus figurine
salt and pepper shakers?
287
00:10:38,847 --> 00:10:41,099
I don't know where
you put them, Randy.
288
00:10:41,266 --> 00:10:42,684
Sharon, do you know
what they'll do to us
289
00:10:42,851 --> 00:10:44,895
when they find out how stoked
we were on Columbus?
290
00:10:45,062 --> 00:10:47,522
You were stoked on Columbus,
Randy. Not me.
291
00:10:47,689 --> 00:10:48,649
Oh, really?!
292
00:10:48,815 --> 00:10:50,442
Did you forget
our wedding?!
293
00:10:50,609 --> 00:10:52,194
That's you right there,
294
00:10:52,361 --> 00:10:53,862
standing there
with a big smile on your face.
295
00:10:54,029 --> 00:10:55,530
You didn't say
anything about it
296
00:10:55,697 --> 00:10:56,948
being insensitive then,
did you?
297
00:10:57,115 --> 00:10:58,575
I actually was
a little upset
298
00:10:58,742 --> 00:11:00,077
that you dressed up as Columbus
for our wedding,
299
00:11:00,243 --> 00:11:02,037
- but I decided --
- Oh, now!
300
00:11:02,204 --> 00:11:04,706
You say that now, 'cause
everyone's freaking out.
301
00:11:04,873 --> 00:11:07,084
But you were right there,
going along with it!
302
00:11:07,250 --> 00:11:10,337
They're gonna be coming
after you, too, Sharon!
303
00:11:10,504 --> 00:11:12,506
So you can just wipe that
indigenous look off your face.
304
00:11:12,673 --> 00:11:13,882
[ Doorbell rings ]
305
00:11:14,049 --> 00:11:16,176
Oh! That could be
my DNA results!
306
00:11:16,343 --> 00:11:18,470
Here, take this stuff
out back!
307
00:11:26,478 --> 00:11:28,939
Oh, no, no, no,
no, no, no.
308
00:11:29,106 --> 00:11:32,901
I've never felt so alive
until now.
309
00:11:33,068 --> 00:11:35,987
Thank you.
Lo-Lovely flowers. Thank you.
310
00:11:36,154 --> 00:11:38,657
[ Telephone rings ]
311
00:11:38,824 --> 00:11:40,575
Galtman residence.
312
00:11:40,742 --> 00:11:42,577
[Distorted] Listen carefully
if you want to live.
313
00:11:42,744 --> 00:11:45,539
You will make this Monday
a school holiday.
314
00:11:45,706 --> 00:11:48,709
I spoke with Mr. Marsh,
and he denied any wrong doing.
315
00:11:48,875 --> 00:11:49,876
Of course he did!
316
00:11:50,043 --> 00:11:51,586
That's what liars do!
317
00:11:51,753 --> 00:11:53,338
I don't think you're being
intimidating enough.
318
00:11:53,505 --> 00:11:56,174
Yeah, get meaner, Kenny.
Meaner like how, dude?
319
00:11:56,341 --> 00:11:57,718
CARTMAN: [Distorted]
I don't know, like -- like maybe say --
320
00:11:57,884 --> 00:11:59,094
Like talk about cutting off
his dick or something.
321
00:11:59,261 --> 00:12:00,929
We're gonna
cut off your dick!
322
00:12:01,096 --> 00:12:02,848
Kyle: [Distorted] No, dude.
That's too far.
323
00:12:03,014 --> 00:12:04,516
Okay, okay, just say we're gonna cut off
part of his dick.
324
00:12:04,683 --> 00:12:05,767
Just give me
the phone.
325
00:12:05,934 --> 00:12:07,227
- Hello?
- What?
326
00:12:07,394 --> 00:12:09,396
Randy Marsh is about to pay
for what he's done.
327
00:12:09,563 --> 00:12:10,897
Protect him
and you will pay, too.
328
00:12:11,064 --> 00:12:13,358
Time is running out.
