1
00:00:47,013 --> 00:00:48,023
New York City.
2
00:00:48,017 --> 00:00:50,007
No matter how well
you think you know it,
3
00:00:50,016 --> 00:00:54,016
there's always somewhere
or someone new to discover.
4
00:00:54,020 --> 00:00:57,020
I was on my second date with
Ray King, who lived in Queens,
5
00:00:57,022 --> 00:01:00,012
although it felt like our
second, third and fourth date
6
00:01:00,009 --> 00:01:02,999
because we'd been to
three jazz clubs in one night.
7
00:01:03,005 --> 00:01:05,005
I can't sing for shit,
but damn, can I chop.
8
00:01:05,013 --> 00:01:07,023
And where does one
learn this skill?
9
00:01:07,021 --> 00:01:09,001
Jersey Shore.
10
00:01:09,006 --> 00:01:10,006
-Oh, is that where you're from--
-Listen.
11
00:01:11,012 --> 00:01:12,012
This lick right here...
12
00:01:12,013 --> 00:01:13,023
is why I wanted
to play the bass.
13
00:01:16,012 --> 00:01:17,022
Man...
14
00:01:17,020 --> 00:01:19,020
How about that?
15
00:01:19,019 --> 00:01:21,009
Jesus, that's sweet.
16
00:01:22,001 --> 00:01:23,021
Listen to that again.
17
00:01:32,022 --> 00:01:35,012
Yeah, yeah?
18
00:01:40,014 --> 00:01:42,024
How about that?
19
00:01:46,003 --> 00:01:48,013
This might be
a good time to tell you...
20
00:01:49,010 --> 00:01:51,000
I don't like jazz.
21
00:01:55,001 --> 00:01:57,011
Why would you say
something like that?
22
00:01:57,008 --> 00:01:59,018
I dunno, you can't follow it
23
00:01:59,020 --> 00:02:01,020
and there's no melody.
24
00:02:02,001 --> 00:02:04,011
And it's just like...
It's all over the place.
25
00:02:04,013 --> 00:02:07,023
Carrie, you gotta stop trying
to make it be something else
26
00:02:07,020 --> 00:02:10,020
and appreciate it
for what it is.
27
00:02:10,017 --> 00:02:13,017
Damn, I wish I had my bass.
28
00:02:14,013 --> 00:02:16,023
Come here, you be the bass.
29
00:02:16,017 --> 00:02:19,007
Don't I have to be in
the musician's union
or something?
30
00:02:19,014 --> 00:02:20,024
Ah, ah, ah.
31
00:02:20,019 --> 00:02:22,009
Do you play all
those instruments?
32
00:02:22,007 --> 00:02:23,017
Play's a little strong. I, uh,
33
00:02:23,018 --> 00:02:25,998
learn a few notes,
I get bored, I move on.
34
00:02:26,022 --> 00:02:29,022
Listen to the bass.
35
00:02:29,022 --> 00:02:31,022
The beauty of jazz...
36
00:02:32,001 --> 00:02:34,021
is that it can go anywhere.
37
00:02:34,019 --> 00:02:37,009
It can go from here...
38
00:02:38,007 --> 00:02:40,007
to here.
39
00:02:41,012 --> 00:02:43,022
-To here.
40
00:02:45,016 --> 00:02:49,006
It was right about that time
that I started to appreciate
41
00:02:49,010 --> 00:02:52,010
a little type of music
we call jazz.
42
00:02:55,006 --> 00:02:57,016
So, what did you do
last night, Carrie?
43
00:02:57,021 --> 00:03:00,011
I listened to jazz.
44
00:03:02,012 --> 00:03:04,022
What is so funny about jazz?
45
00:03:05,016 --> 00:03:07,016
Okay, here it is.
46
00:03:08,023 --> 00:03:11,013
Last night with Ray...
47
00:03:12,007 --> 00:03:13,017
I had...
48
00:03:16,001 --> 00:03:19,021
...the most intense orgasm
of my entire life.
49
00:03:19,022 --> 00:03:22,012
-Ah...
-I did my laundry.
50
00:03:22,007 --> 00:03:23,007
Continue.
51
00:03:23,010 --> 00:03:25,020
It doesn't make any sense,
I barely know him.
52
00:03:25,017 --> 00:03:27,007
We've only been on two dates.
53
00:03:27,007 --> 00:03:28,017
And yet, you had sex with him.
54
00:03:29,000 --> 00:03:32,010
Can everyone please let
Carrie talk about the sex?
55
00:03:32,015 --> 00:03:35,015
The mind-blowing sex. Now...
56
00:03:35,017 --> 00:03:38,997
I realize that
this next statement
57
00:03:39,002 --> 00:03:43,002
makes me a bit of
a freak, but, um...
58
00:03:43,005 --> 00:03:46,005
I usually have to be
in love with someone
59
00:03:46,011 --> 00:03:48,011
to have that kind of orgasm.
