1 00:01:16,796 --> 00:01:20,199 I can't get this stupid ketchup packet open. 2 00:01:20,266 --> 00:01:22,301 Just tear on the little dotted line. 3 00:01:22,368 --> 00:01:23,702 The dotted line means nothing. 4 00:01:23,769 --> 00:01:26,939 It's like the "door close" button on an elevator, 5 00:01:27,006 --> 00:01:28,073 it's all show. 6 00:01:28,141 --> 00:01:29,942 Here. Give it to me. 7 00:01:31,945 --> 00:01:33,245 There you go. 8 00:01:33,313 --> 00:01:35,380 Thanks. I need about 12 more. 9 00:01:37,250 --> 00:01:38,817 Well, he's right. 10 00:01:38,885 --> 00:01:40,495 There's not a lot of ketchup in one of these bad boys. 11 00:01:40,519 --> 00:01:41,720 Thank you. 12 00:01:41,787 --> 00:01:44,756 They should be bigger. Like the size of a pillow. 13 00:01:46,592 --> 00:01:47,860 Yeah. Or like a mattress. 14 00:01:47,927 --> 00:01:50,195 How cool would that be, like sleeping on ketchup? 15 00:01:52,098 --> 00:01:54,466 Ok, can we talk about something other than ketchup? 16 00:01:54,533 --> 00:01:56,534 We're paying a sitter $7 an hour. 17 00:01:56,602 --> 00:01:58,370 Oh, my God. Hey, you guys. 18 00:01:58,437 --> 00:02:00,305 Hey! 19 00:02:00,373 --> 00:02:02,207 Guy and Lisa! Hi! 20 00:02:02,275 --> 00:02:05,477 Look at this little park side apartments reunion. 21 00:02:05,544 --> 00:02:06,711 What's up, man? 22 00:02:06,779 --> 00:02:10,249 Oh, nada much. Nada much. 23 00:02:10,316 --> 00:02:12,184 I miss you. I haven't seen you in forever. 24 00:02:12,252 --> 00:02:13,518 I know. 25 00:02:13,586 --> 00:02:16,088 I totally understand. I know how busy you guys are. 26 00:02:16,155 --> 00:02:19,124 You two are so hard to get a hold of. 27 00:02:19,192 --> 00:02:22,727 Actually, I do owe you a call. Yes, you're good. 28 00:02:22,795 --> 00:02:26,098 Well, I am really happy that we ran into you, 'cause guess what? 29 00:02:26,165 --> 00:02:27,599 We're finally getting married! 30 00:02:27,666 --> 00:02:29,467 Oh, my God! Whoa! What the... together! 31 00:02:29,535 --> 00:02:31,003 Good work, man. 32 00:02:31,070 --> 00:02:33,638 Yup. I, uh, rented a hot air balloon 33 00:02:33,706 --> 00:02:37,009 and popped the question 1,000 feet over New Jersey. 34 00:02:37,076 --> 00:02:38,944 Oh, I'm glad she said yes, 35 00:02:39,012 --> 00:02:42,047 'cause that would have been an awkward float down. 36 00:02:42,115 --> 00:02:43,882 Oh, oh, please, please, please tell me 37 00:02:43,950 --> 00:02:45,550 you're available the 3rd next month, 38 00:02:45,618 --> 00:02:47,386 because you are all so important to me, 39 00:02:47,453 --> 00:02:49,321 and I really, really wanna have you there. 40 00:02:49,389 --> 00:02:53,125 Of course we'll be there. We'll be there with bells on. We wouldn't miss it. 41 00:02:53,192 --> 00:02:55,160 Oh, us, too. We're... we're there. 42 00:02:55,228 --> 00:02:57,195 Oh, yay! I'm so happy you're gonna make it. 43 00:02:57,263 --> 00:03:01,033 I mean, Doug and Carrie, I know how busy you guys are. 44 00:03:01,100 --> 00:03:02,334 We will see you there? 45 00:03:02,402 --> 00:03:03,468 Ok. Yeah. 46 00:03:03,536 --> 00:03:05,037 All righty. Bye. 47 00:03:05,104 --> 00:03:07,406 Wow. They're finally doing it. That's great. 48 00:03:07,473 --> 00:03:08,873 I know. It is great. 49 00:03:08,942 --> 00:03:12,177 Yep. It's pretty great. Mmm. 50 00:03:12,245 --> 00:03:15,080 Is it me, or has she gotten more annoying? 51 00:03:15,148 --> 00:03:16,815 Definitely kicked it up a notch. 52 00:03:16,882 --> 00:03:18,516 Come on, you guys, stop it. She's fine. 53 00:03:18,584 --> 00:03:20,885 The wedding will be fun. It's one afternoon of your life, 54 00:03:20,954 --> 00:03:22,554 so quit your bitchin'. Who's bitchin'? 