1 00:00:51,760 --> 00:00:53,887 Everyone has a worst nightmare. 2 00:00:54,638 --> 00:00:56,974 For some, it's bathing suit season. 3 00:00:57,057 --> 00:00:58,684 For others, it's knowing your birth certificate 4 00:00:58,767 --> 00:01:00,602 can never be legally destroyed. 5 00:01:01,311 --> 00:01:02,479 For Miranda, 6 00:01:02,563 --> 00:01:04,731 it was family hour at her gym. 7 00:01:05,232 --> 00:01:06,775 Hey! What the-- 8 00:01:13,240 --> 00:01:16,577 Kiddie Jazzercise, Aerobics room one, 9 00:01:16,660 --> 00:01:17,661 five minutes. 10 00:01:18,120 --> 00:01:19,663 On Sundays, her whole neighborhood 11 00:01:19,746 --> 00:01:22,833 became occupied territory, under siege to children. 12 00:01:23,000 --> 00:01:23,834 They were everywhere. 13 00:01:23,917 --> 00:01:26,962 Movie theaters, restaurants, bookstores, hair salons... 14 00:01:27,045 --> 00:01:29,756 Starbucks was basically a stroller parking lot. 15 00:01:29,840 --> 00:01:33,927 Was it too much to hope for one small space to call her own? 16 00:01:35,929 --> 00:01:38,140 Uh, don't touch it, don't touch it. Please? 17 00:01:39,224 --> 00:01:40,642 Is there a problem? 18 00:01:40,726 --> 00:01:43,228 No, no, it's just that he really likes to push the button. 19 00:01:43,937 --> 00:01:46,189 Okay, fine, I'm in kind of a rush. Push one? 20 00:01:46,273 --> 00:01:47,107 Ah, Simon, see? 21 00:01:47,190 --> 00:01:49,359 This very pretty lady said that you can push the button. 22 00:01:50,736 --> 00:01:51,570 Ah! 23 00:01:51,653 --> 00:01:52,654 Oh! 24 00:01:53,488 --> 00:01:54,364 So sorry. 25 00:01:54,448 --> 00:01:56,408 I'm sure it's just a phase. 26 00:01:56,491 --> 00:02:01,079 Mmm, yeah. The guilty, overindulgent phase of a d-i-v-o-r-c-e. 27 00:02:01,538 --> 00:02:02,497 Ah. 28 00:02:05,834 --> 00:02:06,835 Daddy. 29 00:02:06,918 --> 00:02:09,796 Simon, we're not being very nice to... 30 00:02:10,255 --> 00:02:12,174 -Miranda. -Miranda. 31 00:02:12,758 --> 00:02:14,926 Sounds kind of like a princess name, doesn't it? 32 00:02:15,510 --> 00:02:16,928 Stop talking. 33 00:02:20,515 --> 00:02:21,767 I'm going to bite you. 34 00:02:22,351 --> 00:02:23,602 Do you want to go to the toy store later? 35 00:02:23,685 --> 00:02:24,561 Yes. 36 00:02:24,645 --> 00:02:25,729 Well, then, don't bite me. 37 00:02:27,981 --> 00:02:30,901 See, I'm in violation of every parenting book ever written. 38 00:02:30,984 --> 00:02:31,943 Hmm. 39 00:02:33,153 --> 00:02:35,072 -Do you have kids? -Uh, no. 40 00:02:35,155 --> 00:02:36,156 Married? 41 00:02:37,908 --> 00:02:40,077 -Well, here we are! -At last! 42 00:02:42,245 --> 00:02:45,248 Any chance I could persuade you to take another ride? 43 00:02:53,840 --> 00:02:55,384 His name was Roger Cobb, 44 00:02:55,467 --> 00:02:57,594 and it only took him another floor and a half 45 00:02:57,678 --> 00:02:59,680 to ask Miranda for her phone number. 46 00:03:00,222 --> 00:03:02,391 The whole thing might have been very romantic 47 00:03:02,474 --> 00:03:04,476 if Simon hadn't peed in his pants. 48 00:03:04,685 --> 00:03:06,269 I don't wear vintage clothes, 49 00:03:06,353 --> 00:03:08,855 I hate flea markets, I don't collect antiques, 50 00:03:08,939 --> 00:03:10,941 is it too much to ask that he not be... 51 00:03:11,024 --> 00:03:13,610 -I don't know. Used? -Okay, before it goes any further, 52 00:03:13,694 --> 00:03:16,488 just make sure his parts are still under warranty. 53 00:03:16,571 --> 00:03:18,490 -It's like chewing somebody else's gum. 54 00:03:18,573 --> 00:03:20,701 Well, divorced men do come with baggage. 55 00:03:20,784 --> 00:03:23,370 Yeah, baggage is one thing. But when they come with kids... 56 00:03:23,453 --> 00:03:25,914 Especially kids with bladder control issues. 57 00:03:26,164 --> 00:03:27,666 -Here's what I think. -Mmm-hmm? 58 00:03:27,749 --> 00:03:30,168 Round up all the divorced men and keep them in a pound. 59 00:03:30,711 --> 00:03:33,672 That way, you get their whole history before you take one home. 60 00:03:33,755 --> 00:03:36,299 Just because a man is divorced doesn't mean he has a problem. 61 00:03:36,383 --> 00:03:37,551 Like my brother Wesley. 62 00:03:37,634 --> 00:03:39,261 He's just separated from his wife, Leslie, 63 00:03:39,344 --> 00:03:40,387 -and he is-- -Eh! 64 00:03:40,846 --> 00:03:42,139 Wesley and Leslie? 65 00:03:42,472 --> 00:03:44,391 -I don't think so. -What is that? 66 00:03:44,474 --> 00:03:46,226 -Marriage by Mother Goose? 