(GIGGLES)
Is this you initiating?
Yeah, yeah. Yeah.
Excellent. So let's talk about it.
I'm Caitlin V and I am a sex and relationship coach.
This is a story about what to do on a date.
That'll be fun. Yeah.
My calling in life is to help people have better sex.
As a sex coach, unlike a therapist,
I can do more than just talk with my clients.
I'll invite you to use your fingers.
Moving slowly,
touch your partner's body,
their hair, their skin.
I can demonstrate. Do you want to try it?
Uh, sure.
I can educate.
So we have outer labia here. We have the inner labia here.
We have the clitoral hood.
Underneath it is the clitoris,
which comes out after she's turned on and aroused.
Boy, you sure make it sound easy.
How do you do it? Practice, my boy. Experience.
All to help them find maximum sexual pleasure.
On a scale from one to five, how pleasurable was that?
A five. A five, excellent.
I have a master's degree from Indiana University,
the home of the Kinsey Institute, which has amazing programmes for studying sexuality and gender.
After a decade of coaching, I have found
that what clients tell me is going on in the bedroom is not the full story.
So I've come up with a radical approach.
I've asked my clients to put cameras in their bedrooms.
Turn the camera left.
And go ahead and look up your shirt a little bit.
(LAUGHS) OK.
Say cheese.
You're not scared to be on camera? No. In the bedroom?
I'm a little nervous because I don't want you to see my ass cheeks, but... Oh, goodness!
I never thought I would be doing something like this ever.
It isn't always easy.
But my approach has been revolutionary for getting to
the truth of what's happening between the sheets.
Aah! (LAUGHS)
Tell me about it. What happened?
I know we've been having a lot of sex. On the camera and off.
So I can help people transform their sex lives.
We all want it. We all deserve it.
Let me help you get it.
I'm Ben. This is Annie. We've been dating for about two years.
We met on a dating app.
Um, and had kind of a little hitch. We didn't connect on the first time.
I think Annie said no.
And maybe... No, I cancelled on you.
Well... True.
Yeah. I took it as a no.
But... Ha!
I gave it another try
and, begrudgingly, she showed up.
It was the best evening.
We talked for hours
and I had butterflies the whole time.
Part of dinner was great.
We changed seats and her dress fell off!
It just popped open.
Yeah. Um... "Oh, my God. I can't believe it."
Did you sleep OK?
I need coffee.
All right.
(GIGGLES)
Yeah, after a 20-year marriage, it was definitely a change to be out in the dating scene.
I had one girlfriend in high school
and then I married my college sweetheart, so I didn't really
have experience dating, pretty much ever.
Yeah, I married my college sweetheart, as well.
Ben, what do you think of these angles?
Is it... You tell me. Let me get the camera right. Um...
You look good. OK. Let me try the other one.
OK. Is this... Ooh.
Don't break it. Yeah, I know. You'll have to buy it.
Putting in the bedroom cameras is a little nerve-wracking.
It makes me nervous, exposing myself in a fully vulnerable way.
Even if it's just to Caitlin. It takes some trust.
That's...perfect.
Oh, Daisy! (BOTH LAUGH)
As great as our sex is, um,
I'm not able to stay hard.
Or even get hard sometimes.
(SHOWER ON)
Yeah.
Well, I would be worried, actually, if you didn't, if you weren't...
Not worried, but just like...
I think it's normal and expected.
Well, yeah. To not be comfortable with cameras watching you.
And it's so distressing and disheartening to be...
right in the middle of...
of having great sex
and then having things just...
fall apart.
How do you feel about Caitlin watching?
Um...
I think she's seen much crazier things.
I didn't really know I had erectile dysfunction problems in my marriage,
because I, um,
hadn't had a lot of sexual activity, um, for many years.
My relationship with my ex, it was not common for us to have sex at all.
Then to start dating and be so excited about getting to experience
having a healthy sexual relationship
and then to have erectile dysfunction problems
was really distressing,
um, and disappointing and kind of crushing.
So I...wanted to reach out to Caitlin
and see if she could help.
Daisy, what do you think?
Also, you have my underwear.
(LAUGHS) I like those. Please don't chew a hole in them.
Daisy.
There... I know, I like it, too.
(GROWLS) Wow!
Oh, did she really growl at you?
Yeah. Oh, my goodness!
Ah, you shouldn't be.
No.
Of course you're not.
(LAUGHS) Fuck you.
Hi. Hi. Hi. Come on in.