55 00:03:22,621 --> 00:03:25,090 As long as there's a guy with a big hat carving roast beef, 56 00:03:25,158 --> 00:03:26,925 I'm one jolly s.O.B. 57 00:03:31,630 --> 00:03:32,965 How do? Hey. 58 00:03:34,200 --> 00:03:35,767 Hon, I can't figure out what to make. 59 00:03:35,835 --> 00:03:38,136 How do you feel about eggs for dinner? 60 00:03:38,204 --> 00:03:40,772 It's unconventional, but I'll allow it. 61 00:03:42,442 --> 00:03:44,977 Oh, Douglas. Just the man I was hoping to find. 62 00:03:45,044 --> 00:03:46,611 Hey, Arthur-it is. 63 00:03:52,218 --> 00:03:54,987 I'll say a phrase, and I want your instant reaction. 64 00:03:55,054 --> 00:03:57,356 Don't think. Just speak. 65 00:03:57,423 --> 00:03:59,992 Half-price footwear. Go. 66 00:04:01,794 --> 00:04:03,996 Pass. Next question. 67 00:04:04,063 --> 00:04:06,865 Style-rite shoes is having a father and son shoe sale. 68 00:04:06,932 --> 00:04:09,067 Father buys a pair, son gets a pair for free. 69 00:04:09,135 --> 00:04:11,769 If we go in together, we get 2 for 1, and we split the cost. 70 00:04:11,837 --> 00:04:14,873 All I need is for you to pretend you are my son. 71 00:04:15,774 --> 00:04:17,109 Right, right. 72 00:04:17,743 --> 00:04:19,844 No. 73 00:04:19,912 --> 00:04:23,882 You do understand we are talking about half-price footwear? 74 00:04:23,949 --> 00:04:25,517 Yes, I do understand that. 75 00:04:25,584 --> 00:04:28,953 I also understand that you had some kind of sausage for lunch. 76 00:04:29,022 --> 00:04:30,489 Sorry, not interested. 77 00:04:30,556 --> 00:04:33,091 Fine, you have just wise-guyed your way 78 00:04:33,159 --> 00:04:35,760 out of a very sweet deal, friend. 79 00:04:35,828 --> 00:04:39,364 You picked yourself a real loser, darling. 80 00:04:39,432 --> 00:04:41,766 Look at this. We got Lisa and guy's wedding invitation. 81 00:04:41,834 --> 00:04:43,568 Oh, really? Open it. Open it. 82 00:04:43,636 --> 00:04:44,669 Yeah? Yeah. 83 00:04:46,005 --> 00:04:48,773 Ok, he could have done without the confetti. 84 00:04:48,841 --> 00:04:50,675 Read it. 85 00:04:50,743 --> 00:04:53,645 All right. Blah, blah, 86 00:04:53,712 --> 00:04:55,347 Just the usual stuff, really. 87 00:04:55,415 --> 00:04:58,783 Hey, fun fact. Guy's mother's name is midge. 88 00:04:58,851 --> 00:05:00,318 Midge. 89 00:05:00,386 --> 00:05:02,054 So where's the wedding? At Leonard's? 90 00:05:02,121 --> 00:05:04,256 Uh, that would be in chapter 2. 91 00:05:04,323 --> 00:05:06,758 Um, the dellecave manor... 92 00:05:07,726 --> 00:05:09,194 Oh, sweet God. 93 00:05:09,262 --> 00:05:11,463 What? It's in Maryland. 94 00:05:11,531 --> 00:05:12,730 What? 95 00:05:12,798 --> 00:05:14,933 Gaithersburg, Maryland. We gotta go to Maryland. 96 00:05:15,000 --> 00:05:16,034 Let me see that. 97 00:05:16,102 --> 00:05:18,303 What? You don't think I can read? 98 00:05:18,371 --> 00:05:20,238 That's like a 5 hour drive. 99 00:05:20,306 --> 00:05:22,541 This is an all-weekend, stay-overnight thing. 100 00:05:22,608 --> 00:05:24,776 She tricked us. 101 00:05:24,843 --> 00:05:27,011 We're not going. You know, they're friends, yes, 102 00:05:27,080 --> 00:05:29,147 but they're not drive-to-Maryland friends. 103 00:05:29,215 --> 00:05:30,782 Doug, we have to go. 104 00:05:30,849 --> 00:05:33,618 If we don't, we're not gonna be friends with them at all. 105 00:05:33,686 --> 00:05:35,520 Great. Where do I sign? 106 00:05:36,755 --> 00:05:39,224 Doug, I said we were free. You heard me, 107 00:05:39,292 --> 00:05:40,992 and I said we'd be there with bells on. 108 00:05:41,060 --> 00:05:42,727 But that was before you remembered 109 00:05:42,795 --> 00:05:46,465 that my Uncle shmelman was coming to visit that weekend 110 00:05:46,532 --> 00:05:50,034 and could possibly be dying, if necessary. 