When you live in the city that never sleeps,
it comes as a bit of a shock when somehow,
you manage to oversleep.
Oh. Oh. Taxi! Taxi!
Oh, excuse me.
- Oh, Oh, oh, I'm sorry.
Oh, taxi!
Thank you!
Shit!
Sir. Sir, I have to be downtown in 30 minutes.
Thank you.
Keep the change.
-Need a lift?
Excuse me, Hi. Which way to the Stock Exchange?
-There. -Thank you.
Oh, excuse me.
- Step forward. -Okay.
-Stop. Give him the bag.
Oh, here, can you hold that?
-Let's go. Stop. Arms.
-I'm sorry. Oh.
Oh, sir? Sir, can you hurry? I'm here to ring the bell.
-Go right ahead. -Thank you.
Step forward.
All right, you have to put this on. And we gotta hurry up.
Wow.
Today, one of New York's favorite newspapers,
the New York Star is going public.
And here at open trading, is one of its favorite columnists, Carrie Bradshaw.
-Now you can press it. -Okay.
The day after the stock market,
I met the ladies for lunch in the fashionable meat market.
It was so exciting. It almost made me invest in something.
I love the stock market.
A room full of screaming sweaty men, all trying to get it up.
I don't invest anymore. It's too volatile.
Exactly. I want my money right where I can see it. Hanging in my closet.
Actually, your stock is up.
I bought some shares of your newspaper yesterday.
Really? Well, thank you sweetie, was it expensive?
-Oh, no you're cheap. -Well, I never.
- Ladies. -Thank you.
Thank you.
Twenty dollars for a hamburger. Oh, that's reasonable.
Pathetic. When I moved to this neighborhood,
the only thing that cost $20
-was a hand job from a tranny. -Ew.
I'm serious. It's all gotten so sanitary.
I mean no smoking in bars. What's next? No fucking in bars?
Well, first there would have to be a no fucking section.
I mean, just look at this street. Stella McCartney, Alexander McQueen.
The only designer name that belongs in the meat packing district,
is Oscar Mayer.
I never liked his clothes. Too fatty.
But that's what great about New York. There's always a new neighborhood,
a new restaurant.
-A new man. -Oh.
That's right. Friday night, my first official date with Jack Berger.
That is so exciting. Isn't that exciting?
Oh, sure. It's all fun and games till someone has a child.
So, what do you two have planned?
Well, he hasn't said yet,
so many, many outfits need to be scouted.
Oh, you kids today and your dating.
I know. I feel like a girl of 35 again.
-Oh.
Oh, I really like him.
Then you better find out his bottom line right up front.
If Harry had told me that he could only be serious about me if I were Jewish,
I doubt I'd be in my situation.
I don't get it. What kind of man passes up pussy for Purim?
Soup and a tenderloin of pork.
What's with the face?
-I didn't make a face. -I said pork, you went...
It's just I'm confused.
I mean you can order pork
but you can't get serious about a future with me because I'm not Jewish.
And from the meat market, to the marriage market.
Charlotte, it doesn't work that way. I'm not kosher, I'm conservative.
I'm conservative too.
Yeah, well, my conservative doesn't have anything to do with wearing pearls.
Look, I know what you're thinking. Okay?
Why did I let things get this far without talking about this?
Why did I sleep with you? Why did I even kiss you?
-Why did you? -Because I couldn't not kiss you.
Not sleep with you. Not see you.
Believe me, I never thought a shiksa goddess like you
would fall for a putz like me.
You're not a putz.
Do you even know what putz means?
Yes. Shmuck.
Sure you're not Jewish?
Okay.
And from Jewish to Poo-ish.
Um... Miranda. You got a little dootie on your forehead.
What? Where?
Oh, now you got more. The other side.
Which side? How's it-- Well, help!
-It's not funny! Baby wipe me. - Okay.
-"Baby wipe me". -Get it off! I did not say it like that.
Just get it off!
-"Baby wipe me". -Oh, yeah?
-Let's see how you like it. You like it? -No, no.
-You want it on your face? -No, Miranda, Miranda, no.
-Mister, mister, on your face. -Knock it off!
Knock it off!
Brady, help! Tell Mommy to stop chasing Daddy.
What?
I just don't think it's so fucking funny.
You weren't the one with shit on your face.
You were chasing me.
You know, I don't have time for this. I have to get up early.
I don't even know why you're still here. You dropped off the baby hours ago.
I don't have time to stand around while you read the paper and order food in.
Don't you have a life?
Yeah, I got a life.
Bye, Brady.
