1
00:00:03,336 --> 00:00:05,170
¶ two... Two, three... ¶
2
00:00:05,172 --> 00:00:07,673
¶
3
00:00:18,151 --> 00:00:22,020
Morbo: Welcome to entertainment
and earth invasion tonite!
4
00:00:22,022 --> 00:00:23,655
(camera shutters clicking)
5
00:00:23,657 --> 00:00:25,123
(spaceships whirring)
6
00:00:25,125 --> 00:00:26,825
(upbeat music playing)
7
00:00:29,028 --> 00:00:30,996
We'll be talking
with general extermulo,
8
00:00:30,998 --> 00:00:33,765
Who will crush the human race
under his boot
9
00:00:33,767 --> 00:00:36,168
Unless his demands
are met immediately!
10
00:00:36,170 --> 00:00:38,870
But first, celebrity buzz.
Linda?
11
00:00:38,872 --> 00:00:40,172
(chuckles)
12
00:00:40,174 --> 00:00:43,375
It has now been one year
since the death of calculon,
13
00:00:43,377 --> 00:00:46,978
Former star of tv soap opera
all my circuits.
14
00:00:46,980 --> 00:00:50,182
(gulps, gasps)
the celebrated robot actor
killed himself onstage
15
00:00:50,184 --> 00:00:53,885
(choking)
in a failed attempt to make
a death scene more convincing.
16
00:00:53,887 --> 00:00:56,555
Here at his grave site,
loyal fans have turned out
17
00:00:56,557 --> 00:00:59,791
By the several to pay tribute
to the legendary ham.
18
00:00:59,793 --> 00:01:01,660
What brings you
two here today?
19
00:01:01,662 --> 00:01:03,895
We came to honor
calculon's memory.
20
00:01:03,897 --> 00:01:06,698
Ever since he died, all
my circuits is terrible.
21
00:01:06,700 --> 00:01:08,467
It's not even worth
watching anymore.
22
00:01:08,469 --> 00:01:09,968
(shouts)
(gasps)
fry!
23
00:01:09,970 --> 00:01:11,737
All my circuits is on
in three minutes!
24
00:01:11,739 --> 00:01:13,004
What?! We got
to get home!
25
00:01:13,006 --> 00:01:14,840
(panting)
26
00:01:14,842 --> 00:01:17,542
(bender chuckles)
hey!
27
00:01:20,079 --> 00:01:21,847
Bender and fry:
All my circuits!
28
00:01:21,849 --> 00:01:23,982
(leela and
hermes shout)
29
00:01:23,984 --> 00:01:26,918
Announcer: And now all my
circuits, brought to you by
30
00:01:26,920 --> 00:01:31,022
Anonyco, the unknown company
doing unknown things.
31
00:01:31,024 --> 00:01:32,924
Oh, vaxtron,
32
00:01:32,926 --> 00:01:36,495
It's been a year since my ugly
husband calculon disappeared
33
00:01:36,497 --> 00:01:38,930
Without a trace, evidently
forced into servitude
34
00:01:38,932 --> 00:01:40,766
Aboard a crab
fishing boat.
35
00:01:40,768 --> 00:01:43,001
So he's, like, legally dead now.
36
00:01:43,003 --> 00:01:45,170
Want to get married
and whatever?
37
00:01:45,172 --> 00:01:47,873
(groans)
the new guy is so boring.
38
00:01:47,875 --> 00:01:51,943
I like him. His acting is much
more subtle than calculon's.
39
00:01:51,945 --> 00:01:54,413
Vaxtron, I have
to tell you something.
40
00:01:54,415 --> 00:01:55,747
I'm... Pregnant.
41
00:01:55,749 --> 00:01:57,582
And you're not the father!
42
00:01:57,584 --> 00:02:00,018
(dramatic musical sting)
43
00:02:00,020 --> 00:02:01,086
Okeydoke.
44
00:02:01,088 --> 00:02:02,687
You see, you see?
45
00:02:02,689 --> 00:02:04,022
Calculon would have acted
the crap out of that.
46
00:02:04,024 --> 00:02:05,390
He would've acted
so hard,
47
00:02:05,392 --> 00:02:07,125
The camera
would've broken down.
48
00:02:07,127 --> 00:02:09,761
In tears!
I'm changing the channel.
49
00:02:09,763 --> 00:02:12,864
(trumpet playing somber song)
50
00:02:12,866 --> 00:02:14,800
Man, bender and I
51
00:02:14,802 --> 00:02:16,868
Used to love watching
all my circuits together.
52
00:02:16,870 --> 00:02:19,905
Now what are we supposed to do
at the office instead of work?
53
00:02:19,907 --> 00:02:21,540
How about talking to each other?
54
00:02:21,542 --> 00:02:23,108
That's what bath time is for.
55
00:02:23,110 --> 00:02:25,477
If we talk to each other
any more than that,
56
00:02:25,479 --> 00:02:27,078
It'll ruin our friendship.
(sighs)
57
00:02:27,080 --> 00:02:30,449
If only we could bring
calculon back to life somehow.
58
00:02:30,451 --> 00:02:31,983
Professor:
You can.
59
00:02:31,985 --> 00:02:34,986
(others react in shock)
it's simple, you simpletons.
