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Everyone has a worst nightmare.
2
00:00:54,638 --> 00:00:56,974
For some, it's bathing suit season.
3
00:00:57,057 --> 00:00:58,684
For others, it's knowing
your birth certificate
4
00:00:58,767 --> 00:01:00,602
can never be legally destroyed.
5
00:01:01,311 --> 00:01:02,479
For Miranda,
6
00:01:02,563 --> 00:01:04,731
it was family hour at her gym.
7
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Hey! What the--
8
00:01:13,240 --> 00:01:16,577
Kiddie Jazzercise, Aerobics room one,
9
00:01:16,660 --> 00:01:17,661
five minutes.
10
00:01:18,120 --> 00:01:19,663
On Sundays,
her whole neighborhood
11
00:01:19,746 --> 00:01:22,833
became occupied territory,
under siege to children.
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They were everywhere.
13
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Movie theaters, restaurants,
bookstores, hair salons...
14
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Starbucks was basically
a stroller parking lot.
15
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Was it too much to hope
for one small space to call her own?
16
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Uh, don't touch it,
don't touch it. Please?
17
00:01:39,224 --> 00:01:40,642
Is there a problem?
18
00:01:40,726 --> 00:01:43,228
No, no, it's just that he really
likes to push the button.
19
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Okay, fine, I'm in kind of a rush.
Push one?
20
00:01:46,273 --> 00:01:47,107
Ah, Simon, see?
21
00:01:47,190 --> 00:01:49,359
This very pretty lady said
that you can push the button.
22
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Ah!
23
00:01:51,653 --> 00:01:52,654
Oh!
24
00:01:53,488 --> 00:01:54,364
So sorry.
25
00:01:54,448 --> 00:01:56,408
I'm sure it's just a phase.
26
00:01:56,491 --> 00:02:01,079
Mmm, yeah. The guilty,
overindulgent phase of a d-i-v-o-r-c-e.
27
00:02:01,538 --> 00:02:02,497
Ah.
28
00:02:05,834 --> 00:02:06,835
Daddy.
29
00:02:06,918 --> 00:02:09,796
Simon, we're not
being very nice to...
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-Miranda.
-Miranda.
31
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Sounds kind of like
a princess name, doesn't it?
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Stop talking.
33
00:02:20,515 --> 00:02:21,767
I'm going to bite you.
34
00:02:22,351 --> 00:02:23,602
Do you want to go
to the toy store later?
35
00:02:23,685 --> 00:02:24,561
Yes.
36
00:02:24,645 --> 00:02:25,729
Well, then, don't bite me.
37
00:02:27,981 --> 00:02:30,901
See, I'm in violation of every
parenting book ever written.
38
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Hmm.
39
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-Do you have kids?
-Uh, no.
40
00:02:35,155 --> 00:02:36,156
Married?
41
00:02:37,908 --> 00:02:40,077
-Well, here we are!
-At last!
42
00:02:42,245 --> 00:02:45,248
Any chance I could persuade you
to take another ride?
43
00:02:53,840 --> 00:02:55,384
His name was Roger Cobb,
44
00:02:55,467 --> 00:02:57,594
and it only took him
another floor and a half
45
00:02:57,678 --> 00:02:59,680
to ask Miranda for her phone number.
46
00:03:00,222 --> 00:03:02,391
The whole thing might
have been very romantic
47
00:03:02,474 --> 00:03:04,476
if Simon hadn't peed in his pants.
48
00:03:04,685 --> 00:03:06,269
I don't wear vintage clothes,
49
00:03:06,353 --> 00:03:08,855
I hate flea markets,
I don't collect antiques,
50
00:03:08,939 --> 00:03:10,941
is it too much to ask that he not be...
51
00:03:11,024 --> 00:03:13,610
-I don't know. Used?
-Okay, before it goes any further,
52
00:03:13,694 --> 00:03:16,488
just make sure his parts
are still under warranty.
53
00:03:16,571 --> 00:03:18,490
-It's like chewing somebody else's gum.
54
00:03:18,573 --> 00:03:20,701
Well, divorced men do come with baggage.
55
00:03:20,784 --> 00:03:23,370
Yeah, baggage is one thing.
But when they come with kids...
56
00:03:23,453 --> 00:03:25,914
Especially kids with bladder
control issues.
57
00:03:26,164 --> 00:03:27,666
-Here's what I think.
-Mmm-hmm?
58
00:03:27,749 --> 00:03:30,168
Round up all the divorced
men and keep them in a pound.
59
00:03:30,711 --> 00:03:33,672
That way, you get their whole history
before you take one home.
60
00:03:33,755 --> 00:03:36,299
Just because a man is divorced
doesn't mean he has a problem.
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Like my brother Wesley.
62
00:03:37,634 --> 00:03:39,261
He's just separated
from his wife, Leslie,
63
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-and he is--
-Eh!
64
00:03:40,846 --> 00:03:42,139
Wesley and Leslie?
65
00:03:42,472 --> 00:03:44,391
-I don't think so.
-What is that?
66
00:03:44,474 --> 00:03:46,226
-Marriage by Mother Goose?
67
00:03:46,309 --> 00:03:48,186
-Definitely a candidate for the pound.
-Mmm.
68
00:03:48,270 --> 00:03:51,523
Okay, I was going to ask you all to meet
him because he's coming to visit me.
69
00:03:51,606 --> 00:03:52,774
And now, forget it.
70
00:03:52,858 --> 00:03:56,486
No, no, no, honey, we want to
meet Wesley of Wesley and Leslie.
71
00:03:56,570 --> 00:03:58,947
And, PS, does he work for Nestlé?