111 00:05:50,103 --> 00:05:52,003 No, we can't make up an excuse. 112 00:05:52,071 --> 00:05:53,105 Why not? 113 00:05:53,172 --> 00:05:55,240 Do you remember our wedding? 114 00:05:55,308 --> 00:05:57,319 They were in Munich, and they flew back early so they could be there. 115 00:05:57,343 --> 00:05:58,810 Do you know where Munich is? 116 00:05:58,877 --> 00:06:02,981 I'll tell you one thing, it's a lot closer than Maryland. 117 00:06:03,048 --> 00:06:06,351 Doug, if we don't go, I will never hear the end of it. 118 00:06:06,419 --> 00:06:07,752 You know how Lisa is. 119 00:06:07,820 --> 00:06:09,331 I miss returning one of her phone calls, 120 00:06:09,355 --> 00:06:10,922 and she's, "oh, you're so busy", 121 00:06:10,990 --> 00:06:12,957 you're so hard to get a hold of." 122 00:06:13,025 --> 00:06:15,527 Could you imagine if we skipped their wedding? 123 00:06:15,595 --> 00:06:17,562 "Oh, so sorry we missed you at the wedding. 124 00:06:17,630 --> 00:06:19,664 "Good thing we flew in from Munich for yours, 125 00:06:19,732 --> 00:06:22,400 or we'd never see you." 126 00:06:22,468 --> 00:06:25,237 We're going. Deal with it, hon. 127 00:06:25,304 --> 00:06:27,639 Well, if we go, I'm punching midge. 128 00:06:39,185 --> 00:06:42,154 I don't know about this, Arthur. I mean, pretending to be your son, 129 00:06:42,221 --> 00:06:43,821 that's... that's kind of like lying. 130 00:06:43,889 --> 00:06:46,191 Oh, you don't like lying, but you sure jumped for joy 131 00:06:46,259 --> 00:06:48,460 when I mentioned half-price shoes, didn't you? 132 00:06:48,528 --> 00:06:52,297 Now, shut your pie-hole and start calling me daddy. 133 00:06:52,365 --> 00:06:54,232 Hey, there. Can I help you? 134 00:06:54,300 --> 00:06:58,102 Uh, yes. I'd like to see these in a 9 and a half. 135 00:06:58,171 --> 00:07:00,038 What would you like, son? 136 00:07:01,274 --> 00:07:02,940 Clarks wallabees, size 7. 137 00:07:03,008 --> 00:07:04,676 That's my boy. 138 00:07:04,743 --> 00:07:08,246 Hey, uh, you and your son sit tight, and I'll go grab 'em. 139 00:07:10,949 --> 00:07:13,084 He bought it! What a rush! 140 00:07:19,091 --> 00:07:20,792 Just out of curiosity, 141 00:07:20,859 --> 00:07:23,395 what's the story with your real father? 142 00:07:25,498 --> 00:07:27,899 He walked out on me and my mom when I was 2. 143 00:07:27,966 --> 00:07:31,936 Then, uh, this little charade must be very painful for you. 144 00:07:32,004 --> 00:07:34,706 Yeah. Actually, uh... Shut up. He's coming. 145 00:07:36,008 --> 00:07:37,108 Found 'em both. 146 00:07:37,176 --> 00:07:38,743 Oh, terrific. 147 00:07:38,811 --> 00:07:40,312 You know, it's funny. I remember 148 00:07:40,379 --> 00:07:42,780 the very first pair of big-boy shoes I bought for this kid. 149 00:07:42,848 --> 00:07:44,182 You know what he said? 150 00:07:44,250 --> 00:07:46,951 "My toes got their own house now." 151 00:07:51,957 --> 00:07:53,491 So, uh, how do those fit? 152 00:07:53,559 --> 00:07:54,792 Wonderfully. 153 00:07:54,860 --> 00:07:58,196 They remind me of my first g.I. Government issue. 154 00:07:59,064 --> 00:08:00,998 You served in w.W. Ii? 155 00:08:01,066 --> 00:08:02,767 Army. 71st infantry. 156 00:08:02,835 --> 00:08:05,069 You're kidding. The 29th. 157 00:08:05,137 --> 00:08:07,272 I mean, we were the guys that went in first. 158 00:08:07,340 --> 00:08:10,174 I mean, cleared the way for you. 159 00:08:10,243 --> 00:08:13,511 Cleared the way? It was no picnic for us, you know. 160 00:08:13,579 --> 00:08:16,114 Yeah, but we took a hell of a lot more casualties. 161 00:08:16,181 --> 00:08:19,817 Well, sure, but you understand how difficult it was for us, 162 00:08:19,885 --> 00:08:22,019 tripping over all your bodies? 