They say it's spring
This feeling light as a feather
They say this thing
This magic we share together
Came with the weather too...
Here are some things I love about New York,
that week in spring when it's warm, but not hot,
and the trees are just beginning to bloom,
men in suits,
three papers and 12 gossip columns,
It's easy for me to say, "I love you, New York."
It's not so easy to say, "I love you, Mr. Big."
The first time I realized I actually loved Big,
was over toast and coffee one morning.
What?
Huh? Oh.
Thanks, honey.
What?
Nothing.
The first time I actually felt like saying it
was the night he took me to the ballet.
And he hates the ballet.
I don't wanna disappoint you.
But I think a couple of those dancers had on wires.
They were not on wires.
Oh, yeah. On a couple of those big leaps, I saw the wires.
You know what?
What?
I love... your hair like that.
Cut it out.
And then there was the time I never expected to say it.
Last Friday night at approximately 7:20 p.m.,
Big was picking me up to take me out to dinner.
Hey, hi.
I just have to, um, change my shoes.
Well, hurry up. We don't wanna be late.
If we grab a cab on Madison, we can be there in five minutes.
Hm.
-Okay. Okay. -Here.
Well, what's this for?
Well, I just saw it and thought of you.
It was just... wrong.
It was wrong.
I didn't know what to say except...
I love you.
You told Big, "I love you" because he gave you that?
What did you think it was, a large diamond duck ring?
I think my mother has one of these in the shape of a squirrel.
Note, I did not say, "I love the purse."
And then what did he say?
Well, he just sort of reacted stunned for a moment and then he said...
Well.
You're welcome. I'll just wait for you outside.
Well, maybe he thought you said, "I love it."
No, it was a very deliberate and distinct "you."
So, he just sort of pretended like you didn't say it?
Yeah, sort of. But we both know I did.
So, now I've laid down the gauntlet.
He either has to say "I love you" back,
or I guess, I'm gonna have to break up with him.
Well, how long are you gonna give him?
Well, I didn't put an expiration date on the sentiment,
but I figure it's got the shelf life of a dairy product,
it's gonna start to curdle in about a week.
You know, it's so interesting.
You can tell a man, "I hate you," you have the best sex of your life.
But tell him, "I love you," you'll probably never see him again.
Well, it's just very-- It's very comforting right now.
Wait a minute. Time out.
Did you ever think that at this very moment,
the man might be trying to find his own way to tell Carrie that he loves her?
Listening to Miranda wax optimistic about love,
was more disorienting than a heat wave in February.
No. No.
But, it seemed that Miranda, formally love's greatest skeptic,
had recently experienced a romantic epiphany.
Go, grab us a seat outside. I'll meet you out there.
Will you let me pay this time?
No, no, no. Your money's no good here. Grab us a bench.
All right.
-How much? -$5.90.
Oh!
She was dating a bartender who worshiped her.
And Miranda was so crazy about him in return
that she let him take her out to dinner.
But only to places she knew he could afford.
- Mm. -Best slices in the city.
-Don't you think? -Mm.
So.
-Saturday. -Mm-hm.
My firm is having its annual dinner thing.
Mm-hm.
And I was wondering if you think that maybe the bar
could spare you for a night, you could be my date.
I warn you, it's gonna be totally boring.
It's not gonna be boring if I'm there with you.
You probably should wear a suit.
Oh!
So it's gonna be a big fancy affair.
-You do have a suit, right? -Sure I do.
It's-- It's really nice. It's gold.
It's gold?
Yeah, you know, corduroy.
What's wrong with corduroy?
I don't have enough time to tell you what's wrong with corduroy.
For the first time, Steve took Miranda back to his place.
So, this is your apartment.
Yeah. You like?
It's sweet.
I modeled it after DeNiro's place in Taxi Driver.
-I'm kidding. -Yeah.
It's cheap and it's near the bar.
And you never have to come here again.
That evening, Miranda experienced
her first pangs of yuppie guilt.
A lot of wonderful artists worked as bartenders for years.
It doesn't mean he won't make money someday.
He's not an artist, slash, bartender.
