1 00:00:48,015 --> 00:00:51,015 Two years ago, my friend, Susan Sharon, 2 00:00:51,017 --> 00:00:54,997 the east coast rep for a line of Italian cashmere sportswear, 3 00:00:55,004 --> 00:00:56,024 married a very mean man. 4 00:00:56,022 --> 00:00:59,012 What did I tell you about listening to my CD's? 5 00:01:00,005 --> 00:01:05,005 You put Natalie Imbruglia back in U2! 6 00:01:05,012 --> 00:01:07,022 Now, I only see her once or twice a year, 7 00:01:07,017 --> 00:01:09,017 generally when her husband is out of town. 8 00:01:09,021 --> 00:01:12,011 And now I cannot remember if I've taken my Halcion 9 00:01:12,009 --> 00:01:13,009 before dinner or not. 10 00:01:13,016 --> 00:01:15,016 So I take another one, I have a cocktail, 11 00:01:15,020 --> 00:01:17,000 I'm feeling no pain. 12 00:01:17,005 --> 00:01:18,995 The next thing I know this freaked out stewardess 13 00:01:19,005 --> 00:01:20,015 is slapping me awake. 14 00:01:20,020 --> 00:01:24,010 "Signora, Signora! Buona sera! Buona sera!" 15 00:01:25,002 --> 00:01:27,002 So I open my eyes, I look around the plane, 16 00:01:27,003 --> 00:01:28,013 it's completely empty. 17 00:01:29,006 --> 00:01:30,996 Turns out we landed in Milan 30 minutes ago. 18 00:01:31,005 --> 00:01:32,015 Oh, my God. 19 00:01:33,008 --> 00:01:34,008 Oh, you know what, come up to my apartment 20 00:01:34,013 --> 00:01:36,003 because I have something for you. 21 00:01:39,015 --> 00:01:40,015 Oh, wow. 22 00:01:40,021 --> 00:01:43,001 -The place looks fantastic. -Shh. 23 00:01:43,005 --> 00:01:44,995 -Richard's asleep. -Oh! 24 00:01:45,003 --> 00:01:47,013 -Be right back. -In the... okay. 25 00:01:47,014 --> 00:01:50,004 Susan Sharon and her husband had one of those very adult 26 00:01:50,005 --> 00:01:53,005 apartments that made me feel like I was about sixteen 27 00:01:53,009 --> 00:01:54,019 visiting the home of a friend whose parents 28 00:01:54,022 --> 00:01:57,012 thought I was a bad influence. 29 00:01:58,008 --> 00:01:59,018 ♪ Happy birthday, Carrie ♪ 30 00:02:00,001 --> 00:02:02,021 -♪ Happy birthday, Carrie ♪ -You didn't have to. 31 00:02:02,018 --> 00:02:06,008 -I know it's a little early. -Look at you, jeez. 32 00:02:09,010 --> 00:02:11,020 Oh, Susan Sharon, it's beautiful. 33 00:02:11,023 --> 00:02:15,003 It's 100% Italian cashmere and light as a feather. 34 00:02:15,003 --> 00:02:16,023 God, I love it. 35 00:02:17,000 --> 00:02:18,020 -It's a cashmere-ical. 36 00:02:18,019 --> 00:02:20,019 You wouldn't believe what Barneys gets for this. 37 00:02:20,023 --> 00:02:22,013 - Oh, don't tell me. -Nine hundred dollars. 38 00:02:22,012 --> 00:02:25,012 Nine hundred dollars for a scarf? No. 39 00:02:25,013 --> 00:02:27,013 Oh, no. 40 00:02:27,007 --> 00:02:29,997 Listen, do you mind if I return it? I could really use the cash. 41 00:02:30,002 --> 00:02:31,002 No, why not? 42 00:02:31,006 --> 00:02:33,006 Why do you think they call it cash-mere? 43 00:02:36,022 --> 00:02:38,012 What the hell is going on? 44 00:02:38,015 --> 00:02:39,015 Oh, sorry, honey. 45 00:02:39,021 --> 00:02:41,021 But Carrie had this idea about returning-- 46 00:02:41,022 --> 00:02:43,002 What... 47 00:02:43,004 --> 00:02:46,014 Was our agreement about visitors after 9 p.m.? 48 00:02:46,012 --> 00:02:48,012 I know, it's just that it's her birthday. 49 00:02:48,012 --> 00:02:50,012 I'm on London time! 50 00:02:50,010 --> 00:02:53,020 I got to be up in three hours when the markets open. 51 00:02:53,021 --> 00:02:56,021 So I'd really appreciate it if you'd take the fucking 52 00:02:57,000 --> 00:02:58,020 noise somewhere else. 53 00:02:59,000 --> 00:03:00,020 Okay, sweetie, I'm gonna give you a call, okay? 54 00:03:00,018 --> 00:03:02,008 Okay, you know what, just ignore him, 55 00:03:02,013 --> 00:03:04,013 -you don't have to leave. -No, shh. It's okay, it's okay, it's okay. 56 00:03:04,016 --> 00:03:06,006 I'll talk to you later. 57 00:03:07,007 --> 00:03:08,007 Goodnight, grumpy. 58 00:03:08,008 --> 00:03:09,998 Get the fuck out of my house! 59 00:03:10,006 --> 00:03:12,016 Taunting the psychotic spouse I realized... -Shut up! 60 00:03:12,020 --> 00:03:14,000 ...was not a wise move. 61 00:03:14,006 --> 00:03:16,006 -I will not shut up! -Just shut the fuck up! 62 00:03:18,023 --> 00:03:22,013 I wondered, could Susan Sharon's marriage be that bad 63 00:03:22,010 --> 00:03:25,010 or was their fighting just a form of foreplay? 64 00:03:25,007 --> 00:03:28,007 In which case, I was merely the catalyst to get things going. 65 00:03:35,003 --> 00:03:36,003 Hello. 66 00:03:36,002 --> 00:03:37,022 I am so sorry. 67 00:03:38,001 --> 00:03:39,011 I'm so embarrassed. 