I can't get this stupid ketchup packet open.
Just tear on the little dotted line.
The dotted line means nothing.
It's like the "door close" button on an elevator,
it's all show.
Here. Give it to me.
There you go.
Thanks. I need about 12 more.
Well, he's right.
There's not a lot of ketchup in one of these bad boys.
Thank you.
They should be bigger. Like the size of a pillow.
Yeah. Or like a mattress.
How cool would that be, like sleeping on ketchup?
Ok, can we talk about something other than ketchup?
We're paying a sitter $7 an hour.
Oh, my God. Hey, you guys.
Hey!
Guy and Lisa! Hi!
Look at this little park side apartments reunion.
What's up, man?
Oh, nada much. Nada much.
I miss you. I haven't seen you in forever.
I know.
I totally understand. I know how busy you guys are.
You two are so hard to get a hold of.
Actually, I do owe you a call. Yes, you're good.
Well, I am really happy that we ran into you, 'cause guess what?
We're finally getting married!
Oh, my God! Whoa! What the... together!
Good work, man.
Yup. I, uh, rented a hot air balloon
and popped the question 1,000 feet over New Jersey.
Oh, I'm glad she said yes,
'cause that would have been an awkward float down.
Oh, oh, please, please, please tell me
you're available the 3rd next month,
because you are all so important to me,
and I really, really wanna have you there.
Of course we'll be there. We'll be there with bells on. We wouldn't miss it.
Oh, us, too. We're... we're there.
Oh, yay! I'm so happy you're gonna make it.
I mean, Doug and Carrie, I know how busy you guys are.
We will see you there?
Ok. Yeah.
All righty. Bye.
Wow. They're finally doing it. That's great.
I know. It is great.
Yep. It's pretty great. Mmm.
Is it me, or has she gotten more annoying?
Definitely kicked it up a notch.
Come on, you guys, stop it. She's fine.
The wedding will be fun. It's one afternoon of your life,
so quit your bitchin'. Who's bitchin'?
As long as there's a guy with a big hat carving roast beef,
I'm one jolly s.O.B.
How do? Hey.
Hon, I can't figure out what to make.
How do you feel about eggs for dinner?
It's unconventional, but I'll allow it.
Oh, Douglas. Just the man I was hoping to find.
Hey, Arthur-it is.
I'll say a phrase, and I want your instant reaction.
Don't think. Just speak.
Half-price footwear. Go.
Pass. Next question.
Style-rite shoes is having a father and son shoe sale.
Father buys a pair, son gets a pair for free.
If we go in together, we get 2 for 1, and we split the cost.
All I need is for you to pretend you are my son.
Right, right.
No.
You do understand we are talking about half-price footwear?
Yes, I do understand that.
I also understand that you had some kind of sausage for lunch.
Sorry, not interested.
Fine, you have just wise-guyed your way
out of a very sweet deal, friend.
You picked yourself a real loser, darling.
Look at this. We got Lisa and guy's wedding invitation.
Oh, really? Open it. Open it.
Yeah? Yeah.
Ok, he could have done without the confetti.
Read it.
All right. Blah, blah,
Just the usual stuff, really.
Hey, fun fact. Guy's mother's name is midge.
Midge.
So where's the wedding? At Leonard's?
Uh, that would be in chapter 2.
Um, the dellecave manor...
Oh, sweet God.
What? It's in Maryland.
What?
Gaithersburg, Maryland. We gotta go to Maryland.
Let me see that.
What? You don't think I can read?
That's like a 5 hour drive.
This is an all-weekend, stay-overnight thing.
She tricked us.
We're not going. You know, they're friends, yes,
but they're not drive-to-Maryland friends.
Doug, we have to go.
If we don't, we're not gonna be friends with them at all.
Great. Where do I sign?
Doug, I said we were free. You heard me,
and I said we'd be there with bells on.
But that was before you remembered
that my Uncle shmelman was coming to visit that weekend
and could possibly be dying, if necessary.
No, we can't make up an excuse.
Why not?
Do you remember our wedding?
They were in Munich, and they flew back early so they could be there.
Do you know where Munich is?
I'll tell you one thing, it's a lot closer than Maryland.
Doug, if we don't go, I will never hear the end of it.
You know how Lisa is.
I miss returning one of her phone calls,
and she's, "oh, you're so busy",
you're so hard to get a hold of."
Could you imagine if we skipped their wedding?
"Oh, so sorry we missed you at the wedding.
"Good thing we flew in from Munich for yours,
or we'd never see you."
We're going. Deal with it, hon.
Well, if we go, I'm punching midge.
I don't know about this, Arthur. I mean, pretending to be your son,
that's... that's kind of like lying.
Oh, you don't like lying, but you sure jumped for joy
when I mentioned half-price shoes, didn't you?
Now, shut your pie-hole and start calling me daddy.
Hey, there. Can I help you?
Uh, yes. I'd like to see these in a 9 and a half.
What would you like, son?
Clarks wallabees, size 7.
That's my boy.
Hey, uh, you and your son sit tight, and I'll go grab 'em.
He bought it! What a rush!
Just out of curiosity,
what's the story with your real father?
