1 00:00:49,716 --> 00:00:52,302 They say that if you've lived in New York for ten years, 2 00:00:52,386 --> 00:00:54,471 you can officially call yourself a New Yorker. 3 00:00:55,138 --> 00:00:58,809 But the trained eye can always spot the ones who were born here. 4 00:00:59,393 --> 00:01:02,729 I want it all, I want it now, and I want you to get it for me. 5 00:01:02,813 --> 00:01:04,940 After firing her last two publicists, 6 00:01:05,649 --> 00:01:08,694 Jenny Brier, the daughter of a wealthy New York restaurateur, 7 00:01:08,777 --> 00:01:10,320 had decided that Samantha 8 00:01:10,404 --> 00:01:12,990 would be taking over the PR for her upcoming party. 9 00:01:14,324 --> 00:01:19,329 I want Vanity Fair, Carson Daly, People, Teen People, InStyle, NSYNC-- 10 00:01:19,413 --> 00:01:20,956 Jenny, sweetie. 11 00:01:21,790 --> 00:01:24,835 Don't take this the wrong way, but how old are you? 12 00:01:24,918 --> 00:01:27,379 Hello, it's my bat mitzvah party. I'm 13. 13 00:01:27,462 --> 00:01:31,508 -You're 13 years old? -Duh! And what are you, like, 45? 14 00:01:31,592 --> 00:01:34,720 And just like that, the meeting was officially over. 15 00:01:34,803 --> 00:01:38,181 -I'm sorry, I don't do kids' parties. 16 00:01:38,265 --> 00:01:41,602 Sweetie, my father has invited over 300 17 00:01:41,685 --> 00:01:43,395 of his most powerful friends to this event. 18 00:01:44,021 --> 00:01:46,898 They're not all coming. The Clintons can't make it, of course. 19 00:01:46,982 --> 00:01:49,484 Like I told Daddy, we'll be lucky if we can swing this for under a mil. 20 00:01:50,235 --> 00:01:52,613 But what do I know? I'm just a kid. 21 00:01:55,824 --> 00:01:57,242 We'll never get NSYNC. 22 00:01:59,620 --> 00:02:03,206 After meeting her new client, Samantha met Charlotte, Miranda and me 23 00:02:03,290 --> 00:02:05,584 for the latest trend in Manhattan power lunching, 24 00:02:05,667 --> 00:02:07,502 haute cafeteria cuisine. 25 00:02:11,048 --> 00:02:12,215 You coming in for a landing, sister? 26 00:02:13,133 --> 00:02:14,801 Sorry. Cute guy. 27 00:02:15,385 --> 00:02:17,012 I thought he was checking me out for a second. 28 00:02:17,095 --> 00:02:18,180 Where? 29 00:02:19,014 --> 00:02:21,808 -Hey, stop, don't turn. 30 00:02:21,892 --> 00:02:24,436 -He's a cutie, all right. 31 00:02:24,936 --> 00:02:25,771 Definitely looking. 32 00:02:25,854 --> 00:02:28,774 Looking at you guys looking at him, like I asked you not to. 33 00:02:28,857 --> 00:02:30,442 -Take your tray over there. -What! 34 00:02:30,525 --> 00:02:32,778 -No. -Absolutely. Why not? 35 00:02:32,861 --> 00:02:35,155 Because this isn't PS 147. We're adults now. 36 00:02:35,238 --> 00:02:36,490 She's married, for Christ's sake. 37 00:02:36,573 --> 00:02:37,866 We have to at least pretend to know better. 38 00:02:38,909 --> 00:02:41,870 So, I finally went to the doctor about my headaches. 39 00:02:41,953 --> 00:02:43,372 -Still looking. 40 00:02:44,039 --> 00:02:45,999 Which you're not helping, thanks. 41 00:02:46,083 --> 00:02:48,794 Because I've been trying to diagnose myself on the Internet. 42 00:02:48,877 --> 00:02:50,087 -You can do that? - Sure. 43 00:02:50,170 --> 00:02:52,506 You just type in your symptoms, hit "enter," 44 00:02:52,589 --> 00:02:54,508 and wait for the word "cancer" to appear on the screen. 45 00:02:54,591 --> 00:02:57,594 Anyway, turns out I'm a tongue-thruster. 46 00:02:58,220 --> 00:03:00,806 Now, see, if you were a man, that would be a good thing. 47 00:03:01,390 --> 00:03:04,935 My tongue pushes up against my front teeth, so my bite is all off. 48 00:03:05,018 --> 00:03:06,436 My dentist thinks I have TMJ. 49 00:03:06,520 --> 00:03:08,230 Come on, you have to do something. 50 00:03:08,313 --> 00:03:10,148 I am. I'm going to the orthodontist tomorrow. 51 00:03:10,232 --> 00:03:12,234 No, I mean, he's really cute. 52 00:03:12,317 --> 00:03:16,238 -She could write him a note. - I know. Even cuter! 53 00:03:16,321 --> 00:03:18,490 You guys, I'm not writing him a note. 54 00:03:18,573 --> 00:03:21,410 -Dear Mr. Cutie-Cute. -You did not just write that. 55 00:03:21,493 --> 00:03:22,994 No. Just your phone number. 56 00:03:23,078 --> 00:03:25,163 I'm not giving him my phone number. 57 00:03:25,247 --> 00:03:27,958 Oh, relax, TMJ. You don't have to. 58 00:03:28,417 --> 00:03:29,960 -I'll do it for ya. -Carrie. 59 00:03:30,836 --> 00:03:32,087 -Carrie. -Go, girl. 60 00:03:32,170 --> 00:03:33,171 Oh, my God. 61 00:03:37,300 --> 00:03:41,430 Hi. I'm sorry to bother you, but my friend Miranda over there... 62 00:03:41,972 --> 00:03:44,307 - Oh, my God. - She thinks you're kinda cute. 63 00:03:46,309 --> 00:03:49,563 Please tell your friend Miranda to call me. 64 00:03:55,360 --> 00:03:59,531 On the way home from lunch, I decided to brave the afternoon heat 65 00:03:59,614 --> 00:04:01,825 to see if my favorite shoe-repair guy could do anything 66 00:04:01,908 --> 00:04:03,660 about my tired old soles. 