72
00:04:00,449 --> 00:04:01,950
My brother's very important to me,
73
00:04:02,033 --> 00:04:05,662
and I'm not going to have him subjected
to scrutiny and ridicule.
74
00:04:06,329 --> 00:04:07,456
I'll be scrutiny.
75
00:04:07,706 --> 00:04:09,541
-You'll be ridicule.
-I always have to be ridicule.
76
00:04:09,624 --> 00:04:11,460
Why can't you be ridicule for once?
77
00:04:11,543 --> 00:04:12,627
I know.
78
00:04:13,920 --> 00:04:16,840
As for me, rather than sort
through the half-off bin,
79
00:04:16,923 --> 00:04:19,926
I was dating someone brand spanking new.
80
00:04:20,010 --> 00:04:23,221
I met Vaughn Wysel
at a PEN luncheon a month ago.
81
00:04:23,305 --> 00:04:26,475
It's amazing how much better looking
fiction writers have become.
82
00:04:26,558 --> 00:04:28,018
Still up for a movie?
83
00:04:28,101 --> 00:04:30,187
Yeah, I just gotta drop
these books by my parents' place.
84
00:04:30,270 --> 00:04:31,271
It's on the way.
85
00:04:32,939 --> 00:04:34,149
Hey, GQ called.
86
00:04:34,232 --> 00:04:36,109
Really? They want you
to write something?
87
00:04:36,193 --> 00:04:37,986
No, they want me to wear something.
88
00:04:38,528 --> 00:04:39,780
It's so great to be a writer these days.
89
00:04:39,863 --> 00:04:41,448
There's just so little writing involved.
90
00:04:42,073 --> 00:04:44,242
Just don't be photographed
in anything sleeveless.
91
00:04:44,326 --> 00:04:46,620
No one who went sleeveless
ever won a Pulitzer.
92
00:04:47,162 --> 00:04:49,122
It's just a little tip from me to you.
93
00:04:51,416 --> 00:04:53,710
Hey, wow, nice townhouse!
94
00:04:53,794 --> 00:04:55,962
-Come on in, this will only take a sec.
-Oh, no, no. Oh, God.
95
00:04:56,046 --> 00:04:57,464
No, I'm really...
I'm not dressed for family.
96
00:04:57,547 --> 00:04:59,299
Can you just maybe drop them
through the mail slot?
97
00:04:59,716 --> 00:05:01,927
If I'm here and I don't
at least say hello, you know...
98
00:05:02,010 --> 00:05:04,429
I'm looking at two months
minimum hard family time.
99
00:05:04,763 --> 00:05:06,848
All right, all right. Yeah, okay.
100
00:05:07,808 --> 00:05:08,850
Oof.
101
00:05:09,810 --> 00:05:11,269
Thank you.
102
00:05:11,353 --> 00:05:14,815
Mother, I swear, you're the only person
who can kill a cactus.
103
00:05:15,190 --> 00:05:17,234
-Hey, Vaughn.
-Uh, Zoey, this is Carrie.
104
00:05:17,317 --> 00:05:20,070
Tell your sister to stop
bringing me plants.
105
00:05:20,362 --> 00:05:21,905
They get suicidal around me.
106
00:05:21,988 --> 00:05:23,990
I have to talk them down from the ledge.
107
00:05:24,241 --> 00:05:26,201
-Vaughn!
-Those books you asked me to sign.
108
00:05:26,284 --> 00:05:27,828
-Oh, great, dear!
-Yeah.
109
00:05:28,078 --> 00:05:31,456
-Duncan, Vaughn's here!
-Yeah, and he brought a girl!
110
00:05:31,540 --> 00:05:32,666
Well, hi.
111
00:05:32,749 --> 00:05:35,001
-Wallis Wysel.
-Hi.
112
00:05:35,085 --> 00:05:36,378
Say, have we met?
113
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No, no, I don't think so.
Carrie Bradshaw.
114
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Oh, my God!
115
00:05:41,383 --> 00:05:43,260
Duncan, get your ass in here!
116
00:05:43,343 --> 00:05:46,555
I just love, love, love your column.
117
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Oh, well...
118
00:05:47,931 --> 00:05:49,891
I love, love, love to hear that.
119
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Oh, Mom, we can't stay.
120
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The hell you can't!
You know what you should write about?
121
00:05:54,646 --> 00:05:56,398
Re-virginization.
122
00:05:56,690 --> 00:05:59,234
Did you know that there are
women who are actually having
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their vaginas restitched to
make them like-new again?
124
00:06:03,738 --> 00:06:05,031
Well, aren't they clever?
125
00:06:05,115 --> 00:06:07,701
In case you're wondering,
Mom just finished making a documentary
126
00:06:07,784 --> 00:06:09,035
on genital mutilation.
127
00:06:09,119 --> 00:06:11,162
Which I still haven't
gotten your notes on.
128
00:06:11,246 --> 00:06:12,497
Mom, I told you,
129
00:06:12,581 --> 00:06:14,165
I can't bring myself to look
at that fucking thing.
130
00:06:14,249 --> 00:06:17,669
And I typed all his short
stories for him when he was 12.
131
00:06:17,752 --> 00:06:20,213
Duncan, look. Do you know who this is?
132
00:06:20,714 --> 00:06:23,258
Carrie Bradshaw.
She writes that column we love.
133
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What are you doing Thursday night?
134
00:06:25,802 --> 00:06:27,512
Um... laundry.
135
00:06:27,596 --> 00:06:31,224
I teach a seminar at Columbia
on cultural zeitgeist.