68 00:03:39,012 --> 00:03:41,012 No, don't be. He's just-- 69 00:03:41,013 --> 00:03:43,013 He's just tired and cranky. 70 00:03:43,014 --> 00:03:44,024 That was classic Richard. 71 00:03:45,001 --> 00:03:48,001 Tyrannical, emotionally abusive. 72 00:03:48,003 --> 00:03:49,023 I don't know what to do anymore. 73 00:03:49,018 --> 00:03:52,018 Well, maybe there were special circumstances tonight that-- 74 00:03:53,000 --> 00:03:53,020 He works hard. 75 00:03:53,022 --> 00:03:54,022 He's sleep deprived. 76 00:03:55,000 --> 00:03:56,000 Blah, blah, blah. 77 00:03:56,004 --> 00:03:58,004 I don't give a shit! 78 00:04:00,020 --> 00:04:02,020 What would you do if you were with a guy like that? 79 00:04:02,022 --> 00:04:04,002 Would you leave? 80 00:04:04,004 --> 00:04:05,014 Well, I, you know, if things didn't change. 81 00:04:05,023 --> 00:04:07,013 Well, they haven't. 82 00:04:08,000 --> 00:04:09,010 And they won't. 83 00:04:11,004 --> 00:04:12,004 So... 84 00:04:12,006 --> 00:04:13,006 You think I should leave him? 85 00:04:14,005 --> 00:04:15,005 If you're not happy. 86 00:04:15,011 --> 00:04:17,011 You know, life's too short. 87 00:04:19,004 --> 00:04:21,014 -I gotta go. As I hung up, I realized 88 00:04:21,013 --> 00:04:24,003 I had just been placed in a classic 89 00:04:24,002 --> 00:04:25,012 no-win situation. 90 00:04:25,015 --> 00:04:26,995 Telling a friend to leave her husband 91 00:04:27,006 --> 00:04:28,016 is something you just don't do. 92 00:04:29,001 --> 00:04:31,001 If she does break up with him, it's your fault. 93 00:04:31,003 --> 00:04:32,013 If she doesn't break up with him, 94 00:04:32,014 --> 00:04:34,014 she knows that you think that she should. 95 00:04:34,013 --> 00:04:35,023 And therefore can never speak to you again. 96 00:04:36,001 --> 00:04:37,011 Either way, you're screwed. 97 00:04:37,016 --> 00:04:40,016 Which is a shame, because there goes your cashmere connection. 98 00:04:40,019 --> 00:04:42,009 She had me at a weak moment. I was tired. 99 00:04:42,012 --> 00:04:44,022 I'd just been chased out of her apartment. 100 00:04:45,001 --> 00:04:46,021 I have a birthday looming. 101 00:04:47,016 --> 00:04:51,006 -I said too much. -No, I just think in an intimate relationship 102 00:04:51,015 --> 00:04:53,005 you should be able to say anything. 103 00:04:53,011 --> 00:04:54,021 I would highly disagree. 104 00:04:55,001 --> 00:04:56,011 Practically all the relationships I know 105 00:04:56,014 --> 00:04:58,004 are based on a foundation of lies 106 00:04:58,003 --> 00:05:00,013 and mutually accepted delusion. 107 00:05:01,006 --> 00:05:02,016 James and me, for instance. 108 00:05:03,001 --> 00:05:04,021 I pretend that he doesn't have a small dick. 109 00:05:04,023 --> 00:05:08,023 And he pretends not to notice we haven't had sex for three weeks. 110 00:05:08,018 --> 00:05:10,008 You should be working for the U.N. 111 00:05:10,009 --> 00:05:12,019 I happen to be in an intimate relationship at the moment. 112 00:05:12,018 --> 00:05:15,998 And I can tell you that the level of verbal discourse 113 00:05:16,005 --> 00:05:18,005 has become a little too intimate. 114 00:05:18,015 --> 00:05:20,005 Are we speaking of spring roll guy? 115 00:05:20,008 --> 00:05:21,998 -Mm-hmm. -Spring roll guy, who's that? 116 00:05:22,006 --> 00:05:25,006 Aaron Melman. He's a dermatologist I met at the Vietnamese 117 00:05:25,009 --> 00:05:27,009 lunch truck outside my building. 118 00:05:27,009 --> 00:05:28,019 So, what's the problem? 119 00:05:28,018 --> 00:05:30,998 The problem, if you can call it that, 120 00:05:31,005 --> 00:05:33,015 is spring roll guy liked to talk dirty in bed. 121 00:05:33,022 --> 00:05:37,022 Oh, baby, I just love the way your pussy feels. 122 00:05:38,002 --> 00:05:39,002 So wet. 123 00:05:39,006 --> 00:05:40,006 And warm. 124 00:05:40,008 --> 00:05:41,998 And tight. 125 00:05:42,022 --> 00:05:47,002 Kissing your beautiful tits feels unbelievably sexy. 126 00:05:47,009 --> 00:05:49,009 So hot and nasty. 127 00:05:49,016 --> 00:05:51,006 How's it feel to you? 128 00:05:51,007 --> 00:05:52,007 Umm. 129 00:05:52,020 --> 00:05:54,000 What you said. 130 00:05:54,004 --> 00:05:56,004 Oh, that can be a turn on! 131 00:05:56,002 --> 00:05:58,022 Sure. But now he wants me to reciprocate. 132 00:05:58,019 --> 00:05:59,019 And I can't. 133 00:06:00,000 --> 00:06:01,000 I never could. 134 00:06:01,002 --> 00:06:02,002 Why not? 135 00:06:02,003 --> 00:06:05,003 Because sex is not a time to chat. 136 00:06:05,003 --> 00:06:07,013 In fact, it's one of the few instances 137 00:06:07,015 --> 00:06:10,005 in my overly articulated, exceedingly verbal life, 138 00:06:10,015 --> 00:06:11,015 where it is perfectly appropriate, 139 00:06:11,021 --> 00:06:14,001 if not preferable to shut up. 140 00:06:14,002 --> 00:06:17,012 And now suddenly I have to worry about being stumped for conversation? 