0
00:00:06,527 --> 00:00:09,121
They just delivered the TV
an hour ago and, Kelly,

1
00:00:09,327 --> 00:00:11,636
this thing is so gigantic,
it's ridiculous.

2
00:00:11,847 --> 00:00:15,726
I mea- I mean, the instruction book
is bigger than our old TV.

3
00:00:16,447 --> 00:00:18,597
Uh, uh, let me go, Doug's home.
Okay, bye.

4
00:00:20,567 --> 00:00:23,639
Oh, yeah? Well, for your information,
these are official company issue!

5
00:00:23,887 --> 00:00:24,956
- Doug.
- No, no, you shut up!

6
00:00:25,167 --> 00:00:28,557
- Doug.
- What? He's making fun of my shorts again.

7
00:00:30,875 --> 00:00:33,469
He's five! Be the bigger man.

8
00:00:35,115 --> 00:00:36,343
It's just frustrating, you know?

9
00:00:36,555 --> 00:00:39,627
He's so well-dressed,
I can't come back at him with anything.

10
00:00:40,075 --> 00:00:41,793
Hey, what are you doing home
from work?

11
00:00:41,995 --> 00:00:44,190
Well, my boss was trying a case in Jersey,
so I snuck out early.

12
00:00:44,395 --> 00:00:47,635
Come on, come on.
I have a huge surprise for you.

13
00:00:47,670 --> 00:00:49,591
You're pregnant? Yes!

14
00:00:49,603 --> 00:00:49,746
No!

15
00:00:49,835 --> 00:00:51,553
- Thank God!
- Would you stop?

16
00:00:52,727 --> 00:00:54,718
There's something
in the basement for you.

17
00:00:54,927 --> 00:00:55,882
What?

18
00:00:56,087 --> 00:01:00,239
Oh, something I arranged to have
delivered today, three days early.

19
00:01:01,847 --> 00:01:05,123
- You- You don't mean in-?
- That's correct.

20
00:01:17,981 --> 00:01:19,209
I love you.

21
00:01:24,061 --> 00:01:27,019
And I know, in time,
you'll learn to love me too.

22
00:01:27,781 --> 00:01:29,976
- Oh, man, I gotta call the guys.
- Already did. On their way.

23
00:01:30,221 --> 00:01:31,176
- You called them?
- Yup.

24
00:01:31,381 --> 00:01:33,372
You are the best
mail-order bride ever.

25
00:01:36,021 --> 00:01:38,899
So that's it, cutie.
Your cave is complete.

26
00:01:40,155 --> 00:01:42,305
Yeah, I just love it down here,
you know?

27
00:01:42,555 --> 00:01:44,113
It's like someone
stuffed some shag carpet

28
00:01:44,315 --> 00:01:47,273
and a foosball table
into my mother's womb.

29
00:01:48,502 --> 00:01:49,702
Auw!

30
00:01:50,955 --> 00:01:54,584
- Doug? Doug, Doug, you got the TV?!
- Yeah, it's down here!

31
00:02:03,657 --> 00:02:05,727
Your friends are here.

32
00:02:06,497 --> 00:02:08,886
I can't feel my legs.

33
00:02:09,097 --> 00:02:11,691
Damn, that's a nice TV.

34
00:02:12,152 --> 00:02:17,752
S01E01 - Pilot
www.subscene.com

35
00:02:21,625 --> 00:02:23,855
Would you look at the action
on this baby? She just glides.

36
00:02:24,065 --> 00:02:26,898
Look at that, I'm on two,
I'm on three, back to two, then:

37
00:02:27,105 --> 00:02:28,663
Bam! Hello, 57!

38
00:02:28,865 --> 00:02:31,425
Could we leave it on one channel,
please?

39
00:02:31,625 --> 00:02:32,853
Look at this, picture-in-picture.

40
00:02:33,065 --> 00:02:34,862
Oh, look at this,
picture-in-picture-in-picture.

41
00:02:36,865 --> 00:02:39,937
I'm begging you.
You're gonna trigger my epilepsy.

42
00:02:40,625 --> 00:02:43,822
All right, all right, I'll leave it on two.
I wanna catch the news, anyway.

43
00:02:44,983 --> 00:02:46,541
- The news?
- Yeah, the news.

44
00:02:46,743 --> 00:02:48,620
Clinton's in China
negotiating a big trade thing.

45
00:02:48,823 --> 00:02:49,892
Maybe you'll learn something.

