ECHOING VOICE: What is the fu-- What is the fu--
♪ What is the future... ♪
♪ What is the fu-- What is the fu-- ♪
♪ What is the future? ♪
♪ theme song playing ♪
♪ What is the future... ♪
♪
- News! Bad!
We're bankrupt.
Oh, I borrowed money to invest in Bitcoin.
Then the price crashed, and I sold at a huge loss.
We're ruined!
Oh, sorry. I didn't realize you were watching TV.
- The tragic impact destroyed the planet Klarg,
along with its 50 billion inhabitants.
[laughs]
- In other news, Morbo, guess what's back?
- The planet Klarg? - Nope!
The price of Bitcoin!
- Uh, wha?!
- The virtual "money " is soaring once again,
leading to a high-tech gold rush.
- Prospectors are heading west, where cheap,
filthy electricity beckons the desperate.
- This gives me a desperate idea!
- Haven't you learned that Bitcoin
is just a pyramid scheme for rubes?
- Yes, and my plan
is to exploit those rubes!
[click, beeping]
You see, the new mining chips are made from element 81,
thallium, a rare element found out west.
I plan to actually mine it,
then sell it to the Bitcoin "miners."
It's a sure way to repay my loan brokers.
[all gasp]
♪ dramatic sting ♪
- Yo. We're also leg brokers.
- Goodbye, Robot Mafia!
♪
[zooming]
[electricity fizzling]
- The Bitcoin mines are using such colossal amounts of power
that it's ionizing the atmosphere.
We'll need to land and drive the rest of the way.
- I'll set her down on the Donner trail.
♪ Wild West-esque music ♪
It's a good thing we brought the oxen. Usually, we don't.
- I've never been out west before,
but I'm learning a lot from these Borax Kid action books.
MAXWELL'S DEMON: I'm robbing this vault
and ain't no ionic compound gonna stop me!
[gun cocks] BORAX KID: Freeze, Maxwell's Demon.
I'd advise you to drop those gold molecules.
MAXWELL'S DEMON: The Borax Kid! I'm gonna pump you full of lead.
[gunshots]
- You know, 'round these parts, folks don't think things.
They reckon them. And instead of an idiot,
I'll be known as a galoot!
- Isn't this scenery spectacular, Dwight? - Uh-huh.
Your mother thought you'd enjoy some fresh air for once.
[video game beeping] - She sure was wrong.
- Well, anyway, I'm really looking forward
to some quality father-son time.
- With who?
[video game beeping stops]
♪ grandiose music ♪
- Ah, crypto country.
There's thallium in them thar hills!
Priceless, toxic thallium.
- Um, is this thallium?
[teeth crack] [smacking lips]
- Oh my, yes! High-grade ore!
- Um, Professor? Toxic.
- Relax. They're my prospecting teeth.
[chattering]
[lisping]: Oh, quit your chattering. We're almost there.
♪ Western-style music ♪
- Welcome to Doge City!
Looks like you got seven hornswogglers and a galoot!
♪
- Woo-hoo! We made it!
- It's pretty lawless out here in crypto country,
so put on your protective headgear.
♪
[video game beeping]
Hiya!
[groaning, grunts]
♪
[horse snorts] [roadrunner meeps]
- Kind of old-fashioned for a town built on high-speed computation.
- Well, every watt of electricity
goes to the Bitcoin mining computers.
For everyone else,
it's practically like living in the Old West.
- Old West. Got it.
- Until we stake our claim and strike it rich,
keep in mind, we're bankrupt.
So we'll all need to do Old West stuff to get by.
- Old West. Got it.
♪ saloon tack piano playing ♪
[quiet saloon chatter]
- Welcome, friends. What'll you have?
- Your freest beverage. We're very poor.
- Gotcha. I'll just mix all the unfinished drinks together and start a tab.
- She seems nice. - At times, yes.
Though her mood fluctuates like the price of Bitcoin.
[yells]
- And don't come back till you settle your tab!
Though, I do regret hurting you. I tell you what.
Go see the girls in the back room. It's on me.
- Girls? - Yep.
Delilah runs a house of ill repute in back.
- "Ill"? You mean a hospital?
- I mean a cathouse.
- A pet store?
- A brothel.
- A soup kitchen?!
- Yeah. A soup kitchen.
[maniacal laugh] [gunshots, man yelling]
♪ intimidating Western music ♪
- Whoa! Who's that?
- A psychotic killer, that's who! Get down!
- Hey, Roberto! What's with the piece?
I thought you were more of a knife guy.
- Out here in the West, I need something shootier.
Like this gun-knife I invented-stole!
Where's that beer I ordered-didn't order?!
- You didn't order a-- [yelps]
- Say, you're new in town and low on cash.
You interested in a job as a barmaid and/or a prostitute?
- Um, I'm not sure Leela has the skills to be a barmaid.
