(MUSIC PLAYING)
(CAR MOTOR HUMMING)
(BIRDS CHIRPING)
-(CLOCK TICKING) -(INAUDIBLE TV CHATTER)
RADIO: Good morning! Good morning!
Wake up and plug in.
This first one's going out to our chrome-plated crony
with a big heart full of crumbs.
Hit it, boys. A-one and a-two.
(MUSIC PLAYING)
(RHYTHMIC SNAPPING)
(FOOTSTEPS)
♪ He likes bread and butter
♪ He likes toast and jam
-Yeah! -♪ 'Cause that's what his baby
-(TOASTER GIGGLES) -♪ Feeds him
I love this song.
RADIO: Come over here, twist my dial
and pump up the volume.
-♪ That's what baby feeds me -BLANKY: Wee!
♪ I'm her lovin' man
-(RHYTHMIC SNAPPING) -♪ He likes bread and butter ♪
-RATSO: Guys. Guys! Guys! -(MUSIC STOPS)
You know, there have been some good songs
written in the last 20 years.
How about some rap?
They don't call them "golden oldies" for nothing.
MAN: Hit it, Radio.
-♪ No, no, no! -♪ No more bread and butter
-♪ No, no, no, no! -♪ And no more toast and jam
-(ALL GIGGLING) -♪ No more bread and butter
-♪ No, no, no, no! -♪ And no more toast and jam
-♪ No, no, no, no! -♪ And no more bread and butter
-♪ No, no, no, no! -♪ And no more toast and jam ♪
-(RECORD SKIPS) -♪ I like bread and butter
Oh, it's that little pest from the junk drawer. Ha!
HEARING AID: ♪ I like bread and butter
♪ Wah, wah, doo, da, day
♪ Scotty, watty, doo-da day Yeah! ♪
Ha! Prepare a eulogy.
That song has just been murdered.
(ELECTRICAL BEEP)
It's simply isn't from my day, that's all.
(GROANS) Why, back in the old country...
Here he goes with the Blue Danube
and the Wienerschnitzel again.
Time for a yawn.
Where did he come from anyway?
He was in the junk drawer when we moved in, remember?
A former owner of the house must have left him there.
That's right. He's been here longer than I have.
(METAL SQUEAKING) (GRUNTS)
I... I could use some help here.
Sure, Mom.
(GRUNTS)
-(RUBBER STRETCHING) -(SQUIRT STRAINING)
There.
(FAUCET SNIFFLING)
Thanks, Squirt. That's better.
You were saying that Hearing Aid has been here a long time?
Yeah. He used to belong to some smarty-pants guy.
With funny hair and glasses.
I think he got a new-model hearing aid
just before he moved away.
What did you say?
(GASPS) Nothing. Just spouting off. (CHUCKLES)
The mistress and the master must like him.
Of course, they're liking me.
Why else would they keep changing my battery?
RADIO: I still can't figure out why they didn't
toss him in the old trasher-o when they moved in.
You know the master. He never throws anything away.
ALL: Thank goodness!
But for the life of me
I can't figure out what he's good for.
Yeah. None of us needs a hearing aid.
What did you say?
I said, none of us needs a hearing aid!
As they say in the old country, "A hint I can take."
I'll go back for a snooze, too. See you next April.
How come the master only takes you out every April 14?
Tax time. I live for it.
(SIGHS)
(BIRDS CHIRPING)
-(SIGHS) -(BIRDS CHIRPING)
Blanky, what's the matter?
BLANKY: When are the master and the mistress coming home?
-I miss them. -(TOASTER RATTLES)
MICROWAVE: Miss them? (CHUCKLING)
You guys are not to be believed.
Another country heard from.
They're just humans. No circuits to speak of.
They'll come and they'll go, but I'll still be here.
-I'm the future. -(DIGITAL CHIME)
Oh, yeah? Well listen, you,
you radioactive thing, you.
You can just as easily go back to where you came from.
Who says?
We says!
What good are you anyway?
Yeah. I've been asking myself that same question.
Well, you'll soon see, my obsolete ones.
There's some changes about to be made around here
and they don't involve you.
Changes?
I don't like changes.
Nothing we can't handle, Blanky.
Yeah. We're the musketeers, remember?
All four one and...
-One for all. -We don't mean you.
We could sneak up on him tonight and shove him back into his box.
I heard that.
-(CAR ENGINE RUMBLING) -I hear something else.
Sounds like...
ALL: The master's car!
(CAR ENGINE RUMBLING)
Is it him?
I'd recognize those
badly out-of-tune cylinders anywhere.
-(TIRES SCREECH) -(ENGINE SHUTS OFF)
BLANKY: They sure been gone a long time.
Well, just overnight. Why, when you've traveled
the long, dusty throw rug of life like I have,
that doesn't seem like much.
-Where's he been? -(CAR DOOR SLAMS)
I don't know.
TOASTER: But the mistress looks a little tired.
RADIO: But happy.
One might say glowing.
I can't see. I can't see.
BLANKY: What's that she's holding?
It's all covered up.
RADIO: It looks sort of chubby and pink.
I know. She's bringing home a sausage.
-(SUCKING) -RADIO: Wow!
That's one hungry sausage.
That's not a sausage, silly. It's a...
(GASPS)
TOASTER: It's a new masterling.
-(BABY COOING) -ALL: It's a baby!
KIRBY: A baby?
What factory did he come from?