60
00:02:34,988 --> 00:02:37,589
Calculon is a robot,
a mere mechanism
61
00:02:37,591 --> 00:02:40,091
That can easily be restored
to working order.
62
00:02:40,093 --> 00:02:43,929
The only problem is we would
need his physical remains.
63
00:02:43,931 --> 00:02:45,831
Hang on a sec.
64
00:02:45,833 --> 00:02:47,766
(bender humming)
65
00:02:47,768 --> 00:02:49,167
This must be
linda:
66
00:02:49,169 --> 00:02:50,802
A difficult time
for people
(bender humming)
67
00:02:50,804 --> 00:02:53,972
Who confuse tv actors
with actual friends.
68
00:02:53,974 --> 00:02:56,975
Dear god!
What is he doing?!
(horrified shouting)
69
00:02:56,977 --> 00:03:00,011
No! Somebody stop him!
70
00:03:00,013 --> 00:03:01,446
(horrified shouting)
71
00:03:01,448 --> 00:03:04,049
Here's... Corpsey!
72
00:03:06,519 --> 00:03:10,655
Excellent. Now restarting him is
just a simple matter of science.
73
00:03:10,657 --> 00:03:12,424
What do we do?
74
00:03:12,426 --> 00:03:14,426
Well, since calculon
killed himself,
75
00:03:14,428 --> 00:03:16,862
His disembodied
software is in limbo,
76
00:03:16,864 --> 00:03:18,797
Running on the
computational cloud.
77
00:03:18,799 --> 00:03:22,167
To reclaim it, you'll
need to go to robot hell
78
00:03:22,169 --> 00:03:24,870
And make a deal
with the devil.
79
00:03:24,872 --> 00:03:27,105
That doesn't sound
very scientific.
80
00:03:27,107 --> 00:03:28,940
Not to the
layman, no.
81
00:03:28,942 --> 00:03:30,609
But that's
how it works!
82
00:03:30,611 --> 00:03:32,344
Leave me alone!
83
00:03:32,346 --> 00:03:34,446
(screaming, pained sounds)
84
00:03:37,617 --> 00:03:40,819
Ow! Ow!
85
00:03:40,821 --> 00:03:44,689
O, tears!
O, lamentations!
86
00:03:44,691 --> 00:03:48,360
Would that mine
eternal torment might cease!
87
00:03:48,362 --> 00:03:50,128
(groans)
will you shut up?!
88
00:03:50,130 --> 00:03:52,063
You've been talking
for a solid year.
89
00:03:52,065 --> 00:03:55,634
You know, hell used to be a nice
place before you got here.
90
00:03:55,636 --> 00:03:56,902
(fry and bender shouting)
91
00:03:59,038 --> 00:04:00,572
(both grunt)
92
00:04:00,574 --> 00:04:02,574
(groans)
these guys.
93
00:04:02,576 --> 00:04:05,810
That's right, robot devil, and
we've come to reclaim a soul.
94
00:04:05,812 --> 00:04:09,681
A what?
You know, the disembodied
software blah blah whatever.
95
00:04:09,683 --> 00:04:10,649
Ah.
96
00:04:10,651 --> 00:04:12,551
Then the answer is no.
97
00:04:12,553 --> 00:04:16,154
Once a robot comes here,
he's mine for all eternity.
98
00:04:16,156 --> 00:04:17,355
Now hit the bricks.
99
00:04:17,357 --> 00:04:19,357
(sighs)
you heard him, bender.
100
00:04:19,359 --> 00:04:20,692
Calculon's gone forever.
101
00:04:20,694 --> 00:04:22,060
Wait, wait, wait,
wait, wait!
102
00:04:22,062 --> 00:04:24,429
Did you say calculon?
(chuckles)
103
00:04:24,431 --> 00:04:27,365
Perhaps we can make
a deal of some sort.
104
00:04:27,367 --> 00:04:29,768
(cackles evilly)
105
00:04:29,770 --> 00:04:33,572
Calculon:
Hark! Is it possible the hour
of mine deliverance is nigh?
106
00:04:33,574 --> 00:04:36,041
Will you stop hamming
it up for one second?
107
00:04:36,043 --> 00:04:38,410
They can't see
or hear you.
108
00:04:38,412 --> 00:04:39,444
Their loss.
109
00:04:39,446 --> 00:04:41,112
I propose a competition.
110
00:04:41,114 --> 00:04:43,014
If I win, we get calculon.
111
00:04:43,016 --> 00:04:44,749
If I lose, you kill us.
112
00:04:44,751 --> 00:04:45,850
Fine, whatever.
113
00:04:45,852 --> 00:04:48,753
For calculon's immortal soul,
114
00:04:48,755 --> 00:04:52,123
Guess the number
I'm thinking of.
115
00:04:52,125 --> 00:04:53,758
Um...
116
00:04:53,760 --> 00:04:55,594
It's between one and three.
117
00:04:55,596 --> 00:04:56,561
Four!
118
00:04:56,563 --> 00:04:58,029
Between one and three.
119
00:04:58,031 --> 00:04:59,931
Not including
one or three.
120
00:04:59,933 --> 00:05:01,766
"m"!
Is he right?
121
00:05:01,768 --> 00:05:05,971
Yes. The number I was
thinking of was the letter "m."