141 00:06:17,011 --> 00:06:20,011 -No, thank you. -Just keep talking about his big cock. 142 00:06:20,012 --> 00:06:23,022 Correction, his big beautiful cock. 143 00:06:24,001 --> 00:06:25,001 We're using the "c" word now? 144 00:06:25,005 --> 00:06:27,015 Sorry. I can't use adjectives. 145 00:06:27,019 --> 00:06:30,009 A simple "you're so hard" is often quite effective. 146 00:06:30,011 --> 00:06:33,001 Sometimes men just need to hear a little encouragement. 147 00:06:33,003 --> 00:06:34,003 Such as? 148 00:06:34,006 --> 00:06:36,006 You know, "Yeah, stud, that's right. 149 00:06:36,016 --> 00:06:37,006 Uh-huh. 150 00:06:37,015 --> 00:06:38,015 Don't stop, just like that. 151 00:06:38,023 --> 00:06:41,013 C'mon, fucker, don't stop." 152 00:06:42,001 --> 00:06:43,021 You're kidding, right? 153 00:06:44,001 --> 00:06:45,011 Wow! 154 00:06:45,016 --> 00:06:47,006 No, they like it. 155 00:06:47,020 --> 00:06:50,010 So are you-- Are you really telling us 156 00:06:50,009 --> 00:06:52,019 that during sex you're just, you're completely mute? 157 00:06:52,020 --> 00:06:55,020 No, I can do a good orgasm alert. 158 00:06:55,020 --> 00:06:58,010 You know, "I'm gonna cum, I'm gonna cum, I'm gonna cum." 159 00:06:58,011 --> 00:07:01,021 But that's because, you know, I'm gonna cum. 160 00:07:01,018 --> 00:07:03,018 Anything else feels like make believe. 161 00:07:03,018 --> 00:07:06,008 Well, if you really like this guy, 162 00:07:06,014 --> 00:07:08,024 then you're gonna have to start talking. 163 00:07:09,020 --> 00:07:11,010 Was Miranda right? 164 00:07:11,011 --> 00:07:12,021 Have we put such a premium 165 00:07:12,021 --> 00:07:14,011 on being open and honest with one another 166 00:07:14,010 --> 00:07:17,020 that we've misplaced the boundaries of propriety? 167 00:07:17,023 --> 00:07:20,003 Are there still certain things in a relationship 168 00:07:20,005 --> 00:07:22,005 one should never say? 169 00:07:22,009 --> 00:07:23,009 My best friend just got engaged 170 00:07:23,014 --> 00:07:25,004 to the biggest loser I've ever met. 171 00:07:25,005 --> 00:07:25,995 What am I supposed to tell her? 172 00:07:26,006 --> 00:07:28,006 "You're marrying an imbecile?" 173 00:07:28,010 --> 00:07:31,010 My wife, she's had her breasts done twice. 174 00:07:31,009 --> 00:07:34,019 They look fantastic, they feel like shit. 175 00:07:34,021 --> 00:07:36,011 I keep that thought to myself. 176 00:07:36,012 --> 00:07:40,002 I'm a single, 38-year-old woman still hoping to get married. 177 00:07:40,012 --> 00:07:42,002 I don't want to know the truth. 178 00:07:42,002 --> 00:07:45,002 I told Richard I couldn't spend another day married to a man 179 00:07:45,005 --> 00:07:47,015 who behaves like an utter asshole. 180 00:07:47,019 --> 00:07:49,019 There it was standing across from me. 181 00:07:49,023 --> 00:07:52,013 Biscotti-eating, cashmered-swattled proof 182 00:07:52,009 --> 00:07:53,999 that I had said too much. 183 00:07:54,004 --> 00:07:57,014 -Then what happened? -Well, once I said that, the flood gates just opened. 184 00:07:57,015 --> 00:07:59,015 He said to me that there was this moment during our wedding 185 00:07:59,019 --> 00:08:02,009 when he looked at me and he felt this huge wave of disappointment 186 00:08:02,009 --> 00:08:03,019 because I looked so generic. Hmm! 187 00:08:04,001 --> 00:08:06,011 And I said to him, you know what? On second thought, 188 00:08:06,008 --> 00:08:08,008 no, I don't think the Rogaine is working. 189 00:08:08,013 --> 00:08:10,013 So then he said to me that if I leave 190 00:08:10,007 --> 00:08:11,997 all he'll feel for me is pity. 191 00:08:12,002 --> 00:08:13,022 Because he'll be remarried within a year 192 00:08:13,020 --> 00:08:16,010 and I'll be single for the rest of my life. 193 00:08:16,010 --> 00:08:18,000 I didn't want to tell Susan Sharon 194 00:08:18,002 --> 00:08:20,012 that his last statement was probably true. 195 00:08:20,016 --> 00:08:23,006 I just feel like I owe you so much. 196 00:08:23,007 --> 00:08:26,017 I mean, if it wasn't for you, I wouldn't have had the guts to do this. 197 00:08:26,019 --> 00:08:29,019 -Oh, I didn't really tell you-- -It's like I was under house arrest for the past few years 198 00:08:29,021 --> 00:08:31,021 and now I'm suddenly free. 199 00:08:32,002 --> 00:08:34,012 So what are you gonna do? 200 00:08:34,019 --> 00:08:37,009 Do you mind if I stay at your place tonight? 201 00:08:37,011 --> 00:08:39,001 Oh, of course not. 202 00:08:39,004 --> 00:08:42,004 That evening as Susan Sharon squatted on my couch... 