I'll pay you $5 if you eat that.
- What? - The cheese you just dropped.
Eat it and earn yourself 5 smackeroos.
- No, thanks. - Ten.
- No. - Twenty?
Doug, we have the same bank account.
If I wanna get $20 from you, I'll go to the ATM.
I don't need to eat dirty cheese.
True, but I got a 20 right here.
You can have it right now. Buy yourself a new brassiere.
Awful tempting, but still a no.
Will you give me 20 if I eat it?
- No. - Ten?
- No. - Five?
- Doug... - That's a bargain.
You're not gonna find anybody to eat dirty cheese for under $5.
I don't care. I have no desire to pay or be paid to eat dirty cheese.
You take no joy in life, do you?
- You trying to see my combination? - No, I was just looking at the...
What is it? Ten, two, 38?
You were looking. And by the way, you're wrong.
Ten, three, 35?
- Nope. - Come on, give it up.
I thought we were friends.
Okay, fine, it's seven, eight, 53.
Don't insult my intelligence.
- Come on, you ready? - Just one second.
- I wanna talk to Roger first. - Why?
I wanna see if I can switch vacation time so mine matches with Carrie's.
Hey, hey, hey, Roger.
You happen to have a chance to talk to your wife about the vacation thing?
Oh, yeah. You can have the time.
My wife and I are actually splitting up.
Oh, man, that's rough.
That's really... So that's the 8th to the 22nd, right?
Yeah.
Yeah, anyway, sorry to hear about that.
That's brutal stuff, you know? Stay strong.
How long before I can start celebrating?
And he's around the corner.
- Where you taking your vacation? - We haven't decided yet.
All I know is we're going on vacation,
because Roger's wife say, "Bye-bye, loser!"
Not you. Different Roger.
Great RV.
Thanks. It's a Road bird Freedom 5000.
Where you headed?
The wife and I just drove down from Seattle.
Don't know where we're going next, but it doesn't really matter
when you're driving one of these puppies.
Hey, honey, fry me up some Steak-umms, will you?
You ever been in one of these?
Best vacation of my life.
Doug. Come on, it's the Grand Canyon.
The sun's about to set. You're gonna miss it.
Coming.
Yes.
- Hello, sweetheart. - Hey, Dad.
"Planning a Trip to Paris."
What are you, planning a trip to Paris?
You nailed it.
Doug and I are going on vacation
and I found these really cheap flights on the Internet.
Paris.
Last time I was there was when we liberated it
from the Nazis back in '44.
Freedom rang again in the City of Lights.
I also got the clap, but that's a story for another time.
Anyway, as far as this trip is concerned, thank you
but I'm going to have to respectfully decline.
Don't be offended, I'd love to come with you.
It's just I have a problem on long flights.
I tend to panic and sob like a woman.
Okay. Well, if you can't come, you can't come, Dad.
- Send me a postcard. - Okay.
- Close your eyes. - What?
- Close this part of your face now. - Okay.
- What is it? What's going on? - Just come with me.
Okay. All right, Doug.
Don't try to feel me up like you did last time.
Relax, okay? I just picked up a little something on my way home.
- Okay. - Okay.
Here we go.
Okay, open them up and step into the world of the Road bird Freedom 5000.
Do you like being a slave to the clock,
feeling compelled to follow a certain schedule,
or are you independent-minded?
When you see RVs on the road,
do you wonder where they're going, where they've been
and envy the driver's freedom?
Yes, yes, and oh, yeah.
Doug.
Don't think we're going in an RV for our vacation.
- Why not? - Because we are going to Paris.
I found these really cheap flights on the Internet.
No, no, no. RV, out West, I got the video.
Okay, maybe you didn't hear me but I said Paris.
You know, as in Paris.
The most romantic frigging city in the world.
Okay. It's beautiful, it's old...
Oh, okay. I guess the Grand Canyon isn't old.
- Yeah, they just put that in. - All right.
Doug. Just come here.
Let me show you the stuff I printed.
Now, we don't have to stay in Paris.
We could just be based there, you know,
and just travel around to like the wine country, the Loire Valley.
I'm sorry, the what valley?
Loire.
Okay, we're going back to the tape.
No, come on, I don't wanna see the tape again.
I don't think you understand how great this is.
Look what this man is doing. He's driving around in his living room.
And his wife is making him chilli. Where?
In the living room.
Okay, Doug, listen to me, sweetie.
You're a good fella. I love being married to you, I do.
Now, that being said, RV, N-O.
- Okay, okay. I see, I see. - You see what?
You obviously like being a slave to the clock.
