1
00:01:00,417 --> 00:01:03,247
Everyone has
a worst nightmare.
2
00:01:03,333 --> 00:01:05,673
For some,
it's bathing suit season.
3
00:01:05,750 --> 00:01:07,380
For others, it's knowing
your birth certificate
4
00:01:07,458 --> 00:01:09,628
can never be legally destroyed.
5
00:01:10,250 --> 00:01:11,420
For Miranda,
6
00:01:11,500 --> 00:01:13,670
it was family hour at her gym.
7
00:01:14,041 --> 00:01:15,461
Hey! What the--?
8
00:01:21,959 --> 00:01:23,499
Kiddie Jazzercise,
9
00:01:23,583 --> 00:01:25,293
aerobics room one,
10
00:01:25,375 --> 00:01:26,785
five minutes.
11
00:01:26,875 --> 00:01:28,415
On Sundays,
her whole neighborhood
12
00:01:28,500 --> 00:01:31,580
became occupied territory,
under siege to children.
13
00:01:31,667 --> 00:01:35,627
They were everywhere.
Movie theaters, restaurants,
bookstores, hair salons...
14
00:01:35,709 --> 00:01:38,669
Starbucks was basically
a stroller parking lot.
15
00:01:38,750 --> 00:01:42,830
Was it too much to hope
for one small space
to call her own?
16
00:01:44,625 --> 00:01:46,825
Uh, don't touch it,
don't touch it. Please?
17
00:01:48,166 --> 00:01:49,576
Is there a problem?
18
00:01:49,667 --> 00:01:52,167
No, no, it's just that he really
likes to push the button.
19
00:01:52,625 --> 00:01:54,875
Okay, fine,
I'm in kind of a rush. Push one?
20
00:01:55,083 --> 00:01:56,463
Ah, Simon, see?
This very pretty lady
21
00:01:56,542 --> 00:01:58,172
said that you could push
the button.
22
00:01:59,417 --> 00:02:00,247
Ah!
23
00:02:00,333 --> 00:02:01,333
Oh!
24
00:02:02,166 --> 00:02:03,036
So sorry.
25
00:02:03,125 --> 00:02:05,075
I'm sure it's just a phase.
26
00:02:05,166 --> 00:02:09,746
Mm, yeah. The guilty,
overindulgent phase
of a d-i-v-o-r-c-e.
27
00:02:10,458 --> 00:02:11,418
Ah.
28
00:02:14,500 --> 00:02:15,880
Daddy.
29
00:02:15,959 --> 00:02:18,379
Simon, we're not
being very nice to, um...
30
00:02:19,166 --> 00:02:21,076
Miranda.
31
00:02:21,542 --> 00:02:23,712
Sounds kind of like
a princess name, doesn't it?
32
00:02:24,417 --> 00:02:25,877
Stop talking.
33
00:02:29,208 --> 00:02:30,458
I'm going to bite you.
34
00:02:31,041 --> 00:02:32,291
Do you want to go
to the toy store later?
35
00:02:32,375 --> 00:02:33,245
Yes.
36
00:02:33,333 --> 00:02:34,423
Well, then, don't bite me.
37
00:02:36,959 --> 00:02:39,879
See, I'm in violation
of every parenting book
ever written.
38
00:02:39,959 --> 00:02:40,919
Hm.
39
00:02:42,041 --> 00:02:43,961
-Do you have kids?
-Uh, no.
40
00:02:44,041 --> 00:02:45,041
Married?
41
00:02:46,875 --> 00:02:49,035
-Well, here we are!
-At last!
42
00:02:51,125 --> 00:02:54,125
Any chance I could persuade you
to take another ride?
43
00:03:02,709 --> 00:03:04,249
His name
was Roger Cobb,
44
00:03:04,333 --> 00:03:06,463
and it only took him
another floor and a half
45
00:03:06,542 --> 00:03:09,042
to ask Miranda
for her phone number.
46
00:03:09,125 --> 00:03:11,285
The whole thing might
have been very romantic
47
00:03:11,375 --> 00:03:13,375
if Simon hadn't peed
in his pants.
48
00:03:13,583 --> 00:03:15,173
I don't wear vintage clothes,
49
00:03:15,250 --> 00:03:17,750
I hate flea markets,
I don't collect antiques,
50
00:03:17,834 --> 00:03:19,834
is it too much to ask
that he not be...
51
00:03:19,917 --> 00:03:22,497
-I don't know. Used?
-Okay, before it goes
any further,
52
00:03:22,583 --> 00:03:25,423
just make sure his parts
are still under warranty.
53
00:03:25,625 --> 00:03:27,375
It's like chewing
somebody else's gum.
54
00:03:27,458 --> 00:03:29,578
Well, divorced men
do come with baggage.
55
00:03:29,667 --> 00:03:32,247
Yeah, baggage is one thing.
But when they come with kids...
56
00:03:32,333 --> 00:03:34,793
Especially kids with bladder
control issues.
57
00:03:35,166 --> 00:03:36,666
-Here's what I think.
-Mm-hm?
58
00:03:36,750 --> 00:03:39,170
Round up all the divorced
men and keep them in a pound.
59
00:03:39,583 --> 00:03:42,543
That way, you get
their whole history
before you take one home.
60
00:03:42,625 --> 00:03:45,165
Just because a man is divorced
doesn't mean he has a problem.
61
00:03:45,250 --> 00:03:46,420
Like my brother Wesley.
62
00:03:46,500 --> 00:03:48,130
He's just separated
from his wife, Leslie,
63
00:03:48,208 --> 00:03:49,288
-and he is--
-Eh!
64
00:03:49,709 --> 00:03:51,039
Wesley and Leslie?
65
00:03:51,375 --> 00:03:53,285
-I don't think so.
-What is that?
66
00:03:53,375 --> 00:03:55,125
Marriage by Mother Goose?