60
00:03:48,010 --> 00:03:50,000
You might want to
see someone about that.
61
00:03:50,005 --> 00:03:52,005
What the hell is going on?
62
00:03:52,013 --> 00:03:54,013
Maybe Ray is "the one."
63
00:03:54,008 --> 00:03:55,998
Your clitoris seems to think so.
64
00:03:56,003 --> 00:03:57,023
It was probably just a fluke.
65
00:03:57,020 --> 00:03:59,020
I'm going back
tomorrow to find out.
66
00:03:59,020 --> 00:04:02,010
I, on the other hand,
am on strike.
67
00:04:02,014 --> 00:04:04,004
What does that mean?
68
00:04:04,004 --> 00:04:06,014
It means I'm not
having any more sex.
69
00:04:06,013 --> 00:04:08,023
That's not a strike, honey,
that's a slump.
70
00:04:08,017 --> 00:04:10,017
No, it might have
started as a slump,
71
00:04:10,022 --> 00:04:12,012
but I'm in control of it now.
72
00:04:12,014 --> 00:04:15,004
I've made the conscious
decision not to have sex
73
00:04:15,002 --> 00:04:16,002
until conditions improve.
74
00:04:16,004 --> 00:04:18,014
And how many people will be
affected by this strike?
75
00:04:18,014 --> 00:04:21,014
Um, so far, just the one,
but I'm optimistic.
76
00:04:23,005 --> 00:04:27,015
The thing is, I can't go
on any more bad dates.
77
00:04:27,022 --> 00:04:30,022
I would rather be home alone
than out with some guy
78
00:04:30,022 --> 00:04:33,012
who sells socks on the internet.
79
00:04:33,008 --> 00:04:35,018
Well, I'm dating someone.
80
00:04:36,001 --> 00:04:38,011
Someone I actually like.
81
00:04:38,009 --> 00:04:40,009
-Good.
-Wow!
82
00:04:40,011 --> 00:04:41,021
Maria.
83
00:04:45,001 --> 00:04:47,021
Maria, Maria, my Maria
from the gallery?
84
00:04:47,021 --> 00:04:50,021
Well, she's my Maria now,
we're having a...
85
00:04:50,023 --> 00:04:53,013
relationship.
86
00:04:53,007 --> 00:04:56,017
Yes, ladies, I'm a lesbian.
87
00:04:57,023 --> 00:05:01,023
Wait a second.
You're in a relationship?
88
00:05:01,022 --> 00:05:03,012
Yes... Oh...
89
00:05:04,004 --> 00:05:05,014
And she just walked in,
90
00:05:05,009 --> 00:05:06,019
so, please get those
looks off your faces.
91
00:05:06,019 --> 00:05:08,009
Maria!
92
00:05:14,014 --> 00:05:16,014
-Hello.
-You know Charlotte.
93
00:05:16,011 --> 00:05:17,011
Oh, yeah, sure.
94
00:05:17,015 --> 00:05:18,995
And this is
Carrie and Miranda.
95
00:05:19,006 --> 00:05:20,016
-Hi!
-So nice to meet you.
96
00:05:20,018 --> 00:05:21,998
Really good to see you.
97
00:05:22,002 --> 00:05:25,022
-I see you told them.
-Mm-hmm.
98
00:05:25,022 --> 00:05:27,012
-How does that work?
-Ah, ah.
99
00:05:27,011 --> 00:05:29,011
You go to bed one night,
you wake up the next morning,
100
00:05:29,014 --> 00:05:30,024
and poof,
you're a lesbian?
101
00:05:30,018 --> 00:05:32,998
Oh, I forgot to tell you,
I'm a fire hydrant.
102
00:05:33,005 --> 00:05:35,005
Yeah, I'm a shoe.
103
00:05:35,016 --> 00:05:38,006
I always wanted to be one,
and, poof, now I am.
104
00:05:38,012 --> 00:05:41,012
I don't think she's a lesbian,
I think she just ran out of men.
105
00:05:41,013 --> 00:05:44,013
Then you go on strike,
you don't eat pussy.
106
00:05:44,013 --> 00:05:47,003
-Ew!
-Did you just say...
107
00:05:47,002 --> 00:05:48,022
...eat pussy?
108
00:05:48,019 --> 00:05:50,999
I did, but just for emphasis.
109
00:05:53,006 --> 00:05:55,996
You know,
the truly amazing thing is
110
00:05:56,002 --> 00:05:57,022
I had the news tonight.
111
00:05:57,020 --> 00:06:00,010
I had the most intense...
112
00:06:00,011 --> 00:06:02,011
"Mind-blowing,"
I believe was the word.
113
00:06:02,010 --> 00:06:03,020
...orgasm of my life,
114
00:06:03,021 --> 00:06:07,011
and Samantha still
managed to up-sex me.
115
00:06:13,010 --> 00:06:16,000
They met at my gallery,
I introduced them.
