Annoying.
Come on, I'm helping.
I'm turning the pain of packing
into the Carrie Heffernan travelin' blues.
What do you do with these lawyers for a whole week, anyway?
Oh, we have a bunch of meetings, depositions.
And love affairs?
Hmm. Actually, now that you mention it,
toss me back those black Lacy panties.
I can't believe you're goin' away on the one week
my parents are comin' to visit.
They're gonna be so bummed.
Honey, I'm sorry. It's not my fault.
It's a last minute thing.
Now I gotta take care of them all by myself.
I mean, I... I can't do that.
What do you feed parents?
It's not that hard. You go to the grocery store,
you get something like chicken,
you expose it to heat, and then you serve it.
You'll be fine.
Whoa. What's this?
That's a love note. Don't read that now.
You'll embarrass me.
"Try to bring me home a Chicago-style pizza."
See, now I'm embarrassed.
Hey, guy, how's my truck lookin'?
Almost loaded.
Hey! Hey! What do I do with this?
It's coded for our depot, but the address is sector 7.
J-Jimmy, Jimmy, Jimmy.
What's my job here? You're a driver.
Yeah. And what does he do?
Well, he's wearin' the big black belt.
So I guess that makes him a loader.
Now Danny, if your job was to mow the white house lawn,
would you ask the president what to do with the clippings?
No.
The unwritten rules, my friend,
the unwritten rules. All right.
What's up?
What's up, bridesmaid?
So your, uh, folks roll into town yet?
Nah, they're comin' in today. Oh, but it turns out.
Carrie's gotta go on this business trip,
so I gotta be their Mr. Belvedere all week.
You can't just suck it up for a week?
I mean, they took care of you for 18 years, right?
Actually, 27.
Ok, don't all jump up at once. I'm only the boss.
What do you got there, Mr. O'Boyle?
Safety manuals for the test.
W-What test?
All right, guys. As all of you,
except for Heffernan, probably knows,
the company's goin' with another insurance carrier.
So you're gonna need these manuals
for the test on basic safety practices on Wednesday.
Well, grumble all you want,
but you fail, you're off the road for 3 months.
Speakin' of which, why aren't you on the road right now?
Let's go! Let's go! Let's go!
I can't believe this crap.
I've been drivin' my truck for 8 years.
Now they wanna see if I know how to use it?
I specifically took this job so I wouldn't have to read.
Does anybody wanna form a study group?
Anybody wanna wear a dress?
Wow, these legs are really scuffed.
Do you happen to know where my son keeps his varnish?
That would be in the unventilated basement
where they make me sleep.
Ok, here's the problem. No support screws.
No wonder the darn thing's wobbly.
Spooner, could you pass me a screwdriver?
I wasn't aware I was your apprentice, but very well.
Actually, I need a Phillips head.
You know what's funny?
For 25 years, I owned a hardware store.
I could never figure out
why the heck we needed 2 types of screwdrivers.
You ran a successful business. I get it.
I mean, everybody would get along just fine
with one screwdriver,
and then this guy, Phillips, comes along,
convinces the world that we need a 2nd screwdriver.
Maybe I should go out there
and invent a "Joe's" head screwdriver,
make a million bucks for myself.
Oh, is it 6:00 already? Forgive me. I have to run.
Where you goin'?
Uh, a meeting at the senior center.
We're unhappy with the pudding vendor.
We're thinkin' of makin' a change.
Hey! Hey! I'm home!
Oh, Dougie! Great to see you!
Oh, sorry I'm late. I had to stop at a couple of stores.
When is Carrie gettin' home?
Oh, y-y-you're not gonna believe this.
She's in Chicago for the week with her law firm.
She's totally gonna miss your visit.
Aw, fiddlesticks.
It's ok. It's ok. I got some stuff.
You're gonna be all taken care of here.
I got some vegetables, uh, soap,
a chicken, and some sheets.
Carrie said we had, uh, extra sheets, but I couldn't find 'em.
Honey, they're in the hall closet.
I already made the bed.
Oh. All right.
Well, ok. But I am making dinner, ok?
So let me just pop this thing in the microwave
and we will be good to go. Ok.
I don't see a chicken button.
Dougie, come on. Let me make the dinner.
No, ma, you're a guest in my house, ok?
Let me host you.
And you are very sweet, but I am the mother here,
and I'm pullin' rank on you.
Let me do what I do, and you do what you do, ok?
Oh, yeah! Touchdown!
Oh, I stopped your ass!
Dougie. Sorry, ma.
Is this all the laundry what was up in the hamper?
Ma, dinner was great.
You don't have to do my laundry. This is crazy.
Come on! This is my joy.
Really?
You think your joy would mind washing my uniform?
It's on the floor in my bedroom.
My son, the slob.
Hello? Hey, Spence, what's up?
You know what? No, I can't. My... my parents are here.
Nah, it's goin' great.