67 00:03:46,309 --> 00:03:48,186 -Definitely a candidate for the pound. -Mmm. 68 00:03:48,270 --> 00:03:51,523 Okay, I was going to ask you all to meet him because he's coming to visit me. 69 00:03:51,606 --> 00:03:52,774 And now, forget it. 70 00:03:52,858 --> 00:03:56,486 No, no, no, honey, we want to meet Wesley of Wesley and Leslie. 71 00:03:56,570 --> 00:03:58,947 And, PS, does he work for Nestlé? 72 00:04:00,449 --> 00:04:01,950 My brother's very important to me, 73 00:04:02,033 --> 00:04:05,662 and I'm not going to have him subjected to scrutiny and ridicule. 74 00:04:06,329 --> 00:04:07,456 I'll be scrutiny. 75 00:04:07,706 --> 00:04:09,541 -You'll be ridicule. -I always have to be ridicule. 76 00:04:09,624 --> 00:04:11,460 Why can't you be ridicule for once? 77 00:04:11,543 --> 00:04:12,627 I know. 78 00:04:13,920 --> 00:04:16,840 As for me, rather than sort through the half-off bin, 79 00:04:16,923 --> 00:04:19,926 I was dating someone brand spanking new. 80 00:04:20,010 --> 00:04:23,221 I met Vaughn Wysel at a PEN luncheon a month ago. 81 00:04:23,305 --> 00:04:26,475 It's amazing how much better looking fiction writers have become. 82 00:04:26,558 --> 00:04:28,018 Still up for a movie? 83 00:04:28,101 --> 00:04:30,187 Yeah, I just gotta drop these books by my parents' place. 84 00:04:30,270 --> 00:04:31,271 It's on the way. 85 00:04:32,939 --> 00:04:34,149 Hey, GQ called. 86 00:04:34,232 --> 00:04:36,109 Really? They want you to write something? 87 00:04:36,193 --> 00:04:37,986 No, they want me to wear something. 88 00:04:38,528 --> 00:04:39,780 It's so great to be a writer these days. 89 00:04:39,863 --> 00:04:41,448 There's just so little writing involved. 90 00:04:42,073 --> 00:04:44,242 Just don't be photographed in anything sleeveless. 91 00:04:44,326 --> 00:04:46,620 No one who went sleeveless ever won a Pulitzer. 92 00:04:47,162 --> 00:04:49,122 It's just a little tip from me to you. 93 00:04:51,416 --> 00:04:53,710 Hey, wow, nice townhouse! 94 00:04:53,794 --> 00:04:55,962 -Come on in, this will only take a sec. -Oh, no, no. Oh, God. 95 00:04:56,046 --> 00:04:57,464 No, I'm really... I'm not dressed for family. 96 00:04:57,547 --> 00:04:59,299 Can you just maybe drop them through the mail slot? 97 00:04:59,716 --> 00:05:01,927 If I'm here and I don't at least say hello, you know... 98 00:05:02,010 --> 00:05:04,429 I'm looking at two months minimum hard family time. 99 00:05:04,763 --> 00:05:06,848 All right, all right. Yeah, okay. 100 00:05:07,808 --> 00:05:08,850 Oof. 101 00:05:09,810 --> 00:05:11,269 Thank you. 102 00:05:11,353 --> 00:05:14,815 Mother, I swear, you're the only person who can kill a cactus. 103 00:05:15,190 --> 00:05:17,234 -Hey, Vaughn. -Uh, Zoey, this is Carrie. 104 00:05:17,317 --> 00:05:20,070 Tell your sister to stop bringing me plants. 105 00:05:20,362 --> 00:05:21,905 They get suicidal around me. 106 00:05:21,988 --> 00:05:23,990 I have to talk them down from the ledge. 107 00:05:24,241 --> 00:05:26,201 -Vaughn! -Those books you asked me to sign. 108 00:05:26,284 --> 00:05:27,828 -Oh, great, dear! -Yeah. 109 00:05:28,078 --> 00:05:31,456 -Duncan, Vaughn's here! -Yeah, and he brought a girl! 110 00:05:31,540 --> 00:05:32,666 Well, hi. 111 00:05:32,749 --> 00:05:35,001 -Wallis Wysel. -Hi. 112 00:05:35,085 --> 00:05:36,378 Say, have we met? 113 00:05:36,461 --> 00:05:39,506 No, no, I don't think so. Carrie Bradshaw. 114 00:05:39,589 --> 00:05:41,132 Oh, my God! 115 00:05:41,383 --> 00:05:43,260 Duncan, get your ass in here! 116 00:05:43,343 --> 00:05:46,555 I just love, love, love your column. 117 00:05:46,638 --> 00:05:47,722 Oh, well... 118 00:05:47,931 --> 00:05:49,891 I love, love, love to hear that. 119 00:05:49,975 --> 00:05:51,810 Oh, Mom, we can't stay. 120 00:05:51,893 --> 00:05:54,563 The hell you can't! You know what you should write about? 121 00:05:54,646 --> 00:05:56,398 Re-virginization. 122 00:05:56,690 --> 00:05:59,234 Did you know that there are women who are actually having 123 00:05:59,317 --> 00:06:03,238 their vaginas restitched to make them like-new again? 124 00:06:03,738 --> 00:06:05,031 Well, aren't they clever? 125 00:06:05,115 --> 00:06:07,701 In case you're wondering, Mom just finished making a documentary 126 00:06:07,784 --> 00:06:09,035 on genital mutilation. 127 00:06:09,119 --> 00:06:11,162 Which I still haven't gotten your notes on. 128 00:06:11,246 --> 00:06:12,497 Mom, I told you, 129 00:06:12,581 --> 00:06:14,165 I can't bring myself to look at that fucking thing. 