136
00:06:31,474 --> 00:06:32,976
I'd love to have you come speak.
137
00:06:33,059 --> 00:06:36,271
Mr. Self-Involved here didn't
tell us he was dating an icon.
138
00:06:36,354 --> 00:06:37,230
Icon?
139
00:06:37,314 --> 00:06:39,441
Oh, you are an icon. You are.
140
00:06:39,733 --> 00:06:41,359
Hey, who brought a girl?
141
00:06:41,443 --> 00:06:43,445
Oh, this is my other sister.
142
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-Franny, this is Carrie.
-Hey, what's up?
143
00:06:46,740 --> 00:06:47,991
Hey, what's up?
144
00:06:48,074 --> 00:06:49,451
-Hey, Mom.
-Hi, sweetie.
145
00:06:49,868 --> 00:06:51,328
Franny and Zoey?
146
00:06:51,703 --> 00:06:52,746
What can I say?
147
00:06:52,829 --> 00:06:54,873
JD Salinger used to get me high.
148
00:06:54,956 --> 00:06:56,875
And then she'd call me at 3:00 a.m.,
149
00:06:56,958 --> 00:06:59,002
"I love you, I love you."
150
00:06:59,127 --> 00:07:00,754
-Good for you, Vaughn.
151
00:07:00,837 --> 00:07:02,839
Beautiful and she thinks I'm funny.
152
00:07:02,923 --> 00:07:03,965
You're hilarious.
153
00:07:04,049 --> 00:07:07,469
Put your tongue back in your head,
and the lox on the table, please.
154
00:07:07,677 --> 00:07:08,929
Come on, everybody, let's...
155
00:07:09,012 --> 00:07:10,472
-have something to eat. Come on!
- Yeah.
156
00:07:10,555 --> 00:07:11,932
Look, we... We have to go.
157
00:07:12,015 --> 00:07:13,016
-Oh, you don't.
-What?
158
00:07:13,099 --> 00:07:14,935
-Why?
-Oh, come on, please!
159
00:07:15,018 --> 00:07:17,187
Sweetie, we can... We'll stay.
160
00:07:17,270 --> 00:07:18,772
Great! Oh, good, thank you!
161
00:07:18,855 --> 00:07:21,691
I mean, really, within
the space of five minutes,
162
00:07:21,775 --> 00:07:23,318
I had next week's column,
163
00:07:23,401 --> 00:07:26,446
an invitation to speak
at an Ivy League university,
164
00:07:26,529 --> 00:07:29,282
and access to the entire
Zabar's fish counter.
165
00:07:29,866 --> 00:07:31,576
Leave now? Was he nuts?
166
00:07:31,660 --> 00:07:32,661
Have a napkin.
167
00:07:35,497 --> 00:07:39,250
So, have you ever gone
out with someone who had a kid?
168
00:07:39,334 --> 00:07:41,419
No, but I've never gone out
with someone I met
169
00:07:41,503 --> 00:07:43,088
on an elevator either, so...
170
00:07:43,171 --> 00:07:44,172
Well, that's a first for me, too.
171
00:07:44,339 --> 00:07:46,675
There was a woman
I met on an escalator once,
172
00:07:46,758 --> 00:07:47,717
but it didn't last long.
173
00:07:47,801 --> 00:07:49,761
It was over by the time
we got to ladies' lingerie.
174
00:07:50,178 --> 00:07:53,181
I dated a man once
who wore ladies' lingerie.
175
00:07:53,264 --> 00:07:55,433
That was kind of the problem there.
176
00:07:55,976 --> 00:07:57,018
I'm kidding.
177
00:07:57,769 --> 00:07:59,270
'Cause I'm wearing panties now.
178
00:08:00,480 --> 00:08:02,232
You're kidding, right?
179
00:08:02,315 --> 00:08:03,650
- Yah!
-Ow!
180
00:08:03,942 --> 00:08:05,110
Daddy, look what I found!
181
00:08:05,193 --> 00:08:07,070
-Can you say you're sorry?
-No!
182
00:08:07,153 --> 00:08:08,613
-No, no, no!
-Are you okay?
183
00:08:08,697 --> 00:08:10,031
Ah...
184
00:08:10,115 --> 00:08:12,575
Fortunately, I mostly use
the right side of my brain.
185
00:08:17,914 --> 00:08:21,084
It must be hard,
having a social life as a single parent.
186
00:08:21,167 --> 00:08:22,210
Well, yeah, it is.
187
00:08:22,335 --> 00:08:24,254
I got to buy protective helmets
for all my dates.
188
00:08:24,337 --> 00:08:26,214
Yeah! Where's mine by the way?
189
00:08:26,297 --> 00:08:27,716
Oh, truth is, I...
190
00:08:28,133 --> 00:08:30,719
I never really had a great
social life before Simon either.
191
00:08:30,927 --> 00:08:34,222
I'm just one of those
weird male aberrations who...
192
00:08:34,556 --> 00:08:35,807
prefers to be married.
193
00:08:36,683 --> 00:08:39,102
I mean, I like stability.
I like routine.
194
00:08:39,644 --> 00:08:42,022
I like knowing there's people
waiting for me at home.
195
00:08:43,606 --> 00:08:45,358
I guess that makes me sound pretty dull.
196
00:08:45,692 --> 00:08:46,776
-Are you kidding?
197
00:08:46,985 --> 00:08:48,945
You're the heterosexual holy grail.
198
00:08:50,989 --> 00:08:52,782
Miranda began to wonder
how a vintage man
199
00:08:52,866 --> 00:08:55,118
might look on her modern couch.
