[Carrie] Two years ago, my friend, Susan Sharon,
the east coast rep for a line of Italian cashmere sportswear,
married a very mean man.
What did I tell you about listening to my CD's?
You put Natalie Imbruglia back in U2!
[Carrie] Now, I only see her once or twice a year,
generally when her husband is out of town.
And now I cannot remember if I've taken my Halcion
before dinner or not.
So I take another one, I have a cocktail,
I'm feeling no pain.
The next thing I know this freaked out stewardess
is slapping me awake.
"Signora, Signora! Buona sera! Buona sera!"
So I open my eyes, I look around the plane,
it's completely empty.
Turns out we landed in Milan 30 minutes ago.
Oh, my God.
Oh, you know what, come up to my apartment
because I have something for you.
[Carrie gasps]
Oh, wow.
-The place looks fantastic. -Shh.
-Richard's asleep. -Oh!
-Be right back. -In the... okay.
[Carrie] Susan Sharon and her husband had one of those very adult
apartments that made me feel like I was about sixteen
visiting the home of a friend whose parents
thought I was a bad influence.
♪ Happy birthday, Carrie ♪
-♪ Happy birthday, Carrie ♪ -You didn't have to.
-I know it's a little early. -Look at you, jeez.
Oh, Susan Sharon, it's beautiful.
It's 100% Italian cashmere and light as a feather.
God, I love it.
-It's a cashmere-ical. -[giggles]
You wouldn't believe what Barneys gets for this.
- Oh, don't tell me. -Nine hundred dollars.
Nine hundred dollars for a scarf? No.
Oh, no.
Listen, do you mind if I return it? I could really use the cash.
No, why not?
Why do you think they call it cash-mere?
[laughing]
What the hell is going on?
Oh, sorry, honey.
But Carrie had this idea about returning--
What...
Was our agreement about visitors after 9 p.m.?
I know, it's just that it's her birthday.
I'm on London time!
I got to be up in three hours when the markets open.
So I'd really appreciate it if you'd take the fucking
noise somewhere else.
Okay, sweetie, I'm gonna give you a call, okay?
Okay, you know what, just ignore him,
-you don't have to leave. -No, shh. It's okay, it's okay, it's okay.
I'll talk to you later.
Goodnight, grumpy.
Get the fuck out of my house!
-[Carrie] Taunting the psychotic spouse I realized... -Shut up!
[Carrie] ...was not a wise move.
-I will not shut up! -Just shut the fuck up!
[Carrie] I wondered, could Susan Sharon's marriage be that bad
or was their fighting just a form of foreplay?
In which case, I was merely the catalyst to get things going.
[phone ringing]
Hello.
I am so sorry.
I'm so embarrassed.
No, don't be. He's just--
He's just tired and cranky.
That was classic Richard.
Tyrannical, emotionally abusive.
I don't know what to do anymore.
Well, maybe there were special circumstances tonight that--
[Susan] He works hard.
He's sleep deprived.
Blah, blah, blah.
I don't give a shit!
What would you do if you were with a guy like that?
Would you leave?
Well, I, you know, if things didn't change.
Well, they haven't.
And they won't.
So...
You think I should leave him?
If you're not happy.
You know, life's too short.
[Richard coughs]
-I gotta go. -[Carrie] As I hung up, I realized
I had just been placed in a classic
no-win situation.
Telling a friend to leave her husband
is something you just don't do.
If she does break up with him, it's your fault.
If she doesn't break up with him,
she knows that you think that she should.
And therefore can never speak to you again.
Either way, you're screwed.
Which is a shame, because there goes your cashmere connection.
She had me at a weak moment. I was tired.
I'd just been chased out of her apartment.
I have a birthday looming.
-I said too much. -No, I just think in an intimate relationship
you should be able to say anything.
I would highly disagree.
Practically all the relationships I know
are based on a foundation of lies
and mutually accepted delusion.
James and me, for instance.