67 00:04:05,579 --> 00:04:09,040 But when I got there, there was no "there" there. 68 00:04:23,764 --> 00:04:26,183 Hey, what happened to Artie? 69 00:04:26,933 --> 00:04:31,396 -Artie? -Artie. My guy. My shoe guy. 70 00:04:31,480 --> 00:04:32,939 He fixed these the last time. 71 00:04:33,023 --> 00:04:35,317 Oh, yeah, Artie. Nah, he moved back to Williamsburg. 72 00:04:35,400 --> 00:04:37,319 -Oh. -Brooklyn, not Colonial. 73 00:04:37,778 --> 00:04:40,614 He couldn't afford the place once they destabilized the rent. 74 00:04:40,697 --> 00:04:43,283 And if the comic business keeps going the way it is, 75 00:04:43,366 --> 00:04:44,659 I'm not sure I'll be able to either. 76 00:04:44,743 --> 00:04:48,079 -Oh, comics aren't selling, huh? -No, especially mine. 77 00:04:51,833 --> 00:04:54,461 "Power Lad by Wade Adams." 78 00:04:55,754 --> 00:04:57,172 Is this you? Did you draw this? 79 00:04:58,298 --> 00:04:59,299 Wow! 80 00:05:00,050 --> 00:05:02,886 So, what's so powerful about him? 81 00:05:02,969 --> 00:05:07,557 He's a superhero, or he wants to be. See, his parents were superheroes. 82 00:05:07,641 --> 00:05:09,434 And he's trying to figure out what his superpowers are. 83 00:05:09,518 --> 00:05:10,560 They haven't really kicked in yet. 84 00:05:11,144 --> 00:05:12,687 It's stupid. What do you... What do you do? 85 00:05:13,146 --> 00:05:14,397 Oh, I'm a writer. 86 00:05:14,481 --> 00:05:16,191 Really, that's cool. What do you write? 87 00:05:16,274 --> 00:05:18,693 Turn to page seven of your newspaper there. 88 00:05:24,241 --> 00:05:26,284 Ah, yes, I thought you looked familiar. 89 00:05:26,952 --> 00:05:30,080 -You ever think about writing comics? -Aren't the comics more of a boy thing? 90 00:05:30,163 --> 00:05:32,707 No way! There's all kinds of women superheroes. 91 00:05:32,791 --> 00:05:34,709 Batgirl, Supergirl, Black Canary. 92 00:05:35,085 --> 00:05:36,711 I know you've heard of Wonder Woman. 93 00:05:37,212 --> 00:05:40,924 Oh, with the bracelets and the tiara. 94 00:05:41,007 --> 00:05:44,719 I used to love that even her accessories had superpowers. 95 00:05:44,803 --> 00:05:45,804 Oh, man. 96 00:05:53,603 --> 00:05:54,771 What's wrong with them? 97 00:05:54,855 --> 00:05:57,440 Well, see, to them, you are Wonder Woman. 98 00:05:57,941 --> 00:06:00,986 -All right, stop. I'll buy some. -All right. 99 00:06:08,076 --> 00:06:09,995 I never did get my shoes fixed. 100 00:06:10,078 --> 00:06:12,539 But the following week, I did get a new pair of boots. 101 00:06:16,001 --> 00:06:17,127 I don't know what came over me, 102 00:06:17,210 --> 00:06:19,296 but I suddenly felt compelled to call and thank him. 103 00:06:20,088 --> 00:06:23,091 Even as a superhero, I was powerless to resist. 104 00:06:24,676 --> 00:06:28,138 That evening, inspired by Miranda's digital diagnosis, 105 00:06:28,221 --> 00:06:30,765 Charlotte went surfing for a cure for Trey's condition. 106 00:06:33,560 --> 00:06:36,605 There it was, in both the on and off positions. 107 00:06:36,688 --> 00:06:41,359 $8,000 worth of hydraulics that could turn Trey into the Bionic Man. 108 00:06:41,693 --> 00:06:45,113 Ordinarily, this was the kind of thing Charlotte would shy away from, 109 00:06:45,196 --> 00:06:47,073 but since her marriage was shy of wood... 110 00:06:48,742 --> 00:06:52,871 That night, I met Wade Adams alias Power Lad at Bar Code, 111 00:06:52,954 --> 00:06:57,083 a Times Square bar that specialized in real drinks and virtual reality. 112 00:06:57,167 --> 00:07:00,045 I can't believe this place. It's like ten bucks a game. 113 00:07:00,128 --> 00:07:02,297 Yeah, but, you know, games come with beer. 114 00:07:02,380 --> 00:07:05,300 Yeah, that's 'cause they want you to play half as well and twice as much. 115 00:07:05,800 --> 00:07:07,010 -Sounds good to me. 116 00:07:07,093 --> 00:07:10,305 What will it be, a little Bloodburst or Terrorfright ll? 117 00:07:10,388 --> 00:07:12,724 Whatever happened to Frogger and Ms. Pac-Man? 118 00:07:12,807 --> 00:07:16,311 -She got married. -No! To Pac-man? 119 00:07:16,686 --> 00:07:18,605 Aw! Good for them. 120 00:07:18,688 --> 00:07:20,357 Man, where have I been? 121 00:07:20,440 --> 00:07:22,651 I don't know, but you wanna go to Mars? 122 00:07:22,734 --> 00:07:25,362 -For ten bucks? It's a bargain. -Let's go. 123 00:07:26,196 --> 00:07:28,406 Then, without ever leaving the building, 124 00:07:28,490 --> 00:07:31,660 Power Lad took me to the furthest reaches of the galaxy. 125 00:07:31,743 --> 00:07:33,328 And right back to seventh grade. 126 00:07:33,411 --> 00:07:35,872 You're about to journey to Mars. Pilot, please select... 