200
00:08:57,704 --> 00:08:59,164
Here, here, here, here.
201
00:08:59,247 --> 00:09:00,498
-Oh!
-Ah!
202
00:09:00,582 --> 00:09:01,583
Thank you!
203
00:09:02,000 --> 00:09:04,502
Probably not the best time
to ask you to dinner, huh?
204
00:09:04,586 --> 00:09:07,130
While Miranda was
dealing with queasiness,
205
00:09:07,213 --> 00:09:09,340
Charlotte was handling depression.
206
00:09:09,424 --> 00:09:12,385
Which, of course, she felt
could be solved with a homemade muffin.
207
00:09:12,469 --> 00:09:14,554
There you go! Just like Nana
used to make.
208
00:09:15,013 --> 00:09:16,222
Charlie, the muffins are great.
209
00:09:16,306 --> 00:09:18,558
But I'd much prefer a nice dry Martini.
210
00:09:19,017 --> 00:09:21,686
But Nana always made
muffins to cheer you up.
211
00:09:21,770 --> 00:09:23,146
Well, that was pre-Leslie.
212
00:09:23,229 --> 00:09:26,149
Post-Leslie, I need a cocktail.
Now, where's your vodka?
213
00:09:26,232 --> 00:09:27,400
I don't have any.
214
00:09:27,734 --> 00:09:29,360
And you call yourself a WASP.
215
00:09:29,819 --> 00:09:31,946
I don't see why you two
can't work it out,
216
00:09:32,030 --> 00:09:33,990
you had the most beautiful wedding.
217
00:09:34,074 --> 00:09:35,867
And we're going to have
an even lovelier divorce.
218
00:09:35,950 --> 00:09:39,204
I can't believe you're willing
to just throw it all away so easily.
219
00:09:39,287 --> 00:09:41,164
I mean, relationships take work.
220
00:09:41,247 --> 00:09:43,833
You need patience and understanding.
221
00:09:44,125 --> 00:09:47,253
Charlotte, when was your last
long-term relationship?
222
00:09:49,631 --> 00:09:51,007
Oh, just eat your muffin.
223
00:10:00,850 --> 00:10:04,104
The afternoon had been
like six hours of foreplay.
224
00:10:08,942 --> 00:10:12,112
Some men seduce with dim
lights and soft music...
225
00:10:13,530 --> 00:10:16,950
Vaughn seduced with chocolate
chip cookies and relatives.
226
00:10:20,036 --> 00:10:21,955
It was inevitable this would happen.
227
00:10:28,086 --> 00:10:30,630
I just didn't know
it would happen so quickly.
228
00:10:32,674 --> 00:10:33,675
Uh...
229
00:10:34,217 --> 00:10:35,718
Um, I'll get a tissue.
230
00:10:47,313 --> 00:10:49,732
Get out now,
before he stains all your sheets.
231
00:10:49,816 --> 00:10:51,526
Oh, come on, that's harsh.
232
00:10:51,609 --> 00:10:53,069
It could be he was just nervous.
233
00:10:53,153 --> 00:10:54,320
The first time is always weird.
234
00:10:54,404 --> 00:10:55,822
And he'd probably
had something to drink.
235
00:10:55,905 --> 00:10:57,949
And we'd just spent
the whole day with his family.
236
00:10:58,032 --> 00:11:01,327
Look, the guy could not get
his Cadillac into the garage.
237
00:11:01,411 --> 00:11:04,164
Honey, I'm sorry,
I hate being right about this.
238
00:11:04,414 --> 00:11:07,292
Samantha was
the General Patton of sex.
239
00:11:07,375 --> 00:11:09,377
She didn't like sending
her troops into battle
240
00:11:09,460 --> 00:11:10,712
if she thought they would lose.
241
00:11:11,045 --> 00:11:12,672
-I like him.
-Well, that's real swell,
242
00:11:12,755 --> 00:11:14,841
but it still doesn't get
the cream in the cupcake.
243
00:11:15,049 --> 00:11:17,385
But the thing I like best
about him is his family.
244
00:11:17,468 --> 00:11:19,179
Mmm, anyone there you can fuck?
245
00:11:20,430 --> 00:11:22,432
What? I'm trying to be helpful.
246
00:11:22,515 --> 00:11:24,809
I'm telling you, this family is like...
247
00:11:25,810 --> 00:11:27,020
They've got charisma!
248
00:11:27,353 --> 00:11:29,647
Like Tom Cruise,
they're the Tom Cruise of families.
249
00:11:29,731 --> 00:11:32,442
I'm pretty sure the family is
supposed to be the obstacle
250
00:11:32,525 --> 00:11:34,485
to a relationship, not the attraction.
251
00:11:34,569 --> 00:11:37,238
I fucked a guy once
because his family had a pool.
252
00:11:37,530 --> 00:11:39,115
He was pretty much of a nerd, but,
253
00:11:39,199 --> 00:11:41,910
I'd go over there and get
all cocoa-buttered up.
254
00:11:41,993 --> 00:11:43,244
His mom loved me.
255
00:11:43,328 --> 00:11:45,330
She was always serving me
Kool-Aid and chips.
256
00:11:45,413 --> 00:11:46,831
-Kool-Aid?
-Mmm, yeah!
257
00:11:46,915 --> 00:11:50,877
Kool-Aid! I was 13 and, honey,
you should've seen my tan.
258
00:11:52,212 --> 00:11:55,757
In my mind, the complications
of making a relationship work
259
00:11:55,840 --> 00:11:58,134
had just expanded exponentially.
