1 00:00:22,030 --> 00:00:23,162 Carrie! 2 00:00:23,230 --> 00:00:24,563 Yeah? 3 00:00:24,631 --> 00:00:27,582 Don't come down yet. I'm wrapping your Christmas present. 4 00:00:27,650 --> 00:00:28,916 Ok. 5 00:00:49,509 --> 00:00:52,709 All right, you can come down now. 6 00:00:52,777 --> 00:00:54,076 One sec. 7 00:00:54,145 --> 00:00:55,477 What are you doing, anyway? 8 00:00:55,545 --> 00:00:56,877 Peeing on a stick. 9 00:00:56,945 --> 00:01:00,696 I'm hoping it's a pregnancy test. 10 00:01:00,764 --> 00:01:02,163 Here it is. 11 00:01:02,231 --> 00:01:04,265 So? We getting a baby or what? 12 00:01:04,332 --> 00:01:05,965 I don't know. We'll know in 3 minutes. 13 00:01:06,032 --> 00:01:07,899 Oh, come on, be positive, be positive. 14 00:01:07,967 --> 00:01:10,568 Daddy wants to be a daddy! 15 00:01:10,636 --> 00:01:13,101 All right, stop waving it. It's not a polaroid. 16 00:01:13,169 --> 00:01:14,969 Just set it down there. 17 00:01:15,036 --> 00:01:16,236 Set it down! 18 00:01:16,304 --> 00:01:18,304 God, I just wanna be pregnant, already. 19 00:01:18,372 --> 00:01:21,373 We've been trying for so long, and I'm sick of it. 20 00:01:21,440 --> 00:01:22,806 Thank you. 21 00:01:25,441 --> 00:01:27,107 I'll telling you, if I'm not pregnant, 22 00:01:27,175 --> 00:01:29,743 I'm gonna call that fertility place and make an appointment. 23 00:01:29,810 --> 00:01:31,443 Stop it. We don't need to go there. 24 00:01:31,511 --> 00:01:32,744 Why not? 25 00:01:32,811 --> 00:01:35,479 We've... we've been trying for 5 months, and zippo. 26 00:01:35,546 --> 00:01:37,612 Why are you so opposed to getting checked out? 27 00:01:37,680 --> 00:01:39,580 Because we'll be sitting in the waiting room 28 00:01:39,648 --> 00:01:41,781 and people will look over at us, 29 00:01:41,848 --> 00:01:44,282 and let's face it, they're gonna assume it's me. 30 00:01:44,350 --> 00:01:46,783 Well, if it makes you feel any better, 31 00:01:46,951 --> 00:01:48,367 I will announce to the room 32 00:01:48,435 --> 00:01:52,713 that you are a champion sperm donor from yugoslavia. 33 00:01:52,737 --> 00:01:54,720 Look. We don't need a clinic. 34 00:01:54,788 --> 00:01:56,888 I'm telling you, that test is gonna come up positive. 35 00:01:56,956 --> 00:01:58,388 I can feel it. 36 00:01:58,456 --> 00:01:59,939 Yeah? How do you know? 37 00:02:00,040 --> 00:02:01,973 'Cause the other night, when we were trying, 38 00:02:02,041 --> 00:02:04,858 I was right on the money. 39 00:02:04,926 --> 00:02:06,708 I made good contact, I followed through. 40 00:02:06,776 --> 00:02:09,210 You gotta get the legs into it, that's the key. The legs. 41 00:02:12,045 --> 00:02:13,678 Well, I hope you're right. 42 00:02:13,746 --> 00:02:16,246 It would be nice to be pregnant for Christmas, wouldn't it? 43 00:02:16,314 --> 00:02:17,714 Yeah, and when my parents come up, 44 00:02:17,781 --> 00:02:19,648 we can give them the good news in person. 45 00:02:19,716 --> 00:02:20,858 Actually, that's gift enough, 46 00:02:20,882 --> 00:02:22,499 we can return the matching sweat suits. 47 00:02:22,567 --> 00:02:24,166 Oh, that reminds me, 48 00:02:24,233 --> 00:02:26,244 I gotta get the office cleaned up and the futon ready for them. 49 00:02:26,268 --> 00:02:29,035 You did tell them they were staying in the office this time, right? 50 00:02:30,838 --> 00:02:32,869 You are such a wimp! 51 00:02:32,937 --> 00:02:34,671 Carrie, it's hard. I mean, 52 00:02:34,738 --> 00:02:36,982 the... the first time they came to visit we gave them our room. 53 00:02:37,006 --> 00:02:38,339 Sliding them across the hall now 54 00:02:38,407 --> 00:02:39,940 would be a delicate bit of business. 55 00:02:40,007 --> 00:02:41,874 Why? When we go to visit them in Florida, 56 00:02:41,941 --> 00:02:43,975 they don't give us their bedroom, do they? 57 00:02:44,009 --> 00:02:47,027 No, we sleep on a fold-out couch that smells like a cat. 58 00:02:47,095 --> 00:02:50,095 And need I remind you they don't have a cat? 59 00:02:52,313 --> 00:02:53,646 Look, you're right. I'm sorry. 