I never thought I would be doing something like this ever.
Ever.
I still am not sure it's actually happening.
(LAUGHS) But it is.
Talk to me about what brought you in to see me.
It was me that drove it in. Ben brought us in. Yeah, um...
(SIGHS)
So, I, um,
I've been having problems with erectile dysfunction,
um, delayed...
ejaculation, uh, and even just getting hard, staying hard.
I went to the doctor, I did all of the bloodwork and all of the everything
to know that it's not just a physical...
you know, it's not a health issue, that, that I've identified.
I've tried getting a prescription for a medication that doesn't work very well.
I still have a limp dick way more than I want.
I feel your frustration.
Currently, how many times that you have sex together end in ejaculation?
About 20%.
And I want to be able to,
to climax when, cum when I want.
I work with clients all the time who struggle with erectile dysfunction.
It is incredibly common.
Up to 40% of men in their 40s deal with ED
and it actually only increases as they age.
Bad diet, diabetes and cardiovascular disease can all cause erectile dysfunction.
But so can stress, PTSD,
anxiety and performance pressure.
You've thought a lot about what prevents you from getting and keeping and maintaining
and what affects your erectile flow?
Sure. And I want to hear
what is your working hypothesis
on why you don't get erect when you want to.
Can I get charts and graphs out? I've got them... No.
Do you have any spreadsheets?
I think the problem is that I have a disconnect between my...
largest sexual organ, my brain, and my body.
So there'll be a TV on in the background
in some other room, something like that and it just pulls me out.
And as soon as that string gets pulled, the whole thing unravels.
And you experience this? You see this happen to him?
Yeah. And I'm thinking in my head,
"What can I do to help you just be here?"
Not in here, but just here.
Yeah.
And I don't know.
You know, I know that the issues are, are here and here and...
I want to be in more control of that.
And, ironically, erections are like shy cats. The same as orgasms. Right?
Like, the harder that we chase them, the harder that they are to find.
It's very rare that a client comes to me with strictly a physical erectile dysfunction.
Almost always
there's some internal work that he needs to do in order to regain his erections.
But there are some simple things that we can look at first.
I have a clip, actually, that I think is perfect to bring forward right now.
Prior to my first meeting with them,
I ask my clients to put cameras in their bedrooms, so that I can review the footage
and point out things that maybe they don't notice in the heat of the moment.
(LAUGHS)
I'm feeling a little bit of...
an out-of-body experience.
I feel like a voyeur,
watching myself,
which is super weird.
Under the covers.
(LAUGHS)
You're a champ. I was locked in.
This menage-a-paw cannot be helping Ben to maintain his erection.
2 00:11:49.640 -- 00:11:54.200 align:middle line:90% position:50% In Ben and Annie's bedroom footage, the first thing that I notice is the dog.
Anything that enters into the bedroom, whether it's a dog, a cell phone,
a television, a kid, a newborn,
you name it, it is a distraction
from the couple's erotic experience together.
With that kind of interruption,
anyone would have trouble maintaining their erection.
This is practically a threesome.
You have got to get the dog out of the bedroom. OK?
I love Daisy.
And I want to be inclusive of...
everything that Annie loves.
But the dog has got to go.
What other thirds are finding their way into your bedroom?
Well, you could say my inexperience in the bedroom is a third.
I didn't have a lot of...
partners.
I've had...
..this one and one other one.
Um... So, um...
..I have been...learning.
Yeah. Well, and, like,
where do we see the way to touch a penis?
There's sort of like one motion.
This is it. Right.
And no-one really teaches us that there's any alternative
to how we can approach a penis, hard or soft.
I want to know all the alternatives.
As a sex coach, part of my toolkit includes anatomical models
and puppets, so that I can show my clients exactly what I mean when I give them sexual advice.
Oh, he's blue. He's blue.
What I want to do is show you a couple of different sort of styles
of touch that you can use on an erect penis and on a soft penis.
Before there's even pants off, light stroking.
And hovering, without even touching.
Everything exists in the space in between "I may touch you"
and "I am touching you".
The purpose of all of this is not hardness.
I want to make that perfectly clear.
The purpose of all of this is pleasure. It's fun, it's enjoyable.
There's just so much, like, commanding,
so much expectation
on cocks
and how they're not functioning exactly the way we want,
exactly how we want.
I want to invite you to start to have a different relationship
to your cock that is based in gratitude and appreciation.
The truth is that, even though he may not function exactly how you want all the time,
has he done some great stuff for you?
