1 00:00:53,053 --> 00:00:56,139 In a single gal's life, there are three important firsts. 2 00:00:57,391 --> 00:00:58,809 The first time you have sex, 3 00:00:59,643 --> 00:01:01,186 the first time you have good sex, 4 00:01:01,270 --> 00:01:03,772 and the first time you see 5 00:01:03,855 --> 00:01:06,108 a guy-you-just-started-dating's apartment. 6 00:01:10,320 --> 00:01:11,655 -Hey. -Hi. 7 00:01:12,531 --> 00:01:13,490 Come on in. 8 00:01:15,075 --> 00:01:16,201 Wow. 9 00:01:17,869 --> 00:01:20,414 Oh. Nice. 10 00:01:21,373 --> 00:01:24,501 Very nice. Thank God. 11 00:01:24,626 --> 00:01:26,336 You were expecting... 12 00:01:26,545 --> 00:01:29,965 Well, one never knows gentlemen left to their own devices. 13 00:01:30,549 --> 00:01:32,467 Oh, you name it, I've seen it. 14 00:01:33,176 --> 00:01:35,137 Pleather couches, 15 00:01:37,222 --> 00:01:39,099 two foot bongs. Hm. 16 00:01:39,516 --> 00:01:41,977 -Dead body in the corner. -Dead body, huh? 17 00:01:42,060 --> 00:01:44,354 I only went out with him for a week after that. 18 00:01:44,438 --> 00:01:48,025 -But uh... hm, so far, 19 00:01:48,525 --> 00:01:50,319 nothing in here says "scary bachelor." 20 00:01:50,402 --> 00:01:51,486 Except me. 21 00:01:53,280 --> 00:01:55,991 Hey. I really like this wall color. 22 00:01:56,366 --> 00:01:58,827 Yeah. I can't take credit for that. That's Lauren. 23 00:01:58,952 --> 00:01:59,953 Ralph Lauren? 24 00:02:00,037 --> 00:02:02,456 No. Lauren-Lauren. My ex-girlfriend. 25 00:02:02,873 --> 00:02:04,041 She was the decorator. 26 00:02:04,416 --> 00:02:05,626 Oh, uh-huh. 27 00:02:06,084 --> 00:02:07,461 I'm sorry. Is that weird? 28 00:02:07,544 --> 00:02:09,296 Please. Please. 29 00:02:09,379 --> 00:02:13,467 You have a "decorator," I have a "decorator." 30 00:02:13,967 --> 00:02:18,930 There is really no need for the ex-decorator conversation. 31 00:02:19,806 --> 00:02:20,682 Got it. 32 00:02:24,895 --> 00:02:26,813 Should I set the alarm? Do you need to get up early? 33 00:02:26,897 --> 00:02:28,815 Nope. I'm all yours. 34 00:02:30,150 --> 00:02:31,526 -Good night. -Good night. 35 00:02:31,818 --> 00:02:32,986 Welcome to my house. 36 00:02:45,165 --> 00:02:45,999 Oh. 37 00:02:48,293 --> 00:02:49,670 Okay, what's going on there? 38 00:02:50,921 --> 00:02:54,675 Oh. That's my sound machine. I'm a troubled sleeper. 39 00:02:55,300 --> 00:02:56,677 Kind of hooked on it. 40 00:02:56,885 --> 00:02:57,928 Uh-huh. 41 00:02:58,220 --> 00:02:59,221 Frogs? 42 00:02:59,304 --> 00:03:02,224 Yeah, and cicadas. Officially, we're in the rainforest. 43 00:03:03,684 --> 00:03:05,310 Oh. That there's a bird. 44 00:03:10,899 --> 00:03:13,860 I feel like I'm camping. Not a big fan of camping. 45 00:03:14,903 --> 00:03:16,822 Tomorrow morning, I'll make you s'mores. 46 00:03:16,905 --> 00:03:18,031 Okay. 47 00:03:22,369 --> 00:03:24,079 Always wondered who bought those. 48 00:03:26,081 --> 00:03:27,541 Actually, it was a gift. 49 00:03:27,749 --> 00:03:29,710 -Oh. From... Yeah. Hm. -Yeah, Lauren. 50 00:03:29,793 --> 00:03:32,421 She got for me about two weeks after we started going out. 51 00:03:32,504 --> 00:03:34,548 -Hm. -She hated it when I tossed and turned. 52 00:03:34,631 --> 00:03:36,133 -It was her therapist's idea. -Hm. 53 00:03:36,842 --> 00:03:37,884 Lauren always did everything her therapist... 54 00:03:37,968 --> 00:03:41,471 Mm-hm. Okay. Okay. 55 00:03:42,431 --> 00:03:44,266 So... frogs? 56 00:03:45,684 --> 00:03:47,185 What's so bad about frogs? 57 00:03:50,647 --> 00:03:51,648 Good night. 58 00:03:52,190 --> 00:03:55,152 You'll see. After a while, you won't even hear it. 59 00:03:57,404 --> 00:04:00,866 I could only hope he was referring to his ex-decorator's name. 60 00:04:02,951 --> 00:04:04,745 Okay. One drink and then we leave. 61 00:04:04,911 --> 00:04:07,164 And one drink means one drink. 62 00:04:07,247 --> 00:04:08,832 Tell me why we're going to this again? 63 00:04:09,082 --> 00:04:11,752 She's an old friend going through a breakup. We're being supportive. 64 00:04:11,835 --> 00:04:14,421 -On a Friday night? -She tried to kill herself. 65 00:04:14,504 --> 00:04:16,882 -It was six Advils. -On an empty stomach. 66 00:04:16,965 --> 00:04:17,924 Oh. 67 00:04:18,008 --> 00:04:21,219 The good news is I'm off the Zoloft, I lost ten pounds 68 00:04:21,386 --> 00:04:23,221 and after that asshole dumped me, 69 00:04:23,472 --> 00:04:26,600 I realized I have this amazing gift for designing bags. 70 00:04:29,686 --> 00:04:30,937 It's a purse party. 