so, Eric, your dad's muffler shop opens tomorrow.
That's, like, the perfect job for him. I mean, he's been muffling you for years.
Yes, he really hates noise.
I think it's because it reminds him of fun.
Hey, at least Red got a job he likes. I thought I was cool flipping burgers,
then I met the night shift guy who's been doing it for 30 years. He's got no eyebrows, and he lives in his own car.
I don't want to be that guy.
And you won't be if you follow the plan I gave you,
Okay? We get a job as a local weather team,
then go national as morning talk show hosts,
and then... star in our own ice capades.
Jackie, I've told you, I don't capade.
- I am quitting my job, though. - Me too.
The department of motor vehicles is not as glamorous as it sounds.
You know what motor vehicles are?
They're cars.
Just cars.
Fez, you know what you should do? You should be a cop like me.
You could go undercover and catch foreigners.
Oh, so it's a crime to be foreign, huh?
No, of course not.
It's a crime to do the things that foreigners do.
Well, I, for one, love my job. Want to know why?
I have no job.
Yeah, that's one of the benefits of taking the year off.
Speaking of that, how'd that all-day marathon go on the slip 'n slide?
Pretty good.
Except for around hour three, when...
I got a pretty serious owie.
Yeah, when you went in for a juice, I slipped a rock under there.
Ah. Anyway, today, I will be chasing butterflies.
Tomorrow, I'm gonna break out the giant bubble wand.
What'd you do, go down the clearance aisle at the drugstore?
Yes, I did.
You'll all be happy to know you'll be receiving goody bags containing 4th of july socks,
cornstarch
and a calendar from 1972.
Okay, I think we're nearly set up for business.
Thanks for helping, or, uh,
standing around saying, "ew, grease."
Whoa, Steven.
You already got that muffler together?
Yeah, well, you know, metal shop was my favorite class.
I went to, like,
half of 'em.
You know, I need an extra set of hands around here. How'd you like the job?
No, Steven, you can't.
I mean, don't take this personally, Mr. Forman, but guys who work in muffler shops are bottom-feeders.
Jackie.
Well, I said, "don't take this personally." What else can I do?
Jackie, I gotta take this job. You kidding me?
I mean, I'm good with my hands, I don't mind dirt,
and I have a high tolerance for fumes.
Fine. If it makes you happy, then I'm happy.
Steven, why is it everything that I love about you also grosses me out?
You're so complicated.
Okay. You can start tomorrow.
But we're not driving in together. That's too weird.
Cool.
All right, I gotta take off. I'm gonna go have lunch with my new dad.
Oh, bring a camera get a picture.
Steven, you don't have any family pictures.
Well, we have some really good ones of my mom down at the county jail.
One full face, two profiles-- each one dated and numbered.
Oh, steven, you've had the hardest life.
You know, I should probably be more generous and considerate with you.
But I am what I am.
Okay, we are going to make this the prettiest muffler shop ever.
Really, all I wanted was a "grand opening" sign.
And you've got one...
in needlepoint.
Kitty that's so tiny.
Needlepoint is very hard work.
You never appreciate anything I do.
You should've just married Betty Parker.
No, no, no. What I meant was, it's so tiny, like...
your waist.
Thank you.
Eric, you want to hand me that manifold?
The manifold.
Mani... fold.
Man, I folded that.
Eric, are you ready to help me decorate?
Yes, now I was thinking we could line this counter here with red-white-and-blue bunting.
How is it that I raised a son who knows "bunting" but not "manifold"?
Well, maybe the problem is that you were never around.
I was always around.
Yeah, maybe I was the problem.
I've never been to a beauty salon.
I'm excited to see how they make people beautiful
Especially that lady over there. That's gonna take some work.
Well, fez, I don't know how long I'm gonna be here, so no wandering off.
You gave me a hell of a scare the other day at the mall.
I'm not going anywhere. I'm just enjoying my time away from the DMV.
All those foreigners...
Learn to speak garbled english, people.
Well, the last time I was here, they were looking for help.
And they have no idea how weird you are.
That is an advantage.
What's the job?
Shampoo boy.
Shampoo boy?
You mean, I would get paid for touch hair?
I used to get in so much trouble for that
Hey!
Don't touch me!
What are you doing, man?
What am I doing? What are you doing with your long, beautiful hair, you hippie freak?
That's it!
It is my destiny to be a shampoo boy.
Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. Is there a job that pays you to eat pie
No.
It is my destiny to be a shampoo boy.
Hey, mom, guess what hyde just told me.
if it's tawdry, I don't want to hear it.
No.
Dad offered him a job at the muffler shop.