46
00:02:50,103 --> 00:02:51,821
<i>- report both sides are satisfied</i>

47
00:02:52,023 --> 00:02:54,412
<i>that a successful agreement
was achieved.</i>

48
00:02:54,623 --> 00:02:56,181
<i>The First Lady
accompanied the president-</i>

49
00:02:56,383 --> 00:02:58,214
Would you do Hillary?

50
00:03:02,083 --> 00:03:04,313
It's a First Lady, you gotta do it.

51
00:03:06,723 --> 00:03:09,923
I don't know. She's filling out that skirt
a little bit too much for my taste.

52
00:03:10,070 --> 00:03:13,232
No, see, I love a little jiggle-jiggle
on a First Lady.

53
00:03:13,475 --> 00:03:15,466
Quite a think tank
you two have going.

54
00:03:16,955 --> 00:03:19,753
Doug, it's after 6!
Enough with the TV!

55
00:03:19,955 --> 00:03:22,150
Aright, alright! You guys, come on,
you better get out of here.

56
00:03:22,355 --> 00:03:24,915
- Douglas, my man, you are whipped.
- Yeah, man, you're whipped.

57
00:03:26,394 --> 00:03:28,669
What are you talking about?
You still live with your mother.

58
00:03:28,914 --> 00:03:29,903
She doesn't drive!

59
00:03:32,114 --> 00:03:33,103
Now, listen up, sphincters,

60
00:03:33,314 --> 00:03:35,589
we inaugurate this bad boy 4:00,
Sunday, Jets-Miami.

61
00:03:35,794 --> 00:03:37,068
- You got it?
- Sunday it is. Doug.

62
00:03:37,354 --> 00:03:38,992
Oh, O'Donnell fades back to pass,
he's open.

63
00:03:39,194 --> 00:03:42,470
- Doug!
- Okay, honey. Love you!

64
00:03:43,354 --> 00:03:45,948
Come on, come on,
keep it moving, keep it moving.

65
00:03:46,154 --> 00:03:48,384
Go home to your wives and mother.

66
00:03:48,594 --> 00:03:51,154
She doesn't drive!

67
00:03:51,354 --> 00:03:53,822
All right, I'll see you mooks
on Sunday.

68
00:03:54,698 --> 00:03:57,451
Oh, Richie, don't pee there!

69
00:03:57,658 --> 00:03:59,649
All right, there.

70
00:04:00,338 --> 00:04:01,737
- I love those guys.
- Well, good.

71
00:04:01,938 --> 00:04:04,293
Maybe you can toilet train them,
you know?

72
00:04:04,498 --> 00:04:06,807
- Hello.
- Hi.

73
00:04:07,058 --> 00:04:09,970
Listen, thanks again
for getting the TV here early.

74
00:04:10,178 --> 00:04:11,816
You're just- You're so great.

75
00:04:12,058 --> 00:04:13,491
Oh, heck.

76
00:04:14,301 --> 00:04:15,780
Hey, what do you say
we rent a movie tonight,

77
00:04:15,981 --> 00:04:17,937
we crack open a box of wine
and make a night of it?

78
00:04:18,421 --> 00:04:20,981
Tonight? You know we can't tonight.

79
00:04:21,221 --> 00:04:22,176
Why not?

80
00:04:22,381 --> 00:04:23,939
Dinner at my dad's house?
Remember?

81
00:04:24,141 --> 00:04:26,416
I put the Post-it note on your head?

82
00:04:28,422 --> 00:04:33,416
Oh, come on, no, Carrie, please,
don't make me go to that bad place.

83
00:04:34,062 --> 00:04:36,940
Stop. It's just dinner. It'll be painless.

84
00:04:37,142 --> 00:04:40,054
Yeah, for you, you get to stay inside
with his latest wife, what's-her-name?

85
00:04:40,302 --> 00:04:41,496
- Tessie.
- Tessie, right, yeah.

86
00:04:41,742 --> 00:04:45,098
 Meanwhile, your wacko father's got me
combing the streets for them hunting for broken glass.

87
00:04:45,822 --> 00:04:49,815
You know, you really should tell him
it's never gonna be a form of currency.

88
00:04:50,808 --> 00:04:54,039
All right, I admit, he's a little out there,
but we can't keep cancelling on them.

89
00:04:54,248 --> 00:04:56,443
I don't think they believed
the last excuse you gave them.

90
00:04:56,648 --> 00:05:00,277
What was it,
that you were stuck in a well?

91
00:05:02,601 --> 00:05:03,670
- All right, I choked.
- Yeah.

92
00:05:03,881 --> 00:05:05,030
I did.

93
00:05:05,241 --> 00:05:07,471
Come on, Car.
I feel like being alone with you tonight.

