Here's your drink.
[Carrie] In the life of a New Yorker,
there are several unpleasant things
one will inevitably have to face.
Having your purse stolen.
Random public urination.
And seeing a gay friend's boyfriend in a Broadway review.
♪ And all that jazz ♪
I think I understand the three drink minimum now.
You're not enjoying the review?
♪ And all that jazz ♪
Frankly I'm more concerned about my own review in The Times.
Oh my God, right, your book's reviewed this week.
You must be so excited.
More like terrified. Michiko Kakutani.
She's The Times' book critic.
Oh, I thought you were suggesting an appetizer.
She's brilliant and she's really tough.
And impossible to pronounce.
♪ For all... ♪
[Carrie] Uh-oh, I think they're bringin' us home.
[chuckles]
♪ That... ♪
How could you not love this? Look at my boyfriend?
[Stanford] He's gorgeous!
[Carrie] Oh-ho-ho-ho. And he can kick.
[chuckles]
♪ That jazz ♪
-Bravo! -Bravo!
[Stanford laughingly] Bravo!
-[man] Love you! -Bravo!
[Debbie] Thank you!
My boys Marcus Adan and...
Isn't he great? He's great, don't you think?
-I have to go to the ladies room. -[man] Encore!
Now? They're gonna do an encore.
Uh-huh... I have to go to the ladies room.
[male announcer] Broadway's best, Debbie Cass.
Yes!
[Nina] Who would have thought the phrase,
"Go see your cousin Debbie's club act"
could contain such horror?
[Jen] Oh, I thought there'd be at least one straight guy here.
I mean, if not in the audience, then at least behind the bar.
[toilet flushing]
[Nina] Well, hold on, 'cause tomorrow,
we're gonna cruise the cute pretzel guys
-at the Village Square Market. -[Jen laughs] Oh, my God.
Is that as sad as that just sounded?
[Jen laughs]
Well, if it makes you feel any better,
I used to have a thing for the Amish guys
-who make hair brushes. -[Nina] Um...
Yeah.
[Nina] Hi. You're Carrie Bradshaw.
Yeah. Have we met?
I recognize you from your column.
Oh.
And I went out with Aidan right after you.
Phew!
There I was worried about The New York Times
when apparently... I'd already been reviewed.
I'm tellin' you, it was a hit and run.
No, no, no, no, no. It was a face and run.
Make it again.
[sucks in air]
Yeah, that ain't good.
I think you're being oversensitive
and it was some kind of a facial spasm or something.
A lot of people have them, like Bell's palsy.
No. It was not Bell's palsy.
It was a full frontal attack of the face.
Like uh... Wow, was he messed up.
You really screwed him up good.
What did you say to her?
I didn't have time to say anything.
She just ran outta the bathroom.
Fuck that fucking face girl.
Well, when you put it like that.
I'm sorry. I haven't slept for days.
Brady's been crying nonstop.
You poor thing, can I do anything?
[exhale] Put me out of my misery.
Well what's wrong with him, is he sick?
No, he's not sick.
He's not hungry, he's not teething,
he just wants to scream.
I'm doing everything I can, but I can't please him.
If he was 35, this is when we would break up.
He has issues, clearly.
I'm telling you. This 13 pound meatloaf
is pushing me over the edge. I feel disgusting!
All of my clothes smell like barf.
I don't have time to have a shower much less get a haircut.
Oh, that reminds me. I have to confirm my appointment
with John Mandee at the John Mandee Salon.
You have no idea how hard it was to get this appointment.
Hi, it's Samantha Jones.
I'm calling to confirm my appointment Saturday.
For a cut and color with John.
Thanks. Crisis averted. [chuckles]
Well... Magda's waiting for me.
Time to go back to prison.
Let me come with you, I can help.
You don't have to do that.
No, it's okay, actually I have a few questions
because I'm meeting with a divorce lawyer on Monday.
Oh, ask him if I could get an injunction to stop a face.
Who'd you get?
Matthew Bloom of Bloom & Goldenblatt.
-Mm... -What's he like?
He's smart. He's tough.
But is he tough enough to beat Bunny to a pulp?
Uhh... Yeah.
Good!
Okay. Great.
-Bye, guys. Have a nice day. -Bye.
Hey, Miranda, call me if you need anything.
Yeah. [sighs]
[Charlotte] Come on, Miranda.
Damn, why is that girl still bothering me?
Honey, you have to let it go.
If I worried what every bitch in New York was saying about me,
I'd never leave the house.