He's just happy being a bartender, period.
No aspirations beyond shaking the cocktails
and refilling the peanut bowls.
How's he in bed?
There are no words.
Sounds like a dream relationship to me.
Yeah. He can make you cum, and then make you a Cosmopolitan.
Honestly! I don't know how you can get serious with a guy
whose entire future is based on tips?
Wait a minute.
Rich men date not-so-rich women all the time.
I mean, come on. Look at me and Big.
It's not about money, it's about compatibility.
Yeah, but it's normal for the guy to have more money.
-Oh, God! - Oh, come on!
I know lots of women who make more money than their husbands.
You're all missing my point.
None of this matters to me.
I just don't want it to matter to him.
It's like, when single men have a lot of money, it works to their advantage.
But when a single woman has money, it's a problem you have to deal with.
-It's ridiculous! -Mm-hm.
I want to enjoy my success, not apologize for it.
Bravo, honey. Bravo!
But you're talking about more than a difference in income.
You're talking about a difference in background and education.
This guy is working class.
"Working class"?
- Yeah. -It's the Millennium, sweetie.
We don't say things like "working class" anymore.
But you're trying to pretend that we live in a classless society,
and we don't.
Okay, Marie-Antoinette, we get the picture.
Thank you.
You know, she's right.
I'm dating a guy right now, and he's got an actual servant.
-What? -Really?
Yeah.
It seems that Samantha was dating Harvey Terkel,
a real estate investor who had just made a killing in the market
turning Chelsea sweatshops into luxury co-ops for the upwardly trendy.
-Sum is a fantastic cook. -Hm.
You won't eat better Thai food in Bangkok.
More noodle, Mr. Harvey?
Yes, please.
You like spicy like Mr. Harvey, miss?
I love spicy.
Enjoy.
Isn't she the best?
I tell you I could not live without her.
I wondered, was New York really any different from New Delhi?
Had our class system been replaced by a caste system?
And if so, can we date outside our caste?
That night, Big took me out for a romantic dinner.
I could smell it coming,
the way you can smell a thunderstorm right before it hits.
A mere two days after I had said, "I love you, "
Big had found his own way to say "I love you" to me.
You're gonna love this.
It's from a small winery in the heart of Tuscany.
Mm. Delicioso.
I rented a villa there one summer with the ex.
It was incredible.
I've always wanted to go back with someone I actually liked.
Listen, there's something I've been meaning to tell you ever since
the night I gave you the purse.
Yeah?
You can take it back if you don't like it.
That became the first night I wanted to tell Big,
"I hate you."
The next afternoon, Charlotte made the acquaintance
of a member of the very highest caste.
A caste that from coast to coast, rich and poor,
everyone deferred to and honored without question.
The movie star.
Hi.
I'm Charlotte York. I'm the director of the gallery.
Wylie Ford.
Yeah, I know.
How much for this piece?
The fire extinguisher?
Oh. No, no, no.
That's a real fire extinguisher.
You know, like, for the gallery, in case there's a fire.
I guess I'm a total idiot.
Oh, no, no. It happens all the time.
You can have it. Take it.
You could say you got it here at the gallery and...
people will probably think it's a Jeff Koons.
You are adorable.
Hey, what do you think about closing up for the rest of the afternoon?
Man, Charlene, you are so hot.
Can't wait to get you to bed.
Charlotte. My name is Charlotte.
Oh. I prefer Charlene.
Okay.
Man, this champagne is running through me.
Yo, bud, pull over, I need to take a leak.
All right. Sit tight, beautiful.
Okay.
- Hello?
You'll never believe where I am.
I'm in the back of a limo about to go have sex with Wiley Ford.
But where is he now?
He's taking a leak out in the alley, isn't that cute?
Yeah, it's adorable. Now, Charlotte, listen to me,
get out of there immediately.
All my rules just went right out the window.
It's like, he wants me and I have to obey.
Oh! He's zipping up. I gotta go.
- Hey, hey. -Hey, hey.
-Yeah. Come on. -Mm.
While Charlotte began to enjoy the perks of celebrity,
Samantha discovered that Harvey Terkel came with some nice perks of his own.
