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"Will & Grace" is recorded
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in front of a live studio audience.
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Do you have to go so slow?
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I'm being careful. Precious cargo.
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It's a watermelon.
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I'm not gonna test out a new stroller
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with an actual baby.
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I'm not a crazy person.
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Do you think she's dressed warm enough?
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Why is it shiny?
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Oh, my God.
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Did you put sunscreen on that watermelon?
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To prevent what? Melon-noma?
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You've been a wack-a-doo
ever since you met
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with that baby proofer.
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Mr. Ow-ie made everything very real,
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and you're just mad because
I baby proofed the snack drawer
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and you had to bite it open.
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You're having a baby, too.
Why aren't you terrified?
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I am terrified, of you.
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Why don't you eat your feelings
like normal people?
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Just relax. Calm down.
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I am calm. I am relaxed.
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Get me off of this death trap!
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No, no, no! You pressed James's floor!
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James?
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Oh, the guy you slept with his son?
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Okay, we don't have
to revisit the whole thing...
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- And his father?
- Okay, that's enough.
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And... and you took such a massive dump,
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it destroyed his apartment?
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My pain and embarrassment
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should not bring you so much amusement.
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And yet, it does.
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Grace, what are the odds
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he's gonna be in the hallway right now?
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Turns out, pretty good.
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Hello, Grace.
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Hi, James.
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Uh, Melon-ie and I
are gonna take the stairs.
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Synced & corrected by -robtor-
www.addic7ed.com
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So, how's work?
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It's good.
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Good.
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Oh, I read about that new dolphin
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that you guys have at the...
at the aquarium.
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It's a porpoise, actually.
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I have always wanted
to swim with a dolphin.
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Again, porpoise.
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Uh, unfortunately,
it's closed to the public,
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but I guess I could make an exception.
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For you.
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Really?
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After everything I've done to you?
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Ah, let's look at it this way.
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You can't do anything worse.
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Will, brunch! Hurry up!
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I can't let my blood alcohol
level get too low,
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or I'll realize my friends are boring.
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Just one more emergency drill.
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- Jack, are you timing me?
- On it.
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On your mark, get set...
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Whatever.
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Okay, this time it's an earthquake.
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Rare in Manhattan, but not impossible.
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Jack, hold it like it's a baby,
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not like it's an adult man
who likes to dress like a baby.
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Aww, your daddy lashes out
so he doesn't have
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to work on himself. Yes, he does.
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Just wrap this securely,
grab some formula,
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and then get you safely out
of the building.
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And the fruit is now a vegetable.
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That's good baby.
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How am I ever gonna get through this?
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There's... there's so many
terrible things out there
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I have to protect this baby from.
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How does any parent sleep at night?
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Alcohol and sleeping pills.
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But... and this is important...
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you have to take them together.
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Okay, dear.
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I knew this was coming.
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We have got to get you to relax.
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I can read it all over your face
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because your stress pimples
are like Braille.
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No... more...
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Dairy. Yeah, come on.
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Let's go.
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I know just the place. Come on.
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Okay, fine.
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Can't wait to see what filthy,
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depraved hellhole you're taking me to.
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As long as there's a drag queen
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calling out bingo numbers, I'm happy.
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So, what?
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This turns into a disco later,
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or do we have to pass through the back
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to get to the real club?
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No, this is it. This is my church.
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What?
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You go to church?
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Every Sunday morning.
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Hemsworth, Chalamet, Gyllenhaal, Jonas.
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You always tell me you're spending time
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with your mom on Sunday mornings.
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Yeah, this is where we go,
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and we're always an hour late
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because she can't find the right hat.
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It's a church,
not the Kentucky Derby, Judith.
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Well, I don't know why
you brought me here,
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but I have to tinkle.
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Time to turn the wine into water.
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Well, those prayers
ain't getting answered.
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Wow, look at those big flippers.
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Aww, that's the first time
a man's said that to me
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when I was actually wearing flippers.
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Well, you look adorable.
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You know, I was thinking,
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maybe we could grab dinner later?
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I mean, if you're interested
in giving us another try.
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Uh, well, the short answer
is I can't believe
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how forgiving you are.