And did I even get an offer? No. Like I wasn't there, too. Like I wasn't all sore from hanging all that bunting.
Well, sweetie, don't take it so hard.
Your father's always had a soft spot for Steven, but he loves you, too. I just know it.
Well, you know what I think?
If dad loves Hyde so much, maybe he should marry him.
Honey, that's not possible. Your father is already married to me.
What? No, mom, it's-- it's an expression.
Well, it's nota very good one.
"Twenty three skeedow" now, that's an expression.
Yes...
That's what I should to say.
Kitty, look
I framed one of my "grand opening" flyers
now if the shop's a success, I'llhave a souvenir.
And if not,
I'll have something to glare at while I'm drinking
that's a very good idea.
And you know what else is a very good idea?
Offering Eric a job just like you did Steven.
Kitty, I can only afford to hire one person.
And why can't that one person be your very own son?
Because my very own son can't do anything.
No that's not true.
Just today he caught the most beautiful butterfly
well
if a giant butterfly is tearing up the shop
I'll call eric.
I'm not sure I want him to face a giant butterfly
So, red, we got your muffler store flyer, and
I'm a little hurt. You know, you never asked for my input.
I mean, I had a business on my own.
Bob,
Your business went under.
Yeah, but very slowly.
Don't feel insulted, Bob
Red wouldn't even give his own child a job.
If you have muffler shop, wouldn't you give Donna a job?
Sure, Donna knows her way around the car.
But Eric thinks an exhaust belt is something that holds up your pants when you're tired.
There's no such thing as an exhaust belt, bob.
Well, then he thinks something else is something else.
Y'know, when you start a new business,..
You need a gimmick.
When I opened my store,
I rented a monkey.
People will drive a hundred miles to see a monkey, 200 if he's wearing a suit.
And Bobby dressed up as Tarzan, and I dressed up as Jane
Remember?
Do I!
"Me, Tarzan, you, Jane.
That's just what I said.
Bob, I'll tell you what my gimmick is gonna be.
Good service at a fair price.
Oh, please. Leave that stuff to the japanese.
Hey Geri.
This is Fez. And he would like to apply for the shampoo boy job.
Yeah? Why do you wanna be a shampoo boy
because I love hair--on the head, on the body, on floor, and if there's one in my salad, I enjoy it more.
Fez.
Okay, maybe I got a little carried away.
The one on my salad-- I can take it or leave it.
You're a little creepy.
But you're cute, so I'll test you on one of our regular clients.
Yes, that's great, Fez. I have complete faith in you.
- You're gonna wash Donna's hair. - Oh!
Um,
You know, I'm kind of exclusive with paulette.
I can't just test him on anyone. He seems kinda pervy.
She gets me.
Okay, fine.
But nothing other than your hands touches nothing other than my head.
Oh, thank you, donna. You're not gonna regret this.
That's the first time I said that to a girl and meant it.
Well, thanks for lunch, man.
I gotta say, a burger just tastes better when it's bought for you by your new black dad.
So you must really love Led Zeppelin.
That's the oldest shirt I've ever seen on someone who wasn't a bum.
Hey,
If god didn't want me to wear it so much, he wouldn't have made them rock so hard.
Led Zeppelin's cool. I caught 'em back in '69. Front row.
Whoa.
Oh, I did well with the ladies that night.
They probably thought I was jimi hendrix.
I told 'em I was jimi hendrix.
smile!
Jackie,
we're trying to have lunch here,do you mind?
Who cares about lunch, Steven?
We need a picture of a parent who's not under arrest.
Listen,
the reason I wanted to see you is I was thinking that maybe you'd like to come work for me.
I could teach you the record store business.
Well, I have stolen a lot of records.
I would like to learn why people pay for 'em.
You know what?
I can't. I just took another job today.
Well, quit that job.
You come work for me, and we'll kick butt at the father/son picnic.
I'll even start a father/son picnic just so we can kick butt.
Man, that sounds really cool. You know, I'll try and work it out.
That's what I like to hear.
Hey!
Well, steven, you're gonna need a picture for your christmas card.
So, uh, Hyde, when my dad offered you the job,
I mean, what exactly did he say? Was it, like, um,
"since I don't see my own son here right now, "I might as well just give you the job"?
I can't believe I got a job from my dad and from red.
Now I have two jobs.
It's like I'm a workaholic.
I gotta tell you, that's not the kind of "holic" I thought I'd be.
Wow, hyde, this is really gettin' to you. I mean, look at you
you're leaning forward, you got your sunglasses off. You're freakin' out.
Well, this is an emotional time for my steven.
His new daddy and his substitute daddy are in a tug-of-war for his heart.
Whoa. I thought we established that hyde doesn't have a heart.