163 00:08:23,889 --> 00:08:25,957 Hey, dad? We're out of the rock port loafers. 164 00:08:26,024 --> 00:08:27,392 I'll call in an order, ok? 165 00:08:27,460 --> 00:08:29,394 Thanks, Scotty. 166 00:08:29,462 --> 00:08:31,162 That's my son. 167 00:08:31,230 --> 00:08:33,164 Good lookin' boy. 168 00:08:33,232 --> 00:08:34,966 Straighten up. 169 00:08:35,033 --> 00:08:38,703 Hey, I got an idea. What do you say we go out for dinner and drinks? 170 00:08:38,771 --> 00:08:41,573 We bring our boys, we tell them how the war really was, 171 00:08:41,641 --> 00:08:44,075 how my unit saved your ass... 172 00:08:44,143 --> 00:08:45,577 You mean how we saved yours, 173 00:08:45,645 --> 00:08:47,812 but, uh, we'll pick this up at Tony Roma's. 174 00:08:47,880 --> 00:08:50,382 Uh, actually, dad, 175 00:08:50,449 --> 00:08:53,418 I'm kind of busy with things right now. I don't have time. 176 00:08:53,486 --> 00:08:55,520 Well, you sure find time to shoe shop. 177 00:08:55,588 --> 00:08:58,556 You can't sit with these good people for an hour and have dinner? 178 00:08:58,624 --> 00:09:01,760 Now, take those off and go wait for me in the car. 179 00:09:06,031 --> 00:09:09,066 And that's the cheapest room rate you have? 180 00:09:09,134 --> 00:09:11,469 You do realize you're in a town in Maryland 181 00:09:11,537 --> 00:09:14,372 no one outside of the state has ever heard of? 182 00:09:14,440 --> 00:09:16,308 Tell them we're triple a members. Tell them. 183 00:09:16,375 --> 00:09:18,009 Yeah. Just for one night. 184 00:09:18,076 --> 00:09:20,077 Tell them. Sometimes they give you a discount. 185 00:09:20,145 --> 00:09:22,781 All right. Well, thank you. Bye-bye. 186 00:09:22,848 --> 00:09:25,350 Why are we a member of an auto club if you won't bring it up? 187 00:09:25,418 --> 00:09:27,585 I did, before you came in. 188 00:09:27,653 --> 00:09:30,555 $189 is the best rate they can give us. 189 00:09:30,623 --> 00:09:33,257 Can't we just Mark "no" on this r.S.V.P. Card? 190 00:09:33,326 --> 00:09:37,195 It would be so simple. 2 little letters. "N"... 191 00:09:37,262 --> 00:09:38,996 We can't. We're in too deep now. 192 00:09:39,064 --> 00:09:41,299 Lisa called me last night, and I actually said again 193 00:09:41,367 --> 00:09:42,767 we'd be there with bells on. 194 00:09:42,835 --> 00:09:45,236 Again with the... What is your obsession with bells? 195 00:09:45,304 --> 00:09:46,805 They flew in from Munich! 196 00:09:46,872 --> 00:09:48,340 Oh, come on. 197 00:09:48,407 --> 00:09:50,208 And you know what the worst thing is? 198 00:09:50,275 --> 00:09:52,844 We go down there, we give up our entire weekend, 199 00:09:52,911 --> 00:09:56,180 we eat terrible catered food, and they have, like, 300 guests coming, 200 00:09:56,248 --> 00:09:58,216 we'll see them for maybe 10 seconds. 201 00:09:58,283 --> 00:10:00,918 Somehow, I always end up in the middle of a cluster of cousins 202 00:10:00,986 --> 00:10:02,954 during the Y.M.C.A. Dance. 203 00:10:03,021 --> 00:10:05,022 Well, that's just because you do it so well. 204 00:10:05,090 --> 00:10:06,224 I know. 205 00:10:08,026 --> 00:10:10,628 I mean, remember tedi and David's wedding? 206 00:10:10,696 --> 00:10:14,632 We never saw them. They would have never known we were even there. 207 00:10:16,301 --> 00:10:19,237 Oh. I just... I just had a thought. 208 00:10:19,304 --> 00:10:20,805 What? 209 00:10:20,873 --> 00:10:24,976 300 guests. We'll... we'll never even see them. 210 00:10:25,043 --> 00:10:27,812 We should just not go and say we went. 211 00:10:27,880 --> 00:10:29,881 What? We can't do that. 212 00:10:29,948 --> 00:10:32,717 I'm not sure we can't. 213 00:10:32,785 --> 00:10:35,253 But it... Isn't it illegal? 