94
00:05:08,161 --> 00:05:12,552
You know, it has been... 17 days
since I've... enjoyed you.

95
00:05:13,481 --> 00:05:15,676
And I assume it's been months
since you've enjoyed me.

96
00:05:19,021 --> 00:05:22,809
- All right, all right, I'll cancel.
- Yes!

97
00:05:23,461 --> 00:05:25,372
You're pathetic.

98
00:05:29,221 --> 00:05:32,975
Will you look at this thing?
It's like the cockpit of a 747.

99
00:05:33,541 --> 00:05:35,372
Oh, lights up.

100
00:05:35,621 --> 00:05:37,657
It's dark, but I can still see
where the buttons are.

101
00:05:37,901 --> 00:05:39,300
All right. Enough with that already.

102
00:05:39,501 --> 00:05:41,457
I thought you wanted
to fool around tonight.

103
00:05:41,701 --> 00:05:42,850
I do. I'm ready. You ready?

104
00:05:43,061 --> 00:05:45,894
My friend, I've been looking
at Denzel Washington for two hours.

105
00:05:46,101 --> 00:05:47,454
I'm ready!

106
00:05:49,198 --> 00:05:50,551
- Let's rumble.
- All right.

107
00:05:50,798 --> 00:05:55,713
Now, you, I want a clean fight.
Protect yourself at all times.

108
00:06:00,565 --> 00:06:04,240
- What's that?
- It's just urgent knocking. It'll go away.

109
00:06:04,485 --> 00:06:06,362
- Stop, I'll get it.
- No, no, no, you stay here.

110
00:06:06,565 --> 00:06:08,635
You gotta stay focused, okay?
Hey, stay in the mood.

111
00:06:08,845 --> 00:06:10,722
Hey, it's all coming back.

112
00:06:19,859 --> 00:06:20,848
- Oh, Sara.
- I-

113
00:06:21,099 --> 00:06:23,055
Let me guess, some huge crisis,
you need to talk to your sister.

114
00:06:23,259 --> 00:06:25,489
- Yes!
- Yeah, no, sorry.

115
00:06:26,739 --> 00:06:27,888
Tessie died!

116
00:06:28,859 --> 00:06:30,053
Tessie died?

117
00:06:31,756 --> 00:06:33,075
Oh, man.

118
00:06:33,276 --> 00:06:34,709
Yeah, I got home from acting class,

119
00:06:34,916 --> 00:06:36,713
and Dad told me
she'd had a heart attack.

120
00:06:37,676 --> 00:06:38,745
What a shock, huh?

121
00:06:38,996 --> 00:06:41,226
Yeah, I know, isn't it?

122
00:06:42,596 --> 00:06:43,665
So how's your dad doing?

123
00:06:44,236 --> 00:06:46,875
He's pretty broken up.

124
00:06:47,116 --> 00:06:48,344
How about you? You all right?

125
00:06:48,596 --> 00:06:51,156
Well, you know, I'm wet.
Your sprinklers just came on.

126
00:07:00,676 --> 00:07:04,191
Poor Dad.
This has got to be tough on him.

127
00:07:04,436 --> 00:07:07,155
With Tessie gone,
he's gotta be heartbroken, you know?

128
00:07:07,356 --> 00:07:09,392
This is not mustard from a jar.
This is deli mustard.

129
00:07:09,596 --> 00:07:11,632
Try it, come on.

130
00:07:11,836 --> 00:07:15,749
I'm gonna go talk to Sara.
Spend some time with him, okay?

131
00:07:25,286 --> 00:07:27,561
So...

132
00:07:27,766 --> 00:07:30,644
How you doing, Arthur?
How you holding up?

133
00:07:30,846 --> 00:07:32,723
Look at that guy.

134
00:07:32,926 --> 00:07:36,521
- What guy?
- That freak over at the buffet table.

135
00:07:36,726 --> 00:07:37,841
He's stealing food.

136
00:07:38,366 --> 00:07:40,004
See that piece of ham?

137
00:07:40,206 --> 00:07:43,278
Watch. It's going right in his pocket.

138
00:07:43,486 --> 00:07:46,125
- He's making a sandwich.
- Another one? That's his third!

139
00:07:47,166 --> 00:07:48,121
Yeah, you!

140
00:07:48,326 --> 00:07:50,681
I guess my wife's dropping dead's
made you pretty hungry, huh?

141
00:07:52,030 --> 00:07:53,827
Well, that's it, I'm cutting you off!

142
00:07:54,030 --> 00:07:56,749
Doug, let's get his ham!