You feel compelled to follow a certain schedule,
whereas I am independent-minded.
Don't quote from the video.
I'm not, I just thought of that.
I'm not giving in on this one, Carrie. Okay?
I'm not. You got your way on all our other vacations.
When? When did I get my way?
Two years ago when we went to Florida?
Yeah, and we spent the entire time at the Mets spring-training camp.
Excuse me, that was research for my gambling.
Oh, please.
Okay, fine, fine. What about when we went to Apple Country?
- That was a weekend. - Of pure apple hell.
All right, Doug, please? Let's not fight about this, okay?
- All right, you're right. - Okay.
I mean, this is our vacation. We're supposed to be having fun.
Have fun, yes.
Let's just sleep on it. We'll figure something out.
- Figure something out? - I'm screwed, right?
Doesn't look good.
I don't wanna go to Paris.
Can't I just run at her, tape her mouth shut,
throw her in the RV and drive off?
It's not against the law if you're married.
It might be, yeah.
- Hey, you try the guilt thing. - What do you mean?
You know, you say,
"Hey, let's go where you wanna go. I want you to be happy."
She thinks you're so sweet, she'll do what you want instead.
I'll try it, man, I got nothing else. Paris.
I'm from Paris, look at me.
- What accent was that? - I don't know.
- Hey. - Hey.
Look, about the vacation,
I thought about it and I realised you work hard
and I know this time is important to you,
- so if you wanna go to Paris... - Oh, my God.
- This is gonna be so great. - No, no, Paris, no.
Why did you just say we can go?
That's nothing you need to know about.
The important thing is, we need to make a decision here.
How do you wanna decide?
I don't know. But we have to decide soon
or we'll never be able to get plane reservations.
- Or? - Or get bug spray or whatever.
It's obvious neither of us is gonna budge,
so how about this, how about we flip a coin?
Flip a coin? You wanna decide our vacation by flipping a coin?
If it's good enough for the Super Bowl, it's good enough for the Heffernans.
Okay, fine, fine. Flip a coin.
Here you go.
You wanna flip a penny? What the hell is wrong with you?
What? It has two sides.
You are such a girl.
We're gonna flip a quarter.
And for future reference, this is your smallest flippable coin.
- Okay, flip it. - Okay, here we go.
So let's say, heads, Paris? Tails, RV?
- Okay, okay. - All right.
All right, here we go. Tails never fails.
Oh, all right.
Well, the important thing is we'll have a great vacation together.
Speaking English.
But I will gladly make you French toast every morning because I won.
Touché. Non Paris, Carrie.
Oh, God.
Climb aboard.
What is this doing here now?
The guy let me take it home overnight for a test drive.
Okay. It has a lot of horn sounds, we get it.
Yup, she's got 28 of them.
- She? - That's right, she.
Okay. Unless she has boobies and a uterus, that has to stop.
Come on, let me give you the tour.
All right, then. You got your driver's cockpit right here.
That's right, I said cockpit.
With a powerful Triton V-10 engine humming underneath.
Over here, you got your galley slide-out with genuine-leather seating surfaces.
Oh, and this is great.
Built-in 25-inch television. Think of the beauty of it, Carrie.
If we're not getting great reception, we just drive to wherever it's better.
And look here, see this table? Folds into an extra bed.
See how that works?
Bed. Table.
Yeah, it's two things, I get it. Okay, can I ask you a question?
Breaker one-nine, lady's got a question. Ten-four.
- Where do you go to the bathroom? - I'm glad you asked, little missy.
You got your private restroom quarters right over here,
conveniently located right off of the master bedroom.
See? You got all your privacy.
Nobody knows your business.
I actually can hear you better now.
All right, what happens if we use the bathroom and we're out on the road?
Where does everything go?
Well, you ride around with it for a few days
until you find a place to drain it.
Oh, my God.
You know what would be nice? If you were remotely on board with this.
How can I be on board with this, Doug?
- It's horrible. - Hey, I won the flip, all right?
I didn't force you to flip a coin. You agreed.
Yeah, but you forced me to flip a quarter, okay?
I had a good feeling about that penny.
All I know is if you'd have won the flip,
I'd be going to Paris with a beret and a smile.
Oh, yeah, right, I can just imagine what a joy you would have been
when we were standing in the Louvre
looking at 19th century impressionist art.
Well, we'll never know that now, will we?
Now, this is gonna be fun. You know why?
Because that's a table bed and that's pretty neat. Yeah.
An RV? What are you gonna do?
I don't know.
Maybe I could drop something on Doug's foot
so he can't drive for two weeks.