60 00:02:53,714 --> 00:02:55,481 I just can't look my parents in the eyes 61 00:02:55,548 --> 00:02:57,448 and say, you know, "mom, dad", 62 00:02:57,516 --> 00:02:59,758 you're sleeping next to the fax machine. Merry Christmas!" 63 00:02:59,782 --> 00:03:01,515 You don't have to say anything. 64 00:03:01,583 --> 00:03:03,716 When you bring their suitcases upstairs, 65 00:03:03,784 --> 00:03:05,484 just put them in the office. 66 00:03:06,103 --> 00:03:07,702 You're smart. 67 00:03:07,770 --> 00:03:09,102 I'm not that smart, 68 00:03:09,170 --> 00:03:11,354 just smarter than you, honey. 69 00:03:13,723 --> 00:03:16,656 Say, whose negative pregnancy test is this? 70 00:03:25,694 --> 00:03:26,627 Night. 71 00:03:26,694 --> 00:03:27,994 Thank you, darling. 72 00:03:31,330 --> 00:03:33,410 You hungry, dad? You want a snack before Holly comes? 73 00:03:33,465 --> 00:03:34,581 Sure do. 74 00:03:36,516 --> 00:03:38,616 Why, what is this? 75 00:03:38,684 --> 00:03:42,284 A festive platter of assorted cheeses! 76 00:03:42,352 --> 00:03:45,218 Hello, Cincinnati! 77 00:03:45,286 --> 00:03:47,053 Don't unwrap that. 78 00:03:47,120 --> 00:03:48,453 I'll make you a tuna sandwich. 79 00:03:48,521 --> 00:03:49,754 I see. 80 00:03:49,821 --> 00:03:51,755 A cheese platter suddenly appears, 81 00:03:51,822 --> 00:03:53,622 yet I'm forbidden to partake. 82 00:03:53,690 --> 00:03:56,124 This couldn't possibly have anything to do 83 00:03:56,191 --> 00:03:59,942 with the impending arrival of Douglas' parents today, could it? 84 00:04:00,009 --> 00:04:03,343 It's not just for them, it's for all of us. 85 00:04:03,410 --> 00:04:05,061 Oh, splendid. Then you won't mind 86 00:04:05,128 --> 00:04:07,195 if I take a spoon to the wheel of brie. 87 00:04:07,262 --> 00:04:10,029 Dad, you are driving me crazy. Stop it! 88 00:04:10,097 --> 00:04:11,329 No, I will not stop it! 89 00:04:11,397 --> 00:04:12,731 In the 4 years I've been here, 90 00:04:12,798 --> 00:04:15,131 you never once bought me a cheese platter. Not once! 91 00:04:15,199 --> 00:04:17,099 Then I'll buy you one next week. 92 00:04:17,166 --> 00:04:18,600 I don't want cheese out of pity! 93 00:04:18,667 --> 00:04:20,400 I want cheese out of love! 94 00:04:22,102 --> 00:04:24,402 You love your parents more than me. Admit it! 95 00:04:24,470 --> 00:04:25,636 Done. 96 00:04:32,240 --> 00:04:33,840 Hello? 97 00:04:33,908 --> 00:04:35,407 Hello, Holly. Hi. 98 00:04:35,475 --> 00:04:37,241 Hey. Hi. 99 00:04:37,309 --> 00:04:40,009 Oh, look, Arthur, you and scout are wearing the same sweater. 100 00:04:41,844 --> 00:04:43,611 Did you guys call each other this morning? 101 00:04:43,678 --> 00:04:46,212 No, but I will admit I saw him wearing that the other day, 102 00:04:46,279 --> 00:04:48,413 and he looked quite sharp. 103 00:04:49,748 --> 00:04:51,347 Ok, let's go. Bye, guys. 104 00:04:51,415 --> 00:04:52,848 Hang on one sec. 105 00:04:52,916 --> 00:04:55,449 Dad! I just opened up a can of tuna for you! 106 00:04:55,517 --> 00:04:57,416 Well, when it turns into delicious cheese, 107 00:04:57,484 --> 00:04:58,951 I'll eat it! 108 00:05:01,219 --> 00:05:03,186 You know what? That sounds great. 109 00:05:03,253 --> 00:05:06,037 Yes, we'll see you in a half-hour. Thank you so much. 110 00:05:06,105 --> 00:05:07,839 All right. Bye-bye. 111 00:05:07,906 --> 00:05:09,650 Who are we seeing in a half-hour? The fertility doctor. 112 00:05:09,674 --> 00:05:10,706 They had a cancellation. 113 00:05:10,773 --> 00:05:12,373 Come on, they can get us in right now. 114 00:05:12,441 --> 00:05:13,441 Now? 115 00:05:13,508 --> 00:05:15,108 We got to pick my parents up at 3:00. 116 00:05:15,175 --> 00:05:17,008 It'll be perfect. We'll go get checked out, 117 00:05:17,076 --> 00:05:18,677 then we'll go straight to the airport. 118 00:05:18,743 --> 00:05:20,577 I don't feel like dealing with this today. 