-Hey. -I'm in love with Steve. Hold this.
Oh, my God, I can't believe it.
Come on, are you seriously telling me you didn't know?
Oh, I knew. I just can't believe you admitted it.
I need a drink. What have you got?
It's 11:30 on a Saturday morning.
Did you not hear me just say I was love with Steve?
I think I got an old bottle of Kahlúa somewhere.
Okay. Hold on there, Brady. Mama needs a cocktail.
Last night we were in the dining room
and we were laughing and all of a sudden,
I looked over at him and I realized we belong together.
-Oh, Miranda. -Yeah.
So I picked a huge fight and threw him out of my apartment.
Good thinking. Okay.
These Triskets have been here since the mid '80s.
I so cannot be in love with Steve. Steve's so is not the guy for me.
Oh... Miranda.
You're right. Steve's so is the guy for me.
No, no, I was just asking if Brady can eat crackers yet.
No. How can I have been wrong all these years?
You weren't wrong. It just took you a while to get here.
So, what are you gonna do?
I don't know. I have a lot invested in this relationship.
Plus, we have the baby.
Yeah, plus you said you were in love with him.
Yeah.
So, how are you gonna tell him?
Maybe I should take him somewhere romantic where I can't start a fight?
Oh, my God, Miranda, do you know what this means?
You're asking Steve out on a date.
- Hi, Samantha. -Hi.
- Looking good, Sam. -Hi.
That night as Samantha walked home,
past her friendly neighborhood bar, the Rampole,
she saw something truly upsetting.
Just what we need. Another Wall Street asshole with money.
Hold the door.
Hi. Thanks.
I live here, see? Here are my keys.
Chip Kilkenny. I just moved in.
-Samantha Jones. 3F. -I'm 4F. You live right under me.
That sounds promising. It's quite a car.
I love a nice hummer. Well, good night.
And uptown, in a slightly less obvious maneuver.
Oh, I'm close.
Oh, honey. Is this whole Jewish thing really that big a deal?
No. No. Oh, God.
No. Oh!
The next morning, bright and early.
-Good morning.
There's a happy face.
I am a happy face. It's a beautiful morning,
and the sun is shining,
and you changed your mind about the Jewish thing.
Whoa, whoa. What? What Jewish thing? When?
Last night. I asked you if it was really that important to you and you said no.
I did?
Yeah. When we were making love, right before you came.
How could you not remember?
Charlotte, honey. I can't remember my own name right before I come.
Well, that's what you said.
Asking me to renounce Judaism during sex is a clear manipulation.
Oh, blah-blah-blah.
Just don't understand why is it so important to you?
I promised my mother I would marry a Jew.
Your mother?
Charlotte had had her fill of potential
husbands and their demanding mothers.
Harry's stock suddenly began to plummet.
Yeah, right before she died.
And just like that, it was up again.
I'm very sorry your mother's no longer with us,
because if she met me--
She'd would fall in love with you like I did and not care?
-Mm-hm. -No. Jews don't think like that.
Keeping tradition alive was very important to her.
She lost family in the Holocaust.
What?
Well, now I can't say anything because you've brought up the Holocaust.
- Hi, it's me. Leave a message.
Hi. It's Jack. Berger. Not Kerouac.
Wanted to clear that up.
So you're probably standing there screening.
Way to play it. I'm a big fan of the screen.
In fact, don't pick up or I'll panic and hang up.
Don't pick up.
I'm not ready for actual voice on voice action.
So I'm jumping right in and suggesting dinner and a movie for the big date.
Everybody's really been loving that movie Craig's Room, so...
Why don't we go and hate it?
Here come the movie times. We have 5:15, we have a 7 o'clock.
And he calculated which times and which theatres would be least crowded,
which says "take charge" yet left the restaurant choice to me, which says,
flexible.
All and all, the perfect machine message.
I think Berger and I are gonna be very happy together.
Oh, I love this time before the first date
when you can make statements like that and almost believe them.
-Why all the drama? -Because I really like him.
And you can imagine what that does to a girl.
Got it. Say no more. Really, say no more.
Oh, and then right after he called, I got a message from this other fella,
who I've known for a year suddenly asking me out on a date
which only proves my theory.
The only thing a girl needs to get a date is another date.
-Your stock is up. -And did you say yes?
No. I already have a date.
Which is why you should say yes to the other one.
I think you're putting on a lot of pressure on this Berger date.
Honey, Charlotte's right. You need to do something to take the edge off.
I'm not going on a simu-date.
Carrie, how many new outfits have you bought for this movie?
-Be honest. -None. Six. All returnable.
