Oh, there ain't no bear back there.
Fellas!
Well, the way I feel right now, I'd like to meet a bear.
What would you do if you did meet him?
Oh, that bear'd have just as much a chance as this pork chop.
Where you boys all going? It ain't over.
Somebody's gonna get something they ain't expecting.
Have a bite...
Look out, here he comes!
- Where's Furio? - He couldn't get a flight...
...out of Rome in time, so I'm driving again today.
Come on in. He'll be right down.
No coffee, I gotta go. Okay?
- What the hell'd you do to your hair? - I cut it. What do you think?
We agreed you'd talk to me first if you were gonna do something to your hair.
What do you think of it?
- It's short. - Good, he eats his carrots.
- Makes you look younger. - Benny's waiting for you.
All right. Come here.
You fat honey-dripper! Come up with the rest of our money...
...or I'll strip the lard off your ugly...
Pretty.
Pretty, pretty.
Pretty, pretty, pretty.
Cosette? Come on, Mommy.
Let's go for a walk.
Cosette?
- Where's the dog? - You shut the TV?
Where's the dog?
Oh, my God! Cosette?
- What? - Christopher!
She's not breathing! Her neck feels broken.
- What the fuck? - Oh, my God, she's dead!
- I fell asleep. - What?
She must've crawled under there for warmth.
Are you fucking crazy?
You fucking killed her!
I didn't kill her. I must've sat on her.
Oh, jeez. Oh, my poor baby.
I'm sorry. It was an accident, for chrissake.
She shouldn't be on the furniture.
It's because you were fucking high, Christopher.
You and your fucking smack. Fuck! And lifestyle.
I'll get you another dog.
I don't want another dog.
Four in the side.
One up the ass.
So nobody's heard from Ralph?
I'm starting to worry, Ton.
- I'll call him again. - Try the gay man's choir.
I read they were having tryouts today.
Three ball, far corner.
Son of a bitch!
Hey, Chrissy.
Where you been?
This was in the mail for you outside, Tony. UPS.
- What's going on? - He's calling Ralph.
Leave a message and leave your phone number.
With my schedule, I cannot look up phone numbers.
Answering machine again.
You're up, T.
How you doing? Feeling all right?
Me? Yeah. Great.
Oh, fuck.
What's that, Ton?
That's Tony and Ralph's horse, Pie-O-My.
Where you going? Ton? It's your shot.
What are you doing?
That's a forfeit. That's our money.
- Bing. - Get rid of that fucking picture.
- What, you don't wanna...? - You hear me? Burn it!
I never wanna see the fucking thing again!
What?
What's with Ralph? Fucking Bermuda Triangle?
This shit with his kid. He's probably down in the bunker.
I'll tell you, if I didn't know better...
- We're off the record here, Albert. - We're off the record?
It's Tony.
What? Am I wrong?
Honestly, I don't know.
Take a leak.
This is bad, my friend. I mean, don't get me wrong.
I wouldn't piss on this Ralph if he was on fire.
But to whack the guy over a horse? How fucked up is that?
If it can happen to him, it can happen to any of us.
And what's next? You get clipped for wearing the wrong shoes?
What can you do? Tony's the boss. Centuries of tradition here.
Exactly my point. If Tony did do this, whack Ralph, over a fucking horse...
...that guy'd be the first guy on line to pull his fucking plug.
- Tony. - Ronnie, hey.
I think Justin recognized me a few minutes ago.
Thank you.
Come in, come in. He's getting dressed.
I'll wait in the car.
Well, welcome back.
I bring presents.
Really? That is so sweet.
Also, for the grownups, I bring some of my uncle's wine, but it's come later.
I just made some coffee. You sure?
Thank you, but I wait in the car.
What's the matter with you?
I'm sad for my father.
All right, but you gotta get over it.
So I unwrap the paper, and there she is...
...with her head held high and her ears perked up.
And there I am smiling.
What happened then?
Still, I gotta be the sad clown for my friends, my family.
You know, a brave front.
I've heard you describe yourself this way.
The sad clown.
I've never seen it.
Carmela also painted a very different picture.
What do you mean?
Volatile, punching the walls...
...compulsive, gorging on food.
