1 00:00:30,530 --> 00:00:32,790 Cartman's Mom is a Dirty Slut 2 00:00:35,160 --> 00:00:37,690 Cartman's not showing up for school. 3 00:00:37,900 --> 00:00:42,030 Yeah, this is the third day in a row. I wonder what's wrong. 4 00:00:43,540 --> 00:00:47,770 - Yeah. - Hey, maybe we should go check on him. 5 00:00:48,080 --> 00:00:51,710 - Come on, we're running late. - We're not getting on, you ugly bitch. 6 00:00:51,910 --> 00:00:53,280 What did you say?! 7 00:00:53,480 --> 00:00:56,110 I said, we're not getting on, you ugly bitch. 8 00:00:56,320 --> 00:00:59,050 Oh, all right then. 9 00:01:00,020 --> 00:01:02,180 - Whoa, dude. - I always wondered if that would work. 10 00:01:04,930 --> 00:01:07,590 - Hello, boys. - We were wondering why fat ass... 11 00:01:07,800 --> 00:01:11,890 - I mean Cartman, isn't at school. - He's under the weather. 12 00:01:12,100 --> 00:01:14,160 Maybe you boys can cheer him up. 13 00:01:14,370 --> 00:01:17,000 - He's in the back yard. - In the back yard? 14 00:01:18,070 --> 00:01:20,700 Would you like more tea, Polly Prissypants? 15 00:01:20,910 --> 00:01:26,910 - I would love some tea, thank you. - You're welcome, Polly Prissypants. 16 00:01:28,020 --> 00:01:31,320 - Would you like some tea, Clyde Frog? - Yes, please. 17 00:01:31,520 --> 00:01:36,220 - Why are you so cool? - I don't know, Clyde Frog. I just am. 18 00:01:36,420 --> 00:01:40,190 Yeah, you're strong and smart. Everybody likes you. 19 00:01:40,400 --> 00:01:43,560 Thank you, Polly Prissypants. How nice of you. 20 00:01:44,130 --> 00:01:47,160 Dude, this is pretty f* *ked up right here. 21 00:01:47,640 --> 00:01:50,730 - Let's go make fun of him. - No, this looks really serious. 22 00:01:50,940 --> 00:01:53,970 - I think we better get help. - Really? 23 00:01:54,380 --> 00:01:59,140 Eric, you are the coolest guy in the world. This is tremendous tea. 24 00:01:59,350 --> 00:02:02,540 Why, thank you, Peter Panda. It's a distinctive Earl Grey. 25 00:02:02,750 --> 00:02:05,480 - Eric is the best. - Hurray for Eric. 26 00:02:05,690 --> 00:02:07,180 Eric kicks ass. 27 00:02:08,290 --> 00:02:10,520 Mr. Mackey, something's wrong with Cartman. 28 00:02:10,730 --> 00:02:14,460 - There's a news flash. - We saw him having a tea party... 29 00:02:14,660 --> 00:02:18,260 ...with his stuffed animals. - He was doing their voices. 30 00:02:18,470 --> 00:02:24,230 Eric is obviously suffering from some kind of emotional distress, m'kay? 31 00:02:24,440 --> 00:02:28,770 - What do you mean? - Has anything troubled him recently? 32 00:02:28,980 --> 00:02:33,000 - No. - Well, something is bothering him. 33 00:02:33,210 --> 00:02:36,840 Oh, of course, my video camera. 34 00:02:37,050 --> 00:02:39,990 If you could videotape Eric's behavior... 35 00:02:40,190 --> 00:02:44,720 ...then I can study him psychologically and find out what's wrong, m'kay? 36 00:02:44,930 --> 00:02:47,020 - Is that legal? - Oh, hell yes. 37 00:02:47,430 --> 00:02:51,230 That's a lovely dress you are wearing, Polly Prissypants. 38 00:02:51,430 --> 00:02:54,400 Thank you, Eric. You are a perfect gentleman. 39 00:02:54,600 --> 00:02:59,840 - You are smart and cool. - Yes, you are strong, smart and cool. 40 00:03:00,040 --> 00:03:03,840 - Everybody likes you. - That's nice, Peter Panda. 