1
00:00:05,706 --> 00:00:08,208
Oh! It wasn't supposed
to rain today.

2
00:00:08,275 --> 00:00:09,476
Damn Al Roker!

3
00:00:09,543 --> 00:00:12,845
Hurry up and open the door.
I'm getting soaked.

4
00:00:12,913 --> 00:00:14,581
I can't get at the keys.

5
00:00:14,648 --> 00:00:16,549
Here, I'll get 'em. Hold these.

6
00:00:16,617 --> 00:00:18,551
Ow! Easy, that's a soda bag.

7
00:00:18,619 --> 00:00:20,386
Oh, sorry.

8
00:00:20,454 --> 00:00:22,054
Oh, yeah.

9
00:00:22,123 --> 00:00:24,991
Mama Leone, someone wants a
slice of big Dougie pie.

10
00:00:25,626 --> 00:00:27,327
Shut up.

11
00:00:27,394 --> 00:00:29,195
What are you doin'
with all these keys?

12
00:00:29,263 --> 00:00:30,730
What are you, Schneider?

13
00:00:30,797 --> 00:00:31,964
Which one's the house key?

14
00:00:32,032 --> 00:00:33,366
Well, you just passed it there.

15
00:00:33,434 --> 00:00:35,235
Find the key and
open the damn door!

16
00:00:35,302 --> 00:00:36,902
Fine! I gotta put the bags down.

17
00:00:36,970 --> 00:00:39,005
All right, but don't put
the bags in the puddle!

18
00:00:39,072 --> 00:00:40,640
It's all puddle!

19
00:00:41,442 --> 00:00:42,775
Crazy kids.

20
00:01:27,246 --> 00:01:31,382
Ok, got some chicken,
got some potatoes.

21
00:01:31,449 --> 00:01:34,786
Hey, hey. Ok, watch the finger!

22
00:01:34,853 --> 00:01:38,189
Hey, don't mean to
interrupt animal planet,

23
00:01:38,257 --> 00:01:40,524
but how was everyone's day?

24
00:01:40,592 --> 00:01:42,260
Anything to say?

25
00:01:42,327 --> 00:01:44,028
Anyone?

26
00:01:44,096 --> 00:01:46,430
Can you believe that news
about the vice president?

27
00:01:46,498 --> 00:01:47,531
What news?

28
00:01:47,599 --> 00:01:49,566
What news? He resigned today.

29
00:01:49,634 --> 00:01:50,634
Who did?

30
00:01:50,702 --> 00:01:52,603
Al Gore, the vice president.

31
00:01:52,671 --> 00:01:54,839
What, do you live in a cave?

32
00:01:54,907 --> 00:01:56,874
No, I do not live in a cave,

33
00:01:56,942 --> 00:01:58,475
and Al Gore did not resign.

34
00:01:58,543 --> 00:02:00,178
He absolutely did.

35
00:02:01,613 --> 00:02:02,880
Doug?

36
00:02:02,948 --> 00:02:05,249
I don't know.

37
00:02:05,317 --> 00:02:06,617
It was right on the front page

38
00:02:06,685 --> 00:02:08,152
of today's paper. I'll show ya.

39
00:02:08,220 --> 00:02:10,822
Dad, if Gore resigned, how come
there was nothing about it

40
00:02:10,889 --> 00:02:12,589
on the news or on the radio?

41
00:02:12,657 --> 00:02:15,592
Maybe this man had a scoop.

42
00:02:15,660 --> 00:02:17,561
Oh, by the way, Marc
and Abby called,

43
00:02:17,629 --> 00:02:19,797
they want to know if we want
to do benihana Saturday night.

44
00:02:19,865 --> 00:02:21,332
Oh, yeah, I like that place.

45
00:02:21,399 --> 00:02:24,235
Better than goin' to that stupid I.P.S.
Banquet anyway.

46
00:02:24,303 --> 00:02:25,602
The company's havin' a banquet?

47
00:02:25,670 --> 00:02:27,205
We don't have to go.
Let's do benihana.

48
00:02:27,272 --> 00:02:30,208
Oh, I hope we get aiko.
Last time we had Lenny.

49
00:02:31,810 --> 00:02:33,811
I can't find the front section.

50
00:02:33,879 --> 00:02:34,946
Would you forget about it?

51
00:02:35,013 --> 00:02:36,280
It's probably in the garbage.

52
00:02:36,348 --> 00:02:37,748
Thank you.

53
00:02:39,017 --> 00:02:41,018
So what's the banquet for?

54
00:02:41,086 --> 00:02:42,887
Dad, get out of the garbage.

55
00:02:42,955 --> 00:02:45,723
Oh, let him go. Maybe
he'll fall in.

56
00:02:45,790 --> 00:02:47,258
So, what's the banquet for?

57
00:02:47,326 --> 00:02:48,759
Oh, it's just for Les Fisker.

58
00:02:48,827 --> 00:02:50,962
He's been with the company
like 20 years or somethin'.

59
00:02:51,029 --> 00:02:52,029
Who's Les Fisker?

60
00:02:52,097 --> 00:02:53,630
There's still tuna in this can.