143
00:07:59,103 --> 00:08:00,695
God, a retirement home?

144
00:08:00,903 --> 00:08:03,463
I don't know, Carrie,
is it, like, evil of us to do that to him?

145
00:08:03,623 --> 00:08:06,342
Will you stop? We talked about this.
It's the best thing.

146
00:08:06,543 --> 00:08:08,261
I know, but don't those places
sometimes do

147
00:08:08,463 --> 00:08:10,181
you know,
experiments on old people, you know,

148
00:08:10,383 --> 00:08:13,500
like testing perfume in their eyes,
or making them run mazes?

149
00:08:14,023 --> 00:08:15,615
No.

150
00:08:16,484 --> 00:08:19,317
Okay, but even so, if he sells
his house, uh, hi, where am I gonna go?

151
00:08:19,524 --> 00:08:20,752
I've been living here rent-free.

152
00:08:20,964 --> 00:08:22,636
- Don't you have any money saved?
- No.

153
00:08:22,844 --> 00:08:24,880
I thought I was gonna get
that big Mentos commercial,

154
00:08:25,084 --> 00:08:28,713
but apparently they didn't think I was fresh
and full of life. Stupid schmucks.

155
00:08:28,964 --> 00:08:30,602
All right, you can stay with us
for a while.

156
00:08:31,449 --> 00:08:34,122
No! Oh, God, thank you!
Thank you so much!

157
00:08:34,329 --> 00:08:37,162
Oh, hey, can I paint my room black?

158
00:08:37,369 --> 00:08:39,837
Honey? Your father's frightening
the other mourners.

159
00:08:40,049 --> 00:08:42,165
Oh, I'm on my way.

160
00:08:43,849 --> 00:08:44,998
What are you holding?

161
00:08:45,249 --> 00:08:47,843
Oh, this is some guy's ham,

162
00:08:48,049 --> 00:08:50,119
and this is his wife's potato salad.

163
00:08:53,741 --> 00:08:56,941
Thanks for everything, padre.
You did a great job.

164
00:08:56,976 --> 00:08:58,374
Here,

165
00:08:58,581 --> 00:09:01,049
go get yourself an egg cream.

166
00:09:01,261 --> 00:09:04,458
Dad? Sara and I really need
to talk to you about something.

167
00:09:04,661 --> 00:09:06,014
What is it, darling?

168
00:09:06,221 --> 00:09:07,939
Well, now that Tessie's gone,

169
00:09:08,141 --> 00:09:10,336
things are probably
gonna change quite a bit.

170
00:09:10,541 --> 00:09:12,213
Yeah, and you know, Dad,
I was thinking,

171
00:09:12,421 --> 00:09:14,377
you know, maybe I should just get out
of your way around here, you know.

172
00:09:15,549 --> 00:09:17,665
In fact, Doug and Carrie
agreed to let me stay with them

173
00:09:17,869 --> 00:09:20,064
until I can afford my own place.

174
00:09:20,269 --> 00:09:22,305
Well, that's just fine, sweetheart.

175
00:09:22,509 --> 00:09:24,977
Now I can turn your room
into a little greenhouse,

176
00:09:25,189 --> 00:09:28,818
grow some stuff
to help my glaucoma.

177
00:09:31,407 --> 00:09:34,240
Dad, urm actually, you know
there's more.

178
00:09:36,287 --> 00:09:38,039
It's- Carrie, you-?

179
00:09:39,367 --> 00:09:42,757
Well, Dad, we thought, you know,
under the circumstances,

180
00:09:42,967 --> 00:09:45,003
you might be happier
if you sold the house

181
00:09:45,247 --> 00:09:48,842
and moved into a nice,
lovely retirement home.

182
00:09:50,187 --> 00:09:53,736
I got two words for you:
I'm staying right here!

183
00:09:53,947 --> 00:09:55,460
- That's four words.
- Oh, is it?

184
00:09:55,707 --> 00:09:57,504
Then I got another four words:
Screw you!

185
00:09:57,707 --> 00:09:58,662
That's two words.

186
00:09:58,867 --> 00:10:01,062
Arthur, maybe you should stop saying 
in advance how many words you have.

187
00:10:01,267 --> 00:10:02,780
Yeah, once you do that,
you're pretty much locked in, huh?

188
00:10:03,027 --> 00:10:04,938
- You're locked in.
- Yeah, right. Okay, thank you.

189
00:10:05,815 --> 00:10:07,726
Dad, look, we love you,
and we respect you,

190
00:10:07,935 --> 00:10:11,769
but let's face it,
you need a lot of watching.