- Gimme the tray!
[horse whinnying]
- Alright, up next, our final item.
This burro is in near-mint condition.
Perfect for hauling Bitcoin, light housework, or just abusing.
Bidders? Bidders? Do I have any bidders?
- Twelve-millionths of a Bitcoin!
- Twelve micro-Bitcoin. Do I hear 13? Thirteen, 13?
- Not from me, you don't!
- Fifteen! I always wanted to own a racehorse.
- That's a donkey, Bender.
- Donkeys are just ugly horses, Amy.
[bell clangs] - Sold to the zoologist over there!
- Oh! I'm gonna call him Rusty.
- Good 'cause that's his name!
♪
[birds chirping]
- Ah! This looks like a good place to make camp.
Doesn't it look like a good place to make camp?
- It looks stupid. This whole trip is stupid.
You're stupid, Pops!
- I appreciate your constructive criticism, son.
- I wish Roberto were my dad.
He's cooler than a green snake smoking a sugar cane vape.
- No self-respecting green snake would do that!
[imitating Roberto's laugh]
♪ triumphant Western music ♪
[clank] - Kind sir, could you assay this nugget?
By my tooth test, I estimate it's 0.3% thallium.
- Tooth test? [cackles] Balderweeds.
Let's see what my metallurgical analyzer says.
[chomp, beeping, ding]
ANALYZER: 0.3% thallium.
- Hoo-hoo, boy!
I'll give you 100 micro-Bitcoin for it.
- But weed a million times that amount or we're gonna get clamped!
- [cackles] Robot Mafia, huh? Eh.
Well, maybe there's some thallium in that there chassis of yours.
[whirring, clanking]
- Assay my shiny metal ass!
[chomps] [yelps]
[beeping, buzz]
ANALYZER: 0.0000...
- Tain't even worth melting down.
- Well then, perhaps my ass might be of value to you
in some other way?
- Eh, it might make a good frying pan,
but fried food makes me cackle. [cackles]
- We'll just sell you the nugget.
[whoosh] [cash register dings]
May I ask who turns the thallium into microchips?
- I'm an all-in-one operation.
My motto is, "He who smelts it, dealts it!"
[clattering] [beeping, squish]
[ding]
Pop one of those in a high-end server, and blam!
You're mining crypto. [ding]
Ooh, lookie there! Found another Bitcoin!
[beep] Aw, dog dumplings.
It's just a danged Ethereum.
♪
[door creaks]
- Hello, I'm Zoidberg.
Like you, I'm a doctor.
So, uh, what's your survival rate?
- Pretty high. I'm a psychiatrist.
Got a patient coming 'round for anger management about now.
[door opens]
- Hiya, Doc. Boy, it's been a stressful week.
What's with the jumbo prawn?
- A colleague. Mind if he sits in?
- Yes, I do mind!
I value doctor-patient confidentiality!
[screaming]
Patang! DOCTOR: Ah!
[thud]
♪ saloon tack piano playing ♪
- So, how's business?
- Disappointing. I only got 30 cents in tips
and one request to visit the back room.
I mean, I wouldn't go, but it's nice to be asked.
Can you think of anything I can do to look sluttier?
- Nope. [gasps]
Look! The Borax Kid!
And his sidekick Mumbles!
- You know he's not actually a hero like in his books, right?
He's a poker cheat and a low-down base mineral.
- Wow. The Borax Kid.
Excuse me, Mr. Kid.
My name is Fry, and I'm a big fan of your young adult adventures.
- Oh, really? Uh, do you play poker?
- Yeah, but I was warned not to play poker with you.
- Well, then how about a hand of Colorado Chump?
- As long as it's not poker.
So what are you doing here?
Fighting evil or just helping townspeople?
- Not much money in helping folks.
Double chump. You lose.
ROBERTO: I heard the Borax Kid's in town.
Come on out here, Kid!
- Mumbles, go see what all that fuss is about.
And wear my signature hat.
[mumbling]
[gunshots] ROBERTO: Pa-pow-pow!
- Mumbles is dead!
[mumbling]
Don't argue with me, Mumbles. I'm the town doctor.
- Well, shucks. My sidekicks seem to be dying right regular.
And in gruesome fashion.
Care to be my new sidekick?
- Really? Do I get to die in your next book?
- Page three.
- Then you got yourself a galoot.
♪
- Nice camp. Is this my tent?
- No. You only come in to tidy up.
There's just enough room for me and my private library there.
- Can I sleep in the library?
- I'd like to say yes, but then it wouldn't be private.
♪
- This place has too much outdoors!
It's all bugs and no Wi-Fi.
- Don't get your dreads in a knot, son.
Any more than they're supposed to be.
How about a father-son limbo break?
- I hate limbo, Dad! Limbo is stupid.
- Limbo stupid? Where did I go wrong?