Yeah. He did last night.
Ahh!
Once clothing is removed, this is a great time to incorporate, like,
full strokes, tracing the head, stopping at the frenulum.
This very sensitive part, where the majority of the nerve endings are located.
Long strokes.
Firm strokes. And then I would love for you to, like, get creative.
Use both hands in, like, a windshield-wipers fashion.
As long as it feels comfortable for you.
You'll be giving her feedback as she's doing this.
All of these touches could also be applied to the testicles, depending on his preferences.
I'm looking forward to trying...
just hovering
and the heat that comes from your hand
and the anticipation is exciting.
Do you have any other questions on that in particular?
I took notes.
You can't fuck it up. You can't fuck it up. Yeah.
Of course, overcoming erectile dysfunction will take more than just good technique.
How ready is Ben to receive Annie's full attention?
What would it be like to just have your cock be adored and appreciated?
When I'm...
When I'm in that moment,
um, where she's giving...
..it's hard to let go
and just accept and receive.
What's hard about it?
Well, I'm not used to it, for one thing.
When I examine Ben and Annie's dynamic,
I see Ben having an unreliable erection
has really led him to focus intensely on pleasuring his partner,
almost without regard for his own needs.
It's important that Ben understands that sex is as much about receiving as it is giving.
I want to do an exercise with the two of you that I think is going to help specifically
about asking and receiving.
I want Ben to ask for what he wants from Annie.
So I asked them to play the three-minute game.
This is a game in which one person directs the other
on how they want to be touched.
During that time, Annie,
you are going to be giving touch to Ben at Ben's direction.
Ready? I'm ready. OK.
Can you run your nails up the back of my head?
And play with my hair?
And...
Not too high.
Just relax. Um...
Can you play with my ear lobes? I like that.
I do have a knot on my back that I really like.
You know the spot, I think.
Higher.
There.
Can you get an elbow in there?
Yeah, that's the spot.
Excellent. Good work. Yeah, that...
It's hard. What was hard?
(SIGHS)
Asking.
Um... Feeling self-conscious.
Am I doing this right?
Um... Is she going to want to do this?
Am I asking for too much?
There's nothing to be afraid of there. OK?
I know it's difficult for him, but learning to get his own needs met
will help Ben achieve a more reliable erection.
For your homework, I want you to continue playing the three-minute game.
The goal is not arousal. The goal is pleasure.
The goal is not hardness or wetness. The goal is pleasure.
Take erections off the table.
Actually to go so far in the other direction as to say that...
you're not allowed to get an erection.
And even if you do, your job is to completely ignore it.
In fact, you could even assign a punishment.
Telling Ben not to get an erection or else he will be punished is one of the oldest tricks in the book.
It is classic reverse-psychology.
I'm looking forward to being a straight A student.
This not something I'm really comfortable with. Directing Annie in how...
I want to receive pleasure makes me feel...
a little nervous.
Just make sure that you film it, so that we can review it next session.
Mother, is it wrong to feel warm and affectionate with a boy you really like?
No, dear, it is not wrong.
It's the way happy marriages are built.
Let's start from the beginning. I brought some charts.
Maybe this will help.
Hi, Connor. Welcome.
Come on in.
Thank you.
Sometimes, people come to see me for a single session to work on a very specific sexual issue.
What brings you in to see a sex coach?
Um... I've never had sex.
How old are you?
28.
Tell me why you've never had sex.
It sounds so weird, because, like,
I want to say I've never found someone I want to have sex with,
but it doesn't mean that I haven't found people sexually attractive.
Hooking up with a stranger, it's never just been for me.
So you want to have sex and you want to have a relationship? Yes. Great.
And I've tried dating apps, but...
getting past that, like, talking phase, that is tough.
You also do have...
..what I experience as, like, a desire to get it right... Yeah. ..around sex.
And so feeling like, "I don't know what I've got to do to get it right" is just one more barrier
to actually pursuing a romantic relationship, a sexual relationship.
That was kind of one of my fears, too, like,
going into my first sexual encounter, I'd be like,
"I don't know what I'm doing."
Like some, some poor woman is gonna be like, "What is this, high school?"
Maybe, I don't know.
The good news about this new experience is that
every single one of your ancestors in an unbroken chain,
all the way back to the first homosapien sapien has had this experience.
True. Yeah.
What I'd like to do is I want to actually demo some touches for you.
OK. So that when that moment does come, you feel more confident
in your ability on how just to approach a woman's body.