260
00:11:58,843 --> 00:12:00,136
When you date someone,
261
00:12:00,261 --> 00:12:03,139
how many people become
emotionally involved?
262
00:12:03,514 --> 00:12:06,935
When you sleep with someone,
are you screwing the family?
263
00:12:08,394 --> 00:12:10,688
While I was still on the fence
about my feelings for Vaughn,
264
00:12:10,772 --> 00:12:13,733
I had no doubt about
my feeling for his mother.
265
00:12:13,816 --> 00:12:15,193
I was in love with her.
266
00:12:15,276 --> 00:12:18,613
Then we were in Nicaragua
with the Peace Corps.
267
00:12:18,696 --> 00:12:20,073
That's where Vaughn was born.
268
00:12:20,573 --> 00:12:23,910
I can't get over it!
You've had, like, five lives.
269
00:12:24,118 --> 00:12:25,870
I can barely make one happen.
270
00:12:25,954 --> 00:12:29,874
Oh, don't pull that self-effacing
shit with me, Carrie.
271
00:12:29,958 --> 00:12:33,378
I see you. I know what you've got going.
272
00:12:33,461 --> 00:12:34,796
What? What do I do?
273
00:12:34,879 --> 00:12:37,590
-I write this little column.
-It's a contribution.
274
00:12:37,799 --> 00:12:40,426
I mean, you are putting it
out there. You...
275
00:12:40,802 --> 00:12:42,428
You're part of a dialogue.
276
00:12:42,512 --> 00:12:45,765
I mean, if it wasn't for you,
we wouldn't know half the things we do
277
00:12:45,848 --> 00:12:47,767
about other people's sex lives.
278
00:12:48,268 --> 00:12:50,061
Well, thanks a lot.
279
00:12:50,144 --> 00:12:51,354
I'm teasing.
280
00:12:51,437 --> 00:12:52,605
Oh!
281
00:12:52,855 --> 00:12:56,734
No, no. It's wonderful to be
frank and honest about sex.
282
00:12:56,818 --> 00:13:01,239
That's how I raised my kids. I mean,
sex was always a part of the discussion.
283
00:13:01,572 --> 00:13:03,074
When they were two years old,
284
00:13:03,157 --> 00:13:06,035
they knew the proper names
for their body parts.
285
00:13:06,286 --> 00:13:09,330
None of this pee-pee
and wee-wee crap, no, no.
286
00:13:09,664 --> 00:13:13,167
And as result, do you know,
they can talk to me about anything.
287
00:13:13,584 --> 00:13:16,212
When Franny told me
she was a lesbian, I said,
288
00:13:16,296 --> 00:13:18,965
"Great, just as long
as you're not a Republican."
289
00:13:20,091 --> 00:13:21,509
May I just say,
290
00:13:22,176 --> 00:13:23,845
I like you very much.
291
00:13:23,928 --> 00:13:25,930
Oh, that's dear, thank you.
292
00:13:28,808 --> 00:13:30,393
So, did you talk to Leslie today?
293
00:13:30,727 --> 00:13:31,853
No, but I talked to her lawyer.
294
00:13:31,936 --> 00:13:33,354
Do you want to know all about that?
295
00:13:33,438 --> 00:13:35,940
I'm giving her the house
and she's giving me an ulcer.
296
00:13:36,482 --> 00:13:39,193
Okay, okay, I'm sorry I brought it up.
297
00:13:39,277 --> 00:13:40,403
Tonight we'll have fun.
298
00:13:40,486 --> 00:13:41,904
You'll finally meet my friend Carrie,
299
00:13:41,988 --> 00:13:44,198
we'll go out, have dinner,
maybe we'll go to a club...
300
00:13:44,657 --> 00:13:45,825
Shit.
301
00:13:48,703 --> 00:13:50,038
-Hi.
-Hello.
302
00:13:51,205 --> 00:13:55,793
Carrie, Samantha,
this is my wonderful brother, Wesley.
303
00:13:55,918 --> 00:13:57,920
-Hi.
-Hi, Nice to meet you.
304
00:13:58,004 --> 00:14:00,381
Oh, good looks run in the family.
305
00:14:01,382 --> 00:14:02,633
Can I get you ladies a drink?
306
00:14:02,717 --> 00:14:04,469
-Cosmopolitan.
-Ditto.
307
00:14:05,011 --> 00:14:06,721
So, how are you enjoying New York?
308
00:14:06,804 --> 00:14:07,805
Excuse us.
309
00:14:10,266 --> 00:14:11,601
Why is she here?
310
00:14:11,684 --> 00:14:12,935
Oh, um...
311
00:14:13,019 --> 00:14:15,813
That's our friend.
I believe you remember Samantha?
312
00:14:16,272 --> 00:14:17,398
But...
313
00:14:17,482 --> 00:14:19,108
I mean, you know how she gets.
Like, look!
314
00:14:19,192 --> 00:14:20,318
She's doing it already.
315
00:14:20,401 --> 00:14:22,028
What? They're talking.
316
00:14:23,738 --> 00:14:24,614
Hey.
317
00:14:24,697 --> 00:14:25,948
-Thank you.
-Samantha says
318
00:14:26,032 --> 00:14:27,617
there's a great jazz bar
that we should go to.
319
00:14:28,076 --> 00:14:29,744
Oh, I... I...
320
00:14:29,911 --> 00:14:31,913
I just don't think
I'm up for it tonight.
321
00:14:31,996 --> 00:14:33,539
Well, then maybe we'll just go.
322
00:14:36,584 --> 00:14:38,878
Talking and going to hear jazz.