61
00:02:53,698 --> 00:02:56,567
Do we own a diamond mine
I don't know about?

62
00:02:57,569 --> 00:02:58,736
Who's Les Fisker?

63
00:02:58,803 --> 00:02:59,871
He's my boss.

64
00:02:59,938 --> 00:03:01,105
I thought O'Boyle was your boss.

65
00:03:01,173 --> 00:03:02,539
O'Boyle's just my supervisor.

66
00:03:02,607 --> 00:03:04,141
Fisker runs the whole place.

67
00:03:04,209 --> 00:03:06,277
Ok, then, don't you
think you should go?

68
00:03:06,345 --> 00:03:07,845
Why? He doesn't even know me.

69
00:03:07,913 --> 00:03:09,580
What do you mean, he
doesn't know you?

70
00:03:09,647 --> 00:03:11,448
He doesn't know me.
He doesn't know you!

71
00:03:11,516 --> 00:03:13,450
He no know Dougie.

72
00:03:15,320 --> 00:03:18,089
Aha! "Gore resigns"

73
00:03:18,156 --> 00:03:21,259
himself to wooden image."

74
00:03:21,326 --> 00:03:24,695
Well, this is obviously
the wrong newspaper.

75
00:03:24,763 --> 00:03:26,563
So, Doug. Ya?

76
00:03:26,631 --> 00:03:28,599
I think we should go to the
banquet on Saturday night.

77
00:03:28,666 --> 00:03:29,633
Why?

78
00:03:29,701 --> 00:03:31,668
Why? Because he's your boss.

79
00:03:31,736 --> 00:03:33,737
This is a perfect chance for you to...
to get some brownie points.

80
00:03:33,805 --> 00:03:35,907
You know, stand out from
the pack a little bit.

81
00:03:35,974 --> 00:03:37,208
Oh. All right, all right.

82
00:03:37,276 --> 00:03:39,210
Now I see how we got
off track here.

83
00:03:39,278 --> 00:03:41,512
See, you want me to stand
out from the pack,

84
00:03:41,579 --> 00:03:43,948
whereas I want to remain
hidden and obscured

85
00:03:44,016 --> 00:03:45,783
by that very same pack.

86
00:03:47,920 --> 00:03:50,521
Carrie, it's how I survive.
All right?

87
00:03:50,588 --> 00:03:51,956
Staying nameless and faceless.

88
00:03:52,024 --> 00:03:54,025
Not too good, not too bad.

89
00:03:54,092 --> 00:03:56,660
Right on the cutting
edge of mediocre.

90
00:03:57,829 --> 00:03:59,696
Doug, I think you're
being ridiculous.

91
00:03:59,764 --> 00:04:02,766
Oh, you just want him to
kiss a little heinie.

92
00:04:04,236 --> 00:04:06,570
Sure, you get the big promotion,

93
00:04:06,638 --> 00:04:07,838
but you lose your soul.

94
00:04:07,906 --> 00:04:09,606
Ok, bubby, just eat your dinner.

95
00:04:09,674 --> 00:04:11,175
In all the jobs I ever had,

96
00:04:11,243 --> 00:04:13,277
I never kowtowed to the bosses.

97
00:04:13,345 --> 00:04:15,379
I spoke my mind!

98
00:04:15,447 --> 00:04:17,614
Which is why you have no
pension, no benefits,

99
00:04:17,682 --> 00:04:19,417
and you live in our basement.

100
00:04:21,119 --> 00:04:24,989
You really swung from the heels
on that one, didn't you?

101
00:04:25,057 --> 00:04:26,023
Doug...

102
00:04:26,091 --> 00:04:27,191
Fine. You know? Ok, fine.

103
00:04:27,259 --> 00:04:28,659
We will go to the banquet, ok?

104
00:04:28,726 --> 00:04:30,894
Way to go, sellout!

105
00:04:35,400 --> 00:04:37,768
Carrie, I'm leavin'!

106
00:04:37,836 --> 00:04:39,770
Doug, wait. Wait, wait, wait!
What's up?

107
00:04:39,838 --> 00:04:41,905
Sign one of these, ok, and
bring it to your boss.

108
00:04:41,974 --> 00:04:43,474
Sign what? A card.

109
00:04:43,541 --> 00:04:45,642
You know, to congratulate
him for his 20 years.

110
00:04:45,710 --> 00:04:47,644
A card? No, no, that's
way over the top.

111
00:04:47,712 --> 00:04:49,813
No, it isn't. Doug, it's
good office politics.

112
00:04:49,881 --> 00:04:51,882
I do it all the time at work.

113
00:04:51,950 --> 00:04:55,086
Really? Is that why you're on the fast
track to making less coffee next year?

114
00:04:55,153 --> 00:04:57,788
Sure, take a vicious shot at me.
Very nice.

115
00:04:57,856 --> 00:04:59,123
Come on, pick one and sign it.

116
00:04:59,191 --> 00:05:02,159
Fine. Why do you have
all these anyway?

117
00:05:02,227 --> 00:05:03,560
Oh, when I see a card I like,

118
00:05:03,628 --> 00:05:05,963
I just buy it, even
if I don't need it.