Now you stay in bed as long as you want.
And Sum will make you breakfast.
Oh, that's really not necessary.
What? No, no, no. Woah. Hey, please, she loves it.
-Do you like fresh orange or grapefruit? -Hm?
-Orange. -Orange.
-Eggs? -Coddled.
-"Coddled."
Coming right up.
-I'll call you. -Mm-hm.
While Samantha didn't believe in having servants,
she realized she had no problem dating a man who did.
She knew it might take some adjusting, but she could get used to this.
Oh. Bye, Sum.
Now, take good care of Samantha.
Bye-bye, Mr. Harvey.
Okay.
Okay, lazy bones, out of bed.
- Excuse me? -Up, up. Must wash sheets.
Hey. Should I have my breakfast in the dining room or--
Breakfast? I got no time to make breakfast.
Got a lot of work to do around here.
It was then that Samantha realized
that Sum was not so servile, after all.
That afternoon, during her lunch break, Miranda took Steve shopping.
-Thank you. -You're welcome.
What do you think?
I think it's kind of frightening how good I look.
It's a beautiful suit.
I think we should take it.
Could you do a cuff with a nice little break?
- Will these be the shoes? -I think we should take the shoes.
Don't you think we should take the shoes?
I guess we're taking the shoes.
Uh-huh, yeah! Just like that.
Jesus! $1,800.
I guess I better not spill anything.
Don't worry. It's my treat.
What?
I invited you to this thing. I want to pay for the suit.
No way, you're not buying me a suit.
But I wanted to do this for you.
Then I start to think of you like my mother
and that can get a little weird for me.
Sorry, sir, it was declined.
-Would you like to try another one? -Why don't you try one of mine?
No, no, no. All right, how about this?
Let's try $800 on the card, I'll write you a check for $1,000
and I'll give you the rest in cash.
Steve, forget it. It's just too expensive.
Would you just let me buy the fucking suit?
That Saturday, Big took me to a cocktail party
at the home of Serena Bush...
Great purse, fabulous.
Careful! White rugs.
An Upper East Side hostess famous for her husband's money
and a close personal friendship with Tina Brown.
I used to know her ten years ago,
when she was famous for her father's money
and a close, personal friendship with her drug dealer.
Oh, God, I hate Park Avenue.
It's like being in a foreign country.
Just think of me as your passport, baby.
As we walked through the room
of women clutching their bejeweled swan, kitten and asparagus purses,
I realized, to my horror, that not only did Big not love me,
he had absolutely no idea who I was.
-Can I get you a drink? -Uh, yeah. Tanqueray and tonic.
Carrie, a drink?
Oh, um...
Uh, red wine, please.
I'm sorry, Ms. Bush doesn't serve any brown food or drink.
Can I get you something clear?
Uh, yeah. Uh...
Vodka on the rocks.
No brown food?
I think we've just encountered a mutant strain of Upper East Side anal.
She's a little strange. I've known her for years, she's okay.
Oh, yeah. I'm sure she's fabulous until you spill something.
It's like she's consciously trying to cultivate an eccentricity,
so people won't notice that she's completely devoid of personality.
Well, don't be a bitch.
I'm not being a bitch, I'm just being myself.
You're being a little bit of a bitch.
Sweetheart!
-Hey! -How are you? It's been forever.
Thank you for having us.
Serena, you know Carrie.
-Yes. -Hey.
Uh, darling, can't smoke in here.
No, no. Uh, terrace.
Then that's where I'll be.
And just like that, I was cast out of the fancy party.
That same evening, Charlotte found herself
the newest member of Wiley Ford's entourage.
When did marijuana become legal in restaurants?
It didn't.
- Here. All right. -Oh. Thank you.
-Here. -Oh. No, thank you.
I don't smoke pot.
-You do now.
You know...
Sum was very rude to me the other morning.
She practically threw me out of bed.
You must've misunderstood.
Her English isn't really that good.
More asparagus, miss?
It was then Samantha realized,
she wasn't so dim, that Sum.
That night, I realized that relationships
had a caste system of their own.