203 00:08:42,003 --> 00:08:43,013 Oh, God. 204 00:08:43,015 --> 00:08:46,005 ...Charlotte came home to the new male in her life. 205 00:08:46,007 --> 00:08:48,017 Fed up with lonely mornings, cuddle-free nights 206 00:08:48,023 --> 00:08:51,023 and the lack of unconditional love she so longed for, 207 00:08:51,018 --> 00:08:55,008 Charlotte decided to take matters into her own hands. 208 00:08:55,009 --> 00:09:00,019 She combed the city for the perfect specimen of breeding, style and trendiness. 209 00:09:00,021 --> 00:09:02,021 Henry, I'm home. 210 00:09:04,017 --> 00:09:05,997 -Hi, my good boy. 211 00:09:06,005 --> 00:09:08,005 Hello, Henry. 212 00:09:08,013 --> 00:09:09,023 My good boy. 213 00:09:09,020 --> 00:09:11,020 Until she found the perfect man, 214 00:09:11,019 --> 00:09:14,999 Charlotte would have the perfect dog. 215 00:09:15,002 --> 00:09:18,012 That night, Samantha, who was never any good at keeping a secret, 216 00:09:18,015 --> 00:09:20,005 suddenly found the one thing she couldn't say 217 00:09:20,012 --> 00:09:22,022 was the only thing she could think about. 218 00:09:22,022 --> 00:09:24,012 Sweetheart, is anything wrong? 219 00:09:25,002 --> 00:09:26,022 Because if there is, I want you to tell me. 220 00:09:27,000 --> 00:09:28,010 Oh, no, honey, I'm tired. 221 00:09:28,009 --> 00:09:30,999 Well, I just feel like you've become so distant. 222 00:09:31,006 --> 00:09:32,006 Like you're upset with me about something. 223 00:09:32,015 --> 00:09:35,005 I'm sorry, it's not you, it's me. 224 00:09:36,000 --> 00:09:38,000 I'm not upset about anything. 225 00:09:39,004 --> 00:09:40,014 You're wonderful. 226 00:09:42,008 --> 00:09:45,018 Will you do me a favor and come see a couple's counselor with me? 227 00:09:45,018 --> 00:09:46,998 Samantha dreaded the shrink 228 00:09:47,006 --> 00:09:49,006 the way most people feared the dentist. 229 00:09:49,021 --> 00:09:52,011 Well, if it's really important to you. I... 230 00:09:52,015 --> 00:09:53,015 Great. 231 00:09:54,002 --> 00:09:55,022 Goodnight. 232 00:09:55,022 --> 00:09:58,002 She suddenly longed for the simple days 233 00:09:58,003 --> 00:10:02,013 of emotional unavailability and hot one night stands. 234 00:10:05,002 --> 00:10:06,012 Meanwhile, across town, 235 00:10:06,011 --> 00:10:08,021 Miranda was appearing as Eliza Doolittle, 236 00:10:08,017 --> 00:10:10,017 in My "Filthy" Lady. 237 00:10:13,005 --> 00:10:16,005 I just love kissing this sensitive spot right here. 238 00:10:17,014 --> 00:10:19,004 You like that? 239 00:10:19,012 --> 00:10:20,022 Uh-huh. 240 00:10:21,009 --> 00:10:22,019 Tell me what you like. 241 00:10:24,005 --> 00:10:25,005 That. 242 00:10:27,003 --> 00:10:30,023 You like my hand there? Caressing your breast? 243 00:10:31,019 --> 00:10:34,999 -Sure. -Gently pinching your nipple. 244 00:10:35,010 --> 00:10:37,000 Fine. 245 00:10:37,015 --> 00:10:39,005 Oh, yeah. Kissing my chest. 246 00:10:39,014 --> 00:10:40,024 That's hot. 247 00:10:40,018 --> 00:10:42,008 That really turns me on. 248 00:10:43,008 --> 00:10:44,008 How's it feel? 249 00:10:45,004 --> 00:10:47,014 -Hot? -Hot. 250 00:10:48,017 --> 00:10:49,017 And? 251 00:10:51,009 --> 00:10:53,999 -Hairy? -Oh, God, you're getting me hard. 252 00:10:55,002 --> 00:10:56,022 Tell me how it feels. 253 00:10:57,010 --> 00:10:58,020 Big. 254 00:10:59,010 --> 00:11:00,010 And? 255 00:11:01,019 --> 00:11:03,009 Hard? 256 00:11:04,019 --> 00:11:07,009 -Rock hard. -Yeah, keep talking. 257 00:11:07,022 --> 00:11:10,002 A big rock. 258 00:11:10,004 --> 00:11:11,014 Yes. 259 00:11:11,008 --> 00:11:14,008 A hard rock. 260 00:11:14,013 --> 00:11:16,023 A big hard rock. 261 00:11:16,020 --> 00:11:17,020 Oh, yeah. 262 00:11:18,001 --> 00:11:20,011 -A sausage. -Oh, baby, you are so nasty. 263 00:11:20,015 --> 00:11:23,005 Surprisingly enough, once Miranda opened her mouth, 264 00:11:23,012 --> 00:11:25,012 she found it difficult to shut up. 265 00:11:25,011 --> 00:11:27,011 A big, throbbing, 266 00:11:27,009 --> 00:11:31,009 -rock-hard sausage. 267 00:11:31,011 --> 00:11:35,021 That night I took Susan Sharon to meet the new male in Charlotte's life. 268 00:11:35,019 --> 00:11:40,009 True to form, he was already falling far short of her high expectations. 269 00:11:41,007 --> 00:11:42,017 Well, he did it a minute ago. 270 00:11:42,023 --> 00:11:44,023 He was inconsistent... 271 00:11:45,014 --> 00:11:46,014 Get the ball, Henry. 272 00:11:46,015 --> 00:11:48,005 Selfishly stubborn, 273 00:11:48,007 --> 00:11:49,997 and hopelessly co-dependent. 274 00:11:50,006 --> 00:11:51,006 Isn't he smart? 