♪ dramatic music playing ♪
♪ theme playing ♪
♪
- I'm surprised you didn't call in sick this morning, Fry.
Isn't it a special day?
- No, just my birthday.
All I want is to enjoy the quiet desolation of space
for a few peaceful hours.
ALL: Surprise! [party favor blowing]
- Uh, 'kay. This really wasn't--
- Happys birthdays! - Happy whatchacallit!
- Surprise! - Surprise!
[dribbling] - Happy B-day, Fry.
- Jeez. How many people did you invite?
- Only a few. Less than 40.
MORE GUESTS: Surprise!
[floor squeaks] - Surprise, sailor.
- [sighs] Thanks, everyone.
- What's the matter, Fry?
You look sick and so darn blue.
- Chicken cordon bleu!? B'kaw!
- I don't wanna talk about it. [sniffles]
[sighs, sniffles]
[megaphone feedback] - Attention, party people.
We got a code 99. Birthday boy unresponsive.
- We need backup.
So, I'ma turn the music back up. [clicking, whirring]
♪ disco music playing ♪
[cheering]
- Hey! Please, just--
[cheering]
[ship creaking, crashes] [alarm blaring]
- Emergency! All butts to battle cushions!
[engines straining]
We're being pulled off-course
by some huge gravitational force!
A black hole!
♪ dramatic sting ♪
- Scruffy begs to differ.
I see it as more of a gray-brown,
or perhaps toasted umber.
- Impact in three!
I mean, one!
[all screaming]
[ship creaks] [all groaning]
- Is everybody okay? 'Cause I'm not.
[wind blowing]
- Coming out! [clanging]
Ow! [spitting]
[fizzling, whirring]
♪ eerie music playing ♪
- We heard a girlish scream. Are you okay?
- Did anyone else see that?
- No. I was busy making a tourniquet
out of my tiny, tiny shirt.
- What kind of hellhole has Leela brought us to this time?
- A barren wasteland devoid of life.
Like Fire Island after Labor Day.
There's literally nothing here.
Except that tasteless suburban teardown.
♪
- [gasps] That's the tasteless suburban teardown I grew up in!
[door opens, creaks]
Whoa, weird.
I was just repressing a memory of this.
It's set up exactly like my 8th birthday party.
The theme was Game Night Afternoon.
♪ mystical music playing ♪
- What's wrong, son?
Worried about our boys in Grenada?
- No. It's just I-I'm not very good at games, Dad.
I don't wanna lose on my birthday.
- Oh, don't worry.
Not everything in life is about winning.
But most things are. Almost everything.
[knocking]
FRIENDS: Whoa! Happy birthday!
- Here's Josh Gedgie!
High five, best bud!
- Oh! So close!
[both laughing]
♪
I can't believe it. Everything is exactly how it was,
right down to the two-liter bottle of Dr. Peeper.
- What kind of weirdos would go to the trouble
of recreating a low-budget store brand birthday party?
- It was we! [whirring]
[all gasp]
- He meant us. It was us!
- I don't know. I thought "we" sounded better.
- Look, never mind the grammar.
How did you big-heads get my old house here?
- I'ds likes to hears about the grammars.
- Recreating Fry's house was mere child's play,
thanks to the power of our machine. Behold!
♪ dramatic sting ♪
It scours the minds of visitors
for powerful memories of conflict.
- And recreates those conflicts
in every detail!
- Today, we shall reenact
Philip J. Fry's 8th birthday party,
including all the thrilling children's games he played!
- I do enjoy Twister.
- No Twister! You wouldn't believe what the mean kids used to twist.
- Then, we shall begin with the classic
yet copyright-free game
Barrel of Primates!
♪ mystical music playing ♪
- Who's ready to link monkey parts?
KIDS: I am! Me!
- They call me Monkey Breath for a reason.
- Longest chain wins.
Players, start your chains!
[plastic clattering]
♪ tense music playing ♪
- You shall play as two traditional teams
of 17!
- Only instead of boring plastic pieces,
you shall be the primates.
♪ dramatic sting ♪
Kindly enter the barrels when ready. [beep]
[hissing, whirring] [yelling]
- I'm ready now. [snorts]
- Let the game begin!
- Uh, okay.
We should probably obey the heads.
- [giggling] This is kind of fun.
- Dang. You must work out a lot.
- I'm a leg. Every day is leg day.