41 00:03:04,050 --> 00:03:07,380 - This will be the funniest tape ever. - How much do we need? 42 00:03:07,580 --> 00:03:09,070 Just keep rolling. 43 00:03:09,280 --> 00:03:12,310 - More tea, Rumper Tumpskin? - Yes, please. 44 00:03:12,520 --> 00:03:14,390 You are tough and handsome. 45 00:03:14,590 --> 00:03:18,460 Thank you. What do you think about me, Clyde Frog? 46 00:03:18,660 --> 00:03:22,030 I think you're a big, fat piece of crap. 47 00:03:28,570 --> 00:03:31,370 No, Kitty, this is my corned beef cabbage. 48 00:03:31,570 --> 00:03:34,100 No, Kitty! That's a bad Kitty! 49 00:03:34,310 --> 00:03:38,970 - How is your beefy roast, snookums? - Mom, can I ask you a question? 50 00:03:39,180 --> 00:03:43,480 - Sure, hon. - You know how Stan has a dad? 51 00:03:44,890 --> 00:03:48,650 And Kyle has a dad? And Kenny has a dad? 52 00:03:48,860 --> 00:03:51,190 Yes? 53 00:03:57,770 --> 00:04:02,830 - Well, what's your question, hon? - Goddamn it, do I have a dad? 54 00:04:03,140 --> 00:04:06,070 I wanna know where I came from. 55 00:04:06,710 --> 00:04:08,470 Well, you see, Eric... 56 00:04:08,680 --> 00:04:12,940 ...sometimes when a man and a woman are attracted to each other... 57 00:04:13,150 --> 00:04:16,840 ...they want to be close to each other. 58 00:04:17,250 --> 00:04:20,690 And sometimes the man puts his hoo-hoo-dilly... 59 00:04:20,890 --> 00:04:23,980 ...in the woman's cha-cha. 60 00:04:28,730 --> 00:04:31,460 Who put his hoo-hoo-dilly in your cha-cha? 61 00:04:31,670 --> 00:04:35,830 Eric, the day I met your father, it was like magic. 62 00:04:36,040 --> 00:04:40,440 It was a beautiful autumn night, when the aspen trees were turning... 63 00:04:40,640 --> 00:04:44,770 ...at the 12th Annual Drunken Barn Dance. 64 00:04:49,350 --> 00:04:52,180 I was young and naive then. 65 00:04:52,350 --> 00:04:56,150 I've never seen a woman drink so much. You're amazing, Miss Cartman. 66 00:04:56,320 --> 00:04:59,730 Heck, I haven't even started yet. 67 00:04:59,930 --> 00:05:02,730 I baked cookies. Would anybody like one? 68 00:05:02,900 --> 00:05:06,460 I wouldn't mind getting ahold of your cookies. 69 00:05:06,670 --> 00:05:11,730 Well, go right ahead, Officer Barbrady. 70 00:05:12,010 --> 00:05:15,170 That's a good cookie. 71 00:05:16,480 --> 00:05:21,180 Come on, everybody, let's do the drunken barn dance. 72 00:05:28,690 --> 00:05:31,420 And then I saw him. 73 00:05:31,630 --> 00:05:37,190 He was the most beautiful piece of ass I'd ever seen in South Park. 74 00:05:37,400 --> 00:05:40,490 His name was Chief Running Water. 75 00:05:54,950 --> 00:05:57,710 I don't recall the rest of the night... 76 00:05:57,920 --> 00:06:03,410 ...but the next morning, I was pregnant with you, my little blueberry muffin. 77 00:06:03,620 --> 00:06:06,460 Where is Chief Running...? I mean Dad, now? 78 00:06:06,660 --> 00:06:11,860 I never saw him after that. I wasn't really that interested in him. 79 00:06:12,070 --> 00:06:14,130 That isn't a very romantic story, Mom. 80 00:06:14,340 --> 00:06:18,470 I heard he still lives on the Ute reservation outside of town. 81 00:06:18,670 --> 00:06:23,200 Wow, to think all this time I'm actually a naive American. 