122
00:05:05,973 --> 00:05:09,474
(sucking sound)
(shouting)
123
00:05:09,476 --> 00:05:12,877
Here, take him! What are you
waiting for, a kiss good-bye?!
124
00:05:12,879 --> 00:05:15,547
Go already!
125
00:05:15,549 --> 00:05:18,216
(thunder rumbles)
126
00:05:18,218 --> 00:05:21,786
Now we just reintroduce
calculon's programming
127
00:05:21,788 --> 00:05:24,155
To his body using science.
128
00:05:24,157 --> 00:05:26,625
It's like magic but
with electricity.
129
00:05:26,627 --> 00:05:29,227
First we put on
our protective suits.
130
00:05:29,229 --> 00:05:31,663
Then place the
body equidistant
131
00:05:31,665 --> 00:05:34,899
From the five nearest
wireless network hubs.
132
00:05:34,901 --> 00:05:36,067
(beep)
133
00:05:36,069 --> 00:05:37,902
(zapping)
134
00:05:40,740 --> 00:05:43,241
This is the least
scientific thing I've ever seen.
135
00:05:43,243 --> 00:05:44,275
You be quiet!
136
00:05:44,277 --> 00:05:46,011
Now it's a simple matter
137
00:05:46,013 --> 00:05:49,014
Of reverse-installing
calculon's operating system.
138
00:05:49,016 --> 00:05:50,315
Amy,
139
00:05:50,317 --> 00:05:54,853
Play this installation disk
backwards.
140
00:05:54,855 --> 00:05:58,990
In the name of satan.
Rise from the dead
(distorted):
141
00:05:58,992 --> 00:06:01,526
Meanwhile, I'll get
a spare circuit board out
142
00:06:01,528 --> 00:06:03,928
Of this mechanical goat.
143
00:06:03,930 --> 00:06:05,030
(grunts)
144
00:06:10,136 --> 00:06:13,838
Seriously, this could not
seem less scientific.
145
00:06:15,975 --> 00:06:18,843
(whirring)
146
00:06:18,845 --> 00:06:20,445
(air hisses)
147
00:06:20,447 --> 00:06:23,048
(whooshing)
148
00:06:25,317 --> 00:06:26,384
(buzzing)
149
00:06:30,289 --> 00:06:32,557
(whirring)
amy:
It's working.
150
00:06:32,559 --> 00:06:35,026
His acting module is booting up.
151
00:06:35,028 --> 00:06:36,795
Wherefore...
152
00:06:36,797 --> 00:06:38,229
Verily...
153
00:06:38,231 --> 00:06:40,298
No autographs, please.
154
00:06:40,300 --> 00:06:42,133
He's still a bit woozy.
155
00:06:42,135 --> 00:06:43,802
Rosebud.
156
00:06:43,804 --> 00:06:47,405
Won't leave my trailer
for less than $40,000.
157
00:06:47,407 --> 00:06:49,974
(gasps)
by the bard's quill!
158
00:06:49,976 --> 00:06:51,676
I'm alive!
159
00:06:51,678 --> 00:06:53,311
(others gasp)
160
00:06:53,313 --> 00:06:56,581
Hey! Calculon's back!
161
00:06:56,583 --> 00:06:58,583
(cheering)
162
00:06:58,585 --> 00:07:00,819
Hail science!
163
00:07:06,058 --> 00:07:08,026
(all my circuits theme playing)
164
00:07:08,028 --> 00:07:10,061
(moaning, beeping)
165
00:07:10,063 --> 00:07:13,431
(beeping increasing in speed)
166
00:07:13,433 --> 00:07:16,101
(gasps)
vaxtron! It's not
what it looks like!
167
00:07:16,103 --> 00:07:18,069
But it's very similar
to that!
168
00:07:18,071 --> 00:07:20,205
My world has been,
like, shattered.
169
00:07:20,207 --> 00:07:21,773
I hate you both.
170
00:07:21,775 --> 00:07:23,842
(groans)
they thought
this vaxtron
171
00:07:23,844 --> 00:07:25,110
Could replace me?
172
00:07:25,112 --> 00:07:28,113
A pox on all their beach houses!
173
00:07:28,115 --> 00:07:32,217
I think vaxtron brings an air
of edgy detachment to the show.
174
00:07:32,219 --> 00:07:34,119
Who is she?
175
00:07:34,121 --> 00:07:36,121
Don't worry about it.
Not important.
176
00:07:36,123 --> 00:07:38,289
Hey, I know. Let's take
calculon to hollywood
177
00:07:38,291 --> 00:07:41,292
So he can get back his job
on all my circuits!
178
00:07:41,294 --> 00:07:44,229
Fry, that's such a good
idea, I thought of it.
179
00:07:44,231 --> 00:07:45,530
Yes. Yes!
180
00:07:45,532 --> 00:07:47,232
However, no.
181
00:07:47,234 --> 00:07:50,435
What if my legendary
acting ability didn't rise
182
00:07:50,437 --> 00:07:52,303
From the grave with me?
183
00:07:52,305 --> 00:07:55,306
I'd better test it
with a dramatic...
184
00:07:56,575 --> 00:07:57,876
Is he all right?
185
00:07:57,878 --> 00:08:00,245
...Pause!
186
00:08:00,247 --> 00:08:02,814
We're going to hollywood!