119
00:05:06,031 --> 00:05:08,032
Like what you do with beef.

120
00:05:08,967 --> 00:05:11,268
Ok, how about that one?

121
00:05:11,336 --> 00:05:14,305
2 deer drinking from
a Mountain stream.

122
00:05:14,373 --> 00:05:16,573
Um, do you have anything gayer?

123
00:05:21,013 --> 00:05:24,681
Here, hunting dogs.
Heterosexual enough for ya?

124
00:05:24,749 --> 00:05:28,486
Fine. I can't believe it.
First a banquet, now a card.

125
00:05:28,553 --> 00:05:30,254
Who am I?

126
00:05:30,322 --> 00:05:33,324
Ooh, I love you, boss.

127
00:05:34,426 --> 00:05:36,793
I love you so much.

128
00:05:38,830 --> 00:05:41,765
Ok, you know what? Catchin' a
little pop-tart shower there.

129
00:05:41,833 --> 00:05:44,468
All right, let me see.
Let me see.

130
00:05:44,536 --> 00:05:46,703
"Congratulations.
Doug Heffernan,

131
00:05:46,771 --> 00:05:49,540
driver 622-h7."

132
00:05:49,607 --> 00:05:53,110
Hon, it's a card,
not an invoice.

133
00:05:53,178 --> 00:05:54,611
You know what? You write it.

134
00:05:54,679 --> 00:05:56,013
Ok, I will.

135
00:06:03,888 --> 00:06:04,955
Here.

136
00:06:07,559 --> 00:06:10,561
"Congratulations. I hear
you got 20 to life."

137
00:06:14,266 --> 00:06:15,999
What does that mean?

138
00:06:16,068 --> 00:06:19,537
20 to life. Like working
there's a prison sentence.

139
00:06:21,373 --> 00:06:22,706
It's funny.

140
00:06:27,446 --> 00:06:28,645
Hey, man.

141
00:06:28,713 --> 00:06:30,081
Hey.

142
00:06:30,148 --> 00:06:31,282
What's the matter?

143
00:06:31,349 --> 00:06:33,517
Man, got a fugly route today.

144
00:06:35,853 --> 00:06:38,755
They got me goin' back and
forth over the bridge 3 times.

145
00:06:38,823 --> 00:06:40,357
I get winded peeling an orange.

146
00:06:40,425 --> 00:06:43,461
We all have our crosses to bear.

147
00:06:43,528 --> 00:06:45,162
You ready to head out?

148
00:06:45,230 --> 00:06:48,031
Yeah. Give me 2 seconds. I just
gotta drop this by Fisker's office.

149
00:06:48,100 --> 00:06:49,833
Fisker? What you got for him?

150
00:06:49,901 --> 00:06:51,602
Oh, it's just a
congratulations card.

151
00:06:51,669 --> 00:06:53,036
You know, for his 20 years here.

152
00:06:53,105 --> 00:06:54,738
Didn't you, uh, didn't
you get him one?

153
00:06:54,806 --> 00:06:57,541
No.

154
00:06:57,609 --> 00:07:00,578
Hey, any of you guys, uh,
givin' cards to Fisker?

155
00:07:00,645 --> 00:07:02,146
No. No, not me.

156
00:07:07,486 --> 00:07:08,719
Mr. Grossman's office.

157
00:07:08,786 --> 00:07:10,621
Nobody's givin' cards!

158
00:07:11,590 --> 00:07:13,124
Doug?

159
00:07:13,191 --> 00:07:15,058
None of the others are doin' anything.
I'll be the only one!

160
00:07:15,127 --> 00:07:16,160
Carrie!

161
00:07:16,228 --> 00:07:17,294
Doug, listen to me.

162
00:07:17,362 --> 00:07:18,762
Everything's gonna be fine.

163
00:07:18,830 --> 00:07:20,998
Mommy loves you. Now
just give him the card.

164
00:07:21,065 --> 00:07:23,367
Carrie, this was
supposed to be decaf!

165
00:07:23,435 --> 00:07:24,668
Gotta go.

166
00:07:29,541 --> 00:07:30,574
Hi.

167
00:07:30,642 --> 00:07:33,377
Hello. Can I help
you with something?

168
00:07:33,445 --> 00:07:36,680
Uh, yeah, I, uh, I,
uh, I work here.

169
00:07:36,748 --> 00:07:40,484
And, uh, I, uh, just wanted to
drop this off for Mr. Fisker.

170
00:07:40,552 --> 00:07:41,652
Oh, what is it?

171
00:07:41,719 --> 00:07:43,820
It's just a card for
his 20-year thing.

172
00:07:43,888 --> 00:07:45,756
Oh, how thoughtful.

173
00:07:45,823 --> 00:07:47,525
Actually, he's not busy.

174
00:07:47,592 --> 00:07:49,426
Why don't you just pop on in
and give it to him personally.

175
00:07:49,494 --> 00:07:51,595
No! No, no. No, no, that's fine.

176
00:07:51,663 --> 00:07:53,464
Actually, he's due
at a meeting anyway.