119 00:05:20,644 --> 00:05:21,944 Why not? 120 00:05:22,012 --> 00:05:24,188 'Cause I'd... I'd rather be told to switch to baggy shorts 121 00:05:24,212 --> 00:05:25,696 after new year's. 122 00:05:25,764 --> 00:05:27,980 Let's go. Come on. 123 00:05:31,299 --> 00:05:33,149 Ok. Well, I'm pleased to tell you 124 00:05:33,217 --> 00:05:34,916 that the preliminary tests we took today 125 00:05:34,984 --> 00:05:37,051 have been enough for us to isolate the problem. 126 00:05:37,118 --> 00:05:39,485 Oh, well, that's good. So... so what's going on? 127 00:05:39,553 --> 00:05:41,687 Doug. Yeah? 128 00:05:44,088 --> 00:05:47,105 Your sperm count and motility check out fine. 129 00:05:47,173 --> 00:05:48,456 Yes! 130 00:05:48,524 --> 00:05:50,140 Love you guys! 131 00:05:51,341 --> 00:05:53,141 Sorry. I'm sorry. 132 00:05:53,276 --> 00:05:55,159 However, Carrie, 133 00:05:55,226 --> 00:05:57,277 we did find something irregular in your tests. 134 00:05:57,344 --> 00:05:59,961 Apparently, you have only one functioning ovary. 135 00:06:00,028 --> 00:06:01,512 Which means you're only fertile 136 00:06:01,578 --> 00:06:04,029 half as often as you would otherwise be. 137 00:06:04,097 --> 00:06:05,346 Really? 138 00:06:05,413 --> 00:06:06,764 There are some drugs you can take, 139 00:06:06,832 --> 00:06:08,960 but I'm hoping that that won't be necessary. 140 00:06:08,984 --> 00:06:11,349 Um, actually, as a matter of fact, 141 00:06:11,417 --> 00:06:14,183 you are beginning an ovulation cycle today. 142 00:06:14,251 --> 00:06:16,084 I am? 143 00:06:16,152 --> 00:06:18,129 Yes, you are. These next 3 days would be a perfect time 144 00:06:18,153 --> 00:06:19,418 for you to try to get pregnant. 145 00:06:19,486 --> 00:06:20,586 So, 146 00:06:20,655 --> 00:06:23,521 my professional advice is 147 00:06:23,588 --> 00:06:25,022 get crackin'. 148 00:06:30,325 --> 00:06:32,425 So what's new, kids? 149 00:06:35,928 --> 00:06:37,493 Come on in, come on in. 150 00:06:37,561 --> 00:06:39,094 Oh, my goodness, Carrie, 151 00:06:39,162 --> 00:06:41,129 the house looks beautiful. 152 00:06:41,196 --> 00:06:42,297 It's so festive. 153 00:06:42,364 --> 00:06:43,530 Thank you, Janet. 154 00:06:43,597 --> 00:06:44,797 Hey! 155 00:06:44,864 --> 00:06:47,265 Where's that Miami dolphins ornament I sent you? 156 00:06:47,333 --> 00:06:48,598 You didn't hang it up? 157 00:06:48,666 --> 00:06:50,566 No, I got my jets ornament up there. 158 00:06:50,634 --> 00:06:53,834 So? I'm not gonna cancel out my jets ornament 159 00:06:53,902 --> 00:06:55,969 with the freakin' dolphins! 160 00:06:56,037 --> 00:06:57,102 What are you, crazy? 161 00:06:57,170 --> 00:06:59,404 One ornament doesn't cancel out another. 162 00:06:59,471 --> 00:07:02,421 Dad, they're both in the a.F.C. East. 163 00:07:02,489 --> 00:07:04,740 While you two discuss the true meaning of Christmas, 164 00:07:04,807 --> 00:07:06,073 can I make anybody some coffee? 165 00:07:06,141 --> 00:07:07,540 That would be lovely, dear. 166 00:07:07,608 --> 00:07:08,908 Do you need some help? 167 00:07:08,976 --> 00:07:11,308 You know what, mom, you relax. I'll-I'll help her out. 168 00:07:11,376 --> 00:07:12,710 Leave his ornament alone, Joe. 169 00:07:12,778 --> 00:07:16,112 I was taking a candy cane! 170 00:07:16,179 --> 00:07:18,278 So how you... how you doing? 171 00:07:18,346 --> 00:07:22,197 Well, it wasn't my most favorite trip to the doctor I've ever had. 172 00:07:22,265 --> 00:07:24,231 Did you have any idea before? 173 00:07:24,299 --> 00:07:28,634 Like, did you feel weird in, like, a... a one-ovaryish kind of way? 174 00:07:30,586 --> 00:07:33,002 Well, I wasn't tipping to one side, 175 00:07:33,069 --> 00:07:34,902 if that's what you mean. 176 00:07:36,170 --> 00:07:37,537 This sucks! 177 00:07:37,605 --> 00:07:40,105 Look, you heard what the doctor-lady said. 178 00:07:40,172 --> 00:07:42,539 You still got one that's open for business. 