191
00:10:13,335 --> 00:10:15,565
- I resent that!
- Oh, Dad, please!

192
00:10:15,775 --> 00:10:17,766
The last time Tessie
left you alone for two minutes

193
00:10:17,975 --> 00:10:20,614
she found you re-shingling the roof
with no pants!

194
00:10:22,095 --> 00:10:23,687
And no shingles!

195
00:10:26,314 --> 00:10:31,672
So because a man is old,
because he has a few eccentricities,

196
00:10:31,874 --> 00:10:34,434
you're ready to put him down
like a lame horse, is that it?

197
00:10:35,514 --> 00:10:37,584
Well, let me tell you something.

198
00:10:37,794 --> 00:10:39,910
As long as I've got the strength
to draw a breath,

199
00:10:40,114 --> 00:10:43,584
as long as I've got one ounce
of dignity in my bones,

200
00:10:44,694 --> 00:10:48,243
I'm gonna live by myself,
take care of myself right here,

201
00:10:48,454 --> 00:10:52,129
in the house that I built
with my own two hands!

202
00:10:57,105 --> 00:11:02,545
I wonder if it's too late
to get insurance.

203
00:11:09,698 --> 00:11:10,618
Hey, what's going on?

204
00:11:10,823 --> 00:11:13,735
Guess who won himself $9
in poker tonight?

205
00:11:13,983 --> 00:11:18,056
If you guessed Doug Heffernan,
you might just be right.

206
00:11:21,863 --> 00:11:22,978
What's the matter?

207
00:11:23,183 --> 00:11:26,334
What's your dad doing here,
anyway?

208
00:11:29,033 --> 00:11:32,230
And why does he smell
like hickory-smoked bacon?

209
00:11:32,913 --> 00:11:37,350
Well, Dad decided to cook his dinner
on a 42-year-old hot plate,

210
00:11:37,593 --> 00:11:39,470
and he burned his house down.

211
00:11:39,713 --> 00:11:40,941
He what?

212
00:11:41,153 --> 00:11:42,984
But there's a whole big kitchen
in there.

213
00:11:43,193 --> 00:11:44,990
What the hell's he cooking
on a hot plate for?

214
00:11:45,233 --> 00:11:48,543
Apparently,
it was his lucky hot plate.

215
00:11:48,753 --> 00:11:50,027
It is lucky.

216
00:11:50,233 --> 00:11:53,384
It's the only thing
that survived the fire!

217
00:11:56,578 --> 00:12:00,093
Well, I guess I'll unpack now.

218
00:12:04,618 --> 00:12:06,370
Good night.

219
00:12:08,418 --> 00:12:10,534
I really screwed up, didn't I?

220
00:12:11,746 --> 00:12:13,418
At least no one was hurt.

221
00:12:13,626 --> 00:12:16,936
Sara's okay, you're okay,
that's the main thing.

222
00:12:17,186 --> 00:12:18,255
I'm not okay.

223
00:12:18,466 --> 00:12:23,066
I'm just a stupid old fool who's
overstayed his welcome on this earth.

224
00:12:23,101 --> 00:12:24,784
Carrie,

225
00:12:24,986 --> 00:12:27,659
why don't you pick out
one of those places for me,

226
00:12:27,866 --> 00:12:29,697
and I'll go without a fight.

227
00:12:44,330 --> 00:12:45,479
By the way, honey, if you want,

228
00:12:45,690 --> 00:12:47,408
I can take a personal day
from work tomorrow,

229
00:12:47,610 --> 00:12:49,487
we can check out some
of those retirement places.

230
00:12:49,690 --> 00:12:52,158
There's a nice one I deliver to,
right off of Queens Boulevard.

231
00:12:52,610 --> 00:12:55,283
They have very good macaroni
and cheese.

232
00:12:57,130 --> 00:12:58,848
Hey, what's the matter?

233
00:12:59,490 --> 00:13:02,050
Doug, upstairs it just hit me.

234
00:13:02,250 --> 00:13:03,319
I- I can't do this to him.

235
00:13:03,530 --> 00:13:06,408
I can't stick him in some crappy place
where they're gonna

236
00:13:06,610 --> 00:13:10,489
just prop him up in a chair
and pump him full of Jell-O.

237
00:13:12,592 --> 00:13:14,230
I mean, he's my father.

238
00:13:14,472 --> 00:13:16,064
Car, I know how you feel,

239
00:13:16,272 --> 00:13:18,547
but you gotta be realistic.
There's no alternative.

240
00:13:18,792 --> 00:13:22,102
Well, there is one alternative.

241
00:13:23,712 --> 00:13:25,668
Euthanasia?