116
00:06:16,003 --> 00:06:17,023
Poof, you're a pimp.
117
00:06:19,006 --> 00:06:21,016
Later that night,
inspired by
Samantha's willingness
118
00:06:21,021 --> 00:06:23,011
to explore new territory,
119
00:06:23,008 --> 00:06:26,018
Charlotte felt it was time to
conquer some old territory.
120
00:06:26,021 --> 00:06:28,001
The bed...
121
00:06:28,004 --> 00:06:31,024
where she and Trey had
so much trouble
as man and wife.
122
00:06:32,000 --> 00:06:33,010
Here we are.
123
00:06:34,003 --> 00:06:35,013
Yep.
124
00:06:36,017 --> 00:06:38,017
Should we have a glass
of wine first?
125
00:06:38,018 --> 00:06:41,998
-I'm fine, unless you--
-No, no, I'm okay.
126
00:06:47,011 --> 00:06:49,021
-If you don't feel ready--
127
00:07:00,019 --> 00:07:02,019
Just because she was on strike,
128
00:07:02,021 --> 00:07:05,011
didn't mean she had
to do without.
129
00:07:07,008 --> 00:07:10,008
That's how Miranda discovered
the perfect relationship...
130
00:07:10,014 --> 00:07:12,004
Welcome to the show!
I'm Jon Stewart and...
131
00:07:12,002 --> 00:07:14,022
Jon Stewart
and chocolate eclairs.
132
00:07:15,001 --> 00:07:17,021
...and she is,
from what I understand,
133
00:07:17,023 --> 00:07:20,013
in love with me.
134
00:07:20,009 --> 00:07:22,999
That night, Charlotte and Trey
enjoyed a sweet ending
135
00:07:23,006 --> 00:07:25,006
to their evening as well.
136
00:07:26,019 --> 00:07:27,999
Not bad, huh?
137
00:07:28,005 --> 00:07:29,995
-Not bad.
138
00:07:30,004 --> 00:07:32,024
It was almost "mind-blowing."
139
00:07:33,001 --> 00:07:34,021
Charlotte was relieved.
140
00:07:34,021 --> 00:07:37,011
Now that they had fixed
their problem in the bedroom,
141
00:07:37,015 --> 00:07:41,015
she was ready to move back into
the other rooms as well.
142
00:07:41,019 --> 00:07:44,009
-So...
143
00:07:44,016 --> 00:07:47,006
What are you thinking?
144
00:07:47,007 --> 00:07:51,017
I'm thinking I've never seen
my John Thomas so hard.
145
00:07:52,001 --> 00:07:54,001
I swear, Charlotte,
at times I felt like
146
00:07:54,003 --> 00:07:56,013
it was gonna rocket right off.
147
00:07:57,022 --> 00:08:00,012
What were you thinking?
148
00:08:01,008 --> 00:08:03,018
I don't know, um...
149
00:08:05,021 --> 00:08:07,011
Should I...
150
00:08:11,016 --> 00:08:12,996
Do you...
151
00:08:16,004 --> 00:08:17,014
Are we ready to--
152
00:08:17,013 --> 00:08:19,003
Go again?
153
00:08:22,019 --> 00:08:25,019
Houston, we don't
have a problem.
154
00:08:26,016 --> 00:08:28,996
Three, two, one,
155
00:08:29,004 --> 00:08:30,014
blast off!
156
00:08:34,008 --> 00:08:35,008
Who is it?
157
00:08:35,012 --> 00:08:37,002
It's Ray.
158
00:08:37,004 --> 00:08:39,004
Oh, hi, come on up.
159
00:08:40,008 --> 00:08:41,018
Oh, shit.
160
00:08:45,012 --> 00:08:48,012
-Hello?
-So, did you and the girls
161
00:08:48,014 --> 00:08:50,024
run down the street
talking about me?
162
00:08:50,023 --> 00:08:53,003
-Maybe.
-How many blocks?
163
00:08:53,002 --> 00:08:56,022
Oh, two, okay, nine.
164
00:08:57,001 --> 00:08:58,021
Honestly, I'm a little hurt.
165
00:08:59,000 --> 00:09:00,020
I mean, after all the hours
I've spent listening
166
00:09:00,022 --> 00:09:03,002
to you people talk
about your relationships.
167
00:09:04,012 --> 00:09:05,022
You do that?
168
00:09:05,020 --> 00:09:07,010
I make the courtesy call.
169
00:09:07,013 --> 00:09:10,003
"Do you think you love him?
Blah, blah, blah."
170
00:09:10,003 --> 00:09:12,023
Well, you just caught us
a little off guard
171
00:09:12,017 --> 00:09:13,017
with the lesbian thing.
172
00:09:14,000 --> 00:09:16,010
That's just a label
like Gucci or Versace.
173
00:09:16,014 --> 00:09:17,024
Or Birkenstock.
174
00:09:17,020 --> 00:09:20,010
This is not about being
gay or straight.