127 00:07:35,956 --> 00:07:38,541 -There we go. - Oh, God. 128 00:07:39,042 --> 00:07:40,126 It was maddening. 129 00:07:40,794 --> 00:07:45,382 Bram and Pippin favored the '78 Lafite, which is entirely acceptable. 130 00:07:45,465 --> 00:07:47,384 The implant's patented on/off switch 131 00:07:47,467 --> 00:07:49,386 had Charlotte thinking about Trey's. 132 00:07:49,928 --> 00:07:53,098 She desperately wanted to turn his on, but she didn't know where to find it. 133 00:07:53,181 --> 00:07:54,849 But at the end of the night, the joke was on him. 134 00:07:54,933 --> 00:07:56,810 'Cause we ordered both. 135 00:07:58,436 --> 00:07:59,437 How was your day? 136 00:08:00,981 --> 00:08:03,733 Well, I went to the gallery in the morning, 137 00:08:03,817 --> 00:08:06,820 and then the framer's in the afternoon. 138 00:08:08,321 --> 00:08:11,908 And then I found this, on the Internet. See? 139 00:08:16,329 --> 00:08:17,539 What on Earth... 140 00:08:19,541 --> 00:08:20,875 Charlotte, what are you getting at? 141 00:08:21,626 --> 00:08:22,752 Well, just that... 142 00:08:23,336 --> 00:08:24,337 Well... 143 00:08:25,338 --> 00:08:27,007 We've tried everything else, 144 00:08:27,549 --> 00:08:28,675 and we still... 145 00:08:29,467 --> 00:08:30,468 You haven't... 146 00:08:31,219 --> 00:08:32,929 in my... ever... 147 00:08:33,013 --> 00:08:33,847 So... 148 00:08:34,431 --> 00:08:35,557 So, I just thought... 149 00:08:39,060 --> 00:08:40,186 You can't be serious. 150 00:08:41,271 --> 00:08:42,856 What other options do we have? 151 00:08:52,407 --> 00:08:54,367 Five beers, four video games, 152 00:08:54,451 --> 00:08:56,870 102-degrees-outside later... 153 00:08:59,664 --> 00:09:00,665 Oh, man. 154 00:09:02,709 --> 00:09:04,627 Aw... You gotta be kidding. 155 00:09:04,711 --> 00:09:07,088 What? This is fun. 156 00:09:07,547 --> 00:09:09,090 It's cheaper than taking cabs. 157 00:09:09,716 --> 00:09:11,217 Besides, all the kids got them. 158 00:09:12,177 --> 00:09:14,763 -You wanna try it? -It's too hot to scoot. 159 00:09:14,846 --> 00:09:18,850 Then we could go to my place. I got a terrace, I got a great view. 160 00:09:18,933 --> 00:09:20,727 And the breeze up there is even better. 161 00:09:20,810 --> 00:09:24,314 I'm not the kind of girl who scoots to a guy's terrace on the first date. 162 00:09:26,149 --> 00:09:27,358 I could respect that. 163 00:09:28,359 --> 00:09:30,820 -I have central air. -Give me that scooter. 164 00:09:31,112 --> 00:09:32,947 -You ever been on one? -No. 165 00:09:33,615 --> 00:09:35,450 - That's great. -Thank you. 166 00:09:36,284 --> 00:09:38,453 I'm scooting in heels. 167 00:09:39,245 --> 00:09:40,246 You know. 168 00:09:52,759 --> 00:09:55,637 You said you had a view, not the view. 169 00:09:55,720 --> 00:09:59,599 And this breeze, it's like there's even different air up here. 170 00:10:00,183 --> 00:10:01,643 How do you have all this? 171 00:10:02,102 --> 00:10:03,394 Why don't I go get us some beers? 172 00:10:03,478 --> 00:10:05,897 Then we can talk adventures and real estate. 173 00:10:08,608 --> 00:10:11,486 How was it possible that mild-mannered Power Lad 174 00:10:11,569 --> 00:10:13,696 could afford a classic six on the Upper East Side 175 00:10:13,780 --> 00:10:15,657 with a terrace and a view of the park? 176 00:10:16,449 --> 00:10:18,034 Was he merely Power Lad by day 177 00:10:18,118 --> 00:10:20,370 and secretly a millionaire playboy by night? 178 00:10:22,080 --> 00:10:23,081 Hmm. 179 00:10:23,164 --> 00:10:24,207 - Hello? 180 00:10:25,125 --> 00:10:26,584 Oh, you scared me. 181 00:10:26,668 --> 00:10:29,671 I just heard voices outside and-- 182 00:10:29,754 --> 00:10:30,880 -You're up. -Oh. 183 00:10:30,964 --> 00:10:33,424 - Did we wake you? - Oh, no, no, you know me, 184 00:10:33,508 --> 00:10:35,135 always keeping the watch. 185 00:10:35,760 --> 00:10:37,720 -Uh, did you meet Carrie? -Um... 186 00:10:37,804 --> 00:10:39,722 Carrie, I'd like you to meet my mother. 187 00:10:40,765 --> 00:10:41,766 Hello. 188 00:10:42,308 --> 00:10:45,270 -It's a beautiful night, isn't it? -Yeah. 189 00:10:46,229 --> 00:10:48,648 Well, I'm off to bed. 190 00:10:49,941 --> 00:10:51,276 You two have fun. 191 00:10:53,153 --> 00:10:54,821 -But don't stay up too late, dear. -No. 192 00:10:55,780 --> 00:10:56,906 -Good night. -Good night. 193 00:10:56,990 --> 00:10:58,658 It's lovely to meet you, Carrie. 194 00:10:58,741 --> 00:11:02,620 Oh, lovely to meet you too, Mrs. Adams. 195 00:11:07,000 --> 00:11:10,211 -He lives with his parents? -It's their apartment. 196 00:11:10,295 --> 00:11:13,464 The next day at Commune, Daddy Brier's latest restaurant, 197 00:11:13,548 --> 00:11:15,925 I asked Samantha about my prospects with Power Lad. 198 00:11:16,009 --> 00:11:17,510 Not sexy, honey. 199 00:11:17,594 --> 00:11:20,096 Dump him immediately. Here, use my cell phone. 