- Probably when you took up limbo.
From what I'm hearing, it's stupid.
- Bender! Where are the shovels I asked you to pack?
- Oh, you said shovels?
I thought you said take a break and do nothing.
- Hm. Then we'll just have to find thallium
the old-fashioned way. By panning.
- Panning? With what?
- [sighs] Sometimes, I think a detachable ass
is more a curse than a blessing. Come on, Rusty.
[clopping]
♪
♪ We're just a guy with no ass ♪
♪ And his ass ♪
♪ Assin' it up under an asinine sky ♪
♪ Assin' to the tumbleweeds as we ass by ♪
♪ Yodeling a cowboy tune ♪
♪ But, not yet! ♪
♪ People sass me on my ass as we pass ♪
♪ They say, wouldn't it be better if my ass rode me? ♪
♪ They tell me I outweigh my ass ♪
♪ By a factor of three ♪
♪ So, I punch 'em and I kick their ♪
♪ Yodel-odel-ay-hee-hoo ♪
♪ harmonizing braying ♪
♪ Ass, butt, rear-end, ass ♪
♪ Yodel-ay hee hoo-- ♪
[bones crack] [yelps]
What the? Rusty! No! [mournful bray]
[both screaming] [crash]
Oh, why didn't I listen to my own song?!
[playing tack piano, rollers rattling]
- Get yourself tuned or get outta town, you overgrowed teletype machine.
[cackling]
- Eh, shut your cackling trap!
[cackling] [clanging]
- Cram that racket!
This is a nice, quiet saloon with attached bordello.
- You handle the menfolk pretty well.
But mess with my customers again,
and I'll kill you in your sleep!
Lovin' the boots.
- Um, have you considered seeing someone
about your mood swings? - No!
But it is a good idea.
[doors open] DWIGHT: Mr. Roberto?
Folks call me Amarillo Dwight.
On account of I wrote a geography report on it.
Done got me a "A."
How's about you and me team up and rob stuff?
- What are you, like, 11? - Twelve.
- Close enough. I need a kid for a job I'm planning.
See that stagecoach?
[horses neigh]
It's taking a USB stick
with a company's weekly haul of Bitcoin credentials
to a bank in San Francisc-y.
Only, they ain't never gonna reach San Francisc-y.
- Why not? They using Apple Maps?
♪
- [groans] Not one patient.
Not even a case of splinters to treat with my bone saw.
[weak bray]
Thanks, robot, but I couldn't eat a thing right now.
[weak braying]
- [sniffles] Can you save him, Doc?
- If it's something that can be cured by a bone saw!
I'll need anesthetic!
Get me a bottle of animal whiskey!
ROBERTO: Ha-ha!
They see a cute kid lying in the road,
stagecoach gotta stop.
Then I jump out and stab 'em!
Bang!
- But, won't that be, like, murder?
'Cause colleges look at stuff like that.
- Here they come! Shut up and look cute.
[horses trotting]
[Dwight screams]
Guess you ain't as cute as I thought.
[groaning]
[snaps, yelps]
♪
[mechanism whirring]
- The West can be dangerous at night, Leela,
so thanks for walking me home.
[roaring] [yelping]
Don't worry. The Kid will save us, right? BORAX KID: Right.
[whimpering]
- Better back off, puma. [snarls]
- I think it's actually a cougar.
- Puma, cougar, whatever! Get him, Kid!
- Or a mountain lion. You know, they're really all the same animal.
[roaring] [screams]
[frightened growling, snarling]
[cocks gun]
- It seems I bravely shot that catamount
just in time after Fry missed.
- Thanks, Kid. Maybe I was wrong about you.
- Beautiful ladies are wrong about lots of things.
[clicks tongue] [Leela giggles]
- Ah, it's nice to see you two getting along so intimately.
♪
- It's hopeless!
There's barely any thallium!
Just worthless gold.
- Well, Rusty's good as new!
- I performed surgery on Bender's ass!
Zoidberg is the hero!
[loud clang]
- No! Bender's ass is!
♪
- I mean his butt ass.
♪
[all gasping]
- It's so beautiful.
Hey, what's that big rock on it?
- It's enough thallium to pay off all our debts!
Eh, well, mine, anyway.
- Only the assay shop's closed for the night,
and it's getting dark.
- We'll have to take turns guarding the nugget
with our lives until morning.
I'd take a shift myself,
but I am already in my pajamas.
[snoring]
♪
- I steal it. I steal it not. I steal it...
[gun cocks] [yelps]
- Gimme the nugget!
And the daisy, too. I gotta know how it comes out!
[birds chirping]
[all yawning]
- Ah, nature.
I hate it. Let's sell that thallium nugget and hit the trail.
- Oh, no. The nugget is gone!
And so is Bender.
[muffled braying] - Eh, wha?
