(AUDIENCE APPLAUDING)
SHEPHERD: This evening we are very proud to honor a gentleman
who's written over 17 motion pictures.
Many of them having dealt with the human condition.
This gentleman was nominated for an Academy Award in 1993
for his motion picture, McCormick Place.
Tonight, along with the other distinguished artists,
we are proud to award this year's Humanitarian Prize
to Mr. Steven Phillips!
(ALL APPLAUDING)
Congratulations.
Thank you very much.
You know, I would not even be here tonight if it wasn't for my family.
My beautiful wife, Laura,
my daughters, Mary and Julie.
Without their love and support, God knows, I...
I'm sure I would be down on Western Avenue in some seedy bar.
(AUDIENCE LAUGHS)
Not that I'm not going there anyway.
It's just I'll drop you guys off first.
(ALL LAUGHING)
Being a screenwriter in Hollywood
is... It's a lot like being a eunuch in an orgy.
The only difference is, the eunuchs get to watch
and I'm not even invited to the set.
(ALL LAUGHING)
I really don't know how to thank you.
I... I do appreciate it.
As soon as I get home, I'm going to put this up there
on the mantel with the other ones,
and that will make a total of two.
(ALL LAUGHING)
Thank you very much. And I'm king of the room!
Thank you.
This looks like a penis.
What did you say? What?
Where did you learn that word?
From Howard Stern.
You're not supposed to be listening to him.
Why is she listening to him?
No more FM. That's off-limits to you.
They say that word on AM, too.
Then no more radio of any kind.
Never listen to the radio again.
What's wrong with "penis"?
I don't want to hear that word, girls.
Unless we're in a doctor's office.
That word is off-limits to the family.
So, when do you start shooting the new one?
Well, first they have to give me a go,
and then they'll do the casting.
What's a go?
It's when they say "yes," sweetheart.
When do you think you'll hear?
I should have heard already. Probably this week.
So, who is going to be in it?
I don't know.
Can I star in the movie, Daddy?
Yes, darling, as soon as you're an older man.
STEVEN: Good night. Good night.
Congratulations, Daddy. I love you.
I'm so happy you were there.
Me, too.
It was really important to me. Don't stay up too late.
Okay.
Good night, baby.
Daddy, what exactly is a humanitarian?
It's someone who's never won the Oscar.
Go to sleep.
Hello, hello. Hello.
Josh read your script, and he's ready to see you.
How did he sound?
He sounded great.
Hey, Steven. Come on in.
Oh. Nice. Nice couch.
Did you see Saving Private Ryan?
No, I didn't.
That's the couch they used in the picture.
Oh.
I love to get props before anybody else does.
You know, it's sort of like a collecting thing.
Someday all this stuff is going to be worth a fortune.
Gee, does Paramount let you take all this stuff when you leave here?
Who says I'm leaving here?
No, I just meant if.
I'll worry about that when the time comes.
Did you eat?
No. Well, you know, had a little Jell-O.
Come on. I'll treat you to lunch.
Oh, great.
Is that blood?
Hey, congratulations on that humanitarian thing.
Thank you. You make it sound so important.
What was that for exactly?
What do you mean?
Was it for this year?
Oh, it wasn't for any particular year. It was for a career.
Well, it's wonderful.
You had a great career.
What do you mean "had"?
I'm still having it, aren't I?
I read your script.
And?
Well, let me put this in a form that isn't insulting.
Because I tend to be too direct.
All my friends tell me that.
The script's no good.
That's the form that's not insulting?
What would the insulting form be?
(LAUGHS) Good one.
What are you doing?
Oh, I write down lines I like. I like that line.
Yeah, I think that's called stealing.
So, what's wrong with the script? I don't understand.
I think what's wrong with the script is you.
It was not that the script, per se, is bad.
You know, it's flat.
It feels like it's been done before.
Well, it has been done before. Right.
It's an action movie. It's been done a million times,
but you guys keep making them, so here's a good one.
LAMAS: Josh. How's it going?
Hey, Lorenzo, I was just talking about you.
Lorenzo Lamas, Steven Phillips.
Hey. Nice to meet you.
Hey, hey. I'm halfway through your script. It's brilliant.
LAMAS: Thank you.
I'll call you tomorrow. Really great work.
Wow. Thank you so much.
Nice meeting you.
Yeah.
So, give me notes. I'll fix whatever's wrong.
It's beyond notes.
Oh, nothing's beyond notes. I'm a writer.
What do you want done?
Listen to me.
Did you ever stop and think
maybe you're at that point in your life
where you should be heading in a new direction?
What?
I read in the Wall Street Journal
where everybody has at least three careers.
Did you read that?
No. Well...
Possibly, writing is something you shouldn't do anymore.
I mean, maybe you're heading for your third career.
I never had a second career.
Okay, you're heading for your second career.
No, I'm not heading for anything.
I'm a damn good writer. I just got a major award.
(LAUGHING) What, the Humanitarian Award?
Please. Everybody gets that. That's nothing.
Oh, thank you, Josh.
You know, I couldn't put my finger on exactly what the award was.
I just think you've lost your edge.
I see.
Okay.
So you guys don't want to make this movie.
You'll give to me in turn around,
I'll make it somewhere else.
That's not exactly what I'm trying to say.
I don't think your deal here is going to work out.
What?
We don't want to keep rejecting your work
just to fill a three-picture deal.
You know, go. Go take some time off.
Get your edge back. It'll be good for your head.
Oh, please don't tell me what's good for my head.
I can't afford to take time off.
I have a family. I have to make an income.
That's not our problem.
I can't believe that all of this happened over one script.
Oh, it wasn't just one script.
I mean, we were all a little disappointed in your last picture.
Everybody said it did well.
Everybody lied.
Hello, Josh.
Hey, Jennifer.
You never called me. What happened?
Oh, I thought I did.
No, no. You never called me.
Oh, well, Jennifer Tilly, this is...
I don't want to meet any more people
at this moment in my life.
Just do what you need to do.
Fine. Listen, I'll call you tomorrow.
I promise.
You promise?
You have my word.
Isn't Josh a doll?
Oh, yeah. No, he is really a doll.
He's a regular little Chucky.
So, just cut to the chase.
Just what exactly are you telling me?
We'd like you out of here by 5:00.
What?
It would really help us out.
Brian De Palma needs your office.
What? You can't give Brian De Palma my office.
Well, it's not really your office.
I mean, we're all just using space here.
You know, I'm where Lucille Ball used to be.
Huh. Too bad you're not where she is now.
Good one.
You write that down, I'll cut off your head.
HAL ON PHONE: Yeah, I knew that's what
he was going to say. He called me first.
So why didn't you tell me and save me the embarrassment?
Well, you're a persuasive guy. I thought maybe you'd change his mind.
STEVEN: So we'll set it up elsewhere, right?
I think that's going to be tough, Steven.
I've been looking into it. They don't seem to wanna make action anymore.
What are you talking about?
That's all they make is action.
They don't want to make this kind of action.
It's not your forte, anyway.
You should go back to writing the smaller films.
You told me not to do that.
That's right, I did, and that was very good advice,
because they're not really buying those, either.
You know what? Maybe now is the time to go into television.
Find an independent. I'll take less money. Set it up that way.
I've been trying. I can't. Nobody's buying.
Well, I don't understand. What's the criticism?
People say it has no edge.
I keep hearing this "no edge" bullshit.
I don't even know what this means.
It's an action movie. There's plenty of edge.
Look, give me a week, I'll fix it. It'll be all edge.
Look, it's not just this script.
The other two are getting the same comments.
There's people... I don't agree with them.
They think you're... How shall I put this?
Past your prime.
Past my prime?
Picasso painted until he was 90, for God's sake.
Yeah. But he never wrote a good screenplay.
You know what you should do? Cool out.
Take a year off. Clear your head.
I can't take a year off, Hal. I have a family to feed.
Get me a meeting with Steven Spielberg.
(LAUGHS)
He'll make this movie. I know it.
Steve doesn't take meetings anymore.
He'll take this one.
We're old friends. I used to buy him sushi 25 years ago.
I just read in some magazine where he doesn't eat sushi anymore.
(YELLING) Who cares about the sushi?
Just get me a meeting with him.
Hello.
Yes, sir.
Yes. I'm here to see Mr. Spielberg.
What is your name? Steven Phillips.
You don't have a drive-on. Mmm?
You'll have to make a U-turn here,
park across the street and walk.
Do you know where the building is?
Yeah, it's like nine miles from here.
It is a little far.
I don't have a drive-on?
No, sir, you have a walk-on.
Uh-huh. Is that the worst a person can get,
or is there like a crawl-on?
Beg your pardon?
Never mind. Thanks.
FEMALE GUIDE ON SPEAKER: On your right are the soundstages
where they filmed the movie Liar Liar.