He walked out on me and my mom when I was 2.
Then, uh, this little charade must be very painful for you.
Yeah. Actually, uh... Shut up. He's coming.
Found 'em both.
Oh, terrific.
You know, it's funny. I remember
the very first pair of big-boy shoes I bought for this kid.
You know what he said?
"My toes got their own house now."
So, uh, how do those fit?
Wonderfully.
They remind me of my first g.I. Government issue.
You served in w.W. Ii?
Army. 71st infantry.
You're kidding. The 29th.
I mean, we were the guys that went in first.
I mean, cleared the way for you.
Cleared the way? It was no picnic for us, you know.
Yeah, but we took a hell of a lot more casualties.
Well, sure, but you understand how difficult it was for us,
tripping over all your bodies?
Hey, dad? We're out of the rock port loafers.
I'll call in an order, ok?
Thanks, Scotty.
That's my son.
Good lookin' boy.
Straighten up.
Hey, I got an idea. What do you say we go out for dinner and drinks?
We bring our boys, we tell them how the war really was,
how my unit saved your ass...
You mean how we saved yours,
but, uh, we'll pick this up at Tony Roma's.
Uh, actually, dad,
I'm kind of busy with things right now. I don't have time.
Well, you sure find time to shoe shop.
You can't sit with these good people for an hour and have dinner?
Now, take those off and go wait for me in the car.
And that's the cheapest room rate you have?
You do realize you're in a town in Maryland
no one outside of the state has ever heard of?
Tell them we're triple a members. Tell them.
Yeah. Just for one night.
Tell them. Sometimes they give you a discount.
All right. Well, thank you. Bye-bye.
Why are we a member of an auto club if you won't bring it up?
I did, before you came in.
$189 is the best rate they can give us.
Can't we just Mark "no" on this r.S.V.P. Card?
It would be so simple. 2 little letters. "N"...
We can't. We're in too deep now.
Lisa called me last night, and I actually said again
we'd be there with bells on.
Again with the... What is your obsession with bells?
They flew in from Munich!
Oh, come on.
And you know what the worst thing is?
We go down there, we give up our entire weekend,
we eat terrible catered food, and they have, like, 300 guests coming,
we'll see them for maybe 10 seconds.
Somehow, I always end up in the middle of a cluster of cousins
during the Y.M.C.A. Dance.
Well, that's just because you do it so well.
I know.
I mean, remember tedi and David's wedding?
We never saw them. They would have never known we were even there.
Oh. I just... I just had a thought.
What?
300 guests. We'll... we'll never even see them.
We should just not go and say we went.
What? We can't do that.
I'm not sure we can't.
But it... Isn't it illegal?
No. Not at all.
You just said we'll see them for 10 seconds, maybe.
Who's to say we weren't there? We could do this.
Do we dare? Yes!
And then, a week from now, we call and say we had a good time,
and how great she looked,
and that we're sorry we couldn't spend more time with them.
Mr. Heffernan, you just might be on to something.
So, you in?
I don't know. I'm scared.
Yes, yes. Ok. There you go!
This is one of the greatest ideas I ever had,
and I thought of double stuff oreos way before it was realized.
Ok.
R.S.V.P., yes.
And we will have the chicken.
Wait. What... what's the other choice?
Steak. You know what?
Mark me down for that.
We're not going. What's the difference?
Such a red flag. They look at it and go,
"what? Doug's not having the steak?
"What the heck's going on here?
Are they pretending to come?"
Ok. I don't think they'd jump to that,
but all right, steak it is. You know what? I will go for the steak, too.
All right. Ok.
We're doing this.
Ok, I'm doing it.
This is living. I did it. Ok.
And we are officially saying
we are going to a wedding and not going.
Make love to me.
The place cards.
Doug. Wake up. I just thought of something.
What? The wedding.
If we don't show up,
Lisa and guy will see that our place cards weren't picked up.
They'll know we weren't there.
So that's all we really need you to do.
Just pick up our place cards,
and push the food around our plates so it looks like we ate.
Yeah, basically, just keep us alive.
And as a bonus,
if... if you actually want anything from our plates,
like, if you want a 2nd steak
or some more potatoes, go to town.
Is that all?
You know what? Actually, at some point during the night,
I want you to go to the bar, pick up 2 drinks, then walk by guy and go,
"what's up, man? Where's Doug? I got his drink? Hey."
Do you understand that we don't want to go to Maryland, either?
Hey. L-let's jump on their plan.
I mean, we could just pretend to go, too.
Oh. No, no, no. You can't. No way. No way.
There's no way 4 people can fake be there. No.
No. It's way too obvious. Besides, I thought of it first.
What do you mean, you thought of it first?
You didn't invent the idea of pretending to be somewhere when you're not really there.
Yes, I did.
Well, too bad. If we have to go, we're not gonna help.
Please, Kel? Please? I'm begging you, help us out here.
Oh, all right.
What?
We're going anyway.
Thank you. Thank you so much.
One other thing, if you wouldn't mind giving them this,
we'd really appreciate it.
Thanks so much. Really.
Hey, this is Doug.