179 00:07:43,273 --> 00:07:44,507 That's true. 180 00:07:44,574 --> 00:07:46,773 We've got 3 fertile days coming up, 181 00:07:46,841 --> 00:07:48,476 so we gotta make this happen. 182 00:07:48,543 --> 00:07:49,909 Hey, with my bullets, 183 00:07:49,977 --> 00:07:52,310 I can knock up you and anyone standing behind you. 184 00:07:56,380 --> 00:07:59,080 I just wish we weren't going through this 185 00:07:59,148 --> 00:08:00,481 with your parents visiting, 186 00:08:00,548 --> 00:08:02,665 but at least we'll have our room this time, right? 187 00:08:02,733 --> 00:08:03,982 Yeah. 188 00:08:04,049 --> 00:08:05,300 Oh, God! The suitcases! 189 00:08:05,367 --> 00:08:06,500 Go! 190 00:08:12,454 --> 00:08:13,586 Mom! Mom! 191 00:08:13,654 --> 00:08:15,987 What? What are you running around crazy for? 192 00:08:16,055 --> 00:08:18,489 I'm not. I... I... I just... H-here, let me take those. 193 00:08:18,557 --> 00:08:19,989 Oh, thank you, darling. 194 00:08:20,057 --> 00:08:22,623 God forbid your father should get off his you-know-what. 195 00:08:22,691 --> 00:08:23,707 Yeah. 196 00:08:23,775 --> 00:08:25,675 Uh, you know what? Follow me into the office. 197 00:08:25,743 --> 00:08:26,743 Here we go. 198 00:08:26,776 --> 00:08:27,808 All right. 199 00:08:27,876 --> 00:08:30,076 There we go. Now we're in... in business. 200 00:08:30,145 --> 00:08:31,511 Lookin' good, huh? 201 00:08:33,113 --> 00:08:34,613 Why are we in here? 202 00:08:34,680 --> 00:08:37,113 Oh, uh, well, to tell you the truth, mom, 203 00:08:37,181 --> 00:08:38,947 Carrie and I were talking 204 00:08:39,015 --> 00:08:42,749 and, uh, we thought that you might like to... 205 00:08:44,800 --> 00:08:47,352 S-s-see our computer. 206 00:08:49,519 --> 00:08:51,920 Why, dear? 207 00:08:51,988 --> 00:08:53,821 Why? 208 00:08:53,889 --> 00:08:56,955 We're buying you one for your birthday, that's why! 209 00:08:57,023 --> 00:08:58,489 Oh, my God! 210 00:08:58,556 --> 00:09:00,590 Come on. Sit down. Try it out, see how you like it. 211 00:09:00,658 --> 00:09:03,524 That is so sweet! Yeah, sweet. 212 00:09:03,592 --> 00:09:05,826 Oh, it's nice! 213 00:09:06,828 --> 00:09:08,894 Hey, Spooner! 214 00:09:08,961 --> 00:09:10,395 Good to see you. 215 00:09:10,462 --> 00:09:12,329 Season's greetings. 216 00:09:13,097 --> 00:09:14,296 Who's this? 217 00:09:14,363 --> 00:09:16,563 A little young for you, isn't she? 218 00:09:16,631 --> 00:09:17,898 Hi, I'm Holly shumpert. 219 00:09:17,965 --> 00:09:19,166 Joe Heffernan. 220 00:09:19,233 --> 00:09:21,133 You got a couple of nice puppies there. 221 00:09:25,068 --> 00:09:27,235 Thank... oh, the dogs! The dogs, right. 222 00:09:27,303 --> 00:09:29,203 No, no. No. 223 00:09:29,271 --> 00:09:30,814 They're not mine, I'm just walking them. That's what I do. 224 00:09:30,838 --> 00:09:32,271 So you're a dog Walker? Yeah. 225 00:09:32,338 --> 00:09:33,521 And a very busy one, at that. 226 00:09:33,589 --> 00:09:34,922 Goodbye. 227 00:09:34,990 --> 00:09:37,173 So, uh, what's the deal here, Spooner? 228 00:09:37,241 --> 00:09:38,957 Are you a dog Walker, too? 229 00:09:39,025 --> 00:09:41,541 You... you two work as a team, that it? 230 00:09:42,242 --> 00:09:44,242 Not exactly, n-no. 231 00:09:44,310 --> 00:09:46,977 It's a Doug and Carrie pay m-me to... 232 00:09:47,044 --> 00:09:49,178 A-Arthur needs to get out occasionally... 233 00:09:49,246 --> 00:09:51,563 Now wait... wait... wait a second. 234 00:09:52,831 --> 00:09:55,064 Is she saying that Doug and Carrie 235 00:09:55,132 --> 00:09:59,065 pay a dog Walker to walk you? 236 00:09:59,133 --> 00:10:01,417 She does not walk me. 237 00:10:01,485 --> 00:10:02,750 She walks with me. 238 00:10:02,818 --> 00:10:04,385 If I want to go left, I go left, 239 00:10:04,452 --> 00:10:05,985 if I want to go right, I go right. 240 00:10:06,053 --> 00:10:09,920 No dog on this earth has that kind of leeway! 