And I'll teach you just a handful of things that you can do
that will help you to feel more confident,
but also really make you look like a pro in that moment.
Sound good? Yes. Great.
Connor's inhibitions are rooted in a lack of knowledge.
The more information that I can give him that will help him to feel confident
during his first sexual encounter, the easier that encounter will be for him.
So I decided to bring out my sex doll
and give Connor a hands-on demonstration, so that he knows,
step-by-step, exactly what to do.
Oh, no. I have to stop myself, because this is a very serious session
and I'm trying not to break out laughing.
2 00:21:49.800 -- 00:21:54.040 align:middle line:90% position:50% So, as you can see, this is mostly anatomically accurate.
OK. Yeah.
For what would be a very petite, very Caucasian, totally hairless woman.
Mm-hm. Aesthetically, this is what we see mostly in porn.
Right? Yeah.
I'm here, this is happening.
Just gonna stick through it. I'm in too deep to leave.
OK, so I'm gonna show you a series of different touches.
Obviously, we're all the way to, like, a sexual encounter, by this point. Mm-hm.
And so what I might do is I may just
hold my presence by hovering my hand.
This is a great way of just being like, "Hey, hi."
Mm. So, in porn, they don't show that.
In porn, they're like, "Pizza's here! Penetration!"
Then I might do some really light touches.
So, that might be...
just fingertips.
Mm-hm.
The magic in this touch in particular is that the speciousness
creates anticipation.
Mm. "When is he gonna touch?"
Oh. "When is it gonna happen?" Right?
It's a build-up. That's what it sounds like.
It's just building up to that. Yeah.
Let me see your energetic touch.
There. And then...
This is technically the first woman I've touched, so I hope she has a good time, too.
Then...the motion here.
OK, let's talk about internal touch.
So I'm gonna apply lube to my hand
and then onto her body.
And I'm going to actually
just lightly enter her.
From here, I would begin to raise my finger up and I'm going to make
a "come here" motion.
I'm gonna begin to activate her G-spot by doing this.
The G-spot is a highly sensitive patch of tissue that is located on
the inside wall of the vagina,
between one and two inches inside.
And when it is stimulated correctly, it can be very pleasurable.
It can be linked to or cause an orgasm
and it can even cause squirting.
I may do "a windshield wipers" on the G-spot.
I may do a pat.
I may combine all the above.
A lot of people assume that this motion feels good,
because this is essentially recreating what a penis would be doing.
This sort of, like, thrusting motion.
I say, there's no need to recreate what the penis can do with the fingers.
Their best use is that they actually can move, rotate, change direction.
Most of the sensation that comes from stimulating a vagina with your fingers
really exists within the first inch to two inches inside of her body.
That's funny, I looked at my hand, I was like, "I have short, fat fingers." Perfect! You're in luck.
Yes! Yes!
Do you want to try it? Uh, sure.
So, slow.
That's the perfect depth.
Windshield wipers.
'The sex doll is absurdly jiggly.'
I don't think a woman is that jiggly.
Maybe.
And a little circle.
And then the "come here".
(LAUGHS)
As I'm practising on the sex doll, I feel...
a little lost,
but I realised that this is the time to practise and learn, so...
You know, I'm just figuring it out.
And, remember, this whole time, she's giving you feedback.
She might be like, "ah-oh", "move forward", "move back".
Yeah. Invite her to let you know with her words,
when you've touched on something that she really likes. All right.
Here. Thank you.
We've just cleaned up. The doll still has oil on it.
It doesn't have hands.
I think a courtesy wipe is necessary.
How confident are you feeling, compared to how you were before, in this moment?
A lot more. Um...
Like, a lot. You know?
Wow.
Uh... Just...
This was really helpful. Excellent. Thank you.
I always carry fingernail trimmers around, because working in the situations I do,
it's good to keep them trimmed,
but now I have an extra reason.
# Ooh-whoa-oaa-oaa-oaa
# You're truly sweet
# You're so sweet
# Boy, you're beautiful, quiet and special
# Friendly and pleasing in every way
# You put that sweet
BOTH: # Sweet in my sour #
My name is Erica. I'm Tommy.
Erica and I met in our early 20s and it was love at first sight,
but despite our undeniable connection,
I was with somebody else at the time.
I knew that I loved him and it was very frustrating when I found out
that this person, that I felt something I never felt before, was taken.
I went through with...
a doomed marriage
and Erica and I lost touch.