200 00:11:20,180 --> 00:11:21,764 But it's only because he put all his money 201 00:11:21,848 --> 00:11:22,891 in the comic book store. 202 00:11:22,974 --> 00:11:24,267 Still not sexy. What's his number? 203 00:11:24,350 --> 00:11:26,644 Because he's saving up for his own place. 204 00:11:26,728 --> 00:11:28,438 Come on, you know how tough the market is right now. 205 00:11:28,521 --> 00:11:31,441 Plus, he's fun and funny. 206 00:11:31,524 --> 00:11:33,443 Honey, stop while you're still sexy. 207 00:11:33,526 --> 00:11:35,361 So, are you saying there's no way 208 00:11:35,445 --> 00:11:37,280 you'd go out with a guy who lived with his family? 209 00:11:37,363 --> 00:11:39,699 Well, maybe Prince William. 210 00:11:40,700 --> 00:11:42,702 I'm sorry I'm late. 211 00:11:45,538 --> 00:11:47,290 This is what happens to tongue-thrusters. 212 00:11:47,373 --> 00:11:50,460 I have to wear them for a year. Am I hideous? 213 00:11:51,044 --> 00:11:52,086 No. 214 00:11:52,170 --> 00:11:55,632 Hey, no. No, they don't look so bad. 215 00:11:55,715 --> 00:11:57,133 Really? You mean it? 216 00:11:57,217 --> 00:11:58,801 That's my story and I'm sticking to it. 217 00:11:58,885 --> 00:12:01,804 Are you in pain? I'm in pain just looking at you. 218 00:12:01,888 --> 00:12:05,558 I'm a 34-year-old woman with braces, and I'm on a liquid diet. 219 00:12:05,642 --> 00:12:07,185 "Pain" doesn't begin to cover it. 220 00:12:08,269 --> 00:12:10,980 -Oh, look, lunch. -We didn't order champagne. 221 00:12:11,064 --> 00:12:12,649 Compliments of Jenny Brier. 222 00:12:12,732 --> 00:12:15,151 Ah, you always get the nicest compliments. 223 00:12:15,235 --> 00:12:17,695 Do you realize a 13-year-old girl 224 00:12:17,779 --> 00:12:20,448 just bought us a $200-bottle of Dom Perignon? 225 00:12:20,531 --> 00:12:23,409 You know what I was buying when I was 13? Nothing. 226 00:12:23,493 --> 00:12:26,871 I couldn't afford anything. I was serving Dilly Bars at Dairy Queen. 227 00:12:27,413 --> 00:12:30,416 Where is she? Where's that little Brat Mitzvah beast? 228 00:12:31,542 --> 00:12:34,545 -Jenny! -So, ladies, is everything fabulous? 229 00:12:34,629 --> 00:12:36,965 It is now. I didn't know you were here. 230 00:12:37,048 --> 00:12:38,841 And I didn't know you knew Carrie Bradshaw? 231 00:12:39,300 --> 00:12:41,302 You are fucking fabulous. 232 00:12:41,386 --> 00:12:44,889 Your column about secret sex? Hello, my life. 233 00:12:45,348 --> 00:12:48,726 Seriously. My ex was so completely about the sex when we were alone, 234 00:12:48,810 --> 00:12:50,895 but at school in the hallway, I didn't exist. 235 00:12:51,396 --> 00:12:54,232 -And they're all like that. -Or worse. Men suck. 236 00:12:58,027 --> 00:12:58,987 What? 237 00:12:59,445 --> 00:13:01,531 I'm sorry, are your braces blue? 238 00:13:01,614 --> 00:13:03,533 No, they're sapphire. 239 00:13:04,033 --> 00:13:05,201 Oh, my God. Look. 240 00:13:05,827 --> 00:13:06,995 You have the old-fashioned kind. 241 00:13:07,078 --> 00:13:08,871 I didn't even know they made those anymore. 242 00:13:08,955 --> 00:13:10,540 - I said I'll be there. 243 00:13:10,623 --> 00:13:12,750 We have to dash. Enjoy your meal, ladies. 244 00:13:12,834 --> 00:13:14,919 You are so fucking fabulous. 245 00:13:19,340 --> 00:13:20,967 Her braces are sapphire. 246 00:13:21,050 --> 00:13:23,052 I'm a 34-year-old nerd. 247 00:13:24,429 --> 00:13:27,557 -How old are they? -Thirteen. 248 00:13:28,266 --> 00:13:30,184 -But they sound... -I know. 249 00:13:30,268 --> 00:13:31,728 -And they're dressed... -I know. 250 00:13:32,103 --> 00:13:33,521 Just like us. 251 00:13:36,733 --> 00:13:38,067 Were Jenny Brier and her friends 252 00:13:38,151 --> 00:13:40,153 dressed like 30-something-year-old women, 253 00:13:40,236 --> 00:13:42,655 or were we trying to look like teenagers? 254 00:13:43,281 --> 00:13:45,074 One of us was sending over Dom Perignon, 255 00:13:45,158 --> 00:13:47,243 while another was touring around New York on a scooter. 256 00:13:47,994 --> 00:13:50,663 When you're a teenager, all you want to do is buy beer. 257 00:13:50,747 --> 00:13:53,416 But once you hit 30, all you want to do is get carded. 258 00:13:54,125 --> 00:13:56,836 I wondered, in today's youth-obsessed culture, 259 00:13:56,919 --> 00:14:01,257 are the women of my generation growing into mature responsible adults, 260 00:14:01,341 --> 00:14:04,469 or are we 34 going on 13? 261 00:14:05,928 --> 00:14:08,473 After a week of self-imposed seclusion, 262 00:14:08,556 --> 00:14:11,768 Miranda finally felt strong enough for solid food and table service 263 00:14:11,851 --> 00:14:14,479 with Lance Bloom, a senior editor at Knopf. 264 00:14:14,562 --> 00:14:18,524 I started out wanting to be a writer, but it's such a solitary life. 265 00:14:18,608 --> 00:14:21,569 I'm much more interested in collaborating with someone. 