241 00:10:15,524 --> 00:10:17,590 You had her suitcase in this room. 242 00:10:17,658 --> 00:10:19,791 You couldn't just close the deal? 243 00:10:19,859 --> 00:10:21,659 I just froze up. 244 00:10:21,727 --> 00:10:23,993 I tried to speak, but the words wouldn't come. 245 00:10:24,061 --> 00:10:26,495 All right, forget about it. It's not the end of the world. 246 00:10:26,562 --> 00:10:28,329 By the way, we got to buy her a computer. 247 00:10:28,397 --> 00:10:29,862 Ok. 248 00:10:29,930 --> 00:10:31,096 You know what? 249 00:10:31,164 --> 00:10:33,047 If I don't get a Friggin' baby out of this, 250 00:10:33,114 --> 00:10:35,565 you are so dead. Yeah. 251 00:10:35,633 --> 00:10:37,033 All right. 252 00:10:37,935 --> 00:10:40,167 Hop on in, butch. 253 00:10:41,585 --> 00:10:42,796 Oh, God, it's creaking. 254 00:10:42,820 --> 00:10:45,020 That's ok. Just come on. It's not gonna hold us. 255 00:10:45,088 --> 00:10:46,854 Just go slow. Come on! 256 00:10:49,505 --> 00:10:51,239 You see? There, it stopped. 257 00:10:51,306 --> 00:10:53,640 'Cause I'm just lying here, but once we start doing stuff, 258 00:10:53,708 --> 00:10:56,341 it's gonna sound like geppetto's workshop in here. 259 00:10:59,144 --> 00:11:01,760 You're gonna be fine. 260 00:11:05,429 --> 00:11:06,829 You ready? Yeah. 261 00:11:06,896 --> 00:11:08,229 All right, here we go. 262 00:11:08,297 --> 00:11:09,897 Ok. Easy. 263 00:11:09,965 --> 00:11:11,297 All right. 264 00:11:13,683 --> 00:11:15,016 Ok. 265 00:11:15,084 --> 00:11:16,416 Yeah? 266 00:11:16,484 --> 00:11:18,517 Hey, Dougie, I forgot to tell you, 267 00:11:18,585 --> 00:11:20,085 I promised Lou dimaria 268 00:11:20,153 --> 00:11:22,003 that we'd go see his grandkid 269 00:11:22,070 --> 00:11:25,604 in this Christmas choir show tomorrow night. 270 00:11:25,672 --> 00:11:26,905 You remember Lou? 271 00:11:26,972 --> 00:11:28,105 Yeah, Lou. Yeah. 272 00:11:28,173 --> 00:11:29,584 Yeah. So you'll come? 273 00:11:29,608 --> 00:11:31,424 It'll mean a lot to Lou and your mother. 274 00:11:31,492 --> 00:11:32,758 Sure, dad. We're there. 275 00:11:32,825 --> 00:11:34,308 Ok. Good night. 276 00:11:34,375 --> 00:11:35,375 Good night. 277 00:11:36,277 --> 00:11:38,010 Ok. That didn't help. 278 00:11:42,345 --> 00:11:43,646 No. 279 00:11:45,180 --> 00:11:48,647 Has you dad always had those brown spots on his legs? 280 00:11:48,715 --> 00:11:50,131 I couldn't tell you. 281 00:11:50,199 --> 00:11:51,565 They could laser those right off. 282 00:11:51,633 --> 00:11:53,199 You know, this isn't helping, either. 283 00:11:53,267 --> 00:11:55,684 Ok. I'm sorry. You're right. I love you. Ok. Come on. 284 00:11:55,752 --> 00:11:56,950 I love you. 285 00:12:08,157 --> 00:12:09,723 We're getting a fax. 286 00:12:12,759 --> 00:12:14,975 This won't take long. 287 00:12:21,229 --> 00:12:23,896 We'll have sex in a minute. 288 00:12:27,065 --> 00:12:28,565 Ok. All right. 289 00:12:31,934 --> 00:12:33,267 All right. 290 00:12:37,986 --> 00:12:42,187 Ok, I'm at least 6 inches lower than last time. 291 00:12:42,256 --> 00:12:45,356 You know what? Let's just forget about this tonight, 292 00:12:45,423 --> 00:12:47,690 and tomorrow morning, we'll talk to your parents, 293 00:12:47,758 --> 00:12:50,591 tell them what's going on and have them give us our bedroom back. 294 00:12:50,659 --> 00:12:52,936 I don't want to have that conversation with them. Why not? 295 00:12:52,960 --> 00:12:55,409 'Cause I don't feel like asking them to help me have sex, ok? 296 00:12:55,477 --> 00:12:56,594 I'm funny that way. 297 00:12:56,661 --> 00:12:58,378 All right, how about this: 298 00:12:58,446 --> 00:13:00,512 Tomorrow night we blow off that choir thing, 299 00:13:00,580 --> 00:13:02,330 and we'll have the house to ourselves. 300 00:13:02,398 --> 00:13:04,764 No, we can't blow it off, it's Lou dimaria's grandkid. 301 00:13:04,831 --> 00:13:06,982 Who the hell is Lou dimaria? 302 00:13:07,050 --> 00:13:11,117 Uh, Lou dimaria of Lou dimaria Subaru? 