67
00:03:55,208 --> 00:03:57,078
-Definitely a candidate
for the pound.
-Mm.
68
00:03:57,166 --> 00:03:59,876
Okay, I was going to ask you all
to meet him because he's coming
69
00:03:59,959 --> 00:04:01,669
to visit me. And now, forget it.
70
00:04:01,750 --> 00:04:05,380
No, no, no, honey, we want to
meet Wesley of Wesley
and Leslie.
71
00:04:05,458 --> 00:04:07,828
And, P. S.,
does he work for Nestlé?
72
00:04:09,333 --> 00:04:10,833
My brother's very important
to me,
73
00:04:10,917 --> 00:04:12,457
and I'm not going to
have him subjected
74
00:04:12,542 --> 00:04:14,542
to scrutiny and ridicule.
75
00:04:15,208 --> 00:04:16,328
I'll be scrutiny.
76
00:04:16,583 --> 00:04:18,423
-You'll be ridicule.
-I always have to be ridicule.
77
00:04:18,500 --> 00:04:20,330
Why can't you
be ridicule for once?
78
00:04:20,417 --> 00:04:21,497
I know.
79
00:04:22,792 --> 00:04:25,712
As for me, rather than sort
through the half-off bin,
80
00:04:25,792 --> 00:04:28,792
I was dating someone
brand spanking new.
81
00:04:28,875 --> 00:04:32,125
I met Vaughn Weisel
at a PEN luncheon a month ago.
82
00:04:32,208 --> 00:04:33,918
It's amazing how much
better looking
83
00:04:34,000 --> 00:04:35,380
fiction writers have become.
84
00:04:35,458 --> 00:04:36,918
Still up for a movie?
85
00:04:37,000 --> 00:04:39,080
Yeah, I just gotta drop
these books by my
parents' place.
86
00:04:39,166 --> 00:04:40,166
It's on the way.
87
00:04:41,834 --> 00:04:43,044
Hey, eh, GQ called.
88
00:04:43,125 --> 00:04:44,995
Really? They want you
to write something?
89
00:04:45,083 --> 00:04:46,883
No, they want me
to wear something.
90
00:04:47,417 --> 00:04:48,667
It's so great to be
a writer these days.
91
00:04:48,750 --> 00:04:50,330
There's just so little
writing involved.
92
00:04:50,959 --> 00:04:53,129
Just don't be photographed
in anything sleeveless.
93
00:04:53,208 --> 00:04:55,498
No one who went sleeveless
ever won a Pulitzer.
94
00:04:56,041 --> 00:04:58,001
It's just a little tip
from me to you.
95
00:05:00,291 --> 00:05:02,581
Hey, wow, nice townhouse!
96
00:05:02,667 --> 00:05:04,827
-Come on in, this will
only take a sec.
-Oh, no, no. Oh, God.
97
00:05:04,917 --> 00:05:06,327
No, I'm really--
I'm not dressed for family.
98
00:05:06,417 --> 00:05:08,167
Can you just maybe drop them
through the mail slot?
99
00:05:08,583 --> 00:05:10,793
If I'm here and I don't
at least say hello, you know...
100
00:05:10,875 --> 00:05:13,325
I'm looking at two months
minimum hard family time.
101
00:05:13,667 --> 00:05:15,747
Alright, alright. Yeah, okay.
102
00:05:16,709 --> 00:05:17,749
Oof.
103
00:05:18,709 --> 00:05:20,169
Thank you.
104
00:05:20,250 --> 00:05:23,710
Mother, I swear,
you're the only person
who can kill a cactus.
105
00:05:24,291 --> 00:05:26,331
-Hey, Vaughn.
-Uh, Zoey, this is Carrie.
106
00:05:26,417 --> 00:05:29,167
Tell your sister to stop
bringing me plants.
107
00:05:29,250 --> 00:05:30,790
They get suicidal around me.
108
00:05:30,875 --> 00:05:32,875
I have to talk them down
from the ledge.
109
00:05:33,125 --> 00:05:35,075
-Vaughn!
-Those books you asked
me to sign.
110
00:05:35,166 --> 00:05:36,706
-Oh, great, dear!
-Yeah.
111
00:05:36,959 --> 00:05:40,329
-Duncan, Vaughn's here!
-Yeah, and he brought a girl!
112
00:05:40,417 --> 00:05:41,537
Well, hi.
113
00:05:41,625 --> 00:05:43,875
-Wallis Weisel.
-Hi.
114
00:05:43,959 --> 00:05:45,249
Say, have we met?
115
00:05:45,333 --> 00:05:48,383
No, no, I don't think so.
Carrie Bradshaw.
116
00:05:48,458 --> 00:05:49,998
Oh, my God!
117
00:05:50,250 --> 00:05:52,130
Duncan, get your ass in here!
118
00:05:52,208 --> 00:05:55,458
I just love, love,
love your column.
119
00:05:55,542 --> 00:05:56,632
Oh, well...
120
00:05:56,834 --> 00:05:58,794
I love, love,
love to hear that.
121
00:05:58,875 --> 00:06:00,705
Oh, Mom, we can't stay.
122
00:06:00,792 --> 00:06:03,462
The hell you can't!
You know what you
should write about?
123
00:06:03,542 --> 00:06:05,292
Re-virginization.
124
00:06:05,583 --> 00:06:08,133
Did you know that there are
women who are actually having
125
00:06:08,208 --> 00:06:12,128
their vaginas restitched to
make them like new again?
126
00:06:12,625 --> 00:06:14,915
-Well, aren't they clever?
-In case you're wondering,
127
00:06:15,000 --> 00:06:16,580
Mom just finished making
a documentary
128
00:06:16,667 --> 00:06:17,917
on genital mutilation.
129
00:06:18,000 --> 00:06:20,040
Which I still haven't
gotten your notes on.