266 00:14:21,652 --> 00:14:23,404 What are you working on now? 267 00:14:24,947 --> 00:14:25,948 Uh... 268 00:14:26,491 --> 00:14:27,575 You have a little... 269 00:14:27,658 --> 00:14:28,659 Oh! 270 00:14:29,577 --> 00:14:32,330 I just got these. I guess they're going to take some getting used to. 271 00:14:33,664 --> 00:14:34,665 Oh, my God. 272 00:14:35,625 --> 00:14:40,338 So, what's it like to, uh, kiss somebody with those things? 273 00:14:41,714 --> 00:14:44,258 -The doctor said it should be fine. -Ah. 274 00:14:44,967 --> 00:14:46,719 But a blow job's out of the question, right? 275 00:14:49,889 --> 00:14:51,808 Oh. I was kidding. 276 00:14:53,017 --> 00:14:55,812 That was... That was a joke. I'm sorry. 277 00:14:57,438 --> 00:15:00,608 He just didn't want your hardware getting too close to his software. 278 00:15:00,691 --> 00:15:02,527 Oh, it's not just him, it's everybody. 279 00:15:02,610 --> 00:15:03,736 I can't open my mouth 280 00:15:03,820 --> 00:15:07,073 without the whole world looking at me like I'm a freak. 281 00:15:07,156 --> 00:15:08,574 It's like I'm suddenly back in junior high. 282 00:15:08,658 --> 00:15:11,160 And believe me, I was lucky to get out alive the first time. 283 00:15:11,244 --> 00:15:14,747 Maybe you should think of it as mouth jewelry. You know, tooth bracelet. 284 00:15:14,831 --> 00:15:16,374 I'm never dating again. 285 00:15:16,457 --> 00:15:18,418 Oh, of course you are. Listen, if the guy's worth dating, 286 00:15:18,501 --> 00:15:20,920 he's not gonna care about your braces. He's gonna care about you. 287 00:15:21,379 --> 00:15:23,381 That was so Afterschool Special of you. 288 00:15:23,464 --> 00:15:26,884 Well, in the Afterschool Special, you'd see him across the cafeteria. 289 00:15:26,968 --> 00:15:30,138 He'd smile, and he'd have braces too. 290 00:15:30,221 --> 00:15:32,432 Yeah, but the sick thing is, 291 00:15:32,515 --> 00:15:35,059 I would never date a guy with braces. Even now. 292 00:15:35,643 --> 00:15:36,644 Come on, are you kidding me? 293 00:15:36,727 --> 00:15:37,979 Don't you think that's a little childish? 294 00:15:38,688 --> 00:15:42,150 -More lemonade, Carrie? -Yes, please, Mrs. Adams. 295 00:15:42,233 --> 00:15:46,112 And how about some nice, homemade Toll House cookies? 296 00:15:46,195 --> 00:15:47,905 Yes, please, Mrs. Adams. 297 00:15:48,406 --> 00:15:49,991 On closer inspection, 298 00:15:50,074 --> 00:15:53,494 it turned out this "living with the parents thing" wasn't so bad. 299 00:15:53,578 --> 00:15:55,913 It was like having servants you didn't have to pay. 300 00:15:56,998 --> 00:15:59,709 Oh, and Carrie, can you stay for dinner? 301 00:15:59,792 --> 00:16:00,751 Uh-huh. 302 00:16:03,087 --> 00:16:07,967 Faced with the idea of having hydraulic cylinders placed in his shaft, 303 00:16:08,050 --> 00:16:11,304 Trey decided to pursue the less physically demanding option 304 00:16:11,387 --> 00:16:12,472 of couples counseling 305 00:16:12,555 --> 00:16:15,641 with a therapist he'd found through his college alumni association. 306 00:16:15,725 --> 00:16:20,730 I sense you're both having difficulty verbalizing your sexual issues. 307 00:16:23,691 --> 00:16:26,986 With some clients, I've found it often helps to 308 00:16:27,612 --> 00:16:31,240 create your own non-threatening language with which to talk about sex. 309 00:16:32,825 --> 00:16:34,410 I'm not sure that I understand. 310 00:16:34,494 --> 00:16:39,165 Well, for example, one client, rather whimsically, 311 00:16:39,248 --> 00:16:42,668 dubbed his anus "the Chocolate Starfish." 312 00:16:43,503 --> 00:16:45,046 Are you quite sure you went to Yale? 313 00:16:45,713 --> 00:16:51,219 Charlotte, if you could rename your vagina 314 00:16:51,302 --> 00:16:52,970 something completely non-sexual, 315 00:16:53,054 --> 00:16:56,224 something that didn't feel threatening to yourself or Trey, 316 00:16:57,600 --> 00:16:58,726 what would you call it? 317 00:17:02,021 --> 00:17:03,105 Rebecca. 318 00:17:04,315 --> 00:17:06,776 Rebecca? Why on Earth would you-- 319 00:17:06,859 --> 00:17:09,654 'Cause it sounds nice, and I've always liked the name. 320 00:17:10,571 --> 00:17:11,781 Now you name yours. 321 00:17:12,740 --> 00:17:17,245 -Oh, this is preposterous. -Something with positive associations. 322 00:17:20,122 --> 00:17:23,626 Well, Trey loves to sail. Don't you, Trey? 323 00:17:23,709 --> 00:17:25,962 Yeah, that's true. I do love to sail. 324 00:17:26,045 --> 00:17:29,298 So, how about something like Canoe? 325 00:17:30,091 --> 00:17:31,050 Canoe? 326 00:17:32,927 --> 00:17:34,929 "Canoe" doesn't go with "Rebecca." 