She was always the one that got away. Cut to ten years later,
I'm producing music and I needed a female singer.
And so I called Erica.
Four months later, we were married.
We have been making beautiful music ever since.
Can you draw a sun with a smiley face? OK. It's so bright.
During the ten years we were apart, I got married and divorced.
I got married
and divorced twice and had two children.
(SQUEALS)
And now we're raising our girls together.
Just precious.
He definitely introduced me to my sexuality.
Like, it was like...
"Hello!"
But there's only one problem.
I can't orgasm from penetration.
Sex is something that has been taboo and it's, like,
there are some mental blocks...
..where she's about to come and then...
..it's like...
Something, I don't know what it is.
We decided to work with a sex coach, because I want to get over
whatever it is that's keeping me from having an orgasm.
I want that, too.
Yeah.
Hello. Hey.
Welcome. Hi. Come on in.
Have a seat on the couch. Take a second.
It smells good. Yes, it does.
It smells good in here? Mm-hm. All right.
Today, I'm meeting with a new couple, Erica and Thomas.
They contacted me with a very common complaint about their sex life.
I'm excited to see how I can help.
Before we dive in, I want to just talk about the words that we're gonna use for genitals.
What words would feel comfortable for the two of you to refer to your genitals, to your partner's?
I call mine "Virginia". Virginia? Yes.
OK. Tackling box.
Just joking.
Whatever really works for you. Penis. We know what you're talking about.
Tell me about what brought you to see me today. What brings you here?
Well...
I cannot come from penetrative sex.
I want everything that she wants to happen for her.
Every time that we have sex, I'm trying to crack the uncrackable egg.
You know what I mean? And when I feel like I'm failing at it,
my penis just doesn't feel like... "OK, well, you know what, we're not doing a good job here."
And then it's like, "OK, now I'm back into problem-solving
and critical thinking, instead of present...
being."
Yeah. This is something I have,
historically, been good at.
And so it can be a little disheartening.
And...
You know? It sucks.
Something like 20% to 30% of women can just come with penetrative sex.
That's not a lot, right? Two to three out of ten? Yeah?
I firmly believe that it's available to more than 20% to 30% of women. I firmly believe that.
One of the ways that I've experienced that is through just stillness.
That allows me to focus on the actual sensation.
When, sometimes, there's a lot of movement, there's a lot of stimulation,
it's harder to just hone in on what's going on.
Like, I think, sometimes, I hold back my own pleasure, because I'm not...
free enough in here.
And we both really are extremely sexual creatures.
And that, sort of, clashes with the way that she was raised.
So, sometimes,
we have some hiccups in the bedroom, from time to time.
What's the clash?
Well, um,
I was raised very strict,
where...my sexuality was stunted.
My dad is a pastor and...
he raised us very strictly.
It was on a whole another level.
It was to the extreme.
You weren't allowed to speak privately with any male.
So that stunted my growth in communication, like, with the opposite sex.
Erica, back then,
did not know how to put her lips on anything.
Probably, it was messing up the food she was eating.
Whatever. They're, like, chastity-belt hard.
I had never kissed. She was definitely nervous.
"Jesus is watching!"
We were taught to be perfect, without a spot or a blemish. Yeah.
That was how it was, like Jesus wants perfection.
OK, so you're walking on eggshells, setting yourself up for failure.
That's a hard standard. Like, "I thought wrong today, oh, God, I'm going to hell!"
Perfection or damnation. Yeah. Right.
You know? And, for me, I'm goal-oriented during sex.
And so I want her to receive pleasure.
OK. Let's get into some clips of the two of you together. All right.
How do you feel about that? That's the thing that I'm freaking out about.
The cameras do add a bit of...
anxiety, so...
Yeah.
It is scary, because it's like, the people at church, "What? You did what?"
"Oh, hell for you! Hell."
A deep breath, everybody.
(LAUGHTER) Let's start with this moment.
Oh, my God, look at us! Oh, my God. What is going on?
Aah.
That felt good.
Now, we're just a couple of minutes into your sexual encounter here.
We go from like, "Are we having sex? We're having sex. Boom!"
"(MOANS)"
(LAUGHS)
Uhh...
(MOANS)
She is moaning at full volume, full force.
And I just know this has got to be a part of a performance for her,
not actually in response to what's happening.
Uh-uh-uh-uh.
Ahhh!
We're six minutes in, I know you're not coming like that.
Uh-uh. I didn't come.
I've had sex a lot and...
my goal in having sex was...
getting her to come.