[laughs]
[Carrie] Early Monday morning, Charlotte met with her lawyer.
He was smart, tough...
And gorgeous.
You said on the phone you had some bad feelings
about your mother-in-law, Bunny MacDougal.
Did I?
I get a sense from her lawyer
this is gonna be a bit of a battle.
Oh.
[Carrie] It was a battle alright.
The battle of the Charlottes.
The Charlotte who wanted to seem attractive
to her adorable lawyer.
And the Charlotte who wanted to kick Bunny MacDougal's ass.
It looks to me that Mrs. MacDougal's been very busy
hiding assets to make sure you don't get... well,
anything.
Hm...
Well, I just really want what was promised.
I want my apartment.
Well, technically, it's not your apartment.
Trey's family owns it.
And she was very careful
to make sure your name was never on the deed.
What? Trey gave me that apartment!
Sorry. Usually I'm a very refined person.
Well, with your husband out of the country,
I'm gonna need you to be more specific.
[Carrie] Charlotte realized she could never be
as ugly as she needed to be in front of a man
she considered so handsome.
Up-bup-bup-bup-bup, sorry to bust in.
There's a bagel over here with my name on it.
My partner, Harry Goldenblatt.
Harry... Charlotte York. I'm handling her divorce.
Hey, how ya doin'?
Uh, you're in the right hands here.
He's a killer. Oh, agh, ew... [spits]
Who the hell ordered blueberry bagels?
I'm talkin' to Thelma about this.
Good luck to you.
[chuckles]
Is he a killer, too?
[Carrie] And just like that... Charlotte changed lawyers.
After a grueling day
which included leg, eyebrow and bikini waxes...
Samantha decided to reward herself with a night of R&R.
[sighs]
[short circuiting sounds]
Unfortunately, her favorite vibrator needed a little CPR.
[shorting out]
Ugh!
[crying]
Brady, please, what? I cannot read your mind.
[doorbell ringing]
Who is it?
[Kendall] 4-D.
It's 2:30 in the morning.
I know. I'm sorry.
You gotta stop that baby from crying.
Look, I said I was sorry. But I have a baby,
and sometimes babies make noise, that's what they do.
I know that. I have a baby, too.
And if you ever bothered to say hello in the elevator,
you would know that.
I'm Kendall, my baby is Aleika. Have a nice night.
[Carrie] Evidently, Miranda had been getting bad reviews
from inside her own building.
As for my review,
I guess I was pretty nervous.
-Times. -[man] Thank you.
[Carrie] I hadn't been up this early since Princess Diana's wedding.
Thank you. Okay.
Good morning.
"All in all,
I enjoyed spending time in Ms. Bradshaw's
sharp, funny, finely-drawn world
where single women rule and the men are disposable."
Ouch.
Carrie, I believe what you have there is a rave review
from The New York Times.
"The men are disposable"?
-I don't dispose of men, do I? -No.
Well, Michiko Kakutani thinks so and I always agree with her.
Fuck Michiko Kakutani.
Oh, no sleep again?
Actually, it was a good night.
I got a whole hour. [heavy sighs]
I can't believe I have to go and pretend to be a lawyer now.
[sighs] Can I wear a baseball cap to work?
-With what shoes? -[laughs weakly]
Oh, my God. Listen to me going on and on about Michiko Kakutani
when you have real problems.
So can I obsess for another minute?
Just don't say her name again.
It'll push me over the edge.
So, yes!
Some of the men in the book
are maybe a little disposable, but... this makes it sound
like I think men are disposable in life.
What? What's with the pause?
[gasping] I'm sorry, I fell asleep for a second.
That's a terrible thing to think about me.
Oh, my God! That's what the face meant.
Do you think that Aidan thinks that I think he was disposable?
Carrie, you did not throw Aidan away.
-Good morning. -Shh...
[Carrie] Well, that girl thinks I did.
He must've said something like that to her.
[door closing]
Where else would she get it?
Steve and Aidan are close,
has Steve ever said anything to you?
Does Steve hate me now?
Carrie, you're spinning.
Steve doesn't hate you.
Then how come I never see him anymore.
You never see him because I have to keep him away
because... If I see him now
I'll ask him to marry me just to give me some help.
[Carrie] I worked very hard at taking care of Aidan's feelings.
Will you mention that to Steve?
Because if Aidan told Steve that I--
Carrie, you know what?
Maybe you should call your girlfriend, Samantha.
She has all kinds of time to talk about this kind of stuff.
Look, I know it's me...
And I'm jealous of her free time and all.