275 00:11:51,009 --> 00:11:52,019 We shouldn't stay long. 276 00:11:52,021 --> 00:11:54,021 I want to be back at your apartment in case Richard calls. 277 00:11:54,018 --> 00:11:56,008 What do you mean, I thought you were leaving him? 278 00:11:56,007 --> 00:11:57,017 I am, but if he calls I want to be there to tell him 279 00:11:57,020 --> 00:11:59,000 that I don't want to talk to him. 280 00:11:59,003 --> 00:12:00,013 Well, that's really passive aggressive. 281 00:12:00,015 --> 00:12:01,995 You should only speak to him if you have something 282 00:12:02,002 --> 00:12:03,012 specific to say. 283 00:12:04,012 --> 00:12:05,022 Do you believe I married such a prick? 284 00:12:06,000 --> 00:12:08,000 Well, you didn't know he was a prick. 285 00:12:08,005 --> 00:12:10,015 I just can't believe that prick hasn't called. 286 00:12:10,017 --> 00:12:12,007 Although he does have this sweet side, you know, 287 00:12:12,009 --> 00:12:14,009 you just don't know him very well. 288 00:12:14,016 --> 00:12:16,006 Do you think I did the right thing, Henry? 289 00:12:16,013 --> 00:12:17,023 -Or should I give him another chance-- 290 00:12:19,009 --> 00:12:21,019 He's a dog, not an oracle. 291 00:12:26,000 --> 00:12:28,010 The next morning 292 00:12:28,011 --> 00:12:31,011 I woke up to an unsettling birthday surprise. 293 00:12:31,016 --> 00:12:33,016 Coming. 294 00:12:36,011 --> 00:12:38,021 -Oh. -Sign here. 295 00:12:41,001 --> 00:12:42,011 Thank you. 296 00:12:52,006 --> 00:12:53,006 Oh, my God. 297 00:12:53,018 --> 00:12:55,998 "Best wishes on your birthday." 298 00:12:56,006 --> 00:12:57,006 It's from Big. 299 00:12:57,012 --> 00:12:58,012 What kind of flowers? 300 00:12:58,013 --> 00:13:00,013 Roses, red. 301 00:13:01,003 --> 00:13:02,003 Big. 302 00:13:03,001 --> 00:13:04,001 Expensive. 303 00:13:04,017 --> 00:13:05,997 What do you think it means? 304 00:13:06,005 --> 00:13:07,015 It means rip up the card. 305 00:13:07,017 --> 00:13:08,997 And watch out for the thorns. 306 00:13:09,003 --> 00:13:11,013 No, no, no, this is the grand gesture. 307 00:13:11,016 --> 00:13:12,996 The grand gesture? 308 00:13:13,006 --> 00:13:16,016 Yeah, you know, if you break up with someone and they just 309 00:13:16,019 --> 00:13:18,009 disappear from your life altogether, 310 00:13:18,007 --> 00:13:19,017 well, then it wasn't meant to be. 311 00:13:19,020 --> 00:13:22,020 But if they make a powerful declaration of their love, 312 00:13:22,023 --> 00:13:24,013 then you really have to reconsider. 313 00:13:24,009 --> 00:13:26,009 You think a dozen roses and a card that says, 314 00:13:26,014 --> 00:13:28,024 "best wishes" qualifies as the grand gesture? 315 00:13:28,019 --> 00:13:30,999 Well, you know men, they can never say "I was wrong." 316 00:13:31,006 --> 00:13:32,996 They just send flowers. 317 00:13:33,002 --> 00:13:35,012 Yeah, well, sometimes a rose is just a rose. 318 00:13:35,016 --> 00:13:37,016 Now, jewelry, that's another story. 319 00:13:37,023 --> 00:13:38,023 Henry, no. 320 00:13:39,000 --> 00:13:41,010 Henry, no, not the purse. 321 00:13:41,007 --> 00:13:43,017 You know, I really don't need this on my birthday. 322 00:13:44,001 --> 00:13:45,011 I mean, really, what does this mean, 323 00:13:45,008 --> 00:13:47,018 the ball's in my court or something? 324 00:13:48,005 --> 00:13:50,005 I don't want to play games. 325 00:13:50,014 --> 00:13:51,024 This is not the grand gesture. 326 00:13:52,000 --> 00:13:53,020 This is the vague gesture. 327 00:13:53,020 --> 00:13:55,020 Which is truly worse than no gesture at all. 328 00:13:56,000 --> 00:13:57,010 You know, under the guise of being thoughtful 329 00:13:57,009 --> 00:13:58,019 he's actually being very selfish. 330 00:13:59,000 --> 00:14:00,010 I agree. He's muddied the waters. 331 00:14:00,016 --> 00:14:02,006 Oh, you're all just cuckoo. 332 00:14:02,008 --> 00:14:03,018 The man sends her flowers on her birthday 333 00:14:03,018 --> 00:14:05,018 and you're all condemning him. Henry, no. 334 00:14:05,021 --> 00:14:06,021 No, damnit. 335 00:14:07,001 --> 00:14:08,021 For chrissake, give that dog a break. 336 00:14:08,020 --> 00:14:10,010 He's already eaten four pairs of shoes. 337 00:14:10,016 --> 00:14:12,006 I just don't want him starting on the purses. 338 00:14:12,016 --> 00:14:14,016 Damnit, now. Okay, we're gonna go home. 339 00:14:14,022 --> 00:14:16,022 You said you wanted to get out and socialize, 340 00:14:16,018 --> 00:14:18,008 but you just have to learn how to behave. 341 00:14:18,015 --> 00:14:19,015 Bye. 342 00:14:20,012 --> 00:14:23,002 -Listen, you're just going to have to learn how to behave. 343 00:14:23,003 --> 00:14:24,023 I told you. I told you. 344 00:14:24,018 --> 00:14:26,008 Speaking of cuckoo. 