I pretend that he doesn't have a small dick.
And he pretends not to notice we haven't had sex for three weeks.
You should be working for the U.N.
I happen to be in an intimate relationship at the moment.
And I can tell you that the level of verbal discourse
has become a little too intimate.
Are we speaking of spring roll guy?
-Mm-hmm. -Spring roll guy, who's that?
[Miranda] Aaron Melman. He's a dermatologist I met at the Vietnamese
lunch truck outside my building.
So, what's the problem?
[Carrie] The problem, if you can call it that,
is spring roll guy liked to talk dirty in bed.
Oh, baby, I just love the way your pussy feels.
So wet.
And warm.
And tight.
Kissing your beautiful tits feels unbelievably sexy.
So hot and nasty.
How's it feel to you?
Umm.
What you said.
Oh, that can be a turn on!
Sure. But now he wants me to reciprocate.
And I can't.
I never could.
Why not?
Because sex is not a time to chat.
In fact, it's one of the few instances
in my overly articulated, exceedingly verbal life,
where it is perfectly appropriate,
if not preferable to shut up.
And now suddenly I have to worry about being stumped for conversation?
-No, thank you. -Just keep talking about his big cock.
Correction, his big beautiful cock.
We're using the "c" word now?
Sorry. I can't use adjectives.
A simple "you're so hard" is often quite effective.
Sometimes men just need to hear a little encouragement.
Such as?
You know, "Yeah, stud, that's right.
Uh-huh.
Don't stop, just like that.
C'mon, fucker, don't stop."
You're kidding, right?
[laughing] Wow!
No, they like it.
So are you-- Are you really telling us
that during sex you're just, you're completely mute?
No, I can do a good orgasm alert.
You know, "I'm gonna cum, I'm gonna cum, I'm gonna cum."
But that's because, you know, I'm gonna cum.
Anything else feels like make believe.
Well, if you really like this guy,
then you're gonna have to start talking.
[Carrie] Was Miranda right?
Have we put such a premium
on being open and honest with one another
that we've misplaced the boundaries of propriety?
Are there still certain things in a relationship
one should never say?
My best friend just got engaged
to the biggest loser I've ever met.
What am I supposed to tell her?
"You're marrying an imbecile?"
My wife, she's had her breasts done twice.
They look fantastic, they feel like shit.
I keep that thought to myself.
I'm a single, 38-year-old woman still hoping to get married.
I don't want to know the truth.
I told Richard I couldn't spend another day married to a man
who behaves like an utter asshole.
[Carrie] There it was standing across from me.
Biscotti-eating, cashmered-swattled proof
that I had said too much.
-Then what happened? -Well, once I said that, the flood gates just opened.
He said to me that there was this moment during our wedding
when he looked at me and he felt this huge wave of disappointment
because I looked so generic. Hmm!
And I said to him, you know what? On second thought,
no, I don't think the Rogaine is working.
So then he said to me that if I leave
all he'll feel for me is pity.
Because he'll be remarried within a year
and I'll be single for the rest of my life.
[Carrie] I didn't want to tell Susan Sharon
that his last statement was probably true.
I just feel like I owe you so much.
I mean, if it wasn't for you, I wouldn't have had the guts to do this.
-Oh, I didn't really tell you-- -It's like I was under house arrest for the past few years
and now I'm suddenly free.
So what are you gonna do?
Do you mind if I stay at your place tonight?
Oh, of course not.
[Carrie] That evening as Susan Sharon squatted on my couch...
Oh, God.
...Charlotte came home to the new male in her life.
Fed up with lonely mornings, cuddle-free nights
and the lack of unconditional love she so longed for,
Charlotte decided to take matters into her own hands.
She combed the city for the perfect specimen of breeding, style and trendiness.
Henry, I'm home.
-Hi, my good boy. -[barking]
Hello, Henry.
My good boy.
[Carrie] Until she found the perfect man,
Charlotte would have the perfect dog.
