Oh, not tonight!
Not tonight!
Hello.
Hey, honey. Listen, I have a problem.
Yeah, tell me about it. I can't find the salsa.
What?!
I bought salsa yesterday, and it disappeared.
It's gone!
Ok, well, I'm sorry to bother you
during this very difficult time.
Uh, but I just found out that I have to work late tonight,
so I'm not gonna be able to pick up your mother from the airport.
Well, I-I can't, either! I got a poker game!
Calm down. I will call a cab for your mother. Ok?
Ok. That solves the easy problem.
All right. I gotta go.
Sure! Just run away like you always do!
Ok. Bye-bye. Bye-bye, now.
Yeah-
hey.
Oh, great. Those idiots
didn't order enough sandwiches.
Oh. Well, I can double your sandwiches right now.
Great idea. Yeah?
And then I will put them on smaller plates.
That makes everything look bigger.
I try that trick with my husband. Doesn't work. Oh, yeah.
Oh... thanks for stayin' late.
It's been crazy around here,
what with Tom Weaver leaving.
Uh, Sherry. Yes.
I- I was wondering if, uh-
and you can tell me if this is stupid-
but do you think that I would be considered
for Mr. Weaver's job?
Excuse me.
Dugan group.
I found the salsa.
And I know I said some things
maybe, in the heat of the moment-
so, anyway... You were saying?
I think you would be a great candidate for the job.
Really?
Of course, you'd have to familiarize
yourself with Tom's projects.
Yeah. Of course. Yeah.
But I have to tell you, there is one thing
that might weigh against you with the hiring committee.
Oh. What?
I don't want to hurt your feelings.
Oh, no. No. Tell me.
Well, the thing is, I know how bright and talented you are, but
the committee, uh, might not be able to appreciate that
because of the way you... talk.
What? The way I tawk?
What's wrong with the way I tawk?
Carrie, this is a real estate company,
and when I hear you say, um,
"you know what I'm tawkin' about?"
And "how about this Friggin' we at huh?"
It sounds like you'd be more at home unloading trucks
at the fish market.
Ok. I get it. Or, you know,
mixing cement. Mmhh.
I - I get it. Thank you so much, Shelly. Yeah.
Work on that. All right. Ok.
Ok.
I'm gonna... I'm gonna raise 2.
I fold. Yeah, me, too.
You know what, Doug, my boy?
I am all in.
W- what are you doin'?
Just in case you try to read these eyes.
Thank God I got the flop sweat
and the shaky hands to fall back on.
I call.
Dammit!
Doug?!
Yeah, ma?
Do you know what channel my show's on?
I'm not sure, but I'm-I'm gonna guess lifetime.
Hey, babe.
Hi. Yeah, that's it, Spence.
Put the drink next to the coaster.
What's the matter?
Do you know what my boss told me today?
That I can't get a promotion because of the way I tawk.
Do I tawk so Friggin' bad?
Do I?
No, it's...
It's like music. Oh, shut up.
Honey, I pushed a button on the remote,
and now the screen is blue.
No, see, you gotta hit "tv/video"
and make sure it's on channel 3.
Oh. And don't make any plans for tomorrow afternoon.
They're havin' a winter coat sale at
big-and-tall shop.
Ok, first off, I have a winter coat.
And second, they know I'm big.
I only come up a few times a year.
We never get to spend any time together.
What do you call this?
Spence, it's to you. Uh...
You know what?
I'm gonna take a little break.
Wait a second. You can't.
We're in the middle of a tournament here.
I can sit in for him.
We play hold 'em all the time at the condo.
Thank you, Janet.
Let's see what we got here.
What just happened here?
Carrie, you're not gonna find the answer
to your problems in a bottle of pills.
It's chewable vitamin c. Can I help you?
No, but...
I can help you lose that accent.
What are you talkin' about?
We moved here when I was 10.
And before that, I lived in a rural county in West Virginia,
and baack than, I tawked like the-is.
Really?
It's true. But I realized
if I didn't do something about it,
I was gonna end up like all my friends-
working down in the mines, never seeing the light of day.
But don't you work in the subway?
Well, yes-
and don't miners make a lot of money?
Roughly double what I make,
but the point is...
I taught myself to speak better, and I can teach you, too.
I - I don't know. The interview's in a week.
I can't learn a whole new way to tawk by then.
Tawk. Oh, my God. I sound like Stallone.
Carrie. You're smart. You're hardworking.
You can do this.
You really think so? Yes.
But understand one thing.
You must surrender yourself to me...
Totally.
Hi. Hey.
Here's the money I owe aunt Janet.
Tell her congrats.
Yeah, last night she won back
all the money she ever gave me
for birthdays, graduation,
and both of my weddings.
Yeah. She took me for 35 bucks, too,
but she said I could pay her in hugs.
Can I pay her in hugs?
No.
Then I gotta give her a check.
Phwooh.
Whoa. Yeah.
Could you ask her not to cash it for a few days?
I gotta move some stuff around.
Hey, you know what?
You should get her into that high-stakes game
they have in the back room of o'dooley's.
What?
Yeah. I mean, think about it.
You-you bankroll her.