82 00:06:23,410 --> 00:06:25,140 No, Kitty! That's a bad Kitty! 83 00:06:27,750 --> 00:06:33,520 Coming this Sunday, a television event that will blow you away. 84 00:06:33,720 --> 00:06:38,560 Terrance. Phillip. In the harrowing made-for-TV drama... 85 00:06:38,760 --> 00:06:41,890 ...Not Without My Anus. Based on a true story. 86 00:06:42,100 --> 00:06:45,090 I have to go to Iraq and find my kidnapped daughter. 87 00:06:45,300 --> 00:06:48,360 Then I'm going to go with you, Terrance. 88 00:06:49,900 --> 00:06:53,770 See Canada's hottest stars in the HBC Movie of the Week. 89 00:06:53,980 --> 00:06:56,880 Dude, we have to tape Not Without My Anus. 90 00:06:57,080 --> 00:06:59,880 Yeah, dude, it looks riveting. 91 00:07:00,420 --> 00:07:03,940 - We wanna watch Terrance and Phillip. - No, Billy... 92 00:07:04,150 --> 00:07:06,810 ...we're gonna watch the Bob Saget show. 93 00:07:07,020 --> 00:07:11,980 And now, America's Stupidest Home Videos. Here's your host, Bob Saget. 94 00:07:12,190 --> 00:07:15,990 I just flew into the studio. Boy, are my arms tired. 95 00:07:17,300 --> 00:07:21,740 Why didn't the skeleton cross the road? He didn't have the guts. 96 00:07:22,100 --> 00:07:23,660 Knock, knock. 97 00:07:23,870 --> 00:07:25,500 Bob. 98 00:07:25,710 --> 00:07:27,800 Bob Saget. 99 00:07:30,910 --> 00:07:33,010 - This guy sucks. - He's almost as bad... 100 00:07:33,210 --> 00:07:35,240 ...as that guy on Full House. 101 00:07:35,850 --> 00:07:39,080 Cartman? What are you doing dressed up like an Indian with a bear necklace? 102 00:07:39,290 --> 00:07:42,780 Naive American, Stan. The bear is important to my people. 103 00:07:42,990 --> 00:07:44,750 What? 104 00:07:45,260 --> 00:07:50,660 The white man has mocked my people long enough. Keep your mouths shut! 105 00:07:50,870 --> 00:07:55,270 - I need to bike to the reservation. - What are you talking about? 106 00:07:55,470 --> 00:07:59,700 My name is Eric Running Water. Now, can I borrow your bike? 107 00:07:59,910 --> 00:08:02,810 - Or do I have to steal it? - Go ahead, dude. 108 00:08:03,010 --> 00:08:07,850 - He's more screwed up than I thought. - Let's get this video to Mr. Mackey. 109 00:08:08,050 --> 00:08:11,380 Just a reminder, send us your stupidest home videos. 110 00:08:11,590 --> 00:08:14,780 The grand prize this month will be for $ 10,000. 111 00:08:14,990 --> 00:08:20,990 - Ten thousand dollars? Holy smokes! - I wish we had a stupidest home video. 112 00:08:27,100 --> 00:08:31,090 - And bear cried to eagle... - Running Water, some kid's here. 113 00:08:31,310 --> 00:08:33,270 - What kid? - He says he's your kid. 114 00:08:33,470 --> 00:08:35,440 - Hi, Dad. - Who are you? 115 00:08:35,640 --> 00:08:40,600 I'm your son, Eric. You put your hoo-hoo-dilly in my mom's cha-cha. 116 00:08:40,820 --> 00:08:42,750 - Your mother? - Liane Cartman. 117 00:08:42,950 --> 00:08:46,680 Cartman? Oh, boy, I was worried there for a second. 118 00:08:46,890 --> 00:08:50,720 - I'm not your father. - But you were the guy she was with. 119 00:08:50,930 --> 00:08:55,420 I hate to break this to you, but your mother is what we refer to as... 120 00:08:55,760 --> 00:08:58,490 ..."bear with wide canyon." - What do you mean? 121 00:08:58,700 --> 00:09:02,190 She is "doe who cannot keep legs together." 