130
00:06:20,125 --> 00:06:21,375
Mom, I told you,
131
00:06:21,458 --> 00:06:23,038
I can't bring myself to look
at that fucking thing.
132
00:06:23,125 --> 00:06:26,535
And I typed all his short
stories for him when he was 12.
133
00:06:26,625 --> 00:06:29,075
Duncan, look.
Do you know who this is?
134
00:06:29,583 --> 00:06:32,133
Carrie Bradshaw. She writes
that column we love.
135
00:06:32,417 --> 00:06:34,327
What are you doing
Thursday night?
136
00:06:34,667 --> 00:06:36,417
Um... laundry.
137
00:06:36,500 --> 00:06:40,130
I teach a seminar at Columbia
on cultural zeitgeist.
138
00:06:40,375 --> 00:06:41,875
I'd love to have you come speak.
139
00:06:41,959 --> 00:06:45,169
Mr. Self-Involved here didn't
tell us he was dating an icon.
140
00:06:45,250 --> 00:06:46,130
Icon?
141
00:06:46,208 --> 00:06:48,328
Oh, you are an icon.
You are.
142
00:06:48,625 --> 00:06:50,245
Hey, who brought a girl?
143
00:06:50,333 --> 00:06:52,333
Oh, this is my other sister.
144
00:06:52,417 --> 00:06:55,537
-Franny, uh, this is Carrie.
-Hey, what's up?
145
00:06:55,625 --> 00:06:56,875
Hey, what's up?
146
00:06:56,959 --> 00:06:58,329
-Hey, Mom.
-Hi, sweetie.
147
00:06:58,750 --> 00:07:00,210
Franny and Zoey?
148
00:07:00,583 --> 00:07:01,633
What can I say?
149
00:07:01,709 --> 00:07:03,749
J. D. Salinger used
to get me high.
150
00:07:03,834 --> 00:07:05,754
And then she'd call me
at 3:00 a.m.,
151
00:07:05,834 --> 00:07:07,884
"I love you, I love you."
152
00:07:08,625 --> 00:07:09,625
Good for you, Vaughn.
153
00:07:09,709 --> 00:07:11,709
Beautiful and she thinks
I'm funny.
154
00:07:11,792 --> 00:07:12,832
You're hilarious.
155
00:07:12,917 --> 00:07:14,287
Put your tongue back
in your head,
156
00:07:14,375 --> 00:07:16,325
and the lox on the table,
please.
157
00:07:16,542 --> 00:07:17,832
Come on, everybody, let's...
158
00:07:17,917 --> 00:07:19,327
-have something to eat. Come on!
Yeah.
159
00:07:19,417 --> 00:07:20,827
Look, we-- We have to go.
160
00:07:20,917 --> 00:07:21,917
-Oh, you don't.
-What?
161
00:07:22,000 --> 00:07:23,830
-Why?
-Oh, come on, please!
162
00:07:23,917 --> 00:07:26,077
Sweetie, we can--
We'll stay.
163
00:07:26,166 --> 00:07:27,666
Great! Oh, good, thank you!
164
00:07:27,750 --> 00:07:30,580
I mean, really, within
the space of five minutes,
165
00:07:30,667 --> 00:07:32,207
I had next week's column,
166
00:07:32,291 --> 00:07:35,331
an invitation to speak
at an Ivy League university,
167
00:07:35,417 --> 00:07:38,667
and access to the entire
Zabar's fish counter.
168
00:07:38,750 --> 00:07:40,460
Leave now? Was he nuts?
169
00:07:40,542 --> 00:07:41,542
Have a napkin.
170
00:07:44,375 --> 00:07:48,125
So, have you ever gone
out with someone who had a kid?
171
00:07:48,208 --> 00:07:50,288
No, but I've never gone out
with someone I met
172
00:07:50,375 --> 00:07:53,035
-on an elevator either, so...
-Well, that's a first for me,
too.
173
00:07:53,208 --> 00:07:56,288
There was a woman I met
on an escalator once,
but it didn't last long.
174
00:07:56,375 --> 00:07:58,625
It was over by the time
we got to ladies' lingerie.
175
00:07:59,083 --> 00:08:02,083
I dated a man once
who wore ladies' lingerie.
176
00:08:02,166 --> 00:08:04,326
That was kind of
the problem there.
177
00:08:04,875 --> 00:08:05,915
I'm kidding.
178
00:08:06,667 --> 00:08:08,167
Cause I'm wearing panties now.
179
00:08:09,375 --> 00:08:11,125
You're kidding, right?
180
00:08:11,208 --> 00:08:12,538
Yah!
-Ow!
181
00:08:12,834 --> 00:08:14,004
Daddy, look what I found!
182
00:08:14,083 --> 00:08:15,963
-Can you say you're sorry?
-No!
183
00:08:16,041 --> 00:08:17,501
-No, no, no!
-Are you okay?
184
00:08:17,583 --> 00:08:18,923
Ah...
185
00:08:19,000 --> 00:08:21,460
Fortunately, I mostly use
the right side of my brain.
186
00:08:26,792 --> 00:08:29,962
It must be hard,
having a social life
as a single parent.
187
00:08:30,166 --> 00:08:33,126
Well, yeah, it is. I got to buy
protective helmets for all my
dates.
188
00:08:33,208 --> 00:08:35,078
Yeah! Where's mine by the way?
189
00:08:35,166 --> 00:08:36,576
Oh, truth is, I...
190
00:08:37,000 --> 00:08:39,580
I never really had a great
social life before Simon either.
191
00:08:39,792 --> 00:08:43,132
I'm just one of those
weird male aberrations who...
192
00:08:43,458 --> 00:08:44,708
prefers to be married.
193
00:08:45,583 --> 00:08:48,003
I mean, I like stability,
I like routine.
