♪ dramatic music ♪
♪ theme song playing ♪
♪
[sighs]
[sighs, sucking]
- Aw. He's using his jacket
as some kind of security blanket.
- That's so cute and pathetic.
- It really is. You do you, weirdo!
- Oh, hey, guys. I'm just sucking on my jacket.
A Clump-O-Honey candy got stuck right there
over a thousand years ago, and I can still taste it.
- You know who I bet would like some of that?
Me! Zoidberg.
[slurping]
- Oh, no! [slurping]
Zoidberg, you residue hog!
Now all I taste is crab juice.
- So, buy another jacket candy.
- I can't. They stopped making it
after it got reclassified as industrial glue.
- Ah. Then I, Bender, will recreate the recipe.
Don't forget, I came in third on MasterChef Junior.
[bubbling]
[squirting]
- May I have a taste?
- Sure. You seem like the kind of guy who has a mouth.
[slurps, smacking]
- Whoa! Diabetic coma!
- Hm. I better add some sugar to make it less sweet.
- And just a touch of treacle
to remind me of my dear departed Aunt Juanita.
[sniffles] She drowned in treacle.
- You know I'm dying on the floor.
[Bender humming]
[excited murmuring]
- So, what do you think? [Fry smacking]
- Mm! It's perfect, Bender. Totally jacket worthy.
[smacking] - It's a little sticky.
- [muffled]: It's a lot sticky!
[muffled groaning]
[smack] And there's something hard in it.
♪ dramatic sting ♪
[gasps] [Bender yelps]
- Luckily, I'm an expert at fixing human beak bones.
Are you free Friday for an expensive appointment?
- Let me check. Open calendar!
Shmeird. There's some old alert
I set up 20 years ago.
[gasps] Our babies?!
- It's time, my love.
- Oh, Kif!
- The hell are you talking about?
Something to do with the meatbag life cycle?
- That's right, Bender. Many years ago,
I gave birth to a clutch of tadpoles
with Amy by my side.
- I have video of the birth. Wanna see it?
ALL: No!
- That is the wrong kind of delivery!
- Oh, Nelly! Oh! [squishing]
[screaming, groaning] [splattering]
[crew groans]
- Life is disgusting.
- No, it was beautiful.
But I was so not prepared to be a mother.
- In 20 years, they'll sprout legs
and crawl back onto land as children.
- I'll be ready then.
- Well, Amy, are you ready now?
- Having a family with you
is the only thing I want in the whole world.
BENDER: Then can I have your car? - No!
- Too late. I already crashed it.
[zooming]
♪
[creatures chirping]
- Oh, this is so exciting!
The birth ceremony will begin any minute.
- Thanks for the warning.
And don't describe it to me! [car doors open]
INEZ: We're here! - Mom! Dad!
Oh, I'm so glad you made it!
- Oh, we wouldn't miss the birth of our grandbabies
for a million dollars.
- 'Cause we're so rich, that's like a penny.
[bubbling, gurgling] [Kif sputtering]
- Oh, my. It's the Grand Midwife.
- I am the Grand Midwife!
- Big fan!
- I am Kif of the clan Kroker.
- I know. I recognize your head.
- And this is my smizmar, Amy.
We have come to receive our offspring.
- As you transition to parenthood,
I shall be your counsel and guide.
I do so out of solemn respect for our traditions
and not for any optional cash donation
people sometimes place in that basket.
- Thank you. - It's green,
and there's a little sign on it. - Found it!
- Then the Emergence shall now commence!
[excited chattering]
[chirping]
Or not. It's unpredictable.
Guess I'll have to wing it. Anybody here from out of town?
[splashing] O-oh! Here they come.
♪
[bubbling, gurgling]
- Oh my. I'm so anxious, my camouflage reflex is kicking in.
- No, it's helpful.
I wanna look cute for our hundreds of kids.
♪
- We shall now stand by, without interfering,
as we observe the sacred process known as...
the Winnowing.
- What's that mean?
- It means don't start naming them yet.
[cawing]
♪
[all gasp]
[squawks]
[chomp]
♪
- Four of them made it!
[snarling, crunching]
Well, three and a half.
- Young creatures of the Black Lagoon,
go now to your parents.
[squishy footsteps]
- Uh, can I help you?
- Over here!
[gasps] They're perfect.
- Ew. She's touching them.
- Cherish these children, Kif and Amy,
for they are beautiful.
BENDER: Eh...
- Well, in-in the sense that all children are beautiful.