242
00:13:26,872 --> 00:13:28,544
Do we dare?

243
00:13:30,072 --> 00:13:31,824
No.

244
00:13:33,633 --> 00:13:36,193
I was talking about him living here.

245
00:13:36,753 --> 00:13:38,744
Here? With us? I mean, how?
We don't have the room.

246
00:13:38,953 --> 00:13:40,591
Sara's gonna be
in the spare bedroom, right?

247
00:13:40,793 --> 00:13:42,192
- Yeah.
- Well, there's no other room.

248
00:13:42,393 --> 00:13:44,782
I mean, there's this room,
but this room is...

249
00:13:45,473 --> 00:13:47,031
Oh, no. No, no, no.
This is my safe place.

250
00:13:47,233 --> 00:13:49,383
- I'm safe here, remember?
- Did you see his face?

251
00:13:49,593 --> 00:13:51,470
When he talked about going
into a retirement home,

252
00:13:51,673 --> 00:13:52,992
he looked so depressed.

253
00:13:53,233 --> 00:13:55,793
Is that what you got, depressed?
See, I didn't get depressed.

254
00:13:56,906 --> 00:13:58,624
No, I read it more like a nervous,
fun energy.

255
00:13:58,826 --> 00:14:00,737
Like a- like a kid going to summer camp
for the first time.

256
00:14:00,946 --> 00:14:03,380
It's scary, but, hey,
there's arts and crafts!

257
00:14:05,796 --> 00:14:08,151
Oh, whoa, come on,
don't do that, don't.

258
00:14:09,036 --> 00:14:11,186
I'm sorry, it's just
I feel so guilty about my dad,

259
00:14:11,396 --> 00:14:13,432
but I feel like
if I help him it hurts you,

260
00:14:13,636 --> 00:14:15,706
and I don't want to hurt you,
I love you.

261
00:14:15,956 --> 00:14:19,585
Come on, Carrie, don't cry.
Come on, when you cry, I...

262
00:14:21,796 --> 00:14:23,752
Oh, God.

263
00:14:27,236 --> 00:14:29,227
Oh, God.

264
00:14:30,076 --> 00:14:32,636
He can live here, it's okay.

265
00:14:32,796 --> 00:14:34,354
Oh, honey, are you sure?

266
00:14:35,778 --> 00:14:39,134
Yeah, this room's stupid anyway.

267
00:14:40,178 --> 00:14:41,770
Honey, you're the best.

268
00:14:41,978 --> 00:14:45,334
Thank you so much.
Let's go tell Dad.

269
00:14:46,658 --> 00:14:49,775
- Oh, God.
- Are you okay?

270
00:14:49,978 --> 00:14:52,617
I need a few minutes.

271
00:14:52,818 --> 00:14:55,093
- Could you hold me?
- Yeah.

272
00:15:00,578 --> 00:15:03,376
Come on,
you gotta make those tackles.

273
00:15:05,092 --> 00:15:06,810
They're gonna blow it.

274
00:15:07,012 --> 00:15:09,651
They're already down 42-3.

275
00:15:09,852 --> 00:15:13,561
Or at least I think that's the score.
I can't see the bottom of the screen.

276
00:15:15,452 --> 00:15:16,726
Richie, come on, eat over a plate.

277
00:15:16,932 --> 00:15:18,923
Carrie doesn't want to
get crumbs on the duvet.

278
00:15:19,132 --> 00:15:21,441
What's a duvet?

279
00:15:21,692 --> 00:15:25,082
Look, I don't know, but she was
pointing to that area when she said it.

280
00:15:33,232 --> 00:15:34,187
Pull the covers off.

281
00:15:34,392 --> 00:15:37,031
- Oh, it's drafty. My legs are-
- Pull the covers off!

282
00:15:37,232 --> 00:15:39,792
All right.
Why are you in such a foul mood?

283
00:15:39,992 --> 00:15:42,552
Because I'm watching a football game
on something called a duvet.

284
00:15:42,752 --> 00:15:44,310
- This sucks.
- What do you want me to do?

285
00:15:44,552 --> 00:15:46,304
I mean, I live with
my wife's family now, okay?

286
00:15:46,512 --> 00:15:48,104
At least you get to go home.

287
00:15:48,352 --> 00:15:50,422
Back with scores
and highlights after this.

288
00:15:51,645 --> 00:15:54,443
Hey, Moose, question for you.