194
00:08:48,542 --> 00:08:50,922
I like knowing there's people
waiting for me at home.
195
00:08:52,500 --> 00:08:54,250
I guess that makes me sound
pretty dull.
196
00:08:54,583 --> 00:08:55,673
Are you kidding?
197
00:08:55,875 --> 00:08:57,825
You're the heterosexual
holy grail.
198
00:08:59,875 --> 00:09:01,665
Miranda began to wonder
how a vintage man
199
00:09:01,750 --> 00:09:04,000
might look on her modern couch.
200
00:09:06,583 --> 00:09:08,043
Here, here, here, here.
201
00:09:08,125 --> 00:09:09,375
-Oh!
-Ah!
202
00:09:09,458 --> 00:09:10,458
Thank you!
203
00:09:10,875 --> 00:09:13,375
Probably not the best time
to ask you to dinner, huh?
204
00:09:13,458 --> 00:09:15,998
While Miranda was
dealing with queasiness,
205
00:09:16,083 --> 00:09:18,213
Charlotte was
handling depression.
206
00:09:18,291 --> 00:09:21,251
Which, of course,
she felt could be solved
with a homemade muffin.
207
00:09:21,333 --> 00:09:23,463
There you go! Just like Nana
used to make.
208
00:09:23,917 --> 00:09:25,127
Charlie, the muffins are great.
209
00:09:25,208 --> 00:09:27,458
But I'd much prefer
a nice dry Martini.
210
00:09:27,917 --> 00:09:30,577
But Nana always made
muffins to cheer you up.
211
00:09:30,667 --> 00:09:32,037
Well, that was pre-Leslie.
212
00:09:32,125 --> 00:09:35,035
Post-Leslie, I need a cocktail.
Now, where's your vodka?
213
00:09:35,125 --> 00:09:36,285
I don't have any.
214
00:09:36,625 --> 00:09:38,245
And you call yourself a wasp.
215
00:09:38,709 --> 00:09:40,829
I don't see why you two
can't work it out,
216
00:09:40,917 --> 00:09:42,877
you had the most
beautiful wedding.
217
00:09:42,959 --> 00:09:44,749
And we're going to have
an even lovelier divorce.
218
00:09:44,834 --> 00:09:48,084
I can't believe you're willing
to just throw it all away
so easily.
219
00:09:48,166 --> 00:09:50,036
I mean, relationships take work.
220
00:09:50,125 --> 00:09:52,705
You need patience
and understanding.
221
00:09:53,000 --> 00:09:54,130
Charlotte,
222
00:09:54,208 --> 00:09:56,498
when was your
last long-term relationship?
223
00:09:58,500 --> 00:09:59,880
Oh, just eat your muffin.
224
00:10:09,750 --> 00:10:13,000
The afternoon had been
like six hours of foreplay.
225
00:10:16,083 --> 00:10:17,753
Ow!
226
00:10:17,834 --> 00:10:21,004
Some men seduce with dim
lights and soft music,
227
00:10:22,417 --> 00:10:25,827
Vaughn seduced with chocolate
chip cookies and relatives.
228
00:10:28,917 --> 00:10:30,827
It was inevitable
this would happen.
229
00:10:36,959 --> 00:10:39,499
I just didn't know
it would happen so quickly.
230
00:10:41,542 --> 00:10:42,542
Uh...
231
00:10:43,083 --> 00:10:44,583
Um, I'll get a tissue.
232
00:10:56,208 --> 00:10:58,628
Get out now, before he stains
all your sheets.
233
00:10:58,709 --> 00:11:00,419
Oh, come on, that's harsh.
234
00:11:00,500 --> 00:11:01,960
It could be he was just nervous.
235
00:11:02,041 --> 00:11:03,211
The first time is always weird.
236
00:11:03,291 --> 00:11:04,711
And he'd probably
had something to drink.
237
00:11:04,792 --> 00:11:06,832
And we'd just spent
the whole day with his family.
238
00:11:06,917 --> 00:11:10,037
Look, the guy could not get
his Cadillac into the garage.
239
00:11:10,125 --> 00:11:13,205
Honey, I'm sorry, I hate
being right about this.
240
00:11:13,291 --> 00:11:16,251
Samantha was
the General Patton of sex.
241
00:11:16,333 --> 00:11:18,253
She didn't like sending
her troops into battle
242
00:11:18,333 --> 00:11:19,583
if she thought they would lose.
243
00:11:19,917 --> 00:11:21,537
-I like him.
-Well, that's real swell,
244
00:11:21,625 --> 00:11:23,705
but it still doesn't get
the cream in the cupcake.
245
00:11:23,917 --> 00:11:26,247
But the thing I like best
about him is his family.
246
00:11:26,333 --> 00:11:28,083
Mm, anyone there you can fuck?
247
00:11:29,333 --> 00:11:31,333
What? I'm trying to be helpful.
248
00:11:31,417 --> 00:11:33,707
I'm telling you,
this family is like...
249
00:11:34,709 --> 00:11:35,919
They've got charisma!
250
00:11:36,250 --> 00:11:38,540
Like Tom Cruise, they're
the Tom Cruise of families.
251
00:11:38,625 --> 00:11:41,325
I'm pretty sure the family is
supposed to be the obstacle
252
00:11:41,417 --> 00:11:43,377
to a relationship,
not the attraction.
253
00:11:43,458 --> 00:11:46,128
I fucked a guy once
because his family had a pool.
254
00:11:46,417 --> 00:11:47,997
He was pretty much
of a nerd, but,
255
00:11:48,083 --> 00:11:50,793
I'd go over there and get
all cocoa-buttered up.
256
00:11:50,875 --> 00:11:52,125
His mom loved me.
257
00:11:52,208 --> 00:11:54,208
She was always serving me
Kool-aid and chips.
258
00:11:54,291 --> 00:11:55,711
-Kool-aid?