71 00:04:31,313 --> 00:04:33,064 Oh. 72 00:04:34,483 --> 00:04:36,026 Isn't this precious? 73 00:04:36,318 --> 00:04:37,569 You can take it to lunch. 74 00:04:38,069 --> 00:04:40,238 -Hm. -Isn't life funny? 75 00:04:41,031 --> 00:04:44,785 Because of that fucker, I've discovered I'm Fendi! 76 00:04:46,912 --> 00:04:48,205 Buy away. 77 00:04:54,878 --> 00:04:57,923 When did making bags become the fallback career? 78 00:04:58,006 --> 00:05:01,092 Someone should tell crazy that owning a hot glue gun 79 00:05:01,176 --> 00:05:03,178 does not make you a hot purse designer. 80 00:05:03,261 --> 00:05:04,554 Don't call her crazy. 81 00:05:04,638 --> 00:05:06,515 Look at this, I'd rather carry a colostomy bag. 82 00:05:06,598 --> 00:05:08,600 Ladies, these aren't bags. They're baggage. 83 00:05:08,683 --> 00:05:11,269 We are standing among the ruins of her last relationship. 84 00:05:11,645 --> 00:05:14,523 And it was one ugly breakup. 85 00:05:15,106 --> 00:05:16,233 I resent this. 86 00:05:16,900 --> 00:05:19,402 The only one who should have to pay for a bad relationship 87 00:05:19,486 --> 00:05:21,571 is the person in your next relationship. 88 00:05:21,655 --> 00:05:23,281 True, and here's hoping that isn't me. 89 00:05:24,783 --> 00:05:28,036 Last night Berger started opening the ex-file. 90 00:05:28,119 --> 00:05:30,080 Fascinating. What do you know so far? 91 00:05:30,288 --> 00:05:31,748 Well. Her name is Lauren, 92 00:05:31,832 --> 00:05:34,125 she bought him a Sharper Image sound machine. 93 00:05:34,209 --> 00:05:35,377 She's a monster. 94 00:05:35,460 --> 00:05:36,670 I mean, we just started dating. 95 00:05:36,753 --> 00:05:39,089 Do I really need to hear about the ex already? 96 00:05:39,172 --> 00:05:40,715 Yes. The sooner the better. 97 00:05:40,799 --> 00:05:43,802 Maybe it should be the later the better. Or better yet, the never the better. 98 00:05:43,885 --> 00:05:45,136 That's good tuna. 99 00:05:45,262 --> 00:05:47,806 Carrie, you have to know where he's been so you know what you're getting. 100 00:05:47,889 --> 00:05:50,892 As long as what you get doesn't itch, I say you're fine. 101 00:05:51,101 --> 00:05:52,769 Look, he has a past, I have a past. 102 00:05:52,853 --> 00:05:54,729 Do our pasts really have to have a present? 103 00:05:54,813 --> 00:05:57,274 Yes. At least find out how they broke up. 104 00:05:57,357 --> 00:05:59,276 That will tell you a lot about their relationship. 105 00:05:59,526 --> 00:06:02,070 See, I was hoping to skip all that and start fresh this time. 106 00:06:02,654 --> 00:06:03,655 Is that crazy? 107 00:06:03,738 --> 00:06:06,157 No. Here comes crazy. 108 00:06:06,992 --> 00:06:08,577 Look at this one. 109 00:06:08,660 --> 00:06:10,036 Little shoes. 110 00:06:10,120 --> 00:06:11,454 -Isn't this fun? -Ah. 111 00:06:11,705 --> 00:06:15,375 I mean, who needs a balding, 38-year-old boyfriend with erectile disfunction 112 00:06:15,500 --> 00:06:18,003 when you can have a new career and cute cater waiters? 113 00:06:18,628 --> 00:06:20,755 Excuse me. Champagne for the girls. 114 00:06:21,548 --> 00:06:22,799 Have fun! 115 00:06:23,967 --> 00:06:25,927 -Katie. Shoes. -Hi. 116 00:06:26,011 --> 00:06:28,346 Hey. Doesn't that waiter look familiar? 117 00:06:28,722 --> 00:06:30,265 I fucked him. 118 00:06:30,473 --> 00:06:32,183 Oh. That guy. 119 00:06:32,267 --> 00:06:36,104 It's that waiter from Raw, also known as the best sex I've had in years. 120 00:06:36,187 --> 00:06:37,063 Champagne, ladies? 121 00:06:37,772 --> 00:06:40,817 This party just got a whole lot more exciting. 122 00:06:41,234 --> 00:06:45,488 Okay. Just one glass and then we've got dinner reservations at 66. Yes? 123 00:06:45,572 --> 00:06:48,742 Okay, but I can't stay out late because I have a 9:00 a.m. conversion class 124 00:06:48,825 --> 00:06:49,701 at the synagogue. 125 00:06:49,784 --> 00:06:51,202 You had a two-hour class today. 126 00:06:51,286 --> 00:06:55,498 I know. I'm accelerating my studies. There's just so much to take in. 127 00:06:55,916 --> 00:07:01,254 The history, the tradition, the philosophy. Oy! You guys! 128 00:07:02,130 --> 00:07:04,299 -That was my first oy! 129 00:07:05,759 --> 00:07:07,761 - Hi, Victoria. - Hi. 130 00:07:08,219 --> 00:07:09,804 A whole bunch of folks just arrived, 131 00:07:09,888 --> 00:07:11,765 so I'm gonna need some more tuna tartlets. 