On your left is a man who obviously did not get a drive-on.
(PANTING)
(RECEPTIONISTS CHATTERING)
(PHONES RINGING)
May I help you?
My name is Steven Phillips.
I'm here to see Mr. Spielberg.
Here you go. You go to the second floor.
It's office 202.
Thanks.
Yes, sir. Well, you have an appointment right now.
I think the gentleman is here.
Yes, I'll send him right in.
Are you Mr. Phillips?
Yes, I am.
Mr. Spielberg will see you.
Thank you.
(VIDEO GAME BEEPING)
Come in. Close the door. We'll have some privacy.
I would get up, but my feet hurt.
Have a seat.
Who are you?
I'm Stan Spielberg. I'm Steven's cousin.
Call me Stan.
You're a writer?
Yeah, but... Where's Steven?
I haven't seen Steven in almost a year.
Oh, no.
I saw him on television once.
Anyway, let's get down to business.
What did you write? What?
I have a lot of things on my mind.
What did you do?
Oh, oh, you did the talking dog thing.
Listen to me, my friend. It's been done before.
I did not do anything about a talking dog.
Really?
What did the guy who's in here now write?
Oh, that's right. I hated it. Thanks.
Well, apparently, I didn't like yours, either.
Uh-huh. What is it that you do here, exactly?
You know, I don't... I don't really know.
Steven gave me the job, and I never questioned it.
What did you do before this? I'm just curious.
This is my first real employment.
All right, we're done. Thanks.
Just remember...
Make it in color. The people love color.
I've hit the wall. My career has hit the wall.
I have no other options now. There's nowhere to turn.
Talk to Jack, he'll make you feel better.
I don't want to do that. It's humiliating.
Why is it humiliating? That's what friends are for.
But, you know, he'll pity me and that's no good.
Why don't you write something for his company?
He hasn't asked me.
Well, if he knew the deal fell through, maybe he would.
I don't want charity.
Go talk to him. You're the same age.
Nobody's telling him he's over the hill.
Isn't he doing better now than ever?
Yeah. I guess.
He'll put things in perspective.
He knows what you're going through.
I'm sure once in his life a studio has told him
the same thing they're telling you.
Okay, I'll talk to him.
So, how's it going, buddy? You look bad.
Oh, Jack, I'm having a terrible week.
Well, what's the matter?
You in trouble? Money?
No, it's not money. Not yet, anyway.
Well, what's the problem?
Well, before we get to me...
Are you having an affair?
(CHUCKLES) Why would you say that?
Who was the woman that got in the cab?
You saw that?
Well, I'm... I wasn't spying or anything.
I just arrived when it happened.
I can't talk about it.
You're having an affair.
No, no. No, no, I'm not. I just can't talk about it.
Come on, I'm your friend. I'll keep a secret. Who is she?
Don't ask me any questions about this.
Okay.
Let's just drop it.
How's... How's your new script?
Oh, great. Paramount is not going to make it.
Why? That was a... That was a great idea. They don't like it?
Oh, it's way beyond that. They've stopped liking me.
They terminated my deal.
You're kidding.
They're telling me I've lost my edge.
This is the worst week I've ever had in my life.
Buddy.
Seven days ago, I was on top of the world.
Now it's over. It's just over for me.
You've had this feeling before. Yes?
No.
No? No one's ever told you that you're over the hill?
No, no, they haven't.
Great.
I'm telling you something, if I didn't have a family,
I think I'd be out buying heroin right now.
Buddy, I don't like to hear you talking like this.
That's the way I feel. I mean, why not?
(SIGHS)
Okay. Maybe there's something that I can do.
Oh, God, I'm not supposed to do this.
Not supposed to do what?
You're sounding so mysterious.
Come on. Take a walk with me. I'm going to...
I'm going to tell you something you're probably not going to believe.
Do you know what a Muse is?
A Muse?
Yeah.
I think so.
Well, you know about mythology, right?
They were the daughters of Zeus. There were nine of them.
They inspired all creativity.
That's... That's where the word "music" comes from.
That's interesting. I didn't know that. What's the point?
What if I told you they... They still exist?
Muses?
(LAUGHING) I would tell you I rode over here on a unicorn.
(LAUGHS)
No, I'm... I'm being dead serious.
I... I want you to listen to what I have to say
and try to keep an open mind.
Have a seat.
That... That woman that you saw this morning getting into the taxi?
Mmm-hmm.
She's a Muse.
Come on.
No, I met her at a party a couple of years ago.
Rob Reiner introduced us.
Rob Reiner?
Yeah, there were a lot of...
A lot of writers there, directors...
She... She seemed to know them all.
I just thank God that I met her, because...
If you're lucky enough to be with her,
you write better than you've ever written in your whole life.
You know, I must look pretty pathetic
that you have to be soothing me with this fairy tale.
No, no, no. This is... This is not a fairy tale.
This is real.
It's real?
You remember a year and a half ago,
I couldn't break that hotel story?
Yeah. Well, she figured that out.
She wrote it for you?
No, no, she doesn't actually write.
She inspires.
Where is she from? Greece?
I don't know where she's from.
Her family tree apparently goes all the way back to the beginning of time.
I never really ask questions.
I've just taken what she's offered.
You're being serious.
I'm being serious.
You swear to God?
I swear to God.
Okay, I believe you.
I want in. How do I meet her?
I don't... I don't know if I can do that.
Well, you have to do it.
See, she's funny about taking on new people.
Well, I'm not new people, I'm one of your best friends.
You have to call her. Call her now.
You can't tell me this, and then not call her.
This is what I need. This is why I'm here.
I didn't know exactly why I came.
This is why. Call her.
Please.
And he's really a good friend.
(STAMMERING) And he needs you.
(SOFTLY) Tell her I got nominated.
Oh, he was nominated for an Academy Award.
Did you see McAllister Place?
McCormick Place. McCormick Place?
Well, it was good. You should see it.
I got the tape. I have a tape.
Anyway, he's in trouble.
Could you at least meet with him?
Fantastic.
Fantastic. Sarah, I... I can't thank you enough.
This is... This is wonderful.
Oh, and by the way, you were right once again.
About Toronto. So much better.
No, no. Than... No, than Quebec.
Yes, I know. Too much French.
All right. And, Sarah, thank you again.
You're a doll.
You're going to see her today at 4:00.
Oh, my God, I can't believe it!
You're amazing! Yeah.
Are you going to Canada?
No, no, no. No, I'm setting a movie in Canada.
She convinced me Toronto was much better than Quebec.
She does locations, too? This is a miracle.
It's a miracle.
Now, here's the address.
You saved me.
I don't know how else to put it. You saved me.
Hey, all I did was get you the meeting.
You're going to have to do the rest.
But I'll tell you this...
You get her, your life is never going to be the same.
(DOORBELL RINGING)
Can I help you?
Yes. Is Sarah Little here?
No. She lives in the guest house.
Ah. Where would that be?
Oh, it's around the back. It has its own gate.
Oh.
Who are you?
I'm just a friend.
Are you her husband?
Oh, no, no, no.
Well, then, how come you don't have a gift?
What?
How come you're not bringing her anything? Everyone else does.
I don't know anything about that.
I'm... I'm new.
Well, you better have a gift.
Yes.
Hello. I'm Steven Phillips. I'm Jack's friend.
Oh! Oh! I'm sorry. Something came up for me today.
I'll have to see you tomorrow morning.
Tomorrow?
Did you bring any of your scripts with you?
No, I didn't know I was supposed to.
Have someone messenger over some of your work.
I'll read it tonight. I'll see you tomorrow at 10:30. Okay?
So, then, that's the end of this meeting?
Was there something else you wanted?
(STAMMERING) How did this go? Okay?
(CHUCKLING) Yeah, went fine.
STEVEN: So, she couldn't really see me.
She wants me to send over some of my work
and come back in the morning.
JACK: Ah, did you bring her a gift?
STEVEN ON PHONE: What?
Oh, I hope you didn't go empty-handed.
Well, you didn't say anything about this.
Listen to me, go to Tiffany's right now.
Bring her something.
Tiffany's? I don't shop for my wife at Tiffany's.
Your wife can't save your career. Do what I'm telling you.
Well, what's her taste? How much money do I have to spend?
Get her something very...
(STATIC)
Hello... Hello?
I'm losing you.
Can't hear you.
Hello?
How much do I have to spend?
Good luck, buddy.
How much money?
Is that Steven?
Phyllis.
Hi. How are you?
What are you buying?
Well, it's a secret.
Does Laura know?
No. That's what a secret means.
Is it her birthday?
No.
Special occasion?
Uh-uh.
I wish Frank was like you.
(LAUGHS)
Since you don't really know this woman,
you can't go wrong with one of these.