214 00:10:35,320 --> 00:10:36,821 No. Not at all. 215 00:10:36,889 --> 00:10:38,834 You just said we'll see them for 10 seconds, maybe. 216 00:10:38,858 --> 00:10:41,993 Who's to say we weren't there? We could do this. 217 00:10:42,060 --> 00:10:44,061 Do we dare? Yes! 218 00:10:44,129 --> 00:10:46,631 And then, a week from now, we call and say we had a good time, 219 00:10:46,699 --> 00:10:48,600 and how great she looked, 220 00:10:48,667 --> 00:10:50,512 and that we're sorry we couldn't spend more time with them. 221 00:10:50,536 --> 00:10:53,705 Mr. Heffernan, you just might be on to something. 222 00:10:54,540 --> 00:10:55,573 So, you in? 223 00:10:55,641 --> 00:10:57,241 I don't know. I'm scared. 224 00:10:57,309 --> 00:10:59,277 Yes, yes. Ok. There you go! 225 00:10:59,344 --> 00:11:01,345 This is one of the greatest ideas I ever had, 226 00:11:01,414 --> 00:11:05,182 and I thought of double stuff oreos way before it was realized. 227 00:11:06,786 --> 00:11:08,085 Ok. 228 00:11:08,153 --> 00:11:10,955 R.S.V.P., yes. 229 00:11:11,023 --> 00:11:13,491 And we will have the chicken. 230 00:11:13,559 --> 00:11:15,393 Wait. What... what's the other choice? 231 00:11:15,461 --> 00:11:16,628 Steak. You know what? 232 00:11:16,695 --> 00:11:17,896 Mark me down for that. 233 00:11:17,963 --> 00:11:20,398 We're not going. What's the difference? 234 00:11:20,466 --> 00:11:22,467 Such a red flag. They look at it and go, 235 00:11:22,535 --> 00:11:24,068 "what? Doug's not having the steak? 236 00:11:24,136 --> 00:11:25,637 "What the heck's going on here? 237 00:11:25,704 --> 00:11:28,807 Are they pretending to come?" 238 00:11:28,874 --> 00:11:31,008 Ok. I don't think they'd jump to that, 239 00:11:31,076 --> 00:11:34,345 but all right, steak it is. You know what? I will go for the steak, too. 240 00:11:34,413 --> 00:11:35,747 All right. Ok. 241 00:11:35,815 --> 00:11:37,381 We're doing this. 242 00:11:38,250 --> 00:11:40,518 Ok, I'm doing it. 243 00:11:40,586 --> 00:11:43,087 This is living. I did it. Ok. 244 00:11:43,155 --> 00:11:45,590 And we are officially saying 245 00:11:45,658 --> 00:11:48,726 we are going to a wedding and not going. 246 00:11:49,528 --> 00:11:51,062 Make love to me. 247 00:12:00,890 --> 00:12:02,590 The place cards. 248 00:12:02,692 --> 00:12:05,460 Doug. Wake up. I just thought of something. 249 00:12:05,528 --> 00:12:06,895 What? The wedding. 250 00:12:06,962 --> 00:12:08,497 If we don't show up, 251 00:12:08,564 --> 00:12:10,743 Lisa and guy will see that our place cards weren't picked up. 252 00:12:10,767 --> 00:12:12,901 They'll know we weren't there. 253 00:12:14,504 --> 00:12:16,237 So that's all we really need you to do. 254 00:12:16,305 --> 00:12:17,839 Just pick up our place cards, 255 00:12:17,907 --> 00:12:20,252 and push the food around our plates so it looks like we ate. 256 00:12:20,276 --> 00:12:22,511 Yeah, basically, just keep us alive. 257 00:12:22,578 --> 00:12:23,812 And as a bonus, 258 00:12:23,880 --> 00:12:25,724 if... if you actually want anything from our plates, 259 00:12:25,748 --> 00:12:26,981 like, if you want a 2nd steak 260 00:12:27,049 --> 00:12:29,451 or some more potatoes, go to town. 261 00:12:30,386 --> 00:12:31,853 Is that all? 262 00:12:31,921 --> 00:12:33,832 You know what? Actually, at some point during the night, 263 00:12:33,856 --> 00:12:36,991 I want you to go to the bar, pick up 2 drinks, then walk by guy and go, 264 00:12:37,059 --> 00:12:39,861 "what's up, man? Where's Doug? I got his drink? Hey." 265 00:12:39,929 --> 00:12:42,497 Do you understand that we don't want to go to Maryland, either? 