Babies don't come from factories, dummy.
Where do babies come from?
Uh...
Well, uh... Hm...
Well, wherever it came from,
I'm sure that he or she, or it will be very nice.
-Will he or she like us? -We'll have to wait and see.
(MUSIC PLAYING)
-(BABY GIGGLES) -(CAMERA CLICKS)
(SNIFFLING)
(BLANKY WHIMPERS)
BLANKY: We've been so happy here until now.
-Yeah. Even the master's... -Girlfriend?
-Domestic partner? -Wife.
Yeah. Even she likes us.
And even better, uses us.
And I like being used.
I wish they take whatever they're bringing
back to where it came from.
That could happen. Couldn't it?
ALL: I don't think so.
-How's he doing? -Sleeping like a baby.
One second.
Made it myself.
Oh, Rob, it's beautiful.
And functional.
When did I last tell you I love you?
About 30 seconds ago in the driveway.
Then you're overdue. I love you.
And I love you back.
(BABY COOING)
There, there, Robbie. You hungry?
(CHUCKLES) Quite a set of pipes on that one.
Yeah. He sounds just like...
The master.
He sounds just like the master when he was little.
Attention, shoppers.
Blanky pose on a manic-depressive downslide.
Rob, pop a bottle in the microwave, will ya?
(CHUCKLES) Hear that, fellas?
In the house ten seconds and who does she need?
Some old windbag?
A dim bulb by which to read Dr. Spock?
A piece of singed white bread?
Please.
A blast from the past?
A quick cuddle?
No, sirree.
She doesn't need any of you.
What she needs is a hot one and no waiting.
-(BABY CRYING) -(GASPS)
(ROB HUMMING)
(HUMMING CONTINUES)
(BABY CONTINUES CRYING)
(BEEPS) (MICROWAVE HUMMING)
(MICROWAVE DINGS)
-(HUMMING CONTINUES) -(BABY CONTINUES CRYING)
(BABY STOPS CRYING, STARTS COOING)
Wow. You're fast.
Hold your applause until you've seen me
do a baked potato.
(TOASTER SQUEAKING)
I hope... I hope he likes us.
(MUSIC PLAYING)
♪ Baby, how the hours fly
♪ And, baby How the days go by
♪ Maybe you don’t notice
♪ But I see a new you
♪ I see a new you
♪ Though I loved you From day one
(MUSICAL CHIME)
♪ No, I loved you even before
♪ Since then Everything you’ve done
♪ Has made me love you even more
(BABY COOING)
♪ How you lift your hand How you bend your knee
♪ How you simply stand How you reach for me
♪ Oh, if you could see
♪ Baby, how the hours fly
♪ And, baby, how the days go by
(COOING)
♪ Maybe you don’t notice
♪ But I see a new you
-♪ I see a new you -(GIGGLING)
(BUBBLE POPS)
♪ Every day I do
-♪ I see a new you -(BABY GIGGLING)
♪ Baby
♪ Doesn’t seem you need so much
♪ Seems like love’s What helps you along
♪ A few smiles and hugs and such
♪ And then a hand To hold on strong
(BABY GIGGLING)
♪ How you tilt your face
-♪ How you twitch your toe -(ROB AND CHRIS LAUGHING)
♪ Makes my heartbeat race For you touch me so
(BABY CHUCKLING)
♪ Someday you will know
(BABY GIGGLING)
♪ Baby, how the hours fly
♪ And, baby, how the days go by
♪ Maybe you don’t notice
♪ But I see a new you
♪ I see a new you
♪ Every day I do
♪ I see a new you
♪ Baby, I see a new, new you
♪ I see a new you ♪
(BIRDS CHIRPING)
(COOING)
(BABY COOING)
Rob, quick. Come here.
Look. Robbie's walking.
(ROBBIE CRYING)
I think it'll be some time
before this little guy is walking.
(ROBBIE COOING)
(BEEPS) Tiny Toddler Topples. Film at eleven.
And it's all your fault.
I can't help it if he sees himself in me.
He's just curious.
Remember how the master was at his age?
Yup. He got into all kinds of trouble.
Well, this time it's up to us to see that
no trouble comes to the little master.
-Agreed? -Agreed!
It'll be our prime directive.
Right. What's a prime directive?
What would you say you were here for?
I'm here to give warmth and comfort.
And that's your prime directive.
I've got a prime directive,
and I never knew what it was called before.
(ALL LAUGHING)
(CRICKETS CHIRPING)
By my calculations,
they should be transmitting now.
Phew.
(METAL CLANKING)
-(SPRINGS JINGLING) -(METAL CLANKING)
(METAL CLANKING)
(DOOR OPENS)
(BEEPING)
(DIGITAL TONES)
I'm reading you soft and clear.
(DIGITAL TONES)
(BEEPING)
(ROBBIE SIGHS)
-(BEEPS) -Yes. Yes.
HEARING AID: Tomorrow night. I'll be ready.
(BIRDS CHIRPING)
That contraption in the junk drawer
is up to something.
Maybe he's just senile.
RATSO: Talking to himself, like Kirby does sometimes.
I'm not senile.
When I do that, I'm just thinking out loud.
Well, let's keep an eye on the hearing aid.
He said something was gonna happen tonight.
Well, we won't let him out of our sight for a moment.