329
00:12:13,525 --> 00:12:14,526
[ Normal voice ] Jesus!
330
00:12:15,819 --> 00:12:18,822
Sharon, have you seen
my Columbus staff and orb?
331
00:12:18,989 --> 00:12:20,615
I have not.
332
00:12:20,782 --> 00:12:22,284
Sharon, Galtman
called again.
333
00:12:22,451 --> 00:12:24,244
Somebody is out there trying to
get me in trouble.
334
00:12:24,411 --> 00:12:26,663
Randy, why don't you just
admit to people
335
00:12:26,830 --> 00:12:28,999
that maybe you were
somewhat overly excited
336
00:12:29,166 --> 00:12:31,585
about Columbus in the past.
337
00:12:31,752 --> 00:12:33,962
Everyone was excited
about Columbus!
338
00:12:34,129 --> 00:12:36,256
For some reason, people are just
pointing fingers at me.
339
00:12:36,423 --> 00:12:38,216
Just because he's suddenly
not cool now
340
00:12:38,383 --> 00:12:40,969
doesn't mean I'm gonna be
the F'ing scapegoat!
341
00:12:42,554 --> 00:12:45,974
I got to burn
this stuff.
342
00:12:46,141 --> 00:12:47,976
Oh, God damn it.
343
00:12:48,143 --> 00:12:52,230
I wrote you a song
to express my feelings for you.
344
00:12:52,397 --> 00:12:53,482
Will you
get out of here?!
345
00:12:53,648 --> 00:12:58,570
[ Vocalizing ]
346
00:12:58,737 --> 00:13:02,032
♪ And then he kissed me ♪
347
00:13:02,199 --> 00:13:03,533
I didn't kiss you
'cause I like you.
348
00:13:03,700 --> 00:13:07,454
[ Vocalizing ]
349
00:13:07,621 --> 00:13:10,624
♪ And then he kissed me ♪
350
00:13:10,791 --> 00:13:12,167
Okay, okay.
351
00:13:12,334 --> 00:13:14,211
[ Vocalizing ]
352
00:13:14,377 --> 00:13:17,380
♪ And the sun
began to shine ♪
353
00:13:17,547 --> 00:13:19,674
That's it.
Get off my property!
354
00:13:19,841 --> 00:13:21,718
Randy,
I cannot quit you.
355
00:13:21,885 --> 00:13:24,387
Get off my land,
you piece of shit!
356
00:13:30,852 --> 00:13:32,020
Don't post that.
357
00:13:34,773 --> 00:13:38,360
Do not...post that.
358
00:13:38,527 --> 00:13:40,028
Shit!
359
00:13:43,907 --> 00:13:44,825
Guys, what are
you doing?
360
00:13:44,991 --> 00:13:46,409
It's over, Eric.
361
00:13:46,576 --> 00:13:48,078
We have to come to school
on Monday.
362
00:13:48,245 --> 00:13:49,621
Just face it.
363
00:13:49,788 --> 00:13:51,414
I'm not facing anything.
We still have time.
364
00:13:51,581 --> 00:13:52,666
There has to be
a way we can --
365
00:13:52,833 --> 00:13:54,459
Dude, there's nothing
we can do, all right?
366
00:13:54,626 --> 00:13:57,254
Oh, okay. I see.
367
00:13:57,420 --> 00:13:59,506
Is that what Columbus did?
Just give up?
368
00:13:59,673 --> 00:14:02,592
On his dream?
No.
369
00:14:02,759 --> 00:14:05,345
Columbus believed that kids
should have a day off school.
370
00:14:05,512 --> 00:14:07,764
And even when his own country
wouldn't support his cause,
371
00:14:07,931 --> 00:14:10,141
Columbus said, "Fine.
I'll go find a new land
372
00:14:10,308 --> 00:14:11,810
where kids
can have that day off."
373
00:14:11,977 --> 00:14:13,311
Eric, just let it go.