It was no heart, no brain,
no courage.
I'll just have to tell red I can't take the job.
I mean, he'll understand.
Wait, I'm the scarecrow?
He's the one who gets set on fire.
Oh, yeah, that's me.
Steven, I have a little surprise for you.
Pretty nice, huh?
They already had a bunch of patches that said "steven."
But I had a "Hyde" one custom-made 'cause I know that's what you prefer.
Whoa. Whoa. Whoa.
Custom-made?
He once got me a hat that said "Erin" because it was "close enough."
Uh,
thanks, Red. This is- this is really cool.
Yeah, well,
you can buy your own pants.
Hyde...
- Why didn't you say anything? - Because he's torn between two daddies.
Steven, when you're in a moral quandary, do what I do,
Okay? Put on some donny osmond, close your eyes and ask yourself one question--
who's richer?
Okay, Fez, this is your station.
Donna, here's my pepper spray, just in case.
You owe me.
Okay, let's see what we have to work with here.
Fez!
Shouldn't you be doing something with soap and water?
Oh, so you want it wet and soapy.
Fez, I just want my hair washed.
Oh, so you want to call the shots.
- Don't do the "so you want" stuff. - Oh, so you want it silent.
Fez!
Okay, okay.
Showtime.
Now you're about to experience some feelings.
My advice is
give into them.
Hey, come on in. Look around.
Heck, take a muffler if you like.
I'm--I'm just kidding.
Don't touch anything you're not gonna buy.
W.B.
Surprised to see you here.
Well, I just wanted to see why steven would take a job at a muffler shop instead of working for mein an office with air conditioning and a pension plan.
I guess white folks are just weird.
Man, he didn't even think about offering me the job, did he?
Oh, well, honey, he just didn't think you were a good fit.
It's called "Forman & son."
It doesn't say whose son.
What the hell are you doing?
What?
It's your first day on the job, and you're drinking?
This is not summer camp, you know?
There's drinking at summer camp?
Look, if you're not responsible enough to handle yourself, then obviously,I made a big mistake.
I hope there's another job out there for you, because you're fired.
My dad told you he offered me a job, didn't he?
What?
No.
What?
'Cause I've heard you fire a lot of people,
and I've never heard you say, "I hope there's another job out there for you."
You say, "I hope my foot "doesn't get stuck in your ass."
Or, "don't let my foot get stuck in your ass on the way out the door."
Or the classic, "I'm gonna stick my foot in your ass."
Just get outta here.
Thanks, red.
You're such a softy.
Are you lurking behind everything?
Well, it's the only way I get to see your real emotions
So guess you have a job to offer eric after all?
Yeah, well, I guess I could teach eric something about cars.
Maybe if I told him they were called "space mobiles," he'd take to it.
Hey, Eric.
How'd you like to work for me?
Here? With you?
Wow, dad, that would mean a lot. Then it really would be "Forman & son."
- So you'll take the job? - Hell, no.
Good.
I mean, I don't want to work. This is my year off.
Then why did you complain all day about not getting the job?
Oh, well, mom,
I just wanted to get invited to the dance. I mean,I didn't want to dance.
Hell, I don't even know any of the steps.
Honey, you are a wonderful dancer.
Hey, man,
Is that job still available? 'Cause red just fired me.
Sure. The job's yours.
Cool. When do I start?
How about monday?
Ooh, mondays are gonna be tough for me.
I find I'm fresher if I start my work week on a tuesday.
Say, uh, some time after lunch?
I'll see you monday at 9.
Let's call it 10.
Jackie, jackie,
fez shampooed my hair.
And you were able to untie yourself and get away?
No, Jackie,
his hands were amazing.
At one point, it was like he had five extra fingers.
Well, donna,he is foreign. He might.
Ladies.
Hi, Fez.
Well, it's official. I am shampoo boy.
The word on the street is you need to smoke a cigarette after this boy lathers you up.
I'm the one who said that.
Fez, did you get taller?
Well, I'm gonna make an appointment. But I'm not using the same sink as the old ladies.
Oh, you'll use the sink I tell you to use.
Okay, Fez.
Wow!
Hey, Red. This is goin' great.
Ah, yeah. It's going okay.
But can you imagine how great it would be going if he used the midget catering company I told him about?
Yeah, well,
uh, thanks, Bob, for not forcing some cock a mamy gimmick down my throat.
Hey, I'd never do that.
Kelso, plan's off. Get it outta here.
We got him for three more hours.
I'm gonna see if I can teach him how to drive.
there's a butterfly in the backyard. I'm on it!
Okay. He's after me.
He's after me.
Crap. That just made him mad.