122 00:09:02,400 --> 00:09:04,300 - Your mom's a slut. - Hey! 123 00:09:04,510 --> 00:09:08,030 Your mom was too drunk to remember what happened. 124 00:09:08,240 --> 00:09:09,940 Let me tell you. 125 00:09:12,310 --> 00:09:16,150 We got tired of dancing, so we found a private spot. 126 00:09:16,350 --> 00:09:19,950 I knew she wanted me. She kept saying romantic things. 127 00:09:20,150 --> 00:09:26,060 - Chief, I want your hot man-chowder. - Whoa, hello! 128 00:09:27,930 --> 00:09:32,960 Wait, wait. Who is that? 129 00:09:42,640 --> 00:09:47,770 - Could you excuse me for a minute? - You gotta be kidding me. 130 00:09:47,980 --> 00:09:52,180 Why, hello there. I don't think I've seen you around before. 131 00:09:52,390 --> 00:09:56,980 - No, I'm new in town. - What's a nice, handsome... 132 00:09:57,190 --> 00:10:01,630 ...black man like yourself doing in a pit like South Park? 133 00:10:01,830 --> 00:10:06,100 - I'm gonna open up a restaurant here. - My, how exciting. 134 00:10:06,300 --> 00:10:09,100 Care to put your tongue in my mouth? 135 00:10:09,300 --> 00:10:12,570 Damn, baby, you cut right to the chase. 136 00:10:12,770 --> 00:10:15,260 I'm plastered! 137 00:10:16,440 --> 00:10:19,280 His tongue? Chef? Chef is my dad? 138 00:10:19,480 --> 00:10:22,070 He's the last person I saw with your mom. 139 00:10:22,450 --> 00:10:26,510 Oh, my God. I'm a black African-American. 140 00:10:30,460 --> 00:10:32,590 Come on, get the go-cart going. 141 00:10:32,790 --> 00:10:36,290 - Did you send the videotape? - I mailed it last night. 142 00:10:36,500 --> 00:10:39,490 What sucks is now we have to watch Bob Saget. 143 00:10:39,700 --> 00:10:44,260 - Lf we win, we can buy a new go-cart. - Here comes Cartman. 144 00:10:44,470 --> 00:10:46,270 What's up, homeys? 145 00:10:46,470 --> 00:10:49,930 I was just kicking it with some G's on the west side. 146 00:10:50,140 --> 00:10:54,770 - You live on the east side. - I thought you were Native American. 147 00:10:56,180 --> 00:10:59,410 Right, like I'm some hippie Indian. 148 00:10:59,620 --> 00:11:05,080 You know what I'm saying, G? Check you later. I'm gonna go chill with my dad. 149 00:11:06,090 --> 00:11:11,050 Dude, we should be videotaping this. We could make another $ 10,000. 150 00:11:13,670 --> 00:11:15,860 Hold on, Kenny! 151 00:11:33,290 --> 00:11:36,880 - Oh, my God, they killed Kenny! - You bastards! 152 00:11:39,860 --> 00:11:42,490 - Hello? - Yo, Pops. 153 00:11:42,700 --> 00:11:48,290 - Boy, what the fudge are you doing? - Just laying down some rhymes. 154 00:11:48,500 --> 00:11:51,400 - Get in here! - West side. 155 00:11:51,610 --> 00:11:55,170 - What's gotten into you? - You're my dad, Chef. 156 00:11:55,380 --> 00:11:58,970 You got together with my mom at the Drunken Barn Dance. 157 00:11:59,180 --> 00:12:02,380 What? No! Did I? 158 00:12:02,580 --> 00:12:05,980 You kissed her with your tongue. 159 00:12:06,320 --> 00:12:10,520 Women don't get pregnant from tongue kissing, children. 