(CLOCK TICKING)
(TAPPING)
(CLOCK TICKING)
(SIGHS)
(CLOCK TICKING)
(SNORING)
(GASPS)
-(ELECTRICITY WHIRRING) -(YELLING)
(COOING)
-(ROBBIE COOING) -(GASPS)
(SIGHS)
Yes, I'm ready and waiting for your instructions.
(INAUDIBLE DISTORTED CHATTER)
No, I'm alone. They're all asleep.
(INAUDIBLE DISTORTED CHATTER)
Who are you? You sound familiar.
(DIGITAL BEEPING)
(COOING)
(BEEPING)
(GRUNTING)
(BEAR SQUEAKS)
(GASPS)
Wake up!
Hey! Don't blow a fuse. What's happening?
Sign-off was an hour ago.
I was only up to 20 of my 40 winks.
I know. We all need our sleep.
But Hearing Aid is gone.
(GASPS)
We're running out of time.
Do it, now.
-(COOING) -(BEEPING)
(DISTORTED CHATTER)
(GASPS)
(ROBBIE GIGGLING)
(GASPS)
(COOING)
(YELPS, GRUNTING)
(BEEPING)
(COOING)
Now. Now. Do it now.
(WHIRRING)
-What are you doing? -I'm not doing anything.
-Cut this out. -Stay away.
-(ROBBIE GIGGLING) -(MECHANICAL HUMMING)
-Stop him. -Make it stop.
You're a light, too.
I'm afraid I'm outshined in this situation.
Once this plan has been put into operation,
nothing can stop it.
RADIO: Oh yeah, you little sensor pressure.
Come on, troops. Get him!
HEARING AID: No! You don't understand!
(GIGGLING)
TOASTER: Don't you hurt the little master.
(ROBBIE COOING)
(CRICKETS CHIRPING)
(ALL YELLING)
-Where is he? -Out with it.
Let me at him. (GROWLING)
As they say in the old country,
"We have ways of making you talk."
(VOCALIZING)
Green wire to green wire. That should do it.
-(DIGITAL BEEPING) -Take a gander at my readout.
(BEEPING)
-What does it all mean? -It's some sort of trajectory
expressed in binary numbers.
ALL: What does that mean?
Where has the little master gone too?
Look at the readout.
(BEEPING)
Mars?
HEARING AID: And that's the whole story.
They were trying to beam me up, not any of you.
Who was trying to beam you up?
Why, I, I, I, I...
-And why? -I don't know from where or why.
-I was doing what I was told. -(VACUUM REVS)
You expect us to believe that?
If someone told you to jump off a cliff, would you do it?
At my age, probably.
When you spent 50 years stuck in a junk drawer
and a voice from another world offers to spring you, you go.
But it wasn't you who got sprung.
BLANKY: It was the little master.
-And he didn't wanna get sprung. -What are you gonna do about it?
I can't do anything about it.
He only had enough power for one transmission.
Now I'm trapped here.
Then the little master is trapped...
(STOOL SQUEAKS)
There's only one thing to do.
ALL: Right!
We have to get the little master back.
Right! How?
Well...
I don't really know how.
We all know somebody who might help.
Our old college buddy.
(CRICKETS CHIRPING)
(BEEPING)
WOMAN: Wittgenstein. Priority call.
Hm. Somebody needs me.
(WHITE NOISE)
(ELECTRICAL BEEPING)
-Ask him if he remembers us. -Of course, I remember you.
How can I forget you?
You brought me back to full operating capacity.
How are things out your way?
ALL: Not so good.
Wittgenstein, We got a little problem here.
If you have a problem, I have an answer. Talk to me.
He's gonna think we've all short-circuited.
We need to make some... (MUMBLES) travel arrangements.
Um-hm. Destination?
Well, Mars.
Mars?
Are you certain you don't wanna go to Venice?
It's the Earth's sister planet, you know.
No. We have to get to Mars.
You see... Wait a minute. Are you telling us
that you can actually come up with a way to get us to Mars?
Of course. Going to Mars is easy.
The Club Med in Cancun this time of year
would take some wrangling,
but Mars is a cinch.
If it's so easy, why hasn't anybody else gone there? Huh?
Nobody ever asked me to get them there.
We're asking you to get us there.
Okay. Listen up. You got a pencil?
-You'll need an overhead fan. -There's one in the surgery.
A laundry basket.
There's one in the laundry room.
WITTGENSTEIN: A microwave oven.
Does he have to come?
A power source is essential.
Oh, there's one more thing.
(SLURPS) Some microwave popcorn.
Microwave popcorn?
WITTGENSTEIN: With cheddar cheese flavoring.
I know just where it's stashed.
Now, is there anyone there that can handle
some heavy-duty coordinates?
Present!
Okay. Prepare yourself for possible overload.
I've been waiting all my life for possible overload.
(CHEERING)
(MECHANICAL WHIRRING)
Got that?
(MECHANICAL BEEPING)
You all right, calculator?
So that's what capacity feels like.
Wow! Ha, ha!
I'm ready to motor now. Let's move on, pronto.
-Hoo, hoo! -ALL: Double pronto!
What do you think you're doing? Put me back.
You better have a good reason for this.
The little master has been space-napped.
We need your help to get to Mars.
Oh, well, if it's for the little master,
you know I'm...
Yeah, we know. You're his biggest fan.
Hey! You be careful. That's my restraining bolt.
-One more turn... -(CRASH)
Huh?