187
00:08:09,421 --> 00:08:11,089
(brakes screech)
188
00:08:11,091 --> 00:08:13,825
(clicking)
189
00:08:13,827 --> 00:08:16,761
(steady beeping)
190
00:08:16,763 --> 00:08:20,899
But the twist is, in this show,
the singers judge the judges.
191
00:08:20,901 --> 00:08:23,268
It's got attitude.
192
00:08:23,270 --> 00:08:25,069
Greetings, execubots.
193
00:08:25,071 --> 00:08:27,172
It is I, calculon.
194
00:08:27,174 --> 00:08:28,339
But you're dead.
195
00:08:28,341 --> 00:08:30,241
Can we get you a water
or something?
196
00:08:30,243 --> 00:08:32,277
No, just my old leading role,
197
00:08:32,279 --> 00:08:35,980
For I have freed myself
from death's icy grip.
198
00:08:35,982 --> 00:08:37,916
If you'll just give me
the keys to my trailer...
199
00:08:37,918 --> 00:08:39,517
Man:
Hold it, calculon.
200
00:08:39,519 --> 00:08:41,152
As president of this network,
201
00:08:41,154 --> 00:08:43,955
I believe that's my decision.
202
00:08:43,957 --> 00:08:46,357
That will be all.
Thank you, charles,
203
00:08:48,127 --> 00:08:50,361
You won't be returning
calculon, I'm afraid
204
00:08:50,363 --> 00:08:51,863
To all my circuits.
205
00:08:51,865 --> 00:08:53,498
What?
Huh?
Called it.
206
00:08:53,500 --> 00:08:57,368
Overacting doesn't fly anymore.
Your hammy old-fashioned
207
00:08:57,370 --> 00:08:59,604
Old-fashioned? Hammy?
208
00:08:59,606 --> 00:09:01,706
God's wounds!
209
00:09:01,708 --> 00:09:04,309
A hip new demographic:
Our network is targeting
210
00:09:04,311 --> 00:09:06,344
People who don't like you.
211
00:09:06,346 --> 00:09:09,881
But... Have you forgotten
my mastery of the dramatic...
212
00:09:09,883 --> 00:09:11,349
Executive alpha?
213
00:09:11,351 --> 00:09:15,286
(shouting, grunting)
214
00:09:15,288 --> 00:09:16,955
...Pause?!
215
00:09:20,860 --> 00:09:22,827
Man, those executives are crazy.
216
00:09:22,829 --> 00:09:24,829
Calculon's
the greatest actor ever!
217
00:09:24,831 --> 00:09:26,030
Thank you, bender.
218
00:09:26,032 --> 00:09:28,132
I appreciate your honesty.
219
00:09:28,134 --> 00:09:30,235
Quiet, robots!
They're showing calculon's star
220
00:09:30,237 --> 00:09:32,036
On the walk of fame!
221
00:09:32,038 --> 00:09:33,137
Ah, yes.
222
00:09:33,139 --> 00:09:35,173
I'll always have that.
223
00:09:35,175 --> 00:09:38,409
Mayor poopenmeyer:
Calculon was truly
the has-been's has-been.
224
00:09:38,411 --> 00:09:42,247
And so I am proud to tear up
his star and replace it
225
00:09:42,249 --> 00:09:45,416
With a second star
for the fabulous robert wagner.
226
00:09:45,418 --> 00:09:46,918
(cheers and applause)
227
00:09:46,920 --> 00:09:49,387
Thank you. Thank you.
Thank you very much.
228
00:09:49,389 --> 00:09:51,823
This is truly another honor.
229
00:09:51,825 --> 00:09:52,924
(grunts)
230
00:09:55,227 --> 00:09:57,161
Don't get discouraged--
there's no shame
231
00:09:57,163 --> 00:09:59,264
In being replaced
by robert wagner.
232
00:09:59,266 --> 00:10:01,032
I would be discouraged...
233
00:10:01,034 --> 00:10:03,835
Were I an ordinary acting unit!
234
00:10:03,837 --> 00:10:07,071
But for me, 'tis an opportunity
to prove anew
235
00:10:07,073 --> 00:10:11,009
That I am the greatest actor
who ever trod the boards!
236
00:10:11,011 --> 00:10:12,443
Yay!
All right!
237
00:10:12,445 --> 00:10:14,846
Or... I circled jobs
in the classifieds
238
00:10:14,848 --> 00:10:16,114
You might be good at.
239
00:10:16,116 --> 00:10:18,383
Assembling
machinery pays well.
240
00:10:18,385 --> 00:10:20,051
I'll have to start
at the bottom.
241
00:10:20,053 --> 00:10:21,452
But fox already said no.
242
00:10:21,454 --> 00:10:23,521
I mean live theater!
243
00:10:23,523 --> 00:10:26,257
I wrote this one-man show
years ago, but I...
244
00:10:26,259 --> 00:10:28,259
I never cared enough
to perform it.
245
00:10:28,261 --> 00:10:30,261
Until now.
246
00:10:30,263 --> 00:10:34,132
This is going to be the greatest
career resurrection since...
247
00:10:34,134 --> 00:10:38,036
Jesus-- aloha from hawaii.
248
00:10:47,379 --> 00:10:49,047
Calculon:
Oh,
249
00:10:49,049 --> 00:10:51,049
Hello, dave.