[understanding chatter]
♪
[squishing]
The transformation is complete!
We welcome these new beings of the land.
[cheering, applause]
- They can call me Captain Uncle.
- Uh, I'll go dispose of this medical waste.
With a little butter and lemon.
- Want a picture with the kids? - No need.
The way they look is burned into my mind.
- They're nice, you know? Just a kinda little--
- Super gross.
- But, you're finally grandparents.
- That'll be our little secret.
[car door opens, shuts] [engine starts, whirring]
♪
PROFESSOR: Oh my.
- Thanks for bringing the kids by for my lunch break.
- They're the sweetest thing on the menu.
BENDER: Not even close!
- Uh, question.
These three babies are totally different sizes.
Question mark.
- Oh, well, they grew at varying rates
depending on the temperature of the water they were in.
Little Newt here was in a cold, deep area.
- Mama! - Wrong again.
[Newt cooing]
- Mandy is from the temperate middle depths.
- He's shrively!
- [laughs] You haven't seen the half of it.
- And Axl is from the warm shallows,
just like his old man.
- [groans] Do you always have to talk about me?
- So why does this one keep calling me Mama?
And what's with the big weird eye?
- It's not weird. It looks like yours.
- [whispers]: It's pretty weird.
- Why would he look like me?
- Don't you remember?
Twenty years ago, you impregnated Kif.
- Seriously? Oh, my God.
I must have been super drunk.
- Leela, you bone brain! You didn't have sex.
- [laughs] Bone.
- Luckily, there's an educational movie
that explains how Kif's species reproduces.
And it's filthy.
NARRATOR: YowzaVision Educational Films
presents Sex Across The Universe.
BENDER: Oh, yeah! Educate me, baby.
NARRATOR: This week, the Amphibiosans.
For every organism across the universe,
reproduction is a steamy, erotic process.
Except the Amphibiosans.
They just barely touch hands
while the rest of us are gettin' it on.
Yowza. [hologram ends]
BENDER: Eh, that was pretty hot.
- So, you see, Amy was my smizmar,
the one whose mere presence made me receptive to pregnancy.
- Which makes me their smizmama.
- But it was Lila who contributed the DNA
when she accidentally touched Kif's hand.
- Are you sure I wasn't drunk?
I-I mean, I'm drunk now. [gulping]
- Mwah!
- Ew! Mom, Dad!
[burps] Leela!
♪ Will you stay in our lovers' story? ♪
♪ If you stay, you won't be sorry ♪
♪ 'Cause we believe in you ♪
[crying]
♪ Soon you'll grow, so take a chance ♪
♪ With a couple of kooks hung up on romancing ♪
♪ Will you stay in our lovers' story? ♪
♪ If you stay, you won't be sorry ♪
♪ 'Cause we believe in you ♪
[quacking]
♪ Soon, you'll grow, so take a chance ♪
♪ With a couple of kooks ♪
♪ Hung up on romancing ♪
[cooing]
[giggling]
- Let's reinflate my head and go home.
- Yeah. Maybe they'll conk out and we'll get a little us time.
[kids laughing] [Kif gasping]
[laughing] [splattering]
- [sighs] Those little guys are the best, but they're a lot.
- Well, luckily, there's two of us to split the work.
♪ Doop, doo-doo-doop, doop, doop, doop, doop! ♪
- Captain Brannigan! At your service, sir.
- With ease, Lieutenant. I have a bit of news to say at you.
- Is it about the baby gifts you claim you sent? Because we still haven't--
- I'm afraid there's no time to discuss
the many presents I bought, some of which are large.
Soldier, you are ordered to report for duty.
[Amy gasps]
- Is it war? - I hope so, but we're not sure.
All we know is that DOOP has lost radio contact
with a remote outpost in Ursa Major. Over and under.
[beep] [clattering]
[groans]
- I'm sorry you'll have to handle the kids alone.
- [scoffs] I'm not worried.
[yelps]
♪
KIF: I love you!
[engines sputtering]
[gears grinding]
[sniffling]
[Axl crying softly]
[Mandy crying]
[Newt crying loudly]
[Amy wailing]
[all sobbing]
[out-of-tune shofar playing]
- Roll call!
"Four eyes." "One-eye." "Crab man."
"Can man." "Who cares?"
Dammit! Where's Amy?
What do I need, a bigger antler?
[door opens] - Oh, I'm so, so sorry.
The babysitter didn't show up.
[phone ringing] Ah!
- Finally. Where are you? - Sorry, toots.
I must have the address wrong.
