[ clapping in rhythm]
Freedom, freedom, freedom, oy!
There's no denying it-- the future's crazy.
Oh, well, don't want to stand out.
BOTH: Freedom, freedom, freedom, oy!
There's nothing crazy about it.
It's just Freedom Day.
[ trilling]
So, what isFreedom Day?
Sounds like some kind of feminine hygiene product.
No. It's a fabulous, crabulous day!
If you want to do something, you do it--
and to spleck with the consequences!
[ seagull squawks]
You know, like how I live every day.
[ groans]
[ all chuckling]
Happy Freedom Day!
Oh, I think my wrist is broken.
Of course, it wouldn't be Freedom Day
without the traditional freedom tub.
[ beep]
Ooh.Wow, baby.
Mmm, that'll feel nice on my shattered bones.
Wow, nude hot-tubbing?
That's all I need to hear about Freedom Day.
Then consider the following lecture a bonus.
On Earth, freedom is a given.
But on myplanet, we have to suffer for it.
Sure, you can be a comedian
instead of a doctor--
if you want your parents
to roll over in their graves!
Sure, you can vote for Shknadel--
if you want there should be a recession!
Sure, you can go to medical school--
if you've given up
on your dream of being a comedian!
That's why I love Earth-- you can do what you want
and no one makes you feel guilty because no one cares.
We're not listening!
That'swhat I'm talking about.
[ engine roaring]
[ applause and cheers]
Freedom, freedom, freedom, oy!
[ engines rumbling]
BENDER: Excuse me, coming through!
Freedom Train arriving on track one.
[ two toots]
Ow, you broke my foot!
Freedom!
What's this next float, Linda?
Representing our men, women and children in uniform
it's Earth's greatest space hero, Zapp Brannigan.
Happy Freedom Day, ladies.
Come on, let loose and show me something.
Anything. Seriously, I'd take an armpit.
[ sighs]
Oh, yeah. Thank you, Linda.
You're welcome!
Okay, Morbo, now it's your turn.
If that is your Freedom Day wish...
[ horrified screaming]
[ Techno version of "Hail to the Chief"]
[ techno music fades]
Thank you, Secretary of Transportation.
My fellow Earthicans:
We enjoy so much freedom, it's almost sickening.
We're free to choose which hand
our sex-monitoring chip is implanted in.
And if we don't want to pay our taxes
why, we're free to spend a weekend with the Pain Monster.
[ cheerily]: See you April 15, folks!
Cue the fireworks guy.
[ rocket whistling]
[ fireworks exploding]
Ooh...Ah...
Incidentally, tonight's Freedom Day celebration
is brought to you by...
Shankman's Rubbing Compound.
When something needs rubbing, think Shankman.
[ excited cheering]Yeah, Shankman!
It costs a little more, but it's worth it.
Our planet has been through so much this past year--
wars, droughts, impeachments--
but we've never lost our sense of what's truly important:
the great taste of Charleston Chew.
[ fireworks exploding]
And now, let us salute
that beloved symbol of freedom, our flag...
Ol' Freebie.
[ Earth National Anthem plays]
[ all cheering]
I'm swelling with patriotic mucus.
In our darkest hour
we can stand erect with proud, upthrust bosoms....
Anyone who laughs is a Communist.
...knowing that, with a shifty glance skyward
we will see by the rocket's red glare
that our flag is still there.
It's gone!
[ slurping]
[ burps]
[ gasping]
Yes, fellow patriots, I ate your flag!
And I did it with pride.
For to express oneself by doing a thing
is the very essence of Freedom Day.
Bless this planet and all its wonderful people.
[ crickets chirping]
Kill him!
Kill the traitor!
[ crowd mutters angrily]
[ high-pitched shriek]
[ crowd yelling angrily]
W-w-wooo, w-w-woo!
Hey, it's the guy who desecrated our flag!
NIXON: Stop that Red menace!
W-w-wooo, w-w-woo!
[ panting]
[ breathlessly]: W-w-wooo, w-w-woo!
[ panting]
Oh, I'm all scuttled out.
What?
My planet's embassy?
They're paid to notkill me.
[ yelling angrily]
[ beep]
I thought I understood this world.
I thought I was fitting in.
But I guess I don't belong here any more than I do
on our crappy home planet.
Ooh, sorry.
What, sorry? Our planet stinks.
We all know it.
Enough with the persecution, I'm saying.
Zoidberg, as Ambassador
I promise you the full support
of our government, already.
Poor boy. You want maybe a nice mug cocoa?
Ambassador Moivin, you and your staff are so kind.
I am truly humbled.
What, no marshmallows?
[ crowd yelling angrily]
Let's storm the place!
Without my prior knowledge.
BENDER: Coming through, Freedom Train, step aside.
You, too, Fatso-- freedom!
Cool your jowls, Nixon.
You may not like it that Dr. Zoidberg desecrated a flag.
You may even find the image of it festering in his bowels
somehow offensive
but the right to freedom of expression
is guaranteed by the Earth Constitution.
[ growls]: Maybe so.
But I know a place where the Constitution doesn't mean squat.