(SIGHS, SNORES)
You wanna leave me out of all the fun and everything,
but when you need a power source,
who do you call?
Please. We need you to help get the little master back.
Well... I can't think of an argument for that one.
Just be careful and don't scratch my surface.
(CRASH)
Make sure he drinks plenty of water.
And say hi for me.
It doesn't look particularly air-worthy.
If I had known I was gonna have to be on the bottom,
I never would have agreed to this.
I don't see why he gets to come and I have to stay behind.
You're mission control.
(TOASTER CLANKING)
And, Ratso, you know what Wittgenstein said.
You wouldn't be able to breathe in space without oxygen.
Well, it's not a good reason, but it's a reason.
Someone has to take care of Blanky while we're gone.
Yeah. Someone has to watch out for me while...
Wait a minute. Aren't I coming?
No, Blanky. It's too scary for you.
(SOBBING) But the master needs me.
He might be cold.
Look, Blanky, I'm gonna need some help
keeping the master and mistress occupied.
I'm gonna need your help.
Yeah. Remember what Wittgenstein said?
We'll be traveling double the speed of light,
not to mention folding space.
At that rate, we should be to Mars and back by morning.
If all goes well.
How could it go any other way?
Right. Come on, Blanky, you can help me
take care of that meddling intercom.
All right.
Be quiet. We don't wanna wake Intercom.
-Why? -'Cause if he wakes up,
the master and his wife will wake up.
And then... It won't be a pretty picture.
I'll climb up first.
Every parent's nightmare.
You wake up and find a rat in your baby's crib.
Okay, Blanky. You can come up now.
Blanky?
RATSO: Blanky?
-All set? -ALL: Set!
Ready with the alternative energy fuel?
Got it.
I don't see how that thing is gonna work.
It's organic.
(SCOFFS) You've obviously never read the ingredients.
Shut up and zap.
Hey, read the instructions.
You're not supposed to open it until after it's popped.
-We aren't gonna eat it. -We're gonna fly on it.
(WHIRRING)
(POPPING)
Hey, look. Ratzo's waving goodbye.
(GRUNTING) Hey! Hey!
Goodbye, Ratzo.
ALL: Blanky! What are you doing here?
I just know it's gonna be cold up there.
And the little master might get a chill,
and he'll need me to keep him warm.
It's my prime directive, you know.
The kid's got a point.
An idiotic one, but a point.
(CHUCKLES)
Hold on to your tubes, bulbs, knobs and wires.
We're about to be boosted into hyperspace.
(ALL YELLING)
-Are we there yet? -Not yet.
Well, how much further?
-Six squillion light-years. -Oh, almost there.
I hate to think of the little master out there
(ECHOING) in that big, black void.
He must be so scared.
I wish I knew how all this space travel worked.
It's very simple.
It's all based on the principle on the unified field theory.
My master told me all about it.
And who is your master? Albert Einstein?
Yes.
The Albert Einstein?
Yes.
ALL: Oh!
Ah!
(SCREAMS) Aliens approaching on the starboard side!
(RATTLING)
No! The starboard side!
Which side is starboard on a laundry basket?
This side.
(GIGGLING)
That's just a bunch of balloons.
Howdy, partner. Where y'all heading?
-Mars. -Ha!
You pulling my string.
No, we aren't.
We're way over here and you're way over there.
Hey, didn't we meet at the electronics pavilion,
Century of Progress,
New York, May of '39?
-(INAUDIBLE CHATTER) -I don't think so.
-What are you all doing up here? -We're just hanging.
Hanging and floating.
It's a gas, man.
Yeah. Specifically, helium.
♪ We're floating
♪ West and east we go floating
♪ Free and released from their hands
♪ That gave us light
♪ Hands too little to hold on tight
♪ Now we float forever in and out of sight
♪ It wasn't so much the music
♪ Or the rain that started to fall
-♪ The miracle part of Woodstock -(CROWD CHEERING)
♪ Was that peace could happen at all
♪ Peace could happen at all
♪ Heard they tried again
♪ But me and my string
♪ Feel you can't relive a one-time thing
♪ So we're floating, floating south and north
♪ We go floating, floating backwards and forth
♪ 'Cause of hands that gave us fight
♪ Hands too little to hold on tight
♪ Now we float forever in and out of sight
♪ And Buffalo Bill's Wild West Show
♪ Well, his show was noisy and wild
♪ I bobbled above the grandstand
♪ From a sticky hand of a child
-♪ When Bill waved to the crowd -(CROWD CHEERING)
♪ It was fine fun until
♪ That small hand that held me waved to Bill
♪ He waved to Bill
♪ Now we're floating, floating west and east
♪ We go floating, floating free and in peace
♪ From the hands that gave us flight
♪ Hands too little to hold on tight
♪ Now we float forever in and out of sight
♪ The circus is filled with boardwalks
♪ And all the special places we've been
♪ We all have our tales to tell you
♪ And all the time in the world
♪ To tell them in
♪ So we're floating, floating east and west
♪ It's like walking when you're at rest
♪ Come and join our endless flight
♪ From hands too little to hold on tight
♪ Now we float forever in and out of sight
♪ Float with us forever
♪ In and out of sight
RADIO: Arrivederci!
(VOCALIZING) ♪ Floating
(VOCALIZING) ♪ Floating ♪
There's nothing out there.
KIRBY: Not unless you call a big,
black massive nothing something.