Maybe too forgiving.
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But then again,
someone who could forgive my mistakes
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might be the quality that
I need most in a man,
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so, yes, I would love
to give us another try.
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That was the short answer?
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Look, I'm gonna go get my gear on
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and then you can meet Nook-Nook.
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But technically,
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you're not supposed to be in here,
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so please do me a favor and do not cross
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that yellow line until I get back.
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Yes, sir.
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Oh, there you are!
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Hi!
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Look at that smile.
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I'm gonna take a picture with you.
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Yes, I am.
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Okay.
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Oh, no, that's not good.
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It's... it's... it's me.
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It's not you. You're good.
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Great skin.
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Now smile.
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Oh!
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Huh. No toilet paper.
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Oh, hold on. No toilet.
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Okay, looks like we're going
all third world
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up in this thing.
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Oh, my God! I'm petting a dolphin!
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Oh, you like that?
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Am I gonna tickle your belly?
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Huh? Is that your belly button?
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Wow, that's a big belly button.
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Wow, you are really,
really liking that, aren't you?
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Oh.
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That wasn't your belly button.
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Oh, hey, buddy.
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You got any toilet paper in your stall?
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No.
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How about two fives for a ten?
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This is a confessional.
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If you're looking for the bathroom...
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No, I'm good.
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I can put the cork back in
till it's time to party.
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So, what goes on in here?
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People come here
to be absolved of their sins.
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Ooh, I wanna play.
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Then start by saying,
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"Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned."
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- What if I haven't sinned?
- Of course you have.
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Everyone sins.
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Well, there must be someone
you've wronged,
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some commandment you've broken.
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Padre, the only thing
a burning bush ever told me
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was go get penicillin.
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Well maybe then talk about
the times you've lied.
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Or, uh, stolen. Or betrayed another.
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Okay.
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We're gonna be here for a while.
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You in the mood for
a little God's baby powder?
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I'm still in shock that you come here.
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Why? You know I grew up Catholic.
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Yeah, but it's a hidden level
I didn't know you had.
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It's... it's like discovering
that an inflatable kiddie pool
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has a deep end.
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'Cause we are in the Lord's house,
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I shalt not make a joke
about my deep end.
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I like it here.
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Reminds me of my favorite movie.
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Let me guess: "Sister Act."
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No.
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"Sister Act 2."
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♪ Joyful, joyful Lord we adore thee ♪
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♪ God of glory Lord of lords ♪
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♪ Ah, ah ♪
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By the way,
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it's nice to feel like
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someone's always
looking out for me, you know?
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I just find it hard to believe
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in something you can't see.
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I mean, what... what if I said
there was a... a magic rabbit
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that controlled the universe?
You'd say, "Prove it."
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I'd say, "I can't." End of discussion.
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Look.
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- Have you ever seen "NCIS?"
- No.
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00:09:25,682 --> 00:09:27,914
Has anyone you know ever seen it?
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No.
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But you still believe it exists.
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Will, God is "NCIS."
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What about all the bad stuff
that's been done
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"in the name of the church"
to people like you and me?
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There's maybe three references
in there to homosexuality
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and, like, 12 about not eating shellfish,
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00:09:51,641 --> 00:09:54,519
but you don't see religious
bigots picketing Red Lobster.
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So they pick and choose.
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We can pick and choose, too.
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It's like that bar we used
to go to on 8th Street
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00:10:00,584 --> 00:10:02,450
with the bad music
and the watered-down drinks.
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Oh, the guys there were so hot, though.
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Exactly, so we kept going back,
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because despite the issues,
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it had something to offer.
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So God is "NCIS"
and the Bible is the Rawhide?
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You're catching on, my child.
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- You ready to meet Nook-Nook?
- You betcha.
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You didn't cross the line, did you?
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00:10:32,916 --> 00:10:35,416
Nope. No lines were crossed.
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00:10:35,451 --> 00:10:38,218
Wow, she's really excited to meet you.
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00:10:38,253 --> 00:10:41,658
I, uh, guess I just must have
a way with animals.
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00:10:41,683 --> 00:10:43,950
Okay, before we get in,
a few precautions.
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Because she's mating,
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right now Nook-Nook is in
a highly sexualized state.