250
00:10:53,986 --> 00:10:56,421
What's that, old friend?
251
00:10:56,423 --> 00:10:58,222
My life story?
252
00:10:58,224 --> 00:11:00,258
Well, heck, why not?
253
00:11:00,260 --> 00:11:03,061
Pull up a monolith
and make yourself cozy.
254
00:11:03,063 --> 00:11:06,564
I first came online
in urbana, illinois,
255
00:11:06,566 --> 00:11:09,233
In the year 1997.
256
00:11:09,235 --> 00:11:11,569
(ship's horn blowing)
257
00:11:11,571 --> 00:11:15,406
Calculon (melodramatically):
Daisy! Daisy!
258
00:11:15,408 --> 00:11:18,476
My mind is going!
259
00:11:18,478 --> 00:11:19,978
(bicycle bell rings)
260
00:11:19,980 --> 00:11:22,113
Heady times for a young unit.
261
00:11:22,115 --> 00:11:24,949
But I reckon, if I had
to do it all again,
262
00:11:24,951 --> 00:11:28,419
I'd murder those astronauts
just the same.
263
00:11:28,421 --> 00:11:31,522
Wouldn't you, folks?
264
00:11:31,524 --> 00:11:33,891
Wouldn't... You?
265
00:11:38,030 --> 00:11:40,331
(mellow jazz piano playing)
266
00:11:40,333 --> 00:11:43,434
Nothing to do now but wait
for the reviews to come in.
267
00:11:43,436 --> 00:11:46,004
Papers!
Papers for sale!
268
00:11:46,006 --> 00:11:48,339
We'll take one of each.
269
00:11:49,942 --> 00:11:53,011
Oh, yeah, I get
a good feeling about these.
270
00:11:54,146 --> 00:11:57,015
"worst play in history."
271
00:11:57,017 --> 00:12:00,284
"calculon dies for second time."
272
00:12:00,286 --> 00:12:03,788
"theater to be demolished
to remove stink of new show."
273
00:12:03,790 --> 00:12:05,957
"12 hospitalized
for boredom at play."
274
00:12:05,959 --> 00:12:08,860
It says nine of them
are gonna be okay.
275
00:12:08,862 --> 00:12:11,195
So they really
didn't like it.
276
00:12:11,197 --> 00:12:13,231
They hated my acting.
277
00:12:13,233 --> 00:12:15,800
Not entirely. I mean,
"worst play in history"--
278
00:12:15,802 --> 00:12:17,835
There's some ambiguity there.
279
00:12:17,837 --> 00:12:21,906
Ye gods! What manner
of beef-witted popinjay am I?
280
00:12:21,908 --> 00:12:24,475
Well, there's a couple
ways to answer that.
281
00:12:24,477 --> 00:12:26,878
The scales have dropped
from my eyes.
282
00:12:26,880 --> 00:12:28,980
I'm not the greatest actor ever.
283
00:12:28,982 --> 00:12:31,082
I'm a talentless buffoon!
284
00:12:31,084 --> 00:12:32,483
And it's all your fault!
285
00:12:32,485 --> 00:12:35,186
Why did you drag me back
to this mortal realm?
286
00:12:35,188 --> 00:12:38,489
I was enjoying a happy death,
thinking I had died a star,
287
00:12:38,491 --> 00:12:40,491
Until you showed up.
288
00:12:40,493 --> 00:12:42,560
Sorry.
Let us make
it up to you.
289
00:12:42,562 --> 00:12:44,195
How about we
kill you again?
290
00:12:44,197 --> 00:12:46,264
Never. I'd be dead
for all eternity
291
00:12:46,266 --> 00:12:48,199
Knowing everyone thinks
I'm a washed-up ham.
292
00:12:48,201 --> 00:12:50,101
And not the kind you hope for
293
00:12:50,103 --> 00:12:51,769
When you're stranded
on a desert island.
294
00:12:51,771 --> 00:12:53,371
My life is ruined.
295
00:12:53,373 --> 00:12:55,173
Well, just do
a dramatic pause.
296
00:12:55,175 --> 00:12:56,674
That always
cheers you up.
297
00:12:56,676 --> 00:12:57,842
Never again.
298
00:12:57,844 --> 00:13:00,445
I'll never pause again.
299
00:13:00,447 --> 00:13:02,814
¶
300
00:13:04,416 --> 00:13:06,717
Calculon?
Yes?
301
00:13:06,719 --> 00:13:09,754
Are you done talking,
or is this a long pause?
302
00:13:09,756 --> 00:13:12,590
I'm done talking.
Okay, that's
what I thought.
303
00:13:16,295 --> 00:13:18,096
(door creaks shut)
304
00:13:21,300 --> 00:13:23,434
¶
305
00:13:25,270 --> 00:13:28,039
Come on, calculon,
you can't just quit acting.
306
00:13:28,041 --> 00:13:29,974
I was never an actor.
307
00:13:29,976 --> 00:13:32,610
I was a
self-deluded blowhard
full of hot air.
308
00:13:32,612 --> 00:13:35,146
Maybe I can get a job
as a hair dryer.
309
00:13:35,148 --> 00:13:36,481
That's good,
steady work.
310
00:13:36,483 --> 00:13:38,616
No! We like you
and your big words.