That night, Samantha, who was never any good at keeping a secret,
suddenly found the one thing she couldn't say
was the only thing she could think about.
Sweetheart, is anything wrong?
Because if there is, I want you to tell me.
Oh, no, honey, I'm tired.
Well, I just feel like you've become so distant.
Like you're upset with me about something.
I'm sorry, it's not you, it's me.
I'm not upset about anything.
You're wonderful.
Will you do me a favor and come see a couple's counselor with me?
[Carrie] Samantha dreaded the shrink
the way most people feared the dentist.
Well, if it's really important to you. I...
Great.
Goodnight.
[Carrie] She suddenly longed for the simple days
of emotional unavailability and hot one night stands.
Meanwhile, across town,
Miranda was appearing as Eliza Doolittle,
in My "Filthy" Lady.
[sighs]
I just love kissing this sensitive spot right here.
You like that?
Uh-huh.
Tell me what you like.
That.
You like my hand there? Caressing your breast?
-Sure. -Gently pinching your nipple.
Fine.
Oh, yeah. Kissing my chest.
That's hot.
That really turns me on.
How's it feel?
-Hot? -Hot.
And?
-Hairy? -Oh, God, you're getting me hard.
Tell me how it feels.
Big.
And?
Hard?
-Rock hard. -Yeah, keep talking.
A big rock.
Yes.
A hard rock.
A big hard rock.
Oh, yeah.
-A sausage. -Oh, baby, you are so nasty.
[Carrie] Surprisingly enough, once Miranda opened her mouth,
she found it difficult to shut up.
A big, throbbing,
-rock-hard sausage. -[explosive groan]
[Carrie] That night I took Susan Sharon to meet the new male in Charlotte's life.
True to form, he was already falling far short of her high expectations.
Well, he did it a minute ago.
[Carrie] He was inconsistent...
[Charlotte] Get the ball, Henry.
[Carrie] Selfishly stubborn,
and hopelessly co-dependent.
[Charlotte] Isn't he smart?
[Susan] We shouldn't stay long.
I want to be back at your apartment in case Richard calls.
What do you mean, I thought you were leaving him?
I am, but if he calls I want to be there to tell him
that I don't want to talk to him.
Well, that's really passive aggressive.
You should only speak to him if you have something
specific to say.
Do you believe I married such a prick?
Well, you didn't know he was a prick.
I just can't believe that prick hasn't called.
Although he does have this sweet side, you know,
you just don't know him very well.
Do you think I did the right thing, Henry?
-[Henry growling] -Or should I give him another chance--
[screaming]
He's a dog, not an oracle.
-[buzzer] -[Carrie] The next morning
I woke up to an unsettling birthday surprise.
Coming.
-Oh. -Sign here.
Thank you.
Oh, my God.
[Samantha] "Best wishes on your birthday."
It's from Big.
What kind of flowers?
Roses, red.
Big.
Expensive.
What do you think it means?
It means rip up the card.
And watch out for the thorns.
No, no, no, this is the grand gesture.
The grand gesture?
Yeah, you know, if you break up with someone and they just
disappear from your life altogether,
well, then it wasn't meant to be.
But if they make a powerful declaration of their love,
then you really have to reconsider.
You think a dozen roses and a card that says,
"best wishes" qualifies as the grand gesture?
Well, you know men, they can never say "I was wrong."
They just send flowers.
Yeah, well, sometimes a rose is just a rose.
Now, jewelry, that's another story.
[Charlotte] Henry, no.
Henry, no, not the purse.
You know, I really don't need this on my birthday.
I mean, really, what does this mean,
the ball's in my court or something?
I don't want to play games.
This is not the grand gesture.
This is the vague gesture.
Which is truly worse than no gesture at all.
You know, under the guise of being thoughtful
he's actually being very selfish.
I agree. He's muddied the waters.
[Charlotte] Oh, you're all just cuckoo.