They'd never see her comin'. You-you'd clean up.
You know, maybe you're right.
Yeah, and... if she wins at o'dooley's,
that could just be the start of it.
Yeah! You could ride your mom all the way to Vegas!
I wouldn't put it that way, but yeah!
Let's work on your trouble words again.
Tawk.
I'm-I'm sorry, did we start
spelling "talk" t-a-w-k
and no one told me?
No. Try it again. Ok.
Talk? Don't-
don't pronounce the "I." Just suggest it.
Tak?
Please tell me that was a joke.
No! Look, I'm trying! I don't know what you want from me!
W- what I want from you is to try
a little muscle memory. Ok? Let me...
Let me adjust your palate...
And... try the second word.
Cawfee.
Ok, hang on.
And... again.
Coffee.
And...
All right.
Here we go.
Coffee.
All right, you know what?
Get your stubby fingers off-a me. All right?
No. Stubby fingers off of me.
Ok, you know what? This is not gonna work,
so why don't you take your posters
and your model of the human throat
and just get the hell outta here, ok?
Fine. But I suggest you start practicing this phrase:
"I will be getting people cawfee
for the rest of my life."
Let's keep working.
Good. Uh, I'll go get the tongue clamp.
Should I go over my breathing exercises again?
I don't know.
If you want to.
Look... I'm sorry I bit you.
It's ok. My... fingers were in there pretty deep.
You know what? You were right. I can't do this.
I'm-I'm gonna live in Queens forever.
I'm gonna be a secretary forever.
I'm gonna be married to Doug forever.
Oh, shut up. I'm tired.
Hello.
No, I'm sorry. I-I can't talk now.
Ok. Bye-bye.
What?
You can't what now?
I can't talk now.
I can't talk now!
No, you can talk now! Oh, my God!
Here, let's-let's try our practice sentence.
Oh, I'm scared!
Just-just do it. Ok.
I talked with Audrey
over coffee.
Once more.
I talked with Audrey over coffee!
Oh, my God! I can say it! I can say it! Yes, you can!
God, you're beautiful.
Hi, Doug. Hey, ma.
What are you-what are you doin'?
Oh, the hamper was full, so I did the laundry.
I hope Carrie won't be mad.
She's usually a good sport about that kind of stuff.
Listen, I didn't fly you all the way in from Florida
for you to do laundry. You're-you're here to have a good time,
so... whatever you want to do, you-you just name it.
How about dinner and a show?
Ehhhhh...
I've been dyin' to see spamalot.
I'm talkin' somethin' exciting!
Come on, something different! You know?
Maybe something that's, like, I don't know,
sweepin' the nation or somethin'.
Hey! How about we play Texas hold 'em?
I'm still comin' off the high of last night!
Really? I-I thought I embarrassed ya.
Embarrassed me? What poker game were you at?
What's goin' on, Doug?
All right, look.
There's this high-stakes game
that I-i just want you to play in.
What? Why?
'Cause, look,
you're a sweet old lady from Florida.
They'll never expect you to be good. We can clean up!
Oh, no, no. I could never do anything like that.
It seems dishonest.
Dishonest? Oh, but you're ok
hosting unlicensed tupperware parties in your basement?
That was one time.
Look, I'm uncomfortable with this whole subject,
so let's just drop it. Ok?
Ok, but you know what? It's just that you're always sayin'
that I never spend enough time with you, you know,
and now I come up with somethin' that we can do together,
and what do you do? You just shoot me down right away.
You know? I just... I don't know how to please you.
I don't know how.
Oh, dear.
I... I didn't want to hurt your feelings.
Well, you did.
So you really want me to do this?
Yeah. And look, it's not just about the money.
It's about us getting closer. You know?
Well...
How much is the buy-in?
Just a thousand bucks.
Where you gonna get a thousand dollars?
Yes, I'd like to place an order
for a quart of egg drop soup,
some sweet-and-sour pork,
and 2 coffees.
Do you need me to repeat that? Because I can.
You were awesome today, ma.
Oh, stop it.
You know, I really felt
badly about takin' that young man's tuition money.
Hey, I never finished college, and look how I turned out.
Whassup?!
Anyway, time for you to go to bed,
so I'm gonna go upstairs and blow up your mattress.
I'm so keyed up! I hope I can fall asleep.
Oh, don't you worry. I'll give you a little blue pill.
You wash it down with a Martini.
I'll have to wake you up with a shovel.
Well... Oh, hey, Janet.
Oh, Carrie.
Me and Doug have been spendin' so much time together,
I feel like I haven't said a word to you.
Oh, that's ok.
No, no. I'll make a pot of cawfee,
and you and I can have a nice long tawk.
Actually, um, I ordered coffee.
You ordered cawfee?
That's crazy tawk.
I can make you some cawfee right-
ok. How about some tea? That'd be great.
Okeydoke. I'll put a kettle on.
Oh. You know who we sawr today,
in midtown, wawkin' right down the street?
Bea art huh.
She's the lady who played mauwde.
Uh... yeah.
You watched mauwde, right?
Uh-huh. She was wahkin' her dawg.
A yowrkie, I think.