But if she could maybe just once acknowledge the fact
that I've had a baby...
[sighs]
It's not enough I've alienated my neighbor.
Now I'm alienating my friends.
You're not alienating anyone.
Tell that to 4-D.
She's pissed off I don't know her name.
Do you know your neighbors' names?
Please.
I'm a bad neighbor and a bad mother.
That's not true, you're doin' great.
Yeah, right.
[Carrie] You're just having a bad week.
Can I do anything to help?
That helps. Just asking.
I'm late, I gotta go.
Congratulations on the review.
Yeah.
Why is it that we only seem to believe the negative things
people say about us?
No matter how much evidence there is to the contrary.
A neighbor, a face,
an ex-boyfriend can cancel out
everything we thought was once true.
Odd, but when it comes to life and love,
why do we believe our worst reviews?
[gasping]
[baby crying]
After a long day in court, Miranda faced another jury.
[baby crying]
Don't cry, don't cry.
[baby crying]
[Carrie] And at City Bakery,
Samantha and I were reviewing the desserts.
Mm-mm, delish.
Hey, I'll buy you dessert if you do something for me.
I'm not eating desserts this week.
Oh, come on, best brownies in New York.
-Bastard. -[Carrie giggles]
I'll take a brownie.
What do you need me to do?
It's about Miranda and the baby.
Forget the brownie.
No. She'll take the brownie.
Babies are not my scene.
And from what I've heard, this one sounds like an asshole.
You can't call a baby an asshole.
Why not? She called it a meatloaf.
I don't think it would kill all of us
to be a little more supportive.
Oh, alright.
When he's in college, I'll take him for a drink
and I'll flirt with his friends. How's that?
Maybe you could just stop by tomorrow
and say, "I hear you had a baby, how's that goin'?"
Carrie, I have no time, I'm booked all day.
I have my hair appointment
and I'm returning a vibrator before that.
Hair and a vibrator.
Yes. That is my life and I don't have to justify it.
I hate it when people have babies
and they suddenly expect you to turn into some kind of
Norman Rockwell painting.
We're not talking about people.
We're talking about our friend, and she's sinking.
What, so Miranda's like Venice?
[woman] That'll be $14.20.
She's paying for the brownie.
Carrie?
Oh, hey. Julia, hi!
Oh, um... This is my friend, Samantha.
This is Julia Afton, we work together at Vogue.
-Hi. -Hi. Hardly...
She gets to run in and out once a month
while I'm chained to the hem of Anna Wintour.
[laughs]
Oh, there's my friend, Nina!
I'm here.
[Julia] It is about time.
[Nina] Hey, sorry I'm late.
Carrie, hi.
[Carrie] There I was...
Face to face with the face girl.
And how do you two know each other?
I'll tell you over lunch.
[Samantha] Nina Katz? Hi. Samantha Jones.
Oh, hi. Nice to see you again.
Um, can we eat?
I am starvation central.
Okey-dokey. See ya.
Bye, Carrie.
How do you know Nina Katz?
Everybody knows Nina Katz.
She's the booker for Saturday Night Live.
Well, she's also the face girl.
-No! -Yes.
Nina Katz is the... [sucks in air]
Exactly.
Oh, great, that face'll be all over Vogue.
Not to mention SNL. Nina Katz loves to talk.
-$15.30. -I...
I'm going to need a big brownie as well. So...
The next day,
Samantha did some personal shopping.
Very personal.
-Can I help you? -Yes.
I'd like to return this vibrator.
We don't sell vibrators.
Yes, you do, I bought it here six months ago.
That's not a vibrator. It's a neck massager.
No, it's a vibrator.
Sharper Image doesn't sell vibrators.
It's a neck massager.
You expect me to believe that women buy these
to help their sore necks?
It's a neck massager.
Fine. I'd like to return this neck massager.
What's wrong with it?
It failed to get me off.
It has a warranty and it just stopped.
Made the saddest little sound.
Perhaps you wore it out.
Well, honey, it wouldn't be the first one.
Fine. Just... find another
and go to the cashier.
I know a man who's in desperate need of a neck massage.
[chuckles]
Oh, you don't want that one. Too many bells and whistles.
That one actually works against you.
If we wanted to work that hard, we'd get us a man.
Am I right?
[Carrie] Samantha instantly established herself...
as the Michiko Kakutani of vibrators.
I-- I think that one actually is a back massager.
Not if you mount it.
Ooh.
No, absolutely not. That will burn your clit off.
Even with underwear?
Even with ski pants.
[baby crying]
[Miranda] Come on.