Don't hurt him too bad. He drives for a living.
Oh, they'll find him something.
Where do you even go to the bathroom in one of these things?
Into a pail which is behind a piece of cardboard.
You gotta keep this from happening.
I know. I wish there was some way I can get Doug off of this.
- Darling. - Hey, Dad.
- Oh, hello, Kelly. - Hello.
- You're looking gorgeous as usual. - Thank you, Mr. Spooner.
Oh, what a thing we could have going if it wasn't for society's taboos.
Those damn taboos.
"RV Rental Agreement."
What are you, agreeing to rent an RV?
Yeah, we're doing that instead of the Paris trip.
No kidding?
Nothing I love more than cruising the open road.
You think Douglas would mind if I tagged along?
Actually, he did say something about a table turning into a bed.
Oh, this is gonna be a sweet road-mix tape.
Are you sure you don't wanna take this?
"Spence Olchin's Prom Party-Through-the-Night" mix?
I'm pretty sure.
"Sunglasses at Night."
"Too Shy" by KajaGooGoo.
Oh, I guess you can't drive to those. This is a great tape.
Yeah, it worked great for you on prom night, didn't it?
It's still a great tape.
No, I'm fine with what I got.
I'm gonna be rocking my way across the U.S.A.
Bet you didn't know I played the mouth organ, did you, Douglas?
Okay, first of all, please don't call it that.
And second of all, why are you playing it?
Because I'm coming on the road with you, you silly son of a bitch.
If you're willing to learn to play the spoons, we can jam all night.
What do you mean, you're coming on the road with us?
In the RV.
That was quite generous of you kids. I know they can be cramped quarters.
That's why I'm only gonna pack this outfit
and a pair of silk underwear I'll wash out at night.
Will you excuse me? I have to...
Carrie!
What did you do? What did you do?
- What? - You invited your father.
You're trying to ruin this vacation out of spite, aren't you?
No, no, no.
He overheard me talking and he thought I was inviting him.
And then he got so excited, I just didn't wanna say no.
I don't want your father in my Road bird.
Why not? We got that great table-bed, right?
Yes, we do, but I don't wanna eat breakfast on a table
that recently held your father's ass.
That's ass breakfast.
Well, Doug, you know, we do have another option.
I mean, my father doesn't like to fly,
so we could go to, oh, I don't know, Paris?
Well, this is a side of you I've never seen.
- What do you mean? - What do I mean?
You think if you invite your father on the RV, I'll back out,
then go to Paris like you wanted in the first place.
No, no, no.
I just thought it would be nice to have my father with us.
Oh, the lies.
Know what? That's it. You know what you bought?
A trip with your father, because I'm not backing down.
- That's fine. - Fine, sunshine sister.
Because that's the deal, and as long as we're inviting people on vacation,
watch this little ditty.
Spence?
Oh, yeah, it's gonna happen.
That's fine, that's fine.
I like Spence.
- You all packed? - Yup, you?
- Yup. - Great.
- Excited? - Oh, yeah, excited.
- I don't have it. - Move faster.
- It's heavy. - Dad, what the hell is that?
I bought a canoe. I figured, why rent?
It'll pay for itself after 50 uses.
We don't have room for a canoe, Arthur.
- I told you. - Shut up.
If you hadn't been so whiny, we could have snuck it by them.
Okay, back down.
Man, what the hell did we do?
We destroyed our vacation, that's what.
You know, now that my father and Spence are coming,
the thought of you and me alone in an RV
sounds like a little slice of heaven.
What if we bolt right now?
We'll drive through the night. They'll never find us.
No, they'll hear the engine starting. They'll run after us like dogs.
No, we just gotta bite the bullet and get this stupid vacation over with.
No. No, that is not acceptable, okay?
We got the Road bird Freedom 5000 sitting right outside, okay?
I cannot... I will not let that dream go.
Spence, Arthur.
Oh, my God.
Let me handle this, son.
Do you mean to tell me we were never wanted on this trip?
That we were just pawns in some twisted little game of marital chicken?
Dad, it's not like we don't enjoy spending time with the both of you.
- Here. - Yes, love you both.
Here.
This is an outrage.
This young man cleared two weeks out of his schedule, as did I.
And this is a very busy time for me.
Look, Dad, we are very, very sorry, but it is our vacation.
Well, it is our vacation too.
We have just as much right to that gorgeous motor home as you do.
It would seem that we are at an impasse.
All right, so how do you wanna settle this?
Well, I guess sometimes tails does fail.
Hey, Clem.
Check out that old man and that funny-looking boy by the camper.
The boy's got an awful pretty mouth.