-Mm, yeah!
259
00:11:55,792 --> 00:11:57,922
Kool-aid! I was 13
and, honey,
260
00:11:58,125 --> 00:12:00,995
you should've seen my tan.
261
00:12:01,083 --> 00:12:04,633
In my mind,
the complications of making
a relationship work
262
00:12:04,709 --> 00:12:06,999
had just expanded exponentially.
263
00:12:07,709 --> 00:12:09,039
When you date someone,
264
00:12:09,125 --> 00:12:12,325
how many people become
emotionally involved?
265
00:12:12,417 --> 00:12:15,827
When you sleep with someone,
are you screwing the family?
266
00:12:17,291 --> 00:12:19,581
While I was still on the fence
about my feelings for Vaughn,
267
00:12:19,667 --> 00:12:22,627
I had no doubt about
my feeling for his mother.
268
00:12:22,709 --> 00:12:24,079
I was in love with her.
269
00:12:24,166 --> 00:12:26,126
Then we were in Nicaragua...
270
00:12:26,333 --> 00:12:28,963
with the Peace Corps.
That's where Vaughn was born.
271
00:12:29,458 --> 00:12:32,788
I can't get over it!
You've had, like, five lives.
272
00:12:33,000 --> 00:12:34,750
I can barely make one happen.
273
00:12:34,834 --> 00:12:38,754
Oh, don't pull
that self-effacing
shit with me, Carrie.
274
00:12:38,834 --> 00:12:42,254
I see you. I know
what you've got going.
275
00:12:42,333 --> 00:12:43,673
What? What do I do?
276
00:12:43,750 --> 00:12:46,460
-I write this little column.
-It's a contribution.
277
00:12:46,667 --> 00:12:49,287
I mean, you are putting it
out there. You...
278
00:12:49,667 --> 00:12:51,327
You're part of a dialogue.
279
00:12:51,417 --> 00:12:54,667
I mean, if it wasn't for you,
we wouldn't know half
the things we do
280
00:12:54,750 --> 00:12:56,670
about other people's
sex lives.
281
00:12:57,166 --> 00:12:58,956
Well, thanks a lot.
282
00:12:59,041 --> 00:13:00,251
I'm teasing.
283
00:13:00,333 --> 00:13:01,503
Oh!
284
00:13:01,750 --> 00:13:05,630
No, no. It's wonderful to be
frank and honest about sex.
285
00:13:05,709 --> 00:13:07,499
That's how I raised my kids.
I mean,
286
00:13:07,875 --> 00:13:10,125
sex was always
a part of the discussion.
287
00:13:10,458 --> 00:13:13,748
When they were two years old,
they knew the proper names
288
00:13:13,834 --> 00:13:15,084
for their body parts.
289
00:13:15,166 --> 00:13:18,206
None of this pee-pee
and wee-wee crap, no, no.
290
00:13:18,542 --> 00:13:20,172
And as result, you know,
291
00:13:20,250 --> 00:13:22,040
they can talk to me
about anything.
292
00:13:22,458 --> 00:13:25,078
When Franny told me
she was a lesbian, I said,
293
00:13:25,166 --> 00:13:27,826
"Great, just as long
as you're not a republican."
294
00:13:28,959 --> 00:13:30,379
May I just say,
295
00:13:31,041 --> 00:13:32,711
I like you very much.
296
00:13:32,792 --> 00:13:34,832
Oh, that's dear, thank you.
297
00:13:37,709 --> 00:13:39,289
So, did you talk
to Leslie today?
298
00:13:39,625 --> 00:13:40,745
No, but I talked to her lawyer.
299
00:13:40,834 --> 00:13:42,254
Do you want to know
all about that?
300
00:13:42,333 --> 00:13:44,833
I'm giving her the house
and she's giving me an ulcer.
301
00:13:45,375 --> 00:13:48,075
Okay, okay, I'm sorry
I brought it up.
302
00:13:48,166 --> 00:13:49,286
Tonight we'll have fun.
303
00:13:49,375 --> 00:13:50,785
You'll finally meet
my friend Carrie,
304
00:13:50,875 --> 00:13:53,075
we'll go out, have dinner,
maybe we'll go to a club--
305
00:13:53,542 --> 00:13:54,712
Shit.
306
00:13:57,583 --> 00:13:58,923
-Hi.
-Hello.
307
00:14:00,083 --> 00:14:02,003
Carrie, Samantha,
308
00:14:02,250 --> 00:14:04,670
this is my wonderful
brother, Wesley.
309
00:14:05,750 --> 00:14:06,790
-Hi.
-Nice to meet you.
310
00:14:06,875 --> 00:14:09,245
Oh, good looks
run in the family.
311
00:14:10,250 --> 00:14:11,500
Can I get you ladies a drink?
312
00:14:11,583 --> 00:14:13,333
-Cosmopolitan.
-Ditto.
313
00:14:13,875 --> 00:14:15,625
So, how are you
enjoying New York?
314
00:14:15,709 --> 00:14:16,709
Excuse us.
315
00:14:19,166 --> 00:14:20,496
Why is she here?
316
00:14:20,583 --> 00:14:21,833
Oh, um...
317
00:14:21,917 --> 00:14:24,707
That's our friend.
I believe you remember Samantha?
318
00:14:25,166 --> 00:14:26,286
But...
319
00:14:26,375 --> 00:14:27,995
I mean, you know how she gets.
Like, look!
320
00:14:28,083 --> 00:14:29,213
She's doing it already.
321
00:14:29,291 --> 00:14:30,921
What? They're talking.
322
00:14:32,625 --> 00:14:33,495
Hey.
323
00:14:33,583 --> 00:14:34,833
-Thank you.
-Samantha says
324
00:14:34,917 --> 00:14:36,497
there's a great jazz bar
that we should go to.