175
00:09:20,013 --> 00:09:22,023
Maria is an incredible woman.
176
00:09:22,021 --> 00:09:25,001
She's got passion and talent,
177
00:09:25,005 --> 00:09:27,995
-intelligence and--
-A vagina.
178
00:09:28,004 --> 00:09:29,024
Oh, vagina schmagina.
179
00:09:30,000 --> 00:09:31,010
Schmagina?
180
00:09:31,008 --> 00:09:33,018
Is that what the lesbians
are calling it?
181
00:09:33,022 --> 00:09:36,012
For your information,
we haven't even had sex yet.
182
00:09:36,013 --> 00:09:39,013
Wow, you really are
in a relationship.
183
00:09:39,012 --> 00:09:43,012
Yes, I am, Carrie,
life is not all about sex.
184
00:09:43,011 --> 00:09:46,001
Yeah, try telling that
to her schmagina.
185
00:09:46,005 --> 00:09:48,005
I want a bourbon and I want
to go down on you.
186
00:09:50,002 --> 00:09:52,012
Not necessarily in that order.
187
00:09:52,009 --> 00:09:53,019
The truth is...
188
00:09:54,000 --> 00:09:56,020
I really want it to be
special the first time.
189
00:09:57,000 --> 00:10:00,010
Well, I'm sure that
it will be special.
190
00:10:00,007 --> 00:10:05,007
I'm... I'm sure it will
be special because--
191
00:10:05,010 --> 00:10:07,010
Is Ray there?
192
00:10:07,013 --> 00:10:10,003
No, no, no, Samantha,
I'm listening... I...
193
00:10:10,004 --> 00:10:13,014
Uh... I'm listening.
194
00:10:13,007 --> 00:10:15,017
The next day, I thought about
what Samantha said.
195
00:10:15,017 --> 00:10:16,997
She wasn't having sex
196
00:10:17,005 --> 00:10:19,005
because she wanted to
have a relationship,
197
00:10:19,007 --> 00:10:20,997
and I was having
mind-blowing sex,
198
00:10:21,004 --> 00:10:23,014
hoping to turn it
into a relationship.
199
00:10:23,015 --> 00:10:24,995
So, there you have it.
200
00:10:25,002 --> 00:10:27,012
We've got a relationship
without sex
201
00:10:27,007 --> 00:10:28,017
and sex without a relationship.
202
00:10:28,022 --> 00:10:31,022
Which had a better
shot at survival?
203
00:10:31,019 --> 00:10:33,009
I couldn't help but wonder...
204
00:10:33,009 --> 00:10:36,019
What comes first,
the chicken or the sex?
205
00:10:36,023 --> 00:10:39,023
That night, I decided
to really talk to Ray.
206
00:10:40,000 --> 00:10:43,020
I figured we needed to catch
the relationship up to the sex.
207
00:10:44,001 --> 00:10:46,011
Well, that was the plan.
208
00:10:46,008 --> 00:10:49,018
Wait, wait a minute,
wait, wait, wait.
209
00:10:49,018 --> 00:10:53,018
I asked you a question,
where did you go to school?
210
00:10:53,022 --> 00:10:55,012
All over.
211
00:10:55,009 --> 00:10:58,019
-Oh, freckles on the legs,
212
00:10:58,021 --> 00:11:00,021
nothing wrong with that.
213
00:11:00,022 --> 00:11:03,022
It was my best
relationship ever.
214
00:11:05,022 --> 00:11:08,002
Meanwhile, over at
Casa de Lesbo...
215
00:11:08,006 --> 00:11:10,016
That coq au vin was amazing.
216
00:11:10,021 --> 00:11:15,011
You can paint,
you can cook,
you can do everything.
217
00:11:19,003 --> 00:11:25,023
But you brought the most
incredible dessert.
218
00:11:26,001 --> 00:11:28,001
Take a bite.
219
00:11:32,014 --> 00:11:35,014
Samantha decided
if she was going to be gay,
220
00:11:35,015 --> 00:11:37,015
she'd be gay all the way.
221
00:11:43,019 --> 00:11:46,019
I might not be much
in the kitchen,
222
00:11:46,021 --> 00:11:50,021
but I'm more than
enough in the bedroom.
223
00:12:01,009 --> 00:12:02,999
Oh, baby.
224
00:12:03,004 --> 00:12:04,024
Samantha.
225
00:12:06,001 --> 00:12:08,021
It's not really working for me.
226
00:12:09,021 --> 00:12:11,011
It was a phrase
227
00:12:11,008 --> 00:12:13,008
Samantha had never
heard in bed before.
228
00:12:13,016 --> 00:12:17,006
Well, honey, I've never gotten
any complaints from the men.
229
00:12:19,004 --> 00:12:21,014
Well, men...
230
00:12:23,012 --> 00:12:27,012
I want you to look at me...
231
00:12:29,002 --> 00:12:31,022
Connect with me.