Kind of a far cry from the seltzer bottle and bicycle horn.
Well, I'm sorry.
Maybe you'd like Carmela to be in here if I'm so obnoxious.
What I'm trying to establish is your response to sadness...
...is usually rage, not humor.
You two don't have to trouble yourselves...
...because I doubled my dosage.
I don't want you taking 80 milligrams of Prozac.
You kick it up to 80 for a week, 10 days...
...just to pull back on the stick, get the nose up...
...then you duck back down to 40 before the limp-dick thing sets in.
One, that's ineffective.
Two, it's not a treatment for grief.
Let's get back to Pie-O-My.
It's sad that you've lost something that you love.
- That being said, it is a horse. - What the fuck is the matter with you?
The only other time you've become this emotional in here...
...it was those ducks.
That was different. That was a whole different thing. They were ducks.
Is it different? You haven't grieved in this way for people.
Your mother, your best friend.
Can't I just be sad for a horse...
...without some touchy-feely- Freudian-shit component to it?
When it was the ducks, it embodied feelings of dread about your family...
...that something terrible was gonna happen.
It's just the miserable way she died.
It just makes me wonder what kind of toilet world we live in.
Friend of the family, little boy...
...shot with an arrow, cuts off the flow of blood to his brain.
- Oh, no. - Thirteen years old!
He's gonna live, but he's never gonna be right.
How awful for the parents.
Yeah.
My nephew, I love that kid like I love my son.
But I think he's got a drug problem, heroin.
And it kills me just to say it because I got so many hopes tied up in this kid.
This is Christopher.
And this 9/11 shit. I don't know, this shit that's going on everywhere.
It's like some asshole is stalking the human race.
Anthony, do any of your associates think about any of this?
I don't know. We don't talk about it.
I know it's ridiculous, but I feel like the Reverend Rodney King Jr., you know?
"Why can't we all just get along?"
- What's ridiculous about it? - Come on. Don't jerk me off.
This is me you're talking to.
You've caused much suffering yourself, haven't you?
My wife prays to God.
What kind of God does this shit?
How about Carmine Lupertazzi?
Christopher talk about a dinner with him and Tony last July?
Nope.
What's the matter, Adriana?
You and Christopher arguing?
It's a stressful time right before a wedding.
A lot of guys get cold feet.
He's fucking stoned on H all the time, okay?
There. You happy?
You know, we put you guys on the mailing list for Hazelden.
That rehab shit? That's where all those brochures are coming from? From you?
Convince him he needs help, that he should be in rehab.
Look at you with that little face.
These flat screens, I'll tell you, no glare, high definition.
I was watching On the Waterfront down at Sears.
Karl Malden's nose hairs looked like fucking BX cables.
Voice mail again.
Chrissy, we're down here waiting for the TVs.
Let me ask you something.
The other day, T with that picture.
He looked like he was gonna cry.
And still no word from Ralph.
Where the fuck is this kid?
What do you want around here?
- Can you do an eighth of scag? - Five hundred.
Yeah, wrap it up.
Get the fuck out the car, bitch!
Motherfucker, you know who I am?
Who the fuck is this?
You know who the fuck I'm with?
You ain't no fucking cop, that's for sure.
The fuck you gonna do with that?
Stick it up your mother's twat!
Oh, goddamn it.
What?
Piece a shit, the cork, it got stuck in the bottle.
- Homemade crap. - That somebody cared enough about...
...to carry all the way from the old country for you.
What a fucking week.
I talked to Ronnie, asked her if she's even heard from Ralph.
Little fucking kid's got a respiratory infection now.
She just heard about Pie-O-My. She's sick about it.
Hello? We're talking about Justin here.
Sorry, I was thinking about my mother, her skin condition.
Oh, my God. Did I forget to take that out?
What's wrong with you?
Anyway, Ma, Dad's right.
It's not a bad drive. It's interstate all the way up to Boston.
If you don't wanna accompany me, fine.
Your sister can come up from Florida.
Come on, she's not gonna do that.
Of course I'll go.
Did she tell you, Hugh? My horse died.
Pie-O-My.
- Oh, that's too bad. - God, this wine.
There was a fire at the stables.