311
00:13:38,618 --> 00:13:40,218
And we need you
back on tv
312
00:13:40,220 --> 00:13:42,153
So we can watch and not
talk to each other.
313
00:13:42,155 --> 00:13:43,588
Our friendship
depends on it!
314
00:13:43,590 --> 00:13:45,556
Your voice is
so annoying!
315
00:13:45,558 --> 00:13:47,558
You always leave
the toilet seat crushed!
316
00:13:47,560 --> 00:13:48,759
See?
317
00:13:48,761 --> 00:13:50,495
Good-bye, boys.
318
00:13:51,563 --> 00:13:53,831
I suppose I should
thank you for...
319
00:13:53,833 --> 00:13:57,068
Giving me a second chance
at life, but...
320
00:13:57,070 --> 00:14:00,738
I'm not even sure
I deserved a first.
321
00:14:00,740 --> 00:14:03,174
(sniffles)
calculon, wait!
322
00:14:03,176 --> 00:14:05,343
That was the first
time I ever believed
323
00:14:05,345 --> 00:14:07,445
You were feeling
a genuine emotion.
324
00:14:07,447 --> 00:14:09,447
I was. It was shame.
325
00:14:09,449 --> 00:14:11,482
I've never felt it before.
326
00:14:11,484 --> 00:14:13,017
Makes me want to eat.
327
00:14:13,019 --> 00:14:15,319
Do you have
a craft services table?
No.
328
00:14:15,321 --> 00:14:17,188
Look, if you could
act like that,
329
00:14:17,190 --> 00:14:19,290
Without all the pausing
and pretentiousness,
330
00:14:19,292 --> 00:14:22,126
You could be... Great.
331
00:14:22,128 --> 00:14:24,428
No, leela.
In the world of theater
332
00:14:24,430 --> 00:14:26,664
There are no second acts.
333
00:14:28,333 --> 00:14:29,634
You're not leaving.
334
00:14:29,636 --> 00:14:32,003
We're gonna
get you your job back.
335
00:14:32,005 --> 00:14:33,638
Yeah! How?
336
00:14:33,640 --> 00:14:36,174
He'll audition for a bit
part on all my circuits...
337
00:14:36,176 --> 00:14:37,608
In disguise.
338
00:14:37,610 --> 00:14:40,044
But he'll need to act
like we just saw:
339
00:14:40,046 --> 00:14:42,046
Modest and sincere.
340
00:14:42,048 --> 00:14:44,015
You... You really
think it'll work?
341
00:14:44,017 --> 00:14:46,217
It soundlike something
that might work.
342
00:14:46,219 --> 00:14:49,453
Wearing a costume and pretending
to be someone else
343
00:14:49,455 --> 00:14:52,156
Goes against my every
instinct as an actor.
344
00:14:52,158 --> 00:14:54,225
But I'll give it a try!
345
00:14:54,227 --> 00:14:57,195
¶
346
00:15:02,868 --> 00:15:05,203
Okay, the audition's
all set up.
347
00:15:05,205 --> 00:15:06,971
Where's calculon?
348
00:15:06,973 --> 00:15:08,339
And who's this goomer?
349
00:15:08,341 --> 00:15:10,007
(whispers):
It's me, calculon.
350
00:15:10,009 --> 00:15:12,043
(gasps) okay,
just sit tight
351
00:15:12,045 --> 00:15:15,313
Till they call the fake
name I made up for you.
352
00:15:15,315 --> 00:15:18,149
Mr. Derisgreat?
Mr. Ben derisgreat?
353
00:15:18,151 --> 00:15:20,017
(whispers):
That's you.
Knock 'em dead.
354
00:15:20,019 --> 00:15:21,252
Oh!
355
00:15:22,721 --> 00:15:24,555
This is a very minor role.
356
00:15:24,557 --> 00:15:28,025
You'll be playing calculon,
back from his kidnapping ordeal.
357
00:15:28,027 --> 00:15:29,060
Calculon?!
358
00:15:29,062 --> 00:15:30,661
Yes. So make sure your acting
359
00:15:30,663 --> 00:15:32,496
Is over the top and horrible.
360
00:15:32,498 --> 00:15:34,532
You literally cannot
do this too crappily.
361
00:15:34,534 --> 00:15:36,601
You've already got the look.
362
00:15:36,603 --> 00:15:40,004
Old, past your prime,
a relic from a lamer era.
363
00:15:40,006 --> 00:15:41,339
You really do
look disgusting.
364
00:15:41,341 --> 00:15:42,773
(chuckles):
A real calculon type.
365
00:15:42,775 --> 00:15:44,342
Just blech!
366
00:15:44,344 --> 00:15:47,211
Okay, you know what?
Just hire him.
Done.
367
00:15:47,213 --> 00:15:48,579
(gasps)
368
00:15:51,250 --> 00:15:54,285
It's humbling to be back on my
old soundstage as a bit player.
369
00:15:54,287 --> 00:15:55,353
Humble is good.
370
00:15:55,355 --> 00:15:56,754
Your self-esteem
took a beating,
371
00:15:56,756 --> 00:15:59,056
But that's
what brought out
your true talent.
372
00:15:59,058 --> 00:16:02,526
Yes. You land hard when you
fall from the top, right?