[knocking at door]
[Kendall] I brought you something.
[baby crying]
Well, it belongs to Aleika.
An oscillating chair.
It helps.
Come on in.
[baby crying]
[laughs softly] Hey...
Hey there, Mr. Mouth.
What have you got to say that is so important?
I'm sorry, it's just been nonstop.
Now this chair
is a little controversial.
But I don't give a shit,
as it stopped my baby from crying
when I was about ready to throw myself off the fire escape.
[laugh] Sounds good.
Okay, now.
[crying stops]
[Miranda] Oh, my God.
The chair is genius.
I don't know, something about the vibration...
I don't know. They love it.
Aleika could sit in it for hours.
[laughs]
So, how come you haven't heard about this?
Don't your girlfriends have babies?
No. I'm the only one.
Ooh, then you're screwed.
Actually, they've been very helpful.
If they don't have kids, they don't have a clue.
Miranda, you're not a bad mother.
You just didn't have the chair.
[laughs]
Thank you.
-Kendall. -[laughs]
[Carrie] Three blissful baby hours later...
Samantha, what are you doing here?
I'm not Samantha, you are.
You have a 5:30 appointment
with John Mandee at the John Mandee Salon. Go!
What?
Uh, I can't take your--
I'm counting to five and then I'm changing my mind.
-Really? -Uh-huh.
You wanna babysit?
Five, four--
Okay! Okay!
[breathing heavily]
I don't know what to say.
I can't believe it.
Well, neither can I, but here I am.
Mary fuckin' Poppins.
[Miranda laughs and kisses] Thank you.
Um... The numbers are on the fridge.
And don't take him out of that chair.
It's the only thing that keeps him quiet.
And don't call boys.
Well, you don't look so bad.
[chair stops vibrating]
[screaming]
[Carrie] Meanwhile, in a chair across town,
I was enjoying an afternoon of absolutely nothing.
Goodnight, thank you.
Hey, do you think Nina Katz
is telling random celebrity hosts
that I am the bad break-up girlfriend?
-[baby crying] -What?
[Carrie] Well, you said she loved to talk.
Do you think she's trashing me to say,
a Gwenyth Paltrow
or an Ian McKellan?
You can't be serious.
Well, don't get me wrong, I don't flatter myself
that a Gwenyth Paltrow or an Ian McKellan
would be interested in my love life but--
[crying]
Are you at a zoo?
No. Thanks to you, I'm at Miranda's.
And Brady won't stop screaming
and I don't know what to do.
You're at Miranda's?
I sent her to get my haircut.
That was nice.
Yes, and now I'm being punished.
So, he's not hurt?
-No. -Or wet?
No.
Well, then I don't know what his problem is.
His problem is he's an asshole.
[crying]
Well, maybe you should call Miranda.
I will not.
It took me months to get that appointment.
Someone should benefit.
I'll find some way to keep this kid quiet. Goodbye.
No, no, wait. What about Nina?
Carrie, maybe Charlotte has the time to talk about this kind of stuff.
I have a screaming baby on my hands.
[dial tone]
[crying]
What? What do you need?
[Samantha] Well... That's better.
Is everything okay?
Oh, absolutely. The chair thing
broke, but, you know, shit happens.
The chair broke?
But what did you--
I mean, did he--
[vibrating]
That better be brand new.
[Carrie] Monday morning, Harry Goldenblatt did his best
to make sure Bunny didn't hop all over Charlotte.
Mrs. MacDougal is willing to offer her son's collection
of mint condition, silver buffalo coins.
Can we get off the coin collection?
She's not gonna settle for a coin collection.
Well, according to the prenup...
This is ridiculous. Trey gave me that apartment.
She gave him her word, till death do them part.
Bunny, if you have something to say to me, just--
-Fine. I shall. -I strongly recommend we focus--
Allen, hush.
You, my dear, took a vow.
And when things didn't go your way
you simply broke that vow.
I come from a generation of women that valued marriage.
We believed in for better or for worse.
Not, for better or until the road gets rocky.
When I think of the heartache
and shame you caused my dear boy...
I'm amazed that you could even come here
and look me in the face.
[Carrie] Charlotte couldn't fight anymore.
It seemed to her she'd been fighting for this marriage forever.
[knocking at door]
Be advised, young lady...
I'm more than prepared to go to court.
It's the coin collection. Take it or leave it.
Now, just hold on.
Apparently, our office just received a telegram
from Scotland from Doctor MacDougal.
Shall I read it?
By all means.
"Charlotte York was a wonderful wife. Stop.