374
00:14:13,478 --> 00:14:15,647
And when Columbus
sailed to distant places
375
00:14:15,814 --> 00:14:17,274
only to find people
already there
376
00:14:17,440 --> 00:14:19,109
who said, "No!
Stay off our land!
377
00:14:19,276 --> 00:14:21,194
We want our kids
to have to go to school!"
378
00:14:21,361 --> 00:14:23,321
He said, "No!
It's just one day in October.
379
00:14:23,488 --> 00:14:24,990
They need a break!"
380
00:14:25,156 --> 00:14:27,701
You guys can all give up,
but I'm not.
381
00:14:27,868 --> 00:14:32,789
Because in 1492, Columbus
got us all a day off school.
382
00:14:32,956 --> 00:14:35,166
With just three ships,
he sailed over
383
00:14:35,333 --> 00:14:38,253
so we could have
some 'me time' in October.
384
00:14:38,420 --> 00:14:39,963
And, yes,
millions were slaughtered
385
00:14:40,130 --> 00:14:41,423
and throats were cut.
386
00:14:41,590 --> 00:14:43,675
But if we don't get
that day off school,
387
00:14:43,842 --> 00:14:47,637
then for what?
388
00:14:47,804 --> 00:14:49,222
Come on, guys.
389
00:14:49,389 --> 00:14:50,432
There's something else
we can try.
390
00:14:52,809 --> 00:14:55,937
[ Urinating ]
391
00:14:56,104 --> 00:14:57,814
- Sharon, good news!
- What?!
392
00:14:57,981 --> 00:14:59,566
The people from the DNA test
called!
393
00:14:59,733 --> 00:15:00,984
They're on their way over.
You want to come down?
394
00:15:01,151 --> 00:15:02,611
I'm doing something.
395
00:15:02,777 --> 00:15:03,737
You sure?
396
00:15:03,904 --> 00:15:05,697
These results could
be really interesting.
397
00:15:07,407 --> 00:15:09,492
Oh, God damn it!
What the hell do you want?
398
00:15:09,659 --> 00:15:12,579
I want you to stop
running from yourself.
399
00:15:12,746 --> 00:15:14,331
We could be so happy.
400
00:15:14,497 --> 00:15:15,373
[ Doorbell rings ]
401
00:15:15,540 --> 00:15:17,250
Crap, it's them!
402
00:15:17,417 --> 00:15:19,127
Just a second! Be right there!
Thanks!
403
00:15:19,294 --> 00:15:21,004
Get over here!
404
00:15:21,171 --> 00:15:23,214
I don't have any feelings
for you. Do you understand?
405
00:15:23,381 --> 00:15:25,508
But, Randy,
what about the --
406
00:15:25,675 --> 00:15:28,178
No! No buts!
There's nothing here.
407
00:15:28,345 --> 00:15:31,473
I'm not in love with you,
got it?!
408
00:15:31,640 --> 00:15:32,933
Yes.
409
00:15:33,099 --> 00:15:34,935
Yes, I understand.
410
00:15:35,101 --> 00:15:37,437
Good. Now leave.
411
00:15:39,940 --> 00:15:42,943
Hi. Sorry.
You guys have my results?
412
00:15:43,109 --> 00:15:44,861
Well, Mr. Marsh,
we came because
413
00:15:45,028 --> 00:15:47,864
there was an irregularity
with your test.
414
00:15:48,031 --> 00:15:49,658
What, you found something there
you didn't expect to find?
415
00:15:49,824 --> 00:15:51,034
What is it?
416
00:15:51,201 --> 00:15:52,619
Well, it's just
a little too odd.
417
00:15:52,786 --> 00:15:54,245
We need to do
the test again.
418
00:15:54,412 --> 00:15:55,789
Do it again?
That's not fair.
419
00:15:55,956 --> 00:15:57,165
Mr. Marsh, please,
420
00:15:57,332 --> 00:15:58,541
if we could just have
one more sample.