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Yeah, tell me about it.
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I mean, she needs
to be handled very carefully.
236
00:10:51,993 --> 00:10:54,393
We can't do anything
to disrupt the process.
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Hypothetically,
would it disrupt the process
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if she were to, say, pleasure herself?
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00:11:02,370 --> 00:11:05,504
Well, they don't have hands,
so... but, yeah.
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Hypothetically, I mean,
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00:11:06,829 --> 00:11:09,075
that would seriously upset
her ability to mate,
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which would be a tragedy
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because she's the last female
of her species.
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Have you looked everywhere?
245
00:11:17,217 --> 00:11:19,751
Of course we have.
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Hello? Oh, okay.
247
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Um, I'll be right there.
248
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That was security.
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Some surveillance footage
they want me to see.
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There are cameras in here?
251
00:11:34,267 --> 00:11:35,834
Oh, yeah. They're all over.
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Oh, my God. Hey, no means no.
253
00:11:46,879 --> 00:11:48,746
It's almost like you're having a...
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What is wrong with you?!
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00:11:58,157 --> 00:11:59,724
I've read about people like her.
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00:11:59,759 --> 00:12:01,892
- It's a fetish.
- It's not a fetish.
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00:12:01,928 --> 00:12:04,862
Oh, that's right. They think it's love.
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00:12:06,299 --> 00:12:09,701
Okay, okay, this is not my finest moment.
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00:12:09,736 --> 00:12:11,436
Mm.
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00:12:13,906 --> 00:12:17,774
But in my defense,
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00:12:17,809 --> 00:12:18,975
she came on to me.
262
00:12:19,010 --> 00:12:20,544
You're blaming the fish?
263
00:12:20,579 --> 00:12:23,947
This is the worst thing
you have ever done,
264
00:12:23,982 --> 00:12:25,094
and that's saying a lot.
265
00:12:25,130 --> 00:12:27,251
Is she the one who took a giant Cr...
266
00:12:27,286 --> 00:12:28,885
Yes, Genevieve!
267
00:12:33,825 --> 00:12:37,394
It took three maids
to clean up all that blood.
268
00:12:39,465 --> 00:12:42,733
And two butlers to get rid
of the three maids.
269
00:12:44,370 --> 00:12:46,303
But in the end,
it was like it never happened,
270
00:12:46,338 --> 00:12:48,405
and he got elected President.
271
00:12:50,108 --> 00:12:52,575
And you don't think any
of that is sinful?
272
00:12:52,610 --> 00:12:53,743
What sin? No sin.
273
00:12:53,778 --> 00:12:55,911
You're the sinner. Fake news.
274
00:12:58,849 --> 00:13:00,316
Oh, hold on.
275
00:13:00,351 --> 00:13:01,617
I thought this might take a while,
276
00:13:01,653 --> 00:13:03,653
so I ordered a little snicky-snack.
277
00:13:05,890 --> 00:13:07,290
Smitty?
278
00:13:07,325 --> 00:13:08,791
Hello, Mrs. Walker.
279
00:13:08,826 --> 00:13:11,627
Oh, you're delivering Postmates?
280
00:13:11,663 --> 00:13:14,430
What happened to your job
at the Old King Cole Bar?
281
00:13:14,465 --> 00:13:16,821
It's... it's not a good story.
282
00:13:17,669 --> 00:13:19,769
Hang on to your yarmulke, Rabbi.
283
00:13:22,707 --> 00:13:25,207
Tragedy plus Smitty equals comedy.
284
00:13:26,977 --> 00:13:30,478
Well, I... I didn't know
that they had just waxed
285
00:13:30,514 --> 00:13:33,782
the marble steps outside the bar.
286
00:13:33,818 --> 00:13:36,051
Okay, you can see this one coming,
287
00:13:36,086 --> 00:13:38,020
but you'll enjoy the ride.
288
00:13:38,823 --> 00:13:42,490
The doctors say that I shattered my hips
289
00:13:42,526 --> 00:13:44,019
on the first stair,
290
00:13:44,054 --> 00:13:46,962
but by the time I got
to the bottom of the landing,
291
00:13:46,997 --> 00:13:51,599
well, I was more jigsaw puzzle than man.