♪ mysterious music playing ♪
[pained groaning, murmuring]
- I don't remember this being so hard when I was 8. Oh...
[groaning continues]
- Did we mention there's a twist?
- I knew you were twist guys! [beep, hiss]
♪ dramatic music playing ♪
- Oh, great. A pool of acid?
- No. We're not monsters!
- It's actually a highly alkaline liquid.
That's the twist!
It'll dissolve you twice as fast as acid!
- But I have a fear of dissolving!
How do we get down from here?
- By falling, of course.
[all gasp]
For in another twist,
these party games shall be...
to the death!
♪ dramatic sting ♪
MRS. WONG: Although we kinda guessed that from the bones.
♪ light music playing ♪
- Ooh, and it's a real barn-burner!
Phil's the sentimental favorite,
but the smart money's on four-eyes.
- The name's Gedgie, and it may look close,
but I've got the Gedge.
[kids gasp] - Fry's still in it!
Ah-choo!
- Look at him hook!
- Impressive, but my superior dexterity will--
[stammering] Aah!
[crash]
- I... w-won at something?
I hope my grandma's proud of me down in Hell.
- [sighs] Nice job, Phil,
but I'll Gedge you next time. [laughs]
- [giggling] That never gets old.
♪ dramatic music playing ♪
[all groaning, wailing]
- I say, I say, I don't know how much longer
these old hollow bird bones can hold out.
- Why did you monsters dream this up?
And are the streaming rights available?
- Our motivations are three.
Mine is to gain knowledge
by making people crash on our planet
and subjecting them to bizarre experiments!
- As for me, I don't have any motivations.
- And I have two motivations!
Gambling, and making these cool masks.
Let the gambling begin!
- Fifty quids on the red team.
- A hundred quids on blue!
- [gasps] Listen up, people!
If we're going to survive, we all need to work together!
- Or we can shake the other team's bar
and make those losers fall first!
- I vote for the shaking thing.
[blue team groaning] [Bender laughing]
[wailing, yelling]
- Cut it out, Bender! Cheating is against the rules!
- There are no rules.
Oh wait. Here are the rules.
It just says, "Fun for ages 3 to 99."
- No wonder I'm not enjoying it!
- Now, hold on a minute.
According to the laws of calculus,
we might just be able to link chains
to form a stable structure known as a catenary.
[crack] [yelps]
Damn! My dribbling and differentiating arm!
[blue team screaming]
[splashing]
- Ah!
- Is okay. Is only water. Just as I foresaw.
[sizzling] Oh. Oh, wait.
[yelping]
♪ Squid Game -esque vocalizing ♪
[all gasping, murmuring]
[Amy crying]
- That game was not fun!
- Congratulations to the red team!
I'm sure you'll all want to celebrate with some birthday cake.
[Leela crying]
- My parents and my grandmother a-are dead!
[sobbing]
- I'm so sorry for your loss, Leela.
Can I have their cake?
♪ dramatic music playing ♪
- Where'd you get the snazzy candles?
- Our machine made them!
- Oh, right, right.
GAMESTER 1: The next game is a simple one.
Fry must blow out all the candles
in a single breath.
- I can do that.
- But, there's a twist.
- I like a good twist. That's what keeps the audience watching.
- For each candle Fry doesn't blow out,
the corresponding player will die!
- W-Wait, what, what, what?
- Don't worry, guys. I'm actually, like, really good at this.
[deep inhale]
♪ mystical music playing ♪
[deep inhale continues]
- [scoffs] That's a lot of candles, old man.
You'll never do it.
[inhales, blows]
♪
[blowing]
♪ dramatic sting ♪
[grunting]
[panting] [kids cheer]
- Good going, brother!
[blowing]
- Come on, gas bag! Blow your face off!
- No fair! I got about 12 wicks!
- Uh... look!
He's still blowing somehow!
It's going out! [snip]
[fire roaring] [Zoidberg whooping]
[all gasp]
♪
My only regret is not getting any cake!
♪ Pop Goes the Weasel playing ♪
[cranking]
[creaking]
♪ mystical music playing ♪
- And the winner
of the Tri-State Musical Chairs Championship
is Philip J. Fry!
Yay!
♪ Pop Goes the Weasel continues ♪
- [groans] It's been six hours.
Can't you at least play something a little catchier?
- No. We have one song, and we really like it.
[creaking]
♪ song stops ♪
- Oh, breadcrumbs.
- Nobody panic! Two to a seat!