Everyone loves them.
(STAMMERING) Well, I'll leave you and your little shopping dilemma.
This is not what you think.
I don't think anything. Bye-bye.
Phyllis, it's just a business gift. That's all this is.
My lips are sealed.
Your lips don't have to be sealed.
It's not a lip-sealing situation, Phyllis.
Unseal them!
Let your lips just do what they do.
(SIGHS)
Let's see. They're all pretty.
How much would this be?
That one is $3,500.
Oh, God, no. No, no, no, no.
No. I was thinking more like 50, 60.
Sixty what?
Dollars.
Oh, I see.
Well, these sterling silver key rings are $60.
Oh, well, that's beautiful.
It's feminine and pretty.
And what woman wouldn't love this?
Does this come with a Tiffany box?
Yes, it does.
Wrap that up. Okay.
Who is she?
STEVEN: She's nobody.
You were at Tiffany's for nobody?
Phyllis doesn't know anything.
If I told you what I was doing there,
you're not going to believe me anyway.
So, just forget it for now. I'll tell you later.
Are you in love with someone?
Yes. You.
Well, then, why didn't you buy me a present?
How do you know I didn't?
Did you?
Well, not today.
Oh, this makes me feel weird.
I don't like hearing these things from my friends.
She's not your friend. She's a big, fat gossip.
Well, what did you buy?
I bought a little key ring, that's all.
Just a nothing. A key ring.
Well, why did you have to buy it at Tiffany's?
Do me a favor. Give me 24 hours.
Let me figure this all out,
then I can explain it to you.
It's just they... They told me not to say too much right now.
Who's "they"?
Please, no questions.
Just give me a hint.
Okay. One hint.
It's mystical. It's magical.
It just might save my life.
And it wanted a key ring?
Yes, it did.
Hello. Here.
Come on in. Thank you.
Okay.
(DOOR CLOSES)
Come in. Sit down.
Gee, now that I've seen your taste,
I don't think I got you the right gift.
Oh, it's fine.
STEVEN: No, no, no, it isn't fine.
SARAH: No, it's lovely, I'm sure.
(STAMMERING) I'm just... I'm a little worried
because I see what you like and...
Forget about it.
All right.
I read two of your scripts.
Yes.
I can see why you need me.
Oh, well, that doesn't sound very good, does it?
Oh, don't be offended.
You have a... A lot of talent.
It's just that you're losing your edge.
Jesus! I'm hearing this from everybody.
That's because it's true. But I have good news for you.
I'm taking you on.
Really?
So, I've got a Muse. I've got my own Muse!
First, I'm going to need somewhere to live.
Try getting me a very nice suite at the Four Seasons Hotel.
Something on a high floor.
It's much quieter that way.
Now, secondly, I have special...
Wait, wait. Let's just go to the "firstly."
You want what? A suite at the Four Seasons?
Yes. On a higher floor, please.
Well, what's wrong with this place? It's lovely.
Oh, it's a guest house, and I've already told them that I'm leaving.
You see, the way I work is,
my new client takes on all my expenses.
And, well, you're my new client.
I am? Mmm.
Am I the only new client?
Yes.
I mean, Jack, for example, he's not a new client?
No.
So, then, like, Jack is not going to be kicking in for the suite here?
No, he wouldn't.
Okay, then. Gee. Whoa!
Secondarily...
I just, you know, it's a new piece of information.
I have special dietary needs.
I assume that the suite will have a kitchenette.
I'll need you to fill that with food.
A concise list will follow. Will follow.
You're not writing this down.
You want me to write it down?
Nobody said anything.
Well...
(MUTTERING)
I have a small piece of paper here.
I don't... I don't...
Oh.
Uh... What?
Oh.
(SIGHS)
Okay. A suite.
You said the high floor? Mmm-hmm.
So, I'm assuming something above eight would be sufficient?
(CHUCKLING) Oh, no!
All right.
And the dietary needs?
How long will this musing process take?
More than a day?
Inspiration can take a week to six months.
That depends on you.
Six months?
You don't want to... You don't want to...
You don't want to be in the Four Seasons for six months.
(STAMMERING) That's not good.
Why not?
Well, a lot of reasons.
First of all, it's too high.
I'll be fine.
Well, maybe high isn't what I meant.
You're concerned about the cost, correct?
No, no, no. Yeah. Yeah.
If this process works and you sell this script,
you're going to make a lot of money.
You need to think of this as an investment.
I'll write that down.
And transportation.
Transportation.
A limousine.
What? Lim-ou-sine.
Oh, you don't need that.
Yes, yes, yes, I do.
Well, I mean, I'm happy to drive you wherever you want to go.
You really don't need a limo.
(LAUGHING) What if I need something in the middle of the night?
Well, I mean, the Four Seasons has a concierge, and I'm available.
You're covered. One person or another, you're gonna be all right.
I am used to having my own car.
How about if I make a deal with you?
You get me one of those Oscars that you got Jack,
and I'll drive you to the moon.
I mean, I'll be on call 24 hours a day.
All right. We'll try it your way.
All right. At least that. No limo.
Now, in terms of working, we'll work at my hours.
Sometimes, if I'm up in the middle of the night
and I can't sleep and I feel productive,
I'm gonna expect you to work.
Do you actually do some of the writing?
No.
So, it's not like Rumpelstiltskin.
I'm not gonna wake up with a script?
No, you won't wake up with a script.
(SIGHING) All right.
Now, I need you to go to the Four Seasons today
to make sure that you like the suite
because I'll wanna move tomorrow.
So, on your way over to the hotel,
take these to the Royal Cleaners on Canon Drive
and make sure that they're dry-cleaned.
Because if you don't specify dry-cleaning, they'll wash them.
(KNOCK AT DOOR)
Hello.
Daddy said, "Thank you."
And he wanted me to give you this.
Well, you tell your dad I said, "Thank you very much."
Okay.
Okay. Bye, honey.
(LAUGHING)
(SIGHING)
Hmm.
Holy shit, did I give you the wrong gift.
You're not gonna like it.
My gift is not ready.
This is just like a little temporary pre-gift.
The real gift is being built.
It wasn't what I wanted, they convinced me and I told them no.
So, I'm going to go and get what I really wanted.
You would clog up your toilet trying to flush this.
This is dreck.
Do you have your list?
Okay.
Why don't you get settled?
I'm going to run down to the lobby for one minute.
(PEOPLE CHATTERING)
Hi, again. I'm back.
If she's here more than three days,
doesn't a discount kick in then?
Nothing is going to kick in, sir. I've told you this.
No, I know. But say you're a resident.
I'm sure you got people who live in the hotel.
They get a discount, don't they?
She's not a resident.
Well, how many days qualifies as a resident?
More than 30.
Look, I'll tell you what. Come to me in a month. We'll talk.
All right. One last thing.
For 1,700 a day, shouldn't you fill up the refrigerator?
It just seems odd that I have to do that.
Why don't you fill it up with food?
Are you joking?
Are we laughing?
You're an interesting man, sir. Please leave.
SARAH: Psst.
(WHISPERING) Tip him.
You didn't tip him yet?
I don't tip.
He's been standing here the whole time?
Just do it.
(SIGHING)
Here you go.
Thanks. Thank you.
So, what did you give him?
Ten dollars.
(SCOFFING) That's not enough!
You've got to give them at least 20 or they feel slighted.
Well, what should I do? Run after him and give him more money?
No, you can do it next time.
Right. I'll get him the next time.
So, what do we think?
SARAH: Meh.
The suite's nice. It's just that... You know.
(WHISPERING) It's over the pool.
(SCOFFS) This is where you want to be in this hotel.
This is the premium side, the pool side.
The street's the bad side. The pool's the good side.
This is 1,700 a night.
Don't talk about prices.
I have many important things on my mind.
I don't have room for thoughts of money.
Why would you?
Now, we need to do some grocery shopping.
You know, I don't know you that well.
But just so I understand the way you talk,
when you say "we," you mean me.
Yeah.
You
need to get some groceries. There's my list.
Oh.
And please go to the health food store
because I don't like the other kind.
You know what? I psychically knew that.
(GASPS) Hi, Daddy! Look! Daddy's here.
Yes.
Hi.
Honey, go get some soda.
I want to talk to your father.
What kind of soda?
Any kind you want.
Oh, boy!
Hi. How are you?
What are you doing here?
I'm shopping.
You're shopping? Yeah.
You're shopping for us.
I was hungry. There wasn't really anything in the house.
So I thought I would help out.
Who eats these?
The snails? I do.
Since when?
Well, there's a lot of things you don't know about me.
Like your need for tampons.
I'm shopping for her. Okay?
I was going to tell you about it if it went well, which it did.
I'm gonna be working with this woman now, and I just...
I had to pick up a few things for her. That's all.