The man sends her flowers on her birthday
and you're all condemning him. Henry, no.
No, damnit.
For chrissake, give that dog a break.
He's already eaten four pairs of shoes.
I just don't want him starting on the purses.
Damnit, now. Okay, we're gonna go home.
You said you wanted to get out and socialize,
but you just have to learn how to behave.
Bye.
-Listen, you're just going to have to learn how to behave. -[Henry growling]
[Charlotte] I told you. I told you.
Speaking of cuckoo.
[Carrie] Charlotte was at the point in her relationship
where she was starting to see the real Henry.
But she did raise a valid question.
Was "I was wrong" the one thing Mr. Big couldn't say?
I realized that just because we were no longer together
didn't mean I couldn't be polite.
[phone ringing]
-Yeah. -Hey, it's me.
Carrie.
Hey, how are you doing?
Great, great.
Listen, I just wanted to call and thank you for the flowers.
That was very thoughtful of you.
Oh, yeah, yeah.
Well, you know, my secretary had it on her calendar.
So, I, you know.
Oh, so your secretary sent them.
No, I sent the flowers, my secretary alerted me
to the day.
Oh, well, that was very thoughtful of her
and you for sending them.
So, you're welcome, um, What are you doing on the big day?
Oh, well, uh...
Stanford's arranged this party down at Layla.
You know, it's that Moroccan restaurant.
You should come.
[Carrie] The instant the words popped out of my mouth, I regretted them.
Uh, well, I... I made some plans already, but...
Or not. I mean just forget it.
I could maybe stop by later.
Oh, fine. I mean, whatever.
Uh... I may bring someone.
Well, yeah, uh...
Come and bring that person.
And maybe I'll see you later.
And thank you again for the thoughtful flowers.
[Carrie] I couldn't believe it.
I had just invited my ex and his date to my birthday party.
As if getting older wasn't traumatic enough.
That afternoon in the office of Velma Rudin,
celebrated psychologist and author of In-To-Me-See ,
A Couple's Guide To Intimacy ,
Samantha did her best not to say
the one thing she knew she should not say.
I can't help but notice that our sex life has diminished.
That's normal, isn't it? I mean, after a while...
How long has it been?
-Um... -A month.
Don't take it all so seriously.
Have fun with your sexuality.
Have you tried playing erotic games?
[Carrie] Samantha had a burning desire to confess that James had been
playing "Hide The Salami" since the day they met.
I'm just not feeling very sexual these days.
I saw you masturbating the other day
when I came out of the shower.
Many women are simply unable to achieve orgasm through intercourse.
It's nothing to be ashamed of.
I think you have a big problem with intimacy.
-No, that's not it. -Then what is it?
[Samantha] It's... it's nothing. Nothing. Forget about it.
Sweetheart, there's nothing you can say
-that can hurt me as long as it's what you're feeling. -It's nothing!
That seems to be all the time we have for today.
Nice work, you two.
Shall we say next week, same time?
[James] Good for me.
Samantha?
[Carrie] The idea of seeing Velma "in-to-me-see" Rudin on a weekly basis
was much more than Samantha could bear.
Your penis is too small.
Excuse me?
It doesn't-- and it just--
It can't. And I can't.
And it's... it's just too damn small.
Did you ever stop to think that maybe your vagina is too big?
What can I say... I need a big dick.
I hear that.
[Carrie] As Samantha paid the price of mentioning the unmentionable,
Miranda discovered that free speech
comes with a cost of its own.
I just love putting my hand around your cock.
I just love hearing you say "cock."
Your big hard cock.
Cock, cock, cock, cock.
Why couldn't I ever say that before?
It's just a word.
And why does it turn us both on when I say it?
What else do you like?
I like it when you're rough.
When you throw my legs over your head, I lose all control.
Mm-hmm. And what do I like?
You like it when I'm biting your nipple.
Mm-hmm. And what else?
You like it when I'm kissing your balls.