- You heard her! Start panicking! Ah!
[all yelling]
- Oh! Oh! [grunts]
[muttering]
[squishing]
- Ow! Mom!
♪ Squid Game -esque vocalizing ♪
- Ah! B'kaw!
[nervous murmuring]
[weasel snarling]
[roars]
[screaming]
[slurps]
[belches]
[growls]
[whimpering, shivering]
- Who likes piñatas?
♪ mystical music playing ♪
[groaning, yelps] [body thuds]
- Good try, Bartholomew.
- No, it wasn't.
[grunting]
- [scoffs] That's impossible.
It'd take all three Hulks to break that.
Incredible, She, and Hogan.
[grunting]
♪
- That's the first time I ever swung a bat and hit something!
♪ tense music playing ♪
[beep] [whirring]
GAMESTER 2: Since no one likes candy,
we have filled our piñata with quids!
- I like candy.
[groans]
- [wails] My husband is dead!
I can't go on!
- Okay. [beep]
[bones crunch] [grunts]
- That wasn't candy.
- I didn't realize you were still alive.
[twang]
- Less yakking, more whacking!
[sticks clacking] [all grunting]
PROFESSOR: Oh! Ow... [thuds]
- Guys, I'm good at this.
The secret is backswing... - Ouch!
- ...and follow-through.
[squishing]
Whoop. Sorry.
♪ triumphant music playing ♪
- I'm rich! Finally, I can give up limbo
and start a professional sex league.
[thud] [elephant trumpets]
[grunts] Ah, hey, mon!
- Oh no! My side piece!
[elephant trumpets]
♪
- And now for the penultimate game!
- And then it will be over? Th-This is the last game?
- Penultimate means next to last.
You lose the vocabulary game! [beep]
♪
[Kif grunts]
- Kiffy! No!
[sobbing]
- This fiendish game will be a treasure hunt
for these orbs of horsehide!
- Blernsballs? - No, baseballs.
My mom had balls signed
by her favorite members of the 1962 Mets.
She hid them all over the house, and we had to find them.
- There are seven of you,
but only four hidden baseballs!
That's all we had. And the machine can't make baseballs.
It's not magic, for God's sake.
- Let the hunt begin!
♪ mystical music playing ♪
- [gasps] I found a baseball in the moldy tangerines!
Ah-choo! Ah-choo!
- One ball left, kids!
And it's the grand prize,
signed by Choo-Choo Coleman himself.
- It's as good as Gedgie's.
♪ mysterious music playing ♪
[cabinet creaks]
Don't bother. I already checked the fridge.
- Yeah, but things get lost in there.
Just last night, we had bicentennial meatloaf.
Red, white, and green. [jars rattle]
♪
A-ha!
- Way to go, Phil! - That's my boy!
- B-B-But, I searched every inch of that fridge.
Fry must be cheating!
- That would explain why he's winning everything.
- I am not a cheater! I'm not!
♪ melancholy music playing ♪
[cabinets creak] [Bender whirring]
♪ tense music playing ♪
- Come on, Fry. This was your house.
Please tell me where the baseballs are.
- You want me to cheat?
I can't do that, Leela.
I am not a cheater. I'm not.
- Ooh, lookie-see what I found in the crawlspace!
Signed by both Bob Millers.
- [gasps] There's only one left!
Please, Fry!
I know you don't wanna cheat, but it's me. Leela!
The woman you occasionally say you love.
- I always love you, Leela,
but there are two things I just can't do.
Almost anything, and cheat.
♪ melancholy music playing ♪
- You're right.
You're sticking to your principles. [sniffles]
I'm proud of you.
[wailing, sobbing]
- I've never cheated in my life. Never.
But I'll do it. This once.
- Well, he cheated. You win that bet.
- Time to celebrate with a new mask!
[Fry sniffles]
- Please remember me as a guy who never,
ever cheated. Until now.
- As the last orb has been found, the hunt is over.
Winners, step forward.
You're not the winners. Who said you were the winners?
- I forgot to mention the winners are the ones
who don't find the baseballs!
That's on me, guys. [beep]
[fizzling] [wailing, sobbing]
- Ooh. That was some impressive reverse cheating, Fry.
- For the last time, I'm not a cheater.
Just shut up, Gedgie. I-I mean, Bendy.
- [gasps] How dare you mangle my blessed name!
- Whoa, whoa! Save it for the finale.
A game which will be played... to the death!