All right, maybe just a casual coffee to take the edge off Berger.
Exactly.
Later that day I got to thinking about stock market and dating.
Are they really that different?
If you have a bad stock, you could lose your shirt.
If you have a bad date, you could lose your will to live.
And if the date is good, the stakes get even higher.
After weathering all the ups and downs,
you could one day find yourself with nothing.
So, when it comes to finance and dating,
I couldn't help but wonder,
why do we keep investing?
And speaking of high risk investments.
Hey, it's me. I'm not here. Try me at Scout, 957-7297.
-Don't forget the 212.
Hi, Steve. Hi. Steve.
Um...
I need to talk to you about something.
How about we do it over dinner? How's tomorrow night?
Magda could sit with Brady.
Let me know. Bye.
-Oh, it's Miranda. And... bye.
Miranda feared it was possibly the most imperfect machine message ever.
And Samantha decided to say it with a basket.
Welcome Wagon.
Hi. Excuse the towel. I was just in the shower.
I brought you a basket filled with goodies
to acquaint you with your new neighborhood.
Cheese, prosciutto, condoms, handcuffs.
-Handcuffs? -From the bar next door.
Enjoy.
If I reach for that, my towel will fall.
I'm no fool.
A little while later, Samantha blew Chip, stockbroker.
Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes.
-Now that's what I call eating in.
Look, I never do this but here's a tip.
Elan Pharmaceuticals is gonna go straight through the roof.
Elan Pharmaceuticals.
-Thanks. -No, thank you.
That was the best effing head of my life.
Just like that, their mutual fun,
turned into mutual funds.
Later that week, I met graphic designer, Willie Applegate
for a late afternoon simu-date.
-It's a cute place. -Yeah, I hope it's okay. I didn't know.
But I figured, you know, you can't go wrong with a garden, right?
-Yeah, it's great. -I hope it's okay, yeah.
I didn't know. I just said that.
It suddenly became clear that a simu-date for me
was a first date for him.
Are you looking at my sty?
-Excuse me? -My sty.
I have a sty. See, right here.
I was gonna cancel, but then I thought, "Well, maybe she won't even notice it."
And I-- I didn't even--
-No, I wasn't looking at it. -Oh, oh, that's good.
-Oh. Oh!
-Okay. Wha... what...
-Oh! -What was that?
-Have you ever seen anything like that?
No, I have never.
This is a bad choice of place. I'm sorry.
No, it's fine. It's fun.
It's like cappuccino, wilderness safari.
Ouch. balsamic vinegar in my sty. Ouch.
Oh, God, here. Here. Here you go.
-Ow. -Thanks.
Could this go any worse?
Oh.
What the... what the fuck?
-Whoa! -Oh!
I'm fine. I'm fine. I'm fine. I'm fine.
It was a sudden crash no analyst had seen coming.
And in yet another type of market.
Well, I hope you're happy. Now I'm twice as nervous about my Berger date.
Caring too much is like a disaster magnet.
Poor guy.
Can you catch a sty helping someone up from gravel?
Where's the homeopathic section?
Maybe they make something called sty-be-gone.
Did you know that Elizabeth Taylor converted to Judaism for Eddie Fisher?
I'm thrown by the change of topic but I do appreciate the trivia.
I'm reading her book My Love Affair with Jewelry.
Not surprising.
And she changed her religion for the man she loves.
Yeah, and a big old, honking piece of jewelry.
-Oh, don't be so cynical. -Sorry, it's my potential sty talking.
Love... she did it for love.
Are you thinking of pulling an Elizabeth Taylor?
I need more information.
There's more to being a Jew than jewelry.
Wise words. I'll meet you at the checkout.
Okay.
Ah.
Charlotte wondered just how far she would go for her true love.
Did you know that Elizabeth Taylor converted to Judaism for Eddie Fisher?
No, don't get too excited. We're just trading information here.
Okay, and from a not excited place I ask,
is this something you might consider?
I'm just trying to understand. What's so special about being a Jew?
-I feel like I'm on a game show. -I'm serious.
I mean, If this is really your bottom line,
then you're gonna have to try and give me a reason, aside from your mother,
that I can relate to.
Well...
If we were to get married...
Now, we're just trading information here.
I would want our children to be raised Jewish.
Charlotte realized, it was time to reveal to Harry, her bottom line.
Well if that's really the reason then I have to tell you something.
I...
I may not be able to give you children.
I'm challenged in the reproductive area.
It's not hopeless, but it's difficult.
I guess I should have brought it up sooner, but I never thought we'd even...
-I understand if you-- -Shh. Charlotte.