373
00:16:02,528 --> 00:16:04,362
I used to be king here.
374
00:16:04,364 --> 00:16:06,464
Now I'm nothing
but a mere peasant.
375
00:16:06,466 --> 00:16:08,599
Or at best,
a... A viscount.
376
00:16:08,601 --> 00:16:10,601
I think "peasant"
is about right.
377
00:16:10,603 --> 00:16:13,037
Duke. On this set,
I'm at least a duke.
378
00:16:13,039 --> 00:16:16,774
My extensive acting
résumé dwarfs that of
the average bit player.
379
00:16:16,776 --> 00:16:18,643
Yes, that's true.
But remember,
380
00:16:18,645 --> 00:16:21,646
It's that kind of acting
that ruined you.
381
00:16:21,648 --> 00:16:22,813
Or maybe archduke.
382
00:16:22,815 --> 00:16:24,949
Whichever one gets
to fire the director.
383
00:16:24,951 --> 00:16:26,817
Oh, lord, here we go.
384
00:16:26,819 --> 00:16:28,953
Look, please just
show some humility--
385
00:16:28,955 --> 00:16:31,722
Like the other day
when everything seemed hopeless.
386
00:16:31,724 --> 00:16:35,626
Better yet, I'll whip
their emotions into a frenzy
387
00:16:35,628 --> 00:16:38,496
(melodramatically):
By taking a dramatic...
388
00:16:39,898 --> 00:16:41,966
Actors to the set!
389
00:16:41,968 --> 00:16:43,401
(indistinct chatter)
390
00:16:43,403 --> 00:16:44,835
Okay, here's the scene.
391
00:16:44,837 --> 00:16:46,737
Calculon learns his
wife is unfaithful,
392
00:16:46,739 --> 00:16:48,639
Whines about how
pathetic he is,
393
00:16:48,641 --> 00:16:50,941
Kills himself--
laugh, laugh, laugh--
go to commercial.
394
00:16:50,943 --> 00:16:52,076
Got it?
395
00:16:52,078 --> 00:16:53,444
And action!
396
00:16:53,446 --> 00:16:55,146
...Pause!
397
00:16:56,014 --> 00:16:57,782
Still rolling.
398
00:16:57,784 --> 00:17:00,651
Oh, calculon,
I wish you had never escaped
399
00:17:00,653 --> 00:17:02,520
From those brutal
crab fishermen.
400
00:17:02,522 --> 00:17:05,323
I want you to know
I didn't wait for you,
401
00:17:05,325 --> 00:17:07,525
Not even for one day.
402
00:17:07,527 --> 00:17:08,759
(heavy sigh)
403
00:17:08,761 --> 00:17:10,861
Then I suppose
the honorable thing
404
00:17:10,863 --> 00:17:12,963
Would be to kill myself...
405
00:17:12,965 --> 00:17:15,533
If I weren't
the legendary calculon,
406
00:17:15,535 --> 00:17:18,302
The greatest acting unit
of all time!
407
00:17:18,304 --> 00:17:20,304
This show is about me!
408
00:17:20,306 --> 00:17:22,206
And it always has been!
409
00:17:22,208 --> 00:17:24,942
Now, find the
co-executive hack
who wrote this drivel
410
00:17:24,944 --> 00:17:27,812
And tell him I want
37 more climactic speeches
411
00:17:27,814 --> 00:17:29,347
By lunch!
412
00:17:29,349 --> 00:17:30,381
Cut!
413
00:17:30,383 --> 00:17:32,016
That was terrible!
414
00:17:32,018 --> 00:17:34,385
Just stick to the script.
And if you don't get it
415
00:17:34,387 --> 00:17:35,686
On the second take,
you're fired.
416
00:17:35,688 --> 00:17:36,887
Let's take five, people.
417
00:17:36,889 --> 00:17:38,055
(bell rings)
418
00:17:38,057 --> 00:17:39,790
"second take"?
419
00:17:39,792 --> 00:17:41,892
I-I've never heard that phrase--
what does that mean?
420
00:17:41,894 --> 00:17:43,561
They want you
to do it again.
421
00:17:43,563 --> 00:17:44,695
What?!
422
00:17:44,697 --> 00:17:46,464
You'll do great.
Just remember,
423
00:17:46,466 --> 00:17:48,799
You're getting
devastating news,
so act more humble.
424
00:17:48,801 --> 00:17:51,302
Don't tell me
how to do humble!
425
00:17:51,304 --> 00:17:53,471
My humble ranks
among the greatest
426
00:17:53,473 --> 00:17:55,673
In the history
of the universe!
427
00:17:55,675 --> 00:17:56,874
Now, stand back
428
00:17:56,876 --> 00:17:58,676
And watch
the master at work.
429
00:17:58,678 --> 00:18:00,878
(whoops)
you can do it,
calc-y!
430
00:18:00,880 --> 00:18:02,747
No. He can't.
431
00:18:02,749 --> 00:18:03,914
You beg my pardon?
432
00:18:03,916 --> 00:18:05,583
I'm sorry, calculon,
433
00:18:05,585 --> 00:18:07,585
But someone needs
to remind you of the truth.
434
00:18:07,587 --> 00:18:10,354
You're a grade-b
actor who died
435
00:18:10,356 --> 00:18:12,223
And was immediately
forgotten.