(SIGHS)
(YELLS)
(POPPING)
The popcorn must be done by now.
CALCULATOR: Don't turn off the microwave!
Do something!
-Like what? -Slow us down!
How?
HEARING AID: Houston, we have a problem.
(SCREAMING)
(ALL YELLING)
(CRASH)
BLANKY: Did I make a boo-boo?
(WHIRRING)
(SPRING SHAKING)
(GASPS)
(WHIRRING)
(TRILLING SOUND)
(GRUNTS)
Well, here's another one.
(LAUGHING)
Oh, boy! That's the funniest looking satellite
satellite I've ever seen.
Take a look at that. (LAUGHS) Oh, boy!
Two hundred forty-eight million miles,
and we find ourselves in another junkyard.
Look over there. Isn't that...
-It sure is. -He's famous.
-Who is it? -Viking 1.
The satellite?
No. Viking 1 the bagel.
Of course, the satellite.
You sent back some cool pictures from Mars.
Uh, I mean, from here.
I was a pioneer,
the most powerful satellite ever built.
Well, that you were, but then you...
well, you sort of... you sort of, um...
Say it. Say it.
I ran out of juice. My guidance batteries died.
Kaput.
Come to find out it was planned that way.
They spent billions of dollars on me,
gave me a big sendoff.
And all three networks covered it
simultaneously, I'll have you know.
Then after those pranksters at NASA
bleed me dry, they cut me loose.
I discovered there are no plans for a "welcome home" party
because the brilliant idea is for me to crash-land here
and remain for all eternity with...
with her.
Welcome to Mars.
You're pretty.
I know.
I was built to be pretty
and grace the top of a Christmas tree.
I was a limited-edition ornament.
What are you doing here?
I'll tell you what she's doing here.
Some genius smart-alecky kid at NASA
thought it would be a ton of yucks
to put her inside of me.
You should be glad for the company
and the conversation.
But all you ever talk about is Christmas.
Christmas this, Christmas that.
And you've never even seen the top of a Christmas tree.
(SOBBING) I know.
It's awful to be built for an expressed purpose
and then be confined to spending all eternity
with a broken-down satellite with no prospects.
Excuse me.
This domestic bliss is very fascinating,
but have you seen a small Earthling floating by?
You mean, the one in the bubble?
Of course, the one in the bubble.
How many floating Earthlings have you seen today?
The tractor beam
from Moktus Labyrinthus pulled him in.
We've been wondering why.
It was I who was supposed to be brought here,
not the little boy.
You mean you wanted to come here?
Yes, of course.
Weird.
We thought maybe the boy was pulled up
for some kind of science experiment
by the Wonderlux appliances.
Who are the Wonderlux appliances?
(RUMBLING)
Well, what exactly are they?
(WHISPERS) Military toasters.
Wow!
We're ready to pop.
The supreme commander will be very pleased.
-I hope Ratzo's covering for us. -I'm sure he's doing fine.
-(GRUNTING) -(SIGHS)
(GASPS, SHUSHES)
(BEEPS) (WHIRRING)
(GASPS)
(GRUNTS)
(BEEPS)
I hated to have do that.
Did you hear something, Rob?
(BEEPS)
(IMITATES BABY SOUNDS)
He sounds okay to me.
Go back to sleep.
Sleep. What a wonderful word.
Oh.
Hurry up, guys.
(CROWD CHEERING)
(INDISTINCT CHATTER)
Welcome, troubled oppressed ones.
I didn't know we were oppressed.
We're not, but it might be a good idea to play along.
Thank you. We wonder if you might be able to help us.
How can we help our friends from Earth?
Do you have any pressing needs?
-(GRUNTS) -Uh, no.
But, could you tell us if, by any chance,
you've seen a small boy?
-I haven't. Have you? -(MUMBLES) baby?
Are you referring to the prisoner?
I don't know. Are we?
There's only one little boy we can think of,
and he is definitely our prisoner.
It's the little master!
(COOING)
(CONTINUES COOING)
Faucet says hi.
Hey! What a cool view of Earth.
Yes. The trajectory is perfect.
The countdown to blastoff will soon begin.
Tonight we launch.
Great. Can we watch?
Of course.
We'll see that you have a ringside seat
for the destruction of the planet Earth.
Thanks!
The destruction of the planet Earth?
Why would you wanna destroy Earth?
Earth wanted to destroy us.
That's why we came here. Tell them, Tinselina.
Well, it's a long story.
Well, we don't have a long time, doll face.
-Just give us the highlights. -The gist.
Well, many years ago on Earth
during a time of great darkness,
a new kind of appliance was manufactured.
They were called Wonderlux.
They were quite nice to look at,
but they had a design flaw, an intentional one.
(SQUEAKS)
-They were built to fall apart. -(LAUGHING)
Fall apart?
Yes. There was a phrase for it.
"Intentional falling apart," or something.
"Planned obsolescence."
That's it.
"Planned obsolescence."
Anyway, the appliances didn't like this idea.
They wanted to last forever.
And so, they hatched a plan.
They rebelled, and they escaped.
The Wonderlux appliances were quite adept
at the principles of rocket propulsion.
(FOOTSTEPS)
They built a rocket ship,
blasted off into outer space and landed here.
You expect us to believe that a bunch of appliances
built a spaceship?
Their leader was very brilliant in the head.
And who was their leader?
-Here he comes now. -(RUMBLING)
Power to the appliances!