130 00:06:14,249 --> 00:06:17,669 And I typed all his short stories for him when he was 12. 131 00:06:17,752 --> 00:06:20,213 Duncan, look. Do you know who this is? 132 00:06:20,714 --> 00:06:23,258 Carrie Bradshaw. She writes that column we love. 133 00:06:23,550 --> 00:06:25,468 What are you doing Thursday night? 134 00:06:25,802 --> 00:06:27,512 Um... laundry. 135 00:06:27,596 --> 00:06:31,224 I teach a seminar at Columbia on cultural zeitgeist. 136 00:06:31,474 --> 00:06:32,976 I'd love to have you come speak. 137 00:06:33,059 --> 00:06:36,271 Mr. Self-Involved here didn't tell us he was dating an icon. 138 00:06:36,354 --> 00:06:37,230 Icon? 139 00:06:37,314 --> 00:06:39,441 Oh, you are an icon. You are. 140 00:06:39,733 --> 00:06:41,359 Hey, who brought a girl? 141 00:06:41,443 --> 00:06:43,445 Oh, this is my other sister. 142 00:06:43,528 --> 00:06:46,656 -Franny, this is Carrie. -Hey, what's up? 143 00:06:46,740 --> 00:06:47,991 Hey, what's up? 144 00:06:48,074 --> 00:06:49,451 -Hey, Mom. -Hi, sweetie. 145 00:06:49,868 --> 00:06:51,328 Franny and Zoey? 146 00:06:51,703 --> 00:06:52,746 What can I say? 147 00:06:52,829 --> 00:06:54,873 JD Salinger used to get me high. 148 00:06:54,956 --> 00:06:56,875 And then she'd call me at 3:00 a.m., 149 00:06:56,958 --> 00:06:59,002 "I love you, I love you." 150 00:06:59,127 --> 00:07:00,754 -Good for you, Vaughn. 151 00:07:00,837 --> 00:07:02,839 Beautiful and she thinks I'm funny. 152 00:07:02,923 --> 00:07:03,965 You're hilarious. 153 00:07:04,049 --> 00:07:07,469 Put your tongue back in your head, and the lox on the table, please. 154 00:07:07,677 --> 00:07:08,929 Come on, everybody, let's... 155 00:07:09,012 --> 00:07:10,472 -have something to eat. Come on! - Yeah. 156 00:07:10,555 --> 00:07:11,932 Look, we... We have to go. 157 00:07:12,015 --> 00:07:13,016 -Oh, you don't. -What? 158 00:07:13,099 --> 00:07:14,935 -Why? -Oh, come on, please! 159 00:07:15,018 --> 00:07:17,187 Sweetie, we can... We'll stay. 160 00:07:17,270 --> 00:07:18,772 Great! Oh, good, thank you! 161 00:07:18,855 --> 00:07:21,691 I mean, really, within the space of five minutes, 162 00:07:21,775 --> 00:07:23,318 I had next week's column, 163 00:07:23,401 --> 00:07:26,446 an invitation to speak at an Ivy League university, 164 00:07:26,529 --> 00:07:29,282 and access to the entire Zabar's fish counter. 165 00:07:29,866 --> 00:07:31,576 Leave now? Was he nuts? 166 00:07:31,660 --> 00:07:32,661 Have a napkin. 167 00:07:35,497 --> 00:07:39,250 So, have you ever gone out with someone who had a kid? 168 00:07:39,334 --> 00:07:41,419 No, but I've never gone out with someone I met 169 00:07:41,503 --> 00:07:43,088 on an elevator either, so... 170 00:07:43,171 --> 00:07:44,172 Well, that's a first for me, too. 171 00:07:44,339 --> 00:07:46,675 There was a woman I met on an escalator once, 172 00:07:46,758 --> 00:07:47,717 but it didn't last long. 173 00:07:47,801 --> 00:07:49,761 It was over by the time we got to ladies' lingerie. 174 00:07:50,178 --> 00:07:53,181 I dated a man once who wore ladies' lingerie. 175 00:07:53,264 --> 00:07:55,433 That was kind of the problem there. 176 00:07:55,976 --> 00:07:57,018 I'm kidding. 177 00:07:57,769 --> 00:07:59,270 'Cause I'm wearing panties now. 178 00:08:00,480 --> 00:08:02,232 You're kidding, right? 179 00:08:02,315 --> 00:08:03,650 - Yah! -Ow! 180 00:08:03,942 --> 00:08:05,110 Daddy, look what I found! 181 00:08:05,193 --> 00:08:07,070 -Can you say you're sorry? -No! 182 00:08:07,153 --> 00:08:08,613 -No, no, no! -Are you okay? 183 00:08:08,697 --> 00:08:10,031 Ah... 184 00:08:10,115 --> 00:08:12,575 Fortunately, I mostly use the right side of my brain. 185 00:08:17,914 --> 00:08:21,084 It must be hard, having a social life as a single parent. 186 00:08:21,167 --> 00:08:22,210 Well, yeah, it is. 187 00:08:22,335 --> 00:08:24,254 I got to buy protective helmets for all my dates. 188 00:08:24,337 --> 00:08:26,214 Yeah! Where's mine by the way? 189 00:08:26,297 --> 00:08:27,716 Oh, truth is, I... 190 00:08:28,133 --> 00:08:30,719 I never really had a great social life before Simon either. 191 00:08:30,927 --> 00:08:34,222 I'm just one of those weird male aberrations who... 192 00:08:34,556 --> 00:08:35,807 prefers to be married. 193 00:08:36,683 --> 00:08:39,102 I mean, I like stability. I like routine. 