232
00:12:33,003 --> 00:12:35,023
This is lovemaking.
233
00:12:35,022 --> 00:12:38,022
It's not a porno flick.
234
00:12:38,023 --> 00:12:42,003
I want to show you.
I'm gonna lay down
235
00:12:42,005 --> 00:12:44,015
and I want you
to look at my boceta.
236
00:12:46,013 --> 00:12:49,023
That's a Portuguese
word for pussy.
237
00:12:58,001 --> 00:12:59,011
Meanwhile, Miranda,
238
00:12:59,009 --> 00:13:00,019
still off sex and on chocolate,
239
00:13:01,001 --> 00:13:03,011
couldn't bring herself
to order the seven eclairs
240
00:13:03,009 --> 00:13:04,019
she really wanted.
241
00:13:04,020 --> 00:13:06,020
So, she asked for just one.
242
00:13:06,022 --> 00:13:10,002
One cake... Please.
243
00:13:10,002 --> 00:13:11,012
Which do you recommend?
244
00:13:11,013 --> 00:13:12,023
I'd go with the Louvre.
245
00:13:12,020 --> 00:13:15,020
Monsieur Payard's
signature chocolate cake.
246
00:13:15,020 --> 00:13:17,000
Wow.
247
00:13:17,003 --> 00:13:18,023
-Sold.
-Okay,
248
00:13:18,023 --> 00:13:20,013
that'll be $74.50.
249
00:13:20,015 --> 00:13:23,005
As in 74 dollars and 50 cents?
250
00:13:23,015 --> 00:13:24,015
Yes.
251
00:13:24,018 --> 00:13:26,018
Miranda decided she didn't
need a cake
252
00:13:26,018 --> 00:13:27,998
that badly...
253
00:13:30,015 --> 00:13:34,015
Especially when
she could make one
for under five dollars.
254
00:13:34,021 --> 00:13:39,001
Every once in a while,
a girl has to indulge herself.
255
00:13:45,017 --> 00:13:49,017
Oh! Oh!
256
00:13:56,023 --> 00:13:58,013
Oh!
257
00:13:59,008 --> 00:14:01,018
Oh! Oh! Oh!
258
00:14:02,001 --> 00:14:04,001
Trey, I'm on the mallard!
259
00:14:04,002 --> 00:14:05,022
Sorry.
260
00:14:55,019 --> 00:14:57,019
He still hasn't asked me
to move back in.
261
00:14:58,001 --> 00:15:00,021
We make love
all over the apartment,
and then in the morning
262
00:15:00,018 --> 00:15:02,008
I get up and get
in a cab and go home
263
00:15:02,009 --> 00:15:03,019
just like
a Park Avenue hooker!
264
00:15:03,019 --> 00:15:04,019
Can't you bring it up?
265
00:15:05,000 --> 00:15:07,000
No! We finally got
the penis working,
266
00:15:07,006 --> 00:15:08,006
I don't want to scare it.
267
00:15:09,019 --> 00:15:10,999
Why can't I have
the relationship and the sex?
268
00:15:11,005 --> 00:15:13,005
-Why is it one or the other?
-You got me.
269
00:15:13,011 --> 00:15:16,011
I wanna order.
Where's the lesbian du jour?
270
00:15:16,009 --> 00:15:18,019
Oh, listen, you guys,
when she gets here,
271
00:15:19,000 --> 00:15:21,000
we have to talk about
her relationship.
272
00:15:21,006 --> 00:15:23,016
She was kind of mad we didn't
take it seriously last time.
273
00:15:23,022 --> 00:15:26,012
Oh, please.
She isn't having a relationship.
274
00:15:26,008 --> 00:15:27,018
She's just doing this to bug us.
275
00:15:27,019 --> 00:15:28,019
I don't know.
276
00:15:29,000 --> 00:15:30,010
They haven't even had sex yet.
277
00:15:30,013 --> 00:15:33,013
She said she wants it
to be special.
278
00:15:33,010 --> 00:15:36,000
-Really?
-Yeah.
279
00:15:36,002 --> 00:15:38,002
Well, then we should
be supportive.
280
00:15:38,006 --> 00:15:40,016
This is the healthiest thing
Samantha's done in a long time.
281
00:15:40,017 --> 00:15:42,017
Does anybody want to split
the chocolate pudding?
282
00:15:44,006 --> 00:15:45,006
Morning, ladies.
283
00:15:45,015 --> 00:15:48,015
-Morning!
Hi!
284
00:15:50,012 --> 00:15:51,022
Tell us about your relationship.
285
00:15:52,000 --> 00:15:53,020
How is everything
going with Maria?
286
00:15:53,021 --> 00:15:55,001
Well,
287
00:15:55,002 --> 00:15:56,012
did you know
288
00:15:56,014 --> 00:15:58,014
that when a vagina gets
engorged,
289
00:15:58,012 --> 00:16:00,022
it expands to
the size of a fist?