177
00:07:53,532 --> 00:07:55,533
No, please, don't, please.
You wait right here.

178
00:07:55,600 --> 00:07:57,401
I'm asking. Please stop walking.
No.

179
00:08:05,977 --> 00:08:07,010
Can we go now?

180
00:08:07,078 --> 00:08:08,279
Yeah, just give me 2 seconds.

181
00:08:08,346 --> 00:08:10,714
I gotta show a urinal
cake who's boss.

182
00:08:13,418 --> 00:08:14,718
Hey, Eddie.

183
00:08:19,023 --> 00:08:20,924
"20 to life." That's...

184
00:08:22,327 --> 00:08:24,328
Funny stuff.

185
00:08:24,396 --> 00:08:26,530
Oh, tight squeeze, huh?

186
00:08:26,598 --> 00:08:27,964
Yeah, I get that a lot.

187
00:08:29,701 --> 00:08:31,635
Doug, let's go!

188
00:08:31,703 --> 00:08:33,204
Are you Doug Heffernan?

189
00:08:33,271 --> 00:08:34,271
No!

190
00:08:35,873 --> 00:08:38,008
Did... did you say Heffernan?

191
00:08:38,076 --> 00:08:39,210
Yes.

192
00:08:39,277 --> 00:08:41,579
Oh, then, yes, I am, yes.

193
00:08:41,646 --> 00:08:43,347
Well, I'm, uh, I'm Les Fisker.

194
00:08:43,415 --> 00:08:46,149
Oh, hi. Hello.

195
00:08:46,218 --> 00:08:47,884
Oh, thank you for the card.

196
00:08:47,952 --> 00:08:50,487
Oh, you're welcome.
Yes, you are.

197
00:08:50,555 --> 00:08:52,389
20 to life, very clever.

198
00:08:52,457 --> 00:08:54,024
Aw, it just kinda came to me.

199
00:08:54,092 --> 00:08:56,793
Mmm. You're in the
wrong business.

200
00:08:56,861 --> 00:08:58,495
You should be writing for imus.

201
00:08:58,563 --> 00:09:01,164
Oh. Thanks. Thank you very much.

202
00:09:01,233 --> 00:09:03,567
Anyway, it was very thoughtful.
Thank you again.

203
00:09:03,635 --> 00:09:05,536
No problem. Well,
you take care now.

204
00:09:05,604 --> 00:09:06,537
Yeah. Uh, Doug?

205
00:09:06,605 --> 00:09:07,605
Ya?

206
00:09:07,672 --> 00:09:10,574
How are things goin' for
you guys down here?

207
00:09:10,642 --> 00:09:12,976
Oh, uh, you know what?
Everything's been really...

208
00:09:14,178 --> 00:09:15,779
Good, you know? Things
are goin' good!

209
00:09:15,847 --> 00:09:17,281
People really...

210
00:09:17,349 --> 00:09:19,450
Customers really seem to enjoy their...
their packages.

211
00:09:19,517 --> 00:09:22,586
Aah! That's kinda hot
when you start drying.

212
00:09:22,654 --> 00:09:25,055
All right, well, you
know, good seeing you.

213
00:09:25,123 --> 00:09:27,558
Doug, Doug! Crazy
thought just hit me.

214
00:09:27,626 --> 00:09:29,192
Yeah.

215
00:09:29,261 --> 00:09:31,362
You know the company's giving me
this banquet thing on Saturday.

216
00:09:31,429 --> 00:09:32,763
Yeah.

217
00:09:32,830 --> 00:09:35,466
Well, it's, uh, it's gonna be like a...
a roast, you know?

218
00:09:35,533 --> 00:09:37,200
One of those things
where people get up

219
00:09:37,269 --> 00:09:38,869
to the microphone and zing ya.

220
00:09:38,936 --> 00:09:40,337
Ooh, ouch.

221
00:09:41,673 --> 00:09:43,206
Want to roast me?

222
00:09:43,275 --> 00:09:44,408
I'm sorry. What?

223
00:09:44,476 --> 00:09:45,409
Roast me.

224
00:09:45,477 --> 00:09:48,044
You'll represent
the other drivers.

225
00:09:48,112 --> 00:09:51,415
And, uh, don't hold back, I
think I can take a joke.

226
00:09:51,483 --> 00:09:54,385
Well, I guess we'll find
out on Saturday, huh?

227
00:10:13,863 --> 00:10:14,797
Hey, babe.

228
00:10:14,864 --> 00:10:16,198
Hello.

229
00:10:16,265 --> 00:10:17,967
I picked up some deli.

230
00:10:18,034 --> 00:10:20,603
Mmm. Deli. Great.

231
00:10:20,670 --> 00:10:23,472
So did you give Mr.
Fisker the card?

232
00:10:23,539 --> 00:10:26,341
Just like you told me.

233
00:10:26,409 --> 00:10:29,311
And did your world
come crashing down?

234
00:10:30,013 --> 00:10:31,379
Yes, it did.

235
00:10:35,485 --> 00:10:36,885
What do you mean?

236
00:10:36,953 --> 00:10:39,554
Well, it seems he was so
tickled by your little card,

237
00:10:39,623 --> 00:10:41,624
that now I have
to roast the man.