Who the hell are you working with that makes you go shopping?
I don't get it.
Well, she lives in a hotel and she doesn't have a car.
In a hotel? What hotel?
She's at the Four Seasons.
Why is she there?
That's where I put her.
You put someone up at the Four Seasons hotel?
Those rooms cost a fortune!
Listen, we can talk about it, but we don't wanna discuss it in the market, do we?
Let's talk about it at home.
Who the hell is this person? Tell me right now.
I may not see you at home.
What are you threatening?
Who is she?
She's a Muse.
I don't think I heard you.
She's a Muse. A real, live Muse.
That's who eats snails? The Muse?
Yes.
I'll see you later.
Something is wrong with you. I am really quite worried.
Listen to me, Laura, honey, trust me.
I don't say that unless I mean it. Trust me.
Just buy the snails and the tampons. I'll talk to you later.
I swear to God I'm telling the truth! Ask Jack!
She's a real Muse! She's not the only one!
They live amongst us!
Let's go. He's crazy.
What did Carl say when he left you?
SUSAN ON PHONE: He didn't say anything. I found a note.
I'm so confused. I thought everything was okay with us.
Well, what if he's telling you the truth?
The truth? That he met a Muse? Are you crazy?
Hey, I have an idea. Follow him.
I'm not going to follow him.
I'm just disappointed on so many levels.
Maybe he really has lost it.
You would think as a writer he would come up with a better excuse than this.
Yeah. I don't know. I guess it does sound a little weird.
I'm too upset right now. I'll talk to you later.
Okay. Well, take care of yourself. All right?
(SIGHING)
Mommy? Are you and Daddy getting a divorce?
What? No!
No, honey, of course not.
What's going on?
I don't know. Maybe nothing.
Daddy's just a little confused right now.
Has Daddy lost it?
No. Why do you say that?
My friend Karen says that all writers lose it eventually.
That's why they kill themselves.
That's not true. And they don't kill themselves.
Margaux Hemingway did.
You're thinking of Ernest Hemingway.
So did Margaux Hemingway.
We're not the Hemingways.
If you and Daddy split up, can I get my own apartment?
First of all, we're not splitting up. Second of all, you're 12.
You're not getting your own apartment.
My friend Sandy did.
Sandy's parents are in the mob.
I don't want to talk about it anymore.
So Jack's known her for a year?
Longer than that.
And he says she's real?
Since he's met her, he's had the best period of his entire life.
He got the Oscar, for God's sake!
And other writers know her?
Yes, tons!
(PHONE RINGING)
Who could be calling this late?
Oh, God! I hope nobody died.
Hello?
Steven?
It's okay. What's wrong?
I don't like the room service here.
STEVEN: How could that be? You're at the Four Seasons.
(CRYING) I want a Waldorf salad.
So order one.
(SNIFFLING) But they won't make it after 10:00.
All right. Calm down. Take it easy.
There's a reason for that.
I just read in the newspaper
where it's unhealthy to eat lettuce in the evening.
They did this study at Harvard,
and anybody who had any kind of greens after 8:00 had a lot of colon problems.
You don't want colon problems, do you?
(LAUGHING HUMORLESSLY) I want the salad.
Damn it.
It's her. She wants a salad.
Oh.
Listen, you know, nothing's open now. It's too late.
Spago is open.
Spago? Are you sure Spago even makes a Waldorf salad?
(SIGHING) Maybe we made a mistake.
STEVEN: What?
Maybe you and I shouldn't work together.
Why? Because I'm questioning your order?
Just make sure they don't put any cheese on it.
Are you writing this down?
Yes, I'm always writing it down.
No cheese.
Also, stop at the drug store and get me bobby pins.
Bobby pins?
See you soon.
You know what? I'm starting to believe you.
I don't know who this woman is,
but at least I know you're not having sex with her.
Why?
Because you could never get aroused
by someone who made you do this many errands.
WOMAN ON RADIO: He's carrying a salad. I think he's on 15.
May I help you, sir?
I'm going to 1515.
Are you a guest, sir?
No, I'm feeding a guest.
Oh.
One Waldorf.
Call me tomorrow. I'm sleeping.
Well, what about this?
You eat it.
I don't want it.
Well, give it to the homeless.
Oh, that's a swell idea.
They can eat it with the bobby pins.
Oh, I forgot the bobby pins. Call me tomorrow.
I have a question.
WOMAN: Get some identification, Bob.
(STEVEN EXCLAIMING)
(SIGHING) I'm sorry, sir.
STEVEN: Ow.
Are you all right?
I'm fine.
(PHONE RINGING)
Hello.
(UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING) Good morning!
What?
It's 10:00. Let's go to Long Beach.
Long Beach?
I was reading about this new aquarium and it looks really beautiful.
Let's go check it out.
Aquarium?
Just pick me up.
Can we go a little later 'cause I didn't get to sleep... Hello?
(PEOPLE CHATTERING)
STEVEN: So why this place?
SARAH: I saw an ad, then I had a dream.
I have a good feeling about this.
Should I be thinking of an idea right now?
Quiet. Just enjoy yourself.
Take it all in.
All right.
Just try to have some fun today.
I'll going to try to have a little fun.
You know something?
I don't think I've ever seen a good movie shot in a place like this.
I mean, there were those Willy movies,
but I don't think they shot them here anyway.
I never saw them.
I'm telling you, there's never been a great movie
in this kind of a location.
Doesn't this just lend itself to one of those big summer comedies?
It just feels like it, doesn't it?
It does to me.
I mean, imagine Jim Carrey working in a place like this.
That sounds funny already. Jim Carrey and all these fish. Right?
Oh, I just love Jim Carrey.
The Truman Show, I'm particularly proud of.
What?
(WHISPERING) I can't talk about it.
It just slipped out, you know.
You did The Truman Show?
(WHISPERING) I can't really talk about it. Just erase it from your mind.
Huh?
Well, I think you should put the Queen Mary in.
Because it's great production value and it's good luck.
Really? Well, the boat thing has been big.
Sarah? Sarah!
(EXCLAIMING)
Hey! Hi. It's so good to see you!
Hey. Hi, cutie. How are you?
Good.
It's so nice to see you.
Oh, nice to see you, too.
Oh, God. Thank you so much for The American President.
I just never...
Oh, no!
Really, I feel like I just never...
Come on. Yes.
No, you just... Oh.
Well, come on. Yeah. Thank you so much.
Well... Oh, you.
Bye.
Was that Rob Reiner?
Yeah. I'm just crazy about him.
How long have you known him?
Oh, that's confidential.
So, we're there for, like, 30 minutes, and it hits me.
This could be the biggest idea for a summer comedy
anybody's ever had!
I love it! What's the basic idea?
Well, it's not formulated yet, but here's what I'm thinking.
Say, Jim Carrey, okay?
He inherits this aquarium from, like, a rich uncle.
You know, at the... You open up the movie with a funeral scene,
and then they're reading the will,
and all of a sudden, he owns this aquarium.
(LAUGHING) And from day one, it's problems.
I mean, there's bill collectors and he hires bad people
and the tanks leak.
I mean, one thing after another. It's just, like, a mess.
Oh, this is wonderful. This was her idea?
No, it was my idea. It's all my idea.
You know, she doesn't write, she just inspires.
She sort of points you in the right direction.
I love this direction.
You know, I've been trying to figure out
how to write one of these summer comedies forever.
I think I've got it.
Jim Carrey would be hysterical.
Wouldn't he?
Jim Carrey was her idea?
My idea. It's all my idea. Me.
Well, you sure seem inspired, and that's all that matters.
Maybe it all will be worth it.
I hope so. It sure is costing us a lot of money.
Well, you gotta look at it like an investment.
That's what I've been doing. It really is an investment.
By the way, she wants to have lunch with you.
Why?
Well, just to know you. Make you feel better about this whole thing.
Just go meet her.
She's your Muse. I don't have anything to say to her.
I don't need to meet her.
Honey, what's the big deal? Let her buy you lunch.
What can it hurt?
What am I talking about? She doesn't buy anything.
I'll buy you two lunch.
(BOTH LAUGHING)
That is hilarious. You are so funny.
You think so? Who cuts your hair?
Is something wrong with it?
No, I love it.
Oh, this guy, Otto. He's works at Umberto's.
Oh, I've heard of that place.
Would you like me to call him?
That would be great.
So was your mother a Muse?
Yes, all of the women in my family.
How about your father?
An alcoholic.
Really? We have something in common.
Yours, too?
Yeah. It wasn't so bad when we were kids,
but it was really embarrassing when we got in high school.
Is he still living?
Yeah, they're still together. They live in Florida.
Well, that sounds nice.
They seem to like it. At least now they can drink together.
(LAUGHS)
Did you go to college?
UCLA.
What did you study?