327 00:17:35,012 --> 00:17:36,180 Well, what, then? 328 00:17:37,598 --> 00:17:39,767 Uh, well, how about, um... 329 00:17:41,352 --> 00:17:44,438 -Schooner. -Schooner's good. 330 00:17:44,522 --> 00:17:46,941 Rebecca and Schooner. Schooner's good, isn't it? 331 00:17:47,024 --> 00:17:49,860 Oh, that's very good. It's very good. 332 00:17:49,944 --> 00:17:52,655 This is a wonderful beginning. 333 00:17:53,531 --> 00:17:57,577 There's still a lot of work ahead, some here and some at home. 334 00:17:58,077 --> 00:18:00,705 So, tonight, as homework, 335 00:18:00,788 --> 00:18:04,917 I want you to lie down together, side by side, without touching, 336 00:18:05,876 --> 00:18:09,505 and share a sexual fantasy. 337 00:18:11,757 --> 00:18:13,968 I'm a fairy princess in a forest, 338 00:18:14,927 --> 00:18:16,470 and I'm riding on a unicorn, 339 00:18:17,179 --> 00:18:22,351 when suddenly I see a pirate in buckskins. 340 00:18:23,394 --> 00:18:25,021 A prince in disguise. 341 00:18:25,521 --> 00:18:28,024 And that's when you pull me off my unicorn. 342 00:18:28,107 --> 00:18:31,068 You tear away my gossamer petticoats, 343 00:18:31,152 --> 00:18:34,739 and you put your Schooner deep inside my Rebecca. 344 00:18:38,367 --> 00:18:39,285 Now you. 345 00:18:39,952 --> 00:18:40,870 Where are you? 346 00:18:42,163 --> 00:18:43,164 I'm in hell. 347 00:18:45,207 --> 00:18:48,044 I'm sorry, Charlotte. I can't do this. 348 00:18:48,836 --> 00:18:51,422 I'm a respected surgeon. I can't. I can't. 349 00:18:51,505 --> 00:18:53,257 Yes, you can. I know you can. 350 00:18:53,341 --> 00:18:55,509 Charlotte, we've been dealing with this for weeks and weeks. 351 00:18:56,052 --> 00:18:58,971 Just accept the fact that I'm not that sexual a person, all right? 352 00:18:59,472 --> 00:19:00,473 But... 353 00:19:01,474 --> 00:19:02,892 we love each other, 354 00:19:04,143 --> 00:19:05,519 and we're married now. 355 00:19:06,562 --> 00:19:10,733 Rebecca and Schooner belong together. They need each other. Please. 356 00:19:11,525 --> 00:19:13,152 You are a fairy princess. 357 00:19:13,986 --> 00:19:16,280 I don't deserve you. I'm sorry. 358 00:19:17,990 --> 00:19:18,991 I'm sorry. 359 00:19:29,085 --> 00:19:33,297 That night, Wade and I had our very first sleepover, at my place. 360 00:19:33,381 --> 00:19:36,467 And I finally figured out what made Power Lad so powerful. 361 00:19:36,550 --> 00:19:40,596 He had the soul of a teenage boy in the body of a very grown-up man. 362 00:19:40,680 --> 00:19:42,431 -Oh, the machine will get it. 363 00:19:42,515 --> 00:19:43,974 Hi, I'm not here but my shoes are, 364 00:19:44,058 --> 00:19:45,935 -so leave them a message. 365 00:19:46,018 --> 00:19:51,565 Hi, Carrie. This is Mrs. Adams, Wade's mother. 366 00:19:51,982 --> 00:19:53,275 How are you, dear? 367 00:19:53,359 --> 00:19:54,485 Oh, my God. 368 00:19:54,568 --> 00:19:58,406 I'm so sorry to bother you, but we never heard from Wade tonight 369 00:19:58,489 --> 00:20:02,076 about whether or not he fed the dog his medicine. 370 00:20:02,159 --> 00:20:06,038 And Wade's father was just about to give it to the dog, 371 00:20:06,122 --> 00:20:10,459 but if he's already had it, well, that would be bad. 372 00:20:10,960 --> 00:20:13,379 So, if you speak to Wade, 373 00:20:13,462 --> 00:20:17,466 please tell him I won't go to bed until I hear from him. 374 00:20:18,384 --> 00:20:20,761 Yes, Mom, I gave the dog his medicine. 375 00:20:22,596 --> 00:20:24,515 No, Mom, I'm not mad, I just... 376 00:20:25,850 --> 00:20:27,226 I told you not to call me here. 377 00:20:28,811 --> 00:20:30,312 No, don't call me here. 378 00:20:32,690 --> 00:20:33,691 I love you, too. 379 00:20:37,737 --> 00:20:40,322 -She wants to talk to you. -What? 380 00:20:41,407 --> 00:20:42,408 Why... 381 00:20:49,373 --> 00:20:51,083 Hi, Mrs. Adams. How are you? 382 00:20:52,376 --> 00:20:54,044 Several blocks south, 383 00:20:54,128 --> 00:20:56,547 Charlotte's night was interrupted as well, 384 00:20:56,630 --> 00:20:58,883 by odd noises coming from her bathroom. 385 00:21:11,520 --> 00:21:14,482 Charlotte felt terrible. She hadn't meant to make Trey cry. 386 00:21:23,073 --> 00:21:24,074 Honey? 387 00:21:48,265 --> 00:21:51,852 -He told me he wasn't a sexual person. -It wasn't sexual. 388 00:21:51,936 --> 00:21:54,396 It was tension release. It helps me sleep. 389 00:21:54,730 --> 00:21:55,731 I understand. 390 00:21:56,690 --> 00:21:59,568 Now, this may be difficult, Trey, 391 00:21:59,652 --> 00:22:05,491 but I want you to tell me specifically which magazine you were using. 392 00:22:07,076 --> 00:22:08,035 Juggs. 393 00:22:09,078 --> 00:22:14,083 All right. Now I think, we can try and see this as a positive thing. 394 00:22:14,166 --> 00:22:17,253 How? How is this a positive thing? 