323
00:14:41,005 --> 00:14:44,217
I think I have your son's
slinky embedded in my back.
324
00:14:46,219 --> 00:14:48,554
Well, I like to brand my women.
325
00:14:51,849 --> 00:14:54,727
I'm going to use the bathroom,
and then I really will go.
326
00:15:05,363 --> 00:15:06,989
-Daddy?
-No, Simon!
327
00:15:07,073 --> 00:15:09,367
Ow! Daddy!
328
00:15:09,450 --> 00:15:11,077
- Simon?
-Shit.
329
00:15:13,621 --> 00:15:16,791
I'm sorry, I was peeing
and I didn't want him to see me.
330
00:15:18,459 --> 00:15:20,378
I was afraid he'd see me
and the next thing you know,
331
00:15:20,461 --> 00:15:22,755
he'd be drawing pictures for
a child psychologist
332
00:15:22,839 --> 00:15:24,424
and then nobody's happy, right?
333
00:15:24,507 --> 00:15:25,716
I'll get a Band-Aid, huh?
334
00:15:25,800 --> 00:15:27,718
He's hurt.
I think he might need a stitch.
335
00:15:27,802 --> 00:15:29,387
I'll go with you to the emergency room.
336
00:15:29,470 --> 00:15:30,596
No!
337
00:15:31,347 --> 00:15:32,723
Just go.
338
00:15:33,433 --> 00:15:34,434
Please.
339
00:15:35,143 --> 00:15:36,227
Just...
340
00:15:36,644 --> 00:15:37,562
go.
341
00:15:38,312 --> 00:15:40,148
One thing about families.
342
00:15:40,231 --> 00:15:44,193
If no one's sorry to see you go,
then you're probably not coming back.
343
00:15:45,403 --> 00:15:48,406
The next morning,
Charlotte was in for a rude awakening.
344
00:15:48,489 --> 00:15:50,950
Oh, honey, where do you keep
your coffee filters?
345
00:15:51,492 --> 00:15:52,452
Uh...
346
00:15:52,743 --> 00:15:54,662
Just tell me if I'm warm.
347
00:15:56,372 --> 00:15:57,457
My brother?
348
00:15:57,915 --> 00:15:59,500
You slept with my brother?
349
00:15:59,584 --> 00:16:03,629
Oh, honey, what a doll.
I mean, he really--
350
00:16:03,713 --> 00:16:06,007
Is your vagina in
the New York City guidebooks?
351
00:16:06,090 --> 00:16:08,426
Because it should be,
it's the hottest spot in town!
352
00:16:08,509 --> 00:16:09,677
It's always open!
353
00:16:17,185 --> 00:16:18,311
What's going on?
354
00:16:23,608 --> 00:16:24,942
What did you say?
355
00:16:25,026 --> 00:16:27,069
She was in my kitchen,
she was wearing your shirt, I...
356
00:16:27,153 --> 00:16:28,070
I snapped.
357
00:16:28,321 --> 00:16:30,490
Who asked you to
butt your nose into my...
358
00:16:30,573 --> 00:16:31,741
Samantha, wait!
359
00:16:31,824 --> 00:16:32,992
Samantha, don't go!
360
00:16:34,744 --> 00:16:35,870
Wesley!
361
00:16:37,121 --> 00:16:39,540
I didn't know your mom
was nominated for an Oscar.
362
00:16:39,916 --> 00:16:41,876
Mmm-hmm. Best documentary short.
363
00:16:43,544 --> 00:16:47,048
I just love that she still has
so many ambitions for herself.
364
00:16:48,883 --> 00:16:51,511
I'm not really in the mood
to talk about my mom.
365
00:16:53,387 --> 00:16:55,681
I'm not really in the mood
to talk at all.
366
00:17:07,193 --> 00:17:10,530
Uh! Don't touch it. Don't touch it!
367
00:17:31,676 --> 00:17:32,802
So,
368
00:17:32,885 --> 00:17:34,887
what was the documentary
short about, anyway?
369
00:17:39,058 --> 00:17:40,560
Oh, good, you're back.
370
00:17:41,102 --> 00:17:43,896
Charlotte, I swear to God,
if you hand me a muffin,
371
00:17:43,980 --> 00:17:45,731
-I'm out of here.
-Honey,
372
00:17:46,399 --> 00:17:47,775
you don't know Samantha.
373
00:17:47,858 --> 00:17:49,819
I do. She has so many notches
on her bedpost,
374
00:17:49,902 --> 00:17:52,154
it's practically whittled
down to a toothpick.
375
00:17:52,238 --> 00:17:53,489
It was fun.
376
00:17:54,156 --> 00:17:56,450
I know, I know, you had
your little fling and...
377
00:17:56,534 --> 00:17:59,036
Now you can go back to Leslie
and you can work it out, right?
378
00:17:59,120 --> 00:18:00,538
We're not working it out.
379
00:18:00,955 --> 00:18:02,957
You think you know Wesley and Leslie?
380
00:18:03,040 --> 00:18:05,501
Let me tell you about Wesley and Leslie.
381
00:18:05,876 --> 00:18:07,169
Leslie's frigid.
382
00:18:07,253 --> 00:18:10,381
And before last night,
Wesley hadn't gotten laid in two years.
383
00:18:10,464 --> 00:18:11,507
Oh, my God.
384
00:18:11,591 --> 00:18:13,092
I think I was going out of my mind.
385
00:18:13,175 --> 00:18:14,969
I've seen a pastor, I've seen a shrink.
386
00:18:15,052 --> 00:18:18,389
But until I saw Samantha,
I didn't realize what I really needed.