266 00:12:42,565 --> 00:12:44,866 Hey. L-let's jump on their plan. 267 00:12:44,934 --> 00:12:46,735 I mean, we could just pretend to go, too. 268 00:12:46,803 --> 00:12:48,670 Oh. No, no, no. You can't. No way. No way. 269 00:12:48,738 --> 00:12:50,906 There's no way 4 people can fake be there. No. 270 00:12:50,973 --> 00:12:53,308 No. It's way too obvious. Besides, I thought of it first. 271 00:12:53,375 --> 00:12:55,343 What do you mean, you thought of it first? 272 00:12:55,411 --> 00:12:59,047 You didn't invent the idea of pretending to be somewhere when you're not really there. 273 00:12:59,114 --> 00:13:01,182 Yes, I did. 274 00:13:01,250 --> 00:13:03,785 Well, too bad. If we have to go, we're not gonna help. 275 00:13:03,853 --> 00:13:08,323 Please, Kel? Please? I'm begging you, help us out here. 276 00:13:10,125 --> 00:13:11,392 Oh, all right. 277 00:13:11,461 --> 00:13:12,527 What? 278 00:13:12,595 --> 00:13:13,695 We're going anyway. 279 00:13:13,763 --> 00:13:16,130 Thank you. Thank you so much. 280 00:13:16,198 --> 00:13:18,667 One other thing, if you wouldn't mind giving them this, 281 00:13:18,734 --> 00:13:20,902 we'd really appreciate it. 282 00:13:20,970 --> 00:13:22,804 Thanks so much. Really. 283 00:13:25,808 --> 00:13:26,942 Hey, this is Doug. 284 00:13:27,009 --> 00:13:28,577 And this is Carrie. 285 00:13:28,644 --> 00:13:31,646 We can't come to the phone right now 'cause we're in Maryland. 286 00:13:31,714 --> 00:13:34,649 We're back on Sunday, 287 00:13:34,717 --> 00:13:37,418 but you know what to do. Do it after the beep. 288 00:13:37,487 --> 00:13:39,287 Good, 'cause we're in Maryland. 289 00:13:41,323 --> 00:13:42,691 I think they got the point. Yeah. 290 00:13:42,758 --> 00:13:43,825 How sweet is this? Yeah. 291 00:13:43,893 --> 00:13:45,594 We would have been driving for 5 hours, 292 00:13:45,661 --> 00:13:49,163 and instead, I'm parking my heiny on the living room couch. 293 00:13:49,231 --> 00:13:50,932 It's pretty sweet, isn't it? 294 00:13:51,000 --> 00:13:53,067 We got the whole weekend ahead of us. 295 00:13:53,135 --> 00:13:54,435 Oh, yeah. 296 00:13:54,504 --> 00:13:56,538 Relaxation. 297 00:14:01,110 --> 00:14:02,143 Who's that? 298 00:14:02,211 --> 00:14:03,745 I... I don't know. 299 00:14:07,216 --> 00:14:08,683 Hi. Hey. 300 00:14:08,751 --> 00:14:09,985 Guess what? 301 00:14:10,052 --> 00:14:11,887 My kid has a 103 fever. 302 00:14:12,989 --> 00:14:14,389 What? Yeah. 303 00:14:14,456 --> 00:14:16,591 So it turns out Kelly and I can't go to the wedding. 304 00:14:16,659 --> 00:14:18,994 I just called Lisa and guy in Maryland and canceled. 305 00:14:19,061 --> 00:14:22,463 They were disappointed, but they totally understood. 306 00:14:22,532 --> 00:14:23,965 Who's gonna keep us alive? 307 00:14:24,033 --> 00:14:26,467 Mmm. Not sure, so, um, 308 00:14:27,637 --> 00:14:29,938 let me give you this back, 309 00:14:30,006 --> 00:14:33,642 and since I guess you'll have to go, if you wouldn't mind, uh, 310 00:14:33,709 --> 00:14:36,477 drop off Kelly and my gift, would ya? 311 00:14:36,546 --> 00:14:38,212 But we had an arrangement. 312 00:14:38,280 --> 00:14:40,782 Very sick kid. Sorry. I actually should get back to him. 313 00:14:40,850 --> 00:14:42,717 We're supposed to bathe him in cold water, 314 00:14:42,785 --> 00:14:44,218 so, see ya! 315 00:14:47,122 --> 00:14:48,823 So that's all we were wondering. 316 00:14:48,891 --> 00:14:51,159 If you could just make it look like we were there. 317 00:14:51,226 --> 00:14:53,261 You know, pick up our place cards, 318 00:14:53,328 --> 00:14:55,163 dump some food off our plates. 