395 00:22:17,336 --> 00:22:21,549 Well, Trey was masturbating to jugs. 396 00:22:22,883 --> 00:22:24,218 At least we know he isn't gay. 397 00:22:24,927 --> 00:22:27,930 Excuse me, what exactly is the problem here? 398 00:22:28,013 --> 00:22:29,682 It was tension release with a magazine, 399 00:22:29,765 --> 00:22:31,976 it had nothing whatsoever to do with my wife. 400 00:22:32,643 --> 00:22:34,854 Interesting choice of words, Trey. 401 00:22:35,813 --> 00:22:37,189 Maybe that's the problem. 402 00:22:38,315 --> 00:22:41,610 We have to find a way to integrate your wife 403 00:22:42,278 --> 00:22:44,029 into your sexual routine. 404 00:22:46,740 --> 00:22:48,200 How are we supposed to do that? 405 00:22:49,243 --> 00:22:50,744 Charlotte had no idea. 406 00:22:51,495 --> 00:22:53,122 She wished they were 13 again, 407 00:22:53,205 --> 00:22:55,833 before sex had made everything so complicated. 408 00:22:56,250 --> 00:22:58,419 When just holding hands and a goodnight kiss 409 00:22:58,502 --> 00:23:00,170 would have been everything she needed. 410 00:23:01,714 --> 00:23:03,215 To pierce the corporate veil, 411 00:23:03,299 --> 00:23:05,593 the courts generally look at five factors, 412 00:23:05,676 --> 00:23:08,220 whether the subsidiary is wholly-owned or-- 413 00:23:10,806 --> 00:23:14,101 The 13-year-old girl inside Miranda wanted to disappear, 414 00:23:14,184 --> 00:23:16,979 but the 34-year-old woman who was a partner in this law firm 415 00:23:17,062 --> 00:23:18,647 decided she wasn't going anywhere. 416 00:23:19,148 --> 00:23:20,733 You think that I'm funny, gentlemen? 417 00:23:21,275 --> 00:23:23,611 You think the fact that I have braces is hilarious? 418 00:23:23,944 --> 00:23:26,947 Well, let's just all take a moment and have a good laugh, shall we? 419 00:23:27,031 --> 00:23:30,576 Let's just get it out of our systems so we can go back to work like adults. 420 00:23:31,577 --> 00:23:33,871 Hobbes, we were just laughing at the typo on page three. 421 00:23:36,874 --> 00:23:38,918 Miranda decided that TMJ 422 00:23:39,001 --> 00:23:41,754 was a lot less painful than a second adolescence. 423 00:23:42,546 --> 00:23:44,340 The next day, she had her braces removed 424 00:23:44,423 --> 00:23:47,384 and resumed her life as a 34-year-old tongue-thruster. 425 00:23:48,093 --> 00:23:51,138 That night Trey resumed his own brand of thrusting 426 00:23:51,221 --> 00:23:53,849 and discovered that tension release could be a turn-on. 427 00:24:03,943 --> 00:24:08,072 And Charlotte discovered a way to include herself in Trey's sex life. 428 00:24:11,283 --> 00:24:13,827 She also figured out what to do with all those wedding proofs 429 00:24:13,911 --> 00:24:15,329 not suitable for framing. 430 00:24:17,498 --> 00:24:20,084 The following weekend, at the Brier Bar Mitzvah party... 431 00:24:20,584 --> 00:24:21,961 I'm not sure if I have your name. 432 00:24:22,044 --> 00:24:25,547 Let's see, Goldfarb, Goldman, Goldstein... 433 00:24:25,631 --> 00:24:27,466 I'm sorry, ladies, I just don't see it. 434 00:24:27,549 --> 00:24:28,676 I'm sure I'm on the list. 435 00:24:36,058 --> 00:24:39,061 Jenny, I loved your haftarah portion. 436 00:24:43,440 --> 00:24:45,818 I can't believe you still have actual albums. 437 00:24:46,568 --> 00:24:52,074 Oh, my God, Styx! I love Styx! 438 00:24:52,157 --> 00:24:56,203 -I had this album. -Yeah, I love "Renegade." Hated "Babe." 439 00:24:58,956 --> 00:25:01,083 How do you have this? 440 00:25:01,166 --> 00:25:03,043 What are you, kidding? This is a classic. 441 00:25:03,127 --> 00:25:06,588 Oh, this song is so me driving my parents' Oldsmobile 442 00:25:06,672 --> 00:25:08,215 without them knowing about it. 443 00:25:08,298 --> 00:25:09,591 You know what would go great with this song? 444 00:25:09,675 --> 00:25:11,635 -Tube top and roller skates? -No. 445 00:25:13,512 --> 00:25:15,055 Canadian super grass. 446 00:25:15,139 --> 00:25:18,308 Six times stronger than pot, and 400 bucks an ounce. 447 00:25:18,392 --> 00:25:19,768 It suddenly became obvious 448 00:25:19,852 --> 00:25:22,604 Wade was in no hurry to save up for his own apartment. 449 00:25:24,314 --> 00:25:28,068 -And what, pray tell, is that? -My bong. I made it. 450 00:25:28,402 --> 00:25:32,281 -At Camp Takatoka. -I'm sorry, Camp Takatoka? 451 00:25:35,868 --> 00:25:37,786 I hadn't smoked pot out of a homemade bong 452 00:25:37,870 --> 00:25:40,664 since my eighth-grade boyfriend made one out of tin foil, a BIC pen, 453 00:25:40,748 --> 00:25:43,459 and a two-liter bottle of his mother's lemony Pepsi Light. 454 00:25:43,542 --> 00:25:45,294 I didn't even know if I'd remember how. 455 00:25:47,796 --> 00:25:51,425 Turns out it was like riding a bike, a ten-speed. 456 00:25:51,884 --> 00:25:53,469 Oh, wow! 457 00:25:53,552 --> 00:25:55,387 Back at the Bat Mitzvah bash, 458 00:25:55,471 --> 00:25:58,390 Samantha heard some girl-talk not suitable for little ladies. 