325
00:14:36,959 --> 00:14:38,629
Oh, I, I...
326
00:14:38,792 --> 00:14:40,792
I just don't think
I'm up for it tonight.
327
00:14:40,875 --> 00:14:42,415
Well, then maybe we'll just go.
328
00:14:45,458 --> 00:14:47,748
Talking and going to hear jazz.
329
00:14:49,875 --> 00:14:53,075
I think I have your son's
slinky embedded in my back.
330
00:14:55,083 --> 00:14:57,463
Well, I like to brand my women.
331
00:15:00,750 --> 00:15:03,630
I'm going to use the bathroom,
and then I really will go.
332
00:15:14,250 --> 00:15:15,880
-Daddy?
-No, Simon!
333
00:15:15,959 --> 00:15:18,249
Ow! Daddy!
334
00:15:18,333 --> 00:15:19,963
Simon?
-Shit.
335
00:15:22,500 --> 00:15:25,670
I'm sorry, I was peeing
and I didn't want him to see me.
336
00:15:27,333 --> 00:15:29,253
I was afraid he'd see me
and the next thing you know,
337
00:15:29,333 --> 00:15:31,633
he'd be drawing pictures for
a child psychologist
338
00:15:31,709 --> 00:15:33,289
and then nobody's happy,
right?
339
00:15:33,375 --> 00:15:34,575
I'll get a Band-Aid, huh?
340
00:15:34,667 --> 00:15:36,577
He's hurt.
I think he might need a stitch.
341
00:15:36,667 --> 00:15:38,287
I'll go with you
to the emergency room.
342
00:15:38,375 --> 00:15:39,495
No!
343
00:15:40,250 --> 00:15:41,630
Just go.
344
00:15:42,333 --> 00:15:43,333
Please.
345
00:15:44,041 --> 00:15:45,131
Just...
346
00:15:45,542 --> 00:15:47,132
go.
347
00:15:47,208 --> 00:15:49,038
One thing about
families.
348
00:15:49,125 --> 00:15:51,125
If no one's sorry to see you go,
349
00:15:51,208 --> 00:15:54,208
then you're probably
not coming back.
350
00:15:54,291 --> 00:15:57,291
The next morning,
Charlotte was in
for a rude awakening.
351
00:15:57,375 --> 00:15:59,825
Oh, honey, where do you keep
your coffee filters?
352
00:16:00,375 --> 00:16:01,325
Uh...
353
00:16:01,625 --> 00:16:03,535
Just tell me if I'm warm.
354
00:16:05,250 --> 00:16:06,330
My brother?
355
00:16:06,792 --> 00:16:08,382
You slept with my brother?
356
00:16:08,458 --> 00:16:09,748
Oh, honey,
357
00:16:10,417 --> 00:16:12,497
what a doll.
I mean, he really--
358
00:16:12,583 --> 00:16:14,883
Is your vagina in
the New York City guidebooks?
359
00:16:14,959 --> 00:16:17,289
Because it should be,
it's the hottest spot in town!
360
00:16:17,375 --> 00:16:18,535
It's always open!
361
00:16:26,083 --> 00:16:27,213
What's going on?
362
00:16:32,500 --> 00:16:33,830
What did you say?
363
00:16:33,917 --> 00:16:35,957
She was in my kitchen,
she was wearing your shirt, I...
364
00:16:36,041 --> 00:16:36,961
I snapped.
365
00:16:37,208 --> 00:16:39,378
Who asked you to
butt your nose into my--
366
00:16:39,458 --> 00:16:40,628
Samantha, wait!
367
00:16:40,709 --> 00:16:41,879
Samantha, don't go!
368
00:16:43,625 --> 00:16:44,745
Wesley!
369
00:16:46,000 --> 00:16:48,420
I didn't know your mom
was nominated for an Oscar.
370
00:16:48,792 --> 00:16:50,752
Mm-hm.
Best documentary short.
371
00:16:52,417 --> 00:16:55,917
I just love that she still has
so many ambitions for herself.
372
00:16:57,750 --> 00:17:00,380
I'm not really in the mood
to talk about my mom.
373
00:17:02,291 --> 00:17:04,581
I'm not really in the mood
to talk at all.
374
00:17:16,083 --> 00:17:19,423
Uh!
Don't touch it.
Don't touch it!
375
00:17:40,542 --> 00:17:41,672
So,
376
00:17:41,750 --> 00:17:43,790
what was the documentary
short about, anyway?
377
00:17:47,959 --> 00:17:49,459
Oh, good, you're back.
378
00:17:50,000 --> 00:17:52,790
Charlotte, I swear to God,
if you hand me a muffin,
379
00:17:52,875 --> 00:17:54,625
-I'm out of here.
-Honey,
380
00:17:55,291 --> 00:17:56,671
you don't know Samantha.
381
00:17:56,750 --> 00:17:58,710
I do. She has so many notches
on her bedpost,
382
00:17:58,792 --> 00:18:01,042
it's practically whittled
down to a toothpick.
383
00:18:01,125 --> 00:18:02,375
It was fun.
384
00:18:03,041 --> 00:18:05,331
I know, I know, you had
your little fling and...
385
00:18:05,417 --> 00:18:07,917
Now you can go back to Leslie
and you can work it out, right?
386
00:18:08,000 --> 00:18:09,420
We're not working it out.
387
00:18:09,834 --> 00:18:11,834
You think you know
Wesley and Leslie?
388
00:18:11,917 --> 00:18:14,377
Let me tell you about
Wesley and Leslie.
389
00:18:14,750 --> 00:18:16,040
Leslie's frigid.
390
00:18:16,125 --> 00:18:18,075
And before last night,
Wesley hadn't gotten laid
391
00:18:18,166 --> 00:18:19,246
in two years.
392
00:18:19,333 --> 00:18:20,383
Oh, my God.