303 00:13:12,919 --> 00:13:15,535 Oh, my God! I had no idea! 304 00:13:16,671 --> 00:13:18,953 He's an old friend of the family, ok? 305 00:13:19,021 --> 00:13:22,939 I'll get the job done now. I'll figure a way to do it. Now let's do it. 306 00:13:23,007 --> 00:13:25,307 You're hot, I love you, let's do it. All right. 307 00:13:28,910 --> 00:13:30,943 Ok. 308 00:13:31,526 --> 00:13:33,627 Yeah? 309 00:13:33,695 --> 00:13:37,445 I hear you're joining us for Lou's grandson's choir recital. 310 00:13:37,512 --> 00:13:38,695 We are so happy! 311 00:13:47,500 --> 00:13:49,533 So you want to keep going... 312 00:13:49,601 --> 00:13:52,868 I couldn't make love to Julia Roberts right now. 313 00:14:07,459 --> 00:14:09,509 Friggin' kids. 314 00:14:10,343 --> 00:14:11,677 What's the matter? 315 00:14:11,744 --> 00:14:14,495 What's the matter is, I've only got one good ovary, 316 00:14:14,562 --> 00:14:16,012 it's firing right now, 317 00:14:16,079 --> 00:14:17,963 and I'm stuck here listening to these losers. 318 00:14:18,031 --> 00:14:19,263 Come on, back it down a notch. 319 00:14:19,331 --> 00:14:22,065 I'm not gonna back it down. I want a baby. 320 00:14:22,133 --> 00:14:23,365 Can't we just get out of here? 321 00:14:23,433 --> 00:14:24,899 No. Why? 322 00:14:24,967 --> 00:14:27,134 We live 5 minutes from here. We can... 323 00:14:27,202 --> 00:14:29,468 We can go home for a half-hour, 324 00:14:29,536 --> 00:14:31,002 do what we gotta do, and get back 325 00:14:31,070 --> 00:14:33,170 before they get to the hanukkah songs. 326 00:14:34,622 --> 00:14:35,720 I don't know. 327 00:14:35,822 --> 00:14:37,488 Come on, your parents won't even notice. 328 00:14:37,556 --> 00:14:40,089 I think it's fate that we couldn't find seats next to them. 329 00:14:40,157 --> 00:14:41,657 It's like the spirit of Christmas 330 00:14:41,725 --> 00:14:44,324 is telling us to go home and squeeze in a quickie. 331 00:14:46,109 --> 00:14:47,176 All right, but be careful. 332 00:14:47,244 --> 00:14:49,077 This place is crawling with dimarias. Ok. 333 00:14:56,314 --> 00:14:57,941 And now, would you all please join us 334 00:14:57,965 --> 00:14:59,982 for our famous jingle bells dance! 335 00:15:01,283 --> 00:15:02,850 Oh, I'm sorry. 336 00:15:02,917 --> 00:15:03,983 My wife has one ovary. 337 00:15:12,621 --> 00:15:14,055 Want to dance with us, sir? 338 00:15:14,122 --> 00:15:15,922 I can't. My wife's got a bad ovary. 339 00:15:15,990 --> 00:15:16,922 Oh, come on! 340 00:15:16,990 --> 00:15:18,956 No, she really does. One bad one. 341 00:15:24,994 --> 00:15:26,861 Ok. We've got a problem. 342 00:15:26,928 --> 00:15:28,694 I only have one good ovary. 343 00:15:30,430 --> 00:15:31,628 Oh, my! 344 00:15:31,697 --> 00:15:34,429 Yeah, and we're trying to make you a grandkid, 345 00:15:34,497 --> 00:15:36,263 but it turns out these 3 days, 346 00:15:36,331 --> 00:15:38,264 the 3 days that you guys are here, 347 00:15:38,332 --> 00:15:41,633 are our last shot to conceive for a couple of months. 348 00:15:41,700 --> 00:15:45,034 Actually, we're down to one night now. 349 00:15:45,102 --> 00:15:46,818 I told you it wasn't Dougie. 350 00:15:52,222 --> 00:15:55,139 We're so sorry. What can we do to help? 351 00:15:55,206 --> 00:15:56,672 Well, um, 352 00:15:56,740 --> 00:15:59,791 a little more privacy might make it easier for us. 353 00:15:59,858 --> 00:16:02,142 Why didn't you say so in the first place? 354 00:16:02,209 --> 00:16:04,010 Joe, maybe we should go to a hotel. 355 00:16:04,077 --> 00:16:05,593 What? Why? 356 00:16:05,661 --> 00:16:06,977 Why? 357 00:16:07,045 --> 00:16:09,678 'Cause Dougie can't make love with us across the hall. 358 00:16:11,847 --> 00:16:13,830 Why the hell not? He did it in high school. 359 00:16:13,897 --> 00:16:15,931 Never! Sure! 360 00:16:15,999 --> 00:16:18,266 With that, uh, that girl that played lacrosse. 361 00:16:18,334 --> 00:16:20,250 What was her name, son? 362 00:16:20,385 --> 00:16:21,450 Betsy Keenan. 363 00:16:21,518 --> 00:16:22,700 Yeah, that's right! 