459 00:25:58,474 --> 00:26:01,435 I'm gonna totally fuck at least three of those five NSYNC guys 460 00:26:01,518 --> 00:26:02,728 after the after-party. 461 00:26:02,811 --> 00:26:04,104 And I heard the other two are gay. 462 00:26:04,188 --> 00:26:08,192 So I'd fuck them, I'd fuck them, and their gay boyfriends. 463 00:26:08,776 --> 00:26:11,779 Ladies, aren't you a little young for that kind of talk? 464 00:26:13,197 --> 00:26:16,784 Oh, I'm serious. You have your whole lives to talk that way. 465 00:26:16,867 --> 00:26:18,786 You should enjoy being children, 466 00:26:18,869 --> 00:26:22,289 at least until you turn 15 and start having sex. 467 00:26:22,372 --> 00:26:25,000 Please, I've been giving blow jobs since I'm 12. 468 00:26:25,793 --> 00:26:26,668 Really? 469 00:26:26,752 --> 00:26:28,796 It's the only way to get guys to like you. 470 00:26:28,879 --> 00:26:30,464 Oh, honey, that isn't true. 471 00:26:30,547 --> 00:26:32,633 Uh, talk to the hand, Grandma. 472 00:26:33,133 --> 00:26:35,886 Samantha had been resenting Jenny Brier all this time 473 00:26:35,969 --> 00:26:37,846 because of everything she had. 474 00:26:37,930 --> 00:26:39,473 But then Samantha realized, 475 00:26:39,556 --> 00:26:43,852 she'd had something that no amount of money could buy, a childhood. 476 00:26:44,186 --> 00:26:47,314 And suddenly, the Dairy Queen wasn't looking so bad. 477 00:26:55,656 --> 00:26:56,865 I'm thirsty. 478 00:26:58,283 --> 00:26:59,535 There's bong water. 479 00:27:00,244 --> 00:27:02,538 - Bong water! 480 00:27:11,964 --> 00:27:12,965 Whoa... 481 00:27:14,591 --> 00:27:16,593 Bong water. 482 00:27:20,180 --> 00:27:21,181 Hold this. 483 00:27:28,605 --> 00:27:31,775 Hey, what are you doing? That's wet. 484 00:27:38,532 --> 00:27:41,743 Attack of the spicy chicken wings. 485 00:27:44,079 --> 00:27:45,414 Oh, shit! 486 00:27:48,250 --> 00:27:49,960 That looks like my parents' car. 487 00:27:52,838 --> 00:27:53,839 Oh, shit. 488 00:27:57,301 --> 00:28:00,512 -Shit, shit, shit, shit. -It's okay, it's okay. 489 00:28:00,596 --> 00:28:01,805 No, it's not okay. 490 00:28:01,889 --> 00:28:04,308 My parents said that if they caught me smoking pot in the house again, 491 00:28:04,391 --> 00:28:06,185 I'd have to sleep on a cot in the comic book store. 492 00:28:06,268 --> 00:28:08,187 -Wait. Wade. Stop. -What? What? 493 00:28:08,270 --> 00:28:10,564 The chicken wings. If they see billions of chicken wings... 494 00:28:12,024 --> 00:28:13,567 They're gonna know... 495 00:28:15,402 --> 00:28:18,280 we've been smoking the pot. 496 00:28:18,363 --> 00:28:21,283 Fuck the fucking chicken wings, man. Where'd we put the fucking pot? 497 00:28:24,912 --> 00:28:28,582 -Wade. -You're home. Early. 498 00:28:29,666 --> 00:28:31,126 -Hi. 499 00:28:32,252 --> 00:28:34,421 Is that marijuana I smell? 500 00:28:35,839 --> 00:28:37,633 -No. No, ma'am. -No. No God, no. 501 00:28:40,636 --> 00:28:41,720 Then what is this? 502 00:28:45,224 --> 00:28:46,642 Your father and I told you 503 00:28:46,725 --> 00:28:49,728 if you ever brought marijuana into this house again... 504 00:28:49,811 --> 00:28:50,646 Carrie brought it. 505 00:28:51,688 --> 00:28:53,232 I couldn't believe it. 506 00:28:53,315 --> 00:28:55,609 Power Lad would never have ratted me out like that. 507 00:28:55,692 --> 00:28:56,944 Is that true, Carrie? 508 00:28:57,861 --> 00:29:00,280 Did you bring marijuana into this house? 509 00:29:00,364 --> 00:29:02,366 There comes a time in everyone's life 510 00:29:02,449 --> 00:29:04,785 when you have to take responsibility for yourself. 511 00:29:05,327 --> 00:29:09,915 A time when I, like Jenny Brier, had to stand up and say to the world, 512 00:29:09,998 --> 00:29:12,000 "Today, I am a woman." 513 00:29:12,084 --> 00:29:13,502 Yes, Mrs. Adams. 514 00:29:14,670 --> 00:29:16,922 I brought the marijuana into the house. 515 00:29:19,132 --> 00:29:21,510 And I'm taking it with me when I go. 516 00:29:22,219 --> 00:29:24,596 Hot child in the city 517 00:29:26,473 --> 00:29:28,517 Hot child in the city... 518 00:29:28,600 --> 00:29:29,893 Oh, baby! 519 00:29:34,106 --> 00:29:35,023 There she is! 520 00:29:35,107 --> 00:29:39,528 In the end, I decided I was definitely 34 going on 35, 521 00:29:39,611 --> 00:29:42,656 but in a city like New York, with its pace and its pressures, 522 00:29:42,739 --> 00:29:45,742 sometimes it's important to have a 13-year-old moment, 523 00:29:45,826 --> 00:29:46,994 to remember a simpler time 524 00:29:47,077 --> 00:29:49,371 when the best thing in life was just hanging out, 525 00:29:49,454 --> 00:29:50,747 listening to records, 526 00:29:50,831 --> 00:29:54,793 and having fun with your friends, in your very own apartment. 527 00:29:54,876 --> 00:29:56,795 Hot child in the city 528 00:29:56,878 --> 00:29:59,298 Hot child in the city