160 00:12:10,730 --> 00:12:13,320 - So you're not my dad? - Of course not. 161 00:12:13,530 --> 00:12:18,930 Here, you children sit down and let me explain about where babies come from. 162 00:12:19,130 --> 00:12:22,860 Then you'll see why I can't be your dad. 163 00:12:29,610 --> 00:12:32,040 Actually, sometimes a man doesn't love a woman... 164 00:12:32,250 --> 00:12:35,770 ...but he acts like he does to get some action. 165 00:13:27,900 --> 00:13:31,000 What? Who the hell did that to my mom at the Drunken Barn Dance? 166 00:13:31,210 --> 00:13:36,400 Children, that was a long time ago, but I'll tell you what I remember. 167 00:13:39,910 --> 00:13:42,850 Chef, you're so strong. 168 00:13:43,050 --> 00:13:47,280 Hey everybody, look who's here, the AFC Champion Denver Broncos. 169 00:13:47,660 --> 00:13:51,110 - Are we late for the party? - What town is this? 170 00:14:04,270 --> 00:14:08,970 - Damn, woman, what's gotten into you? - Whoopee! 171 00:14:09,910 --> 00:14:14,140 - Garrison, what are you doing? - You're drunk, Mr. Hat. 172 00:14:18,290 --> 00:14:20,950 Oh, man, I'm out of here. 173 00:14:21,160 --> 00:14:25,180 Come on, Chef, haven't you heard of a "manage oh three"? 174 00:14:25,390 --> 00:14:28,160 Yeah, when two women are involved. 175 00:14:28,360 --> 00:14:33,930 Damn! Damn! I guess it will just have to be you and me, Miss Cartman. 176 00:14:34,130 --> 00:14:37,470 And that's who she was with last: Mr. Garrison. 177 00:14:37,670 --> 00:14:42,370 No. No. No, God, no! 178 00:14:43,680 --> 00:14:46,410 And now, America's Stupidest Home Videos. 179 00:14:46,610 --> 00:14:49,880 Here's a video that shows a very disturbed boy. 180 00:14:50,080 --> 00:14:53,580 Thank you, Polly Prissypants. You are my best friend. 181 00:14:53,790 --> 00:14:58,820 You are one of the coolest people in the world, and you are not fat. 182 00:14:59,030 --> 00:15:02,990 - Really, you don't think so? - No, you're not fat. 183 00:15:04,970 --> 00:15:08,900 Stanley, we just heard that your little friend Kenny... 184 00:15:09,100 --> 00:15:12,730 ...was killed by a train. - Huh? Oh, yeah. 185 00:15:12,940 --> 00:15:15,500 Is there anything we can do for you? 186 00:15:15,710 --> 00:15:17,680 - How about ice cream? - Yeah, with butterscotch. 187 00:15:17,880 --> 00:15:22,710 - You bet, you poor dears. - Now the moment you've waited for... 188 00:15:22,920 --> 00:15:27,950 ...when one of our lucky videos qualifies for the $ 10,000 grand prize. 189 00:15:28,160 --> 00:15:29,780 The winner is: 190 00:15:29,990 --> 00:15:33,320 - "Little Boy's Tea Party. " - We're in the finals. 191 00:15:33,530 --> 00:15:36,830 - We're gonna win $ 10,000. - Cartman will be famous. 192 00:15:38,770 --> 00:15:43,860 - I guess we should go, Mr. Hat. - One more cosmopolitan, Mr. Garrison. 193 00:15:44,070 --> 00:15:49,740 Mr. Hat, you need to admit you have a drinking problem. Another cosmo. 194 00:15:50,950 --> 00:15:54,110 All this time... Why didn't you tell me, Father? 195 00:15:54,320 --> 00:15:57,550 - What are you talking about, Eric? - It was you. 196 00:15:57,750 --> 00:16:01,650 You were with my mother at the Drunken Barn Dance. 