393
00:18:20,458 --> 00:18:21,958
I think I was going out
of my mind.
394
00:18:22,041 --> 00:18:23,831
I've seen a pastor,
I've seen a shrink.
395
00:18:23,917 --> 00:18:27,287
But until I saw Samantha,
I didn't realize what
I really needed.
396
00:18:27,667 --> 00:18:29,037
Sex.
397
00:18:29,125 --> 00:18:30,245
So, it was a good thing.
398
00:18:30,333 --> 00:18:32,173
It was a freaking great thing.
399
00:18:33,000 --> 00:18:34,130
That Samantha...
400
00:18:34,959 --> 00:18:36,999
You've really got
a good friend there.
401
00:18:46,166 --> 00:18:47,206
It's Charlotte.
402
00:18:52,375 --> 00:18:55,035
That was a terrible thing
I said.
403
00:18:55,375 --> 00:18:56,375
Yes, it was.
404
00:18:56,792 --> 00:18:59,382
Now, if you'll excuse me,
I have another tour group
405
00:18:59,458 --> 00:19:01,378
coming through my vagina
in ten minutes.
406
00:19:01,458 --> 00:19:02,878
And I'm so sorry.
407
00:19:03,375 --> 00:19:04,955
You said what you came to say?
408
00:19:05,041 --> 00:19:06,041
Wait!
409
00:19:09,083 --> 00:19:10,543
I wanted to give you this.
410
00:19:15,542 --> 00:19:17,382
Samantha was touched.
411
00:19:17,875 --> 00:19:19,415
-Come here.
-Oh...
412
00:19:19,500 --> 00:19:21,920
She realized this was
Charlotte's way of saying,
413
00:19:22,000 --> 00:19:24,170
"Thank you for fucking
my brother."
414
00:19:24,250 --> 00:19:25,710
-Get in there.
-Ah!
415
00:19:29,083 --> 00:19:31,923
Hey, kids, Funtastics on three.
416
00:19:34,000 --> 00:19:37,250
And Miranda decided
she had ceded enough territory
417
00:19:37,333 --> 00:19:38,633
to the invading troops.
418
00:19:40,458 --> 00:19:43,038
Oh, do you mind?
He really loves
to push the button.
419
00:19:43,500 --> 00:19:44,460
Yeah?
420
00:19:45,375 --> 00:19:46,375
So do I.
421
00:19:53,000 --> 00:19:55,960
That is so sexy,
422
00:19:57,041 --> 00:19:58,251
you in bed,
423
00:19:58,583 --> 00:19:59,583
with my book.
424
00:20:01,041 --> 00:20:03,081
It's really great.
425
00:20:06,959 --> 00:20:07,999
Aw!
426
00:20:08,083 --> 00:20:09,213
Do that again.
427
00:20:09,583 --> 00:20:11,963
What? Turn the page?
428
00:20:14,041 --> 00:20:15,921
Oh, baby.
429
00:20:20,709 --> 00:20:21,749
Again.
430
00:20:27,125 --> 00:20:29,575
Okay, wait, wait, wait.
Stop, stop.
431
00:20:31,083 --> 00:20:33,923
Let's just take this
nice and slow.
432
00:20:34,959 --> 00:20:38,129
And you tell me
if you're feeling too excited
433
00:20:38,542 --> 00:20:40,462
and we'll take a little break.
434
00:20:41,208 --> 00:20:42,288
Why?
435
00:20:42,792 --> 00:20:46,172
Because I think we both
really want this to work.
436
00:20:47,291 --> 00:20:48,331
I mean...
437
00:20:49,709 --> 00:20:52,709
I love that you get
so turned on by me,
438
00:20:53,166 --> 00:20:56,326
and I am very
turned on by you and...
439
00:20:56,583 --> 00:21:00,043
maybe we've just been
in too much of a rush.
440
00:21:00,375 --> 00:21:01,375
Okay.
441
00:21:02,000 --> 00:21:03,170
Forget it.
442
00:21:03,250 --> 00:21:06,330
No, I don't want to forget it.
Hey, come here.
443
00:21:06,917 --> 00:21:09,077
-Let's talk about it.
-No!
444
00:21:09,417 --> 00:21:10,747
I don't want to talk about it.
445
00:21:10,834 --> 00:21:12,884
Well, I think we have to.
446
00:21:12,959 --> 00:21:14,379
Why does everything
have to be about sex!
447
00:21:14,458 --> 00:21:16,748
I am so sick
of talking about sex.
448
00:21:16,834 --> 00:21:18,834
I've been talking about it
since I was two!
449
00:21:20,417 --> 00:21:21,667
So, let's go.
450
00:21:22,834 --> 00:21:24,294
My parents are expecting us.
451
00:21:27,667 --> 00:21:30,327
Duncan and I went down
to the Neil Simon Theatre
452
00:21:30,625 --> 00:21:33,205
-and spent 65 dollars--
-Seventy-five.
453
00:21:33,417 --> 00:21:36,707
To see a British movie star
simulate a blow job.
454
00:21:36,792 --> 00:21:39,082
I wonder if that's what
Neil had in mind.
455
00:21:40,083 --> 00:21:41,583
Did she show her tits?
456
00:21:41,875 --> 00:21:42,875
No.
457
00:21:43,083 --> 00:21:44,503
How's the pickled herring?
458
00:21:44,709 --> 00:21:46,129
It's very good.
459
00:21:46,208 --> 00:21:49,208
Franny tells me that you two
are going camping this weekend.
460
00:21:49,709 --> 00:21:51,459
Where's the
scallion cream cheese?
461
00:21:51,542 --> 00:21:53,542
Oh, it's out there on the table.
462
00:21:55,083 --> 00:21:56,083
I don't see it.
463
00:21:56,792 --> 00:21:58,582
Well, then check
the refrigerator.