I was pre-law. I got bored.
It's just that you have this quality.
And it makes me think that you could be great working with the public.
You know, it's so funny you should say that.
Why?
Because I always wanted to go into business.
But I don't know, it just never happened.
Well, what did you want to do?
The one thing I inherited from my mother is cooking.
She was the world's greatest cook. And I can do it, too.
I make these cookies...
I swear, they're the best cookies you've ever had.
Really? I love that. What kind?
Well, my favorite ones are the chocolate-oatmeal blend.
It's a wonderful kind of combination of tastes.
You see, you get the smoothness from the chocolate
and the crunchiness from the oatmeal.
And anyone who's ever tasted them, they never forget it.
So why aren't you Mrs. Fields?
Oh, I don't know. You know, I've been raising my family.
Anyway, it's too late now.
No, it is never too late.
That Famous Amos guy, he must have been 60 when he got started.
They're always looking for new people in the bakery business.
That's where that expression "flavor of the month" came from.
Oh, well, I guess I could think about it again.
Are you tired?
Excuse me. I'm sorry.
It's just that, you know, I don't sleep very well at the hotel.
Oh, well, I know it can't be the hotel.
I mean, Steven went all out for you.
You've got one of the best suites they have.
Oh, I'm not complaining about the suite.
It's just, you know, sometimes I get lonely.
So where were you before?
A guest house.
And you had to leave?
No, I elected to leave.
I never stay in one place too long.
Well, would you like to stay in another hotel?
No.
(CHUCKLES) A hotel's a hotel.
Well, forget about it.
Look, let's just talk about you and those cookies.
It sure would save us a lot of money.
Something tells me she shouldn't live in the house.
It's costing us $10,000 a week.
Well, first of all, you don't even know
that she wants to move out of the hotel.
She says she's not sleeping well.
Well, how can she? She's ordering too much.
When you're on the phone with room service 24 hours a day,
how can you sleep?
Whatever, I'm just trying to help.
Boy, you must have had some lunch that you want her to live with us.
I was just thinking of you.
How so?
Well, you're running all these errands...
Wouldn't it be a lot easier if she was close by?
At least then when you run to the store you can come right back home.
I don't think it's a good idea.
Anyway, there's no place for her to stay.
If you move your office back in here, she could stay out there.
The guest house is mine.
There's a reason I moved out of here.
There's no room for me in the house.
Fine. I'm just trying to help.
I'm not moving my office. Let her stay where she is.
I'm just beginning to work. Let's just leave it be.
But if she's not happy, her musing abilities might not be as good.
Boy, I can't believe you.
You went from her biggest skeptic to her biggest supporter.
I'm not her supporter. I'm just thinking of us.
It's not a good idea.
(PHONE RINGING)
(EXHALING) Hello.
I have a craving.
She can live here.
LAURA: Originally, when we moved in here, this room was a mess.
(GRUNTING)
They used it for storage. Do you like the walls?
SARAH: I really don't.
I don't know if you saw,
but I picked this sort of soft yellow. Then, in the other room...
Ooh!
STEVEN: This is a little heavier than I thought.
Ladies, we were going to do this together.
(CLATTERING)
It was going to be a project.
Ladies.
I'm not so sure about the yellow...
STEVEN: Why are you worried about yellow?
I'm not going to be able to have children anymore.
Where do you want this damn thing?
BOTH: There.
All right. I'm having a heart attack.
So I'm going to put it right here.
And when the paramedics come, they'll move it where you want it.
As long as we're here,
I think we should get you some cooking utensils.
If you're gonna be Mrs. Fields,
you're gonna need to have all the right equipment.
Oh, I was just talking. I don't really think I want to do that.
Of course you want to do that.
You wouldn't have said it if you didn't want to do it.
I need an eggbeater. Do you think that's too much money?
Oh, nothing's too much money.
Do you have a Cuisinart?
Oh, no. But I really don't need that.
Oh, well, obviously you're not going to be a real cook.
Real cooks have Cuisinarts.
All right, I need one.
(EXCLAIMS)
You have a lot to learn.
(SNORING)
(PHONE RINGING)
Hello.
The walls are too bright.
What is that, some sort of World War II code?
I don't like the color. I won't be able to sleep well.
We need to paint them something else.
Here we go again with the "we."
What would you like "we" to paint them?
Dark gray.
Aren't the curtains gray? Why don't you just look at the curtains?
I'll call a professional.
No, no, no, no. No, no. I'm on my way.
(BREATHING DEEPLY)
Well, honey, it's back to the hardware store.
What are you doing?
Cooking.
Looks like you're cooking for a city.
I am.
What does that mean?
I really think I'm going to try this.
Try what?
Why can't I be Mrs. Fields?
My stuff is just as good as hers. Maybe better.
Mrs. Fields? Honey, you don't want to be Mrs. Fields.
Where did this come from?
What's wrong with Mrs. Fields?
Well, first of all, you're Mrs. Phillips.
(SIGHING)
Also, isn't she divorced? Maybe there's a reason, you know.
I don't know.
Honey, I don't have room to even breathe in the den.
We have no more guest house.
I really don't think we should be running
a business out of our home.
We don't have the room, do we?
If this works out, I'll find a big kitchen somewhere.
Don't you worry about it. Just concentrate on your writing.
Oh, well, that's good advice.
If you need me, I'll be in the creative section of Home Base.
(SIGHING)
Hi. Did you get the paint?
You just told me 40 seconds ago.
I didn't have time to do the actual errand.
Oh. Well, I'd like to paint today.
The sooner I paint, the sooner I can sleep. Okay?
Okay. I have a question.
Was it your idea to get my wife into business?
It's never my idea. That's not how I work.
She wants to be this chef now.
You've got nothing to worry about. You should be excited.
She's going to make a fortune.
Well, I don't need her to make a fortune. I can support our family.
(CHUCKLING) Can you?
What does that mean?
Nothing. It's just that I don't really think
that this should be about who makes the money.
Let her blossom.
And you've got some writing to do.
How can I write? You want me to paint.
Oh! That reminds me. When you go to the hardware store, I need tacks.
I'm turning into something I don't want to be.
(SNIFFING)
(SIGHING)
Do you want me to be honest?
Yes, of course.
These are the best cookies I ever had.
Yes!
Ever. They simply melt in your mouth.
But are they good enough to sell?
You make Famous Amos look dead.
I think he is dead.
I'm finished.
Honey, don't walk on the floor!
I'm not an astronaut. I have to touch something.
That's not the color of paint you're gonna use, is it?
It looks lighter on my face than it does on the wall.
Why don't you run upstairs real quick, see if you can sleep?
Here, honey. Taste these.
Oh, my God. These are sensational.
People would buy them, right?
Well, sure, people would buy them.
But is that what you really want to do?
Why don't you just bake them for all of us?
Why don't you want her to sell them?
Whose Muse are you?
I'll be upstairs, looking at the wall.
Look, I just want to try this.
Sarah knows someone at this restaurant,
and we're just gonna take some over there and see what happens.
Restaurant? What restaurant?
Spago.
Spago? Spago's gonna take the cookies?
Well, Sarah knows Wolfgang.
Wolfgang? Oh, my.
I'm at the hardware store 20 minutes, and you're now calling him Wolfgang.
I'm sure nothing will come of this.
I'm sure everything will come of it.
Sweetheart,
there's something in my mind and I want to get it out.
And I want to say it in the correct way,
because I love you very much.
So how do I phrase this in a way that's delicate without overdoing it?
I just... I want to make sure that it's right.
I have no script! I have nothing!
I have a little bit of writing in the beginning,
and then the pages slowly go to white.
Then I have lots of white pages.
It's like little clouds on my desk.
Studios hate white! They don't pay for that.
Did you see The Shining? I'm jealous of him!
He at least had one good sentence! I don't have that!
Sure, he repeated it too much, but it was a good one.
"Steven runs an errand." I could do that. I could try that!
I have nothing!
And I'm just a little afraid that if she...
What? What? If she gives to me, it takes from you?
Well, I didn't say that exactly.
Well, that's what you're thinking.
I don't know how a Muse works. Do you?
Look at mythology. Why were there nine of them?
I think they all had a little, teeny task.
Each one had an assignment.
Maybe we're overloading her.
Maybe writing and cooking is not something she can do.
It's like an electric socket.
You know, it'll take a toaster and a lamp,
but then you plug in the dryer and the house goes dark!
And I think our house is starting to go dark.
She can help you with your writing. I can cook on my own.
No, no, no, no, no. I don't want to do that.
You use her. Go ahead. Use her.
I'm just saying that... Use her.
She's actually living with you?
STEVEN: She's not living with us.
She's just staying with us for a while. That's all.
Where?
She's in the guest house. It used to be my office.
Where are you?
I'm in the den.