132 00:07:19,314 --> 00:07:20,482 Hello? 133 00:07:30,283 --> 00:07:31,785 Oh, my God! 134 00:07:32,744 --> 00:07:35,497 I'm way too fucking fragile to see this. 135 00:07:36,665 --> 00:07:37,916 You're fired. 136 00:07:39,250 --> 00:07:41,127 This is my big purse party. 137 00:07:49,177 --> 00:07:52,305 Victoria, does this come in any other colors? 138 00:07:52,806 --> 00:07:54,891 Do I look like a fucking department store? 139 00:07:56,101 --> 00:07:58,478 -Get the fuck out of my apartment. 140 00:07:58,561 --> 00:08:00,689 All you bitches, get out of my apartment. 141 00:08:00,772 --> 00:08:01,773 Give it. 142 00:08:03,191 --> 00:08:04,442 Look what you did. 143 00:08:05,568 --> 00:08:07,654 I cut up my bedspread for this. 144 00:08:08,780 --> 00:08:09,906 Okay, dinnertime. 145 00:08:10,782 --> 00:08:13,159 The next day at Temple Emmanuel... 146 00:08:13,535 --> 00:08:15,787 Soon, you'll be ready for your mikvah. 147 00:08:16,663 --> 00:08:19,624 Who can tell me what the mikvah is? 148 00:08:20,333 --> 00:08:21,418 Yes, Charlotte. 149 00:08:21,626 --> 00:08:24,963 It's the ceremony that marks our official conversion to Judaism. 150 00:08:25,255 --> 00:08:26,131 Very good. 151 00:08:26,631 --> 00:08:29,259 And what does the service entail? 152 00:08:32,470 --> 00:08:33,596 Yes, Charlotte. 153 00:08:34,139 --> 00:08:38,018 It's a ritual bath where we are immersed in water and reborn a Jew. 154 00:08:38,476 --> 00:08:39,477 Very good. 155 00:08:39,769 --> 00:08:41,855 Charlotte, always the straight-A student, 156 00:08:42,272 --> 00:08:45,483 took to her Judaism class like a gefilte fish to water. 157 00:08:45,859 --> 00:08:48,361 As you come to rebirth as a Jew, 158 00:08:48,445 --> 00:08:51,156 you'll find special and new traditions to embrace. 159 00:08:51,406 --> 00:08:54,034 However, you must also bear in mind 160 00:08:54,117 --> 00:08:56,661 that you'll be letting go of your Christian traditions. 161 00:08:57,662 --> 00:09:01,332 Many find Christmas to be the most difficult to leave in the past. 162 00:09:01,791 --> 00:09:03,334 You must grieve this loss... 163 00:09:05,253 --> 00:09:07,172 it can be quite hard. 164 00:09:11,760 --> 00:09:13,386 And speaking of the past... 165 00:09:14,554 --> 00:09:16,931 It's half past two. You're 20 minutes late. 166 00:09:17,015 --> 00:09:18,224 I know. I got held up. 167 00:09:18,683 --> 00:09:19,976 I'm barely gonna make my appointment. 168 00:09:20,060 --> 00:09:23,146 I'm sorry. Debby had car trouble, so I took a cab. 169 00:09:23,229 --> 00:09:24,606 Debby? Who's Debby? 170 00:09:25,023 --> 00:09:26,191 Debby, the girl I'm seeing. 171 00:09:27,734 --> 00:09:28,693 Oh. 172 00:09:29,235 --> 00:09:32,781 So, Brady's changed and ready to go. Don't forget the diaper bag. 173 00:09:32,864 --> 00:09:35,116 And please try to have him back on time tomorrow. 174 00:09:35,241 --> 00:09:37,660 I'm sorry. I'm never late. It's just her car-- 175 00:09:37,744 --> 00:09:41,372 Steve, I don't need to know. I just need you not to be 20 minutes late again. 176 00:09:41,831 --> 00:09:42,874 Thanks. 177 00:09:47,962 --> 00:09:49,339 Excuse me, Rabbi Minsch. 178 00:09:49,964 --> 00:09:50,965 Yes, Charlotte? 179 00:09:51,049 --> 00:09:54,219 Um, I was just wondering what you said about Christmas. 180 00:09:54,803 --> 00:09:56,721 How exactly black and white is that? 181 00:09:56,805 --> 00:09:58,640 Charlotte, as a Jew, 182 00:09:58,723 --> 00:10:02,018 you have to embrace the new holidays and let go of the old. 183 00:10:02,685 --> 00:10:07,732 Keeping Christmas would be like being a vegetarian and still eating meat. 184 00:10:07,816 --> 00:10:09,234 Well, I wouldn't go to church or anything, 185 00:10:09,317 --> 00:10:10,902 but maybe I could still have a tree. 186 00:10:11,444 --> 00:10:12,445 No. 187 00:10:15,907 --> 00:10:17,117 -Caroling? -Uh-uh. 188 00:10:19,702 --> 00:10:21,412 -Rudolph. - No. 189 00:10:21,621 --> 00:10:23,581 -But Rabbi Minsch-- -Charlotte... 190 00:10:23,832 --> 00:10:26,334 if you are serious about becoming a Jew, 191 00:10:26,835 --> 00:10:30,004 you'll have to let go of the attachments to your past. 192 00:10:30,839 --> 00:10:33,633 From that day on, Charlotte would always think of him 193 00:10:33,716 --> 00:10:35,677 as the Minsch who stole Christmas. 