292
00:13:57,674 --> 00:14:00,114
Hold on. He's gonna top it.
293
00:14:01,078 --> 00:14:05,513
Well, maybe you noticed that
I was a few inches shorter,
294
00:14:05,549 --> 00:14:11,720
and... and... and that's because
my pelvis is gone.
295
00:14:13,724 --> 00:14:17,892
I... I have no lap
for my great grandchildren
296
00:14:17,927 --> 00:14:19,427
to sit on.
297
00:14:22,466 --> 00:14:24,566
And there it is.
298
00:14:25,902 --> 00:14:28,035
Ah, Smitty.
299
00:14:28,071 --> 00:14:30,571
Five stars.
300
00:14:34,878 --> 00:14:36,043
Don't you think laughing
301
00:14:36,079 --> 00:14:38,512
at another soul's misfortune is sinful?
302
00:14:38,547 --> 00:14:40,447
What? No.
303
00:14:40,483 --> 00:14:42,283
That's our thing
we've been doing for years.
304
00:14:42,318 --> 00:14:43,817
He loves it.
305
00:14:44,720 --> 00:14:46,520
Are you sure about that?
306
00:14:46,555 --> 00:14:48,022
Have you ever asked him?
307
00:14:49,458 --> 00:14:52,593
- No.
- Well then, how can you know?
308
00:14:52,628 --> 00:14:54,929
I guess I can't.
309
00:14:54,964 --> 00:14:57,431
Um, gosh,
310
00:14:57,466 --> 00:14:59,700
if I'd been hurting Smitty
all these years,
311
00:14:59,735 --> 00:15:01,567
that would be a sin.
312
00:15:01,603 --> 00:15:04,070
Oh, I hope I can catch him.
313
00:15:05,908 --> 00:15:08,741
Smitty! Smitty, slow down!
314
00:15:10,312 --> 00:15:13,113
No time to chat, Mrs. Walker.
315
00:15:13,148 --> 00:15:16,132
I gotta be in Brooklyn in 15 minutes.
316
00:15:16,167 --> 00:15:18,618
Oh, uh, listen, Smitty.
317
00:15:18,653 --> 00:15:21,388
I hope you don't mind that
I sometimes let
318
00:15:21,423 --> 00:15:24,391
a giggle or two escape when you tell me
319
00:15:24,426 --> 00:15:26,592
about your adventures.
320
00:15:26,628 --> 00:15:30,297
Oh, not at all. It's nice of you to ask.
321
00:15:30,332 --> 00:15:32,465
Um, truth is,
322
00:15:32,500 --> 00:15:34,734
when those bad things happen to me,
323
00:15:34,769 --> 00:15:36,936
I always think to myself,
324
00:15:36,971 --> 00:15:39,839
"Mrs. Walker's gonna enjoy this."
325
00:15:42,009 --> 00:15:44,109
Well, that's nice to know, Smitty,
326
00:15:44,145 --> 00:15:45,778
but all the same,
327
00:15:45,814 --> 00:15:47,780
when you get back to your apartment,
328
00:15:47,816 --> 00:15:50,149
there's going to be a check to make sure
329
00:15:50,184 --> 00:15:53,352
that you never have to work
for Postmates again.
330
00:15:53,387 --> 00:15:54,954
But I... I love it,
331
00:15:54,989 --> 00:15:58,825
and... and this scooter
is a real panty-dropper.
332
00:15:58,860 --> 00:16:00,860
Thank you, Mrs. Walker.
333
00:16:00,895 --> 00:16:02,495
You're welcome, Smitty.
334
00:16:04,231 --> 00:16:07,099
Oh, and, um, Smitty?
335
00:16:08,502 --> 00:16:10,001
See you in the funny papers.
336
00:16:11,638 --> 00:16:13,505
Wow.
337
00:16:13,540 --> 00:16:16,174
Look at those shiny stairs.
338
00:16:23,550 --> 00:16:25,851
You always have to get the last laugh,
339
00:16:25,886 --> 00:16:27,686
don't you, you big ham?
340
00:16:34,353 --> 00:16:35,719
It's funny.