I love you.
You're the most wonderful thing that could happen to a shmuck like me.
You're not a shmuck.
You're a putz. Seriously, Harry.
You want a family and...
What if I couldn't give that to you?
We'll adopt or something.
-But they wouldn't be your own. -Eh.
What are you gonna do?
Charlotte York was deeply touched by Harry Goldenblatt's humor,
compassion, and acceptance.
"If this is Jewish, " she thought, "That's worth looking into."
Meanwhile, downtown, Samantha had moved her neighbor
from stocks and bonds to stockings and bondage.
-I'm bad.
-Go away, I'm busy.
-Ms. Jones. -Juan.
Who the fuck are you?
FBI. Get dressed. You're under arrest for insider trading.
Turns out, Chip Kilkenny was quite the ladies' man.
And every time a woman went down, the Dow went up.
Ma'am, can you undo your cuffs, so we can use ours?
Surely. All the good ones are getting arrested.
And at a romantic restaurant,
a 37-year-old, single mother found herself on a first date.
You look pretty. You got a date later?
No, it's just the dress.
Jeez Louise, it's dark in here. I can barely read my menu.
We need another candle or something.
I think it's kind of nice.
Um, Steve.
Yeah?
I asked you here because I wanted to explain
why I picked a fight with you last week.
Miranda, I know you. And I know why you picked a fight with me.
-You do? -Yeah.
You're upset because I'm hanging around too much.
You think I'm getting too close.
But you don't have to worry because I just started seeing someone else
and it's going really good, so please, relax.
I'm not in love with you anymore.
All that stuff I said to you about Steve never happened.
Don't mention it to anyone. Don't think about it.
Don't even so much as give me a look like you might be thinking about it.
Like that. That look. I can't ever, never see that look again.
Will you please calm down?
I think you're overreacting to that thing that never happened.
If you think I'm overreacting here, you should be inside my head.
-Miranda, I have to say this next thing
but I will play along and not look at you while I say it.
Maybe if you had told Steve anyway--
Carrie, I swear to God I love you but I will have to kill you.
Brady, come on. Work with mommy here. Please.
I'm sorry but I'm looking and I'm talking.
This is your life. You two have a baby together.
-It's not high school. -Isn't that Berger?
-Oh, God, I look like shit. -You don't look like shit.
I look like shit. This is not my perfect outfit.
-Are you leaving? -Bye.
Oh, God, shit.
I was just entering the safety zone when...
there he was.
My emotional equivalent to the big crash of '29.
Aidan.
- Hey. -Hey.
-Look at you. -Look at you.
-I had a baby. -I have a date.
Well, that's wonderful.
Is this him?
No, this isn't him. This is a stunt baby.
Yeah, it's him. This is the man, Tate.
I call him Tater 'cause he looks like one, you know.
No hair, big eyes.
Yeah. He's cool. Aren't you, Tate?
So, where are you running to?
Uh, home.
So things are good? They look good.
I'm just hanging out in front of this fabric store waiting for Tate's mom.
All right, don't laugh. I married another furniture designer.
-Really? -Yeah. What are you gonna do?
Yep. You can't fight city hall.
Cathy. She's great.
You wanna come and meet her?
Oh, another time.
I really have to run.
-Okay. -Bye, Tate.
Oh, God, Aidan.
It's good to see you.
You, too.
We should get together and have coffee sometime and catch up.
Yeah, great. Okay, we'll do that.
Bye.
There is the type of date you can't wait to keep.
And the type of date you both know...
you'll never keep.
A block later, I realized
if Aidan and I could survive that huge a crash and both get out alive,
there was nothing I could do on a first date
I couldn't bounce back from.
Hey, Berger, it's Carrie.
- Hey! -Yeah, hi, listen.
I'm standing outside the Sony Theater near Lincoln Center
and Craig's Room starts in half an hour.
And there are no lines. Can you go now?
That's so weird. I'm right in that neighborhood.
Really? Huh, must be fate.
-I'll be right there. -Okay. Bye.
-Hey! -Well, this blows.
I had my special outfit all picked out for tonight.
I got the tickets.
All right, then I got the popcorn and the assorted chocolate goodies.
-Are you a candy gal? -I am the candy gal.
-Oh, 'cause I'm the candy man. -Yeah?
No, I am serious. Sammy Davis? Ripped me off.
Yeah, Sammy Davis. You don't feel the need to use the Junior?
No, not at all.
- Really? - Nope.
Don't forget--
And by close of Wall Street that day,
the NASDAQ was down, but amazingly, our stock was still up.