She did nothing wrong. Stop.
Give her everything she wants.
Stop.
Seriously, mother... Stop."
[Carrie] That's the thing about reviews.
Sometimes, when you least expect it...
you get a rave.
Just the apartment.
I'll have papers drawn up
so Mrs. MacDougal can transfer the deed.
[Carrie] Even though things had gotten ugly...
Charlotte didn't want them to end that way.
I'm sorry things didn't work out better.
For all of us.
Allen.
[Carrie] Charlotte realized there was no such thing
as a fairy tale divorce, either.
Ding dong, the witch is dead.
[laughs]
[sighs]
[Carrie] And farther uptown, still unable to let it go...
Nina Katz and that face
had driven me to face my worst fear.
So, Steve, I know I was kinda vague on the phone.
It's Miranda, right? She doesn't want me callin' so much. Right?
It's fine, whatever.
No, no, no, it's not about Miranda, it's about...
How does Aidan feel about me?
Aw, geez, no.
I mean, you're not gonna try to get back together with him again, are you?
Um, no,
but that pretty much answers any question I had
about how you feel.
So...
What, does he hate me?
No, but come on, Carrie. I mean, it was pretty bad.
How bad, Steve?
Steve, the ball.
Sorry.
So, how is he now?
Great. He's great.
Good.
-He's great. -Good.
-Now. -[Carrie sighs]
But back then...
Back then he couldn't get out of bed for like...
What, days? Weeks?
Like a month. I brought him chicken wings.
Oh, Christ...
Look, I don't mean to make you feel bad.
Well, a month?
Yeah, he was devastated.
I mean, he lost his ability to open up and trust women.
He lost his ability to open up and trust women?
Did he tell you that?
No, guys don't talk about shit like that. We just ate wings,
but the girl, Nina, he was dating, she told me that.
Okay, we're looking for the cute pretzel guys.
How come you never wanted to cruise guys
when I was available?
This isn't about cruising, it's about clarity.
That Nina Katz face chick
is now hitting a little too close to home.
I wanna find her, and tell her my side of the break-up story.
Why? You know what you and Aidan had.
Yes, I know it, but she doesn't
and she's yip-yapping her version all over town.
It only takes one bad review
to cancel out all the good word of mouth.
What do you think of Marcus?
Nice. I mean relationships are complicated,
you can't reduce them to a face.
-I know that Aidan has feelings. -Okay.
-It's not my-- -Stop. I am done.
I've listened to you talk about Aidan for what, ten blocks,
and two years.
And I've been a wonderful audience.
And I ask you about my Marcus and all I get is "nice"?
I'm sorry.
I mean, Carrie, how many relationships have I been in
since you've known me?
Real or imaginary?
[giggles]
Come on, your opinion means a lot to me.
You're my Michiko Kakamatza.
So now what, you want me to review your relationship?
Immediately if not sooner.
Okay, well...
I like that he makes you happy.
Oh, my God...
Carrie.
[Nina laughs] Oh... Okay,
one more time, you are officially stalking me.
[Stanford giggles]
Hi, I'm Heather.
Heather Graham, I know, I love you.
I'm Stanford Blache.
Oh, sorry, Heather, uh, this is Carrie Bradshaw.
Carrie Bradshaw?
Really?
[sucks in air] Oh...
[Carrie] So...
Okay, I...
Nina,
I need to talk to you for a second, alone, if I can.
Oh, Miss Graham,
may I buy you a pretzel?
-Okay. [laughs] -And get me one.
A man or a pretzel?
Whatever has less carbs.
Right?
-[Stanford laughs] -[Heather laughs]
I get the sense that you have a sort of feeling
about what happened with Aidan.
And I just wanna clear something up.
Break-ups are awful, and they are private.
And they are not necessarily symptomatic
of what two people had together.
I loved Aidan very much.
And I would never ever have done anything
to deliberately hurt him.
Okay.
[Carrie] Suddenly, I realized that the critic
I was most afraid of wasn't Nina Katz.
It was me.
So...
Bye.
The truth is...
At any given moment, someone, somewhere
could be making a face about you.
[Carrie] Bye.
But it's the reviews you give yourself that matter.
...so I get over there with Heather Graham
and I'm like, shit, what do we have to talk about?
-[chuckles] -She's pretty.
I know, but we have nothing to talk about but pretzels.
-So, okay, so I said... -Ooh...
-[giggles] -Sorry.
Come on, come on!
So I said, "Have you ever been to Bavaria?
They make the best pretzels there."