319 00:14:55,230 --> 00:14:57,331 Yeah, and, uh, if you could just, uh, you know, 320 00:14:57,399 --> 00:14:59,601 give them this here. 321 00:15:00,502 --> 00:15:02,403 Oh, and, uh, 322 00:15:02,471 --> 00:15:06,007 just this right there. That's be great. Thanks. Yeah. 323 00:15:06,075 --> 00:15:08,843 So you want us to lie to Lisa and guy 324 00:15:08,911 --> 00:15:10,779 and make it look like you're there? 325 00:15:10,846 --> 00:15:13,281 Yeah. So, what do you think? 326 00:15:13,348 --> 00:15:16,651 To be honest, I think that's awful. 327 00:15:16,719 --> 00:15:19,253 I'd be very uncomfortable doing that. 328 00:15:19,321 --> 00:15:21,489 I was gonna say the same thing. 329 00:15:23,292 --> 00:15:25,359 Fair enough. Fair enough. 330 00:15:28,564 --> 00:15:30,498 So what else is goin' on? 331 00:15:35,571 --> 00:15:37,639 So, Scotty runs the store with me, 332 00:15:37,707 --> 00:15:40,475 and at night, he takes classes at St. John's, 333 00:15:40,542 --> 00:15:42,143 getting his business degree. 334 00:15:42,211 --> 00:15:43,745 Yeah, when I'm done, we're gonna see 335 00:15:43,813 --> 00:15:45,379 if we can turn our place into a chain. 336 00:15:45,447 --> 00:15:47,582 Maybe open up some franchises around long island. 337 00:15:47,650 --> 00:15:49,217 Quite a boy, huh? 338 00:15:49,284 --> 00:15:51,686 Yeah. Quite a boy. 339 00:15:53,889 --> 00:15:55,556 So, Spence, what do you do? 340 00:15:55,625 --> 00:15:57,859 He owns the subway. 341 00:15:57,927 --> 00:16:01,195 I work in the subway. I... I sell tokens, maps, 342 00:16:01,263 --> 00:16:02,731 the occasional metrocard. 343 00:16:02,798 --> 00:16:04,933 Would it kill you to go to school at night? 344 00:16:05,001 --> 00:16:06,801 I don't want to go to school. 345 00:16:06,869 --> 00:16:09,537 Yeah? Well, there's a new thing out called "ambition." 346 00:16:09,605 --> 00:16:10,805 Get some. 347 00:16:12,307 --> 00:16:14,909 Fruit of my loins. Emphasis on fruit. 348 00:16:14,977 --> 00:16:16,277 Hey, leave me alone, will you? 349 00:16:16,345 --> 00:16:17,912 I'll leave you alone 350 00:16:17,980 --> 00:16:20,025 when you take a little responsibility for your life! Be a man! 351 00:16:20,049 --> 00:16:21,282 Shut up! Just shut up! 352 00:16:21,350 --> 00:16:22,717 The mouth he gets from his mother. 353 00:16:22,785 --> 00:16:24,853 Hey! Leave my mother out of this. 354 00:16:24,920 --> 00:16:27,321 Uh, I think I'll go check on our table. 355 00:16:27,389 --> 00:16:31,259 Actually, uh, I'll go with you, dad. 356 00:16:31,326 --> 00:16:33,728 Yeah, uh, look, I think I'm gonna get going. 357 00:16:33,796 --> 00:16:36,430 What are you talking about? We're gonna have a delicious dinner. 358 00:16:36,498 --> 00:16:39,233 Yeah, well, I'm just not very hungry. Goodbye. 359 00:16:39,301 --> 00:16:40,802 Yeah. Go ahead. Run away. 360 00:16:40,870 --> 00:16:42,648 But there are a million boys like Scott out there, 361 00:16:42,672 --> 00:16:44,039 and you can't run away from them! 362 00:16:44,106 --> 00:16:45,473 What the hell is going on? 363 00:16:45,541 --> 00:16:47,075 Why are you being so mean to me? 364 00:16:47,143 --> 00:16:49,544 Have I said one thing that isn't true? 365 00:16:49,611 --> 00:16:52,981 Look at yourself. You're 34 years old, and you've gone nowhere! 366 00:16:53,049 --> 00:16:54,816 You work underground like a ferret! 367 00:16:54,884 --> 00:16:57,185 Yeah, ok, you know what? Fine. You're right. 368 00:16:57,252 --> 00:16:58,953 But just once during this entire time 369 00:16:59,021 --> 00:17:00,955 that you've been pretending to be my father, 370 00:17:01,023 --> 00:17:03,925 would it have killed you, just once, to say, uh, 371 00:17:03,993 --> 00:17:05,626 "you're... you're a good boy, Spence" 372 00:17:05,695 --> 00:17:08,529 or "I'm proud of you, Spence." 