289
00:15:54,685 --> 00:15:57,961
Now that your wife's sister moved in,
do the two of them ever, you know,

290
00:15:58,165 --> 00:16:02,681
get into an argument, and maybe
start whacking each other with pillows,

291
00:16:02,885 --> 00:16:05,240
next thing you know,
a little playful wrestling

292
00:16:05,445 --> 00:16:08,005
leads to a lingering kiss?

293
00:16:14,226 --> 00:16:15,898
I'm asking.

294
00:16:16,466 --> 00:16:18,218
Is this Egyptian cotton, because-

295
00:16:18,426 --> 00:16:20,496
Would you give me that?!

296
00:16:22,306 --> 00:16:25,503
See, when you can do this,

297
00:16:25,706 --> 00:16:28,379
that means it's time
to buy a new one, okay?

298
00:16:28,626 --> 00:16:30,378
Okay, this isn't about the milk,
is it, Carrie?

299
00:16:30,586 --> 00:16:33,498
No, this is about me losing that set
of house keys with your address on it.

300
00:16:33,746 --> 00:16:36,465
- What?
- Oh, you heard me.

301
00:16:37,746 --> 00:16:39,384
You wanna...

302
00:16:54,117 --> 00:16:56,108
Okay, honey, I'm out.

303
00:17:09,973 --> 00:17:11,725
- Oh, jeez!
- Oh, don't mind me, keep shaving.

304
00:17:11,933 --> 00:17:13,810
Sara, what are you doing?
I haven't showered yet!

305
00:17:14,076 --> 00:17:15,714
I'm sorry, but if I'm late for this audition
there's no way I'll get it.

306
00:17:15,916 --> 00:17:19,696
Just give me five minutes.
Okay, half-hour, tops.

307
00:17:42,784 --> 00:17:45,629
The subway's gonna be
a disaster this morning-

308
00:17:45,643 --> 00:17:47,007
Your face?

309
00:17:47,424 --> 00:17:50,097
Why did you cut yourself so much?

310
00:17:50,304 --> 00:17:52,340
I'd rather not say.

311
00:17:53,829 --> 00:17:55,421
And why are you still
in your pyjamas, hon-

312
00:17:55,629 --> 00:17:57,187
It's quarter to 8.
Have you even showered?

313
00:17:57,389 --> 00:17:59,141
No, your sister's been in there
for 20 minutes.

314
00:17:59,349 --> 00:18:00,577
Did you try flushing the toilet?

315
00:18:00,789 --> 00:18:02,507
Yeah, she just screams
and keeps showering.

316
00:18:02,749 --> 00:18:04,705
All right, I'll get her out.

317
00:18:07,141 --> 00:18:09,701
Well, slept like a baby!

318
00:18:09,901 --> 00:18:14,417
Seventy-five years old, and I still
wake up with the little guy saluting.

319
00:18:17,421 --> 00:18:20,254
- I'm out of the bathroom!
- Let me at it.

320
00:18:20,461 --> 00:18:24,773
I have a good feeling.
This could be my day.

321
00:18:30,245 --> 00:18:34,124
Doug? I got your wife on the line.
Should I patch her through?

322
00:18:34,365 --> 00:18:36,321
Yeah, yeah, please.

323
00:18:36,525 --> 00:18:37,844
- Doug?
- Hey, babe.

324
00:18:38,085 --> 00:18:39,882
Hi. How's it going?

325
00:18:40,125 --> 00:18:41,080
Been better.

326
00:18:41,285 --> 00:18:43,719
I was a half-hour late to work,
and my boss ripped me a new one.

327
00:18:43,925 --> 00:18:47,042
Again, honey?
That's your fourth one this month.

328
00:18:48,605 --> 00:18:50,163
So, what's up?

329
00:18:50,405 --> 00:18:53,158
Nothing. I was just sitting here,
thinking about you,

330
00:18:53,405 --> 00:18:54,440
and how much I love you,

331
00:18:54,645 --> 00:18:57,205
and how great you've been
about Dad moving in and everything.

332
00:18:58,379 --> 00:18:59,334
Ah, no big deal.

333
00:18:59,539 --> 00:19:03,168
No, it is. I mean, living with us
has calmed him down so much.

334
00:19:03,379 --> 00:19:06,337
In fact, I just spoke to him an hour ago
and he said he was just gonna

335
00:19:06,539 --> 00:19:10,327
spend the rest of the afternoon
in his room reading.

336
00:19:10,539 --> 00:19:12,928
Isn't that something?

337
00:19:23,401 --> 00:19:24,914
Doug?

338
00:19:25,121 --> 00:19:26,076
Doug?

339
00:19:26,801 --> 00:19:29,076
What are you so upset about?
I was just going to the movies.