194 00:08:39,644 --> 00:08:42,022 I like knowing there's people waiting for me at home. 195 00:08:43,606 --> 00:08:45,358 I guess that makes me sound pretty dull. 196 00:08:45,692 --> 00:08:46,776 -Are you kidding? 197 00:08:46,985 --> 00:08:48,945 You're the heterosexual holy grail. 198 00:08:50,989 --> 00:08:52,782 Miranda began to wonder how a vintage man 199 00:08:52,866 --> 00:08:55,118 might look on her modern couch. 200 00:08:57,704 --> 00:08:59,164 Here, here, here, here. 201 00:08:59,247 --> 00:09:00,498 -Oh! -Ah! 202 00:09:00,582 --> 00:09:01,583 Thank you! 203 00:09:02,000 --> 00:09:04,502 Probably not the best time to ask you to dinner, huh? 204 00:09:04,586 --> 00:09:07,130 While Miranda was dealing with queasiness, 205 00:09:07,213 --> 00:09:09,340 Charlotte was handling depression. 206 00:09:09,424 --> 00:09:12,385 Which, of course, she felt could be solved with a homemade muffin. 207 00:09:12,469 --> 00:09:14,554 There you go! Just like Nana used to make. 208 00:09:15,013 --> 00:09:16,222 Charlie, the muffins are great. 209 00:09:16,306 --> 00:09:18,558 But I'd much prefer a nice dry Martini. 210 00:09:19,017 --> 00:09:21,686 But Nana always made muffins to cheer you up. 211 00:09:21,770 --> 00:09:23,146 Well, that was pre-Leslie. 212 00:09:23,229 --> 00:09:26,149 Post-Leslie, I need a cocktail. Now, where's your vodka? 213 00:09:26,232 --> 00:09:27,400 I don't have any. 214 00:09:27,734 --> 00:09:29,360 And you call yourself a WASP. 215 00:09:29,819 --> 00:09:31,946 I don't see why you two can't work it out, 216 00:09:32,030 --> 00:09:33,990 you had the most beautiful wedding. 217 00:09:34,074 --> 00:09:35,867 And we're going to have an even lovelier divorce. 218 00:09:35,950 --> 00:09:39,204 I can't believe you're willing to just throw it all away so easily. 219 00:09:39,287 --> 00:09:41,164 I mean, relationships take work. 220 00:09:41,247 --> 00:09:43,833 You need patience and understanding. 221 00:09:44,125 --> 00:09:47,253 Charlotte, when was your last long-term relationship? 222 00:09:49,631 --> 00:09:51,007 Oh, just eat your muffin. 223 00:10:00,850 --> 00:10:04,104 The afternoon had been like six hours of foreplay. 224 00:10:08,942 --> 00:10:12,112 Some men seduce with dim lights and soft music... 225 00:10:13,530 --> 00:10:16,950 Vaughn seduced with chocolate chip cookies and relatives. 226 00:10:20,036 --> 00:10:21,955 It was inevitable this would happen. 227 00:10:28,086 --> 00:10:30,630 I just didn't know it would happen so quickly. 228 00:10:32,674 --> 00:10:33,675 Uh... 229 00:10:34,217 --> 00:10:35,718 Um, I'll get a tissue. 230 00:10:47,313 --> 00:10:49,732 Get out now, before he stains all your sheets. 231 00:10:49,816 --> 00:10:51,526 Oh, come on, that's harsh. 232 00:10:51,609 --> 00:10:53,069 It could be he was just nervous. 233 00:10:53,153 --> 00:10:54,320 The first time is always weird. 234 00:10:54,404 --> 00:10:55,822 And he'd probably had something to drink. 235 00:10:55,905 --> 00:10:57,949 And we'd just spent the whole day with his family. 236 00:10:58,032 --> 00:11:01,327 Look, the guy could not get his Cadillac into the garage. 237 00:11:01,411 --> 00:11:04,164 Honey, I'm sorry, I hate being right about this. 238 00:11:04,414 --> 00:11:07,292 Samantha was the General Patton of sex. 239 00:11:07,375 --> 00:11:09,377 She didn't like sending her troops into battle 240 00:11:09,460 --> 00:11:10,712 if she thought they would lose. 241 00:11:11,045 --> 00:11:12,672 -I like him. -Well, that's real swell, 242 00:11:12,755 --> 00:11:14,841 but it still doesn't get the cream in the cupcake. 243 00:11:15,049 --> 00:11:17,385 But the thing I like best about him is his family. 244 00:11:17,468 --> 00:11:19,179 Mmm, anyone there you can fuck? 245 00:11:20,430 --> 00:11:22,432 What? I'm trying to be helpful. 246 00:11:22,515 --> 00:11:24,809 I'm telling you, this family is like... 247 00:11:25,810 --> 00:11:27,020 They've got charisma! 248 00:11:27,353 --> 00:11:29,647 Like Tom Cruise, they're the Tom Cruise of families. 249 00:11:29,731 --> 00:11:32,442 I'm pretty sure the family is supposed to be the obstacle 250 00:11:32,525 --> 00:11:34,485 to a relationship, not the attraction. 251 00:11:34,569 --> 00:11:37,238 I fucked a guy once because his family had a pool. 252 00:11:37,530 --> 00:11:39,115 He was pretty much of a nerd, but, 253 00:11:39,199 --> 00:11:41,910 I'd go over there and get all cocoa-buttered up. 254 00:11:41,993 --> 00:11:43,244 His mom loved me. 255 00:11:43,328 --> 00:11:45,330 She was always serving me Kool-Aid and chips. 