She had to be destroyed. You should've seen her.
String beans, Hugh?
Oh, my God. Baby, what happened?
He got jacked by some spics.
They took his ride, his fucking watch too.
Jesus Christ, the Cartier?
Christopher, you're bleeding.
- Stop touching it. - Oh, my God, baby.
Listen, you think I could get some money?
What?
- Who are you? - Eddie. From down the park.
He's good people, Adriana.
I took him home. He was fucked up, but I straightened him out.
- He owes me 30 bucks. - Get the fuck out of here.
- What? - Adriana.
Get out of my house.
- Don't stiff me on this, man. - Get out!
What's the matter with you? Guy's my friend.
That's your friend?
Hazelden? What's this?
It came for you, in the mail.
Recovery?
You put me on a mailing list for junkies now, huh?
Where do you get your balls, huh? Where?
Oh, oh! What are you doing?
What? Sil said torch it.
A classy piece like this?
Horse with the trees, wooden frame.
Twenty-five to 30 G's at a minimum.
Yeah, I think it was Tony said he wanted it burnt, Paulie, specifically.
- Put it in my car. I'll take it home. - All right.
It'd be an honor to hang his picture in my house.
Tony, can you come down here, please?
What?
What's the matter?
- What happened? - Your nephew.
Christopher did this?
He hit you? What for?
- What's the difference, Tony? - He was high.
Little prick. I'm gonna wring his fucking neck. Where is he?
He's been using drugs. Heroin.
Yeah?
- Who's this? - You called me, maricón.
- Where's Christopher, asshole? - Fuck your mother.
Oh, his car was stolen by some Puerto Ricans.
They took his cell phone too. I don't know what to do.
I already packed a suitcase for my aunt's in Daytona.
Take it easy. Don't do something you're gonna regret.
Three weeks before their wedding.
Maybe he needs to be in rehab.
You can hire someone to do an intervention, apparently.
Girls, come on. We're a family here.
What, I gotta spell it out for you?
Take it easy. Let me figure out how to handle this.
Please, don't hurt him.
Come here, honey.
At this stage, the fighters are getting closer and closer...
Why am I always having to come here?
Fur, hi.
Carmela.
Anthony, how you doing, man?
Did we come at a bad time?
The decorating ideas.
Do you wanna come in?
- I'm sorry for the mess. - Oh, please, this is nothing.
So there is a page from Metropolitan Home.
Now, wait till you see how a mirrored backsplash can amplify a room.
You want something, something to drink?
We gotta go.
If you got a cup of coffee.
He loved that little man, by the way.
Gobbetto. He's good luck.
Not that he remembered to thank you. And Meadow loved that book.
You know, I feel bad. I didn't give you something.
I bring something, but I forgot it when I left that morning.
Balsamic vinegar, 35 years from my sister's husband's family.
Live in Modena.
So aside from your dad, was it wonderful being back in Italy?
Oh, it was wonderful, yeah.
Go home, see your friends, your family.
I gotta be honest.
It was not so nice.
I don't belong there no more.
- No? - Something change.
Maybe me.
What do you mean?
I'm like a visitor in my hometown.
Life went on without me.
There is nothing there for me now.
No special someone?
I feel strange to live here also.
Maybe I should never have come to America.
You've made such a nice life for yourself, though.
You've got a wonderful home, a girlfriend.
- No. - No? What do you mean, no?
Jessica?
I try to talk to her, but there is no communication...
...like with some people, you know what I mean?
That's what love is built on.
Si.
So why did you come back?
You said you'd take me to CompUSA, so I could get a new Magic Stick.
And I will.
Yeah, well, I got stuff to do. I told you.
Well, I better get going.
Thank you very much for the vinegar.
Hello?
Where's Bronco? She jump ship already?
She's in hospital for a while.
- Cyst. - Yeah?
Where's the old fart? I gotta talk to him.
It's his afternoon nap. You want me to wake him?
No, give him a while.
Want some wine?
From Furio's uncle in Italy?
He says they had a lot of sun in this year.
Salute.
It needs ice.
I'm gonna watch the Bloomberg.
- What's all that? - I'm making a website for my business.
- You know how to do that? - No cable.