238
00:10:41,691 --> 00:10:42,791
What?

239
00:10:42,859 --> 00:10:44,660
I gotta stand in front
of a bunch of people

240
00:10:44,728 --> 00:10:46,228
at a banquet and insult him.

241
00:10:46,295 --> 00:10:48,563
You have so screwed me up here.

242
00:10:48,632 --> 00:10:51,967
So then he thought my
card was funny, huh?

243
00:10:52,969 --> 00:10:54,236
He sure did.

244
00:10:54,303 --> 00:10:56,271
Oh, "20 to life,"
that's some big funny.

245
00:10:56,339 --> 00:10:59,141
That's Gallagher
funny right there!

246
00:10:59,208 --> 00:11:01,376
Look, calm down. This
is a good thing.

247
00:11:01,444 --> 00:11:02,878
I mean, out of all the drivers,

248
00:11:02,946 --> 00:11:04,980
Fisker picked you to do this.

249
00:11:05,048 --> 00:11:06,381
That means he likes you.

250
00:11:06,449 --> 00:11:08,817
Ok, let's review. Don't
want him to like me.

251
00:11:08,885 --> 00:11:10,653
Don't want him to know me, ok?

252
00:11:10,720 --> 00:11:12,021
You made me kiss his butt,

253
00:11:12,088 --> 00:11:14,389
now I'm wearing his
ass as a turban!

254
00:11:20,664 --> 00:11:22,064
Do you still want deli?

255
00:11:22,932 --> 00:11:24,700
I'm angry, not dead.

256
00:11:29,505 --> 00:11:33,375
<i>He was born and raised on a farm
outside of Norfolk, Nebraska.</i>

257
00:11:33,442 --> 00:11:35,077
<i>I know he's a real farm boy,</i>

258
00:11:35,145 --> 00:11:38,380
<i>'cause I saw him at the bar
with a couple of pigs.</i>

259
00:11:39,816 --> 00:11:41,950
All right, Arthur, this
isn't helping at all.

260
00:11:42,018 --> 00:11:43,085
Are you kidding?

261
00:11:43,153 --> 00:11:45,420
These are the classic
celebrity roasts.

262
00:11:45,488 --> 00:11:47,622
You can get a lot of material.

263
00:11:47,691 --> 00:11:49,558
Unless you think you
have nothing to learn

264
00:11:49,625 --> 00:11:53,062
from Mr. Fred travalena?

265
00:11:53,129 --> 00:11:56,098
All right, fine. Show
me something I can use.

266
00:11:56,166 --> 00:11:57,265
Ooh!

267
00:11:57,333 --> 00:11:59,568
This is a great bit for you.
Look!

268
00:11:59,635 --> 00:12:02,171
<i>So, you Muhammad Ali, huh?</i>

269
00:12:06,142 --> 00:12:07,309
<i>Don't mean much to me.</i>

270
00:12:08,812 --> 00:12:10,979
<i>You wanna step out
in the alley, Ali?</i>

271
00:12:13,917 --> 00:12:16,151
Huh? Huh? You like?

272
00:12:16,219 --> 00:12:18,587
Ok. Couple of problems here.

273
00:12:18,654 --> 00:12:22,424
First of all, my boss is not
heavyweight champion of the world.

274
00:12:22,491 --> 00:12:25,094
And I am not the jeffersons.

275
00:12:25,161 --> 00:12:26,394
So what?

276
00:12:26,462 --> 00:12:29,064
Just tweak it. Update the
references in your home.

277
00:12:29,132 --> 00:12:31,499
Do I have to spoon
feed this to ya?

278
00:12:32,668 --> 00:12:34,036
Good-bye.

279
00:12:34,104 --> 00:12:36,338
Wait, wait. Look! Foster Brooks.

280
00:12:37,373 --> 00:12:40,175
Use his drunk routine.

281
00:12:40,243 --> 00:12:43,445
Hey, Fisker, give me
another martooni.

282
00:12:48,017 --> 00:12:51,686
Ah, I miss the day when alcoholism
was light, breezy entertainment.

283
00:12:54,523 --> 00:12:55,758
Hey.

284
00:12:55,825 --> 00:12:57,292
You know, I used to love you.

285
00:12:57,360 --> 00:12:59,928
Now I associate you with pain.

286
00:13:01,664 --> 00:13:03,265
Haven't written any jokes yet?

287
00:13:03,332 --> 00:13:04,900
No! I got so desperate,

288
00:13:04,968 --> 00:13:07,202
I even turned to
mini-me out there.

289
00:13:07,270 --> 00:13:10,372
Hurtful, and you're
missing Bruce jenner.

290
00:13:11,507 --> 00:13:12,741
Look, don't worry about it.

291
00:13:12,809 --> 00:13:14,877
You'll come up with something.
You still have...

292
00:13:14,944 --> 00:13:16,111
2 days! I got 2 days!

293
00:13:16,179 --> 00:13:17,913
All right, big deal.
All you have to do

294
00:13:17,981 --> 00:13:21,516
is come up with a few cute little
jokes, it's not that hard.