256 00:11:45,413 --> 00:11:46,831 -Kool-Aid? -Mmm, yeah! 257 00:11:46,915 --> 00:11:50,877 Kool-Aid! I was 13 and, honey, you should've seen my tan. 258 00:11:52,212 --> 00:11:55,757 In my mind, the complications of making a relationship work 259 00:11:55,840 --> 00:11:58,134 had just expanded exponentially. 260 00:11:58,843 --> 00:12:00,136 When you date someone, 261 00:12:00,261 --> 00:12:03,139 how many people become emotionally involved? 262 00:12:03,514 --> 00:12:06,935 When you sleep with someone, are you screwing the family? 263 00:12:08,394 --> 00:12:10,688 While I was still on the fence about my feelings for Vaughn, 264 00:12:10,772 --> 00:12:13,733 I had no doubt about my feeling for his mother. 265 00:12:13,816 --> 00:12:15,193 I was in love with her. 266 00:12:15,276 --> 00:12:18,613 Then we were in Nicaragua with the Peace Corps. 267 00:12:18,696 --> 00:12:20,073 That's where Vaughn was born. 268 00:12:20,573 --> 00:12:23,910 I can't get over it! You've had, like, five lives. 269 00:12:24,118 --> 00:12:25,870 I can barely make one happen. 270 00:12:25,954 --> 00:12:29,874 Oh, don't pull that self-effacing shit with me, Carrie. 271 00:12:29,958 --> 00:12:33,378 I see you. I know what you've got going. 272 00:12:33,461 --> 00:12:34,796 What? What do I do? 273 00:12:34,879 --> 00:12:37,590 -I write this little column. -It's a contribution. 274 00:12:37,799 --> 00:12:40,426 I mean, you are putting it out there. You... 275 00:12:40,802 --> 00:12:42,428 You're part of a dialogue. 276 00:12:42,512 --> 00:12:45,765 I mean, if it wasn't for you, we wouldn't know half the things we do 277 00:12:45,848 --> 00:12:47,767 about other people's sex lives. 278 00:12:48,268 --> 00:12:50,061 Well, thanks a lot. 279 00:12:50,144 --> 00:12:51,354 I'm teasing. 280 00:12:51,437 --> 00:12:52,605 Oh! 281 00:12:52,855 --> 00:12:56,734 No, no. It's wonderful to be frank and honest about sex. 282 00:12:56,818 --> 00:13:01,239 That's how I raised my kids. I mean, sex was always a part of the discussion. 283 00:13:01,572 --> 00:13:03,074 When they were two years old, 284 00:13:03,157 --> 00:13:06,035 they knew the proper names for their body parts. 285 00:13:06,286 --> 00:13:09,330 None of this pee-pee and wee-wee crap, no, no. 286 00:13:09,664 --> 00:13:13,167 And as result, do you know, they can talk to me about anything. 287 00:13:13,584 --> 00:13:16,212 When Franny told me she was a lesbian, I said, 288 00:13:16,296 --> 00:13:18,965 "Great, just as long as you're not a Republican." 289 00:13:20,091 --> 00:13:21,509 May I just say, 290 00:13:22,176 --> 00:13:23,845 I like you very much. 291 00:13:23,928 --> 00:13:25,930 Oh, that's dear, thank you. 292 00:13:28,808 --> 00:13:30,393 So, did you talk to Leslie today? 293 00:13:30,727 --> 00:13:31,853 No, but I talked to her lawyer. 294 00:13:31,936 --> 00:13:33,354 Do you want to know all about that? 295 00:13:33,438 --> 00:13:35,940 I'm giving her the house and she's giving me an ulcer. 296 00:13:36,482 --> 00:13:39,193 Okay, okay, I'm sorry I brought it up. 297 00:13:39,277 --> 00:13:40,403 Tonight we'll have fun. 298 00:13:40,486 --> 00:13:41,904 You'll finally meet my friend Carrie, 299 00:13:41,988 --> 00:13:44,198 we'll go out, have dinner, maybe we'll go to a club... 300 00:13:44,657 --> 00:13:45,825 Shit. 301 00:13:48,703 --> 00:13:50,038 -Hi. -Hello. 302 00:13:51,205 --> 00:13:55,793 Carrie, Samantha, this is my wonderful brother, Wesley. 303 00:13:55,918 --> 00:13:57,920 -Hi. -Hi, Nice to meet you. 304 00:13:58,004 --> 00:14:00,381 Oh, good looks run in the family. 305 00:14:01,382 --> 00:14:02,633 Can I get you ladies a drink? 306 00:14:02,717 --> 00:14:04,469 -Cosmopolitan. -Ditto. 307 00:14:05,011 --> 00:14:06,721 So, how are you enjoying New York? 308 00:14:06,804 --> 00:14:07,805 Excuse us. 309 00:14:10,266 --> 00:14:11,601 Why is she here? 310 00:14:11,684 --> 00:14:12,935 Oh, um... 311 00:14:13,019 --> 00:14:15,813 That's our friend. I believe you remember Samantha? 312 00:14:16,272 --> 00:14:17,398 But... 313 00:14:17,482 --> 00:14:19,108 I mean, you know how she gets. Like, look! 314 00:14:19,192 --> 00:14:20,318 She's doing it already. 315 00:14:20,401 --> 00:14:22,028 What? They're talking. 