345 00:14:26,014 --> 00:14:28,014 Charlotte was at the point in her relationship 346 00:14:28,014 --> 00:14:31,024 where she was starting to see the real Henry. 347 00:14:31,021 --> 00:14:34,001 But she did raise a valid question. 348 00:14:34,004 --> 00:14:39,024 Was "I was wrong" the one thing Mr. Big couldn't say? 349 00:14:39,017 --> 00:14:42,007 I realized that just because we were no longer together 350 00:14:42,007 --> 00:14:44,017 didn't mean I couldn't be polite. 351 00:14:46,021 --> 00:14:48,021 -Yeah. -Hey, it's me. 352 00:14:49,021 --> 00:14:51,001 Carrie. 353 00:14:51,003 --> 00:14:52,013 Hey, how are you doing? 354 00:14:52,013 --> 00:14:54,003 Great, great. 355 00:14:54,002 --> 00:14:55,022 Listen, I just wanted to call and thank you for the flowers. 356 00:14:56,001 --> 00:14:57,021 That was very thoughtful of you. 357 00:14:57,017 --> 00:14:58,017 Oh, yeah, yeah. 358 00:14:59,000 --> 00:15:01,010 Well, you know, my secretary had it on her calendar. 359 00:15:01,010 --> 00:15:02,010 So, I, you know. 360 00:15:02,014 --> 00:15:05,024 Oh, so your secretary sent them. 361 00:15:05,018 --> 00:15:08,998 No, I sent the flowers, my secretary alerted me 362 00:15:09,004 --> 00:15:10,014 to the day. 363 00:15:10,010 --> 00:15:12,010 Oh, well, that was very thoughtful of her 364 00:15:12,010 --> 00:15:13,020 and you for sending them. 365 00:15:14,000 --> 00:15:16,020 So, you're welcome, um, What are you doing on the big day? 366 00:15:16,020 --> 00:15:18,010 Oh, well, uh... 367 00:15:18,016 --> 00:15:20,996 Stanford's arranged this party down at Layla. 368 00:15:21,004 --> 00:15:23,004 You know, it's that Moroccan restaurant. 369 00:15:23,002 --> 00:15:24,022 You should come. 370 00:15:25,001 --> 00:15:26,011 The instant the words popped out of my mouth, I regretted them. 371 00:15:26,015 --> 00:15:30,015 Uh, well, I... I made some plans already, but... 372 00:15:31,001 --> 00:15:33,021 Or not. I mean just forget it. 373 00:15:33,018 --> 00:15:35,018 I could maybe stop by later. 374 00:15:35,022 --> 00:15:37,022 Oh, fine. I mean, whatever. 375 00:15:37,022 --> 00:15:40,022 Uh... I may bring someone. 376 00:15:40,022 --> 00:15:42,022 Well, yeah, uh... 377 00:15:42,023 --> 00:15:44,013 Come and bring that person. 378 00:15:44,009 --> 00:15:46,009 And maybe I'll see you later. 379 00:15:46,012 --> 00:15:49,022 And thank you again for the thoughtful flowers. 380 00:15:53,008 --> 00:15:54,018 I couldn't believe it. 381 00:15:55,001 --> 00:15:59,001 I had just invited my ex and his date to my birthday party. 382 00:15:59,002 --> 00:16:02,012 As if getting older wasn't traumatic enough. 383 00:16:02,012 --> 00:16:04,022 That afternoon in the office of Velma Rudin, 384 00:16:05,001 --> 00:16:07,021 celebrated psychologist and author of In-To-Me-See , 385 00:16:08,000 --> 00:16:10,000 A Couple's Guide To Intimacy , 386 00:16:10,002 --> 00:16:12,022 Samantha did her best not to say 387 00:16:12,020 --> 00:16:15,010 the one thing she knew she should not say. 388 00:16:15,011 --> 00:16:18,001 I can't help but notice that our sex life has diminished. 389 00:16:18,003 --> 00:16:20,013 That's normal, isn't it? I mean, after a while... 390 00:16:20,016 --> 00:16:22,006 How long has it been? 391 00:16:22,016 --> 00:16:24,016 -Um... -A month. 392 00:16:24,022 --> 00:16:27,002 Don't take it all so seriously. 393 00:16:27,002 --> 00:16:29,012 Have fun with your sexuality. 394 00:16:29,022 --> 00:16:32,022 Have you tried playing erotic games? 395 00:16:32,022 --> 00:16:36,002 Samantha had a burning desire to confess that James had been 396 00:16:36,006 --> 00:16:38,006 playing "Hide The Salami" since the day they met. 397 00:16:38,015 --> 00:16:41,015 I'm just not feeling very sexual these days. 398 00:16:43,006 --> 00:16:44,006 I saw you masturbating the other day 399 00:16:44,009 --> 00:16:46,009 when I came out of the shower. 400 00:16:47,016 --> 00:16:52,006 Many women are simply unable to achieve orgasm through intercourse. 401 00:16:52,013 --> 00:16:54,013 It's nothing to be ashamed of. 402 00:16:54,012 --> 00:16:56,012 I think you have a big problem with intimacy. 403 00:16:56,015 --> 00:16:58,015 -No, that's not it. -Then what is it? 404 00:16:59,000 --> 00:17:00,020 It's... it's nothing. Nothing. Forget about it. 405 00:17:00,021 --> 00:17:02,021 Sweetheart, there's nothing you can say 406 00:17:02,017 --> 00:17:04,007 -that can hurt me as long as it's what you're feeling. -It's nothing! 407 00:17:04,007 --> 00:17:06,997 That seems to be all the time we have for today. 408 00:17:07,004 --> 00:17:09,004 Nice work, you two. 409 00:17:09,002 --> 00:17:10,022 Shall we say next week, same time? 410 00:17:10,022 --> 00:17:12,012 Good for me. 411 00:17:13,003 --> 00:17:14,023 Samantha? 