295
00:13:21,584 --> 00:13:23,718
Not that... Oh, that's right!

296
00:13:23,787 --> 00:13:26,488
I forgot. I'm married
to a gifted funny lady.

297
00:13:26,555 --> 00:13:28,723
You know what? Hey, you
worked the magic on my card.

298
00:13:28,792 --> 00:13:31,493
Let's see what you can do
with this, miss buzzi.

299
00:13:33,263 --> 00:13:36,165
Ok, you got some, uh, very
disturbing doodles here.

300
00:13:36,232 --> 00:13:37,565
Jokes, please.

301
00:13:37,633 --> 00:13:39,234
Ok, I'll come up with somethin'.

302
00:13:47,743 --> 00:13:49,778
What's goin' on? The gags
comin' so fast and furious,

303
00:13:49,846 --> 00:13:50,879
you can't write 'em down?

304
00:13:50,947 --> 00:13:52,181
Want me to get a tape recorder?

305
00:13:52,248 --> 00:13:53,248
Shut up.

306
00:13:53,316 --> 00:13:55,884
Ok. I got it. I got it.
I got it.

307
00:13:55,952 --> 00:13:57,419
His name is Les Fisker, right?

308
00:13:57,486 --> 00:13:58,520
Mmm-hmm.

309
00:13:58,587 --> 00:14:00,355
Ok, this is what you say.

310
00:14:00,423 --> 00:14:02,191
Hey, everybody,

311
00:14:02,258 --> 00:14:05,360
we're here to honor Les Fisker.

312
00:14:05,428 --> 00:14:08,163
Hey, if he's Les, I'd
hate to see more!

313
00:14:13,069 --> 00:14:14,269
I don't want to roast him.

314
00:14:14,337 --> 00:14:15,804
Come on, Deac, it'll be fun.

315
00:14:15,872 --> 00:14:19,007
Hey, hey, "if he's Les,
I'd hate to see more."

316
00:14:19,075 --> 00:14:21,409
Huh? Hey, you can have that one.

317
00:14:21,477 --> 00:14:23,011
Look, man, I got a
family to feed.

318
00:14:23,079 --> 00:14:25,147
I'm not in a rush to
insult my boss in public.

319
00:14:25,215 --> 00:14:26,614
Not insult, rib.

320
00:14:26,682 --> 00:14:28,783
And once again, a lot of fun.

321
00:14:28,852 --> 00:14:30,219
So why don't you want to do it?

322
00:14:30,286 --> 00:14:31,619
It's not my thing.

323
00:14:31,687 --> 00:14:33,421
I'm not funny in front of
people the way you are.

324
00:14:33,489 --> 00:14:34,756
Hey, hey, my homeys, what's up?

325
00:14:34,824 --> 00:14:36,925
Deacman is in the hizzouuuse!

326
00:14:41,030 --> 00:14:42,731
Don't do that again.

327
00:14:44,334 --> 00:14:45,600
Come on, man, I'm beggin' you!

328
00:14:45,668 --> 00:14:47,502
It ain't gonna
happen, my friend.

329
00:14:49,005 --> 00:14:50,805
Hey. Hey, Dugan, how about you?

330
00:14:50,874 --> 00:14:52,440
Come on, you want
to give it a shot?

331
00:14:52,508 --> 00:14:54,076
Morales? Hey, you
guys could be a team.

332
00:14:54,143 --> 00:14:56,144
Irish, puerto rican,
I'm laughin' already,

333
00:14:56,212 --> 00:14:59,047
and a great plea for tolerance.
Hello.

334
00:14:59,849 --> 00:15:01,283
Hey. Psst.

335
00:15:01,351 --> 00:15:03,485
Here comes your boyfriend.

336
00:15:03,552 --> 00:15:05,653
Morning! Morning! Hello!

337
00:15:05,721 --> 00:15:08,190
Don't mean to scare you
folks by comin' downstairs.

338
00:15:08,258 --> 00:15:10,692
You're all doin' a
great job, great job.

339
00:15:10,760 --> 00:15:12,560
You probably heard
that Doug here

340
00:15:12,628 --> 00:15:14,997
is gonna be roasting
me tomorrow night.

341
00:15:15,064 --> 00:15:17,532
If you saw his card I put
up on the bulletin board,

342
00:15:17,600 --> 00:15:18,867
you know Dougie.

343
00:15:18,935 --> 00:15:23,171
Well, he's a... He's
one funny s.O.B., huh?

344
00:15:23,239 --> 00:15:25,540
Well, he's gonna be
zingin' me for you folks.

345
00:15:25,608 --> 00:15:27,542
I just wanted to
say to all of you.

346
00:15:27,610 --> 00:15:30,245
Up yours in advance. Huh? Huh?

347
00:15:32,215 --> 00:15:34,482
Well, that's all. Let's
get to work, people.

348
00:15:34,550 --> 00:15:37,052
Let's go, go, go. Chop, chop!
Come on!

349
00:15:42,425 --> 00:15:43,825
Um, Mr. Fisker?

350
00:15:43,893 --> 00:15:45,527
Yeah, Doug?