197 00:16:01,860 --> 00:16:05,760 - Garrison? Impossible, he's gay. - I'm not gay! 198 00:16:05,960 --> 00:16:07,760 Then you slept with my mom? 199 00:16:07,960 --> 00:16:11,260 - He's gay. - Okay, okay, I admit it. 200 00:16:11,470 --> 00:16:16,840 I might have made love to your mother at the dance, but who here didn't? 201 00:16:17,670 --> 00:16:22,900 Now come on, honestly, who here has never had sex with Mrs. Cartman? 202 00:16:29,850 --> 00:16:32,180 - I haven't. - You don't count, Halfy. 203 00:16:32,390 --> 00:16:35,010 - You don't have any legs. - Oh, yeah. 204 00:16:35,220 --> 00:16:41,220 Anyone here could be your father. I'm afraid you're never going to know. 205 00:16:43,030 --> 00:16:47,520 Don't feel too bad, kid. I never knew who my father was either. 206 00:16:47,740 --> 00:16:51,800 I mean, I knew who he was, and we had great times together... 207 00:16:52,010 --> 00:16:54,940 Well, hell, you know what I mean! 208 00:16:59,580 --> 00:17:02,980 - Wait, I know a way to find out. - How? 209 00:17:03,180 --> 00:17:05,810 At my lab, we can do DNA genetic testing. 210 00:17:06,020 --> 00:17:10,350 I'll take blood from you and everyone here and we can learn who your dad is. 211 00:17:10,560 --> 00:17:12,990 - Really? You can? - Yes, of course. 212 00:17:13,190 --> 00:17:15,750 The testing will cost a pretty penny. 213 00:17:15,960 --> 00:17:17,990 - How much? - Three thousand. 214 00:17:18,200 --> 00:17:22,930 - I don't have $3,000. - Oh, never mind. 215 00:17:24,970 --> 00:17:28,200 Dude, I can't wait to win that $ 10,000. 216 00:17:28,410 --> 00:17:32,810 - I'm gonna buy the coolest go-cart. - I'm gonna buy a Walkman. 217 00:17:33,010 --> 00:17:34,840 - Hey, guys. - How's it going? 218 00:17:35,050 --> 00:17:38,920 Fine. How are you guys? 219 00:17:39,120 --> 00:17:44,610 - Dude, what the hell is wrong? - Nothing. It's just, nothing. 220 00:17:44,830 --> 00:17:48,280 - What's the matter? - I wanna know who my dad is... 221 00:17:48,500 --> 00:17:52,960 ...but to find out, they have to do DNA tests and they cost $3,000. 222 00:17:53,170 --> 00:17:57,870 - And I don't have $3,000. - Wow, we're sorry your mom's a whore. 223 00:17:58,070 --> 00:18:02,480 Yeah, it sucks. I have to know who my father is, I just have to. 224 00:18:02,680 --> 00:18:05,540 Maybe I can work in a sweatshop for a while... 225 00:18:05,750 --> 00:18:09,650 Well, see you guys. I'm gonna go play in my back yard. 226 00:18:09,850 --> 00:18:13,580 - We know how you can get $3,000. - You do? 227 00:18:13,790 --> 00:18:17,550 We're in the finals for America's Stupidest Home Videos. 228 00:18:17,760 --> 00:18:21,250 If we win, we'll give you 3,000 of our $ 10,000 prize. 229 00:18:21,460 --> 00:18:24,300 You will? Wow, you guys are the best. 230 00:18:24,500 --> 00:18:26,690 - Thanks, you guys. - Yeah. 231 00:18:27,000 --> 00:18:30,060 And now back to America's Stupidest Home Videos. 232 00:18:30,270 --> 00:18:33,500 - What kind of video did you make? - You'll see. 233 00:18:33,710 --> 00:18:36,640 It's time to crown the $ 10,000 winner. 234 00:18:36,840 --> 00:18:38,840 It's down to three videos. 235 00:18:39,050 --> 00:18:42,540 First, it's "Dog Who Puts Hat on Master's Head." 236 00:18:42,750 --> 00:18:45,740 I'm a little dog. I'm just a little dog. 237 00:18:45,950 --> 00:18:49,220 But I've gotta put a hat on my master's head. 238 00:18:52,160 --> 00:18:56,060 Now, our second finalist, "Little Boy Has a Tea Party." 