AMY: Oh, my gosh! Rusty!
Bray us what happened!
[braying]
Come on! He's picked up Bender's scent!
- His what now?
♪ saloon tack piano playing ♪
♪ music stops ♪
♪ tense music ♪
[braying]
- Back room don't open till church lets out.
- [gasps] It's empty!
- This is the worst brothel I've ever seen.
♪ music builds ♪
[gasps] [beeping]
- It's an immense Bitcoin mine!
Or an even worse brothel.
- These aren't servers. They're robot heads!
Someone's using them to mine Bitcoin!
- That's actually a pretty reasonable use case for robot heads. But--
- Hey! It's a guy I know.
[all gasping]
Are you okay, Bender?
- No, I'm not okay! That's a stupid question!
- I was peacefully stealing your thallium,
when, suddenly-- Ha-ha!
I was kidnapped by our friend from the saloon.
[door opens] - I'm not your friend.
♪ dramatic sting ♪
[laughs] Though, I do like you a lot.
♪ dramatic music ♪
- Didn't you ever wonder who was gettin' rich
off all this Bitcoin nonsense?
- Never! - Computer servers are expensive,
but robot heads are cheap. Heck, free.
- Mining Bitcoin with kidnapped robot heads?
It's pure evil!
- Hardly. I donate all the proceeds to a local orphanage.
ALL: Aw...
- But I can't let you tell anyone about my generous scheme,
so I'll have to seal you
in this comfortably air-conditioned warehouse.
Forever! [all gasp]
But I'll drop by every day with snacks.
HERMES: Aw... ZOIDBERG: Snacks are good.
[beep, slam]
[humming]
[stops humming]
♪
♪ dramatic sting ♪
- Huh.
- Crypto mining was total hell.
Any number you can think of,
there's a number bigger than that! [banging]
- So how do we get out of here?
- Easy. We'll burrow out!
[braying]
Burrow! Burrow!
[weakly]: I deserved that.
♪
- This tie pin? Why, it was a gift
from my good friend Diamond Jim Diamond.
- That guy who's just a big diamond? You know him?
- Step away from Leela, Kid.
♪
The jig is up! I found your collection
of Buffalo Bill Cobalt novels.
You just copied those and replaced his name with yours!
- What?! - Well, now,
there's nothing illegal about that.
Those old stories are public domain.
I change up a few words and claim the copyright for myself.
Ya ever heard of Cinderella? - That is so evil!
- I'm calling you out, Kid.
♪ dramatic music ♪
♪ dramatic tack piano ♪
- I told you, stop that racket! [cackling]
- Not till you stop that damn cackling!
- Then I'm callin' you out.
[cackling]
[rumbling, crumbling]
[Rusty braying]
BENDER: Delilah, you head-napper!
I'm calling you out!
- You're on. [cackling continues]
♪
- Look out, Fry! He's got the ace of spades!
- That, sir, was my cheatin' hand.
[gunfire]
[cackling]
♪ faster tack piano ♪
[Hermes screaming]
- Pops! Get outta there!
- I'm too scared! There's bullets in every dimension!
[whirring]
- Hang on! I'm limboing in!
- You. Play something Jamaican. [flips coin]
♪ Jamaican music ♪
[gunfire, cackling continue]
[cackling continues] [shoes popping]
[spine cracking]
- Your spine!
It's magnificent!
- I take after my dad.
Also, I got run over. Now, follow me!
[shoes popping]
[yelps]
[bullet ricochets] [piano stops]
[gunfire continues]
- This gun violence has to end!
Can't we all just agree to use knives?
[gunfire stops] Ha-ha!
- Well, shucks.
- Ow!
- Oops. Sorry, Leela.
- Ma'am, I'd be right honored to disinfect your wound
with the kiss of borax.
May I escort you to the brothel, so as you can lie down?
- I've never been so offended yet slightly flattered!
- Then, I reckon I'll be moseying off
to plagiarize another adventure. Ma'am.
- Perhaps I could disinfect your wound.
- I'd like that. Care to escort me to the brothel?
- It seems, Miss Delilah, you've taken a shot to the bustle.
- Fortunately, it bounced off your damned thallium nugget.
Here. It's rightfully yours.
[bones crack] PROFESSOR: Oh!
Well, I'd better go exchange this
for Bitcoin, so I can--
- Pay back the Robot Mafia?! [clamping]
- Exactly. I'll be back in a moment.
- And in the meantime,
how would you gents fancy a visit to the back room?
DONBOT: That sounds like something we would enjoy.
[panting]
- I love you, Pops.
And limbo is not entirely stupid.
- Oh, son. Neither are you.
♪ heartwarming music ♪
♪ dramatic crescendo ♪
- If we ever get outta here,
I'm gonna give this brothel a really bad Yelp review.
♪ dramatic sting ♪
♪