290
00:16:00,019 --> 00:16:02,019
It's like a fabulous cave.
291
00:16:02,020 --> 00:16:04,010
I guess
they've had sex.
292
00:16:04,007 --> 00:16:05,997
-Apparently so.
-And we have
293
00:16:06,003 --> 00:16:07,023
three holes down there.
294
00:16:07,021 --> 00:16:10,011
Okay, stop talking
about your relationship.
295
00:16:10,010 --> 00:16:13,020
But it's fascinating!
There are places
a dick just can't go.
296
00:16:13,019 --> 00:16:16,009
Oh, some dicks manage just fine.
297
00:16:16,010 --> 00:16:18,020
Please, Maria has ten dicks.
298
00:16:18,018 --> 00:16:20,018
For the record,
you started this.
299
00:16:21,012 --> 00:16:22,022
I am sorry,
300
00:16:23,001 --> 00:16:26,011
but a finger is not a dick.
301
00:16:26,012 --> 00:16:28,022
Yes, a finger is more like
a third of a dick,
302
00:16:28,019 --> 00:16:31,999
so technically, Maria only has
three and a third dicks.
303
00:16:32,002 --> 00:16:33,012
I can tell you right now,
304
00:16:33,010 --> 00:16:35,020
this...
305
00:16:36,001 --> 00:16:39,001
is not the same as this...
306
00:16:39,004 --> 00:16:41,004
Okay, put that away.
307
00:16:41,006 --> 00:16:44,016
I'm just saying,
size has nothing to do with it.
308
00:16:44,019 --> 00:16:46,009
What's happening to you?
309
00:16:46,015 --> 00:16:48,005
I'm getting an education.
310
00:16:48,012 --> 00:16:51,012
Not only do I now know
everything there is to know
311
00:16:51,010 --> 00:16:53,010
about the glorious boceta.
312
00:16:53,015 --> 00:16:55,005
That's Portuguese for pussy.
313
00:16:55,012 --> 00:16:56,022
Boceta, schmagina,
314
00:16:57,000 --> 00:16:58,000
let's call the whole thing off.
315
00:16:58,005 --> 00:17:00,005
-The most important thing...
316
00:17:00,008 --> 00:17:03,018
...is that Maria has taught me
how to connect during sex.
317
00:17:03,022 --> 00:17:06,012
It's not just some animal act...
318
00:17:07,005 --> 00:17:10,995
It's about
two people making love.
319
00:17:11,021 --> 00:17:16,021
Yeah.
320
00:17:19,007 --> 00:17:21,007
-Hey.
-Hi.
321
00:17:21,013 --> 00:17:23,003
-I couldn't pick a shirt.
-Oh.
322
00:17:23,003 --> 00:17:24,013
Red, blue, I didn't know.
Come on in.
323
00:17:24,013 --> 00:17:27,003
-I'm making margaritas.
-Hey!
324
00:17:27,004 --> 00:17:29,004
Look what I bought today.
325
00:17:30,007 --> 00:17:31,997
My first jazz CD.
326
00:17:32,003 --> 00:17:35,003
No, no, no, no.
327
00:17:35,006 --> 00:17:37,996
No.
You gotta hear that on vinyl.
328
00:17:39,019 --> 00:17:41,009
Wait, Ray.
329
00:17:41,013 --> 00:17:42,023
Ray, Ray...
330
00:17:42,022 --> 00:17:44,012
Ray! Ray, stop.
331
00:17:45,006 --> 00:17:46,006
Don't play anything.
332
00:17:46,014 --> 00:17:50,014
Don't scat, don't chop,
don't blend, don't--
333
00:17:50,008 --> 00:17:51,008
Could we--
334
00:17:51,016 --> 00:17:53,016
Could we just sit
and talk for awhile?
335
00:17:53,021 --> 00:17:57,011
Oh, the "gotta talk" girl,
gotta talk, gotta talk.
336
00:17:57,016 --> 00:17:59,006
"What are you thinking?
Where is this going?"
337
00:17:59,016 --> 00:18:01,996
No, I'm not that girl,
I'm not, um...
338
00:18:02,003 --> 00:18:06,003
I'm not any girl,
I just want to talk.
339
00:18:06,005 --> 00:18:08,005
You know, talk...
340
00:18:08,016 --> 00:18:12,006
Like... Where are you from?
You said something
341
00:18:12,007 --> 00:18:13,007
about the Jersey Shore.
342
00:18:13,010 --> 00:18:15,010
Yeah, yeah, yeah,
I spent a couple summers there.
343
00:18:16,010 --> 00:18:17,020
Used to work on the boardwalk.
344
00:18:17,018 --> 00:18:19,018
There was this
skeet shooting place
I used to go to with my buddies.
345
00:18:19,018 --> 00:18:22,008
-Um, on the Jersey Shore?
-Upstate New York. College.
346
00:18:22,014 --> 00:18:24,004
And, pull!
347
00:18:24,006 --> 00:18:25,996
Man, why no skeet in the city?