194 00:10:36,928 --> 00:10:41,850 That night, miles from the Amazon, I was just drifting off to sleep when... 195 00:10:52,443 --> 00:10:53,444 Hello? 196 00:10:54,070 --> 00:10:55,655 Remember that red dress you had? 197 00:10:55,738 --> 00:10:57,657 What? Where are you? 198 00:10:57,740 --> 00:11:00,618 In California. In bed. 199 00:11:00,785 --> 00:11:01,828 Oh. 200 00:11:02,954 --> 00:11:04,164 I was sleeping. 201 00:11:05,832 --> 00:11:06,791 Alone? 202 00:11:06,958 --> 00:11:08,585 Yes. You woke me up. 203 00:11:09,961 --> 00:11:11,880 You never used to need so much sleep, kid. 204 00:11:11,963 --> 00:11:15,300 I'm old now. Like you. 205 00:11:15,967 --> 00:11:17,343 So, the red dress. 206 00:11:17,886 --> 00:11:19,304 Versace or Gucci? 207 00:11:19,554 --> 00:11:21,973 - That tiny little strap. -Gucci. 208 00:11:22,724 --> 00:11:25,727 And when I slipped one strap down, the other would fall. 209 00:11:26,561 --> 00:11:28,438 -Remember that dress? -Yes. 210 00:11:29,022 --> 00:11:31,274 Mm. You look good in that dress. 211 00:11:31,858 --> 00:11:33,067 Yes. 212 00:11:36,613 --> 00:11:40,283 Remember when I found you in your closet in just heels and a bra? 213 00:11:40,992 --> 00:11:44,162 And I came up behind you and put your hands against the wall? 214 00:11:44,704 --> 00:11:45,872 Remember that? 215 00:11:46,456 --> 00:11:48,333 -Hm? -Yes. 216 00:11:48,791 --> 00:11:50,210 So what'd you do last night? 217 00:11:50,460 --> 00:11:53,046 Oh, nothing. I went to bed early. 218 00:11:53,421 --> 00:11:56,174 -Had accidental phone sex with Big. -What? 219 00:11:56,257 --> 00:11:57,717 Brunch is suddenly looking up. 220 00:11:57,967 --> 00:12:00,094 Well, actually, he had phone sex. 221 00:12:00,178 --> 00:12:02,889 I was on the other end trying to figure out a polite way to get out of it. 222 00:12:02,972 --> 00:12:06,476 Turns out, there is no polite way to get out of phone sex. It's just... 223 00:12:06,559 --> 00:12:09,312 I wasn't aware that you and Big had phone sex. 224 00:12:09,520 --> 00:12:12,607 Occasionally. Since he moved away. 225 00:12:12,690 --> 00:12:14,150 You have phone sex? 226 00:12:14,234 --> 00:12:16,486 Well, I prefer to think of it not as phone sex, 227 00:12:16,569 --> 00:12:19,447 so much as a trip down memory lane. 228 00:12:19,739 --> 00:12:20,698 Well, the next time he calls, 229 00:12:20,782 --> 00:12:23,284 just tell him that you're in a serious relationship with Berger. 230 00:12:23,368 --> 00:12:26,537 But I'm not in a serious relationship with Berger. We're still just dating. 231 00:12:26,663 --> 00:12:29,332 I mean, it's good dating, but we don't know where it's going yet. 232 00:12:29,415 --> 00:12:30,875 Well, you're never gonna know where it's going 233 00:12:30,959 --> 00:12:32,543 if you keep reminiscing with Big. 234 00:12:32,627 --> 00:12:34,629 One doesn't have anything to do with the other. 235 00:12:34,712 --> 00:12:36,965 I just don't know why you wanna drag all that Big baggage 236 00:12:37,048 --> 00:12:38,466 into the new relationship. 237 00:12:38,549 --> 00:12:40,343 It's not baggage, it's Biggage. 238 00:12:40,802 --> 00:12:43,638 And Big is no more threat to Berger than Lauren is to me. 239 00:12:43,721 --> 00:12:45,014 - Pardon me. -Thank you. 240 00:12:45,306 --> 00:12:46,307 It's all in the past. 241 00:12:46,432 --> 00:12:47,976 And on your phone bill. 242 00:12:48,101 --> 00:12:50,520 He called me. I'm a lady. 243 00:12:52,981 --> 00:12:55,149 Oh. Come on, pudding. 244 00:12:55,233 --> 00:12:57,568 -Hey. -I'll get you a pacifier. 245 00:12:58,361 --> 00:12:59,237 Yeah. 246 00:12:59,862 --> 00:13:02,532 Look at all the shit Steve has in here. 247 00:13:03,825 --> 00:13:06,286 Oh, honey. Isn't the baby birth control enough? 248 00:13:06,369 --> 00:13:09,539 They're Steve's and Debby's, his new girlfriend. 249 00:13:09,622 --> 00:13:11,749 -That's her name. Debby. 250 00:13:11,833 --> 00:13:13,418 Where are they doing it? Gymboree? 251 00:13:13,543 --> 00:13:15,670 Debby does day care? 252 00:13:19,257 --> 00:13:22,885 Oh, honey relax. I have those in my mouth all the time. 253 00:13:23,386 --> 00:13:26,889 Later that day, I got to thinking about tense relationships. 254 00:13:27,348 --> 00:13:30,893 And by that, I mean a relationship and its connection to the past, 255 00:13:30,977 --> 00:13:33,021 present and future tense. 