Oh, yeah, keep going.
And you really like it when I slip my finger in your ass.
Excuse me?
You just love a finger in your ass.
[growls]
How was I supposed to know that "you love a finger in your ass"
is the one thing you can't say to a man in bed?
Trust me, that's not the only thing.
But it's true, he enjoys it.
-So do a lot of men. -But no, they enjoy it, they just don't want it
brought to their attention.
Personally, I don't like anything in my ass.
[all laughing]
And I know that may come as a surprise.
I just feel so betrayed, you know.
He tried to get me to start talking dirty,
then I got into it a little bit.
And then he pulled the rug out from under me.
Men are so frustratingly inconsistent.
That's why I love my Henry.
He's just a big love bug.
You tell him anything and he just licks your face.
Charlotte, you may be on to something.
Waiter, another double vodka rocks
for the birthday girl, please.
The truth was vodka was my only ally.
At any moment, Big was just gonna walk right in here with his gorgeous date,
smile at me like some distant stranger and say something
absolutely crushing like--
Happy birthday, baby.
Hi.
Hey, glad you could make it.
[Big] Can't stay long.
Left my camel outside.
Oh. Carrie, you remember Jack, right?
Jack?
You mean, Jack is your date?
Well, I wasn't aware that we were formally dating.
-But now that you-- -It is so good to see you again.
How have you been?
Marvelous, just split up with a bitch who broke my heart.
At least she didn't get my money.
Well, happy birthday to me.
[Middle Eastern music playing]
An hour later, my Arabian Nights fantasy birthday
suddenly felt like Midnight Express.
How are you?
Great. How are you?
Good. Fine.
Good.
Excuse me. What is your ex doing at your birthday?
I told him to drop by for a drink.
Jeez, I didn't think he'd stay for a lap dance.
[Susan] Oh, my God, have you tried the baba ghanoush?
It is to die for.
I don't eat baba ghanoush.
Ah, you don't know what you're missing.
I can't believe the bastard had the nerve to show up.
I can't believe what that woman can do with her bellybutton.
Please, I think I'm about to lose my couscous.
[Carrie] While I watched my ex get a Mesopotamian lap dance,
Susan Sharon made a play for Mr. Marvelous.
I don't know if I can deal with being single all over again.
I mean, it's not like every relationship doesn't have its ups and downs, you know?
It's just that my husband and I, we work very hard.
And we probably don't spend enough down time together.
You know, compounded by the fact that neither of us gets enough sleep.
You know, but then again, who does?
It's just that I really never imagined myself
as a divorcée, you know?
But I do think it's more important to till your own soil
than it is to go in search of greener pastures.
Do you ever shut the fuck up?
[Carrie] In that moment, Susan Sharon suddenly realized how much
she desperately missed her husband.
Henry.
[Carrie] That night Charlotte came home to a very unpleasant surprise.
[gasps]
Oh-oh.
Henry!
Bad!
[Carrie] Charlotte realized, like so many males before him,
Henry had shit all over her perfect world.
He and Charlotte soon parted ways.
And the one thing she could never say was...
"I got rid of the puppy."
Of course we all know what happened to him.
He'd become the glue that put Susan Sharon and her husband
back together again.
[barks]
Shut up.
-[barking] -Shut the fuck up.
[Carrie] Although neither of them could ever admit
that a dog saved their marriage.
And later that evening, as my birthday passed
into the early morning hours of just another day,
I found myself alone on the street with Mr. Big.
So another year older.
-And none the wiser. -Hey, that's the way it goes.
[Carrie chuckles]
Can I give you a ride home?
No, I'm just gonna grab a cab.
You need cab fare?
No, I'm okay.
Good 'cause I think I left all my 20's
in that belly dancer's crotch.
[laughs]
Well...
Well.
Goodnight.
[car motor revving]
[Carrie] As I watched him go,
I realized the one thing I couldn't say to Mr. Big was...
I'm still not over you.