387
00:18:18,764 --> 00:18:20,141
Sex.
388
00:18:20,224 --> 00:18:21,350
So, it was a good thing.
389
00:18:21,434 --> 00:18:23,269
It was a freaking great thing.
390
00:18:24,103 --> 00:18:25,229
That Samantha...
391
00:18:26,063 --> 00:18:28,107
You've really got a good friend there.
392
00:18:37,283 --> 00:18:38,326
It's Charlotte.
393
00:18:43,497 --> 00:18:46,167
That was a terrible thing I said.
394
00:18:46,500 --> 00:18:47,501
Yes, it was.
395
00:18:47,918 --> 00:18:50,504
Now, if you'll excuse me,
I have another tour group
396
00:18:50,588 --> 00:18:52,506
coming through my vagina in ten minutes.
397
00:18:52,590 --> 00:18:54,008
And I'm so sorry.
398
00:18:54,508 --> 00:18:56,093
You said what you came to say?
399
00:18:56,177 --> 00:18:57,136
Wait!
400
00:19:00,181 --> 00:19:01,641
I wanted to give you this.
401
00:19:06,646 --> 00:19:08,481
Samantha was touched.
402
00:19:08,981 --> 00:19:10,524
-Come here.
-Oh...
403
00:19:10,608 --> 00:19:13,027
She realized this was
Charlotte's way of saying,
404
00:19:13,110 --> 00:19:15,279
"Thank you for fucking my brother."
405
00:19:15,363 --> 00:19:16,822
-Get in there.
-Ah!
406
00:19:20,201 --> 00:19:23,037
Hey, kids, Funtastics on three.
407
00:19:25,122 --> 00:19:28,376
And Miranda decided
she had ceded enough territory
408
00:19:28,459 --> 00:19:29,752
to the invading troops.
409
00:19:31,587 --> 00:19:34,173
Oh, do you mind?
He really loves to push the button.
410
00:19:34,632 --> 00:19:35,591
Yeah?
411
00:19:36,509 --> 00:19:37,510
So do I.
412
00:19:44,100 --> 00:19:47,061
That is so sexy.
413
00:19:48,145 --> 00:19:49,355
You in bed,
414
00:19:49,689 --> 00:19:50,690
with my book.
415
00:19:52,149 --> 00:19:54,193
It's really great.
416
00:19:58,614 --> 00:20:00,324
Ah. Do that again.
417
00:20:00,700 --> 00:20:03,077
What? Turn the page?
418
00:20:05,162 --> 00:20:07,039
Oh, baby.
419
00:20:11,836 --> 00:20:12,878
Again.
420
00:20:18,259 --> 00:20:20,678
Okay, wait, wait, wait. Stop, stop.
421
00:20:22,179 --> 00:20:25,015
Let's just take this nice and slow.
422
00:20:26,058 --> 00:20:29,228
And you tell me
if you're feeling too excited
423
00:20:29,645 --> 00:20:31,564
and we'll take a little break.
424
00:20:32,314 --> 00:20:33,399
Why?
425
00:20:33,899 --> 00:20:37,278
Because I think we both
really want this to work.
426
00:20:38,404 --> 00:20:39,447
I mean...
427
00:20:40,823 --> 00:20:43,826
I love that you get so turned on by me,
428
00:20:44,285 --> 00:20:47,455
and I am very turned on by you and...
429
00:20:47,705 --> 00:20:51,167
maybe we've just been
in too much of a rush.
430
00:20:51,500 --> 00:20:52,501
Okay.
431
00:20:53,127 --> 00:20:54,295
Forget it.
432
00:20:54,378 --> 00:20:57,465
No, I don't want to forget it.
Hey, come here.
433
00:20:58,048 --> 00:21:00,217
-Let's talk about it.
-No!
434
00:21:00,551 --> 00:21:01,886
I don't want to talk about it.
435
00:21:01,969 --> 00:21:03,971
Well, I think we have to.
436
00:21:04,054 --> 00:21:05,473
Why does everything
have to be about sex!
437
00:21:05,556 --> 00:21:07,850
I am so sick of talking about sex.
438
00:21:07,933 --> 00:21:09,935
I've been talking about it
since I was two!
439
00:21:11,520 --> 00:21:12,772
So, let's go.
440
00:21:13,939 --> 00:21:15,399
My parents are expecting us.
441
00:21:18,778 --> 00:21:21,447
Duncan and I went down
to the Neil Simon Theatre
442
00:21:21,739 --> 00:21:24,325
-and spent $65--
- Seventy-five.
443
00:21:24,533 --> 00:21:27,828
...to see a British movie star
simulate a blow job.
444
00:21:27,912 --> 00:21:30,206
I wonder if that's what
Neil had in mind.
445
00:21:31,207 --> 00:21:32,708
Did she show her tits?
446
00:21:33,000 --> 00:21:34,001
No.
447
00:21:34,210 --> 00:21:35,628
How's the pickled herring?
448
00:21:35,836 --> 00:21:37,254
It's very good.
449
00:21:37,338 --> 00:21:40,341
Franny tells me that you two
are going camping this weekend.
450
00:21:40,841 --> 00:21:42,593
Where's the scallion
cream cheese?
451
00:21:42,676 --> 00:21:44,637
Oh, it's out there on the table.
452
00:21:46,180 --> 00:21:47,181
I don't see it.
453
00:21:47,890 --> 00:21:49,683
Well, then check the refrigerator.
454
00:21:51,894 --> 00:21:53,479
Why is he so edgy?
455
00:21:54,355 --> 00:21:55,481
I have no idea.