There's the person who says, "I love you."
And there's the person who never responds.
Carrie.
Hey, Jeremiah?
-What are you doing here? -Uh...
Purveying the beverages.
-Just snuck out here to smoke. -Ah! Good.
Are you friends with these people?
Oh, God, no. No.
Yeah, a little uptight.
-What's with the no brown food deal? -Whatever.
Jeremiah was a famous downtown performance artist
who was best known uptown as,
"Hey, kid, let me have another scotch and soda."
We had engaged in a mild flirtation for years.
So, who're you here with?
Oh. Some guy.
Hey! I just got a new tattoo. You want to see it?
-Yeah. Sure. -Yeah?
-Is that real? -Yeah, it's real.
-Wowzah. -Hm.
How far down does that go?
Pretty far.
Check it out.
Oh.
-Holy moly.
-Shit. -Oh.
Excuse me.
Ah, shit.
Uh...
Were you really out there giving the caterer a blow job?
First of all, he's not a caterer.
He's a very well-known performance artist.
Oh.
Well, that didn't answer my question.
Because it was offensive.
Well, whatever you were doing, please stop.
You're embarrassing me.
I'm embarrassing you?
Well, maybe if you'd joined me on the terrace like a gentleman,
we wouldn't be standing here having this conversation.
Let's just go.
No, you go, I'm having a good time.
And across town, Miranda was late for the firm dinner.
Okay.
Why are you dressed like that?
I returned the suit.
Frankly, I couldn't afford it.
Then why didn't you let me pay for it?
Miranda,
you need to be with a guy who's more on your level.
-Steve... -Being in that store with you...
I didn't feel good about myself.
Look, I think you're an incredible lady.
You want to break up with me over a suit?
Fuck the suit.
It's not just the suit.
There's always gonna be things out of my reach.
So, I'm being punished for being successful.
That's not how I mean it.
Got it.
Well.
Thanks for the info and standing me up.
And it's been nice knowing you.
An hour later, adrift in a sea of Italian wool crepe,
Miranda wondered what was really so wrong with corduroy anyway.
In the space of one evening, Charlotte had gone from girlfriend,
to groupie.
Who had the rum and coke?
Listen, Charlene.
I want you to do something for me.
I want you to go to the ladies' room,
stick your finger in your pussy,
come back and let me smell it.
I don't think so.
-Excuse me. -Charlene?
Charlotte realized, another moment at the top,
and she would have become an Untouchable.
- Jeremiah was a bullfrog... - Ba, ba, bam
-Was a good friend of mine -Ba, ba, bam
I never understood a single word he said
But I helped him drink...
After Jeremiah got fired, we celebrated downtown
with a couple of pitchers of Margaritas.
...joy to the world...
Yeah!
All the boys and girls!
Joy to the--
Joy to the fishes in the deep blue--
I don't live here. Woah!
Joy to you and me...
That was the last thing I could remember that night.
If I were the king of the world...
-Mm.
-You just relax. -I will.
-I'm gonna go grab a shower. -Mm-hm.
Excuse me.
Nasty.
Nasty girl.
You dirty cock-sucking whore.
Must wash sheets right away.
-Stop it! Let go. You're crazy!
What's going on out here?
Mr. Harvey.
I'm so sorry.
I just tried to wash the sheets, but that lady hit me.
Oh, come on!
How dare you treat Sum that way.
-Let me explain. - No!
There's no explanation.
Just get out of here.
Samantha realized there was only room
for one woman in Harvey's life.
Sh, sh...
Oh, Jesus.
Hello?
Listen.
I know what you're really pissed off about.
But it's just something I gotta do in my own time.
Okay?
Well, I fucking love you.
All right? You know I do.
-Hey, good morning. - But i-it...
It's just a tough thing for me to say
because it always seems to get me in trouble
when I say it.
Okay?
Okay.
Are we okay?
We're great.
Hey, I love you, too.
I'll call you later, okay?
Did we?
Definitely not.
I didn't think so.
I felt like I was the lowest of the low.
But I never told Mr. Big.
I figured everything before "I love you, "just doesn't count.