I'm going to pay somebody 35 bucks an hour?
I stuck, I call Bill.
You got married yet?
Maybe when he gets back from Port St. Lucie.
The baseball spring training for his Mets.
That Bill's a lucky man.
You Russians, you got all the angles. You come over here, you bust your ass.
People are people.
Well, look at you. You got every excuse to be in the bottle...
...and here you are designing websites.
What do you mean? What excuse?
- Well, your... - No, what?
Come on, you know, that...
My leg.
Of course.
I don't think of it right away.
There are worse things.
- countdown timer with automatic shut-off.
Simply put your food in, set the timer and walk away.
Your new George Foreman Grill will tell you exactly...
...when your food is grilled to perfection.
This grill does all the work for you.
With my exclusive 20-minute digital countdown timer with auto...
Heroin? You got only one option.
A dog you love catches rabies, you put her out of its misery, Anthony.
Salute.
So, what do I do, Uncle Jun?
The feds get him in this condition, who knows what he's liable to say?
You go on trial like me, you won't sleep at night.
All the more reason to clean him up.
Still, he's a...
He's a major liability. If it were anybody else...
Reminds me of people's feet.
I don't know if I can do that other thing.
Dominic Palladino, you remember him?
B and E guy, a real juicer.
Well, he's in AA now. I thought maybe I'd give him a call.
They can treat this shit nowadays.
Me with the competency hearings. You with the head shrinkers.
This one in rehab now.
I was so upset when he didn't bring me a present back from Italy.
He got something for A.J. and for Meadow.
He gave me some vinegar, but I don't think it was meant for me.
It must've meant something that he felt bad.
Carmela, you sound like you're 15 years old.
I say I'm helping him decorate.
I bring A.J. with me. Now even he smells a rat.
Carmela, if Tony suspects one iota, you know what'll happen to Furio.
These guys are living in a different century.
It didn't stop you.
Steve at the gym?
I felt so guilty all the time, the lies and the sneaking.
It took Jackie going in the hospital to get me to stop.
We haven't slept together yet.
You're not fucking him?
So this isn't really real.
It is real.
We communicate.
He looks at me like I'm beautiful.
He thinks I'm interesting when I talk.
Just those few minutes when we see each other, I live for those.
I feel like my life is slipping through my fingers, that I will never be happy.
If you haven't slept with him yet, don't.
And don't go over there anymore.
We're all here?
Good afternoon.
For those of you who don't know me, my name is Dominic...
- ...and I'm an alcoholic and an addict. - Don't forget "scumbag."
As some of you obviously don't know...
...I've also been in recovery now going on four years.
I joined AA in prison, and frankly, it saved my life.
Okay, now, we're all here today because we have one thing in common.
Not only do we share a certain background and culture...
...we also care about Chris and wanna help him with his heroin addiction.
Now, any one of you guys been involved in an intervention before?
We caught our daughter smoking pot once but...
- Not really. No. - No problem.
An intervention is a nonjudgmental confrontation.
A "care-frontation," we call it.
What I need from you guys is to make a list of specific times...
...where Christopher's drug use impacted on you directly.
For example... Adriana, is it?
You might say something like this:
"Christopher, last Monday you came home from work high and belligerent...
...and you were physically abusive to me."
What if he's high when we try to talk to him?
Then we wait till he's sober. At my first intervention, Steven Patrano...
- ...waited 10 hours for me to sober up. - Your first?
In 1997, I suffered a relapse.
As in heroin addiction, alcoholics suffer a fairly high recidivism rate.
Great. So he's taking advice from a two-time loser.
There are no losers in recovery.
Actually, I never really met Ralph's kid.
I saw him once from a distance, though.
Handsome boy.
He's got a long struggle ahead of him, that's for sure.
Doctors, rehab, physical therapy.
I think I'm gonna have the medallions of veal.
What's up you make me late for a table at Tavern on the Green?
- How's the real-estate business? - Excuse me?
You know, HUD, Garside Street, you, Ralph, Zellman.
Zellman tell you this?
No, Carmine doesn't know anything about this yet, Tony.
I'm giving you an opportunity to cut a deal and make it right.