256 00:13:33,563 --> 00:13:34,605 At a certain age, 257 00:13:34,731 --> 00:13:37,984 we've all had relationships that far from past perfect. 258 00:13:38,109 --> 00:13:42,864 But how much does that past relationship affect our dream of a future perfect? 259 00:13:43,531 --> 00:13:45,700 And as I became more and more tense, 260 00:13:46,326 --> 00:13:47,910 I couldn't help but wonder, 261 00:13:48,828 --> 00:13:51,748 can you get to a future if your past is present? 262 00:13:54,125 --> 00:13:55,752 And over at Samantha's, 263 00:13:55,835 --> 00:13:59,005 a day of great sex was about to fade into the past. 264 00:13:59,088 --> 00:14:01,215 Are you absolutely sure you can't stay? 265 00:14:01,716 --> 00:14:03,968 Yeah, I gotta pull an extra shift over at the restaurant. 266 00:14:05,136 --> 00:14:06,888 I got fired from my other gig, remember? 267 00:14:08,431 --> 00:14:11,142 Listen, I do feel bad about what happened. 268 00:14:12,143 --> 00:14:14,312 And I wanted you to have this. 269 00:14:19,233 --> 00:14:20,234 $300? 270 00:14:20,735 --> 00:14:21,778 I made some calls. 271 00:14:21,861 --> 00:14:24,155 That is what the A list caterer is paid. 272 00:14:24,947 --> 00:14:26,991 Lady, you are fucking out of your mind. 273 00:14:32,747 --> 00:14:36,209 The next morning, after another fitful night of frogs... 274 00:14:36,959 --> 00:14:39,879 -So you're gonna be okay here? -Absolutely. Go. 275 00:14:39,962 --> 00:14:42,465 You know, it's just stupid standing breakfast thing 276 00:14:42,548 --> 00:14:43,800 with a bunch of writer buddies. 277 00:14:43,883 --> 00:14:47,095 I'd ask you along but we're a pretty pathetic bunch. 278 00:14:47,345 --> 00:14:50,139 Please go. And for the record, you, my friend, 279 00:14:50,765 --> 00:14:52,600 are not pathetic. 280 00:14:52,683 --> 00:14:54,268 -Ah. 281 00:14:58,731 --> 00:14:59,732 Hey, you gonna get that? 282 00:14:59,816 --> 00:15:02,944 You know what? 9:30 in the morning, one word. Telemarketer. 283 00:15:03,027 --> 00:15:05,405 -I think that's a two-word hyphenate. 284 00:15:05,488 --> 00:15:08,533 - Hey, Jack, it's Lauren... 285 00:15:09,575 --> 00:15:10,618 It was official. 286 00:15:10,701 --> 00:15:13,371 Lauren controlled every machine in the apartment. 287 00:15:13,454 --> 00:15:15,832 And uh, call me, I wanna talk to you. 288 00:15:16,582 --> 00:15:20,336 -Fuck you and fuck you! 289 00:15:20,461 --> 00:15:21,337 Bye-bye. 290 00:15:22,004 --> 00:15:23,589 -Bye-bye. 291 00:15:27,093 --> 00:15:28,469 You don't want your new boyfriend 292 00:15:28,553 --> 00:15:31,305 to still be in love with the ex, but you don't want... 293 00:15:34,142 --> 00:15:37,353 That is not the way you talk to your ex-decorator. 294 00:15:37,979 --> 00:15:41,566 Damn, and just when you thought you didn't have to open the ex-file. 295 00:15:41,983 --> 00:15:43,568 So he's doing a fuck you to the ex. 296 00:15:43,651 --> 00:15:45,987 As long as he keeps fucking you, what's the problem? 297 00:15:46,195 --> 00:15:47,989 The problem is, what's going on there? 298 00:15:48,072 --> 00:15:49,699 What big thing happened between them 299 00:15:49,782 --> 00:15:51,409 that would cause a double finger situation? 300 00:15:51,492 --> 00:15:53,494 And if it wasn't big, why is he still so angry? 301 00:15:53,870 --> 00:15:55,246 Does he have a problem with anger? 302 00:15:55,788 --> 00:15:57,790 And here come the questions. 303 00:15:58,040 --> 00:15:59,917 You're right. Men are crazy. 304 00:16:00,501 --> 00:16:03,254 I fucked that waiter at the party and he got fired for it. 305 00:16:03,546 --> 00:16:06,090 So, I gave him $300 the next time we fucked 306 00:16:06,215 --> 00:16:07,633 and now I think he's upset. 307 00:16:08,509 --> 00:16:10,344 Okay. Not the same situation. 308 00:16:10,428 --> 00:16:12,680 I don't see what the problem is. It's like a big tip. 309 00:16:12,805 --> 00:16:15,975 Now, $300 in a restaurant is a big tip. 310 00:16:16,058 --> 00:16:18,686 $300 in the bedroom is a big prostitute. 311 00:16:18,769 --> 00:16:20,271 Well, at least it wasn't phone sex. 312 00:16:20,563 --> 00:16:22,648 He called me. 313 00:16:22,732 --> 00:16:25,359 -Yeah, keep telling yourself that. 314 00:16:27,612 --> 00:16:28,613 Right on time. 315 00:16:28,696 --> 00:16:31,491 And I appreciate that. I do. Come in. 316 00:16:33,201 --> 00:16:36,704 I'm just getting Brady ready to go out for a night with his dad. 317 00:16:36,787 --> 00:16:40,666 Packing up the old diaper bag, making sure he has everything he needs. 