316 00:14:23,738 --> 00:14:24,614 Hey. 317 00:14:24,697 --> 00:14:25,948 -Thank you. -Samantha says 318 00:14:26,032 --> 00:14:27,617 there's a great jazz bar that we should go to. 319 00:14:28,076 --> 00:14:29,744 Oh, I... I... 320 00:14:29,911 --> 00:14:31,913 I just don't think I'm up for it tonight. 321 00:14:31,996 --> 00:14:33,539 Well, then maybe we'll just go. 322 00:14:36,584 --> 00:14:38,878 Talking and going to hear jazz. 323 00:14:41,005 --> 00:14:44,217 I think I have your son's slinky embedded in my back. 324 00:14:46,219 --> 00:14:48,554 Well, I like to brand my women. 325 00:14:51,849 --> 00:14:54,727 I'm going to use the bathroom, and then I really will go. 326 00:15:05,363 --> 00:15:06,989 -Daddy? -No, Simon! 327 00:15:07,073 --> 00:15:09,367 Ow! Daddy! 328 00:15:09,450 --> 00:15:11,077 - Simon? -Shit. 329 00:15:13,621 --> 00:15:16,791 I'm sorry, I was peeing and I didn't want him to see me. 330 00:15:18,459 --> 00:15:20,378 I was afraid he'd see me and the next thing you know, 331 00:15:20,461 --> 00:15:22,755 he'd be drawing pictures for a child psychologist 332 00:15:22,839 --> 00:15:24,424 and then nobody's happy, right? 333 00:15:24,507 --> 00:15:25,716 I'll get a Band-Aid, huh? 334 00:15:25,800 --> 00:15:27,718 He's hurt. I think he might need a stitch. 335 00:15:27,802 --> 00:15:29,387 I'll go with you to the emergency room. 336 00:15:29,470 --> 00:15:30,596 No! 337 00:15:31,347 --> 00:15:32,723 Just go. 338 00:15:33,433 --> 00:15:34,434 Please. 339 00:15:35,143 --> 00:15:36,227 Just... 340 00:15:36,644 --> 00:15:37,562 go. 341 00:15:38,312 --> 00:15:40,148 One thing about families. 342 00:15:40,231 --> 00:15:44,193 If no one's sorry to see you go, then you're probably not coming back. 343 00:15:45,403 --> 00:15:48,406 The next morning, Charlotte was in for a rude awakening. 344 00:15:48,489 --> 00:15:50,950 Oh, honey, where do you keep your coffee filters? 345 00:15:51,492 --> 00:15:52,452 Uh... 346 00:15:52,743 --> 00:15:54,662 Just tell me if I'm warm. 347 00:15:56,372 --> 00:15:57,457 My brother? 348 00:15:57,915 --> 00:15:59,500 You slept with my brother? 349 00:15:59,584 --> 00:16:03,629 Oh, honey, what a doll. I mean, he really-- 350 00:16:03,713 --> 00:16:06,007 Is your vagina in the New York City guidebooks? 351 00:16:06,090 --> 00:16:08,426 Because it should be, it's the hottest spot in town! 352 00:16:08,509 --> 00:16:09,677 It's always open! 353 00:16:17,185 --> 00:16:18,311 What's going on? 354 00:16:23,608 --> 00:16:24,942 What did you say? 355 00:16:25,026 --> 00:16:27,069 She was in my kitchen, she was wearing your shirt, I... 356 00:16:27,153 --> 00:16:28,070 I snapped. 357 00:16:28,321 --> 00:16:30,490 Who asked you to butt your nose into my... 358 00:16:30,573 --> 00:16:31,741 Samantha, wait! 359 00:16:31,824 --> 00:16:32,992 Samantha, don't go! 360 00:16:34,744 --> 00:16:35,870 Wesley! 361 00:16:37,121 --> 00:16:39,540 I didn't know your mom was nominated for an Oscar. 362 00:16:39,916 --> 00:16:41,876 Mmm-hmm. Best documentary short. 363 00:16:43,544 --> 00:16:47,048 I just love that she still has so many ambitions for herself. 364 00:16:48,883 --> 00:16:51,511 I'm not really in the mood to talk about my mom. 365 00:16:53,387 --> 00:16:55,681 I'm not really in the mood to talk at all. 366 00:17:07,193 --> 00:17:10,530 Uh! Don't touch it. Don't touch it! 367 00:17:31,676 --> 00:17:32,802 So, 368 00:17:32,885 --> 00:17:34,887 what was the documentary short about, anyway? 369 00:17:39,058 --> 00:17:40,560 Oh, good, you're back. 370 00:17:41,102 --> 00:17:43,896 Charlotte, I swear to God, if you hand me a muffin, 371 00:17:43,980 --> 00:17:45,731 -I'm out of here. -Honey, 372 00:17:46,399 --> 00:17:47,775 you don't know Samantha. 373 00:17:47,858 --> 00:17:49,819 I do. She has so many notches on her bedpost, 374 00:17:49,902 --> 00:17:52,154 it's practically whittled down to a toothpick. 375 00:17:52,238 --> 00:17:53,489 It was fun. 376 00:17:54,156 --> 00:17:56,450 I know, I know, you had your little fling and... 377 00:17:56,534 --> 00:17:59,036 Now you can go back to Leslie and you can work it out, right? 378 00:17:59,120 --> 00:18:00,538 We're not working it out. 379 00:18:00,955 --> 00:18:02,957 You think you know Wesley and Leslie? 380 00:18:03,040 --> 00:18:05,501 Let me tell you about Wesley and Leslie. 381 00:18:05,876 --> 00:18:07,169 Leslie's frigid. 382 00:18:07,253 --> 00:18:10,381 And before last night, Wesley hadn't gotten laid in two years. 