And this is Carrie.
We can't come to the phone right now 'cause we're in Maryland.
We're back on Sunday,
but you know what to do. Do it after the beep.
Good, 'cause we're in Maryland.
I think they got the point. Yeah.
How sweet is this? Yeah.
We would have been driving for 5 hours,
and instead, I'm parking my heiny on the living room couch.
It's pretty sweet, isn't it?
We got the whole weekend ahead of us.
Oh, yeah.
Relaxation.
Who's that?
I... I don't know.
Hi. Hey.
Guess what?
My kid has a 103 fever.
What? Yeah.
So it turns out Kelly and I can't go to the wedding.
I just called Lisa and guy in Maryland and canceled.
They were disappointed, but they totally understood.
Who's gonna keep us alive?
Mmm. Not sure, so, um,
let me give you this back,
and since I guess you'll have to go, if you wouldn't mind, uh,
drop off Kelly and my gift, would ya?
But we had an arrangement.
Very sick kid. Sorry. I actually should get back to him.
We're supposed to bathe him in cold water,
so, see ya!
So that's all we were wondering.
If you could just make it look like we were there.
You know, pick up our place cards,
dump some food off our plates.
Yeah, and, uh, if you could just, uh, you know,
give them this here.
Oh, and, uh,
just this right there. That's be great. Thanks. Yeah.
So you want us to lie to Lisa and guy
and make it look like you're there?
Yeah. So, what do you think?
To be honest, I think that's awful.
I'd be very uncomfortable doing that.
I was gonna say the same thing.
Fair enough. Fair enough.
So what else is goin' on?
So, Scotty runs the store with me,
and at night, he takes classes at St. John's,
getting his business degree.
Yeah, when I'm done, we're gonna see
if we can turn our place into a chain.
Maybe open up some franchises around long island.
Quite a boy, huh?
Yeah. Quite a boy.
So, Spence, what do you do?
He owns the subway.
I work in the subway. I... I sell tokens, maps,
the occasional metrocard.
Would it kill you to go to school at night?
I don't want to go to school.
Yeah? Well, there's a new thing out called "ambition."
Get some.
Fruit of my loins. Emphasis on fruit.
Hey, leave me alone, will you?
I'll leave you alone
when you take a little responsibility for your life! Be a man!
Shut up! Just shut up!
The mouth he gets from his mother.
Hey! Leave my mother out of this.
Uh, I think I'll go check on our table.
Actually, uh, I'll go with you, dad.
Yeah, uh, look, I think I'm gonna get going.
What are you talking about? We're gonna have a delicious dinner.
Yeah, well, I'm just not very hungry. Goodbye.
Yeah. Go ahead. Run away.
But there are a million boys like Scott out there,
and you can't run away from them!
What the hell is going on?
Why are you being so mean to me?
Have I said one thing that isn't true?
Look at yourself. You're 34 years old, and you've gone nowhere!
You work underground like a ferret!
Yeah, ok, you know what? Fine. You're right.
But just once during this entire time
that you've been pretending to be my father,
would it have killed you, just once, to say, uh,
"you're... you're a good boy, Spence"
or "I'm proud of you, Spence."
"I love you, Spence." Would that have killed you?
Oh, God, what have I done?
It's gonna be ok, boy.
No! You can't say I called you with this.
Who's that?
The band leader for the wedding.
Ok. What I'm asking you to say
is "Doug and Carrie just requested this song."
No! Honey, you have to say that I just did it.
Ok. You know what? Never mind. You... ok, thank you. Bye.
Uh, no help, this guy over here.
Jeez. What is up with people?
Well, the wedding's in 2 hours.
I'd say we're pretty much screwed.
Yeah. It's, uh, it's over.
You know what I wonder?
What's that moment gonna be when they finally realize we didn't show up?
How's it gonna come out?
Will the gay couple tell them?
The band leader? Our accountant?
Here's how it's gonna happen,
guy and Lisa are gonna come to our table
to thank us for sharing their special day,
and all they're gonna find are 2 uneaten steaks
and a dirty little secret.
How we doing on time?
We're still 3 hours away.
Damn! Well, drive faster.
Maybe we can make it there before they bring out the Friggin' cake.
Oh, bear left. We need the 95 South.
Ok.
Hand me the snapple bottle. I gotta pee.
There they are! Hurry up! I can see them! They're leaving!
I can't run in these heels! Why are you wearing heels?
It's a wedding.
Lisa! Guy! We're here!
Hey! Doug here! The steak was delicious!
We're here! We're here!
We're here!
Excuse me! Excuse me!
Whoo! Hey!
Oh, they're gone. We missed 'em.
They probably couldn't see us through all the frickin' bubbles.
Ok. There's no way we drove all the way to Maryland
and we're not getting credit for it.
Come on, come on. Here, take 'em.
I... I'm sorry. This is groom's family only.
That's right. I'm, uh, I'm his, uh, step-nephew.
All right. Hey.
Groom's family only, please.
All right, all right. Fine. Sorry. Sorry.
Excuse me. Sorry.
Ok, everybody say "wedded bliss."
Wedded bliss.
Groom's family only.