421
00:15:58,708 --> 00:15:59,960
We want to be
absolutely sure
422
00:16:00,126 --> 00:16:01,002
of what we found.
423
00:16:01,169 --> 00:16:02,837
Uh...okay,
no problem.
424
00:16:03,004 --> 00:16:06,257
Give me -- Give me
one sec. I'll be right back.
425
00:16:06,424 --> 00:16:09,010
Wait! Wait!
426
00:16:17,394 --> 00:16:19,270
Okay. Okay.
All set. Let's do this.
427
00:16:19,437 --> 00:16:21,022
Ahh!
428
00:16:21,189 --> 00:16:23,692
Mr. Marsh, we were hoping
to do a more precise test.
429
00:16:23,858 --> 00:16:25,443
It's better
for harder cases like this,
430
00:16:25,610 --> 00:16:29,280
but it is an anal swab
this time.
431
00:16:29,447 --> 00:16:31,116
An anal swab?
432
00:16:31,282 --> 00:16:34,577
Give me..
tw-- three minutes.
433
00:16:34,744 --> 00:16:36,454
[ Whispering ]
Hey, where'd you go?
434
00:16:36,621 --> 00:16:37,747
Mr. Marsh, we're in
a bit of a hurry
435
00:16:37,914 --> 00:16:39,165
if you don't mind.
436
00:16:39,332 --> 00:16:42,002
[ Normal voice ] Oh.
Oh, shit.
437
00:16:44,587 --> 00:16:50,719
♪♪
438
00:16:51,761 --> 00:16:54,139
All right, it's clear.
Bring him in.
439
00:16:54,305 --> 00:16:55,515
Move your ass,
Galtman!
440
00:16:55,682 --> 00:16:57,017
This is a violation
of my rights.
441
00:16:57,183 --> 00:16:58,560
Just shut up
and watch
442
00:16:58,727 --> 00:17:00,145
what someone posted
on their Instagram!
443
00:17:00,311 --> 00:17:02,147
I most certainly
will not!
444
00:17:02,313 --> 00:17:04,482
If you want me to look at
the internet, I will die first.
445
00:17:04,649 --> 00:17:05,650
It's fake news.
446
00:17:06,860 --> 00:17:09,320
That's why we had it
transferred to VHS.
447
00:17:09,487 --> 00:17:10,363
Oh.
VHS is fine.
448
00:17:10,530 --> 00:17:12,073
Take off
his blindfold.
449
00:17:14,075 --> 00:17:16,578
Get off my land,
you piece of shit!
450
00:17:18,955 --> 00:17:20,123
Don't post that.
451
00:17:20,290 --> 00:17:21,541
Hmm.
452
00:17:36,723 --> 00:17:38,641
Oh, Mr. Marsh.
453
00:17:38,808 --> 00:17:41,978
Oh, hey!
How are you?
454
00:17:42,145 --> 00:17:44,814
Good.
What are you up to?
455
00:17:44,981 --> 00:17:47,692
Chillin', chillin'.
456
00:17:47,859 --> 00:17:51,029
Well, uh, we did get your DNA
results back this morning.
457
00:17:51,196 --> 00:17:52,447
Would you like to go over them?
458
00:17:52,614 --> 00:17:54,324
Oh, you did?
Oh, great.
459
00:17:54,491 --> 00:17:56,534
Sure.
Why not? I'm here.
460
00:17:56,701 --> 00:17:58,411
Let's, uh...
Let's do that.
461
00:17:58,578 --> 00:17:59,871
Man: All right, Mr. Marsh,
462
00:18:00,038 --> 00:18:01,623
here's your
DNAandMe portfolio.
463
00:18:01,790 --> 00:18:03,875
This shows
that we actually found
464
00:18:04,042 --> 00:18:06,503
a mix of a few things
in your regional ancestry.
465
00:18:06,669 --> 00:18:08,963
Really? Like Native American?!
Like -- Like a little bit?!