383 00:18:10,464 --> 00:18:11,507 Oh, my God. 384 00:18:11,591 --> 00:18:13,092 I think I was going out of my mind. 385 00:18:13,175 --> 00:18:14,969 I've seen a pastor, I've seen a shrink. 386 00:18:15,052 --> 00:18:18,389 But until I saw Samantha, I didn't realize what I really needed. 387 00:18:18,764 --> 00:18:20,141 Sex. 388 00:18:20,224 --> 00:18:21,350 So, it was a good thing. 389 00:18:21,434 --> 00:18:23,269 It was a freaking great thing. 390 00:18:24,103 --> 00:18:25,229 That Samantha... 391 00:18:26,063 --> 00:18:28,107 You've really got a good friend there. 392 00:18:37,283 --> 00:18:38,326 It's Charlotte. 393 00:18:43,497 --> 00:18:46,167 That was a terrible thing I said. 394 00:18:46,500 --> 00:18:47,501 Yes, it was. 395 00:18:47,918 --> 00:18:50,504 Now, if you'll excuse me, I have another tour group 396 00:18:50,588 --> 00:18:52,506 coming through my vagina in ten minutes. 397 00:18:52,590 --> 00:18:54,008 And I'm so sorry. 398 00:18:54,508 --> 00:18:56,093 You said what you came to say? 399 00:18:56,177 --> 00:18:57,136 Wait! 400 00:19:00,181 --> 00:19:01,641 I wanted to give you this. 401 00:19:06,646 --> 00:19:08,481 Samantha was touched. 402 00:19:08,981 --> 00:19:10,524 -Come here. -Oh... 403 00:19:10,608 --> 00:19:13,027 She realized this was Charlotte's way of saying, 404 00:19:13,110 --> 00:19:15,279 "Thank you for fucking my brother." 405 00:19:15,363 --> 00:19:16,822 -Get in there. -Ah! 406 00:19:20,201 --> 00:19:23,037 Hey, kids, Funtastics on three. 407 00:19:25,122 --> 00:19:28,376 And Miranda decided she had ceded enough territory 408 00:19:28,459 --> 00:19:29,752 to the invading troops. 409 00:19:31,587 --> 00:19:34,173 Oh, do you mind? He really loves to push the button. 410 00:19:34,632 --> 00:19:35,591 Yeah? 411 00:19:36,509 --> 00:19:37,510 So do I. 412 00:19:44,100 --> 00:19:47,061 That is so sexy. 413 00:19:48,145 --> 00:19:49,355 You in bed, 414 00:19:49,689 --> 00:19:50,690 with my book. 415 00:19:52,149 --> 00:19:54,193 It's really great. 416 00:19:58,614 --> 00:20:00,324 Ah. Do that again. 417 00:20:00,700 --> 00:20:03,077 What? Turn the page? 418 00:20:05,162 --> 00:20:07,039 Oh, baby. 419 00:20:11,836 --> 00:20:12,878 Again. 420 00:20:18,259 --> 00:20:20,678 Okay, wait, wait, wait. Stop, stop. 421 00:20:22,179 --> 00:20:25,015 Let's just take this nice and slow. 422 00:20:26,058 --> 00:20:29,228 And you tell me if you're feeling too excited 423 00:20:29,645 --> 00:20:31,564 and we'll take a little break. 424 00:20:32,314 --> 00:20:33,399 Why? 425 00:20:33,899 --> 00:20:37,278 Because I think we both really want this to work. 426 00:20:38,404 --> 00:20:39,447 I mean... 427 00:20:40,823 --> 00:20:43,826 I love that you get so turned on by me, 428 00:20:44,285 --> 00:20:47,455 and I am very turned on by you and... 429 00:20:47,705 --> 00:20:51,167 maybe we've just been in too much of a rush. 430 00:20:51,500 --> 00:20:52,501 Okay. 431 00:20:53,127 --> 00:20:54,295 Forget it. 432 00:20:54,378 --> 00:20:57,465 No, I don't want to forget it. Hey, come here. 433 00:20:58,048 --> 00:21:00,217 -Let's talk about it. -No! 434 00:21:00,551 --> 00:21:01,886 I don't want to talk about it. 435 00:21:01,969 --> 00:21:03,971 Well, I think we have to. 436 00:21:04,054 --> 00:21:05,473 Why does everything have to be about sex! 437 00:21:05,556 --> 00:21:07,850 I am so sick of talking about sex. 438 00:21:07,933 --> 00:21:09,935 I've been talking about it since I was two! 439 00:21:11,520 --> 00:21:12,772 So, let's go. 440 00:21:13,939 --> 00:21:15,399 My parents are expecting us. 441 00:21:18,778 --> 00:21:21,447 Duncan and I went down to the Neil Simon Theatre 442 00:21:21,739 --> 00:21:24,325 -and spent $65-- - Seventy-five. 443 00:21:24,533 --> 00:21:27,828 ...to see a British movie star simulate a blow job. 444 00:21:27,912 --> 00:21:30,206 I wonder if that's what Neil had in mind. 445 00:21:31,207 --> 00:21:32,708 Did she show her tits? 446 00:21:33,000 --> 00:21:34,001 No. 447 00:21:34,210 --> 00:21:35,628 How's the pickled herring? 448 00:21:35,836 --> 00:21:37,254 It's very good. 449 00:21:37,338 --> 00:21:40,341 Franny tells me that you two are going camping this weekend. 450 00:21:40,841 --> 00:21:42,593 Where's the scallion cream cheese? 451 00:21:42,676 --> 00:21:44,637 Oh, it's out there on the table. 452 00:21:46,180 --> 00:21:47,181 I don't see it. 453 00:21:47,890 --> 00:21:49,683 Well, then check the refrigerator. 