If she didn't have an orgasm, then I failed.
2 00:34:08.840 -- 00:34:10.720 align:middle line:75% position:50% Let's go do our homework!
I asked Ben and Annie to continue to play the three-minute game, so that
Ben can have the experience of taking in pleasure, without the pressure to get an erection.
How do you want me to touch you?
I want you to...
..play with my hair, with my head in your lap.
I can do that. You're OK with that? I'm OK with that.
OK. Go.
Caitlin told me not to get an erection,
so I picked hair, because it was not so sexual.
Use your nails more, like on my scalp.
'I love playing with Ben's hair.'
I mean, that feeling when somebody's scratching your scalp is just, like, insane. Who wouldn't want that?
Is it OK if I drool on your leg?
It's OK if you drool on my leg.
(LAUGHS) Thank you for asking.
Like that? Uh-huh. (TIMER RINGS)
I don't hear anything.
Yes. No. Yes!
(GIGGLES) Yes.
I know arousal isn't the point of this game.
OK, so that's three more minutes.
But it's hard not to get turned on when you're touching each other.
That feels good.
I'm glad you like my hands so much.
(TIMER RINGS)
Thank you.
I think we should play it again.
It'll take me longer than three minutes.
(GIGGLES)
Bom-chicka-bom-bom!
(GIGGLES)
OK, you ready?
Yee-haw! (LAUGHS)
(MOANS)
I wasn't supposed to get an erection,
but when the thing has come up, I'm not gonna let that go to waste.
I feel bad for Ben, but maybe we should have followed the rules
and given him a punishment for getting an erection.
It's disappointing not being able to finish.
Even though we've met with Caitlin once, there's a lot more work to do.
The feelings between us kept getting stronger and stronger,
then things seemed to happen.
Here, maybe a diagram will help.
The level of intensity
that you are playing at is so high that it's hard to go higher.
Erica and Thomas have come to see me, because Erica has not been able to have an orgasm from penetration.
The first thing I notice in their bedroom cameras is the intensity of their sex.
When you start at ten, your nerve endings become overwhelmed.
And then they start to...
downgrade the amount of stimulation that they're capable of receiving.
The takeaway here is tease,
touch and...
stroke and massage,
squeeze and grab and maybe even like...
Foreplay. ..gently scratch each other. Mm-hm.
By the time that you actually reach penetration at all, she's literally begging you.
I'm all for that.
Because you, Erica, essentially,
are a sensual person.
The first thing you said to me when you came in here is, "It smells good."
You're in it. You're wearing a fuzzy sweater. Superpower. You're wearing fuzzy slippers!
You're a sensual person.
Oh, man. Wow. And let's embrace that, because it's a superpower.
OK. You didn't even know you was a superhero, did you?
One of the other things that really helps for many sensual people is
a sensation that is strong enough to get you out of your mind.
And this could be like...
a long, slow scratch.
This can be a spanking. There is a way to spank.
Yeah. OK.
We played around in a sex store with a few whips.
Yeah! Definitely doing it wrong.
Whipping it, like whipping a wet towel at somebody.
A ten, starting at a ten.
Actually, I have... This wasn't my game plan for today, but let's have a look.
My box of goodies. OK.
Oh, man.
'I pull out a flogger, which is a multi-tailed whip.'
I bring out this toy, because, to use it properly, you have to
slow down, focus on sensation and really communicate with your partner.
Exactly what Erica and Thomas need to do, if Erica is going to achieve an orgasm.
So you can absolutely start with this at like...
Well, that wasn't very good.
You can get there, right? Or you can start with, like, this.
Let me see that thing.
So, try, try level one.
Erica, let's set a consent container first. Erica, where?
All right, set consent. Oh.
Do you give me permission? Where would you like to receive your flogging? Right there?
So start at a one. What does a one look like?
Is that a one? I don't know. I mean, I can go up to 100.
Give it back. Here's a one.
Oh, that's a one? All right.
(LAUGHTER) Like, man, what is a two gonna be?
This is a one.
Think of what the ten is. Here's a five.
That's five? This is five. OK.
Let's... Erica, why don't you show him?
Yeah, beat my ass! That's a yes.
OK. While we're doing this, are there any parts of your body that you
absolutely do you not want the flogger to come into contact with?
No. I'm cool.
(MOUTHS)
Um, you know, I mean,
my exposed eyeball
probably is not a good one.
Well, yeah, I'm not gonna even go above the neck.