♪ dramatic sting ♪
- They were all to the death!
♪ dramatic music playing ♪
- The final game shall be a test
of raw physical prowess!
Prepare yourselves
for a brutal, no-holds-barred match of... [beep]
Pin the Tail on the Donkey!
- Aw, he's a cute little whatchacallit.
[roaring, snarling]
Donkey. [growls]
- The beast is clad in armor,
save for this tiny area on its rear.
- It is the donkey's Achilles butt.
All its vital organs are clustered there.
- Just like me! [clanging]
GAMESTER 1: Simply pin the tail on the butt
to slay the donkey and claim victory.
- I'm shivering with excitement
because this game involves...
masks! [beep]
♪ mystical music playing ♪
- Phil, Semitic kid, it's down to you two.
- Yes! - Go, Gedgie!
- Woo-hoo!
- Yes! Everything's coming up Gedgie.
Beat that, REO Cheatwagon.
♪ mysterious music playing ♪
- [whispers] How's this for cheating?
♪ dramatic music playing ♪
[kids yelling]
[stab] - Oh, well. I guess you can't win 'em...
♪ dramatic sting ♪
...all? - Look at my boy!
You stabbed that donkey like a professional donkey stabber!
- I'm so proud of you.
We'll go get your presents, so you can open them.
- Aw! - This party sucks!
- Told you Fry was a cheater.
- Happy birthday, Fry.
I hope you had fun cheating 'cause nobody else did!
♪ melancholy music playing ♪
[door creaks, slams]
[crying]
- But I didn't cheat!
- I lost a best friend a long time ago 'cause he thought I was cheating,
and I'm not gonna let it happen again.
- I don't wanna lose you either, Fry.
- So I'm gonna prove I'm not cheating.
Gouge out my eyes! - Good idea!
- Fry's suggestion is beyond horrific.
Therefore, we shall do it! - But, to make the game fair,
we shall remove the eyes of all the players!
- Wait, hold on. What, what? - Fear not.
Our machine can remove eyes painlessly.
[click, squishing]
[Fry screaming]
Oops! Sorry. I stepped on your foot.
- It's okay. I'm fine. [click, whirring]
- Let the animal abuse begin!
[roaring, snarling]
- Alright, you monster whosit.
I'm gonna stick this doohickey where the dealy don't whatsit.
[snarls, gulps]
[roaring]
- I'm sorry I called you a cheater, buddy.
- [sniffles] Thanks, Bender.
What do you say we team up and go out fighting?
- I say, aw yeah, baby!
Friends to the end!
[both yelling]
[Bender yelps]
My vital ass organs!
You are a cheater!
[grunting, gagging]
♪
- Bender? Bender?!
- Congratulations, Philip J. Fry.
You are the winner!
- Return his eyes that he might gaze upon
the horror he has wrought!
And the confetti. [beep]
[party horns blowing]
♪ melancholy music playing ♪
[crying]
[Donkey gagging]
[Fry grunting]
[roars]
- Well, that's that. I gotta get to church.
- The games are now complete.
The winner is... her. Whoever she is.
We thank the players for their efforts. [beep]
[all gasping, murmuring]
- How the shmeck are we alive?
- The machine can easily bring people back to life.
Did I not mention that either?
- Farewell!
♪
- Well, that was the second worst birthday party I ever had.
All I ever wanted was for people to believe I'm not a cheater.
- We believe you, Fry.
- Yeah, seeing as how that old lady killed you so easy.
- He went down like a sack of shoes.
- I sure did. Thank you, everybody.
- Group hug. Come on! Group hug!
♪ mystical music playing ♪
♪ melancholy music playing ♪
[cabinet creaks]
- Eh, you really think a games party is a good idea?
I mean, Phil's not much of a competitor.
- Yeah, I know. He still can't work a zipper.
But, he's my son, and I love him,
and I wanna give him a birthday
that'll leave him feeling like a winner for once.
♪ Ur Mum by Wet Leg playing ♪
[blowing]
♪
[record scratch]
♪
♪ Mm, mm, mm ♪
- ♪ I feel so dumb, dumb, dumb ♪
♪ Mm, mm ♪
♪ music fades ♪
♪ When I think about what you've become ♪
♪ I feel sorry for your mum ♪
♪ You say we're all having fun ♪
♪ Do you know you're the only one? ♪
♪ Dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb ♪
♪ Mm, mm, mm ♪
♪ song fades ♪
♪