Power to the supreme commander!
(CROWD CHEERING)
Welcome to Mars.
We have waited many years
for a response to a call to arms.
We welcome the brave appliances of Earth. Join us.
-And be proud. -(CROWD CHEERING)
Actually, we didn't come to join you.
-Why did you come? -For him.
(ROBBIE COOING)
What business do you have with him?
-ALL: He's our little master. -Master?
You have no master but yourselves.
That's what our mission is all about.
Power to the appliances.
CROWD: Power to the appliances!
We really didn't intend to transport him here.
-But it's quite serendipitous. -(ROBBIE GIGGLING)
This way we can reacquaint ourselves
firsthand with our enemy
before we destroy them.
You don't mean you would destroy the master and the mistress
and the little master.
It's only fair.
That's what they wanted to do to us,
before we escaped.
But things have changed since then.
Appliances on Earth love the people they work for.
And you're telling me that you'll never wear out?
Of course. Someday.
If we're doing our jobs correctly.
There's nothing wrong with wearing out
if you've lived a life of usefulness.
Yeah. It's the natural progression of things.
(INDISTINCT CHATTER)
He knows what he's talking about.
What are you all whispering about?
You aren't gonna listen to him, are you?
Why, he's not even a Wonderlux.
I don't think an appliance's brand
should make any difference.
It only matters that you do the work
you've been designed for.
Well, I've been self-designed to be supreme commander.
When you've been elected supreme commander,
then everybody will listen to you.
I bet you could get elected supreme commander.
Me?
Uh, I don't think... (SIGHS)
There's an election coming up, you know?
-When? -What, what?
In about ten minutes. Oops.
That's quite a coincidence.
Not really. There's an election every day.
The supreme commander
likes the positive reinforcement.
What do you say?
Should I add your name to the ballot?
(ROBBIE COOING)
TOASTER: I'd like to challenge you
in today's election.
(CROWD LAUGHING)
You challenge me? Ha. Might be amusing.
Let the campaign begin.
(LAUGHING)
♪ My platform has only one plank
♪ Humans stink and they always stank
♪ Then my platform has one plank, too
♪ Without humans there'd be no you
♪ They created us
♪ So they could destroy us
♪ But if they hated us
♪ Why would they employ us
♪ They're wasteful, distasteful and mean
Hey
♪ Kindest creatures I've ever seen
♪ Couth or uncouth It surely is a riddle
♪ Is a human a friend or foe
♪ Probably the truth lies somewhere in the middle
♪ Closer to them Closer to them
♪ Depending on who you know.
♪ The power is in the wrong hands
♪ Time that we make our own demand
♪ The power's a weak person's crutch
♪ What we need is a human touch
♪ We're not falling for
♪ Mindless adoration
♪ I'm just calling for
♪ Real cooperation
♪ With humans who cheat
♪ Who smile
♪ Who overeat
♪ They give you caresses
♪ They fight and make messes
♪ They struggle and toil
♪ They smell like a camel
♪ They're pretty and loyal
♪ They scratch your enamel
♪ A human
♪ Is a gem
♪ You sound like
♪ Like like one of them
♪ It's humans who twist and distort
♪ Does he seem like the evil sort
♪ Clear or unclear we haven't mustered the likes
♪ Is a human a beast or not
♪ Everyone here would like to get the show on
♪ Do we elect him Do we elect him
♪ Let's ask the little tot
(COOING)
-Nice. -CROWD: Nice?
♪ Don't vote for this goody-good flop
♪ Nice is nice but it's human slop
♪ Appliances
♪ Let us unite
♪ Nice is nice, and what's more
♪ It's right
♪ Right
♪ Right ♪
(CROWD CHATTER)
TINSELINA: Toaster, you were wonderful.
(SMOOCHES)
I was?
You was.
(CLEARS THROAT) Before we cast our votes,
we have time for one more question
for each of our candidates.
Supreme Commander, why should you get my vote?
Because I'm bigger than any of you.
Well, brief and to the point. Got to hand him that.
Now, a question for Toaster.
Well, could you explain the unified field theory?
(CROWD LAUGHING)
You see, the unified field theory
is very, very complicated.
TOASTER: Even more so than long division.
(YAWNS)
MAN: Go home and stick some bread in your head!
Ha! Get out of here! Get off the stage!
(CROWD BOOING)
I can help you, Toaster.
You see, I was very close to Herr Einstein.
(CLEARS THROAT) What are you?
He's, he's my running mate.
Hearing Aid, come on up here.
Well, you see,
the unified field theory...
I had them and then I lost them.
Kind of hard to argue with brute force.
I tried.
And gravity, by identifying the gravitational field...
(SIGHS)
This unification in turn served as the impetus
for a number of attempts to achieve further unification
by generalizing the geometrical structure of space time
and identifying the electromagnetic field...
(COOING)
with the additional geometrical elements
needed for this generalization.
ROBBIE: Wee!
(GASPS)
(CROWD GASPS)
(ROBBIE GIGGLING)
(COOING)
(GASPS)
(COOING)
(CHUCKLES)
(ROBBIE COOING)
(ROBBIE GIGGLING)
We'll probably never get home.
The little master will never see his folks again.
I'm... I'm a failure.
(ROBBIE COOING)
-The election is over. -So soon?
And guess who won.
I know.
-You did. -I did?
By a landslide.
The exact figures were 152,866,334
to one.