464
00:22:00,792 --> 00:22:02,382
Why is he so edgy?
465
00:22:03,250 --> 00:22:04,380
I have no idea.
466
00:22:04,458 --> 00:22:06,668
Don't let him pull
that moody shit on you.
467
00:22:06,750 --> 00:22:08,170
I know, it's such a pose.
468
00:22:08,250 --> 00:22:09,880
The minute he got published,
he's suddenly this quote,
469
00:22:09,959 --> 00:22:11,249
"tortured artist."
470
00:22:12,250 --> 00:22:13,830
Where's the cream cheese?
471
00:22:13,917 --> 00:22:15,457
It's out there.
472
00:22:27,500 --> 00:22:28,880
What's the point
of buying all this shit
473
00:22:28,959 --> 00:22:30,289
if you can't remember
the one fucking thing
474
00:22:30,375 --> 00:22:31,745
that holds it all together?
475
00:22:31,959 --> 00:22:32,879
Vaughn,
476
00:22:33,291 --> 00:22:35,421
let's deal with what's really
upsetting you.
477
00:22:35,792 --> 00:22:37,082
Hm, shall we?
478
00:22:37,250 --> 00:22:38,380
Okay.
479
00:22:38,583 --> 00:22:40,003
If you have to have
everything out on the table,
480
00:22:40,083 --> 00:22:42,753
why don't we start with some
scallion cream cheese?
481
00:22:45,500 --> 00:22:46,960
Jenna and I
looked at each other
482
00:22:47,041 --> 00:22:49,251
like two foreigners
without visas.
483
00:22:51,125 --> 00:22:52,285
Well, I'm...
484
00:22:53,166 --> 00:22:55,206
You know what,
I think I'd better go.
485
00:22:55,291 --> 00:22:56,421
I, um...
486
00:22:56,834 --> 00:22:58,294
I've got a deadline.
487
00:23:01,041 --> 00:23:03,461
So, yeah. I'll go.
488
00:23:03,625 --> 00:23:04,535
Uh...
489
00:23:04,959 --> 00:23:06,999
Thank you for lunch,
for everything.
490
00:23:12,959 --> 00:23:13,999
Uh, Carrie!
491
00:23:18,834 --> 00:23:21,584
What happened?
Everything was going so well.
492
00:23:21,917 --> 00:23:23,417
It really wasn't.
493
00:23:23,500 --> 00:23:24,920
Okay, I know what it is.
494
00:23:25,000 --> 00:23:27,000
His last girlfriend
wasn't as discreet.
495
00:23:27,291 --> 00:23:29,211
I don't even want
to get in the irony.
496
00:23:29,291 --> 00:23:30,751
He writes short stories.
497
00:23:31,166 --> 00:23:32,126
Okay, this has...
498
00:23:32,458 --> 00:23:34,458
This has officially
become too weird.
499
00:23:34,542 --> 00:23:37,632
Really? In a situation like
this, you gotta laugh.
500
00:23:37,834 --> 00:23:39,504
Alright, it's a problem.
501
00:23:40,250 --> 00:23:41,250
But,
502
00:23:41,333 --> 00:23:42,713
you'll work it out.
503
00:23:43,583 --> 00:23:44,883
He...
504
00:23:44,959 --> 00:23:47,039
He won't even talk about it.
505
00:23:47,250 --> 00:23:50,500
-You want me to talk to him?
-No, no, no.
506
00:23:51,333 --> 00:23:53,583
I can't discuss this with you.
507
00:23:53,667 --> 00:23:54,747
You can't?
508
00:23:54,834 --> 00:23:57,134
Carrie, you and I
can discuss anything.
509
00:23:57,750 --> 00:24:00,630
So your sex life isn't so great.
So what?
510
00:24:01,291 --> 00:24:04,881
Seventy-seven percent
of all marriages are sexless.
511
00:24:05,166 --> 00:24:07,166
Other things are
so much more important.
512
00:24:07,542 --> 00:24:09,382
Like family.
513
00:24:10,959 --> 00:24:13,329
Then I saw that
the person I really had
to break up with
514
00:24:13,417 --> 00:24:14,747
wasn't Vaughn.
515
00:24:14,834 --> 00:24:16,004
It was his mother.
516
00:24:16,208 --> 00:24:20,208
Wallis, I would still
like us to be friends.
517
00:24:21,208 --> 00:24:23,128
No, I mean that.
518
00:24:23,834 --> 00:24:26,504
And what happens when
you meet somebody else?
519
00:24:26,750 --> 00:24:29,130
I can tell you right now,
they won't have
a mother like me.
520
00:24:29,208 --> 00:24:30,578
And you know that.
521
00:24:31,875 --> 00:24:34,705
You know that we have something.
522
00:24:35,291 --> 00:24:37,211
What we have is very special.
523
00:24:41,208 --> 00:24:42,248
Alright, well...
524
00:24:43,417 --> 00:24:44,667
Alright.
525
00:24:46,542 --> 00:24:48,212
Call me sometime.
526
00:24:49,208 --> 00:24:51,208
-I will.
-Sweetie.
527
00:24:56,166 --> 00:24:57,576
Wallis was right.
528
00:24:57,667 --> 00:25:00,917
The most important thing
in life is your family.
529
00:25:01,000 --> 00:25:04,170
There are days you love them
and others you don't,
530
00:25:04,250 --> 00:25:08,170
but in the end,
they're the people
you always come home to.
531
00:25:08,250 --> 00:25:10,460
Sometimes it's the family
you're born into.
532
00:25:10,542 --> 00:25:14,542
And sometimes, it's the one
you make for yourself.
533
00:25:18,125 --> 00:25:19,125
-Carrie!
-Hey!
534
00:25:19,208 --> 00:25:20,878
-What are you doing here?
535
00:25:21,083 --> 00:25:22,253
-Hey!
-Come here!