Last time, Frelinghuysen Avenue, I cut you in out of friendship, but it's over.
You got nothing coming to you. You or Carmine.
You sure you wanna go down this road, Tony?
How much to paint a different suit on him, change his face a little?
- Pardon me? - Why throw it away?
A stronger chin maybe?
I was thinking like those paintings in the courthouse.
Something classy, you know, like a Revolutionary War general.
Napoleon and his horse. That kind of thing.
He's rather portly to be Napoleon.
Not Napoleon exactly, like Napoleon.
Sit down, sit down, sit down. Relax.
What's going on, Ton?
I think I know what happened to Ralph, and if I'm right...
...he ain't coming back.
- It was New York. - Johnny Sack?
What was it? The fat joke?
I'm sure that didn't help.
Carmine.
This HUD thing, they wanted a piece of it.
I think they confronted Ralph, things went sour.
- What'd he say, John? - Wasn't what he said so much...
- ...as what he didn't say. - We're talking about New York.
Before we do anything, in terms of payback...
...you go to your people. I want a full investigation.
Nobody makes a move till we know what happened.
You understand?
What the fuck?
- What's going on? - Have a seat.
Christopher, hey, I'm Dominic.
I know you don't know me but...
Yeah, you're the guy who broke into Stew Leonard's that time.
You stole all those pork loins.
Yeah, but that's not why I'm here today.
We're here to talk about your drug problem.
What?
Jesus Christ, you fucking kidding me?
Sorry, baby, please.
No, fuck this shit.
You were told once. Now, sit down.
Sit down.
Ma? Jesus.
Christopher, this won't be easy for any of us.
But I want you to know that we're here today because we care about you.
What was this, your idea?
All we ask is that you listen.
Adriana, you wanna begin?
Christopher, I love you very much.
My only dream is that we have a happy life together.
The last few months, things have got very bad with us...
...because of you using drugs all the time.
You're high all the time, and I can't take it.
Be specific, hon.
When we first started going out, we made love all the time.
- Now, because of the drugs... - Jesus, is this fucking necessary?
Go ahead, Adriana.
You can no longer function as a man.
Last week when I came home to learn you'd killed our dog...
...that was the final straw.
Wow.
You killed the dog? What'd you do that for?
- It was an accident. - What, was it barking?
He sat on her while he was high.
- Oh, Jesus Christ. - I fell asleep.
She got suffocated or something.
Are you done, Adriana?
- Silvio. - You killed little Cosette?
I ought to suffocate you, you little prick!
Tony, we're going in order. Silvio.
When I came in to open up one morning...
...there you were with your head half in the toilet.
Your hair was in the toilet water. Disgusting.
- I told you I had the flu. - I said my piece, Chrissy.
Great. I can't even defend myself?
No one's attacking you, Chris.
Look, it doesn't change anything.
But I can verify that he was sick for a little while.
This thing with the dog, how can you not see it on the chair?
- You're getting emotional. - I know what it's like to lose a pet!
I happen to know that you were high at my mother-in-law's wake.
You were talking nonstop for 20 minutes, nothing but gibberish.
My mother's wake.
Jesus Christ.
Paul? You wanna read your statement?
I don't write nothing down, so I'll keep this short and sweet.
You're weak. You're out of control.
You're an embarrassment to yourself and everybody else.
- Oh, listen to you. - Guys, guys, whoa, whoa.
We said, nonjudgmental.
Fuck that. Let him take his medicine.
Seriously, Paulie, you wanna talk about fucking up?
- Watch it, Chrissy. - What?
I thought we're being honest here.
You got some balls, you know that?
All of you.
You wanna talk about self-control? How about you, Sil?
Fucking every slut working in the place with a wife and kids at home.
- Guys, guys, whoa, whoa. - Christopher!
Or you, Paulie. Remember last winter in the woods with the Russian guy?
- Christopher, I am fucking warning you! - There he goes, Mr. Type A Personality.
We're talking about you killing yourself with drugs, not my fucking personality!
- That's right. - I'm gonna kill myself?
The way you eat you'll have a heart attack by 50.
- Paulie! - You're talking to the boss.
Good, maybe someone will smack some goddamn sense into him!