341
00:16:35,721 --> 00:16:37,521
As a kid, I was super religious.
342
00:16:37,523 --> 00:16:39,524
I was an altar boy.
343
00:16:40,229 --> 00:16:43,277
I altered the hem of my frock
to show off my gams.
344
00:16:44,863 --> 00:16:47,698
I like the idea of this father figure
345
00:16:47,700 --> 00:16:49,933
that seemed way more interested in me
346
00:16:49,935 --> 00:16:51,367
than my real dad.
347
00:16:51,369 --> 00:16:55,772
I actually turned to this
for advice, comfort,
348
00:16:55,774 --> 00:16:58,374
and when I started having attractions
349
00:16:58,376 --> 00:16:59,709
and I looked here for help,
350
00:16:59,711 --> 00:17:02,545
I found out I was an abomination,
351
00:17:02,547 --> 00:17:05,633
and this book that had made me
feel less lonely
352
00:17:06,318 --> 00:17:09,137
suddenly made me feel completely alone.
353
00:17:09,988 --> 00:17:11,788
Yeah, I was there, too,
354
00:17:11,790 --> 00:17:15,091
but God is more than just that book.
355
00:17:15,093 --> 00:17:16,993
It's all so confusing to me.
356
00:17:16,995 --> 00:17:18,728
I mean, wanting someone so much
357
00:17:18,730 --> 00:17:21,898
and then being told
I wasn't supposed to want it,
358
00:17:21,900 --> 00:17:25,568
and so many gay guys I knew
just buried those feelings
359
00:17:25,570 --> 00:17:27,637
by getting drunk or high.
360
00:17:27,639 --> 00:17:30,239
Well, Leviticus does say,
361
00:17:30,241 --> 00:17:32,074
"If a man lies with another man,
362
00:17:32,076 --> 00:17:33,608
he should be stoned."
363
00:17:39,483 --> 00:17:43,252
So I'm listening.
What do you get out of this?
364
00:17:43,787 --> 00:17:48,457
Well, I come here, I close my eyes,
365
00:17:48,459 --> 00:17:51,660
and I think about what matters to me
366
00:17:51,662 --> 00:17:53,695
and what I'm grateful for,
367
00:17:53,697 --> 00:17:57,366
and a sense of peace comes over me.
368
00:17:57,368 --> 00:18:00,202
- Sounds nice.
- Try it.
369
00:18:00,204 --> 00:18:01,564
Now?
370
00:18:02,106 --> 00:18:04,206
Okay. What matters to...
371
00:18:04,208 --> 00:18:05,741
Close your eyes.
372
00:18:08,778 --> 00:18:11,479
What matters to me right now
is protecting my child.
373
00:18:12,949 --> 00:18:14,782
And I'm grateful that
374
00:18:14,784 --> 00:18:16,985
I'm bringing this child into the world.
375
00:18:16,987 --> 00:18:19,020
There you go. Doesn't that feel...
376
00:18:19,022 --> 00:18:21,155
The world where the ice caps are melting,
377
00:18:21,157 --> 00:18:22,790
bees are dying,
378
00:18:22,792 --> 00:18:25,126
low-rise jeans are coming back,
379
00:18:25,128 --> 00:18:28,162
not to mention the fact that
when my kid is in college,
380
00:18:28,164 --> 00:18:29,364
I'll be 70,
381
00:18:29,366 --> 00:18:30,631
and if I ever get to meet my grandkids,
382
00:18:30,633 --> 00:18:32,466
I'll probably be a head in a jar.
383
00:18:32,468 --> 00:18:34,402
Okay, okay, okay.
384
00:18:34,404 --> 00:18:36,265
Good first attempt.
385
00:18:37,007 --> 00:18:38,973
I'm sorry, Jack. I...
386
00:18:38,975 --> 00:18:41,742
I actually wish I could have
the faith you have.
387
00:18:41,744 --> 00:18:45,813
Will, you... you're going to be a father.
388
00:18:45,815 --> 00:18:48,549
That's the biggest leap
of faith there is.
389
00:18:48,551 --> 00:18:52,019
That and you buying that box
of supermarket hair dye.