784 West 28th Street?
Uh-huh. Weird, th-that's what I got.
Oh, Earth! Ah!
Coulda swore you said Kepler 10B.
[wind blowing]
Guess I'll catch the next generation ship back to Nutley.
- Oh...
- Mom, Mom, Mom! Can you judge our whispering contest?
[whispers]: Okay. You ready?
I lose! [laughing] [Newt crying, Mandy yelling]
Oh, come on! Oh--
♪
[burps, laughs]
- Look at me, chugging mineral water on a weeknight!
So wild and free!
♪
[crying]
I miss them so.
- I feel you, soldier.
And not in a handsy way this time.
Mm. [smacking]
Sticky...
Bring a bowl of these candies to my quarters
when you're done crying.
[hair rips]
[kids laughing]
- Thanks for offering to watch the kids, Leela.
I need a break so bad. You have no idea.
- No, it's clear you're a wreck, and I get it.
They're a nightmare. [objects breaking]
A-A sweet, adorable nightmare.
- That's fair. Kids!
Mommy's gonna go nap-nap.
Don't be scared of Leela. She's very--
[Newt cheers] MANDY: Yay! Mommy Leela!
- Cowabunga, dude! [kids giggling]
♪
- The Clump-O-Honeys you requested, Capt-- Oh jeez.
[humming] [Kif sighs]
If there's nothing further, I will-- - Oh no, you willn't.
These delicious Clumps aren't for eating. Mm!
Mm...
They're for manscaping.
Manscape me, Kif. That's an order.
[hair rips] Owooga!
NEWT: Ooh! - Whoa! What's that?
- I never saw one of those before,
and I was born, like, four days ago.
- It's a ship loader. Any hyperactive kids here
up for a nice, exhausting treadmill race? [beep, whirring]
- Oh wow! Cool! I mean, cool. [Newt and Mandy cheering]
- God, I hope this works.
♪
[snoring]
[snorting]
[yawns, stretches]
[kids laughing]
♪ somber music ♪
[sensors beeping]
- Approaching the outpost, sir. Still no response on any frequency.
- My God. What the hell happened down there?
It looks like the whole planet has psoriasis.
- You're looking at the back of my head, sir.
[shudders]
♪
[door whirring, clangs]
- Welcome to Exobiology Station 38.
[clicking]
- Dammit! I'm outta laser!
- Um, hello, sir. Is this outpost secure?
The DOOP hasn't received any response from you in months.
- Oh, yeah. Transmitter got ripped up by bears.
[fizzling]
That's what we study here. Bears. I'm a bear biologist.
- Sounds like a fun job that pays bad.
- I used to be a whale biologist, but I hate whales.
Hate them.
- Well, then it's good you found an animal you like.
- Nope. Still looking.
[bear growling, grunting] This bear species is known as tardigrades.
It's a fancy word for ugly.
[roaring] Oh, shut up, you stupid bear!
They're also stupid, by the way.
I discovered that. Bear biologist.
♪
[clicking]
[zapping] [shuddering]
[hissing] - I fixed the transmitter.
Now, may I please head home to my family?
- Without delay. But first,
candy break?
[chomping loudly]
♪ dramatic music ♪
- Are you bat crackers?
If they smell human food, they go bat crackers!
[tardigrades growling]
- It seems they recognize a fellow apex predator.
Well, four can play at that game.
[confused grumbling]
[screaming]
Kif! Help!
[Kif groans]
[birds chirping] [Leela imitating horse]
[kids laugh] AXL: Let's go! Faster! Faster!
- Go, horseface, go! [sighs]
- [panting] Neigh!
- Now, buy us ice cream! [Leela sighs]
♪
Rum raisin tastes just like caterpillars!
- We love you, Leela.
- Aw, hell no! You're not the mom of them!
- What? - Are you done spoiling my kids rotten
so they'll love you more?
- I'm just a beaten-down horse.
- Well, you can trot back to the barn now!
Kif's coming home soon, and you are not their mom!
- Uh, actually, I sort of am.
- Go on! Git! Hyah!
[Zapp screaming]
[tardigrades growling quietly] ZAPP: Oh God, they're nuzzling me!
[phone ringing, click]
- Hello? [crying]
- Please come home, Kiffy!
The kids like Leela more than me, and it really hurts.
[sobbing]
I'm the worst mom ever.
Except for my own mom.
ZAPP: Stop licking my velour! It's dry clean only!
- Amy, darling, the children love you.
And I love you.
ZAPP: And stay away from my scrotums!