318 00:16:40,750 --> 00:16:46,964 Uh, bottle, binkie, Trojans. 319 00:16:47,673 --> 00:16:48,508 Look, Miranda-- 320 00:16:48,591 --> 00:16:51,594 I'm not exactly thrilled that our baby is having sex already, 321 00:16:51,844 --> 00:16:53,763 but I sure am glad that he's using protection. 322 00:16:53,846 --> 00:16:56,307 Got your point. Very funny. 323 00:16:56,390 --> 00:16:58,768 No, Steve. Not funny, fucked up. 324 00:16:58,851 --> 00:17:00,102 Come on, it's just condoms. 325 00:17:00,186 --> 00:17:01,479 In the diaper bag, Steve? 326 00:17:01,562 --> 00:17:04,774 How much sex are you having that you need rubbers in the diaper bag? 327 00:17:04,857 --> 00:17:05,858 What's it to you? 328 00:17:06,984 --> 00:17:11,531 Apparently, some of Miranda's baggage had shifted during fight. 329 00:17:11,739 --> 00:17:15,117 I just don't think you're taking this parenting thing seriously. 330 00:17:15,326 --> 00:17:17,703 -What? -You show up late to pick him up. 331 00:17:17,787 --> 00:17:19,539 -One time. -More than one time. 332 00:17:19,622 --> 00:17:22,041 There was that time, that other time when you were late. 333 00:17:22,124 --> 00:17:25,211 -Okay. What's your problem? -This is not about me. 334 00:17:25,419 --> 00:17:28,631 This is about your need to start taking responsibility for your child, 335 00:17:28,714 --> 00:17:30,508 and clearly, there are times when you can't 336 00:17:30,591 --> 00:17:32,218 because your mind is somewhere else. 337 00:17:32,343 --> 00:17:33,594 What are you talking about? 338 00:17:33,678 --> 00:17:36,889 Like, when your penis is in some girl's vagina 339 00:17:37,056 --> 00:17:38,641 and you're having an orgasm while 340 00:17:38,766 --> 00:17:41,852 our baby is quietly suffocating in the other room. 341 00:17:41,936 --> 00:17:43,604 Debby and I never do it when he's awake. 342 00:17:43,688 --> 00:17:45,773 Okay. Steve. You're not getting this. 343 00:17:45,856 --> 00:17:50,319 I am saying, your focus needs to be totally and completely on Brady. 344 00:17:50,403 --> 00:17:53,030 My focus is always 100% 345 00:17:53,114 --> 00:17:55,658 -on Brady. 346 00:17:55,741 --> 00:17:56,951 -Brady! 347 00:18:02,832 --> 00:18:04,542 -See? 348 00:18:04,625 --> 00:18:07,336 That night, the only thing Miranda and Steve 349 00:18:07,420 --> 00:18:09,797 could agree on was separate diaper bags. 350 00:18:11,757 --> 00:18:13,801 And may all 351 00:18:13,884 --> 00:18:18,764 Your Christmases be white... 352 00:18:28,316 --> 00:18:30,443 Hey, beautiful, I'm here. 353 00:18:34,030 --> 00:18:35,031 What's all this? 354 00:18:35,990 --> 00:18:37,533 It's my last Christmas tree. 355 00:18:38,826 --> 00:18:39,869 It's July. 356 00:18:39,952 --> 00:18:41,954 That's right, so it doesn't count. 357 00:18:42,663 --> 00:18:46,584 Charlotte, honey. You can have a tree. Lots of Jews do. 358 00:18:46,667 --> 00:18:49,003 Mm-mm. Wouldn't be appropriate. 359 00:18:49,712 --> 00:18:50,796 Oh, look. 360 00:18:51,756 --> 00:18:54,467 Oh. It's my favorite ornament. 361 00:18:55,635 --> 00:18:57,345 "Silent night, holy night." See? 362 00:18:57,595 --> 00:19:00,431 That's the holy family in the nativity. 363 00:19:01,098 --> 00:19:02,850 This was my Grandma York's. 364 00:19:03,726 --> 00:19:06,979 It's so old. See how there's hardly any glitter left on the baby Jesus? 365 00:19:09,523 --> 00:19:11,984 It's very rare to have a blue Christmas ornament. 366 00:19:12,568 --> 00:19:14,487 -Is that a fact? -Yeah. 367 00:19:16,072 --> 00:19:18,532 They're usually red or green. 368 00:19:19,367 --> 00:19:20,201 Silver. 369 00:19:21,327 --> 00:19:24,538 Hm, gold. 370 00:19:25,956 --> 00:19:28,209 Keep Christmas, who cares? 371 00:19:28,292 --> 00:19:30,378 I do. I'm gonna do this right. 372 00:19:30,461 --> 00:19:32,630 I'm not gonna be a meat-eating vegetarian. 373 00:19:33,464 --> 00:19:34,965 No, these all have to go. 374 00:19:35,049 --> 00:19:37,593 Except this one. We're keeping this. 375 00:19:38,719 --> 00:19:40,429 What the hell? They were Jews too. 376 00:19:42,932 --> 00:19:47,978 Dreidel, dreidel, dreidel I made it out of clay 377 00:19:48,229 --> 00:19:50,981 And when it's something, something... 378 00:19:51,190 --> 00:19:53,734 -"Dry and ready." -Impressive. 