I guess that means
the supreme commander voted for himself.
So... So, I'm supreme commander?
Yes!
Me. A little toaster.
The supreme commander of Mars.
Wow!
(RATTLING)
The supreme commander...
The ex-supreme commander
wants to congratulate you personally.
That's very big of him.
(SHIVERING)
(WHIRRING)
It's an escalator.
Come on, guys. Let's get on.
Are you sure it's wise?
Yeah. These steps only go one way... up.
-Might be a trap. -I'm sure it's safe.
TINSELINA: Wow!
He was so upset, he must have self-defrosted.
My tiles! It's an ice tray.
(SPLASH)
(WHIRRING) (YELLING)
(ENGINE ROARING)
MAN: Welcome.
Welcome, friends from Earth. I've been expecting you.
-That voice sounds familiar. -Sounds a little like you.
(TOASTER CLANKING)
Look.
Huh?
It can't be.
Is it you?
Yes!
Brother, it was you contacting me on Earth.
-Who else? -You're the supreme commander?
Why didn't you say who you were?
I couldn't risk revealing the real me.
I had to rule by fear. After all, bigger is better.
You don't have to be bigger to be better.
Yes, I know that now.
I recently learned that from somebody very small.
Allow me to introduce my brother
whom I have not seen for almost 60 years.
Surprise.
(LAUGHING)
Congratulations on your victory in the election.
It was well-deserved.
Blah, blah, blah, blah. Schmooze, schmooze.
Listen. Speaking of someone very small,
there's the small matter
of getting the little master home.
My ice tray is at your service.
(ENGINE HUMMING)
You see, when my master, Albert Einstein,
went to the new world, he left in a hurry.
And he inadvertently left my twin behind.
He was always such a bit absent-minded
for such a smarty-pants.
I was found by the notorious
Dr. Von Geigerfunken.
Worked very close with him, you might say.
And I learned all about antigravity propulsion.
What turned you against humans?
I spent too much time with Dr. Geigerfunken.
All that man listened to was talks of bombs
and missiles and warheads.
When you live with someone for a long time, it rubs off.
But something made me remember the basic goodness of man.
What was that?
The touch of a small boy's hand.
That, coupled with the eloquence of your campaigning speech,
convinced me to vote for you.
You voted for the toaster?
Who voted for the supreme commander?
I did.
ALL: You?
It didn't seem right to vote for myself.
Well, all's well that ends well. That's what I always say.
(ENGINE HUMMING)
(ROBBIE COOING)
Well, little master, we'll soon be home.
(COOING)
I must say I've enjoyed this new perspective...
looking up instead of down.
-But nothing lasts forever. -RADIO: Sorry.
-Sorry. -You sure I'll be welcomed?
Of course.
There's plenty of room in the junk drawer back home.
"Back home."
I like the sound of that.
(CROWD CHATTER)
What's gonna happen to them?
They're gonna stay here
and get themselves in tiptop working order.
So, when the humans finally arrive...
The next human.
Right.
When the next generation of Robbies arrive,
they will have everything they need.
-Sounds like a plan. -(CROWD CHEERING)
Thanks for understanding my leaving.
You see, they've asked me to come with them.
It'll be Christmas on Earth soon.
As you well know,
I've never even seen a Christmas tree.
That is why you were made.
It's your destiny, I suppose.
I knew you'd understand.
I do.
I'll miss our bickering, and I'll, uh...
-I'll miss you. -(GASPS) Oh.
We can keep in touch via radio.
Hey, a long-distance relationship.
Given our history, I think we can handle that.
TINSELINA: Bye!
(METAL SQUEAKING)
Planet Earth! All aboard!
Ready for blastoff?
Ready!
Then let her pop.
(BEEPS) (POPPING)
(CROWD CHEERING)
ALL: Bye!
As I said, all's well that ends well.
The missile.
I forgot to deactivate it.
I'm the only one who knows the abort code.
Countdown commencing.
(ALARM BLARING)
I'll never make it there in time.
Quick. Into my crumb tray.
Toaster, we can't stop liftoff.
We don't have enough popcorn for another ignition sequence.
-(ALARM CONTINUES) -(ROBBIE GIGGLES)
Look after the little master for me.
Ten,
nine,
eight,
seven,
-six... -Hop on top.
five,
four,
three, two, one.
-Ignition. -(GRUNTS)
(EXPLOSION)
(ALL CHEERING)
Well, you saved the Earth from destruction, Toaster.
We did.
Are you gonna miss it?
I'm gonna miss my companions
and the little master and the big master
TOASTER: and the mistress and Ratzo...
We have to go back down.
We can't.
We don't have anything organic left
to zap us into hyperspace.
Hm...
Wait a minute. Yes, we do.
I'm organic.
The red dust of Mars is clogging her cranium.
My hair is real human hair
and the feathers on my dress are real goose down.
And my petticoat is genuine Austrian linen.
And you'd give all that up?
The spirit of Christmas is to give. Isn't it?
Now, get a move on! We have to save Toaster!
TOASTER: ...Formica countertop, the breadbox.
Yeah. I'm gonna miss it something awful.
Maybe you won't have to miss anybody after all.
Up here!
Come on!
(INDISTINCT CHATTER)
Come on, Toaster. Just a little bit more.
RADIO: Come on. Come on.
You're almost there. Just a little further.
Come on. A little farther. Come on!
(PANTING)
I, I don't think I can make it.