- You're their mother, and you always will be.
Nothing can change that.
♪ dramatic sting ♪
- Amy Wong, a challenge has been filed
for the motherhood of these children.
- No... [static]
- [breaking up]: Amy? Amy, I'm coming home, I swear.
I have to leave right now, sir!
ZAPP: No, Kif! The DOOP never leaves a man behind!
Not when I'm the man!
[groans]
♪ dramatic music ♪
- Alright, bears. Daddy's coming to tuck you in...
[shotgun cocks]
...to your graves.
[panting]
♪ music crescendos ♪
- I'll be out here.
♪
- Nobody's taking my babies!
They're everything to me!
- I appreciate your emotional shouting in my ear hole,
but I must intervene whenever parenthood is called into question.
- Grand Midwife?
- Oh, drop the surprised act, Leela.
How could you do this? - Do what?
Suck the jelly out of the jelly donuts with a straw?
- This jelly hound did not summon me. The challenge is automatic
when tests show the smizmar contributed no DNA.
[beep] The children inherited genes
only from Kif and Leela,
plus trace DNA from a certain Scruffy.
[creaking] - Scruffy's stuff gets around.
[sniffles, groans]
- Should the challenge indicate someone else is the mother,
then that person...
eh, or whatever...
shall raise the children.
- But... But...
- You and Kif must be present for the challenge tomorrow. Good day.
♪ music crescendos ♪
Yeah, FYI, y-you've got a little jelly right there.
[door hisses]
[tardigrades sniffing, grumbling]
♪
- Did somebody call an exterminator?
♪
[growling]
[zapping, poofing]
It's been a blast. ZAPP: Help me, Kif!
They found the secret candy in my girdle!
[grunting]
♪
[sniffing, growling]
KIF: I'm a camouflaged killing machine.
[crying]
- I'm...
I'm sorry I got so jealous, Leela.
I just kinda lost it. - It's okay.
The bond parents feel with their kids is intense...
so I hear.
[video game beeping] I'm just proud I helped you become a mom.
[sniffling]
[crying]
I hope it works out for you tomorrow.
- And if it doesn't,
[sniffles] I'm sure you'll take good care of them.
[wailing]
[sucking]
- I refuse to die groveling.
But I'm open to sniveling.
[sniveling]
♪
[stabbing] [tardigrades grunting]
Naked Kif,
you saved my life!
You have my undying loyalty.
[tardigrades growling]
Eat Kif! He's boneless!
[sniveling]
[tardigrades roaring]
♪
- This one's for Axl, Mandy,
and little what's-his-name.
[gun cocks]
[soft, high growling]
♪
[tardigrades growl]
[shotgun cocks]
[panting]
[zapping]
[yelps]
♪
- I am the Grand Midwife from the other day,
inquisitor for the challenge of Amy Wong.
Amy, where is your smizmale?
- He isn't with me.
- Oh, the sorrow! Oh, the shame!
- There he is!
[helicopter whirring]
- Okay, but it doesn't lessen the shame.
- Kif! - Amy!
MANDY/AXL: Daddy!
- I don't remember him.
- So, like, did you do war stuff?
- I did what a Daddy had to do.
♪
[baby tardigrades growl]
[shotgun cocks]
- Bear number 23 was also stupid,
fighting for scraps while I dined on salmon tartare.
[mocking chewing]
None for you, losers! [laughs]
[yelps]
Oh!
[splat]
[tardigrades growl]
♪ dramatic music ♪
- The challenge may play out over days or weeks
within the brutal confines of the Inquisidome.
Some call it a tiki hut.
- Leela's gonna watch you guys while we're in there.
[sniffles]
And maybe a little longer.
But whatever happens,
you're going to be okay.
[sniffles]
- You are, too.
[bubbling]
♪
- The challenge is a challenging challenge,
dating from when our language had few words.
It will incorporate a battery of genetic tests
and a full neuropsychological obstacle course,
but it begins with a simple question.
Amy Wong.
Do you or do you not love those children?
♪
- More than I knew I could love anything.
- Which is all that truly matters.
The challenge is over.
You are their mother
and always will be.
[gasps]
[creaking, cracking]
Oops! That wasn't supposed to happen.
Cheap, lousy wall.
Children! You may now come hug your mother and father.
For only a small additional fee.
[kids laughing]
- You're my favorite mommy.
♪
[cork pops] [sniffles]
- Who wants treacle?
[cooing]
- Strong stuff, huh?
[Leela sniffles]
[clink]
[Newt cooing]
♪