412 00:17:15,001 --> 00:17:18,011 The idea of seeing Velma "in-to-me-see" Rudin on a weekly basis 413 00:17:18,014 --> 00:17:21,014 was much more than Samantha could bear. 414 00:17:21,007 --> 00:17:23,007 Your penis is too small. 415 00:17:24,016 --> 00:17:25,016 Excuse me? 416 00:17:25,021 --> 00:17:29,001 It doesn't-- and it just-- 417 00:17:29,003 --> 00:17:30,023 It can't. And I can't. 418 00:17:30,019 --> 00:17:34,019 And it's... it's just too damn small. 419 00:17:36,001 --> 00:17:39,021 Did you ever stop to think that maybe your vagina is too big? 420 00:17:47,014 --> 00:17:49,024 What can I say... I need a big dick. 421 00:17:49,023 --> 00:17:51,023 I hear that. 422 00:17:51,019 --> 00:17:55,009 As Samantha paid the price of mentioning the unmentionable, 423 00:17:55,014 --> 00:17:57,024 Miranda discovered that free speech 424 00:17:57,020 --> 00:17:59,010 comes with a cost of its own. 425 00:17:59,007 --> 00:18:01,997 I just love putting my hand around your cock. 426 00:18:02,006 --> 00:18:04,016 I just love hearing you say "cock." 427 00:18:05,014 --> 00:18:08,004 Your big hard cock. 428 00:18:09,005 --> 00:18:11,015 Cock, cock, cock, cock. 429 00:18:12,003 --> 00:18:14,013 Why couldn't I ever say that before? 430 00:18:14,014 --> 00:18:16,014 It's just a word. 431 00:18:16,009 --> 00:18:19,009 And why does it turn us both on when I say it? 432 00:18:20,002 --> 00:18:21,012 What else do you like? 433 00:18:21,016 --> 00:18:22,996 I like it when you're rough. 434 00:18:23,006 --> 00:18:26,016 When you throw my legs over your head, I lose all control. 435 00:18:26,018 --> 00:18:29,008 Mm-hmm. And what do I like? 436 00:18:29,016 --> 00:18:32,016 You like it when I'm biting your nipple. 437 00:18:33,001 --> 00:18:36,001 Mm-hmm. And what else? 438 00:18:36,004 --> 00:18:39,024 You like it when I'm kissing your balls. 439 00:18:40,000 --> 00:18:42,010 Oh, yeah, keep going. 440 00:18:43,000 --> 00:18:46,010 And you really like it when I slip my finger in your ass. 441 00:18:50,003 --> 00:18:51,013 Excuse me? 442 00:18:51,007 --> 00:18:53,997 You just love a finger in your ass. 443 00:18:58,018 --> 00:19:01,008 How was I supposed to know that "you love a finger in your ass" 444 00:19:01,015 --> 00:19:03,015 is the one thing you can't say to a man in bed? 445 00:19:03,019 --> 00:19:05,009 Trust me, that's not the only thing. 446 00:19:05,013 --> 00:19:07,013 But it's true, he enjoys it. 447 00:19:07,007 --> 00:19:10,007 -So do a lot of men. -But no, they enjoy it, they just don't want it 448 00:19:10,011 --> 00:19:11,021 brought to their attention. 449 00:19:11,020 --> 00:19:14,010 Personally, I don't like anything in my ass. 450 00:19:16,006 --> 00:19:18,006 And I know that may come as a surprise. 451 00:19:18,008 --> 00:19:20,008 I just feel so betrayed, you know. 452 00:19:20,012 --> 00:19:22,012 He tried to get me to start talking dirty, 453 00:19:22,011 --> 00:19:24,011 then I got into it a little bit. 454 00:19:24,007 --> 00:19:25,017 And then he pulled the rug out from under me. 455 00:19:26,000 --> 00:19:27,010 Men are so frustratingly inconsistent. 456 00:19:27,010 --> 00:19:29,000 That's why I love my Henry. 457 00:19:29,003 --> 00:19:30,013 He's just a big love bug. 458 00:19:30,016 --> 00:19:32,006 You tell him anything and he just licks your face. 459 00:19:32,016 --> 00:19:34,016 Charlotte, you may be on to something. 460 00:19:35,021 --> 00:19:37,011 Waiter, another double vodka rocks 461 00:19:37,016 --> 00:19:38,016 for the birthday girl, please. 462 00:19:39,001 --> 00:19:41,001 The truth was vodka was my only ally. 463 00:19:41,006 --> 00:19:44,006 At any moment, Big was just gonna walk right in here with his gorgeous date, 464 00:19:44,013 --> 00:19:47,003 smile at me like some distant stranger and say something 465 00:19:47,006 --> 00:19:48,016 absolutely crushing like-- 466 00:19:48,023 --> 00:19:50,023 Happy birthday, baby. 467 00:19:51,023 --> 00:19:52,023 Hi. 468 00:19:52,023 --> 00:19:54,013 Hey, glad you could make it. 469 00:19:54,016 --> 00:19:56,006 Can't stay long. 470 00:19:56,010 --> 00:19:58,000 Left my camel outside. 471 00:19:59,010 --> 00:20:01,020 Oh. Carrie, you remember Jack, right? 472 00:20:01,023 --> 00:20:02,023 Jack? 473 00:20:02,022 --> 00:20:05,012 You mean, Jack is your date? 474 00:20:05,019 --> 00:20:07,009 Well, I wasn't aware that we were formally dating. 475 00:20:07,014 --> 00:20:11,004 -But now that you-- -It is so good to see you again. 476 00:20:11,005 --> 00:20:12,015 How have you been? 477 00:20:12,018 --> 00:20:14,998 Marvelous, just split up with a bitch who broke my heart. 