364 00:16:22,768 --> 00:16:24,801 They were in the den. I heard 'em plain as day. 365 00:16:24,970 --> 00:16:27,220 You fell asleep watching Carson. 366 00:16:28,488 --> 00:16:31,766 I had no idea. 367 00:16:31,790 --> 00:16:33,505 I hope you used ñprotection, dear. 368 00:16:33,674 --> 00:16:34,889 Oh, God. 369 00:16:37,893 --> 00:16:40,158 I got it, darling. 370 00:16:40,226 --> 00:16:41,826 Oh, good morning, Holly. Hi. 371 00:16:41,894 --> 00:16:43,027 I'll see you all later. 372 00:16:43,095 --> 00:16:44,928 Whoa, whoa, whoa, hold up there, Spooner. 373 00:16:44,996 --> 00:16:47,096 Janet, this is the one I was telling you about, 374 00:16:47,163 --> 00:16:49,129 the one that walks Arthur. 375 00:16:49,197 --> 00:16:50,990 Hi, happy holidays! 376 00:16:51,014 --> 00:16:52,080 Hi. 377 00:16:52,148 --> 00:16:53,648 Hey, I could use some fresh air. 378 00:16:53,716 --> 00:16:55,782 You mind if I join you on the walk? 379 00:16:56,750 --> 00:16:58,182 No, I don't mind. 380 00:16:58,250 --> 00:16:59,618 Terrific! All right! 381 00:16:59,684 --> 00:17:02,018 I'll see you all in a couple hours, huh? 382 00:17:06,288 --> 00:17:08,138 Ok. Here's an idea. 383 00:17:08,205 --> 00:17:10,481 How about if Joe and I go out to dinner tonight with Arthur 384 00:17:10,505 --> 00:17:12,205 and leave the whole house to you kids? 385 00:17:12,273 --> 00:17:14,941 And you can take your bedroom back, too. 386 00:17:15,008 --> 00:17:17,192 That would be perfect, Janet. Thank you. 387 00:17:17,259 --> 00:17:18,425 Our pleasure. 388 00:17:18,493 --> 00:17:19,592 So. 389 00:17:19,660 --> 00:17:22,127 What time do you need us to stay out until? 390 00:17:22,195 --> 00:17:23,695 Uh, midnight, 1 A.M.? 391 00:17:23,762 --> 00:17:25,845 That's crazy. Don't have to stay out that late. 392 00:17:25,913 --> 00:17:28,646 Well, how much time do you need, Doug? 393 00:17:31,182 --> 00:17:33,849 Definitely not till midnight. Ok. 394 00:17:36,785 --> 00:17:39,151 Uh, come back at 9:00. 9:00 is good. 395 00:17:39,219 --> 00:17:40,135 9:00? 396 00:17:40,203 --> 00:17:42,136 Speedy Gonzales here. 397 00:17:51,125 --> 00:17:53,224 Doug, it's 8:25. I know. 398 00:17:53,291 --> 00:17:55,858 They're gonna be back at 9:00. I know that. 399 00:17:55,926 --> 00:17:58,210 I'm obviously having a little problem here. 400 00:17:58,277 --> 00:17:59,577 8:26. 401 00:17:59,645 --> 00:18:02,005 I don't understand this. I've never had this problem before. 402 00:18:02,029 --> 00:18:04,456 Actually, you have, honey. 403 00:18:04,480 --> 00:18:05,896 Ok. That time doesn't count. 404 00:18:05,963 --> 00:18:08,631 The mets had just lost the world series. 405 00:18:08,699 --> 00:18:10,899 What are you so stressed about, anyway? 406 00:18:10,966 --> 00:18:12,400 Nobody's home. 407 00:18:12,467 --> 00:18:14,700 Y-your parents are out having a nice dinner with my dad. 408 00:18:14,801 --> 00:18:17,251 Exactly. They're out, so I can be here having sex with you. 409 00:18:17,318 --> 00:18:19,052 That's the entire purpose of the dinner! 410 00:18:19,119 --> 00:18:21,020 Do you realize the pressure that puts on me? 411 00:18:21,087 --> 00:18:22,720 Doug. 412 00:18:22,788 --> 00:18:25,448 Doug, they're not even thinking about you. 413 00:18:25,472 --> 00:18:26,889 They're probably obsessing 414 00:18:26,956 --> 00:18:29,139 over how little they can leave the waiter. 415 00:18:29,207 --> 00:18:30,806 Believe me, they're talking about us. 416 00:18:30,874 --> 00:18:32,858 "So, you think they made us a grandchild yet, 417 00:18:32,892 --> 00:18:34,375 or should we get some more coffee?" 418 00:18:34,442 --> 00:18:35,743 "I don't know. Ask Spooner." 419 00:18:35,811 --> 00:18:37,893 "I invented coffee!" 420 00:18:39,795 --> 00:18:41,229 It's 8:27. 421 00:18:41,297 --> 00:18:42,729 It's 8:27! 422 00:18:42,797 --> 00:18:46,730 Come on. Come on. Damn you! 423 00:18:46,798 --> 00:18:49,399 Doug, that is not gonna help you relax. 