456
00:21:55,564 --> 00:21:57,775
Don't let him pull
that moody shit on you.
457
00:21:57,858 --> 00:21:59,276
I know, it's such a pose.
458
00:21:59,360 --> 00:22:00,986
The minute he got published,
he's suddenly this quote,
459
00:22:01,070 --> 00:22:02,363
"tortured artist."
460
00:22:03,364 --> 00:22:04,949
Where's the cream cheese?
461
00:22:05,032 --> 00:22:06,575
It's out there.
462
00:22:18,629 --> 00:22:20,673
What's the point of buying all this shit
if you can't remember
463
00:22:20,756 --> 00:22:22,883
the one fucking thing
that holds it all together?
464
00:22:23,092 --> 00:22:24,009
Vaughn,
465
00:22:24,426 --> 00:22:26,512
let's deal with what's really
upsetting you.
466
00:22:26,887 --> 00:22:28,180
Hmm, shall we?
467
00:22:28,347 --> 00:22:29,473
Okay.
468
00:22:29,682 --> 00:22:31,141
If you have to have
everything out on the table,
469
00:22:31,225 --> 00:22:33,853
why don't we start with some
scallion cream cheese?
470
00:22:36,605 --> 00:22:38,065
Jenna and I
looked at each other
471
00:22:38,148 --> 00:22:40,359
like two foreigners without visas.
472
00:22:42,236 --> 00:22:43,404
Well, I'm...
473
00:22:44,280 --> 00:22:46,323
You know what, I think I'd better go.
474
00:22:46,407 --> 00:22:47,533
I, um...
475
00:22:47,950 --> 00:22:49,410
I've got a deadline.
476
00:22:52,162 --> 00:22:54,582
So, yeah. I'll go.
477
00:22:54,748 --> 00:22:55,666
Uh...
478
00:22:56,083 --> 00:22:58,127
Thank you for lunch, for everything.
479
00:23:04,091 --> 00:23:05,134
Uh, Carrie!
480
00:23:09,930 --> 00:23:12,683
What happened?
Everything was going so well.
481
00:23:13,017 --> 00:23:14,518
It really wasn't.
482
00:23:14,602 --> 00:23:16,020
Okay, I know what it is.
483
00:23:16,103 --> 00:23:18,105
His last girlfriend wasn't as discreet.
484
00:23:18,397 --> 00:23:20,316
I don't even want to get in the irony.
485
00:23:20,399 --> 00:23:21,859
He writes "short stories."
486
00:23:22,276 --> 00:23:23,235
Okay, this has...
487
00:23:23,569 --> 00:23:25,571
This has officially become too weird.
488
00:23:25,654 --> 00:23:28,741
Really? In a situation like
this, you gotta laugh.
489
00:23:28,949 --> 00:23:30,618
All right, it's a problem.
490
00:23:31,368 --> 00:23:32,369
But...
491
00:23:32,453 --> 00:23:33,829
you'll work it out.
492
00:23:34,705 --> 00:23:35,998
He...
493
00:23:36,081 --> 00:23:38,167
He won't even talk about it.
494
00:23:38,375 --> 00:23:41,629
-You want me to talk to him?
-No, no, no.
495
00:23:42,463 --> 00:23:44,715
I can't discuss this with you.
496
00:23:44,798 --> 00:23:45,883
You can!
497
00:23:45,966 --> 00:23:48,260
Carrie, you and I can discuss anything.
498
00:23:48,844 --> 00:23:51,722
So your sex life isn't so great.
So what?
499
00:23:52,389 --> 00:23:55,976
77% of all marriages are sexless.
500
00:23:56,268 --> 00:23:58,270
Other things are so much more important.
501
00:23:58,646 --> 00:24:00,481
Like family.
502
00:24:02,066 --> 00:24:04,443
Then I saw that the person
I really had to break up with
503
00:24:04,526 --> 00:24:05,861
wasn't Vaughn.
504
00:24:05,945 --> 00:24:07,112
It was his mother.
505
00:24:07,321 --> 00:24:11,325
Wallis, I would still
like us to be friends.
506
00:24:12,326 --> 00:24:14,244
No, I mean that.
507
00:24:14,954 --> 00:24:17,623
And what happens when
you meet somebody else?
508
00:24:17,873 --> 00:24:20,250
I can tell you right now,
they won't have a mother like me.
509
00:24:20,334 --> 00:24:21,710
And you know that.
510
00:24:23,003 --> 00:24:25,839
You know that we have something.
511
00:24:26,423 --> 00:24:28,342
Well, what we have is very special.
512
00:24:32,304 --> 00:24:33,347
All right, well...
513
00:24:34,515 --> 00:24:35,766
All right.
514
00:24:37,643 --> 00:24:39,311
Call me sometime.
515
00:24:40,312 --> 00:24:42,314
-I will.
-Sweetie.
516
00:24:47,277 --> 00:24:48,696
Wallis was right.
517
00:24:48,779 --> 00:24:52,032
The most important thing
in life is your family.
518
00:24:52,116 --> 00:24:55,285
There are days you love them
and others you don't,
519
00:24:55,369 --> 00:24:59,289
but in the end, they're the people
you always come home to.
520
00:24:59,373 --> 00:25:01,583
Sometimes it's the family
you're born into.
521
00:25:01,667 --> 00:25:05,671
And sometimes, it's the one
you make for yourself.
522
00:25:09,258 --> 00:25:10,259
-Carrie!
-Hey!
523
00:25:10,342 --> 00:25:11,969
What are you doing here?
524
00:25:12,177 --> 00:25:13,345
-Hey!
-Come here!