379 00:19:54,276 --> 00:19:55,361 -"Dry and ready." -Mm-hm. 380 00:19:55,861 --> 00:19:58,739 Oh, dreidel, I will play. 381 00:20:00,866 --> 00:20:03,744 That night Charlotte realized the memory she was giving up, 382 00:20:04,161 --> 00:20:07,498 might be nothing compared to the memory she was getting. 383 00:20:09,750 --> 00:20:12,253 And Samantha realized, to make things right, 384 00:20:12,753 --> 00:20:15,423 she would need to service someone else for a change. 385 00:20:15,589 --> 00:20:18,801 Hello. My name is Samantha. 386 00:20:19,135 --> 00:20:21,262 I'll be your waitress this evening. 387 00:20:21,387 --> 00:20:23,889 Tonight, I will be serving you. 388 00:20:25,975 --> 00:20:27,685 You are fucking crazy. 389 00:20:27,768 --> 00:20:30,938 Well, Mr. Waiter, you have no idea. 390 00:20:31,147 --> 00:20:32,481 You don't know my name, do you? 391 00:20:32,565 --> 00:20:35,735 Of course I do... Paul. 392 00:20:36,277 --> 00:20:37,445 It's Jerry. 393 00:20:37,737 --> 00:20:38,696 I took a shot. 394 00:20:39,447 --> 00:20:42,992 When you're a waiter, you must always be aware, 395 00:20:44,201 --> 00:20:46,996 that the customer comes first. 396 00:20:49,290 --> 00:20:53,085 It's a hard, hard job. 397 00:20:55,296 --> 00:20:57,465 -You know, Samantha... -Mm-hm. 398 00:20:57,548 --> 00:20:58,966 I'm not just a waiter. 399 00:20:59,091 --> 00:21:01,552 Oh, is that right, Jamie? 400 00:21:01,635 --> 00:21:03,637 -Jerry. -You're right. 401 00:21:03,721 --> 00:21:06,098 Yeah. I'm an actor. 402 00:21:08,267 --> 00:21:10,144 Oh, God. There goes my hard-on. 403 00:21:15,733 --> 00:21:17,485 It's a good thing I still have mine. 404 00:21:18,944 --> 00:21:21,489 Samantha had had many waiters in her past 405 00:21:21,572 --> 00:21:25,201 but to the present day, this was her very first Jerry. 406 00:21:30,831 --> 00:21:33,250 As for me, I spent another night 407 00:21:33,584 --> 00:21:35,836 not sleeping in Berger's bed. 408 00:21:46,722 --> 00:21:47,723 You okay? 409 00:21:47,932 --> 00:21:48,974 No. I can't sleep. 410 00:21:49,850 --> 00:21:50,935 The frogs? 411 00:21:51,018 --> 00:21:52,353 No, the frogs are fine. 412 00:21:53,354 --> 00:21:54,396 What's up? 413 00:21:54,980 --> 00:21:57,316 Nothing. Nothing. Go back to sleep. 414 00:22:01,821 --> 00:22:04,698 -Jesus. -It's the frogs. I'll turn it off. 415 00:22:04,782 --> 00:22:07,618 No. No, it's not the frogs. 416 00:22:12,248 --> 00:22:13,916 -It's Lauren. -What about her? 417 00:22:13,999 --> 00:22:17,503 Okay for the record, I was hoping to skip this and start fresh. 418 00:22:18,838 --> 00:22:21,215 But what's going on with you and the double finger? 419 00:22:21,715 --> 00:22:22,758 The double what? 420 00:22:22,883 --> 00:22:24,718 The other day, to the answering machine? 421 00:22:26,679 --> 00:22:28,264 Oh, right. 422 00:22:28,597 --> 00:22:29,765 Do we need to talk about this? 423 00:22:31,016 --> 00:22:32,393 She just drives me crazy. 424 00:22:32,852 --> 00:22:33,978 You know, she keeps calling here. 425 00:22:34,061 --> 00:22:36,063 She wants to go out to lunch for closure. 426 00:22:36,230 --> 00:22:37,189 That's her word. 427 00:22:37,273 --> 00:22:39,733 I would never say "closure", certainly not at 2:00 in the morning. 428 00:22:40,818 --> 00:22:42,319 She keeps bugging me. 429 00:22:42,403 --> 00:22:44,613 She thinks it's important in order to move on. 430 00:22:51,537 --> 00:22:52,538 What do you think? 431 00:22:53,122 --> 00:22:55,875 I think that it's gonna take a lot more than a lunch. 432 00:22:59,587 --> 00:23:00,671 What? 433 00:23:01,380 --> 00:23:04,800 No. It's embarrassing. Uh... 434 00:23:08,512 --> 00:23:10,806 She cheated on me. That's how it ended. 435 00:23:10,890 --> 00:23:12,308 Uh, she broke my heart. 436 00:23:12,391 --> 00:23:16,729 And pretty much killed me and I was dead. 437 00:23:18,230 --> 00:23:20,190 Till you. 438 00:23:26,697 --> 00:23:28,949 And then there is another important first. 439 00:23:29,491 --> 00:23:32,995 The first time you realized this really might be something. 440 00:23:34,580 --> 00:23:35,748 You ever been that hurt? 441 00:23:37,583 --> 00:23:38,459 Yeah. 442 00:23:40,419 --> 00:23:42,296 You wanna tell me about it? 443 00:23:44,840 --> 00:23:45,966 -Sure. 444 00:23:46,133 --> 00:23:47,384 And just like that, 445 00:23:47,468 --> 00:23:51,221 we moved out of the present and into our future. 