348
00:18:26,006 --> 00:18:27,006
I love the skeet.
349
00:18:27,016 --> 00:18:28,016
I should open one in New York,
350
00:18:29,001 --> 00:18:30,001
maybe sell a club.
351
00:18:30,006 --> 00:18:32,016
Canned corn,
when was the last time
you had canned corn?
352
00:18:32,022 --> 00:18:35,002
That sounds good right now.
You hungry?
353
00:18:35,002 --> 00:18:36,012
Well, no, because I...
354
00:18:36,010 --> 00:18:38,000
-...remember I met--
355
00:18:38,005 --> 00:18:40,015
I had a pot pie in Vegas once,
loaded with corn...
356
00:18:40,022 --> 00:18:42,012
As Ray talked,
357
00:18:42,010 --> 00:18:46,020
I realized he wasn't
spontaneous and unpredictable
and thrilling.
358
00:18:48,007 --> 00:18:50,007
He was a guy with ADD.
359
00:18:50,014 --> 00:18:51,024
My mom used to drink.
360
00:18:51,018 --> 00:18:53,008
What kind of
relationship could I have
361
00:18:53,014 --> 00:18:55,014
with a guy I couldn't
even talk to?
362
00:18:55,016 --> 00:18:56,996
Flaky crust.
363
00:18:57,003 --> 00:18:58,023
I'd have to end it.
364
00:18:58,023 --> 00:19:00,023
You like pies?
365
00:19:02,003 --> 00:19:03,013
Ray?
366
00:19:04,020 --> 00:19:06,000
Wanna play me?
367
00:19:07,000 --> 00:19:08,010
Yeah.
368
00:19:08,007 --> 00:19:09,997
Eventually.
369
00:19:16,008 --> 00:19:18,998
Meanwhile, uptown...
370
00:19:19,002 --> 00:19:20,002
So, I was thinking--
371
00:19:20,004 --> 00:19:22,004
...Charlotte gave Trey
one more chance
372
00:19:22,002 --> 00:19:23,012
to ask her to move in.
373
00:19:23,008 --> 00:19:25,008
Uh... I'm just gonna say it.
374
00:19:27,007 --> 00:19:28,997
Next time I'm hard,
375
00:19:29,003 --> 00:19:32,013
would you consider
measuring my John Thomas?
376
00:19:32,008 --> 00:19:34,998
What? No!
377
00:19:35,003 --> 00:19:37,013
I understand,
it's juvenile, I know.
378
00:19:37,010 --> 00:19:40,010
But I've just never
seen it like this.
379
00:19:42,002 --> 00:19:45,002
I'm taking a shower.
380
00:19:45,004 --> 00:19:48,024
Charlotte was never a woman
who cared much about penises,
381
00:19:48,021 --> 00:19:52,011
and now a penis
was running her life.
382
00:19:54,022 --> 00:19:56,012
Forget it.
383
00:20:02,016 --> 00:20:04,006
As Charlotte lathered up,
384
00:20:04,014 --> 00:20:07,024
she really started
to get lathered up.
385
00:20:07,022 --> 00:20:10,002
Who did he think he was?
386
00:20:10,004 --> 00:20:12,024
He was her husband,
and she was his wife.
387
00:20:12,017 --> 00:20:16,007
What the hell was going on
in this Upper East Side
nightmare?
388
00:20:18,004 --> 00:20:19,024
-Trey!
-Huh?
389
00:20:19,021 --> 00:20:22,021
I'm tired of being
married to your penis!
390
00:20:23,001 --> 00:20:24,011
I am a person
391
00:20:24,012 --> 00:20:26,012
and this is supposed to be
a relationship!
392
00:20:26,010 --> 00:20:28,010
And I am done
walking on eggshells!
393
00:20:28,014 --> 00:20:31,014
"Oh, don't talk about moving in
in front of the penis
394
00:20:31,013 --> 00:20:32,023
'cause it might go soft.
395
00:20:32,020 --> 00:20:36,010
The penis likes this and
the penis doesn't like that!
396
00:20:36,010 --> 00:20:38,020
And the penis
wants to be measured!"
397
00:20:38,023 --> 00:20:41,013
-It was just a thought.
-Well, here's another thought!
398
00:20:41,007 --> 00:20:43,017
You can shove this marriage
up your ass!
399
00:20:43,020 --> 00:20:45,000
Charlotte, don't go.
400
00:20:45,003 --> 00:20:47,023
No, I'm going home
to my own apartment
401
00:20:47,020 --> 00:20:49,010
where I have a lease.
402
00:20:49,014 --> 00:20:53,014
I hope that you and your penis
have a very lovely night!
403
00:21:04,019 --> 00:21:07,019
Meanwhile, Miranda
was getting fed up as well...
404
00:21:07,023 --> 00:21:10,003
with herself.
405
00:21:36,005 --> 00:21:38,995
Hi, it's me, leave a message.