424 00:18:49,466 --> 00:18:52,850 Oh, damn you. 425 00:18:52,918 --> 00:18:55,519 Doug, listen to me. Listen to me. 426 00:18:55,586 --> 00:18:58,853 Just forget about everything, everyone, ok? 427 00:18:58,921 --> 00:19:00,887 It's just you and me here. 428 00:19:00,955 --> 00:19:03,621 Just come back to bed. Ok? 429 00:19:03,689 --> 00:19:06,973 Ok. All right. 430 00:19:07,041 --> 00:19:09,174 Let me fluff up your pillow 431 00:19:09,242 --> 00:19:11,674 the way you like it. All right? Okey-doke. 432 00:19:11,743 --> 00:19:12,675 What was that? 433 00:19:12,744 --> 00:19:13,909 No. It's done. It's done. 434 00:19:13,977 --> 00:19:15,509 Oh, my God. It's my mother's pajamas! 435 00:19:15,577 --> 00:19:17,077 Oh, my God! Mama's p.J.S. 436 00:19:17,145 --> 00:19:19,112 All gone! All gone! Mama's p.J.S! No! 437 00:19:19,179 --> 00:19:21,012 All gone! All gone! All gone! 438 00:19:21,080 --> 00:19:24,014 Ok? All right. No... no... no. 439 00:19:24,082 --> 00:19:25,915 Come back to bed. Come on. 440 00:19:25,982 --> 00:19:27,015 This way, baby. 441 00:19:27,083 --> 00:19:30,016 That's right. Come to mama. 442 00:19:30,084 --> 00:19:31,817 Sorry. Bad choice of words. 443 00:19:33,085 --> 00:19:36,019 All right. Now, listen to me, you. 444 00:19:36,087 --> 00:19:40,855 You are the most wonderful man I've ever known. 445 00:19:40,922 --> 00:19:43,839 And there's nothing I want more right now 446 00:19:43,906 --> 00:19:45,689 than to make a baby with you. 447 00:19:45,757 --> 00:19:49,925 The thing is, we only have 20 minutes. 448 00:19:51,143 --> 00:19:52,193 Ok? 449 00:19:52,260 --> 00:19:55,478 So help me help you. 450 00:19:57,079 --> 00:19:58,479 Ok. 451 00:19:58,547 --> 00:20:00,079 How's that? 452 00:20:00,147 --> 00:20:03,048 Hmm, well, that's... That's good right there. 453 00:20:03,115 --> 00:20:04,448 All right. 454 00:20:04,516 --> 00:20:07,399 Now, you just think real sexy thoughts. 455 00:20:07,467 --> 00:20:09,000 Ok. Like what? 456 00:20:09,068 --> 00:20:11,818 Um, think of Alyssa Milano. 457 00:20:11,903 --> 00:20:13,369 Huh? She's hot, 458 00:20:13,437 --> 00:20:15,919 plus her last name's a cookie. 459 00:20:17,038 --> 00:20:19,422 Ohhh, yeah. Ok. 460 00:20:20,323 --> 00:20:21,722 Oh, that's good. 461 00:20:21,790 --> 00:20:23,056 I know. 462 00:20:26,092 --> 00:20:27,425 Why can't we go in? 463 00:20:27,493 --> 00:20:29,176 Hear something? Yeah. 464 00:20:29,244 --> 00:20:30,259 What is that? 465 00:20:30,327 --> 00:20:33,295 You know what? I... I... I don't know. 466 00:20:33,362 --> 00:20:34,528 Where's it coming from? 467 00:20:34,596 --> 00:20:37,563 Why can't we go in? 468 00:20:37,630 --> 00:20:39,564 Because we're not supposed to be back 469 00:20:39,631 --> 00:20:41,131 for another 25 minutes. 470 00:20:41,232 --> 00:20:43,365 They're trying to make a baby. 471 00:20:43,433 --> 00:20:44,593 I'm freezing here! 472 00:20:44,617 --> 00:20:46,034 Then take a walk. 473 00:20:46,101 --> 00:20:48,901 Or do you only like to do that when a pretty girl takes you? 474 00:20:48,968 --> 00:20:51,269 Finally, someone had the guts to say it! 475 00:20:52,904 --> 00:20:56,538 We are just gonna stand here and wait here until 9:00 476 00:20:56,605 --> 00:20:58,539 because that is what Dougie needs. 477 00:21:16,364 --> 00:21:17,997 Meet you back here in a couple months. 478 00:21:18,065 --> 00:21:20,331 You got it. Ok. 479 00:21:35,689 --> 00:21:38,539 Carrie! I'm ready! 480 00:21:42,659 --> 00:21:44,893 So, your whole family's back in Maine, huh? 481 00:21:44,960 --> 00:21:46,626 Yep. All 13 of them. 482 00:21:46,695 --> 00:21:48,671 I'm the only one not still working at the fish hatchery. 483 00:21:48,695 --> 00:21:49,995 Fish hatchery, huh? 484 00:21:50,063 --> 00:21:51,562 What is that, COD country up there? 485 00:21:51,629 --> 00:21:52,962 Bluefish, mostly. 486 00:21:53,831 --> 00:21:55,130 Don't worry, fellas. 487 00:21:55,198 --> 00:21:57,498 He's just flavor of the month. 488 00:21:57,565 --> 00:21:59,765 Flavor of the month.