Steven, you know, be careful. Don't get too close.
What does that mean?
Well, just keep your distance.
Never get too close to a Muse.
Well, you never told me this before.
Is there some list of Muse rules I need to know?
No, no, not really.
Let me ask you this.
(GRUNTING)
You think she can help too many people at once?
What?
She's starting to help out Laura.
And I'm just wondering, do you think that's okay?
Doesn't it maybe take from the idea of helping me?
What's she doing with Laura?
Laura wants to be Mrs. Fields.
She's going into the cookie business.
Oh, really?
And Sarah's helping her? Well, that's good for her.
Well, what about that? You think that's okay?
Don't you think that diminishes her capacity?
I wouldn't worry about it. You ready?
Yeah, I've been ready since 7:00.
Oh, by the way, I need to see her for about an hour later.
Is that okay?
No, it's really not okay.
I haven't had two minutes by myself with this woman.
I'm only going to take a little while.
I just have to run an idea past her.
Sure, come on over.
Bring your luggage, move in.
I can just rot outside. I don't care.
Oh, thanks, man. Yeah.
You're doing really good with the game here.
Give me the number of that teacher.
Is he alive?
You ready?
I'm going to go inside and take a piss. You keep playing.
Spectacular. It's unbelievable.
This is the cookie equivalent of my pizza.
Told you.
I'm so flattered. I think you're brilliant.
We'll start serving them at Spago.
Then I'll take it to Chinois.
If it works there, the sky is the limit.
I don't know how to thank you.
Wolf, you're a doll.
By the way, Sarah, I have a little something for you. Come with me.
(GIGGLES)
Thanks for all your help on Postrio. It's doing so wonderful.
How did he make the decision so quickly?
I thought it would take a long time.
Uh-uh. That's the way he operates.
When he came up with pizza, it took him about 30 seconds
to decide between goat cheese and mozzarella.
How do you know that?
Honey...
STEVEN: Honey?
Not now, baby, I'm baking.
I'm starving.
Have a cookie!
I'm not six. I'd like a meal.
Honey, take the kids, go to McDonald's, please.
I'm up to my ears in this.
JACK: Hey, buddy!
Hey.
What's he doing here?
Just raping her for her last remaining drops of inspiration.
Everything sold out by 9:00. 9:00! Isn't that amazing?
That is fantastic, honey.
So, now you did it. You've proved it.
Now we can go back to the way we were.
What, are you crazy?
Why should we go back? It's happening. I'm hiring two more people.
We don't have the room here for that.
I found a place. Where?
Sarah found me this wonderful old bakery on Venice.
It's absolutely perfect.
I can have it month to month. It even has stoves that work.
I'm supposed to be getting help with my writing.
I don't have a third act, and you're taking out a lease.
I'm not taking out a lease, it's month to month.
All right, stop being literal.
Hey, if this works out, you won't have to sell your script.
I can support us.
I just don't see you going back to the water anytime soon.
(WHISPERING) That's all I can say right now.
So, no sequel?
No.
I can't thank you enough, Sarah.
Well, you come see me anytime.
I will. Bye-bye.
I almost forgot.
Okay, I'll open it later.
You'll like it.
I bought it after the Titanic bonus.
It's not...
(CHUCKLES) God, no.
No water.
Stay out of the water.
Stay away from the water.
Don't go near the water.
(DOOR CLOSING)
Hey, can we talk for a second?
I'm late. We'll talk later.
Where are you going?
I don't ask you those questions, do I?
I haven't had a minute with you for days.
I need to write. You're so busy with everybody else.
What do you need?
Well, how about a third act?
I'd go back to the aquarium. That's what I think.
I have to go back there?
Then don't. Don't take my advice. See you.
(EXCLAIMING)
Listen, I'll go back there. It's all right.
It's just, what am I going to find?
Why don't you go, and then you can tell me.
STEVEN: Okay, but please answer this.
Should Jim Carrey sell the park?
See, I don't know whether to introduce a new character
at this stage in the script.
Like someone who would come in and buy it.
Do you understand what I'm asking?
What do you think? I'm confused.
(CAR ENGINE STARTING)
Did you say don't or do?
Sell it? No, sell it or not?
Don't?
Do?
You're going where?
STEVEN: It's called the Aquarium of the Pacific.
JACK ON PHONE: Why?
Well, I don't wanna say too much. It's sort of what I'm working on.
What, you're afraid I'll gonna steal it?
No. Yeah.
Oh, by the way, I need to come over tomorrow.
I need about half an hour.
Maybe you ought to start bringing some food with you.
I'll bring some food with me, if you want.
How long do you think she's going to be living with you?
Well, actually, I wanted to talk to you about that.
I figured once I got my script, I would ask her to leave.
Steven, be careful.
Be careful? Of what?
Well, just make sure you don't piss her off.
You don't wanna piss off a Muse.
If you get them angry, they could do the opposite of what they're supposed to do.
What's the opposite?
You might never think up another idea again.
Oh, my God, that can't be true. Is that true?
You don't even want to know.
Oh, no. No.
Hello. Hi. How many today?
One. Okay, that's $13.95.
So, what time does the next show go on?
Oh, the next show is canceled, sir.
Canceled? Why?
One of the sea lions is not feeling well.
You're kidding.
No. I'm sorry, sir.
The fish isn't feeling well, and he doesn't have to work?
Apparently not.
Gee, if I'm not feeling well, they make me show up.
I guess I'm in the wrong species, huh?
I guess you are, sir.
(LAUGHS) Thank you. WOMAN: Thank you.
How do you like that?
Who even knew fish got sick?
(SCOFFS) What do they do, stick a thermometer in their tush?
How do they even know?
Oh, my God.
That's it! That's it!
Sick fish!
(LAUGHING)
They don't do any tricks.
They're on stretchers, and they got slings on their fins.
And then they start dying.
Can you see it? He's got huge crowds.
They're all waiting for something, and he's got dead fish to show off.
This is wonderful! Isn't it?
Where do you come up with this stuff?
This is the funniest thing I've heard in years.
You're gonna have yourself a big hit, Steven.
So, listen, make the deal now, 'cause I really need the cash.
You can make a deal based on an idea, can't you?
You're so close to finishing. Just finish up the script. We'll get 10 times as much.
Don't you wanna strike while the iron is hot?
Finish the goddamn script. The iron will be on fire.
Hey, you know what might be funny?
They should open up a sushi bar at the park and they can eat the dead fish.
(CHUCKLING)
You negotiate, let me write.
It's just an idea. I throw 'em out.
If you don't like 'em, don't use 'em.
Does anybody ever use them?
No, not really. I didn't think so.
All right. I'll talk to you later.
By the way, congratulations. On what?
Those cookies your wife is making.
It's all over town. They're terrific.
The hit of Spago.
Oh, yeah. Thanks. I'll tell her.
Think about eating those dead fish.
Okay. No good.
Hello? May I help you?
What? Oh, my God.
Is Sarah here?
If she doesn't answer the door, I don't think she's there.
Damn it! Damn it!
Oh, God, I've been trying to get her. I can't get a hold of her.
I'm trying to work this thing out. I'm right in the middle of it.
By the way, your parking here is nonexistent.
It really is a problem. You should do something about it.
Well, give me six months, I'll put in a lot.
You know what time she's getting back? No, I don't.
Do you have a room around here where I can wait, like magazines or whatever?
It's my private home. I really don't have a waiting room.
Well, just tell her Marty was here, okay?
I got to get this thing figured out. I'm right in the middle of it.
I got to get it figured out. What are you working on?
Promise you won't tell anybody? Yeah.
I'm working on a remake of Raging Bull. Really?
Yeah, only this time, I'm doing it with a real thin guy.
Real thin. Can you see it? Can you see it?
Yeah, I see it. Not like normal thin, but really thin.
A real thin guy. Thin, but angry.
Angry? Angry.
Can you see it? Angry, too.
Thin and angry. Thin and angry. Thin, thin.
Thin and angry. Thin. Wow.
Yeah. Good idea.
Is there a Starbucks near here?
Oh, gee. I'd be careful if I were you. You might have had your quota.
Yeah, I guess I've had my... Quota!
That gives me an idea for something else entirely.
Thank you. We never had this conversation.
I don't know who you are. We never spoke.
By the way, the gift's in the mail. Tell her, okay?
Hey, I sent you a script two years ago!
Never got it.
You are doing a great job.
Thanks to you.
Ready to go to lunch?
Oh, I'm ready. Oh, good.
I'll be back.
I have a proposal for you.
I'm listening.
What if you went into business with me?
You're the one who inspired all this.
I could put you on the board. You could have a big part.
Oh, I can't get too involved. That's not what a Muse does.
I wish you would think about it. I really like having you around.
I have to be careful. I can't overstep my bounds.