446 00:23:52,473 --> 00:23:53,641 How much time have you got? 447 00:23:53,724 --> 00:23:54,975 -I got all night. 448 00:23:57,061 --> 00:23:59,813 So now, it was time to clear up the past. 449 00:24:08,030 --> 00:24:09,740 -Ah! 450 00:24:17,039 --> 00:24:18,165 Hey, it's me. 451 00:24:18,332 --> 00:24:19,959 Well, hello there. 452 00:24:20,042 --> 00:24:21,001 Have you got a minute? 453 00:24:21,085 --> 00:24:23,879 Yeah sure. I'm just relaxing in my hot tub. 454 00:24:24,171 --> 00:24:29,176 A hot tub? Oh, shame on you. That is such a cliche. 455 00:24:29,259 --> 00:24:31,136 No. A Jacuzzi is cliche. 456 00:24:31,512 --> 00:24:33,389 -A hot tub is retro. 457 00:24:34,014 --> 00:24:37,476 Hey, remember the time we were in the jacuzzi in the Four Seasons... 458 00:24:37,559 --> 00:24:40,020 Okay, okay. Hold on there, partner. 459 00:24:40,104 --> 00:24:43,232 This is not gonna be one of those types of calls. 460 00:24:43,440 --> 00:24:46,860 What type of call? I was talking about when you lost your necklace in the jets. 461 00:24:47,361 --> 00:24:48,362 Oh. 462 00:24:48,445 --> 00:24:50,572 But if you'd like to make it one of those phone calls, 463 00:24:50,656 --> 00:24:54,535 I'm a $1 .50 for the first minute and $0.50 for each additional. 464 00:24:54,618 --> 00:24:55,619 Please stop. 465 00:24:56,078 --> 00:24:57,371 What's on your mind, baby? 466 00:24:59,206 --> 00:25:00,791 I was just calling to tell you 467 00:25:00,874 --> 00:25:04,503 that we won't be having any more of those calls. 468 00:25:05,421 --> 00:25:08,340 Oh. Really? Why is that? 469 00:25:08,716 --> 00:25:10,718 Because we're just friends now. 470 00:25:10,801 --> 00:25:12,219 Those are friendly calls. 471 00:25:12,594 --> 00:25:15,597 I don't talk to my friends like that. 472 00:25:15,764 --> 00:25:16,765 I do. 473 00:25:16,849 --> 00:25:19,601 Well, maybe that's why you have so few. 474 00:25:19,935 --> 00:25:22,479 You got me there. 475 00:25:26,191 --> 00:25:27,776 I started seeing someone. 476 00:25:27,860 --> 00:25:29,903 Were you seeing someone the other night? 477 00:25:30,821 --> 00:25:33,532 Yes. But it just got serious. 478 00:25:34,992 --> 00:25:35,951 I see. 479 00:25:36,577 --> 00:25:40,664 So, I think we have to leave all that in the past. 480 00:25:40,956 --> 00:25:43,292 Consider it in the past. 481 00:25:43,959 --> 00:25:45,335 But we'll stay friends. 482 00:25:47,004 --> 00:25:48,505 Ah, friends. 483 00:25:49,715 --> 00:25:50,674 Good friends. 484 00:25:52,760 --> 00:25:53,761 Hm. 485 00:25:54,261 --> 00:25:55,637 His name is Jack Berger. 486 00:25:56,180 --> 00:25:57,431 He's a writer as well. 487 00:26:00,017 --> 00:26:03,437 Okay, kid. Hey, give me a call sometime. 488 00:26:05,022 --> 00:26:06,565 Any kind of call you want. 489 00:26:16,325 --> 00:26:18,786 That night in the basement of a synagogue, 490 00:26:18,952 --> 00:26:21,914 after 75 accelerated classes, 491 00:26:22,414 --> 00:26:24,416 Charlotte, the Episcopalian princess 492 00:26:24,958 --> 00:26:26,877 was reborn a Jew, 493 00:26:30,089 --> 00:26:32,424 leaving the old Charlotte behind. 494 00:26:33,342 --> 00:26:34,885 Was this tub drained before me? 495 00:26:36,762 --> 00:26:38,806 Well, not all of her. 496 00:26:47,481 --> 00:26:48,398 Hey. 497 00:26:48,482 --> 00:26:51,068 I finally figured out what you needed. 498 00:26:51,151 --> 00:26:52,486 -Oh yeah? -Mm-hm. 499 00:26:52,569 --> 00:26:54,571 I thought about it and I thought about it, 500 00:26:54,655 --> 00:26:56,949 and I narrowed it down to two choices. 501 00:26:57,825 --> 00:27:01,120 A Pulitzer prize, or this? 502 00:27:01,954 --> 00:27:04,081 Well, I already have a Pulitzer. 503 00:27:04,164 --> 00:27:06,625 -You do? -Yeah, it's-- I don't like to brag. 504 00:27:06,708 --> 00:27:09,253 Well then, I chose right. 505 00:27:12,256 --> 00:27:13,298 It's for a fresh start. 506 00:27:13,382 --> 00:27:17,928 It's the newest sound machine they make with many other sounds besides frogs. 507 00:27:18,887 --> 00:27:20,472 I don't care for frogs. 508 00:27:20,681 --> 00:27:22,224 New start, new sound. 509 00:27:23,600 --> 00:27:25,102 -Deal. -Deal. 510 00:27:25,352 --> 00:27:27,729 -Deal. Oh... 511 00:27:37,948 --> 00:27:42,202 That same night, next to Berger and "Surf Sounds number 4, " 512 00:27:42,619 --> 00:27:46,248 I slept more soundly than I had in as long as I could remember.