It's just like being back in high school again,
except with less acne.
And now I've actually seen a naked girl.
You know what? I'll... I'll ask.
Ma!
Can Spence come over for dinner tomorrow?
Sure.
Hey, you should invite the whole gang like you used to.
Oh, Joe, isn't this fun?
Don't invite Spencer. He's weird.
Let it go, Joe. He was in junior high.
He was just curious about his body.
Why did he have to be curious in my bathroom,
with the door unlocked?
Ma, as long as you're doin' dinner and laundry,
what are the odds I could score some lemon squares?
Already in the oven.
I love you!
I love you, too, baby.
Hello?
Anybody here?
Young man, do you work here?
Yeah. Yeah. I'm comin'.
Hey, what's up?
Catchin' a smoke back there, huh?
Um, yeah.
I notice you roll your own cigarettes.
Must save you a bundle.
Yeah.
A. Spooner.
Owen.
Let me ask you this, Owen.
How many types of screwdrivers do you carry here?
Uh, 2.
The regular kind,
and, uh, the other kind.
I see. Now what if I told you there was a new product
poised to set the screwdriver world on its ears?
It's called the "Arthur's" head.
Would you have room on your shelves
for something like that?
I guess so.
That's the answer I was lookin' for.
So long story short, we gotta go in
a half hour early tomorrow to take a test
just so the company can save, like, 7 million bucks.
You think we're gonna see any of that in our paychecks?
Don't think so.
That is some nice hand lotion you have in the bathroom.
Oh, geez.
Mrs. Heffernan, dinner was amazing.
Oh, please. It's my pleasure. I'll second that, Janet.
You guys wanna hit coopers, play some pool?
Oh, yeah, I'm in.
Let's hurry up and grab a table.
Let's get goin'.
Dougie? Yeah?
Shouldn't you be studyin'?
For what?
For your test. It's tomorrow.
I'll study later.
You know, y-you're not a great test taker.
It's a test about driving. I'm a driver.
Douglas, I feel very strongly that you should not
go play pool with your friends right now.
Tough. I'm goin'.
Joe, would you say something?
What do you want from me?
I want you to put down your g.D. Newspaper
and tell your son to study.
Your mother wants you to study.
Would you guys get off my case?
I'm 34-and-a-half. God!
All right. You got 30 minutes.
After that, pencils down.
No talking. No belching.
This is serious business, people.
All right. Begin.
Heffernan!
Yeah. Ok. Almost done.
Oh, hi, Dougie. How was work?
Uh, it was good. I'm gonna go upstairs and shower.
Wait. How did your test go?
Uh, well, uh...
They, uh, cancelled it.
Really? Why?
I don't know why. They didn't tell us.
I mean, why are our trucks green?
They didn't tell us that, either. Ok, I gotta go.
Oh, good morning, Joseph.
I see your chair's holding up well.
Kudos on your craftsmanship.
Thanks.
Anyway, remember the other day
we were kicking around an idea
about an alternate screwdriver?
What?
I think you may have called it the "Joe's" head.
That? I was joking.
Well, then, if someone were to develop
a "Joe's" head
or let's say an "ar-nold's" head screwdriver,
but, uh, you'd have no problem with that, huh?
Not really. No.
Would you sign this document to that effect?
What's this?
It's a standard release form.
I'm not signin' this.
Oh, really? So I go out and do all the heavy lifting
to get this thing to work,
then you come in at the end
and claim all the profits. Is that it?
You're out of your mind.
I've never been more in my mind.
You want me to sign this? All right.
Buy me out. 10 bucks.
5.10.
Deal.
So you got all those, uh, packages sorted by priority code?
Yeah.
All right.
I'll make a belt guy out of you yet.
Hey, I'm not a belt guy, ok?
I'm a driver who's wearin' a belt for 3 months.
Ok, ok.
Hey, belty!
Hey, so how's my truck lookin'?
I... I need, like, 10 more minutes.
Let me know when it's done. I'm gonna grab some coffee.
All right. Go have your precious coffee.
Yo, what's up with you, man?
I... I didn't make you fail the test.
No, but you know what? You're the one who said this whole thing was b.S.
And that we should go play pool.
Now all of a sudden, you're drivin', and I'm loadin'.
I guess I'm just wonderin' how that all happened?
I guess it happened because I'm not a moron.
So I took 5 minutes to look at the manual.
"Oh, Mr. O'Boyle, I love you,
especially that part."
Yeah. Yeah.
I'm gonna assume that's just the belt talkin', man.
Look at that, Heffernan.
You finally got a bra for your belly.
Give him a break, huh? It's not easy for him
when I'm drivin' his truck!
You guys are pretty funny, you know that?
You talk pretty tough, but you know what?
I don't hear anybody talkin' crap up here on the loadin' dock.
I don't see you up here, apple bow.
Doug? Shouldn't you be gettin' to work?
Honey, why aren't you up yet?
I don't feel good.