The Supreme Court hereby accepts the case of Earth v. Zoidberg.
Sock it to 'em!
[ chanting]; Two, four, six, eight, eating the flag is bad.
Now, your noose knot has exactly seven twists.
♪ You can eat my dog ♪
♪ You can eat my truck ♪
♪ But you eat my flag, and you're out of luck ♪
♪ She's a-waving proud, around the world ♪
♪ From Dallas to Fort Worth ♪
♪ Let me say it again... ♪
[ horn blows]
ALL: ♪ Don't mess with Earth! ♪
They sure hate Dr. Zoidberg.
Posers. I was hating Zoidberg before it was cool.
Where are we ever going to find
a lawyer to take his case?
I'll ask the head of the ACLU--
once he's done singing.
♪ Don't mess with Earth ♪
Kill Zoidberg! Good night!
MAN: Howdy there.
I'm a lawyer, and I'd like
to help your friend out of this pickle.
Who are you, old man?
Name's Old Man Waterfall
but most folks just call me "Old Man."
I'll never remember that.
I'm a veteran of three dozen wars.
Name a body part and a planet
and I've taken a bullet in it, on it
all to keep our flag flyin' free.
And youwant to defend Zoidberg?
Are you familiar with the old robot saying
[ monotone]: "Does not compute"?
Son, to me, a robot's just a garbage can
with sparks coming out of it.
The sparks keep me warm.
I don't condone what Dr. Zoidberg did
but I'll fight tooth and nail for his freedom to do it.
Or, I would, if I hadn't lost my teeth and nails
on Mars and Saturn, respectively.
Wait, y-you're a lawyer? You're hired!
You okay there in the Embassy, Zoidberg?
No. There's no cocoa marshmallows.
And every night, the rats eat a little more of my foot.
Oyez, oyez, oyez.
All rise for the Honorable Chief Justice Myrtle Fu
and the Associate Justices.
[ metallic squeaks]
Counsel, you may address the court on behalf of Earth
if you're ready.
I was hatched ready.
Honorable Judgeheads, yonder crawdad done et up our flag.
I was doing freedom of speech: Earth's most sacred right.
Your Honor, freedom of speech
applies to what comes out of a mouth
not what goes in.
Can Counsel cite precedent?
Uh, yes, darlin', I can.
In State of Alabama vs. Giant Space Iguana
chewing the corners off the Constitution
was deemed nonprotected speech.
He shut you up, O'Connor.
[ chuckles]
CHIEF JUSTICE FU: Mr. Waterfall
you may now present arguments on behalf of Dr. Zoidberg.
Oh, God, I'm nervous.
Two of my three hearts are having attacks.
[ laughs]
Court's kind of fun when it's not my ass on the line.
Nachos?
Oh, Land O' Goshen.
Your Honors, I'm not some slick, big-city lawyer
like my opponent here...
[ clucking]
...but I am a veteran who has fought for his planet.
You see this hand of mine?
Yes, I do.
No, you don't, 'cause I lost me real hand
planting the flag when we took back Haley's Comet.
Yet it was worth it-- so much do I love that flag.
Aw...[ sniffling]
I love it even more than I love my seven wives.
That's right, I'm a polygamist.
[ all booing]
Yet I would gladly eat a flag myself--
had I not used my intestine as a rope
to hoist a flag made of my own skin--
if it would protect the freedoms of the proud people
who salute that flag.
[ cheering]
Freedoms such as polygamy.
[ booing]
I rest my case.
[ clunking]
Whoa, geez.
The Justices and I will now confer
using high-speed telepathy.
[ electrical buzzing]
[ electrical buzzing continues]
[ electrical buzzing stops]
By a vote of six to three, we find that flag-eating
is notprotected by the Constitution.
[ all gasping]
Six to three? I beat the spread.
The court orders an immediate public apology.
Apology accepted.
Just don't let it happen again.
She means you, you turkey of the sea.
Me, apologize? Never!
I came to this planet to learn the meaning of freedom!
But I say it's you who should get a nice lesson!
So, do your worst, because no punishment could be bigger
than denying me my freedom!
You are hereby sentenced to death.
Wait, let me finish!
[ shocked murmuring]
Also, in a rare double-whammy decision
the court finds polygamy constitutional.
[ booing]
I can't wait to tell my husband.
[ louder booing]
ZAPP BRANNIGAN: Remember, men
take him alive, so there's something left to kill.
[ pounding]
Stay back!
This Embassy is sovereign mud of the mud planet Decapod 10.
Invading these mud premises is an act of war!
Yeah? Well, what are you going to do about it, shrimpy?
You want to see, Mr. Bigshot?
Attack Earth!
Yes, I know it's a shlep-- just do it!
[ engines roaring]
Haha! Now the rubber band's on the other claw!
[ terrified screaming]
Ready? Retreat!
[ people screaming]
[ claws snipping]
[ screaming]
[ screaming and yelling]
WOMAN: Shh!
[ people screaming softly and whimpering]
DR. ZOIDBERG: Deny my freedom, will you?
Well, we'll do to you
what we did to the Squash Men of the Squash Planet--
squish them!