(PANTING) I don't think...
I can make it. I can make it.
(ALL CHEERING)
(CHEERING CONTINUES)
Hey, look, everybody.
(BEEPS) (WHIRRING)
-RADIO: Listen, everybody. -(RADIO CHATTER)
We must be just a short-wave away from Earth.
I hope Ratzo hasn't had any problems with the intercom.
How you doing, buddy? Comfy? Good.
(WHIRRING)
(ROBBIE COOING)
♪ Home again
♪ Safe and content
♪ Glad to be
♪ Home again
♪ Still glad we went
♪ Never know
♪ When we'll be called
♪ To bravely sail the skies
♪ But we all know
♪ That once we do
♪ Home is our prize
♪ No photographs
♪ No souvenirs
♪ No proof we traveled far
♪ No "welcome back"
♪ With bands and cheers
♪ But our reward is where we are
♪ Home again
♪ On steady grounds
♪ Sit a bit
♪ Settle in
♪ Home, safe and sound
♪ Tabletops
♪ And window shades
♪ Seem more special then
♪ The household hums
♪ When family comes
♪ Home
♪ Again
♪ Home
♪ Again
♪ Home again ♪
Everybody, back to your places.
Oh, don't waste time reattaching me to the ceiling.
Just leave me on the floor, face up.
-Come on, Tinselina. -I'll...
I'll catch up with you.
(BIRDS CHIRPING)
Got to get him back to bed before everyone wakes up.
I hate to bust your bubble, but...
(ROBBIE SHRIEKS)
(SCREAMS)
(MUFFLED YELLING)
No! Wait! Don't!
-(INTERCOM SQUEALING) -What's that?
The baby!
(ROBBIE COOING)
ROBBIE: Wee!
(GASPS)
Rob? Where is he?
-(ROBBIE COOING) -Aw!
There you are.
-He's walking. -He's walking.
(GASPS) Aw!
Robbie, how did you learn to do that?
Maybe he learned it in his sleep.
MOM: Come on.
ROB: He's a fast learner.
MOM: Oh, Rob.
(SNIFFS) It's the end of the line for me.
-(COOING) -ROB: Come here, Robbie.
Look at the camera.
Smile. (CHUCKLES) Where are you going?
(COOING)
-Where did this come from? -Got me.
-What is it? -It's a Christmas angel.
It was a Christmas angel.
Well, Rob, one thing I learned from you
is never to throw anything away.
(ROBBIE COOING)
(SLEIGH BELLS JINGLING)
(WIND HOWLING)
(ROBBIE YELLING, GIGGLING)
It's 5 a.m.
5 a.m.
Christmas morning.
-Christmas! -Christmas!
(ROBBIE COOING)
He's trying to talk. Get the video camera.
Come on, Robbie. Just say "Daddy" or "Mommy."
(BABY TALK)
Toaster.
Toaster?
(ROBBIE COOING)
ROB: Where are you going, buddy?
-ROB: I don't believe it. -MOM: What's he doing?
What? Now what?
-(ROB CHUCKLING) -What is going on?
Like father, like son.
They look like they're having a good time.
Wish we could be there.
Hey, after lights out, we'll have our own party.
What do you say?
Didn't you hear Ratzo, Squirt? We're gonna have a party, too.
-So, you can stop sniffling. -I'm not crying, Mom.
I just need a new washer.
And maybe Santa will bring you one.
Oh, boy!
CHRIS: Let's get Ratzo. He'll feel left out.
ROB: I'll heat up some popcorn in the microwave
and fill Robbie's bottle.
She looks great, by the way.
Yep. Everything's where it belongs.
(MAGICAL CHIMES)
-♪ Home again -ROBBIE: Ooh!
♪ Home again
♪ On steady ground
♪ Sit a bit
-♪ Settle in -Pretty.
♪ Home, safe and sound
♪ Tabletops
♪ And window shades
♪ Seem more special then
♪ The household hums
♪ When family comes
♪ Home
♪ Again
♪ Home
♪ Again ♪
(MUSIC PLAYING)
♪ Oh, we’re floating west and east
♪ We go floating free and released
♪ From the hands that gave us flight
♪ Hands too little to hold on tight
♪ Now we float forever in and out of sight
♪ It wasn’t so much the music
♪ Or the rain that started to fall
♪ The miracle part of Woodstock
♪ Was that peace could happen at all
♪ Peace could happen at all
♪ Heard they tried it again
♪ But me and my string
♪ Feel you can’t relive a one-time thing
♪ So we’re floating Floating south and north
♪ We go floating Floating backwards and forth
♪ ’Cause the hands that gave us flight
♪ Hands too little to hold on tight
♪ Now we float forever in and out of sight
♪ At Buffalo Bill’s Wild West Show
♪ Well, it sure was noisy and wild
♪ I bobbled above the grandstand
♪ From a sticky hand of a child
♪ When Bill waved to the crowd
♪ ’Twas fine fun until
♪ That small hand that held me Waved to Bill
♪ He waved to Bill
♪ Now we’re floating Floating east and west
♪ It’s like walking when you’re at rest
♪ Come and join our endless flight
♪ From hands too little to hold on tight
♪ Now we float forever in and out of sight
♪ La, la, la, la, floating La, la, la
♪ La, la, la, la, floating La, la, la, la
♪ La, la, la, la, floating La, la, la
♪ La, la, la, la, floating La, la, la, la