406
00:21:39,003 --> 00:21:40,023
I know you're probably busy
407
00:21:40,023 --> 00:21:43,013
having mind-blowing sex
right now,
408
00:21:43,010 --> 00:21:44,020
but I feel that you need to know
409
00:21:45,001 --> 00:21:47,001
your good friend,
Miranda Hobbes,
410
00:21:47,003 --> 00:21:50,003
has just taken a piece of cake
out of the garbage
411
00:21:50,004 --> 00:21:51,024
and eaten it.
412
00:21:51,020 --> 00:21:53,020
You'll probably
need this information
413
00:21:53,017 --> 00:21:56,017
when you check me into
the "Betty Crocker Clinic."
414
00:22:12,021 --> 00:22:15,001
That night, Miranda realized
415
00:22:15,005 --> 00:22:18,015
she'd been using chocolate
as a substitute for sex,
416
00:22:18,020 --> 00:22:21,020
and now she needed
a substitute for chocolate.
417
00:22:29,012 --> 00:22:32,002
The strike was officially over.
418
00:22:34,004 --> 00:22:35,024
That's perfect!
419
00:22:35,019 --> 00:22:37,019
And just when she thought
she knew everything
420
00:22:37,018 --> 00:22:39,018
there was to know
about women...
421
00:22:39,019 --> 00:22:41,999
Ah!
422
00:22:42,006 --> 00:22:45,006
...Samantha caused
the very elusive
423
00:22:45,007 --> 00:22:47,007
female ejaculation.
424
00:22:47,007 --> 00:22:48,007
Was that good or bad?
425
00:22:48,015 --> 00:22:52,005
That was very good.
426
00:22:52,007 --> 00:22:55,997
Samantha got the relationship
and the sex.
427
00:22:56,003 --> 00:22:59,023
In fact, a little more sex
than she'd expected.
428
00:23:02,013 --> 00:23:04,013
I want some water.
429
00:23:04,008 --> 00:23:08,008
You want some water?
Be right back.
430
00:23:08,009 --> 00:23:10,019
The next morning, I woke up
with a new thought.
431
00:23:10,023 --> 00:23:12,023
Maybe Ray was like jazz
432
00:23:13,000 --> 00:23:15,010
and instead of trying to
make him be something else,
433
00:23:15,011 --> 00:23:16,021
I needed to let go,
434
00:23:16,019 --> 00:23:18,019
and appreciate him
for what he was...
435
00:23:18,020 --> 00:23:21,010
truly mind-blowing sex.
436
00:23:36,019 --> 00:23:38,019
Ray?
437
00:23:44,002 --> 00:23:45,022
But unfortunately,
438
00:23:45,018 --> 00:23:48,008
I got the feeling Ray
had stopped playing me
439
00:23:48,014 --> 00:23:51,014
and moved on to
another instrument.
440
00:24:01,001 --> 00:24:02,021
Good morning, ma'am.
441
00:24:03,000 --> 00:24:04,020
Morning.
442
00:24:06,007 --> 00:24:08,997
You, uh, left something
at my--
443
00:24:10,009 --> 00:24:12,009
At the apartment.
444
00:24:12,009 --> 00:24:13,019
Oh.
445
00:24:16,020 --> 00:24:20,010
Charlotte, I want you
to move back in
446
00:24:20,010 --> 00:24:23,010
and get rid of
this old apartment.
447
00:24:23,010 --> 00:24:26,000
And stay all night every night.
448
00:24:26,003 --> 00:24:30,003
And wake up next to me
every morning and be my wife.
449
00:24:31,018 --> 00:24:33,008
You do?
450
00:24:33,009 --> 00:24:34,999
Yeah.
451
00:24:35,003 --> 00:24:38,023
I talked it over with my penis
and we both agree.
452
00:24:40,015 --> 00:24:42,015
I don't want to
lose you again.
453
00:24:44,017 --> 00:24:47,997
Charlotte York MacDougal...
454
00:24:48,021 --> 00:24:51,011
Will you remarry me?
455
00:24:51,010 --> 00:24:54,000
Yes, Trey MacDougal,
456
00:24:54,002 --> 00:24:55,022
I will remarry you.
457
00:25:19,009 --> 00:25:21,009
Walking home from ADD,
458
00:25:21,008 --> 00:25:22,018
"Another Dating Disaster,"
459
00:25:23,000 --> 00:25:26,020
I worried that there's a reason
they call it
"mind-blowing" sex.
460
00:25:26,019 --> 00:25:28,019
Maybe that kind
of physical connection
461
00:25:28,020 --> 00:25:31,010
obliterates the chance
of an intellectual one.
462
00:25:31,012 --> 00:25:35,002
Or maybe it's possible
to find both.
463
00:25:35,003 --> 00:25:38,023
That's what I was hoping,
because great sex is great,
464
00:25:39,001 --> 00:25:42,021
but I still like a song
with a melody I can sing to.