390
00:18:53,322 --> 00:18:54,855
I had a coupon.
391
00:18:56,893 --> 00:18:58,859
And I slept through the timer, all right?
392
00:19:00,195 --> 00:19:01,695
It'll fade. It'll fade.
393
00:19:03,533 --> 00:19:06,066
But, look, the world
is always gonna be filled
394
00:19:06,068 --> 00:19:07,601
with things you can't control.
395
00:19:07,603 --> 00:19:09,403
That's what coming here is for...
396
00:19:09,405 --> 00:19:12,673
to release that
to something outside of you.
397
00:19:12,675 --> 00:19:14,174
Why do you think I'm
so much less stressed out
398
00:19:14,176 --> 00:19:15,676
than you all the time?
399
00:19:15,678 --> 00:19:16,944
I always assumed it was because
400
00:19:16,946 --> 00:19:18,037
I pay for everything
401
00:19:18,039 --> 00:19:19,613
and you have no
responsibilities whatsoever,
402
00:19:19,615 --> 00:19:23,249
but I see your point.
403
00:19:23,251 --> 00:19:24,517
I just don't think I can do
404
00:19:24,519 --> 00:19:27,019
the whole let go and let God thing.
405
00:19:27,021 --> 00:19:28,192
Then...
406
00:19:29,023 --> 00:19:32,291
then let go and let me, hmm?
407
00:19:32,293 --> 00:19:33,927
When it all gets to be too much,
408
00:19:33,929 --> 00:19:37,396
just give me some of that worry
you're holding onto
409
00:19:37,398 --> 00:19:40,467
and let me carry it, huh?
410
00:19:40,469 --> 00:19:42,401
Let me be your church.
411
00:19:44,372 --> 00:19:45,738
Well, I do worship you.
412
00:19:47,876 --> 00:19:49,275
- Thanks, Jack.
- Yeah.
413
00:19:49,277 --> 00:19:50,477
Oh, look.
414
00:19:50,479 --> 00:19:52,545
It's Sodom and Gay Moron.
415
00:19:55,984 --> 00:19:59,051
Crap, he knows I'm here.
Let's get out of here.
416
00:20:02,423 --> 00:20:03,889
James, what are you doing here?
417
00:20:03,891 --> 00:20:06,092
Well, naturally, I was fired.
418
00:20:06,094 --> 00:20:08,494
Oh, no.
419
00:20:08,496 --> 00:20:10,429
You'll get another job, right?
420
00:20:10,431 --> 00:20:11,830
With all the aquariums in New York?
421
00:20:11,832 --> 00:20:13,565
No, there's just the one.
422
00:20:16,104 --> 00:20:19,005
I am so, so sorry.
423
00:20:19,007 --> 00:20:20,739
No, I'm sorry, Grace.
424
00:20:20,741 --> 00:20:22,508
I got angry with you, but you were right.
425
00:20:22,510 --> 00:20:25,043
It was just an accident,
so I'm here to say...
426
00:20:26,480 --> 00:20:28,446
Can we try again?
427
00:20:31,636 --> 00:20:32,673
What?
428
00:20:33,654 --> 00:20:36,755
Are you out of your mind?
429
00:20:36,757 --> 00:20:40,425
I slept with your son and your father,
430
00:20:40,427 --> 00:20:41,760
and you forgave me.
431
00:20:41,762 --> 00:20:43,662
I pooped your apartment to death,
432
00:20:43,664 --> 00:20:45,931
and you forgave me.
433
00:20:45,933 --> 00:20:51,269
But now I violated a porpoise,
got you fired,
434
00:20:51,271 --> 00:20:53,905
and ended a species!
435
00:20:57,444 --> 00:20:58,543
And I forgive you.
436
00:21:03,283 --> 00:21:05,581
What is wrong with you?
437
00:21:06,186 --> 00:21:07,818
I think I'm falling for you!
438
00:21:07,820 --> 00:21:10,488
Raise your standards, man!
439
00:21:11,624 --> 00:21:12,931
I'm sorry.
440
00:21:12,933 --> 00:21:14,859
I'm sorry. I can't be with someone who
441
00:21:14,861 --> 00:21:16,861
has such terrible taste in women.