466
00:18:09,130 --> 00:18:10,840
No, we didn't find any trace
467
00:18:11,007 --> 00:18:13,009
of any Native American DNA
in your test...
468
00:18:13,176 --> 00:18:15,053
Nuts.
469
00:18:15,220 --> 00:18:16,846
But as you can see here,
we found
470
00:18:17,013 --> 00:18:19,057
that you're about
43% Northern European,
471
00:18:19,224 --> 00:18:20,850
37% Mediterranean,
472
00:18:21,017 --> 00:18:23,311
and 18% Southwest Asian.
473
00:18:23,478 --> 00:18:26,064
In fact, your genetic profile
most closely matches...
474
00:18:26,231 --> 00:18:28,233
your standard
Caucasian British person.
475
00:18:28,399 --> 00:18:29,692
[ Sighs ]
476
00:18:29,859 --> 00:18:31,402
And you might
be interested to know
477
00:18:31,569 --> 00:18:34,614
that you are actually
2.8 % Neanderthal,
478
00:18:34,781 --> 00:18:35,782
which is fairly high.
479
00:18:35,949 --> 00:18:36,991
Neanderthal?
480
00:18:37,158 --> 00:18:38,493
What the hell is that about?
481
00:18:38,660 --> 00:18:40,453
Well, the Neanderthals
were actually a species
482
00:18:40,620 --> 00:18:42,080
that was wiped out
by homo sapiens.
483
00:18:42,247 --> 00:18:44,958
Wiped out...
all of my people?
484
00:18:45,125 --> 00:18:46,918
Yes, but you see,
because of some cross breeding,
485
00:18:47,085 --> 00:18:49,045
some people like you
still possess
486
00:18:49,212 --> 00:18:50,046
Neanderthal DNA.
487
00:18:50,213 --> 00:18:51,297
Isn't that interesting?
488
00:18:51,464 --> 00:18:54,092
Cross breeding?
You mean rape.
489
00:18:54,259 --> 00:18:56,553
You're telling me
that my ancestors
490
00:18:56,719 --> 00:18:59,139
were raped
and then eradicated by you --
491
00:18:59,305 --> 00:19:01,724
you maniacs?!
492
00:19:01,891 --> 00:19:03,852
The Earth wasn't big enough
for Neanderthals,
493
00:19:04,018 --> 00:19:06,521
So your ancestors
just got rid of them, huh?!
494
00:19:06,688 --> 00:19:09,774
Well, to hell with all of you!
495
00:19:19,659 --> 00:19:22,495
Well, well.
Mr. Marsh.
496
00:19:22,662 --> 00:19:23,997
I'd like to have a word, please.
497
00:19:27,792 --> 00:19:29,335
You find this funny,
Galtman?!
498
00:19:29,502 --> 00:19:30,962
What'd I do?
499
00:19:31,129 --> 00:19:32,463
Nobody had the guts
500
00:19:32,630 --> 00:19:34,465
to tell me what happened
to my people, huh?
501
00:19:34,632 --> 00:19:36,301
Get the hell out of here!
502
00:19:36,467 --> 00:19:39,512
I brought my parents over
so you could meet them.
503
00:19:39,679 --> 00:19:42,307
Oh, God!
504
00:19:42,473 --> 00:19:43,683
Don't worry.
505
00:19:43,850 --> 00:19:46,978
My parents are very okay
and cool with us.
506
00:19:47,145 --> 00:19:48,730
Who the hell is that?
507
00:19:48,897 --> 00:19:51,274
Yeah, sure, everyone gang up
on the Neanderthal!
508
00:19:51,441 --> 00:19:52,525
Isn't it funny?!
509
00:19:52,692 --> 00:19:55,361
Randy, you must face
who you are.
510
00:19:55,528 --> 00:19:57,739
Stop pretending, Randy.
511
00:19:57,906 --> 00:20:02,118
For once, just allow
yourself to feel.