340
00:19:29,281 --> 00:19:31,078
You see, that part's fine. Just fine.

341
00:19:31,281 --> 00:19:34,478
The part I'm having a problem with,
Dad, is the hookers!

342
00:19:34,681 --> 00:19:37,115
Look, the fact is I was lonely.

343
00:19:37,321 --> 00:19:39,232
I just didn't want to go
to the movies by myself.

344
00:19:39,441 --> 00:19:40,669
That's all there was to it.

345
00:19:41,851 --> 00:19:43,887
He didn't have to embarrass me
in front of my ho's.

346
00:19:44,091 --> 00:19:45,365
Okay.

347
00:19:45,571 --> 00:19:48,927
Embarrass you?
Excuse me, who'd they pepper spray?!

348
00:19:49,171 --> 00:19:51,366
Hey, you guys.
I'm thinking about having a party here.

349
00:19:51,571 --> 00:19:52,924
- Is Tuesday okay?
- No, it's not.

350
00:19:53,171 --> 00:19:55,526
And not Wednesday, either.
I'm having the Kiwanis club over.

351
00:19:55,731 --> 00:19:57,289
Well, can't you just move it
to Thursday?

352
00:19:57,491 --> 00:19:59,641
- No, Thursday's not-
- That's it! Listen up, okay?

353
00:19:59,891 --> 00:20:02,280
Hey, this is my house!
I pay the mortgage here.

354
00:20:02,491 --> 00:20:05,051
Actually, she pays the mortgage,
it's a tax thing.

355
00:20:05,251 --> 00:20:08,004
The point is, starting now,
here are the rules, all right?

356
00:20:08,211 --> 00:20:10,771
No parties. No Kiwanis. No hookers.

357
00:20:12,004 --> 00:20:14,234
No jumping in line for the bathroom,
making me late for work.

358
00:20:14,444 --> 00:20:16,400
And certainly no naked,
soapy silhouettes

359
00:20:16,604 --> 00:20:19,641
getting me all hot
while I'm trying to shave.

360
00:20:22,095 --> 00:20:23,164
You got that, Arthur?

361
00:20:29,153 --> 00:20:31,144
Oh, God, finally!

362
00:20:31,793 --> 00:20:36,423
Sara's out on a date, Dad's nailed
into the basement for the night,

363
00:20:36,633 --> 00:20:41,866
so it's just you and me, Doug,
if that is your real name.

364
00:20:44,633 --> 00:20:45,827
What's the matter?

365
00:20:46,473 --> 00:20:48,304
I'm not in the mood.

366
00:20:49,313 --> 00:20:52,783
- Why not?
- I feel fat.

367
00:20:55,273 --> 00:20:57,662
Would you stop it?
You're not fat. You're...

368
00:20:57,873 --> 00:20:58,988
- I know, husky.
- Husky.

369
00:20:59,193 --> 00:21:00,990
- Yeah, I'm husky.
- That's right.

370
00:21:02,300 --> 00:21:04,768
Now, what's really going on?

371
00:21:05,020 --> 00:21:06,851
I just miss the way things
used to be.

372
00:21:07,060 --> 00:21:08,891
You know,
when it was just you and me,

373
00:21:09,100 --> 00:21:10,419
and we had the house to ourselves,

374
00:21:10,620 --> 00:21:14,135
and we could watch the top
and bottom half of a movie.

375
00:21:14,380 --> 00:21:18,532
I know. I know. Me too.

376
00:21:18,740 --> 00:21:20,173
But look at it this way,

377
00:21:21,443 --> 00:21:25,516
sometimes the top half of a movie
is all you need.

378
00:21:25,723 --> 00:21:27,122
Right?

379
00:21:27,643 --> 00:21:29,634
I guess you're right.

380
00:21:33,883 --> 00:21:36,761
Wait. Top half of a movie
is all you need?

381
00:21:36,963 --> 00:21:39,431
What the hell does that mean?

382
00:21:42,097 --> 00:21:43,769
It means nothing. It means nothing.

383
00:21:43,977 --> 00:21:46,775
We haven't had sex in a month.
So if you wanna talk, let's talk after.

384
00:21:46,977 --> 00:21:53,335
- Yeah, if I'm still awake, baby.
- Okay.

385
00:21:53,370 --> 00:21:59,694
Did you confiscate
your dad's hot plate?

386
00:21:59,897 --> 00:22:01,728
I should have, shouldn't I?

387
00:22:01,937 --> 00:22:04,576
Let's just keep going
until we smell smoke.

388
00:22:05,576 --> 00:22:06,624
Edited & Resync: mindworkz