351
00:15:45,594 --> 00:15:47,930
Uh, a-about the roast thing.

352
00:15:47,997 --> 00:15:48,997
Yeah?

353
00:15:49,065 --> 00:15:50,665
It's just that I...
I don't think...

354
00:15:50,733 --> 00:15:53,402
I mean, I might not
be able to do it.

355
00:15:53,469 --> 00:15:55,270
Oh? Why not?

356
00:15:55,338 --> 00:15:56,671
Uh, well, you see,

357
00:15:56,739 --> 00:15:59,774
I forgot that we have
a thing this weekend.

358
00:15:59,842 --> 00:16:02,010
My wife's sister,
as it turns out,

359
00:16:02,078 --> 00:16:03,845
is having her roast tomorrow.

360
00:16:03,913 --> 00:16:04,913
What?

361
00:16:04,981 --> 00:16:06,614
Well, it's really
more of a wedding,

362
00:16:06,682 --> 00:16:09,784
but we're probably gonna make fun
of her a little. She stutters.

363
00:16:09,852 --> 00:16:11,619
What's going on, Doug?

364
00:16:11,687 --> 00:16:13,721
Do you really have a wedding or
are you just jerking my chain?

365
00:16:13,789 --> 00:16:15,857
No, no, no. Hey, look, if I
was gonna jerk your chain,

366
00:16:15,925 --> 00:16:20,262
I would have done it the other day
in the men's room, right? Wa-bang!

367
00:16:20,330 --> 00:16:22,998
If you don't want to come to
my banquet, then don't come,

368
00:16:23,066 --> 00:16:25,400
but don't make a
fool of me, Doug.

369
00:16:27,570 --> 00:16:30,705
Uh, Mr. Fisker, you know what?
Thought.

370
00:16:30,773 --> 00:16:33,908
Uh, I don't know if I really
have to go to the wedding.

371
00:16:33,977 --> 00:16:35,877
She's just a half-sister.

372
00:16:35,945 --> 00:16:38,847
Bottom line, I will
see you at the roast!

373
00:16:38,914 --> 00:16:40,015
All right.

374
00:16:40,083 --> 00:16:41,583
Good!

375
00:16:41,650 --> 00:16:42,717
Good!

376
00:16:52,828 --> 00:16:54,463
Hey, honey, how ya doin'?

377
00:16:54,530 --> 00:16:56,365
I can't stop sweating.

378
00:16:57,200 --> 00:16:59,001
Poor baby.

379
00:16:59,068 --> 00:17:02,104
I put a couple of your
maxipads under my armpits,

380
00:17:05,841 --> 00:17:07,909
but they... they just
soak right through.

381
00:17:07,977 --> 00:17:11,446
Yeah, that's because these
are for light days.

382
00:17:11,514 --> 00:17:14,249
I'm so nervous, the back of
my head is actually numb.

383
00:17:14,317 --> 00:17:16,151
Doug, everything's gonna be ok.

384
00:17:16,219 --> 00:17:18,586
Everyone's there just
to have some fun.

385
00:17:18,654 --> 00:17:20,588
You'll go up, you'll
do your jokes here,

386
00:17:20,656 --> 00:17:21,823
everyone will laugh,

387
00:17:21,891 --> 00:17:23,892
and it'll all be over with.

388
00:17:23,959 --> 00:17:24,893
You think?

389
00:17:24,960 --> 00:17:26,395
Yes. Now, come on.

390
00:17:26,462 --> 00:17:28,663
Lay your head right here.

391
00:17:28,731 --> 00:17:31,699
It's ok. Everything's
gonna be just fine.

392
00:17:31,767 --> 00:17:33,101
Yes, it is.

393
00:17:45,915 --> 00:17:48,716
And now, speaking for the
drivers, Doug Heffernan.

394
00:17:53,356 --> 00:17:55,424
Thank you. Well, it's...

395
00:17:55,491 --> 00:17:58,060
Well, it certainly has been
a fun evening thus far.

396
00:18:00,963 --> 00:18:02,997
Hello, everyone.

397
00:18:03,066 --> 00:18:06,634
I know that we're all gathered
here tonight for the same reason.

398
00:18:06,702 --> 00:18:08,203
The shrimp toast.

399
00:18:10,139 --> 00:18:11,406
But seriously,

400
00:18:11,474 --> 00:18:14,342
uh, Les, you've been here
like 20 years, right?

401
00:18:14,410 --> 00:18:15,477
Yup, yup.

402
00:18:15,545 --> 00:18:17,712
Wow. That's a...
That's a long time.

403
00:18:17,780 --> 00:18:19,481
I think the reason
he's lasted so long

404
00:18:19,549 --> 00:18:21,649
is because he works so hard,

405
00:18:21,717 --> 00:18:24,352
or is it that he hardly works?

406
00:18:27,823 --> 00:18:29,624
My God, that's generic.

407
00:18:31,794 --> 00:18:34,796
Seriously, again, Les has done
a great job here at I.P.S.

408
00:18:34,863 --> 00:18:38,666
He's gotten the whole place
running like clockwork,

409
00:18:38,734 --> 00:18:41,869
if that clock was built
by a crazed wino!