[ chuckling]
Charleston Chew?
You bet.
[ heroic music plays]
ZAPP: All right, Kif
let's show these freaks
what a bloated, runaway military budget can do.
Bring me the activation codes for our global defense network.
Aye, aye, sir.
[ grunting]
[ electronic beeps]
Commence lip identification scan.
Mmm, mmm, mm.
No tongue.
[ electronic beeps]
[ bell tone]
[ hissing]
[ kissing]: Mmm...
We can't be too careful with these codes.
Rumor has it, a double agent
may be aboard this very ship.
I'm watching you.
You, Ensign, what's your name?
Hugh Mann, sir.
Hugh Mann.
Now, that's a name I can trust.
Run down to the central battle computer
and enter these codes, chop-chop.
KIF: Uh, sir, there's something about that Ensign...
ZAPP: You're damn right there is.
That strapping young lad's gunning for your job
and he just might get it.
[ sighs]
[ rumbling]
The enemy approacheth.
Lieutenant, fire missile one
and recommend me for another medal.
Make it gaudy-- I'm going clubbing later.
[ beeping]
Ticktock.
Sir, all planetary defenses have been disabled.
Perhaps the Decapodians acquired our secret codes.
Somehow.
Well, Kif, stand by to take the blame.
Steady... steady...
Now!
[ Zapp and Kif screaming]
[ explosion]
Dr. Zoidberg
how can you claim to love freedom
and then enslave all of Earth?
Bah! Your planet doesn't deserve freedom
until it learns what it is to not have freedom.
It's a lesson, I say.
Ow!
What the hell is this dirt pile we're building, anyhow?
None of your beeswax, slave.
You'll find out soon enough.
Just focus on globbing that mud.
Glob!
[ grunting and panting]
I'm not good at being a slave.
I'm thinking about graduate school.
You know, to become a barber.
This can't go on.
Today is the day we fight back!
It's already 10:00.
Oh, you're right.
Tomorrow is the day
we fight back.
Yeah? Well, good luck, sister.
All our modern technology is useless.
I know Iam.
[ snoring]
Hey, wait.
I'm having one of those things.
You know, a headache with pictures.
An idea?
[ grunts]
Back in my day
we didn't have your fancy all-digital weapons
but we still managed to kill each other just fine.
Ah, the crossbow.
A pitiless, elegant killing machine.
The Bender of the 15th century.
Not big enough.
We need something that can take out an entire army.
Something you could commit a war crime with...
[ gasps]
[ oohing and ahhing]
[ clonk]
Ow.
[ warships whooshing]
Earth's slaves, behold the fruit of your labors:
The Mobile Oppression Palace!
[ crowd gasping]
Neat.
I don't need to tell you that occupation forces are expensive.
But with the Mobile Oppression Palace
a few dignitaries can oppress your entire planet
for pennies a day.
[ chuckling]
Warships dismissed!
[ rumbling]
[ glass shattering]
Do your worst
you sea devils!
I'll make my stand with Ol' Freebie!
You can crush me, but you can't crush my spirit!
Ah! My spirit!
[ groaning]
Great-Grandpa, no!
Another victim of the manocentric male-ocracy.
Ambassador Moivin, you killed my lawyer.
You're welcome.
He defended my freedom when no one else would.
He was a good and honorable man.
I request a satanic funeral.
[ crowd booing]
Is it possible that all this slavery and oppression
is shmutzing up our freedom lesson?
Oh, take a pill, Zoidberg.
Begin again with the crushing!
[ screaming]
[ raucous clanging]
You haven't won yet, Moivin.
You didn't expect us to even go to a museum
much less steal this ancient heat-seeking missile.
I don't even know you.
[ electronic beep]
[ horrified gasps]
Oh, it's going to make such a mess.
[ all sighing with relief]
This is your secret plan?
Meh!
Heat-seeking missiles are useless
against the Mobile Oppression Palace.
All Decapodian technology is cold-blooded, like us.
[ claws clacking]
[ crowd screaming]
All eyes on Zoidberg!
[ pop]
Eww!
Hey, I need that to smoke!
[ gasping]
Zoidberg, how could you?!
I used to think you were cool.
Wait, people of Earth, listen.
Yes, I'm desecrating a flag
but to preserve the freedom it represents.
[ beeping]
[ screaming]
[ explosion]
[ ecstatic cheers]
Zoidberg, you set us free!
I feel like I could stand to hug you.
I can't, but you know what I'm trying to say.
CROWD [ chanting]: Zoidberg! Zoidberg! Zoidberg!
Ah, if only they appreciated freedom this much
on my home planet.
Wait a second-- they do!
Because this ismy home planet.
NIXON: And now, to raise this beautiful new flag
a red lobster that won't ruin your dinner
Dr. John Zoidberg!
You're a nice man, Nixon.
Dr. Zoidberg, how's about you take a bite
of the flag for tomorrow's papers?
Oh, I couldn't.
No, no, go ahead.
You've earned it.
Well, maybe just a taste.
Mmm...
Now, that's a grand old flag!
[ cheering wildly]
I wonder what the Shroud of Turin tastes like.
Man: Freedom.