Well, this is the purpose of us having this conversation.
I want you to get this granular when you talk about it.
That kind of communication makes me a lot more comfortable about being able to...
successfully please...
you,
if I have that kind of information.
I mean, it doesn't have to be packaged so beautifully all the time, but definitely not...
You know? "OK, well, you know,
guess and do whatever."
You're guessing?
But you can just ask.
You don't have to guess. Just ask.
This level of communication is...
expert level.
Knowing yourself to this degree is hard work.
And it takes the willingness to mess up, to make mistakes, to get hurt.
You know? And the person holding this is holding the power in their hands,
but they are in service
to the other person.
The person who is receiving the flogging is the person who is really the director of their own experience.
OK.
Let's try a way that you can build even more anticipation in touch.
Spank and then touch. We're doing it over denim right now,
but if there was skin, you thwack and then you bring your soothing hand.
Ah. Now your hand is, like, soothing.
So may I hit your arm?
Oh, please. And try that out.
OK? Please. And what level would you like on your arm?
Yes! Hm... I would like a five, please. Smack me right now.
That was definitely not a five. What was it?
That was... (CHUCKLES)
That was... Are you less...
Did my soothing hand help? Are you less frustrated now?
You know what? Forget it. Psssh!
Right? I'm calling our safe word here.
Because I want... I know we're having fun, this is enjoyable, it's funny.
Where can we bring a level of seriousness to this, so that we can bring that into your bedroom?
This matters.
OK. All right.
If you want him to give you a five when you want a five, you better give him a five when he wants a five.
I didn't know that wasn't a five, so I'm sorry. What was it?
That was a nine or an eight.
I'm not good at measuring...
This is exposed skin and it's thinner, more sensitive.
When Erica thwacks Thomas really hard on the arm,
despite him asking for a level five,
she violated his boundary.
When we know what our boundaries are, we can play all the way up to the limits,
but if I'm not sure what's OK with you and what isn't,
I can do some serious damage.
And we saw that.
I'm not doing that no more.
No, I would like you to, please.
OK.
Now I'm anxious for this five.
Yeah. No, I don't feel comfortable hitting you.
I want you to hit me.
No. I'm not comfortable with the... Is that a five?
I don't know what a five is.
The only way we're gonna find out is by you jumping in the pool.
I did, that was a five. That was not a five. No. I don't...
OK, that's a five. Cos... That's a five. OK.
There we go. High five for the five.
You know that that's hard, telling what the numbers are. Like... Yeah, it's practice.
Go ahead and have a seat.
'I'm super critical of myself.'
And I really don't know where to go from here.
I still feel that ten.
My bad, I thought it was a five. No, that's OK. It's OK.
So...
what are you feeling in your body right now?
I'm uncomfortable.
She entered into a shame spiral
and got very triggered by the mistake that she made.
I know that this is going to become one of the central themes of our time together.
What I see coming up is perfectionism.
If I can't get it perfectly right... ALL: I don't want to do it.
Yes. Pretty much. Mm-hm.
What's up for you right now?
This is my third marriage, Caitlin.
Yeah. So...
I am in my head, a lot of the time.
And the sex things in my other marriages were definitely a problem
that was never addressed.
You know? So it's different, the expectations are different.
You get to decide...
what a marriage means to you.
Mm-hm. Right. Third time's the charm.
Mm-hm.
At the end of my session with Erica and Thomas, I experience her as
so closed off
that I wonder if I'm ever gonna be able to really get in.
Then it occurs to me that this is exactly the same thing that is
happening within her body and her pleasure.
She is going to need to let me in,
if she is going to actually be able to let an orgasm happen.
2 00:45:52.320 -- 00:45:53.920 align:middle line:90% position:50% I'm Adam.
I'm Alanna. We met at the gym four years ago,
so fitness has always been a huge part of our relationship.
Looking good.
He was my trainer.
For about two sessions
and then we quickly moved our sessions out of the gym.
Give me a flex.
Yeah.
And we've been inseparable ever since.
What do you think? (WHISTLES)
Oh, my God. I like it.
Do you think just the heels?
Maybe. I love the socks.
But we can do shots with both. We can do some with and without.
You look incredible. Thanks, babe.
We've overcome a lot to be where we are today.
When she met me, I was a veteran, who was dealing with
stuff in his own head and a heroin addict.
And that was self-destructive.
I needed someone in my life who I had to be responsible for.
I'm the happiest person alive because I'm with Alanna. Definitely. Me, too.