410
00:18:46,476 --> 00:18:49,544
No, no, really, Les... Les
has personally introduced

411
00:18:49,612 --> 00:18:51,546
some great innovations
at I.P.S.,

412
00:18:51,614 --> 00:18:54,316
the... the 3-hour
lunch, and of course,

413
00:18:54,383 --> 00:18:57,352
his bring-your-underage-
girlfriend-to-work-day.

414
00:19:00,523 --> 00:19:03,458
But all jokin' aside,
it was Les' idea

415
00:19:03,526 --> 00:19:05,494
for guaranteed
overnight delivery

416
00:19:05,561 --> 00:19:07,496
and to start a late-night
pick-up service.

417
00:19:07,563 --> 00:19:10,765
Oh, and speaking of
late-night pick-ups,

418
00:19:10,833 --> 00:19:12,800
how about his wife, Alana?

419
00:19:14,604 --> 00:19:15,903
Ohh!

420
00:19:20,409 --> 00:19:22,844
Yeah, isn't she a great gal?

421
00:19:22,911 --> 00:19:25,180
I don't... I don't want
to say Alana is easy,

422
00:19:25,248 --> 00:19:27,482
but she gives a whole new
meaning to the phrase:

423
00:19:27,550 --> 00:19:29,518
Please form an orderly line.

424
00:19:30,586 --> 00:19:32,187
Are you with me?

425
00:19:34,089 --> 00:19:36,458
I'm kiddin'. You know
I love you, Alana,

426
00:19:36,526 --> 00:19:38,026
later, in my truck.

427
00:19:43,466 --> 00:19:44,966
Let me ask you this, folks,

428
00:19:45,034 --> 00:19:48,136
you guys know actually how
many people work at I.P.S.?

429
00:19:48,204 --> 00:19:50,672
Huh? Anybody know?
It's 1 out of 4.

430
00:19:52,074 --> 00:19:54,543
Hey, did every table
get a number 2 pencil?

431
00:19:54,610 --> 00:19:57,512
I'm kiddin' around, red.

432
00:19:57,580 --> 00:20:00,582
Nice hair, sir, does that
come with a chin strap?

433
00:20:00,650 --> 00:20:02,384
Loved ya in <i>cocoon. All right.</i>

434
00:20:03,686 --> 00:20:06,188
42 years of wedded bliss.

435
00:20:07,456 --> 00:20:08,890
Let's hear it for 'em, folks.

436
00:20:08,957 --> 00:20:10,792
Let's hear it for 'em.

437
00:20:11,927 --> 00:20:14,028
The goosemans. The goosemans.

438
00:20:17,900 --> 00:20:19,467
And on!

439
00:20:26,442 --> 00:20:29,143
Oh. Oh! Ah!

440
00:20:29,212 --> 00:20:31,346
Oh, gosh, this has
been great, folks.

441
00:20:31,414 --> 00:20:32,647
But you know, let's not forget

442
00:20:32,715 --> 00:20:34,316
what this night is truly about.

443
00:20:34,383 --> 00:20:35,550
Les Fisker, huh?

444
00:20:36,819 --> 00:20:38,220
One lucky man, right there.
You are.

445
00:20:38,287 --> 00:20:39,854
You're lucky enough
to have a banquet.

446
00:20:39,922 --> 00:20:41,489
What you're not lucky
enough to have,

447
00:20:41,557 --> 00:20:44,392
is a bladder that empties
in under 20 minutes.

448
00:20:44,460 --> 00:20:47,729
I lost a vacation day waitin'
for this guy to finish.

449
00:20:49,865 --> 00:20:52,800
I mean it, man, maybe you ought
to pull into a jiffy lube

450
00:20:52,868 --> 00:20:55,704
and have 'em put you up
on the rack, you know?

451
00:20:57,039 --> 00:20:58,607
Seriously, you know?

452
00:20:58,674 --> 00:21:00,242
Doug. Yeah?

453
00:21:00,309 --> 00:21:02,477
Les had his prostate removed.

454
00:21:02,545 --> 00:21:03,578
What?

455
00:21:03,646 --> 00:21:04,812
Cancer.

456
00:21:07,916 --> 00:21:09,284
Cancer, huh?

457
00:21:09,918 --> 00:21:10,985
Ah...

458
00:21:12,288 --> 00:21:14,623
Boy, that cancer's
wild, isn't it?

459
00:21:46,380 --> 00:21:48,114
All right, let's see
what we got here.

460
00:21:49,784 --> 00:21:51,284
"Dear Mr. Fisker,

461
00:21:51,351 --> 00:21:54,487
"thank you again for being such
a good sport about the roast.

462
00:21:54,555 --> 00:21:56,756
"As you said, what kind
of world would it be

463
00:21:56,824 --> 00:21:58,658
"if we couldn't
laugh at ourselves.

464
00:21:58,726 --> 00:22:00,526
"By the way, working
the night shift

465
00:22:00,594 --> 00:22:03,797
has turned out to be a nice
change of pace after all."

466
00:22:07,267 --> 00:22:08,301
It needs a joke.