Hey. Ma tell you we saw maude?
Yes. We covered that. Listen, um...
I'm gonna need her outta here. What?
Her accent. It's screwin' me all up.
Just tell her we're gonna put her
in a nice hotel or somethin'.
No way, Carrie. Look, I do not
want to upset her. Ok? We got
a very important game tomorrow night.
What about me, Doug?
I have one of the biggest interviews of my life tomorrow.
Listen, I love you for dreamin',
but the smart money's on my ma.
She could be our ticket outta here!
I can't believe you! Oh, my gawd-
oh, my gawd. Oh, my God.
Oh, I gotta listen to my tape.
Yeah, yeah. You go. Go.
It's 10 to you, Doug.
No. I, uh... I fold again.
Gotta stay in it to win it, my man.
Yeah. Stop dealin' me ass, and I will.
Doug! Language!
Sorry. Thanks again for lettin' me bring my mom in here.
I would've left her in the car, but... she wanders.
Ok, Doug, deal 'em up.
Oh. Yeah, let's do it.
Let's turn this luck around, huh?
You ok?
Yeah. I'm fine.
Mmhh.
You-you sure?
Yeah. Fine. Absolutely.
Mmhh.
Just, uh...
gettin' a little wave of somethin'.
Anybody else eat fish from that cart outside?
Hey, man!
Why'ntcha go to the bathroom or something?
Yeah, you want me to leave now
when my luck's changin', don't you?
Oh, come on, man! G-come on! Jeez!
All right, all right, all right.
I'm just gonna...
Get a little fresh air.
Mom, why don't you sit in for me for a hand?
What, dear?
She know how to play?
Yeah. She plays all the time
back home in Florida.
Uh, just for condo fun-bucks.
Just-come on. One hand, ma. Ohhh...
Well, all right. I'll- I'll give it a whirl.
You may have to help me with what beats what.
And I spent 7 years, uh, as a legal secretary
at Kaplan, hornstein, and steckler.
And I've been at the dug an group now for 2 years.
Well,
Sherry Conrad
seems to think the world of you. Oh...
Well, she is a wonderful mentor.
So, Carrie, what do you think
you can bring to this position?
Well, um, I know a large part of my job
would be speaking to clients.
And, as you can see, my speaking...
Really... Speaks for itself.
I assume you have familiarized yourself
with Tom Weaver's files?
Files?
You know...
With all his development projects.
Of course.
Talk to us about phase 7 of Brookside.
I hear good things.
Can you be any more specific?
Really good things.
Ok... look,
I - I didn't go over Tom's files because
Sherry told me I should lose my accent. Ok?
So I worked really hard on that. I mean,
I used to say things like tawk and cawfee
and "how 'bout that Friggin' we at huh?"
And now listen to this:
How about that freaking weather?
Well, uh... Carrie, thanks so much for coming in.
Look, if you would just give me a chance,
I could really prove to you-
really, Carrie, weh have
a lot of other people to see.
But thank yew!
Ok, here's a question for you.
How come Daisy Duke over here didn't have to lose her accent?
'Scuse me. Mah daddy helped build this c'mp'NY.
Oh, yer daddy did?
Well, my daddy lives in the basement.
That's why I need this job. Ok, honey?
So, you'll let me know on Monday?
Ok.
Thank you so much.
Ok, Carlos.
I'm gonna have to raise you another 50.
And I'm gonna have to call you, Mrs. Heffernan.
2 pair.
Oh, jeez. I was bluffing.
Oh, she was...
I feel bad now.
Ohhh... gosh.
Let's take a break, huh?
Come back in 10 minutes.
Well, I'm not havin' much luck tonight.
No, and you're not gonna if you keep going in with squat!
What?
You had no business bein' in that last pot.
Honey, if my flush had come in...
"If, if, if." You don't chase a flush
when there's a pair on the board!
Well, I figured he had 10s.
"He had 10s." I wanna be adopted!
What're you gettin' so upset about?
'Cause you're losin' all our money.
When you asked me to do this,
you told me the most important part was us havin' fun.
It is fun...
When we're winning.
Ok. I understand.
I won't waste any more time havin' fun.
I'll just be a cutthroat poker-playin' machine
and clean out those nice young men. Will that make you happy?
Yeeessss!
Well... game's over.
Here. $3,400.
Wow!
Carlos tried to get cute with a pair of deuces,
and I took him down hard.
Well! Guess who's sitting front row at spamalot-
you and the guest of your choice.
That's ok, Doug. You don't have to spend any money on me.
Let's just go home. Ok?
Mom, wait a second. Look...
I - I know you think this is all about the money
because... well, I said it was.
But the truth is... I had a good time with you.
Yeah, sure. I did!
And let me tell you somethin'. Look,
this is a lot of money.
But if it's gonna come between us, then...
It's just not worth it. And I-
I will march back in there
and give them their money back right now.
Ok.
I- I will. I will.
Ok. All right.
Yeah.
Ok. Fine.
I will. All right.
All right! I'll take you to spamalot!
My... daddy...
Built... this...
Company.
Yeah! Yes!
Oh! I did it! I did it!
God, you're beautiful.