OK. OK, this looks perfect.
OK. Turn around. My boobs don't look too flat?
No. OK. Do you want me to feel them, just in case? Sure. Thanks.
Our jobs are in social media. We've been doing it for about a year.
We started making funny videos.
I'm more of the funny. She's more of the beauty.
I'll make you laugh, but they want to look at her.
As we grew, we branched off into making sexier and more risque videos
and now we have quite a big following.
Drop it just real quick so I can see.
That's something we've been doing a lot more of recently.
That's actually a really cool look, with the glow behind you.
No, no. Turn just a little bit.
Lean back? Stop. What?
Stop. You look perfect. You always second-guess at the last minute. I know.
'I've always struggled with my confidence.'
Especially when she's, like, naked or something like that or feeling vulnerable.
She'll close up. You know what I mean?
And I want to be able to make an advancement, but, like,
a lot of times, it's like...
either closed off or like "we're too busy right now".
Babe...
Babe, we have so much to do.
I can think of a lot of things to do right now. Yeah.
So now I'm, like, tiptoeing on thin ice, like,
"OK, I'm in the mood right now, but how do I approach this? Like..."
Then, again, he's in the mood 24/7, so in my defence...
That's very true.
Like, of course, you want to be able to grab your woman.
You want to know that you can please them.
You want to be this man who can give your woman everything.
So that's why we reached out to a sex coach
and actually agreed to put cameras in our bedroom,
um, because we need help.
Oh, God.
Oh, man.
Are you nervous? Yeah.
Do you ask her, like, "How do I look? Do I look good naked?"
That's all, that's all we're here for. That's all we want.
Honestly, I'm afraid that, if I can't work on my own issues right now,
then we're just gonna end up like every other relationship that fails.
Hi. Hey.
Hi. Welcome. Come on in.
All right.
I'm afraid that, over time,
I'm just gonna drive Alanna away.
Welcome. How are you feeling?
A little bit nervous. Yeah. But I'm good.
Yeah, I think that's totally to be expected.
So tell me about what brings you in to see me.
When it comes to, like, the bedroom,
we got to meet in the middle a little bit more,
because I have a really high sex drive,
but Alanna's just isn't as high.
So if we have to do something for social media,
especially if she's wearing something very, very sexy,
sometimes she'll walk by me and, naturally, I just want to, like,
smack her ass. Yeah. I've done that before and then it's like...
(SIGHS)
And then as soon as I get the... (SIGHS),
it's like, "Oh, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, OK."
What does that... (SIGHS) ..signal to you?
Shut down, denied, rejected.
What comes up for you when you hear that?
I, like, hear what he's saying, but, for me, it's hard,
because I feel like it's literally happening all the time.
How often do you usually have sex?
Uh, like, every day.
It's always...sex every day. He needs, like, super reassurance.
So, if we have, like, ten days of great, amazing, crazy sex
and then one day of, like, not great sex, then it's like all those good days go away.
And then I'm like, "Ah, what the heck?"
And so it's like...
Yeah, I don't know.
I think one of the things that I witnessed
and maybe this is a good opportunity for us to pull out a clip,
it seems like initiation is a place where there's a breakdown happening.
Yes, exactly. Right.
Oh, God. No. That is what I was worried about.
So take a deep breath, feel your butts in the chair.
(EXHALES)
I don't like watching myself on anything, never mind, like, something so intimate.
So I think it'll be...rough.
You're so cute.
Oh, Lord. So weird.
OK.
(GIGGLES)
Uhh! (LAUGHS)
I'm honestly pretty nervous to hear what Caitlin's gonna say about our bedroom cameras.
It's clear to me that Adam and Alanna have a real problem here
and it's going to take a lot of work and commitment in order to solve it.
..on Good Sex...
I'm meeting with a new couple today.
Rae and Ace. Rae's constant masturbation is interrupting their sex life.
Do you not want me anymore? Is that what that meant to you? That's how I feel.
I've decided to give Ben the assignment of creating a masculine erotic persona,
because that is the part of him that he has truly repressed.
He's kinky and he's not shy about tying people up.
I think I like it.
The journey that I am going through is bigger than me. You know?
I'm ready.
I'm Caleb. And I'm Moriah.
We have a son. However...
Have we had sex since the baby?
We've had zero sex.
Give me the big one. OK.
Oh, dude.
I just had a feeling she would turn the tables a little bit.
I did not expect dildos.
Adam is breaking the rules.
And I failed my homework.
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