512
00:20:02,285 --> 00:20:04,621
[ Sighs ]
513
00:20:04,787 --> 00:20:08,249
You're right.
You're right.
514
00:20:08,416 --> 00:20:12,128
It's only now, when everyone's
being so indigenous to me,
515
00:20:12,295 --> 00:20:16,007
That I realize how indigenous
I've been acting all along.
516
00:20:16,174 --> 00:20:19,344
I thought being a victim
would solve all my problems.
517
00:20:19,510 --> 00:20:21,971
But being a victim
has a downside, too.
518
00:20:22,138 --> 00:20:24,933
Mr. Galtman,
I haven't been honest.
519
00:20:25,099 --> 00:20:29,229
It's time for us all
to be honest.
520
00:20:29,395 --> 00:20:32,565
What is a holiday?
521
00:20:32,732 --> 00:20:35,818
It's a day off work, yes,
a day off school.
522
00:20:35,985 --> 00:20:39,781
But holidays are also meant
to be a time to reflect.
523
00:20:39,948 --> 00:20:42,533
Today, I'm happy to announce
524
00:20:42,700 --> 00:20:44,327
that the school calendar
committee
525
00:20:44,494 --> 00:20:46,329
is reinstating the day off.
526
00:20:46,496 --> 00:20:48,206
[ Cheers and applause ]
527
00:20:48,373 --> 00:20:51,000
But instead
of glorifying anyone,
528
00:20:51,167 --> 00:20:52,961
let us make it a holiday
529
00:20:53,127 --> 00:20:56,089
about the negative feelings
that we all sometimes feel,
530
00:20:56,256 --> 00:20:59,175
say what we're really thinking
so we can move on.
531
00:20:59,342 --> 00:21:01,302
And so, the second Monday
of October
532
00:21:01,469 --> 00:21:03,221
will still be a holiday.
533
00:21:03,388 --> 00:21:04,931
But instead of Columbus Day,
534
00:21:05,098 --> 00:21:06,557
it will be
for ripping on each other
535
00:21:06,724 --> 00:21:08,184
and tearing each other down,
536
00:21:08,351 --> 00:21:11,062
and we will call it
Indigenous Peoples Day.
537
00:21:11,229 --> 00:21:14,065
For, perhaps, if we all do it
at the same time,
538
00:21:14,232 --> 00:21:17,026
we won't be so indigenous
the rest of the year.
539
00:21:17,193 --> 00:21:19,862
And since this is the second
Monday of October,
540
00:21:20,029 --> 00:21:22,240
let's all embrace
the new meaning of the holiday
541
00:21:22,407 --> 00:21:23,533
starting right now.
542
00:21:23,700 --> 00:21:25,076
Do you even know
543
00:21:25,243 --> 00:21:26,828
what indigenous means,
you frickin' idiot?
544
00:21:26,995 --> 00:21:28,496
That's the spirit, Dave!
Come on!
545
00:21:28,663 --> 00:21:30,623
Everybody, let's just all
be totally indigenous!
546
00:21:30,790 --> 00:21:31,291
Come on!
547
00:21:31,457 --> 00:21:34,043
Who the hell let this guy
talk to the school counsel?
548
00:21:34,210 --> 00:21:35,878
Good one, Kurt.
Your wife's a whore.
549
00:21:36,045 --> 00:21:37,297
Come on, everyone!
550
00:21:37,463 --> 00:21:39,048
Indigenous Peoples Day!
Let's go for it!
551
00:21:39,215 --> 00:21:41,050
Woman: Shut up,
and get off the podium!
552
00:21:41,217 --> 00:21:43,261
Okay.
I will in a second, fatso.
553
00:21:43,428 --> 00:21:44,637
All right.
Who else?
554
00:21:44,804 --> 00:21:46,306
Come on!
Get it out of your system!
555
00:21:46,472 --> 00:21:48,099
Happy Indigenous Peoples Day,
everyone.
556
00:21:48,266 --> 00:21:49,100
Suck my asshole.