What's wrong?
I got a cough here, and I... I... I got chills,
and I threw up in my throat a little.
You know, you feel a little warm.
Maybe you should stay home from work.
Ok.
Good. I'll make you some tea with honey.
It'll help settle your stomach.
Say "ah."
Ah. There you go.
Hello?
Oh, hi, Mr. O'Boyle.
Uh, this is Doug's mother.
Ok. Um, he should call you
and tell you where last month's t-11's are.
Got it. Oh, he's fine.
He should be back behind the wheel in a day or 2.
What?
No, I was not aware of that.
Don't go away. We'll be right back
with more of our flintstones marathon after this.
Yabba-dabba-delightful.
Doug!
Uh, come in.
Hello, dear. How was your toast?
I got... I got it down.
I just had a very interesting conversation with Mr. O'Boyle.
Oh, God.
I want you to know I am very disappointed in you
not that you failed the test, but that you lied to me.
I'm... I'm sorry I lied, but it's... it's your fault.
How is it my fault?
You got in my head, tellin' me all that stuff
about how I'm a bad test taker.
Did I tell you to go play pool with your buddies?
No.
What's goin' on in here?
Joe, can I talk to you? In private?
Why don't you leave him alone? He's sick.
He's not sick.
What do you mean?
He failed that test. He was fakin' it.
Oh, for cryin' out loud!
How does a driver fail a driving test?
Shh. Don't yell at him.
We're only gonna push him further away.
What is wrong with that kid?
We had him tested.
He's got a short attention span.
Nah, that's just a fancy way of sayin' that he's stupid.
Hearing you!
Ah, just the man I wanted to see.
Hey, what's up?
I have something to show you,
vis-a-vis our conversation the other day.
What?
Meet the future.
The prototype of the Arthur's head screwdriver.
Oh. Oh, yeah.
I fashioned it from an old typewriter key.
You see, the letter "a" on the screwdriver
will fit into the corresponding "a" hole
in the "Arthur's" head screw.
Cool.
So, uh, how many units would be an appropriate first order
for an item of this magnitude?
I don't know.
Ballpark.
10,000? Really?
My heart's beatin' like a rabbit.
We'll be in touch.
Yahoo!
One other thing.
You guys gotta get your paperwork straight.
If you wanna get paid your overtime,
you gotta fill out all 3 forms:
The pink, the blue, and the green.
The pink goes in my box, the blue goes upstairs,
the green is for your files
for those of you with filing cabinets,
which I'm guessing is not too many.
Hello.
Can I help you?
I'm just here to see Douglas.
I'm his mother.
Well, I'm done here. Back to work.
Ma, what are you doing here?
You forgot your lunch.
I gotta run, ok?
Ok, fine. See you for dinner.
No!
Fine. Goodbye.
Mom, no!
The thing is, I don't think Doug's performance on a test
is really indicative of what he's capable of.
I hope not.
He got the lowest score in the borough.
Is there any way
that Doug could take that test again?
I don't know. He's really supposed to wait 3 months.
Mr. O'Boyle, do you have children?
A couple of boys, 17 and 2.
Well, then, you must understand
as a parent what this is like.
Sometimes children lose their way,
and they need a helpin' hand, you know?
And I'm sure that you would want
someone to do it for your boys.
Yeah, well, maybe I can work somethin' out,
but if he fails the test again,
I'm screwed to the wall.
Believe me, Doug will not take the test
so lightly this time, will you, Doug?
I won't.
You won't what?
I won't take the test so lightly this time.
What is the minimum tread depth for tires?
4/32 of an inch for the front tires,
2/32 of an inch for the rear.
Very good! You're gettin' there, kiddo!
Hey, we're gonna go shoot some hoops.
Doug.
I gotta study.
All right. L-later, man.
Yeah. Oh, hey, uh,
could I use your bathroom real quick?
Oh, here we go again.
You know, ok, that's it. You know what?
I... I didn't know you were home that day, all right?
Victoria principal was on the cover of TV guide.
Don't define me by one moment of weakness.
Let me live!
I'm sorry. You're right, son. I apologize.
Thank you.
Um, well, is it cool if I use the bathroom?
I'd rather you didn't.
Loser buys the wings.
Gonna be you, sucker.
Shotgun!
Come on. We got more to do.
Ok, where were we?
Ah, chapter 4. "Load management."
Hello?
I'm sorry. Doug can't talk on the phone.
Because he can't socialize
until he's finished studying for his test.
You'll have to call back.
All right, where were we? Chapter 4.
Hello?
Can I speak to my husband, please?
All right. It's Carrie. Make it quick.
Hey.
You can't socialize?
She's just mad at me 'cause I failed my I.P.S. Test,
and she had to go in there
and get O'Boyle to give me another shot,
and now she won't let me
play basketball with the guys 'cause I gotta study.
It sucks.
What the hell is going on over there?
Please come home.
That's 3.