239 00:18:56,260 --> 00:18:59,160 Polly Prissypants, you are my best friend. 240 00:18:59,370 --> 00:19:01,960 Thank you, Eric. 241 00:19:02,170 --> 00:19:05,630 Boy, looks like this kid needs some therapy. 242 00:19:05,840 --> 00:19:08,140 We're sure to win, Cartman. Then you'll get your DNA money. 243 00:19:08,340 --> 00:19:14,080 I am so pissed off right now. 244 00:19:14,280 --> 00:19:17,080 They laughed hardest at our video. We're gonna win! 245 00:19:17,280 --> 00:19:20,850 And, finally, "Young Child Gets Hit by a Train." 246 00:19:21,050 --> 00:19:27,050 I'm such a cute little kid. I wonder if I can get this go-cart started. 247 00:19:32,370 --> 00:19:36,560 I hope I don't get hit by a train. I sure did. 248 00:19:37,870 --> 00:19:41,310 - Oh, my God, they taped killing Kenny! - You bastards! 249 00:19:41,510 --> 00:19:45,210 Now, that's what I call a joy ride. 250 00:19:45,410 --> 00:19:50,440 And the winner is, naturally, "Little Boy Being Hit by a Train." 251 00:19:51,050 --> 00:19:52,780 - Dude, we lost. - Damn it! 252 00:19:52,990 --> 00:19:58,720 I am going to f* *king kill you guys, seriously! 253 00:19:58,930 --> 00:20:00,760 Take a bow, Mr. Marsh. 254 00:20:00,960 --> 00:20:03,260 - I won, I won. - Grandpa! 255 00:20:03,460 --> 00:20:09,100 Our other finalists will get $3,000 runner-up prizes. See you next time. 256 00:20:09,300 --> 00:20:13,330 Hear that? We get $3,000. That's enough for your DNA tests. 257 00:20:13,540 --> 00:20:18,480 Kill you guys. Kill you guys! 258 00:20:21,920 --> 00:20:25,980 From everyone's accounts, I've narrowed down Eric's possible father... 259 00:20:26,190 --> 00:20:31,020 ...to the people in this room: Officer Barbrady, Chef, Jimbo... 260 00:20:31,230 --> 00:20:34,320 ...Mr. Garrison, Ned, Chief Running Water... 261 00:20:34,530 --> 00:20:37,860 ...Gerald Broflovski, myself, my friend Kevin... 262 00:20:38,070 --> 00:20:40,970 ...or the 1989 Denver Broncos. 263 00:20:41,170 --> 00:20:43,970 I knew Cartman's mom was a slut, but goddamn! 264 00:20:44,170 --> 00:20:46,470 The results are in this envelope. 265 00:20:46,670 --> 00:20:51,840 - Shall I open it? - Yes, for God's sake, get on with it. 266 00:20:52,050 --> 00:20:55,500 The father of Eric Cartman is indeed someone in this room. 267 00:20:55,720 --> 00:20:59,150 - The father is... - Who is Eric Cartman's father? 268 00:20:59,350 --> 00:21:02,950 Is it Chief Running Water? Or is it Chef? 269 00:21:03,160 --> 00:21:06,750 Is it Mephisto, or that little monkey guy? 270 00:21:06,960 --> 00:21:09,430 - Or is it Mr. Garrison? - No, he's gay. 271 00:21:09,630 --> 00:21:13,690 - You go to hell and you die! - Is it Jimbo? 272 00:21:13,900 --> 00:21:16,890 - Or is it Officer Barbrady? - Huh? Where? 273 00:21:17,100 --> 00:21:19,130 - Or could it be Ned? - Could be. 274 00:21:19,340 --> 00:21:22,600 - Or Mr. Broflovski? - Dad, how could you? 275 00:21:22,810 --> 00:21:25,870 Or is it the 1991 Denver Broncos? 276 00:21:26,080 --> 00:21:30,040 The answer is coming on an all-new South Park in just four weeks. 277 00:21:30,250 --> 00:21:32,780 What? Son of a bitch!