Great, my own mother. Fuck you, you fucking whore!
- Son of a bitch! - Oh, my God!
Guys, guys, please! Come on!
Get him off!
Excuse me. How's he doing?
I'm a relative.
He slipped off the kitchen counter spraying for ants?
Well, he was wearing socks.
Are you aware that he has a drug problem?
Really?
The man has a hairline skull fracture. We'll admit him, keep him overnight.
One minute.
- Give us a minute, okay? - Okay.
Does it hurt?
They gave me some aspirin.
Well, enjoy it, because it's the last fucking drug you're ever gonna take.
- I'm sorry, T. I... - Shut the fuck up and listen to me.
You're my nephew, Christopher.
And I love you.
That's the only reason you're alive right now.
If it were anybody else, anybody...
...they would've had their intervention right through the back of their head.
You and me, we're close.
We've done a lot of things for each other.
That cop shot my father.
I know what you're telling me. I'll never forget that.
This is how you repay me. I gotta worry if you'll flip over a nickel bag of powder.
- No, Tony, never. - You lied to me.
I told you, you were the future of this family.
I gave you that responsibility. And you looked me in the eye...
...and you accepted it. And you were fucking high.
Tony...
Shut up.
Tomorrow morning you go with Patsy up to this rehab place in Pennsylvania.
You're going in. You're staying in.
You'll go to every session, and you'll keep your mouth shut.
Now, if you need anything, anything at all...
...Patsy's gonna be half a mile away from you in a motel.
Do you understand what I'm saying to you? Huh?
- Do you understand? - Tony, I'm sorry.
How did I fucking get to this?
Oh, so he comes again.
Brought some pastries.
- Is he taking a nap? - Yeah.
- Is he driving you to drink? - I can drive myself.
Salute.
- I needed that. - What's the matter?
Spent a long time in the hospital last night.
The shit that goes on down there.
I wasn't expecting no visitors.
How about those Mets?
Don't start with me and those Mets.
You know, I was thinking about you.
Oh, so you're drunk already.
No, I was just thinking about the way you are.
How you always have this little smile, like you got your own private joke.
You don't talk much, do you?
Well, I wish I knew your secret.
Lose a leg and start making websites.
That's the whole purpose for people like me, to inspire people like you.
Jesus, no offense.
That's the trouble with you Americans.
You expect nothing bad ever to happen...
...when the rest of the world expect only bad to happen.
And they're not disappointed.
Well, that's a fucking grim outlook.
You have everything, and still you complain.
You lie on couches and bitch to your psychiatrists.
You got too much time to think about yourselves.
Sounds like me, all right.
You're not so bad.
You have many fine qualities.
You are big and strong...
...full of life, mischief.
I have always feel positive towards you.
You should see yourself now.
In the shadows there...
...with the smoke all around you.
You're beautiful. You remind me of that movie star...
Irina is beautiful.
Greta Garbo.
- May I help you? - Yeah... Christopher Moltisanti.
Brad to reception. Your 1:00 client is here.
- So you call me later? - No phone calls for the first two weeks.
House rules.
I'll write.
I was thinking of keeping a journal anyway.
Get it published maybe under my pen name.
Chris.
Brad Miller. Congratulations.
You got here, dude. That's the hardest part.
I'm gonna have to search your bag.
- Cigarettes are okay, right? - Cigarettes are fine.
They're encouraged for patients who smoke.
But, Chris, no chocolate allowed.
No caffeine or substances containing caffeine.
All set?
- I love you, baby. - I love you too.
So when's Bill coming back?
Next week.
Well, I'll be busy for a few days...
...but see you when I can.
I think it's not a good idea.
- What do you mean? - Maybe I call you, but I don't think so.
- You didn't like it? - I like it, very much.
But, Tony, come on.
You're a nice guy, but I got my own problems.
I don't want all the time prop you up.
What, are you fucking kidding me?
- What you doing? - I didn't expect you so soon.
Tell my uncle I'll talk to him later.
Carmela.
Carm!
Lowe is not a, you know, 98-, 99-mile-an-hour guy.
Driven out to deep left field!
Giving chase is Henderson. On the wall!
See you! An opposite-field home run for Jason Giambi.