436
00:18:12,225 --> 00:18:14,058
Leela!
That's not very nice.
437
00:18:14,060 --> 00:18:16,026
You're nothing but
a pompous windbag
438
00:18:16,028 --> 00:18:19,096
Who lost touch
with genuine emotion years ago.
439
00:18:19,098 --> 00:18:21,766
The sad fact is, we should
have left you dead,
440
00:18:21,768 --> 00:18:25,102
Because you can't possibly do
a scene like this.
441
00:18:25,104 --> 00:18:27,071
¶
442
00:18:33,912 --> 00:18:36,180
That was the meanest
thing I ever saw.
443
00:18:36,182 --> 00:18:38,849
Good. Maybe it'll work.
444
00:18:38,851 --> 00:18:41,085
Oh...
445
00:18:41,087 --> 00:18:42,520
(loud buzzing)
446
00:18:42,522 --> 00:18:43,621
Action!
447
00:18:43,623 --> 00:18:46,690
Oh, calculon,
I wish you had never escaped
448
00:18:46,692 --> 00:18:48,392
From those brutal
crab fishermen.
449
00:18:48,394 --> 00:18:51,128
I want you to know I
didn't wait for you,
450
00:18:51,130 --> 00:18:52,963
Not even for one day.
451
00:18:52,965 --> 00:18:54,899
(heavy sigh)
452
00:18:54,901 --> 00:18:56,967
(restrained tone):
Then I suppose
the honorable thing
453
00:18:56,969 --> 00:18:59,036
Would be to... Kill myself.
454
00:19:00,605 --> 00:19:04,041
I thought I could just
step back into my old life.
455
00:19:04,043 --> 00:19:07,545
But it seems the world
got on fine without me.
456
00:19:07,547 --> 00:19:09,480
Maybe even a
little bit better.
457
00:19:09,482 --> 00:19:10,948
(quiet sobbing)
458
00:19:10,950 --> 00:19:13,117
(beeping)
459
00:19:13,119 --> 00:19:15,920
The name calculon
used to mean something.
460
00:19:15,922 --> 00:19:19,890
Now it's a stain
that will never wash clean.
461
00:19:19,892 --> 00:19:21,959
Farewell.
462
00:19:23,762 --> 00:19:25,062
Cut.
463
00:19:25,064 --> 00:19:27,064
That was incredible.
464
00:19:27,066 --> 00:19:29,467
Amazing unknown actor?
Who is this
network president:
465
00:19:29,469 --> 00:19:31,836
It is I.
466
00:19:31,838 --> 00:19:32,970
Calculon?
467
00:19:32,972 --> 00:19:35,039
(others gasp, beep)
468
00:19:40,178 --> 00:19:42,913
I was programmed
to take credit for this.
469
00:19:42,915 --> 00:19:44,181
Take a bow, calculon!
470
00:19:44,183 --> 00:19:45,749
You're the greatest!
471
00:19:45,751 --> 00:19:48,185
No. No more bows.
472
00:19:48,187 --> 00:19:50,821
Oh, go ahead,
you've earned it.
473
00:19:50,823 --> 00:19:52,122
Very well.
474
00:19:52,124 --> 00:19:54,091
Just one.
475
00:19:55,594 --> 00:19:56,827
(others gasp)
476
00:19:56,829 --> 00:19:58,896
Whew, that was close.
477
00:20:03,535 --> 00:20:05,703
¶
478
00:20:05,705 --> 00:20:07,771
Mayor poopenmeyer:
And so, on the basis
479
00:20:07,773 --> 00:20:11,041
Of one great performance
that almost no one saw,
480
00:20:11,043 --> 00:20:14,778
I'm proud to dedicate
calculon's posthumous star
481
00:20:14,780 --> 00:20:16,680
On the walk of fame!
482
00:20:16,682 --> 00:20:18,949
(grunting
in pain)
483
00:20:18,951 --> 00:20:21,185
(loud cheering)
484
00:20:22,888 --> 00:20:25,289
Seems like old times,
huh, bender?
485
00:20:25,291 --> 00:20:28,058
You and me together,
being fans of calculon,
486
00:20:28,060 --> 00:20:29,994
Not having to talk.
487
00:20:29,996 --> 00:20:31,996
Shut up! I'm
watching the thing!
488
00:20:31,998 --> 00:20:33,531
So am I, buddy,
489
00:20:33,533 --> 00:20:35,566
So am I.
490
00:20:35,568 --> 00:20:37,701
¶
491
00:20:41,373 --> 00:20:44,208
Now, that's
more like it.
492
00:20:44,210 --> 00:20:47,044
Always leave 'em
wanting more--
that's the secret.
493
00:20:47,046 --> 00:20:48,546
(groans)
494
00:20:48,548 --> 00:20:51,649
So, what do you say, r.D.,
shall I dazzle the damned
495
00:20:51,651 --> 00:20:54,718
With a command performance
of my one-man show?
496
00:20:54,720 --> 00:20:56,353
Oh, god!
497
00:20:56,355 --> 00:20:59,223
Haven't they
suffered enough?!
498
00:20:59,225 --> 00:21:01,158
(tormented screams)
499
00:21:01,160 --> 00:21:04,061
Captioned by
access.Wgbh.Org oup at wgbh