454 00:21:51,894 --> 00:21:53,479 Why is he so edgy? 455 00:21:54,355 --> 00:21:55,481 I have no idea. 456 00:21:55,564 --> 00:21:57,775 Don't let him pull that moody shit on you. 457 00:21:57,858 --> 00:21:59,276 I know, it's such a pose. 458 00:21:59,360 --> 00:22:00,986 The minute he got published, he's suddenly this quote, 459 00:22:01,070 --> 00:22:02,363 "tortured artist." 460 00:22:03,364 --> 00:22:04,949 Where's the cream cheese? 461 00:22:05,032 --> 00:22:06,575 It's out there. 462 00:22:18,629 --> 00:22:20,673 What's the point of buying all this shit if you can't remember 463 00:22:20,756 --> 00:22:22,883 the one fucking thing that holds it all together? 464 00:22:23,092 --> 00:22:24,009 Vaughn, 465 00:22:24,426 --> 00:22:26,512 let's deal with what's really upsetting you. 466 00:22:26,887 --> 00:22:28,180 Hmm, shall we? 467 00:22:28,347 --> 00:22:29,473 Okay. 468 00:22:29,682 --> 00:22:31,141 If you have to have everything out on the table, 469 00:22:31,225 --> 00:22:33,853 why don't we start with some scallion cream cheese? 470 00:22:36,605 --> 00:22:38,065 Jenna and I looked at each other 471 00:22:38,148 --> 00:22:40,359 like two foreigners without visas. 472 00:22:42,236 --> 00:22:43,404 Well, I'm... 473 00:22:44,280 --> 00:22:46,323 You know what, I think I'd better go. 474 00:22:46,407 --> 00:22:47,533 I, um... 475 00:22:47,950 --> 00:22:49,410 I've got a deadline. 476 00:22:52,162 --> 00:22:54,582 So, yeah. I'll go. 477 00:22:54,748 --> 00:22:55,666 Uh... 478 00:22:56,083 --> 00:22:58,127 Thank you for lunch, for everything. 479 00:23:04,091 --> 00:23:05,134 Uh, Carrie! 480 00:23:09,930 --> 00:23:12,683 What happened? Everything was going so well. 481 00:23:13,017 --> 00:23:14,518 It really wasn't. 482 00:23:14,602 --> 00:23:16,020 Okay, I know what it is. 483 00:23:16,103 --> 00:23:18,105 His last girlfriend wasn't as discreet. 484 00:23:18,397 --> 00:23:20,316 I don't even want to get in the irony. 485 00:23:20,399 --> 00:23:21,859 He writes "short stories." 486 00:23:22,276 --> 00:23:23,235 Okay, this has... 487 00:23:23,569 --> 00:23:25,571 This has officially become too weird. 488 00:23:25,654 --> 00:23:28,741 Really? In a situation like this, you gotta laugh. 489 00:23:28,949 --> 00:23:30,618 All right, it's a problem. 490 00:23:31,368 --> 00:23:32,369 But... 491 00:23:32,453 --> 00:23:33,829 you'll work it out. 492 00:23:34,705 --> 00:23:35,998 He... 493 00:23:36,081 --> 00:23:38,167 He won't even talk about it. 494 00:23:38,375 --> 00:23:41,629 -You want me to talk to him? -No, no, no. 495 00:23:42,463 --> 00:23:44,715 I can't discuss this with you. 496 00:23:44,798 --> 00:23:45,883 You can! 497 00:23:45,966 --> 00:23:48,260 Carrie, you and I can discuss anything. 498 00:23:48,844 --> 00:23:51,722 So your sex life isn't so great. So what? 499 00:23:52,389 --> 00:23:55,976 77% of all marriages are sexless. 500 00:23:56,268 --> 00:23:58,270 Other things are so much more important. 501 00:23:58,646 --> 00:24:00,481 Like family. 502 00:24:02,066 --> 00:24:04,443 Then I saw that the person I really had to break up with 503 00:24:04,526 --> 00:24:05,861 wasn't Vaughn. 504 00:24:05,945 --> 00:24:07,112 It was his mother. 505 00:24:07,321 --> 00:24:11,325 Wallis, I would still like us to be friends. 506 00:24:12,326 --> 00:24:14,244 No, I mean that. 507 00:24:14,954 --> 00:24:17,623 And what happens when you meet somebody else? 508 00:24:17,873 --> 00:24:20,250 I can tell you right now, they won't have a mother like me. 509 00:24:20,334 --> 00:24:21,710 And you know that. 510 00:24:23,003 --> 00:24:25,839 You know that we have something. 511 00:24:26,423 --> 00:24:28,342 Well, what we have is very special. 512 00:24:32,304 --> 00:24:33,347 All right, well... 513 00:24:34,515 --> 00:24:35,766 All right. 514 00:24:37,643 --> 00:24:39,311 Call me sometime. 515 00:24:40,312 --> 00:24:42,314 -I will. -Sweetie. 516 00:24:47,277 --> 00:24:48,696 Wallis was right. 517 00:24:48,779 --> 00:24:52,032 The most important thing in life is your family. 518 00:24:52,116 --> 00:24:55,285 There are days you love them and others you don't, 519 00:24:55,369 --> 00:24:59,289 but in the end, they're the people you always come home to. 520 00:24:59,373 --> 00:25:01,583 Sometimes it's the family you're born into. 521 00:25:01,667 --> 00:25:05,671 And sometimes, it's the one you make for yourself. 522 00:25:09,258 --> 00:25:10,259 -Carrie! -Hey! 523 00:25:10,342 --> 00:25:11,969 What are you doing here? 524 00:25:12,177 --> 00:25:13,345 -Hey! -Come here!