478 00:20:15,009 --> 00:20:17,009 At least she didn't get my money. 479 00:20:17,009 --> 00:20:19,019 Well, happy birthday to me. 480 00:20:28,010 --> 00:20:31,020 An hour later, my Arabian Nights fantasy birthday 481 00:20:31,023 --> 00:20:34,013 suddenly felt like Midnight Express. 482 00:20:36,012 --> 00:20:37,012 How are you? 483 00:20:37,009 --> 00:20:39,019 Great. How are you? 484 00:20:40,001 --> 00:20:41,011 Good. Fine. 485 00:20:41,016 --> 00:20:42,996 Good. 486 00:20:43,002 --> 00:20:46,002 Excuse me. What is your ex doing at your birthday? 487 00:20:46,003 --> 00:20:48,013 I told him to drop by for a drink. 488 00:20:48,013 --> 00:20:50,013 Jeez, I didn't think he'd stay for a lap dance. 489 00:20:50,015 --> 00:20:53,015 Oh, my God, have you tried the baba ghanoush? 490 00:20:53,023 --> 00:20:55,013 It is to die for. 491 00:20:55,010 --> 00:20:57,000 I don't eat baba ghanoush. 492 00:20:57,005 --> 00:20:59,005 Ah, you don't know what you're missing. 493 00:20:59,016 --> 00:21:02,006 I can't believe the bastard had the nerve to show up. 494 00:21:02,018 --> 00:21:04,018 I can't believe what that woman can do with her bellybutton. 495 00:21:05,000 --> 00:21:07,010 Please, I think I'm about to lose my couscous. 496 00:21:07,015 --> 00:21:10,015 While I watched my ex get a Mesopotamian lap dance, 497 00:21:10,017 --> 00:21:13,007 Susan Sharon made a play for Mr. Marvelous. 498 00:21:13,013 --> 00:21:15,013 I don't know if I can deal with being single all over again. 499 00:21:15,016 --> 00:21:18,006 I mean, it's not like every relationship doesn't have its ups and downs, you know? 500 00:21:18,012 --> 00:21:20,012 It's just that my husband and I, we work very hard. 501 00:21:20,013 --> 00:21:22,023 And we probably don't spend enough down time together. 502 00:21:22,018 --> 00:21:25,008 You know, compounded by the fact that neither of us gets enough sleep. 503 00:21:25,013 --> 00:21:27,013 You know, but then again, who does? 504 00:21:27,016 --> 00:21:29,006 It's just that I really never imagined myself 505 00:21:29,015 --> 00:21:30,995 as a divorcée, you know? 506 00:21:31,006 --> 00:21:33,016 But I do think it's more important to till your own soil 507 00:21:33,018 --> 00:21:36,018 than it is to go in search of greener pastures. 508 00:21:38,002 --> 00:21:41,022 Do you ever shut the fuck up? 509 00:21:41,023 --> 00:21:45,013 In that moment, Susan Sharon suddenly realized how much 510 00:21:45,012 --> 00:21:47,022 she desperately missed her husband. 511 00:21:49,006 --> 00:21:50,996 Henry. 512 00:21:51,003 --> 00:21:54,013 That night Charlotte came home to a very unpleasant surprise. 513 00:21:55,022 --> 00:21:58,002 Oh-oh. 514 00:21:59,005 --> 00:22:02,005 Henry! 515 00:22:02,011 --> 00:22:06,001 Bad! 516 00:22:06,002 --> 00:22:08,012 Charlotte realized, like so many males before him, 517 00:22:08,013 --> 00:22:11,013 Henry had shit all over her perfect world. 518 00:22:11,007 --> 00:22:13,007 He and Charlotte soon parted ways. 519 00:22:13,008 --> 00:22:16,008 And the one thing she could never say was... 520 00:22:16,012 --> 00:22:18,002 "I got rid of the puppy." 521 00:22:18,006 --> 00:22:19,016 Of course we all know what happened to him. 522 00:22:20,000 --> 00:22:22,010 He'd become the glue that put Susan Sharon and her husband 523 00:22:22,016 --> 00:22:23,016 back together again. 524 00:22:25,000 --> 00:22:25,020 Shut up. 525 00:22:26,000 --> 00:22:27,010 -Shut the fuck up. 526 00:22:27,013 --> 00:22:28,023 Although neither of them could ever admit 527 00:22:28,022 --> 00:22:31,002 that a dog saved their marriage. 528 00:22:31,004 --> 00:22:33,014 And later that evening, as my birthday passed 529 00:22:33,012 --> 00:22:36,002 into the early morning hours of just another day, 530 00:22:36,002 --> 00:22:38,022 I found myself alone on the street with Mr. Big. 531 00:22:38,020 --> 00:22:40,010 So another year older. 532 00:22:40,007 --> 00:22:43,007 -And none the wiser. -Hey, that's the way it goes. 533 00:22:47,017 --> 00:22:48,017 Can I give you a ride home? 534 00:22:48,023 --> 00:22:50,013 No, I'm just gonna grab a cab. 535 00:22:50,013 --> 00:22:51,023 You need cab fare? 536 00:22:51,019 --> 00:22:52,999 No, I'm okay. 537 00:22:53,005 --> 00:22:54,015 Good 'cause I think I left all my 20's 538 00:22:54,022 --> 00:22:57,012 in that belly dancer's crotch. 539 00:23:02,004 --> 00:23:03,014 Well... 540 00:23:04,019 --> 00:23:05,999 Well. 541 00:23:06,005 --> 00:23:11,015 Goodnight. 542 00:23:32,007 --> 00:23:34,007 As I watched him go, 543 00:23:34,012 --> 00:23:38,012 I realized the one thing I couldn't say to Mr. Big was... 544 00:23:38,011 --> 00:23:40,021 I'm still not over you.