373 00:17:08,597 --> 00:17:11,833 "I love you, Spence." Would that have killed you? 374 00:17:14,870 --> 00:17:16,805 Oh, God, what have I done? 375 00:17:25,314 --> 00:17:27,115 It's gonna be ok, boy. 376 00:17:30,552 --> 00:17:33,221 No! You can't say I called you with this. 377 00:17:34,289 --> 00:17:35,489 Who's that? 378 00:17:35,557 --> 00:17:37,458 The band leader for the wedding. 379 00:17:37,526 --> 00:17:40,161 Ok. What I'm asking you to say 380 00:17:40,229 --> 00:17:43,765 is "Doug and Carrie just requested this song." 381 00:17:45,768 --> 00:17:49,670 No! Honey, you have to say that I just did it. 382 00:17:49,739 --> 00:17:53,007 Ok. You know what? Never mind. You... ok, thank you. Bye. 383 00:17:53,075 --> 00:17:54,709 Uh, no help, this guy over here. 384 00:17:54,777 --> 00:17:57,779 Jeez. What is up with people? 385 00:17:57,847 --> 00:17:59,948 Well, the wedding's in 2 hours. 386 00:18:00,015 --> 00:18:02,250 I'd say we're pretty much screwed. 387 00:18:02,317 --> 00:18:04,685 Yeah. It's, uh, it's over. 388 00:18:04,754 --> 00:18:06,287 You know what I wonder? 389 00:18:06,355 --> 00:18:10,324 What's that moment gonna be when they finally realize we didn't show up? 390 00:18:10,392 --> 00:18:11,860 How's it gonna come out? 391 00:18:11,927 --> 00:18:15,063 Will the gay couple tell them? 392 00:18:15,131 --> 00:18:17,465 The band leader? Our accountant? 393 00:18:18,968 --> 00:18:21,069 Here's how it's gonna happen, 394 00:18:21,137 --> 00:18:23,004 guy and Lisa are gonna come to our table 395 00:18:23,072 --> 00:18:25,506 to thank us for sharing their special day, 396 00:18:25,574 --> 00:18:28,442 and all they're gonna find are 2 uneaten steaks 397 00:18:28,510 --> 00:18:30,444 and a dirty little secret. 398 00:18:35,117 --> 00:18:36,484 How we doing on time? 399 00:18:36,551 --> 00:18:38,352 We're still 3 hours away. 400 00:18:38,420 --> 00:18:40,054 Damn! Well, drive faster. 401 00:18:40,122 --> 00:18:42,991 Maybe we can make it there before they bring out the Friggin' cake. 402 00:18:43,058 --> 00:18:44,759 Oh, bear left. We need the 95 South. 403 00:18:44,827 --> 00:18:45,927 Ok. 404 00:18:47,997 --> 00:18:50,698 Hand me the snapple bottle. I gotta pee. 405 00:19:16,091 --> 00:19:18,827 There they are! Hurry up! I can see them! They're leaving! 406 00:19:18,894 --> 00:19:21,562 I can't run in these heels! Why are you wearing heels? 407 00:19:21,630 --> 00:19:22,697 It's a wedding. 408 00:19:27,402 --> 00:19:30,038 Lisa! Guy! We're here! 409 00:19:30,105 --> 00:19:32,506 Hey! Doug here! The steak was delicious! 410 00:19:32,574 --> 00:19:34,475 We're here! We're here! 411 00:19:34,543 --> 00:19:35,576 We're here! 412 00:19:35,644 --> 00:19:36,878 Excuse me! Excuse me! 413 00:19:36,946 --> 00:19:38,112 Whoo! Hey! 414 00:19:38,180 --> 00:19:41,950 Oh, they're gone. We missed 'em. 415 00:19:42,017 --> 00:19:44,886 They probably couldn't see us through all the frickin' bubbles. 416 00:19:44,954 --> 00:19:47,155 Ok. There's no way we drove all the way to Maryland 417 00:19:47,223 --> 00:19:50,058 and we're not getting credit for it. 418 00:19:50,125 --> 00:19:52,393 Come on, come on. Here, take 'em. 419 00:19:58,467 --> 00:20:00,735 I... I'm sorry. This is groom's family only. 420 00:20:00,802 --> 00:20:04,205 That's right. I'm, uh, I'm his, uh, step-nephew. 421 00:20:04,273 --> 00:20:05,539 All right. Hey. 422 00:20:05,607 --> 00:20:08,376 Groom's family only, please. 423 00:20:08,443 --> 00:20:11,312 All right, all right. Fine. Sorry. Sorry. 424 00:20:11,380 --> 00:20:12,947 Excuse me. Sorry. 425 00:20:14,350 --> 00:20:17,018 Ok, everybody say "wedded bliss." 426 00:20:17,086 --> 00:20:18,686 Wedded bliss. 427 00:20:22,491 --> 00:20:24,859 Groom's family only.