I could anger the gods.
(WHISPERING) That could be dangerous.
Really? You could anger the gods?
(EXCLAIMS)
What could happen to you? Would they punish you?
Oh, you don't want to know.
You don't know what wrath is until you've seen Zeus get pissed.
(SIGHS)
Oh, my God, I keep forgetting your life is so incredible.
Did you ever meet Zeus?
Meet him?
He's my father.
Wow!
He was the one with the drinking problem?
Honey, all the gods drink.
Oh, you have been so nice to me, and so has Steven.
And I know you've gone out of your way to make me comfortable in your home,
but I have a problem.
I'm not sleeping well. I'm not comfortable in the guest house.
And you know how sensitive I am as to where I sleep.
You know, a Muse needs her sleep.
I need a calm, secure, restful place.
We'll fix it. What can we do? We'll take care of it.
Oh, I don't think there's anything you can do. It just...
It feels wrong.
Well, what if you were to move into the main house? How would you like that?
Well, do you think I'd be more comfortable on the couch?
You don't have to sleep on the couch.
Just give some time, I can figure this out. We don't want you to go.
I'll figure something out. Oh...
We gave her the damn guest house.
If she's not happy, let her move back to the hotel.
I'm not that happy, either, by the way.
Every time I come home here, it's like the Friars Club.
I don't know who I'm gonna see next.
We don't want her to move back to the hotel.
Now, listen, I have an idea. What if we gave her the bedroom?
Honey.
The guest house is barely big enough for one person, let alone two.
Where are we gonna sleep?
That's not exactly what I had in mind.
I don't even want to hear this.
She could bunk in here with me, you could sleep out there,
just for a while, till she gets comfortable.
She could bunk in here with you?
Did you join the Girl Scouts when I wasn't looking?
Since when have you used the word "bunk"?
Forget it. I'm just trying to help.
It's a bad idea. I don't want to give up the bedroom.
Forget it.
You're not attracted to her, are you?
You don't want to sleep with her?
(GASPS)
I am not gonna even dignify that with an answer.
Oh, come on, dignify it with a "no."
I'm just trying to make her happy.
The happier she is, the better muse she is.
Don't you want the best muse you can get?
I want the best muse I can get that does not live in the bed.
(PEOPLE CHATTERING)
This is my girl. I'm so proud of her.
Wolf, I think she should open stores. What do you think?
Yes, but not so fast. I don't want to lose her.
Don't worry, I'm not going anywhere. I owe you a lot.
You don't owe me anything. I owe you.
We make a fortune with you.
What kind of line of food are you in?
No, no, no. I keep telling you, I'm not in food.
I'm a writer, a screenwriter.
Ah, cream! Gelato.
My brother-in-law also, he makes tiramisu. It's very good.
No, no, no, no, no. Screenwriter, I write...
You write? You say, you write on the cream? You mean in a birthday cake?
Yes, that's it. That's good. That's what I do. I'm a birthday cake writer.
I write "Happy" and my partner writes "Birthday."
Ah, yes. Yes.
I don't know how to write the whole thing.
But no, I mean to say, what you really do in your real life?
No, I'm trying to say... About the 88th time I've told you,
but I'm happy to tell you again.
I'm a screenwriter. I write, you know, with a pen. Yeah, I write.
Ah, rider! You mean horse.
Yes, yes, you got it. I love horse.
I love it. I eat horse, also.
You eat a horse? Oh, yes.
No, I mean, the horsemeat, with asparagus.
It's delicious. I've not had that before.
What's the name of your horse?
"Confusion" is the name of my horse.
Ah, Chinese.
Yeah, it's a Chinese horse. That's right.
I'm only here because Wolfgang Puck, he's throwing a party for my wife.
A wolf in a park?
No, no, no. Him, Wolfgang Puck is the guy who owns this restaurant.
In the park? You work in the park? Yes.
I work in the park. I'm a ranger. I'm a park ranger.
Why can't we freeze these cookies?
That's what Sara Lee does, really.
I'll look into it. I haven't tried them yet. Are they that good?
Bruno, they're unbelievable.
So I'm curious, how long have you been in this country?
No, I was born here.
Oh, well, here's to the school system.
Oh, you have a sister in school? Yes, I do.
What does your sister teach?
My sister teaches horseback riding, actually. That's how I got the horse.
Everything combines. Everything comes together.
Combines... Right.
Wasn't it E.T. who said, "I'll see you at home"?
Okay, salute. Okay, God bless you.
(INDISTINCT CHATTERING)
Oh, Wolfgang, this is my husband.
Mr. Fields.
Yeah, Mr. Fields.
So, Laura tells me you're a writer.
That's right. I'm a writer.
He was nominated for an Academy Award.
Oh, wow.
Really? How come you never came to my Oscar party?
Well, nobody ever invited me.
All the nominees are there. Maybe you are not telling me the truth?
I'm telling the truth.
I think Mr. Fields is a big, fat liar.
(ALL LAUGHING)
I'm only doing this for one night only, that's it.
Then we have to think of something else.
You're a doll. We're only making her happy.
I'm sure your third act will come that much faster.
I don't know what was wrong with the guest house.
I was out there for years, it seemed fine to me.
Listen, I made a decision.
As soon as I'm through with my script,
I'm gonna ask her very gently to leave.
Are you sure that's okay? You know what Jack said.
Well, I don't care what Jack said. What can I do?
If she wants to take away my creativity, then she'll do it.
But I want my house back.
(SIGHS) This is like The Muse Who Came to Dinner.
Hi. Hey! How are you?
Um, do you have an extra drawer,
because I'd really like to unpack before I go to sleep.
You have all these very particular rules about sleeping. It's interesting.
Me, I would just leave the stuff in the suitcase.
Here, take this drawer.
Oh.
(HUMMING)
Sarah? Yeah?
After you get your wonderful night's sleep... Yeah.
Maybe in the morning you'll sit down with me. I would love to write.
Well, you know, it's not really my job to come up with ideas.
It's my job to inspire.
But I'm sleeping in the garage.
So maybe you could come up with at least one idea.
Okay. But just one.
You know how the whole California coast has a lot of oil running underneath it?
Yes, I do.
And in your script, you're building this big fish tank, right?
Right. They're constructing a huge one.
So you've got one of these big construction machines,
and it's digging and digging and digging, and bam!
It hits oil and everybody's a millionaire.
You mean like The Beverly Hillbillies?
Yeah.
That sounds hysterical!
So what you're saying is,
even though they've lost a huge amount of money on the park,
all of a sudden they're like these millionaires
for a reason we don't even know about.
Exactly.
If he's now this millionaire, he could give the park to charity.
He can free all the Willys!
There you go. You got your third act.
This is great! Okay. Honey, I'll see you in the morning.
Good night, honey.
I've got a place to go now!
So, what side of the bed do you want?
Oh, you're going to sleep in the bed, too?
Well, what was your idea?
No, that's okay, we can share the bed.
You want the whole bed?
Well, hey, it's your house, you know. Whatever you wanna do.
Oh, my God. You want the bed, take it.
Where will you sleep?
I'll sleep on the floor.
Oh, I couldn't let you do that.
Forget about it. I've always wanted to try the floor.
Okay. I'm gonna need a great, big pillow
and a pair of those fluffy, little pajamas, the fluffier, the better.
And do you have one of those things
that you go like that and it turns the lights out?
'Cause that's a little far for me. I'll wait here.
Sweet dreams.
I want you to try to get at least a B+ on your test,
or I'm gonna be very disappointed.
I will, Aunt Sarah. Okay.
Bye. Bye, honey.
Bye, Aunt Sarah. Love you.
Oh, I love you, too.
Bye, Dad. Bye, Dad.
Gee, one night out of the house, and there goes the good morning kiss.
When did they start calling you aunt?
The day I got here.
I didn't know that. Sorry I used the bedroom. I had to get dressed.
So, did you get any writing done last night?
What if I told you I finished?
I did. The Beverly Hillbillies stuff was fantastic.
Every idea worked. Every one.
Well, I told you not to worry.
Well...
(GROANS)
I feel a little guilty.
You look like you're in pain. Meanwhile, I slept like a dream.
Don't worry about it.
Well, if you'll excuse me, I'm going to go take a shower.
Do you know where the towels are?
As a matter of fact, I do.
Well, the hot water's a little slow to come on, but don't worry, it'll come.
We better fix that.
Yes, we better.
It's something we got to do now. We're going to fix it.
That's what we're all about.
Listen, honey, I know you weren't crazy about giving up the bedroom,
but look how things have worked out. You've got a brilliant script.
But I don't care.
No script is worth me not being able to share the marital bed.
We have to figure something out.
We'll think of something.
(DOORBELL RINGING)
Maybe it's Marty Scorsese again.
This time he's probably doing a remake of Taxi Driver with all women.
Good morning. May I help you?
Are you Steven Phillips? Yes.
My name is Dr. Jacobson. This is Nurse Rennert.
May we come in, please?
What is this in regard to?
Do you have a Sarah Little residing with you?
What do you mean by "residing"?
Does Sarah Little live here?
Well, she's staying with us, if that's what you're asking.
We need to talk to you. Is there somewhere we can sit down?
Sit in here.
What is it, honey?
These people here seem to know Sarah.
Uh, will you please sit down, ma'am?
There's something you two need to know.
Miss Little is not well.
Not well? What do you mean, "not well"?
She lives in a sanitarium outside Cincinnati.
Have you heard of the Breyerton Institute?
No.
That's where Sarah lives.
And every few years, she tends to run away.
She doesn't seem to appreciate her surroundings.
The Breyerton Institute?
She needs to be on medication. She's a multiple personality.
Without her drugs, she tends to act up.
This is a joke, right? You're joking.
This isn't a joke.
Whatever we do, we can't seem to keep her there.
The last time she left, she ran off to Paris.
She claimed to be Picasso's daughter.
(LAUGHING) Can you imagine? And people believed her.
Stupid people.
But the Muse part, though, is correct. Yes? She is a Muse.
A what?
Sarah claims to be a Muse. That's right, yes?
(SNICKERING) A Muse?
(BOTH LAUGHING)
There they go again.
Well, that's the best one yet.
I love that. Can you imagine?
First Picasso's daughter, then she's a Muse?
I'm assuming this laughing is a no?
You have to hand it to her, she's got quite an imagination.
Do you people have credentials?
(WHISPERING) Maybe they're not real doctors.
What kind of credentials would you expect us to have?
I don't carry my diploma with me.
But I mean, you certainly could have made a mistake.
I make mistakes every day. You made a mistake. It's that simple.
I've made no mistake, sir.
Mr. Phillips, this is Hollywood.
I wouldn't beat yourself up that you believed her.
People here believe anything, don't they?
Well, um...
If you don't mind, I need to speak with Sarah. Where is she?
Um, actually, she's not even here...
She's in the shower. No, no.
You're not gonna hurt her, are you?
No, no, no. We're gonna be very gentle.
But a multiple personality? That's impossible. We know her.
She has one personality.
It's a classic case.
(LAUGHING) A Muse! That is so funny.
God, wait till I tell the other doctors.
Go with him. He doesn't know where the shower is.
But the thing is, she has all of these brilliant ideas.
She fits the Muse profile perfectly.
I'm not going to argue with you, sir.
Nurse Rennert, would you please come up here immediately?
Oh, my God. Our best sheets.
That is so low on our problem scale right now.
Now what do we do?
I don't know. I don't think I have the energy to start looking again.
I don't know what to do.
(WHISPERING) Well, as long as we are out here,
maybe we should at least see that Universal tour.
We'll talk about this privately.
STEVEN: So, what do you do now? Go after her?
(SIGHS)
I guess. You have to understand, we have other patients, too.
There's just so much time we can give to these Sarah searches.
The institute isn't a prison. If she really wants to leave, what can we do?
Bye-bye.
See you later.
Oh, Nurse Rennert said something earlier that I thought was interesting.
Yeah?
Could you get us into the Universal tour?
(SCOFFS)
So, then who was she?
She was just a person.
She wasn't a Muse?
Apparently not, honey.
Although according to Hal, I'm going to sell my new script
faster than any one I've ever written.
And I'm going to open my first store.
Really? A cookie store?
Congratulations. Where's the store gonna be?
Sarah found me a place on Robertson.
It's a great location. I can move in next month.
Wow, you were using Sarah as a real estate agent, huh?
Gives a whole new meaning to multiple listings.
Can I work there, Mom?
Yes, honey.
Me, too? Yes, honey.
Me, too?
(ALL LAUGHING)
So, you think he liked it?
I heard him laughing and laughing when he was reading it.
I think he loves it.
Oh, that's great. I'm very proud of this.
(DOOR OPENING)
Hey, Steven, come on in. No calls.
Well, put the important ones through.
No, put them all through.
Have a seat.
All right. I'm not going to beat around the bush.
Your script is brilliant.
Well, thank you very much, Josh.
Coming from you, that's quite a compliment.
I'm very surprised at your agent, though.
Why?
Why do you have me read a script another studio's planning to film?
I'm sorry, I didn't hear you. What did you say?
Yeah, I just found out Universal's weeks away from shooting this.
Well, that's not a possibility, because I just wrote it.
So, how could that be?
Well, so did Rob Reiner.
Rob Reiner?
The Muse gave it to Rob Reiner?
The Muse?
(STAMMERING) We were at the...
He was at the aquarium with me. That's impossible.
I don't know what you're talking about.
I mean, it's not the same idea. It's not.
I mean, there's lots of movies that feel like the same, but they're not.
Remember Big? You know, the Tom Hanks.
Well, I mean, there were like nine of those,
but they were all different, so that's the case here.
Remember one guy got high, and the other was small.
And they all made money. And this one's gonna make money, too.
It's got to be different.
It's the same exact movie.
They even got Jim Carrey, just like you wanted.
She took Jim Carrey? She took my cast!
This is against the Writers Guild rules.
You're not allowed to do this. This isn't fair.
Nothing's fair, Steven. That's what life is.
Look, I have a great idea.
Let's get the scripts right now and read them out loud together.
We can order in and just read out loud.
And I'm sure they'll be different, you'll see.
We'll start with page one and we can both read.
And by page 10, we're gonna go off like a road.
You're scaring me. We're ending this meeting right now.
Why don't you take my advice and head into that new career?
Take a vacation. Do something.
It's very stressful to write, and obviously it's gotten to you.
You know, there's a reason writers don't live very long.
Yeah, people like you. Because you're the Devil!
Why don't you finally admit it? Say it. "I'm the Devil."
Say it. Fess up!
Okay. I want you out of my office right now.
I don't want to see you again. Get out!
I apologize about the devil thing, it was wrong to say.
But the point is, is that the Muse stole it from me!
That's what I'm telling you.
Oh, the Muse again. The Devil and the Muse.
Why don't you go write that? Sounds like a good buddy movie.
Why would Rob Reiner be at the aquarium? He's not gonna go to the aquarium.
He's got a lot to do. I didn't want to go either.
She says, "Let's go." And she said the same thing to him.
And there he was, and he waved.
And you know what I'm trying to tell you, don't you?
As a matter of fact, I do.
We're gonna need some help in here immediately.
It's my idea. The Muse took it. She stole it.
The Muse. The Muse.
The goddamn Muse.
I want that one, that one and that one.
And by the way, I didn't get a free sample.
I want my free sample!
I already gave you a free sample.
And if you ask me again, I'm gonna unscrew your head
and put it in a cookie machine.
Then you'll be part of a cookie and you can eat yourself!
Be nice to the customer.
"Customer"? Isn't the definition of a customer
at least somebody over 10?
I keep telling you, I want another sample.
That's it. One choke!
Don't touch him. We could get sued.
She'll take care of you.
If you need me, I'll be out back.
I'll be the one with the gun in my mouth.
Oh, Hal's on the phone. He says it's important.
What does he want, raisins instead of nuts?
Yes?
Are you sitting down?
No. You want me to pull up a bag of flour?
I got great news for you. Your life is about to change.
Paramount is going to make your movie.
What did you say?
Paramount is going to make your movie!
Now, get over there right away. They want to have a creative meeting.
They have a few problems,
but they're not worried about it. They know you can fix it.
Congratulations. I told you this was going to happen.
But what about the Rob Reiner picture?
Aren't they worried about that?
Not going. Universal pulled the plug.
What happened?
Who the hell cares? Just get over to Paramount.
It's your script they're interested in.
Oh, my God, Hal.
You don't know what's going on. This call came just in time.
Just get over there.
Hi, Anne. I'm back.
Congratulations. The buzz around here is wonderful.
Thanks. Well, I'll tell you, after the last meeting with Josh,
who would have ever thought we'd be working together again.
I certainly didn't.
Well, in fact, you're not. Josh was let go last week.
What?
He was caught stealing.
No.
All that stuff he liked to collect, it belonged to other people.
I knew something was wrong with this guy.
Don't worry about it. You'll love Christine. She's brilliant.
Everyone loves working with her.
Anne, dear, have you made a lunch reservation? You're Steven?
Oh, shit.
I just loved your script. Of course, it does have a few problems.
That aquarium thing doesn't really work.
But we'll fix that. Anne, we'll be back in about an hour.
Let's go have a nice, big lunch.
I'm not really hungry. Help!
By the way, I left my purse at home.
You have plenty of money on you.
Huh? Don't you?
Money? No more money!